Indian Grand Prix: Live Commentary by Ravi Shastri and Navjot Sidhu

Ravi Shastri: Welcome to Indian Grand Prix. The news from centre is Red Bull’s Sebastian Vettel has won the toss and decided to bat first. Err...I mean...has won the pole and decided to finish first. Greater Noidaaaaaaaaa. Are you readyyyyyy?

Navjot Sidhu: Oye guruuuuu. My lines are ready too, thoko tali. The grass is green, the sky is blue, Ecclestone’s daughter is down with flu...

RS: Cut the crap Sherry. The atmosphere is electric at Buddh International Circuit. There is some dew, I just got the feeling that gripping steering would be difficult later in the race. Whoever wins the toss should...err, I keep forgetting there is no toss. Let’s move to the commentary box.

NS: Chha gaya guru, chal!

RS: Ladies and gentlemen, here we go! The 3rd Indian Grand Prix is on and Sebastian Vettel is off like a tracer bullet!

NS: Bas kar yaar! If Vettel is bullet then Alonso is not too late, and I see Grosjean, stepping up to the plate. Thoko taali!

RS: A flying start for Vettel taking advantage of field restrictions but Webber is cutting loose here. Sherry, I just got the feeling that Vettel and Alonso will give it everything.

NS: Bas kar yaar! Remember, a wire catches fire like the pant of a liar…

RS: He started off well but the question is will Vettel win? Will he lose? Will it be a tie? At this stage, all three results are possible!

NS: Tie? my dear friend, a tie is a pie in the sky and its chances are well nigh…

RS: Vettel is changing tyre here and rejoins race. He’s just upped the ante!

NS: Chha gaya guruuuu! Ante or aunty, Babli aur Bunty, I’m feeling hungry, can I have some bun-tea? Thoko tali…

RS: Now Alonso hits Webber! Remember, when Alonso hits, it stays hit! The race is going down to the wire. Well, not really. Vettel has built a healthy lead. I think he should declare now and put the opposition in. What do you think Sherry?

NS: Oye guruuuu, declare is like éclairs, you shouldn’t delay.

RS: Another DLF maximum! Vettel clocks the fastest lap! Excellent running between the wickets. Sherry, I think he should try a slower one and deceive his rivals. Just what the doctor ordered!

NS: Oye guruuuu, speed is like weed. It gives you a kick. Why should Vettel slow down? Remember when you go with the flow, you don’t glow when you slow.

RS: Looks like Alonso got stuck in heavy traffic! I just got the feeling that he will take the aerial route. He’s trailing but Alonso is a cool customer with loads of experience. He will soon be dealing in boundaries.

NS: Boundaries! Guruuuu, you mean he will hit the boundary tyrewall?

RS: Not at all Sherry. Boundary means he’d overtake four cars at a time.

NS: Chha gaya guruuu! Webber retired, Pic retired, seems Hulkenberg too retired…It’s reminding me of the cycle stand at Rajendrs Talkies in Patiala – one falls and the whole row collapses!

RS: Sherry, we are talking about F1, not bicycles, ok? concentrate on the race, it’s about to end. I’ll tell Srini Sir to dock half your salary and give it to me instead. And as we talk, Vettel hits DLF maximum! A huge six…th successive win with Alonso nowhere in sight!

NS: Oye guruuuu, maza a gaya. My dear Ravi, Vettel is like the King among men, peacock among hen...

RS: ...and unlike you, sober among insane. Moron. Well, that’s it from Buddh International Circuit. We all saw a high-scoring contest. It was a cracker of a race and fair to say that in the end, cricket was the real winner.

(Pix: AP)

SCOOP: When Mayawati met Schumacher!

Doosra has doggedly remained a cricket blog despite temptations but I guess one has to make exception in extraordinary circumstances.

So when you realise you’ve chanced upon something that doesn’t fall strictly within cricket’s purview, you have to be flexible.

