Exclusive Interview of Rohit Sharma's Talent (RST)

Doosra: Hi, you there?
RST: What do you mean you there?

Doosra: Odd. I can hear you but I can't see. The chair is empty. Are you real? I mean, do you really exist?
RST: what do you mean? You don't really suggest Rohit Sharma's talent is non-existent, do you?

Doosra: Well, it's very disconcerting. I feel like Annu Kapoor entertaining an invisible Anil Kapoor in "Mr India". If you exist, why can't I see you?
RST: You don't see Bappi Lahiri's eyes either, but that doesn't mean he doesn't possess any. Look through the prism of devotion, and you'd see me, you obnoxious non-believer.

Doosra: Are you a myth or reality? Does Rohit really have any talent?
RST: Loads of it, more than he knows what to do with it. Trust me, the guy is stuffed to the gills with talent. Look how obese I am!

Doosra: I still can't see you...
RST: That's because you are a cynic moron. Yesterday he cut his finger and you know what he bled? Talent. He is full of it, he's oozing it all the time through his pores. In fact, he has surplus talent. At times he has to spit it, vomit it and even defecate it. Or he'd explode.

Doosra: What rubbish.
RST: On the contrary, if ICC is really serious about improving cricket's standard in associate nations, they should sprinkle Rohit's bathwater on the cricketers from those countries.

Doosra: Outrageous. I find it difficult to accept. Talent was Wasim Akram, who could bowl six different deliveries in an over.
RST: Wasim was a kid and must be thanking his stars that his career didn't coincide with Rohit's. Rohit can squeeze in a boundary even in a three-run knock. He can edge even when shadow-practising. And he can outsmart any bowler by offering multiple dismissal options in each delivery.

Doosra: If he is indeed so talented, why can't he score consistently?
RST: I'll pardon you for being such a chump. All talents, by nature, are like that. If Leonardo da Vince had to churn out a masterpiece every day, he'd have probably come up with Mona Singh and not Mona Lisa. Same with Rohit - masterclass or mastercrap. Nothing in between.

Doosra: Records don't really back that. Apart from the two 200-plus ODI scores, both at home, there's pretty much no real masterclass to justify his billing as the best thing to come out of Mumbai since Sachin Tendulkar.
RST: That's a wrong way to put it.

Doosra: I'm glad you agree.
RST: No, I meant the truth is Tendulkar is the best thing to come out of Mumbai before Rohit happened. I'm afraid, world cricket will always be divided into pre-Rohit and post-Rohit eras.

Doosra: Whatever. I think the trick is to combine talent with hard work. Lara was gifted, but Sachin worked harder and see where they ended up.
RST: Utter rubbish. See, Rohit can't work hard, it would be suicidal for him.

Doosra: And how?
RST: Let me explain. See, every player is like a container, and Rohit is full to the brim with talent. Now to accommodate hard work, you have to tilt the container and drain some of the talent. Now who in his right mind would waste talent like that? Where is the sense in it?

Doosra: It's ridiculous.
Talent: I agree, he's outrageously talented.

Doosra: You mean he won't improve ever?
RST: Don't be silly, where is the room?
Doosra: Guess, we have to live with it. Anyway, nice talking to you. See you...ok, forget it.

Maria Sharapova’s Apology to India

I admit it should not have taken this long but as we say in Russian: Лу́чше по́здно, чем никогда́. Or better late than never.

My friends in India, here I, Maria Sharapova, daughter of Yuri and Elena Sharapova, tender an unconditional apology to 1.2 billion of you (I suspect million but my manager insists it’s billion) for previously not knowing who the Great Sachin Tendulkar is.

While I admit that you’ve shown great restraint in confining your just anger to innocuous photoshopping and innocent defacing of my Facebook wall using words that have greatly enriched my vocabulary, I beg your sympathy and draw your attention to my inglorious upbringing where cricket meant a buzzing insect and nothing else.

As some of you probably know, I was born in Russia, the country languishing in obscurity until your Mithun Chakraborty arrived there to shoot a couple of films that thrust my shy nation firmly under the spotlight.

Soon after my birth, my parents moved to the United States, a country history will eventually remember for organising random spelling bee contests monopolized by kids from your great country.

Despite the strong India links, in the country of my origin as well as the country I’ve adopted, cricket is as popular as Mike Tyson was with Evander Holyfield’s family immediately after that 1997 bout in Las Vegas.

While it’s a lame excuse for my mind-numbing ignorance, I beg you kindly consider the circumstances in which I confessed not knowing who the cricketing God was.

