Application For The Post Of Team India Head Coach

To
Shri Sachin Tendulkar
Shri Sourav Ganguly
Shri VVS Laxman

Subject: Application for Head Coach, Team India

Dear Sirs,

This is in response to your advertisement for the post of Head Coach, Team India. Kindly convey my sincere thanks to Anil Kumble Sir, for creating a vacancy when the job market is shrinking like hemline in summer.

I don't really know why he quit but can make an educated guess that he paid the price for trying to be the Greg Chappell from Bangalore.

I heard he was determined to bring Virat's meeting with Anushka strictly under the FTP.

Being an ICC Cricket Committee member, he also insisted that Virat mouthed only MCC-approved, gender-neutral expletives. Apparently, he was mortally scared of having to say "Only one team is abusing in the true spirit of the game and it's not India."

A renowned wildlife photographer, he reportedly sought BCCI approval to drop Axar Patel in front of a starving lion in Gir to capture the beast's yawn.

While I don't boast a record like Anil sir, I have none of his eccentricities either.

I think the first attribute of a good coach is vision and mine is 20/20. I'm attaching the ophthalmologist's report corroborating it. Unlike Anil Sir, I can see the writing on the wall.

My biggest strength is that I've never coached any team in my life. I'm attaching endorsement letters from eight clubs confirming they never considered me worthy of the job.

My inexperience means existing ideas have not polluted or confined my views, and that I won't be just recycling the standard coaching practices to justify my salary. No.

As someone with no knowledge of cricket coaching, my ideas are naturally fresh, completely unbiased and potentially revolutionary.

It may shock the players initially but that's how all revolutionary ideas kick in -- with a bang and not whimper.

Unlike Anil Sir, I have a better idea of what the job entails. Trust me, I have no illusion about the job.

Players at this age don't need a coach. What they need is someone who is decent at baby-sitting. For instance, I've noticed players like Shikhar Dhawan tour with the entire family in tow.

I can look after the kids while their dads play and moms shop. I'm attaching endorsement letters from neighbourhood moms who'd vouch for my baby-sitting skills. I don't want to brag but I can change diaper blindfolded and with one arm tied behind my back.

I can even take their wives/girlfriends to shopping, in an "elder-brotherly" manner, if you know what I mean. I'm great at haggling and can get them the best deal anywhere. I'm attaching letters of endorsement from three exasperated shopkeepers to support my claim.

I know bit of cooking as well. So, for instance, if Rohit Sharma wants a bowl of noodles and walks out to bat, I can serve it piping hot when he returns.

I understand the job requires thick skin and I blush to inform that daily hundreds of mosquitoes blunt their precious proboscis trying to suck my blood. I'm attaching a clinical profile of the skin to support my claim.

As for mindset, after a decade of marital bliss, I'm clinically immune to criticism, sarcasm, humiliation and outright insults.

I read Anil Sir was the 'alpha male' in the dressing room. Kindly tell Virat that I'm ready to be the 'omega male' and he should not worry.

Sirs, in keeping with the demand of the job, I'm ready to feel unheeded and unwanted, and ridiculed behind my back.

If I understand it correctly, you are looking for a high-profile good-for-nothing, who should assiduously twiddle his thumb while the captain calls the shots.

I understand as Head Coach, my job would be to front the media after crushing defeats and dust the captain's chair before he addresses news folks post-victory.

Without further testing your presence, I believe I've strongly demonstrated that I have a crystal-clear understanding of the job.

Please find attached my CV. Should you need any further information, just give me a miss call and I'll call you back.


Yours sincerely
A permanently married, temporarily jobless Indian

10 Books Unlikely To Be Written In India

Doosra interviews Shastri after spat with Ganguly

As if losing India head coach's job was not bad enough, Ravi Shastri picked a fight with, of all people, Sourav Ganguly.

As it happens in any scrap with Ganguly, and a significant chunk of Australian population will vouch for it, the experience has been rather unpleasant for Shastri.

Shastri was naturally downbeat when Doosra met him but still agreed to bare his heart in this interview.

Excerpts from an interview which ended abruptly due to circumstances.

Doosra: Did the interview took place in a cordial atmosphere?
Shastri: No complaint about the atmosphere. I was sitting in a Thai beach, beer in hand and shaking a leg with the hip, young crowd. The atmosphere was electrifying and as the day progressed, it was only going to get hotter.

