Tuesday 20 April 2010

How KKR can still win IPL III

Apparently, we have seen the last of KKR in IPL III.

Ganguly’s rare athleticism, Gayle’s blings and shades, McCullum’s tattoos, Shah Rukh Khan’s soppy tweets, Juhi Chawla’s smiles that actually met at the back of her head, the foulness of the jersey's colour scheme…nothing could bring home the bacon.

But not everything is lost yet. Miracles do happen, although not as frequently as Lalit Modi’s Twitters.

With a pinch of enterprise and bit of luck, KKR can STILL win IPL III and here is how.

1. First the cinch. SRK unleashes a charm offensive and convinces Herr Lalit Modi to pluck Ramalinga Raju out of Chanchalguda jail and entrust him with the number-punching job.

It would take some persuasion indeed but once achieved, the only job left would be to put the bubbly on ice for an April 25 uncorking. Golly!

2. SRK gets Fuhrer Modi to tweak the rules and decide that the title would go to the team owner with most Tweets against his name. And no prize for guessing that SRK wins hands down here. Yippee! 

Of his rivals, Nita Ambani apparently reckons Twitter is another oil company owned by her husband and you can’t blame her for that. Among others, Preity Zinta suspects Twitter is a sequel to ‘Twister’, Vijay Mallya is cocksure it’s an F1 videogame while Shilpa Shetty believes it’s a reality show and is in fact planning to sue the racist producer for leaving her out.

3. SRK seeks divine intervention and the script goes along these lines.  Ganguly and gang are, as his wont, late in arriving for the prize giving ceremony at DY Patil Stadium and a devastating earthquake gobbles up other seven teams.

Deals have been signed and TV rights have been peddled. So Monsieur Modi sees no other option but to handover the title to the lone survivors KKR, who go home praising Ganguly’s vision. Whoopee!

4. IPL turns out to be actually a Karan Johar movie in which SRK looks utterly unconvincing and sensationally silly all along but still ends up on the winning side in the end.

Wednesday 14 April 2010

Shahid Afridi’s Secret Diary: Wishing Shoaib

I’m again joy like nobody’s business. What is the because? Well, finally Shoaib Malik divorced the girl he called sister and he goed on to merry Sania Mirza, whom he fortunately doesn’t call his sister.

I called him and wished him many, many happy returns of the day. No idea why he not likening it and banged the phone. Lacks mannerism, I think.

But I not blaming him. Ayesha, Maha, Sayali, Sania…waise toh sabka Malik ek hai. But it was implicated like nobody’s business. Goed through hell. Poor chap. And had to give Rs 61 lakh haq mehr to Sania. Now you knowed why I called him poor chap.

But if you questioning me, I short of liken Shoaib. He looks like a idiot, talks like a idiot and plays like a idiot. But inside, he is a 24-carrot genteel man. Inside dressing room, he is chewing carrots all the time in a corner, never throwing ten-trams like the other Shoaib.

I’m doubtless he was victim of some kind of something that ends with piracy…what you call it?...got it...conspiracy.

So I’m joy his trouble is finally over and they now can settle in Gulf. After all, all’s well that ends in oil and you don’t have more oil outside Gulf.

Wednesday 7 April 2010

Reading Between Lines: What Afridi meant when he said...

"Since he has gone to India he must now bring his bride home."

1. We had advised the moron not to walk into the outstretched arms of the Hyderabad Police but then fools keep rushing in where angels fear to tread;

2. Better you rot in a dungeon in Hyderabad than thinking of returning empty-handed. The message is loud and clear. Bring home the bacon, no excuse please;

3. Your silly affair has snowballed into an issue of national prestige and you must return with a bride by side. Nub of the matter is, Pakistan will not open its door to a single Shoaib;

4. Just bring home a bride, you halfwit and we won’t nitpick. Ayesha, Maha, Sayali, Sania…anything will do;

5. I have a bet with Misbah-ul-Haq that Shoaib would land up marrying none of the four girls mentioned above. My money is on Rakhi Sawant to win ‘Shoaib ka Swayambar’ in one of the Indian channels.

Monday 5 April 2010

Inside the Palace of Lalit (IPL)

Servant: Sir you have been so busy, no Max Mobile Time Out at all. Couldn’t tell you that one of your dogs is missing.
LM: What? Which one?

Servant: Million Dollar. We were airing her along with Tender, Franchise and Eyeball when Million Dollar broke loose.
LM: Gosh! What the hell you people do? All incompetent nincompoops. Now the Million Dollar question is where it could have gone?
Servant: Sir, actually Million Dollar had an affair with neighbourhood Subhashbabu’s dog.
LM: Subhashbabu’s dog! You mean that ICL! Have to teach a lesson to Subhashbabu. You just can’t have your dog hobnobbing with Million Dollar when you don’t have the official flirting rights.
Servant: Too late sir, damage has already been done. Million Dollar has delivered six kittens.
LM: What! A DLF Maximum! But that is an unauthorized association! We have to lure away the entire dog family. Dangle that Amnesty dog biscuit and bring them back. Whole family, you understand?
Servant: Whole family! Including ICL? Wow, that will be a Karbonn Kamal Catch sir!
LM: Yes, I’m waiting for that Citi Moment of Success when all the dogs will be here and Subhashbabu will have only himself to go airing with. Hahahah.