10 Predictions

* Every Indian village will get its own CCD by 2019;

* Investigation will eventually reveal Indrani Mukherjee was born after she married herself;

* Agencies supplying freelance hunger strikers will soon be a reality;

* India and Pakistan will fight the next war not over Kashmir but over Rameez Raja -- each insisting the other keeps him;

* People who begin sentence with "Basically" would be doubly taxed;

* India's cricket clout will grow so much that ICC will have to apply for BCCI membership;

* iPhone will emerge as a new monotheistic religion;

* People who use "Password" as their password will be publicly shamed;

* Launching satellites through ISRO will be cheaper than travelling from Gurgaon to Noida by Uber/Ola;

* Audrey Hepburn will return from the dead to tell us that all the black-and-white photographs of hers flooding social media are fake.

(Here are "15 Predictions")

(Here are "15 More Predictions")

Why This Year’s Nobel Peace Prize Sucks

First a confession. Still in the clutch of a post-lunch siesta, initially I read this year’s Nobel Peace prize has gone to Kailash Kher and Malaika Arora which seemed to me a fair even if somewhat a left-field choice.

After all, Kher, even at the height of his fame, looks a perfectly humble and peaceful guy even though history tells us most of civilisation’s worst tyrants, such as Attila the Hun, Hitler and Don Bradman, have been people who traded vertical growth for career growth leaving (runs and) ruins in their wake.

Malaika was not an unnatural choice either, having done her bit in maintaining peace in
a Mumbai household which tops the muscle-per-family-member table but is not exactly known for emotional stability.

Furious rubbing of eyes revealed the jury has, not for the first time or last, made a complete ass of itself and has gone ahead and gifted it to some Kailash Satyarthi and Malala Yousafzai instead.

If you ask me, this year’s Nobel Peace prize should be called LoC, something India and Pakistan share and neither looks completely happy with the arrangement.

If you’ve seen his photos that have started littering the front pages of the newspapers, you’d agree with me what Satyarthi actually needed is not a Nobel prize but a stout razor and a tube of shaving cream. With the money he now has, he can obviously secure a lifetime supply of shaving kit but that’s a roundabout way of doing things.

What is more baffling is they made him share it with Malala Yousafzai. It’s not a paani-puri that you serve to a teenage girl and ask her to share it with her neighbourhood chacha.

Spare a thought for the girl! The poor girl is still recovering from the trauma of being shot by the Talibans and instead of helping her recuperate, you give her a nasty shock. Have a heart!

One completely understands the jury’s compulsion. Under a secret agreement, they have to announce a winner every year for the award that Alfred Nobel had started, for reasons best known to him, or be blown up by the good Swede’s most famous invention – dynamite.

What one doesn’t is their queer choice even when you had at least another dozen candidates who deserved it more.

Baba Siddique for instance. The Bandra MLA did the Bollywood equivalent of making Sourav Ganguly feed Greg Chappell with his right hand while fanning the feisty Aussie with his left. Siddique facilitated the epoch-making hug between Shah Rukh Khan and Salman Khan, whose followers, historians and Bollywood analysts predict, would fight World War III. If that doesn’t qualify for a Nobel then I don’t know what does.

One would go to the extent of saying that it could have been given to any Newshour panelist, for showing exemplary restraint and resisting the temptation to throttle Arnab Goswami.

And if the jury was keen on springing an obscure Indian in an unsuspecting world, Adi Pocha should have received it even if belatedly. Nobody spread peace more than Pocha has. He spread “Shanti” over 807 episodes and Mandira Bedi has not looked back since.

(Pix: DNA)
(P.S. Hope all realise it’s a humour piece and means no disrespect to anyone, however worthy)

Afridi’s Secret Diary: Aluminium Association of My Child School

I'm return. I not righting the dairy for a long time. The because was I being very busy like nobody's business. Playing cricket and thinking what be the good time for next retirement not being easy.

Outside that, I visited my child school last weak. It was many emotional. So many memories -- of rising over bench, being chicken for not doing homeworks, stealing paranthas from friend’s tipping box ...

As a student, I was, what you call, too sigh to speak. Fully no confidence, always hiding be low the desk. Sigh and what is the word? Yes, I was inverter like nobody's business.