Doosra: Well, when you applied for the job, what was your expectation?
Shastri: Look boss. I'm a cool customer. I approached it with lot of positivity. I knew if I want to win it, I need to play well. I have the experience, I knew the guys on the panel and naturally I thought that all three results were possible.

Doosra: Err, all three?
Shastri: Yes. Me getting the job, they giving me the job and the job coming to me -- all three results looked fairly possible.

Doosra: That's probably taking it for granted. But why from Thailand and via Skype? Why didn't you, like Anil Kumble, appear in person?
Shastri: Just what the doctor ordered.

Doosra: Sorry?
Shastri: I mean that's what the doctor told me. Coaching and commentary put me under lot of stress. My family physician suggested I take a break and go to a beach somewhere. So I took the aerial route!

Doosra: But Kumble made a proper two-hour presentation and your spoke barely for 45 minutes.
Shastri: To hell with five-day tests and two-hour presentations. What's wrong with 45-minute presentations? I began with "KOLKATA, ARE YOU READY!" That should have been enough.

Doosra: Evidently that was not enough. Anyway, 57 people applied for the job. Do you think eventually it boiled down to you and Kumble?
Shastri: Look boss, it was a pressure cooker scenario. Anil was firing on all cylinders, so I upped the ante. It was going down to the wire. In the end, cricket, I mean Anil, was the real winner. All because of that @#$%^&* Ganguly.

Doosra: You think Sourav has a problem with you?
Shastri: How would I know? He left even before my interview began. But all three results are possible?

Doosra: Like?
Shastri: Like - he hates me, he loathes or he detests me.

Doosra: One must say that you started it by accusing him of showing "disrespect". How hurt were you by the way he hit back?
Shastri: When he hits, it stays hit. He went for the jugular.

Doosra: In the end, what do you think clinch it for Kumble?
Shastri: He got good 'purchase' from the wicket (winks).

Doosra: You think it could have been different had you been physically present at the interview?
Shastri: Maybe they didn't like me doing it from abroad. Remember, we are dealing in boundaries here!

Doosra: When did you realise the finger has gone up?
Shastri: When I saw Ganguly was absent. By the way, I got a feeling here - that you are making fun of me. Are you?

Doosra: All three results are possible.
Shastri: Like?

Doosra: Like -- mocking you, ridiculing you or taking the mickey out of you.
Shastri: No half-measures here, will come after you like a tracer bullet...

Decoding Budget 2015

Chuck the economics mumbo-jumbo. In a nutshell, some stuff have just got more expensive and some cheaper. Ignore the economic gobbledygook and read on as Doosra explains the ramifications of the change in prices of certain stuff.

CHEAPER:
1. Agarbattis: A massive boost for Bollywood. How? Well, more producers can now burn them in front of their late parent’s B/W portrait and shoot the scene to be shown before opening credits;

2. Ambulance Service: Smart move, aimed at encouraging citizens to fall ill, which would in turn boost, among other, pharma sector and the death care industry;

3. Visiting zoos/national park: Disastrous step. More nutcases will now jump into tiger cages and become instant snacks;

4. Leather footwear priced above Rs 1000: Welcome move, especially for girls. Most sub-1000 footwears don’t last a five-minute thrashing of one of those male scoundrels that roam the world.

5. Pacemakers: Wise step. Those who have it ran 24x7 the risk of getting mugged at gun point. Making it cheaper means it’s no more lucrative in black market.


COSTLIER:
1. Cigarettes: A fundamentally-flawed move to curb cancer. People won’t stop smoking if you make cigarette costlier, something every budget has been doing. If you are really serious about curbing smoking, make cigarette so cheap that nobody would smoke it fearing they’d look downmarket. People buy iPhone because it roughly costs whatever a Chinese teenager’s kidney fetches from open market. Make it cheap and people won’t touch it with a 10-foot pole.

2. Eating out: Perfect move. For long, gastrointestinal diseases were so cheap that any Tom, Dick and Harry could dine out and get it. This move

3. Plastic bags: As Ravi Shastri would say: Just what the doctor ordered. It would force the stingy Bollywood actors to pay more for the stuff they collect and melt to cover up bodily flaws.

4. Cement. A masterstroke to rein in Jaitley’s BCCI colleague N Srinivasan. The more expensive it is, the fewer buyer. This would undermine India Cements chief Srinivasan’s affluence and clout in cricket world;

5. Liquor & Chit fund: A harsh move which effectively means if you’ve lost money in chit fund, you can’t even drown that sorrow in alcohol.