I completely agree when many of you question if tennis can be considered a sport, let alone a global sport, and wonder what’s the big deal about this Micky Mouse tournament. Looking back, I realise I got carried away after winning a match at Wimbledon and was not in full control of my faculties when I was asked the question about Tendulkar.

Otherwise, I could have mumbled out something vague yet face-saving. Like “That’s a ridiculous question. Of course I know him! Who doesn’t? He is a living legend, a giant beyond his physical stature and an inspiration not only to our generation but to the entire world. It’s people like him who restores our faith in humanity. In fact when I was trailing in the match, his presence inspired my comeback.”

I am ashamed of the way I have conducted myself and to prove that I’m genuinely sorry, I have been reading everything I could about Tendulkar, even if meant skipping training and fighting with the coach.

Now I know his cricket stats by heart; I know the punch lines of the each of his 2086 TV commercials including “Visa power, go get it”; and I know the breed of each of his pet dogs.

Naturally my preparation for US Open next month is the best I ever had. I may not cross the first round hurdle at Flushing Meadows but if media ask me about Tendulkar, I bet I will surprise you all.

Kind regards

Maria Sharapova

(A work of fiction, if you still don't get it)

Afridi's Secret Diary: Back After A Whale

I'm returning back after a whale. Was busy like nobody's business and losted this dairy which I thinked our family goat have eated. I'm joy it's alive and I can right again. The goat is not aliving though, we eated the testy animal.

Many things happened in the last some months of the past. In the first in cricket, Sachin Tendulkar is no more. (My girl daughter telling me 'no more' is uncorrect. It should be "no more playing cricket". This kids. They may be little in age but you teach so much from them. Kids are like kidneys, be there caretaker).

Ok, Tendulkar being retired. But he doing it only once and I done it so many times that you need toes also to count. Some times I am not knowing weather I am playing or retiring. At list in one field, I'm before of Tendulkar like nobody's business.

People say cricket will be pour without Sachin. Same time, he will be pour without cricket. Arrey, he not getting match fees and advertisemens like olden days.

In other hand, Australia win Ashes like nobody's business. I not unaccepted it. I thinked England having good form and Australia having very little good form.

Mitchell Johnson bowled liked nobody's business. He wanting like keeling England's batsmans. And that intimating mousetouch! Waise I too having mousetouch. I not saving daily. Not because I wanting to shave money. I wanting to keep a stable which pupil think is cold. (Girl daughter telling me it's not 'cold' but 'cool'. Read it cool, ok? He will be happy. Kids are like kidneys, make those happy)

Also in the middle time, Imran Khan lossed election. It was bad. Wins and losses are part of cricket. But not in politics. Their you are a looser if you loose. But I like him like nobody's business. And he is still being free, dislike Musharraf who can anytime go jail which is either good or bad.

No more righting today. Wish all my fans a pieceful happy new year.

6 Reactions to Pranab Mukherjee's exit as FM

1. Shahid Afridi: Retirement? Well, not a bad thing. One should do it occasionally. I have done it a number of times. But as a senior in that department, my advice is don't overdo it. Twice a month, no more. I'm retiring now. I mean I'm retiring to bed now;

2. Sourav Ganguly: I think he was under pressure to retire. I still think he had at least two years' finance left in him. I think the Board, arrey High Command, pressured him into retirement.

3. Mahesh Bhupathi: As I have maintained all along, I'm not going to play with anyone except Rohan Bopanna. Worse, Pranab comes from the same state. Leander should follow Pranab and quit.

4. Mamata Banerjee: Good riddance. Hope the next FM would give us a good Bengal package. My only concern is he'd have ample time on hand as President and I just hope he does not take to cartooning. Will ask Manmohan ji to immediately stop supplying pencils and sketch pens to Rashtrapati Bhavan.

5. Shoaib Akhtar: I think he got scared after Sachin Tendulkar became an MP and immediately retired. When Tendulkar took oath. I saw Mukherjee's legs trembling. Don't trust me? Ask Afridi.

6. Vinod Kambli: I'm a very emotional man today for I can identify myself with Pranab Da. His career mirrors mine. I never got enough support from Tendulkar and ended up playing support roles in random movies. Sachin is an MP today but I'm not even BMC councillor. Pranabda too could have become the PM but he never got the support from Sonia Gandhi. I'm a very emotional man today and can't hold back my tears. Watch me sob on STAR TV, ok ABP TV, at 7:30 this evening. I'm a very emotional man today.

If Not A Cricketer...