My other child school friends also comed. All are establishment in life. We had very sad feeling seeing the old school building. It looked like collapsing anytime like our betting lineup. We feeled if we rise money for a new building, it will be a good jester.

So we all the before students of the school decided to come to gather and from a Aluminium Association and rise some money. Why aluminium, not iron which is more strongest is I not knowing.

A friend said we can also get many money from Inzamam Bhai if we call it Aloominium Association. I respect Inzy bhai who being a roll model but I smiled like nobody's business. Time for practice now. Coach will be accepting me on the ground. Good buy for now.

Afridi's Secret Diary: Back After A Whale

I'm returning back after a whale. Was busy like nobody's business and losted this dairy which I thinked our family goat have eated. I'm joy it's alive and I can right again. The goat is not aliving though, we eated the testy animal.

Many things happened in the last some months of the past. In the first in cricket, Sachin Tendulkar is no more. (My girl daughter telling me 'no more' is uncorrect. It should be "no more playing cricket". This kids. They may be little in age but you teach so much from them. Kids are like kidneys, be there caretaker).

Ok, Tendulkar being retired. But he doing it only once and I done it so many times that you need toes also to count. Some times I am not knowing weather I am playing or retiring. At list in one field, I'm before of Tendulkar like nobody's business.

People say cricket will be pour without Sachin. Same time, he will be pour without cricket. Arrey, he not getting match fees and advertisemens like olden days.

In other hand, Australia win Ashes like nobody's business. I not unaccepted it. I thinked England having good form and Australia having very little good form.

Mitchell Johnson bowled liked nobody's business. He wanting like keeling England's batsmans. And that intimating mousetouch! Waise I too having mousetouch. I not saving daily. Not because I wanting to shave money. I wanting to keep a stable which pupil think is cold. (Girl daughter telling me it's not 'cold' but 'cool'. Read it cool, ok? He will be happy. Kids are like kidneys, make those happy)

Also in the middle time, Imran Khan lossed election. It was bad. Wins and losses are part of cricket. But not in politics. Their you are a looser if you loose. But I like him like nobody's business. And he is still being free, dislike Musharraf who can anytime go jail which is either good or bad.

No more righting today. Wish all my fans a pieceful happy new year.

Woolmer got death as a gift?

(Did Bob Woolmer drink death?)

Even after his mortals remains were cremated after going through a disgraceful six weeks of post-death rigmarole, there is no let up in theories as to what killed Bob Woolmer.

The Sunday Times quoted a Jamaican Police source saying that Woolmer consumed poisoned champagne – a rare weedkiller was used as poison-- which he got as a gift.

Police found high level of herbicide in his stomach and also discovered its traces in the glass from which he drank.

“Everything was contaminated. The stomach content, the glass, everything. There was enough to kill him,” the source said.

Woolmer was apparently poisoned before being strangled to death in the Kingston hotel room a day after Ireland knocked Pakistan out of the World Cup

The sleuths are also zeroing on the two champagne bottles, which Woolmer got as a gift. One was emptied and another was found untouched.

The weedkiller is rare and sleuths are not sure if it’s available in Jamaica.

“We think it’s something very unusual, that you can’t even buy in Jamaica. We don’t know what form it was in, whether liquid or crystal. The weedkiller was certainly in the glass. We are not sure whether it was in the bottle. Until we get further results we can’t confirm it,” the source added.

(Photo: AP)

Now a fatwah angle to Woolmer murder case!

(Bob Woolmer's body reaches Cape Town, at last; Photo: AP)


Hired hitman, match-fixers (not of the matrimonial kind), Al-qaeda, Dawood Ibrahim, snake venom, strangulation, poison…now add a ‘fatwah’ angle to Bob Woolmer’s mysterious murder in his Kingston hotel.

Pervez Mir, Pakistan media manager in the World Cup, told BBC Panorama programme that Woolmer was unhappy that Inzamam’s boys prayed more and played less. Woolmer never wanted to coach a side teeming with devout Tableeqi Jamaat followers.