(Pix: Bloomberg)

Indian Grand Prix: Live Commentary by Ravi Shastri and Navjot Sidhu

Ravi Shastri: Welcome to Indian Grand Prix. The news from centre is Red Bull’s Sebastian Vettel has won the toss and decided to bat first. Err...I mean...has won the pole and decided to finish first. Greater Noidaaaaaaaaa. Are you readyyyyyy?

Navjot Sidhu: Oye guruuuuu. My lines are ready too, thoko tali. The grass is green, the sky is blue, Ecclestone’s daughter is down with flu...

RS: Cut the crap Sherry. The atmosphere is electric at Buddh International Circuit. There is some dew, I just got the feeling that gripping steering would be difficult later in the race. Whoever wins the toss should...err, I keep forgetting there is no toss. Let’s move to the commentary box.

NS: Chha gaya guru, chal!

RS: Ladies and gentlemen, here we go! The 3rd Indian Grand Prix is on and Sebastian Vettel is off like a tracer bullet!

NS: Bas kar yaar! If Vettel is bullet then Alonso is not too late, and I see Grosjean, stepping up to the plate. Thoko taali!

RS: A flying start for Vettel taking advantage of field restrictions but Webber is cutting loose here. Sherry, I just got the feeling that Vettel and Alonso will give it everything.

NS: Bas kar yaar! Remember, a wire catches fire like the pant of a liar…

RS: He started off well but the question is will Vettel win? Will he lose? Will it be a tie? At this stage, all three results are possible!

NS: Tie? my dear friend, a tie is a pie in the sky and its chances are well nigh…

RS: Vettel is changing tyre here and rejoins race. He’s just upped the ante!

NS: Chha gaya guruuuu! Ante or aunty, Babli aur Bunty, I’m feeling hungry, can I have some bun-tea? Thoko tali…

RS: Now Alonso hits Webber! Remember, when Alonso hits, it stays hit! The race is going down to the wire. Well, not really. Vettel has built a healthy lead. I think he should declare now and put the opposition in. What do you think Sherry?

NS: Oye guruuuu, declare is like éclairs, you shouldn’t delay.

RS: Another DLF maximum! Vettel clocks the fastest lap! Excellent running between the wickets. Sherry, I think he should try a slower one and deceive his rivals. Just what the doctor ordered!

NS: Oye guruuuu, speed is like weed. It gives you a kick. Why should Vettel slow down? Remember when you go with the flow, you don’t glow when you slow.

RS: Looks like Alonso got stuck in heavy traffic! I just got the feeling that he will take the aerial route. He’s trailing but Alonso is a cool customer with loads of experience. He will soon be dealing in boundaries.

NS: Boundaries! Guruuuu, you mean he will hit the boundary tyrewall?

RS: Not at all Sherry. Boundary means he’d overtake four cars at a time.

NS: Chha gaya guruuu! Webber retired, Pic retired, seems Hulkenberg too retired…It’s reminding me of the cycle stand at Rajendrs Talkies in Patiala – one falls and the whole row collapses!

RS: Sherry, we are talking about F1, not bicycles, ok? concentrate on the race, it’s about to end. I’ll tell Srini Sir to dock half your salary and give it to me instead. And as we talk, Vettel hits DLF maximum! A huge six…th successive win with Alonso nowhere in sight!

NS: Oye guruuuu, maza a gaya. My dear Ravi, Vettel is like the King among men, peacock among hen...

RS: ...and unlike you, sober among insane. Moron. Well, that’s it from Buddh International Circuit. We all saw a high-scoring contest. It was a cracker of a race and fair to say that in the end, cricket was the real winner.

(Pix: AP)

Doosra Annual Awards 2012

It was a night of red carpet, stealth light, stretch limos, bowties, pinstripes and black satin gowns.

In other words, it was Doosra Annual Award Gala Night at an undisclosed location.

Ok, without testing your patience, here are the annual gongs and the winners:

1. Bollywood Balloon D’or: Vidya Balloon Balan.

2. DNA Father of the Nation: N D Tiwary.

3. Olympian of the Year: Madhura Honey. Ok, Nagendra.

4. Nephew of the Year: Suresh Raina’s nephew.

5. Athlete of the Year: Baba Ramdev, for his national record-bettering high-jump at Ramlila Ground.

6. Alternative Beverage Promotion Society’s Man of the Year: Swami Agnivesh for pioneering Swamutra.

7. Driver of the Year: Nitin Gadkari's driver. Special jury award to Abhishek Manu Singhvi's driver.

8. Cliche Oscar: The contest went down to the wire but in the end, Ravi Shastri was the real winner. He received a trace-bullet shaped trophy from beaten finalist Navjot Sidhu.