...Sachin Tendulkar would have been Albert Einstein!

And it does not take rocket science or any theory of relativity to figure out why.

If you correctly recall Tendulkar in his early days and compare his mop on top with that of the Nobel Laureate, the first thing that strikes you is their common gravity-defying streak!

So there you realize, the inkling was there and pretty early too. It's only that we missed the point.

Peep into their private life and there they come, walking down the aisle with elderly ladies. As a footnote, Einstein scored over Tendulkar, doing an encore subsequently.

Let's get into serious business.

Einstein propounded E = mc2. Tendulkar's riposte was a solid T20 = Dessert, an equally revolutionary formula with a gastronomic tinge about it.

Einstein was considered a science icon but Tendulkar does not lag behind either.

In fact, Tendulkar is a certified Mumbai Indians icon and the attestation was done by none other than Lalit Modi, the then master of the T20 universe.

And if you still insist on similarities, here goes the clincher.

If Einstein is the Father of Modern Physics, Tendulkar is...well...father of two.

Now that should settle the issue once and for all.

P.S. Those who prefer it the other way round, read If Paris Hilton Been a Cricketer and Had Harry Potter Been A Cricketer elsewhere at BCC!.

(A reproduction of a September 11, 2009 post)

Cartoon: toonpool.com

Duncan Fletcher’s Secret Diary: Virat Kohli and His Irrepressible Middle Finger

Sort of liking VK even though he calls me, among other unmentionables, 'His Lipidness'.

In an otherwise dull dressing room-- VK insists it's Undressing Room -- he sticks out like a sore middle finger.

VK is full off aggro. Can be pig-headed too. Imagine a pighead with a Mohawk on top.

"Fatso, I got no middle name. Just middle finger," he whispered in my ear in our first meeting.

Asked him how he saw my appointment.

"S**t happens."

And he shrewdly gave me the bird.

"You like my ring?"

He'll make a good vice captain. Has all the vices of a captain.

Advised him "You just need to curb that middle finger. Learn from others."

He warned me not to equate him with team mates.

"Paancho ungliya barabar nahi hote," he said. Obviously giving me the finger to drive home the point.

Poor chap. Couldn't digest the fact that he has to be a floater as long as the seniors are around.

"S**t floats."

Could have been a good weightlifter as well. Always lifting something -- team performance, spirit, Tendulkar.

Just as we were about to leave our hotel in Australia, VK got down from the bus, walked back to the lobby and suddenly lifted the bellboy.

"Poor dude. Carried the burden of the guests since joining the job. It's time we carried him on our shoulder."

So much so that Tendulkar refuses to share room with him.

"Aila, I don’t want to open my eyes in the night and find myself perched on his shoulder. It’s so unnerving."

Duncan Fletcher’s Secret Diary: Sehwag, Parantha and Rift With Dhoni

Viru can be brain-dead. Don’t know what he has got inside his head. Not much outside either.

At times want to thrash him but he doesn’t look particularly Gandhian. If he reciprocates, I’d look shapeless which, he assures, would me make marginally better looking.

But then banks may refuse me new loans.

Viru once told me he can carve two coaches out of me and one can coach the other.

"Just not sure which knife will do and need to consult Dravid for the correct follow through."

He just loves his paranthas which I once mistook for round doormats. He keeps them in a giant CD wallet.

Asked him why he’s so inconsistent, Viru said he relishes bowlers with a face like a parantha but is nervous against naan-faced bowlers.

"Never liked naans, none of the naans. Once they upset my stomach. Naan-faced bowlers still upset me."

Viru once sent one of the paranthas to represent him in the team meeting. As expected, the parantha gave more inputs before fading down Gambhir's entrails.

Whenever Gambhir opens his mouth, I still hear the parantha wailing – "Dhoni sucks because he doesn't shampoo his hair often".

Asked him last night if there was a rift between him and Dhoni.

"Nothing between us anymore, not even a rift."

(P.S. This is a new series following complaints that Afridi’s Secret Diary was in poor taste. So poor that why the government didn’t grant it a BPL card remains one of the major mysteries of the 21st century which is broadly the period separating Tendulkar's existing 99th century from his impending 100th).

Kapil Dev da jawab nahi!

Kapil Dev believes Sachin Tendulkar should immediately quit ODI.

In fact Tendulkar should have quit long ago, paaji says.

Probably Tendulkar should have never played cricket in the first place maybe?

Doosra buttonholed paaji for an air-clearing purpose and here goes the excerpts:

Doosra: Paaji, welcome to Doosra.