Mir’s complaint about the players’ over-religiousness earned the poor man a fatwah and forced him to flee Pakistan. Mir claims, Woolmer too would have invited a fatwah had he gone public with his feelings on the players.

Mir went on to recall an incident to prove his point:

"A CD was being played which was a Tableeqi CD and Bob, who was sitting behind me, said 'why don't you tell them to stop? If they want to listen to that they could on their iPods or personal devices', and he thought that he shouldn't be subjected to all that and I agreed with Bob."

Jamaica Police deny treating Inzy's boys like criminals

Jamaican Police, it's deputy commissioner Mark Shields to be precise, have vehemently denied treating Pakistani cricketers like criminals.

Younis Khan had recently alleged that he and his fellow team mates went through a nightmarish stay in the Caribbean where they were knocked out of the World Cup by Ireland and then had to go through humiliations following the murder of coach Bob Woolmer in a Kingston hotel.

"At one stage I got so angry with the way we were being treated I told the Jamaican authorities we are international cricketers not criminals," Younis said

The Pakistani players were grilled, finger-printed and had to give their DNA samples before leaving the Caribbean.

Shields, however, dismissed the allegation, saying ""Nothing could be further than the truth," and added "We had 100 per cent cooperation from the Pakistan team."

The top cop also announced that Police had received the toxicology results in the Bob Woolmer murder case but said they needed time to analyse the reports before reaching a conclusion.

Younis Khan, the wounded Pathan, shies away from captaincy

(Younis heckled at airport on return from Caribbean)

Stung by vitriol from all corners, a livid Younis Khan has rejected Pakistan’s captaincy, saying the humiliation is not worth it. He’s even planning to quit ODI and play only Test matches.

“I told them 'thank you for the offer but I am not interested, especially after the way the team has been treated after the World Cup'," Younis.

One can understand his state of the troubled mind. There world came crashing down in the World Cup. They first lost to Ireland to crash out of the event and then lost their coach Bob Woolmer.

What followed is a long rigmarole of humiliation. They were treated like criminals, were forced to stay back even though their World Cup dream was over. They were grilled, finger-printed and then had swab forced into their mouth to collect DNA samples.

Younis admits at one stage, he yelled at the police authorities, asking them not to treat the players like murderers. “We were treated as criminals, as if we had murdered Woolmer.”
The anger is understandable for Younis was especially fond of the late Woolmer. Younis used to call Woolmer’s wife, Gill, mom and they treated the player as their third son.
Things proved equally bad for Younis when he returned home after the horrendous week in the West Indies.

“Bring a donkey for him and ask him to sit on it and roam him around the city,'” one of the angry fans at Karachi International Airport shouted when Younis had arrived from London. A furious Younis had to be escorted to home by friends and family members.

But they could not keep the player away from harsh jokes and television spoof telecast round the clock.

"Losing and winning is part of the game but when your family is not spared and gets threatening calls and people abuse and insult you on returning to the country, then the captaincy is not worth it," said Younis, Inzamam-ul Haq’s heir apparent for two years.

"It was humiliating to see musicians and actors making fun of us and of our services to Pakistan cricket on television,” said the Pathan.

Mumbai Tech Firm Masters Crystal Ball Gazing for World Cup!

By now, Mumbai’s Fractal Analytics Ltd must have been flooded by calls from the bookies, and why not? After all they had rightly predicted that Brian Lara’s men will come on top in the World Cup opener against Pakistan! And hold on, their forecast about Lara and Inzamam-ul Haq’s scores in the match was spot on too!

Bookies, however, can eat their heart out as Mukesh Budhani, a consultant with Fractal made it clear that they are steering clear of any murky business and vehemently denied placing even personal bets.

Fractal, which otherwise earns its bread by predicting customer and employee behavior for its clients in Asia and the US, however, erred in one respect. They had predicted a close match but in the end, West Indies romped home to a facile win.
Budhani, however, is not ruffled by that and said the model cannot predict dropped catches or run-outs.
So here goes the obvious million dollar question - can Rahul Dravid do a Kapil Dev and return with the Cup? Budhani says even he doesn’t have the answer as of now and it would depend on the last match played. So the suspense continues and though knuckles must be aching, fans will have to keep their fingers crossed till April 28.