9. Hearing Aid Manufacturer Association Citation: Arnab Goswami

10. Vowel Promotion Society's Personality of the Year: Tusshar Kapoor for confining his on-screen eloquence to a-e-i-o-u.

11. Wooer of the Year: Virat Kohli. Always armed with two ladki-patanewala ideas.

12. Bollywood Debutante of the Year: Aaradhya Bachchan. She already has as many hits as Esha Deol had in her entire career.

13. Indian Grooms Association's Appreciation Medal: Siddharth Mallya for his seminal work on Ideal Future Wife.

14: Girlfriend Valuer of the Year: Narendra Modi for calling Sunanda Pushkar Shashi Tharoor’s Rs 50 crore girlfriend.

15. Gurgaon Fruit Seller Association's Man of the Year: Robert Vadra for his "mango people in banana republic" post.

(P.S.
Doosra Annual Award 2008
Doosra Annual Award 2009
Doosra Annual Awards 2010)

When Superman met Sehwag!

Superman: Hey man. I heard you are the Superman of Cricket and so came to meet you.

Sehwag: Who are you?

Superman: Strange! You don’t know me? I’m Superman!

Sehwag: No idea what you do but kids know you. Why they call you Superman? Have you scored a 400 in a test?

Superman: I mean....No.

Sehwag: 200 in ODIs?

Superman: Err...No.

Sehwag: So? Have you beaten Navjot Sidhu in a proverb contest? Did you out-cliche Ravi Shastri in presentation ceremony? Do you do more endorsements than Tendulkar?

Superman: Hang on. Well, to start with, I have x-ray vision.

Sehwag: X-ray? Not bad. Why don’t you join our support staff? We need a portable x-ray machine anyway. Someone is getting injured every day.

Superman: Man, it’s not like that. With it, I can see through.

Sehwag: What? What’s wrong with you? Are you a pervert?

Superman: What are you talking, man!

Sehwag: Forget it. What else can you do?

Superman: I save damsels in distress.

Sehwag: Why just damsels? Why not kids and the aged ones? Hero banta hai?

Superman: I mean I help all...

Sehwag: Then why said only damsels? What else you can do?

Superman: I can fly.

Sehwag: Why?

Superman: What do you mean why?

Sehwag: What’s the need to fly? What these aeroplanes are for? Hero banta hai?

Superman: Man, you are just impossible. Well, I’m an American cultural icon and I hope you know what I mean when I say that.

Sehwag: Icon? So what? I’m also an IPL icon player. There are several other players whom Lalit Modi made icon. What’s the big deal?

Superman: I give up. No point arguing with you. Can’t believe someone can be so...good bye.

Sehwag: Good bye. Waise bhaisab, don’t mind but you have worn your undie on the outside. No doubt in a hurry.

Superman: No. I wear it like this! This is my style. It’s when in hurry that I dress like you guys. Bye.

Sehwag: What? Dufferman.

7 ways India can turn the table at Nottingham

1. Turn the batting order upside down. Ishant Sharma should open with Praveen Kumar. Apart from the fact that they can’t do any worse, the mere sight of them walking in to open would give the Andersons and Tremletts a nasty shock. Consider this, even after mowing down India’s top half, England would not rejoice because they haven’t seen the trace of a Tendulkar or Dravid yet!

2. India should avail the existing extradition treaty with England -- or sign one if there is not any -- and force them to immediately send Harbhajan Singh back. They would be reluctant of course but these are the occasions when Manmohan Singh has to assert himself;

3. Sreesanth, Zaheer’s inevitable replacement, should bowl with his left arm to exploit Strauss and Cook’s weakness against left-arm bowlers;

4. Blood Arjun Tendulkar. That’s the only way to field a free-from-pressure Tendulkar. Already a Team India extension, Arjun has not missed many tours, attended more net sessions that Abhinav Mukund and can be India’s secret weapon;

5. Dravid batted and kept wicket at Lord’s with reasonable success. He should be allowed to bowl in Nottingham to complete the gamut in his final UK tour.

6. BCCI should immediately do whatever they do to be enabled to draw players from neighbours Pakistan and Sri Lanka and swiftly introduce a Kolpak-like ruling which allows half the side to be from Australia;

...and if nothing works...