Kapil: Thanks. You’re cheeks are glistening. I know which shaving cream you use. Palmolive da jawab nahi.

Doosra: Well, no, I mean...whatever.

Kapil: Exactly.

Doosra: Sorry?

Kapil: Whatever! I mean what stays for ever? Nothing! I don’t know why people are upset about it but I insist Sachin should retire immediately. With his best interests in mind, I say he should have retired long back. Waise Sachin da jawab nahi.

Doosra: Long back! How long?

Kapil: Maybe before his made his debut. You see, if you retire before making your debut, critics won't be baying for your blood! Isn’t it the smartest thing to do?

Doosra: Not so sure. But paaji, Sachin may not have scored that 100th century but he got quite a few 50s.

Kapil: You miss the point. He does not have age on his side. You grow old and you can't run. And a batsman who can't run is a batsman without runs. And Sidhu once told me that a batsman minus run is like a church minus nun and a burger minus bun. You know, Sidhu da jawab nahi.

Doosra: Yes, paaji. But isn't age just a number? And Sachin is just 38! Jayasuriya played until 42.

Kapil: 38 my size 14 foot! He got his birth certificate from the same guy whom Afridi's parents approached. Do you know every debutant bowler touches Sachin’s feet before he starts bowling? If they bowl bouncers at Sachin, parents scold them for being disrespectful to an old man. You have any idea how many presidents Pakistan had since Sachin’s debut? Eight! Waise to Pakistan da jawab nahi.

Doosra: But paaji, is it not a case of the pot calling the kettle black?

Kapil: What this nonsense? Pot, kettle, strainer...are you a tea-seller? Waise Darjeeling tea da jawab nahin.

Doosra: Paaji, please don’t mind, what I meant is - you yourself got your retirement wrong and the team carried you just to help you get that record.

Kapil: You know what Virat Kohli said?

Doosra: What? That s**t happens?

Kapil: No. He said you carry people who carry the burden of the nation. Kohli da jawab nahi.

Doosra: Paaji, then why can’t India carry Sachin then for a while, maybe until his 100th century?

Kapil: Again you miss the point. Team mates already carried him once, on their shoulders after India won World Cup. You can’t expect them to carry you all your life…it’s not your apartment! Did you mumble something?

Doosra: Hell...no...truly paaji. Kapil da jawab nahi.

When Superman met Sehwag!

Superman: Hey man. I heard you are the Superman of Cricket and so came to meet you.

Sehwag: Who are you?

Superman: Strange! You don’t know me? I’m Superman!

Sehwag: No idea what you do but kids know you. Why they call you Superman? Have you scored a 400 in a test?

Superman: I mean....No.

Sehwag: 200 in ODIs?

Superman: Err...No.

Sehwag: So? Have you beaten Navjot Sidhu in a proverb contest? Did you out-cliche Ravi Shastri in presentation ceremony? Do you do more endorsements than Tendulkar?

Superman: Hang on. Well, to start with, I have x-ray vision.

Sehwag: X-ray? Not bad. Why don’t you join our support staff? We need a portable x-ray machine anyway. Someone is getting injured every day.

Superman: Man, it’s not like that. With it, I can see through.

Sehwag: What? What’s wrong with you? Are you a pervert?

Superman: What are you talking, man!

Sehwag: Forget it. What else can you do?

Superman: I save damsels in distress.

Sehwag: Why just damsels? Why not kids and the aged ones? Hero banta hai?

Superman: I mean I help all...

Sehwag: Then why said only damsels? What else you can do?

Superman: I can fly.

Sehwag: Why?

Superman: What do you mean why?

Sehwag: What’s the need to fly? What these aeroplanes are for? Hero banta hai?

Superman: Man, you are just impossible. Well, I’m an American cultural icon and I hope you know what I mean when I say that.

Sehwag: Icon? So what? I’m also an IPL icon player. There are several other players whom Lalit Modi made icon. What’s the big deal?

Superman: I give up. No point arguing with you. Can’t believe someone can be so...good bye.

Sehwag: Good bye. Waise bhaisab, don’t mind but you have worn your undie on the outside. No doubt in a hurry.

Superman: No. I wear it like this! This is my style. It’s when in hurry that I dress like you guys. Bye.

Sehwag: What? Dufferman.

Indian cricket fraternity reacts to Indian GP

You feel better when you have got it off your chest. So, time to confess the sin. Yes, Doosra was at the inaugural Indian Grand Prix.

Lest you hold it against the blog, let me tell you so were the cricketers.