Presently, Doosra has accessed Uttar Pradesh Chief Minister Mayawati’s conversation with F1 legend Michael Schumacher on the sidelines of the Indian GP.

What transpired between them is nothing short of sensational with Schumacher vowing not to race in next year’s race if it’s not shifted out of UP.

Schumacher: Hello madam. How do you do.

Mayawati: Hello...oye…how do you mean? Are you from CBI wanting to know how I do it? But if you really want to know, I prefer in black (winks).

Schumacher: I didn’t get you…

Mayawati: Nobody gets me, not even CBI. He he he. Anyway, who are you? Are you one of the drivers?

Schumacher: Yes. I thought everyone knows Schumacher (sulks). I’m Schumacher.

Mayawati: But you just said you are a driver!

Schumacher: Yes. I’m a world famous driver. Everyone knows, except you.

Mayawati: If everyone knows you are a driver then why are you lying?

Schumacher: I didn’t lie.. (Can’t believe what this fatso is blabbering !)

Mayawati: Everyone knows you are a driver and you are telling me you are a show-maker. Isn’t that lie?

Schumacher: Shoe-maker! My foot!

Mayawati: No, my foot. See, if you are a shoe-maker, I think I can offer you a job. You have to make pump shoes for my feet. I love my footwears you know. Once I sent my private jet to bring my favourite slippers from Mumbai and the mediawallahs made such an issue of it.

Schumacher: You are mistaken madam. I’m a driver called Schumacher. My name is Schumacher, Michael Schumacher.

Mayawati: Stop imitating Bond. So what if you are a driver? I need a driver as well. Will you work for me? I’ll pay you good salary and you get a servant’s quarter as well. And there are parks as well.

Schumacher: You mean perks?

Mayawati: No moron, I mean park. Have you seen my giant statues at the Noida Park? If you become my driver, I’ll install one of your statues as well.

Schumacher: But that’s for people of your party and community!

Mayawati: So what? I’ll change your name to shoe-maker and tell everyone that you are a actually a Dalit cobbler.

Schumacher: Good lord! You are incredible!

Mayawati: So you accepting the job?

Schumacher: Well, madam, it would have been a pleasure. But.. you see that lad? He’s Sebastian Vettel and is a much better driver. He was looking for a job anyway.

Mayawati: What he drives?

Schumacher: He drives a Red Bull.

Mayawati: Bull? You really mean bull? Oye, I’m the lord of Uttar Pradesh and you think I ride a bullock cart?

Schumacher: Madam it’s an F1 team called Red Bull and he’s better than me.

Mayawati: Really? Seems wasted my time here. Oye Sebastian, come here...

Indian cricket fraternity reacts to Indian GP

You feel better when you have got it off your chest. So, time to confess the sin. Yes, Doosra was at the inaugural Indian Grand Prix.

Lest you hold it against the blog, let me tell you so were the cricketers.

Once in the F1 paddock, Doosra did just what is expected of it. Doosra spoke to those present, called those absent and even contacted BCCI boss N Srinivasan, who said he was neither present nor absent.

Well, here are the selected responses of the Indian cricket fraternity to the country's first Formula One race.

1. M S Dhoni: Honestly speaking, with a lead like that, Vettel should have declared long ago;

2. Venkatesh Prasad: Well, yeah...ummm… Vettel is overrated, he does not have a slower;

3. BCCI chief N Srinivasan: We strongly condemn the low trick of smuggling DRS into India using F1;

4. Bishan Singh Bedi: Vettel has a suspect action, should be stripped of all points;

5. Sachin Tendulkar: I suggest we cut the 60-lap race into 4 races of 15 laps each;

6. Harbhajan Singh: I would have loved to race here. The track has lot of turns. Especially liked turn 5.

7. Suresh Raina: Vettel is okay but Dhoni is the best captain in the world. Because at the end of the day...Jai Mata Di.