7. Dhoni should stoop, grab it by the leg, lift it and then push with a perfect follow through. Of course there are other schools of thought but this is by far the most popular method of turning the table.

Shahid Afridi’s Secret Diary: I the Captain

They maked me captain again. I was expecting. I actually showed my hand to family astronomer and he spoke I will get it.

I’m joy like nobody’s business and I’m fully confidential that we will defend our title.

We are practicing like nobody’s business. Other day, Salman Butt actually fell subconscious but still practiced! He is so devotee that you can’t question his royalty.

Butt is not him only. All of us wanting to doing something for which posterior would remember us.

Our team in the balance like nobody’s business.

Our batting is good. We have both shit anchors and players who can...what the thing Ravi Shastri keep shouting...yes...players who can up the aunty...god knows why Ravi wants all to up their aunty but it sounds good.

We have to play as a team, not as indivisual. I expect the fool team to be positive and come to each other’s AIDS like nobody’s business. Bowlers have to take precautions and insure they not conceive easy boundaries. Or it can get fetal.

Personally speaking myself, controversies happening all the time like nobody’s business and a captain have to put lid on them.

I give surety to all. I will lid from the front.

A profane post

It's potentially a fatwa-inviting post. A heresy, a sacrilege beyond redemption. But then someone had to say it I guess.

Just too much of saccharine, this Tendulkar20 business.

Deep inside, the Little Master himself must be embarrassed by the mindless hysteria he finds himself in and around him.

His fawning fans in the media have made such a vulgar song and dance of his 20 years in international cricket that I won't be surprised if he comes up with his own version of Karl Marx’s Thank-God-I'm-Not-A-Marxist renouncement.

When someone like Ravi Shastri advocates blanket imprisonment for every Tendulkar critic, you suspect fascism trying to stage a comeback with cricket as its vehicle.

Raj Thackeray can sleep peacefully. Indian cricket is in safe hands.

Elsewhere, the abysmal chumps in the media are foaming at the mouth, trying to convince us how longevity is the lone hallmark of greatness.

You wonder if they have heard about Wilfred Rhodes who had a 31-year-old international career and there are around 14 others as well who lingered for more than 20 years.

A humbug columnist questioned if any other player had hauled a nation from the depth of its sorrow like Tendulkar did by dedicating a century to the Mumbai terror victims.

While a heart-warming gesture it definitely was, the columnist apparently forgot Don Bradman had lifted the entire Australian spirit from the aftermath of the 'Great Depression'.

To be fair to Tendulkar, it's difficult to imagine him appreciating this sick media rush to usurp the milestone and milk some mileage. For, in this avalanche of feel-good interviews and familiar ego-massaging gibberish, objectivity has been sacrificed at the altar of sycophancy.

No sincere effort to gauge why two decades were not enough to silence claims that he did not win enough matches while the likes of Brian Lara won series on their own.

Reams spent on his 175 in Hyderabad against Australia, and rightly so, but not a single honest question on why he played that ugly, irresponsible shot completely unbecoming of a player of his stature.

Or for that matter, what about that steadfast political correctness, the opaqueness of which never allowed us to know actually what goes inside that great mind?

Lest you get me wrong, only fools would doubt Tendulkar's greatness. But the same fools would roam around with a superiority complex when they come across people who refuse to recognize a single grey shade in that pronounced greatness.

If anything, this eulogy deluge has cemented the notion that we are essentially, and probably incorrigibly, a nation of hyperbole and hysteria, which is ready to dump its sense of proportion at the slightest provocation.

Tendulkar once swapped a dear bat for a Mark Knoffler guitar. He has an ear for music. But I'm not sure all that is written and aired about him would come as music to those blushed ears.

(P.S. Read 7 Tendulkar Q & A here.)

Ind vs Eng ODI Live Update from Kanpur

0827: Welcome to WNWSACWR (What Neo Won't Show and Cricinfo Won't Report). Waking up groggy at ungodly hours and making your way through a maze of security is never easy. Some people still retain their zeal-- like Ravi Shastri out there, trying to flirt with the Neo babe, the neonate in cricket broadcasting.

0837: The guy (I mean Guy the Gorrilla) who wanted to sent his mom-in-law to Pakistan is out there. Sir Ian Terence Botham, OBE, just had a brief discussion with Kevin Peter Pietersen, MBE, in the middle. Beefy looks in good shape but you can't say the same about England. I reckon KP was trying to woo him out of retirement. Considering the shellacking Broad & Co received in Indore and Rajkot, it can't get worse.