Once in the F1 paddock, Doosra did just what is expected of it. Doosra spoke to those present, called those absent and even contacted BCCI boss N Srinivasan, who said he was neither present nor absent.

Well, here are the selected responses of the Indian cricket fraternity to the country's first Formula One race.

1. M S Dhoni: Honestly speaking, with a lead like that, Vettel should have declared long ago;

2. Venkatesh Prasad: Well, yeah...ummm… Vettel is overrated, he does not have a slower;

3. BCCI chief N Srinivasan: We strongly condemn the low trick of smuggling DRS into India using F1;

4. Bishan Singh Bedi: Vettel has a suspect action, should be stripped of all points;

5. Sachin Tendulkar: I suggest we cut the 60-lap race into 4 races of 15 laps each;

6. Harbhajan Singh: I would have loved to race here. The track has lot of turns. Especially liked turn 5.

7. Suresh Raina: Vettel is okay but Dhoni is the best captain in the world. Because at the end of the day...Jai Mata Di.

Afridi’s Secret Diary: Shoaib’s Autobiology and the Betrial

My heart is bloody and I’m offset like nobody’s business.

Ass you knowing, spot-fixing case is running in London and now I knowing that my team-maids tried to stab me in the rear when I was there captain!

I’m shocking and can’t trust it like nobody’s business. Mark my wards, posterior will not forgive them for this acting of betrial.

God will dip-fry them in boiling oil like nobody’s business and they all will be…what you call it… hell and hurty.

Now I understanding the because of my loosing so much matches. I always thinking of victoring and they always trying to cattle my plans like nobody’s business!

And see my largeness. I steel supported one of those oxymoron -- Shoaib Akhtar. He was a ox in the body and a moron in the head.

It was I who spoke him that Tendulkar was scareful of him. One day before the match, all players were discusing who was the most maddest bowler when Sachin suddenly spoke out of contest and confaced “I’m afraid, it’s Shoaib.”

I acted smartingly and tape-recorded it. Kamran Akmal objected like nobody’s business but I didn’t hear. I took out the fat tape of his tracksuit’s waist and written those words on it.

Tendulkar cannot denial it now. I was the wheatness. And if he steel denies, I’m sorry to speak that he is a lier.

Also late me share a secret. Hair in Pakistan, we all are together jellous of Shoaib like nobody’s business. The because is, he has a autobiology now.

And I can tale you that it is goodly written. I readed three and half line and his comment over language is compressive like nobody’s business.

People say it being ghost-written. I not knowing. Who knows, maybe Sexpear wrote it. Or Ernest Hemmingbird or Samiul Bucket. All of them are writers and all of them being ghosts you know. Alone thing that I not understanding is how he contracted a ghost.

Missing chapter of Shoaib Akhtar's autobiography: WG Grace.

Not many know that the manuscript of Shoaib Akhtar’s autobiography “Controversially Yours” contained chapters in which the “Rawalpindi Express” offered radical views on most of cricket’s greatest names, except Ajit Agarkar.

Libel-weary publishers, with business to run and family to feed, naturally refused to publish them, making sure they do not see the light of the day.

Until Doosra accessed them, of course.

Here goes the first installment in which Shoaib assesses WG Grace.

“I can’t believe they called him father of modern cricket. Father! My number 14 foot!

No hanky-panky. Let me make it clear what I think of that big, fat chump. He looks an obese ass with enough fat to run a soap factory.

Frankly speaking, I think he was dead-scared of my pace and decided to play in another era. Such a coward!

Even though he scored heavily against Joey Palmer in his debut test, I tell you his legs were trembling. Of course I was not there in that 1880 test but Shahid Afridi, who remains 21, says he himself saw them trembling.

Like most of us, Grace used to blatantly tamper the ball. I got to know he was called ‘Doctor’. I guess because he used to doctor the ball. And people have problems only when we do it. It’s a mean world, buddy.

No dramas. I think Grace was a slimy fatso. He filled English cricket with his brothers, sons and even nephews. If this is not nepotism then I’d like to know what is.

Man, have you seen his photo? Awful, man. Inzy bhai will look like him 20 years later.

Seems the guy never went to gym. Six packs? He had six sacks. If you have a good knife and you know how to do it, you can carve six cricketers out of him. Such a waste of space.

His beard was against the spirit of the game. I’m surprised ICC or whatever it was in those days didn’t ban it. It was a deliberate ploy to shield the stumps and confuse the bowlers. Disgusting!

People called him Grace. I call him Disgrace.

I know most of you won’t believe me. I know necromancy and I've challenged him to face me. I don't trust Lalit Modi. Fortunately, Kerry Packer wrote on my Ouija board that he would sponsor the event. Will keep you posted. Take care."

7 Signs That Tell Us All's Not Well With Cricket

1. Inzamam-ul-Haq opens a shop in Dubai to sell meat when his future lies in selling jacket potatoes;

2. Saurabh Tiwary blames TV cameras for making him look fat when he actually is not;

3. Rahul Dravid hits three consecutive sixes in a T20 match and still can look at himself in the mirror;

4. For the first time in his life, Sachin Tendulkar writes anything other than a bank deposit form but ICC rejects his radical ODI format proposal. (Wife Anjali just confirmed to Doosra he never wrote a love letter);

5. New BCCI regime is not tried under India's anti-poaching law despite eliminating Kochi Tuskers;

6. Mukesh Bhatt not making a sequel to "Mera Naam Joker" with Mohinder Amarnath in lead;

7. India U-19 captain Ankit Bawne axed on the flimsiest ground. Apparently the poor boy has two different dates of birth -- one in BCCI database and another in his passport. Now even the British queen celebrates her birthday twice every year and they still have persisted with the old fossil. Why single out Bawne?

Concussed Gambhir fails memory test!

Hear it here first!

The nasty concussion has left Gautam Gambhir with a memory as dodgy as Suresh Raina’s technique against rising deliveries.

The team doctor paraded the entire Indian team and to their horror, Gambhir could not recognise his teammates!

Here is what happened there:

Doctor: Hi Gautam...hello Gautam…hey Gautam!

GG: Why are you poking at my ribcage?

Doctor: Because I’m calling you and you are not replying.

GG: But who am I? All I know is that I’m concussed.

Doctor: You are Gautam..

GG: Gautama? Gautama Buddha? Well, Buddha hoga tera baap.

Doctor: You are Gautam Gambhir. Indian cricketer.

GG: Oh yes, it all coming back to me.

Doctor: I’m relieved. Hey Viru, come here. Gautam, you know Viru?

GG: Yes. I know Viru...but he was not bald. Viru... he loves Basanti but mausi doesn’t like him.

Doctor: What are you talking? Viru is Virender Sehwag. Remember you are an opener. Hey, what are you doing? Why are you biting the can?

GG: You said I’m an opener. Was trying to open the can.

Doctor: My god! You are a cricketer who got consussed. You remember how?

GG: Yes, it all coming back to me. I was trying to catch Kevin...Kevin...Kevin Spacey.

Doctor: Pietersen!

GG: Oh yes. It all coming back to me. It’s Pietersen. Don't yell at me.

Doctor: Sachin, come here. Gautam, you know Sachin?

GG: Of course I remember. Sachin.. He has got a nasal voice. I like his "Ore majhi, le chal par".

Doctor: that’s Sachin Devvarman! I’m talking about Sachin Tendulkar!

GG: Oh yes, Tendulkar, Tendulkar. It all coming back to me. Don’t scare me doctor, now I remember it all. By the way, you sure I’m Gautam Gambhir?

Doctor: Yes. Apart from Sachin, you remember any of your team mates? You remember Rahul?

GG: Yes Rahul...he is Sachin’s son.

Doctor: Again! I’m not talking about Rahul Devvarman.

GG: Ok ok, stop scolding me. Was joking. It all coming back to me. Rahul who? Yes Rahul. He’s not Sachin’s son. He is Sonia’s son and will become Prime Minister some day.

Doctor: Hopeless. It’s Rahul Dravid. Ok will help you identify the rest. Look at him. Tell us who he is? His first name is Suresh. Does that ring a bell?

GG: Of coufrse. Hi Suresh. You look younger. You have shaved I see. Doctor, I told him to play cricket but he went to Commonwealth Games instead and got into troubles. I don’t know what he did there but was jailed. Have they released you from Tihar? I’m concussed you know…

Doctor: Aargh! Completely gone case. You can’t recognise anyone. Do you know me or you forgot the team doctor as well?

GG: I know you doctor. You are Dhoni. You got a doctorate other day. I remember everything. It...

Doctor: ...all coming back to you, isn't it?

7 ways India can turn the table at Nottingham

1. Turn the batting order upside down. Ishant Sharma should open with Praveen Kumar. Apart from the fact that they can’t do any worse, the mere sight of them walking in to open would give the Andersons and Tremletts a nasty shock. Consider this, even after mowing down India’s top half, England would not rejoice because they haven’t seen the trace of a Tendulkar or Dravid yet!

2. India should avail the existing extradition treaty with England -- or sign one if there is not any -- and force them to immediately send Harbhajan Singh back. They would be reluctant of course but these are the occasions when Manmohan Singh has to assert himself;

3. Sreesanth, Zaheer’s inevitable replacement, should bowl with his left arm to exploit Strauss and Cook’s weakness against left-arm bowlers;

4. Blood Arjun Tendulkar. That’s the only way to field a free-from-pressure Tendulkar. Already a Team India extension, Arjun has not missed many tours, attended more net sessions that Abhinav Mukund and can be India’s secret weapon;

5. Dravid batted and kept wicket at Lord’s with reasonable success. He should be allowed to bowl in Nottingham to complete the gamut in his final UK tour.

6. BCCI should immediately do whatever they do to be enabled to draw players from neighbours Pakistan and Sri Lanka and swiftly introduce a Kolpak-like ruling which allows half the side to be from Australia;

...and if nothing works...

7. Dhoni should stoop, grab it by the leg, lift it and then push with a perfect follow through. Of course there are other schools of thought but this is by far the most popular method of turning the table.

Exclusive: Tendulkar is broke!

The Pranab Mukherjees and the Montek Singh Ahluwalias would look pretty silly now.

Exposing the hollowness of their GDP growth mumbo-jumbos, another Indian has just slipped under the Below Poverty Line (BPL).

Is it a Dicky Bird? Is it a plane, carrying homesick Lalit Modi? No, it’s Sachin Tendulkar!

Well, hear it here first.

Tendulkar, whose annual income was the closest statisticians got to infinity, is dead broke!

First he sells off his red Ferrari 360 Modena and then he applies for home loan to buy a 1 BHK flat outside Mumbai!

The twin developments merit close analysis and I want you follow me here closely.

Why did Tendulkar sell off his Ferrari, presented by no less than a Michael Schumacher?

Was it his legendary anticipation that warned him of the fuel price hike that was barely 48 hours away?

Was it the political analyst in him that closely monitored the West Bengal election and realised red was fast going out of vogue?

Can it be possible that he had a tiff with Schumacher – suppose Schumi calls him and mistakes his sing-song voice for that of a maid -- and a mighty annoyed Tendulkar did not want to keep any memory of him?

Or was it because he felt let down by Ferrari who did not resist DRS in F1? So what if this DRS stands for Drag Resistance System and not Decision Review System? After all, once you accept the initials, you are not far from accepting the whole thing!

Well, Doosra risked life and limbs to unearth the truth and here’s how the Little Master turned pauper almost overnight.

Tendulkar earned the stuff by sackfuls but didn't trust banks -- including the one he endorses -- and used to stash all his money in the cellar.

And he got the shock of his life when he found termites had eaten up all the notes!

And the rest, as they say, is his story.

P.S. Sources tell us the sole purpose of Tendulkar’s Wimbledon visit was to try and borrow some money from Roger Federer.

7 Reasons Why Tennis Is a Better Sport Than Cricket!

1. Tennis players don't crib about pitches despite made to play on all kind of surfaces;

2. They don't look like offspring of a Michelin Man and a mummy;

3. Women players get equal – in fact more -- attention;

4. Umpires at least get a chair to seat on, are not treated as cloth-hangers and don't have to do funny things with their hands to earn their bread;

5. Players refrain from unhygenic practices, such as applying saliva to the ball;

6. There is no recognised skullduggery called Duckworth-Lewis system to determine the outcome of rain-hit matches;

7. Lalit Modi has no role in it.

(P.S. It's the sight of Maria Sharapova in yellow treading on French Open’s red clay that provoked this post which can alternatively be called Why Tendulkar Attends Wimbledon but Federer Does Not Care About IPL).

7 cricketers on Osama bin Laden’s death

1. Sachin Tendulkar: I have a strong stance on this issue. I strongly feel Osama’s death is either good or bad for us. It just can’t be anything else even though we should not rule out other possibilities. If you ask me, I think it’s essentially a relative subject and so Osama’s relatives can better answer it. Osama was apparently staying in a stone hut in Tora Bora. When people throw stone at you, you turn them into milestone. Instead, Osama turned it into a stone hut and I think that tells everything;

2. Rahul Dravid: Who died isn’t important here. One should not think about individuals, team always comes first. What’s important here is a death has taken place which means the global population has just shrunk and the air available for human consumption will be relatively higher. Besides, I think it would allow batsmen to concentrate better. I remember I was batting against Sachin’s son in Mumbai when the Americans were bombing Afghanistan and it greatly affected my concentration. The only time I had a similar problem was in Sydney when a whale rather loudly exhaled in the adjacent Tasman Sea just when I was taking guard;

3. Shahid Afridi: I’m happy like nobody’s business. When I speaked that Indians not having big hearts and we having, people moleculed me…or is it ridiculed? Whoever…Now see which country gave Laden shelter? I feel…I feel… vindictive…the media will now eat dumbbell pie;

4. Anil Kumble: I see beyond Osama’s death and what stirs me is the inequality of the contest. The US Military and the Al Qaeda were fighting and I’m sorry to say only one team was fighting in the true spirit. Our Bangalore Royal Challengers owner Vijay Mallya has naturally taken interest and promised to reduce the spirit deficit;

5. Sourav Ganguly: I’m really aghast. I think Obama is selling us dummy. I’ve been tipping them that bin Laden was masquerading as Greg Chappell but they did not listen. I’m not convinced that bin Laden is dead;

6. Shoaib Akhtar: Dude, America is not like Pakistan. America is in America and unlike Pakistan, there people don’t celebrate when their presidents die. USA losing president like Osama is like Pakistan losing me;

7. Shane Warne: Heard the guy was living with his youngest wife. Got her number mate?

A Cricket Folktale...Circa 4500 A.D.

Once upton a time, there was a tiny country called Sa-china, inhabited by people called Sa-chinese. A neighbouring Vinod-erland was initially more prosperous before its economy nosedived.

In Sa-china, kids had curly hair, while grown up men practised with harmonium to develop sing-song voice. And they made it a point to marry older girls.

There, anyone taller than 5'5" was sneered at and people opted for euthanasia at 99 since a century often augured disaster for the country.

Most boys went by the names of Himesh, Pritam, Bappi, Annu, Shankar, Ehsan, Loy, Ismail etc because it was manadatory to name kids after music directors.

There, people dialled to say "Aila" and not "Hello". Even the neighbourhood fishmongers accepted a certain credit card and if a customer offered cash, s/he would be admonished: "Visa power, go get it."

There were some schools but no college or university in the country because people were convinced of education's futility.

In fact parents used to garland their kid the day they dropped out of schools, which was generally believed to mark the beginning of their journey to glory.

The country had only mud houses because stones were not available. Whenever they saw a stone, they turned it into a milestone, as their Father of the Nation had once advised them.

There, people used to eat out at Mainland Sa-china, where Sa-chinese dishes were served.

Aged people suffered mainly from tennis elbow and they worked as long as they wished. Retirement talks were not encouraged at all...

7 World Cup inferences!

I know people who dismiss the Indian cricketers as obscenely overpaid nitwits who should not be allowed to open their mouth except when eating.

But if you can read between the lines they utter, you would be amazed at their unsuspected depth. The word I’m groping for has a cat in it...implications…if you know what I mean.

Sample the seven inferences anyone will draw after listening to them:

1. Yusuf Pathan is Atlas reborn: As Virat Kohli so articulately put, Tendulkar has “carried the burden of the nation” for 21 years and Yusuf Pathan carried Tendulkar in Mumbai. It amounts to, if your arithmetic is alive and kicking, carrying the burden of a nation + 65 kg.

2. Yuvraj Singh has corrected himself: "I think we kissed the World Cup trophy a thousand times".

3. Yuvraj had a bright future as a claymodeller before he took to cricket: "Earlier, whatever I was touching was turning into mud."

4. Praveen Kumar thinks Dhoni is fast losing popularity : "Dhoni is Obama of cricket"

5. Dhoni believes if human mind develops pimple, it should be named after Sreesanth:"If you want to irritate someone that should be the opposition and not your side."

6. Yuvraj thinks there is not much difference between Gambhir and love – both are blind: "I told Gautam: I am not Virender Sehwag, I can't run like that."

7. Dhoni helps a great deal to keep Yuvraj cool: "I am a great fan of Yuvraj."

P.S. A couple of you wanted to know my World Cup experience. I’m afraid the details would only bore most. If you insist, well some of my experiences include being abused by Yuvraj's father over phone for about 10 minutes, holding Geoffrey Boycott's hat in a flight while he jostled with Arun Jaitley's secretary to stow luggage, spilling coffee on Nasser Hussain's shoe in Chennai, listening to Derek Pringle swearing profusely in Hindi in Ahmedabad, nearly tripping Sanjay Manjrekar in Mohali...warned you, it would only bore you.