0844: Talking about in-laws, a certain Sunny Gavaskar was denied entry in the team hotel last night. Sunny's wife hails from Kanpur and he is certainly not the first son-in-law to get such cold treatment from his sasural. Also saw Sunny Sir admiring a new hat but there was time when he was wearing quite a few of them.

0900: Laxmanshivaramkrishnan, Gavaskar and David Lloyd stand together facing the camera. Looks like a fairness cream commercial that improves your complexion in three stages.

0909: Shastri and Rajiv Shukla bridge the gap between their statures and engage in a neck-spraining discussion. One has grown vertically and the other just expanded horizontally. I guess Shukla was seeking an explanation from Shastri on Raj Thackeray's drive against the north Indians.

0915: Surrounded by Shastri, Gavaskar, Botham, Shiva and a few of his former peers, Krish Srikkanth takes a nostalgic tour down memory lane and enthusiastically shadow-practises shots before proceeding to study the pitch, something he was never accused of doing in his playing days.

0929: Men in Blue around me. Actually UPCA had freshly painted the chairs in the press box and the Sun reporter just discovered to his horror that the paint has tainted his cream colour troussers. A colleague of him takes a snap of the tainted bottom and I expect colourful copies in the British press tomorrow. Meanwhile, it leads to a strange spectacle in the press box where guys ask each other to have a look at their bums. They may be fierce professional rivals but you have to appreciate their 'Dostana'.

1141: In the press box, Angus Fraser isn't amused with the paint on his troussers, shaking head in disgust and mumbling the unprintables. He wears specs and the glasses are really thick and powerful. If he wants, he can take one off here and burn a hole in Russell Tiffen's troussers out there in the middle.

1211: Flintoff fell to Yusuf Pathan and another Great Indian Huddle. I was always intrigued what they discuss in the huddle? Should be their unparliamentary emotions which they otherwise can't express in front of the umpires or near the stump microphones.

1239: Bopara back, Samit Patel and Owais Shah waging grim battle and Monty Panesar is being missed. Can we have a true blue English team, please?

1529: India trying to snatch defeat from the jaws of victory. Complacency? Boredom? spiked drink? voodoo? Curse of Punter?

Zaheer, RP, Yuvraj bag inaugural Cricinfo awards

Three Indians, two Sri Lankans and an Australian shared the spoils in the inaugural Cricinfo award that recognizes exploits in all three forms of the game – Test, ODI and Twenty20.

Kumar Sangakkara (Test), Adam Gilchrist (ODI) and Yuvraj Singh (Twenty20) won the batting awards, while bowling honours went to Zaheer Khan (Test), Lasith Malinga (ODI) and RP Singh (Twenty20).

The jury included Geoffrey Boycott, Ian Chappell, Daryll Cullinan, Tony Greig, Michael Holding, David Lloyd, Sanjay Manjrekar, Ramiz Raja and Ravi Shastri.

List of winners

Test batting - Kumar Sangakkara (SL): 192, Australia v Sri Lanka, 2nd Test, Hobart
Test bowling - Zaheer Khan (Ind): 5 for 75, England v India, 2nd Test, Trent Bridge
ODI batting - Adam Gilchrist (Aus): 149, Australia v Sri Lanka, World Cup final, Barbados
ODI bowling - Lasith Malinga (SL): 4 for 54, Sri Lanka v South Africa, World Cup, Guyana
Twenty20 batting - Yuvraj Singh (Ind): 70, India v Australia, World Twenty20 semi-final, Durban
Twenty20 bowling - RP Singh (Ind): 4 for 13, India v South Africa, World Twenty20, Durban

Image

Gary Kirsten the next Team India coach?

Going by reports, Gary Kirsten – the South African southpaw who looked older than his age because of his bald look – could well be the next Team India coach.

Apparently, Kirsten, who runs a coaching academy, flew down to India where he was interviewed by Sunil Gavaskar and Ravi Shastri – two important members of the BCCI coach Selection Committee.

Kirsten also met Sharad Pawar and Anil Kumble.

And yes, BCCI is also in touch with John Buchanan too.

A final decision will be taken on a December 1 meeting in Kolkata, according to BCCI Vice President Rajeev Shukla.

Since Greg Chappell left, India are without a full-time coach. Chandu Borde (UK), Ravi Shastri (Bangladesh) and Lalchand Rajput (Twenty20 World Cup, Australia and Pakistan series) has been roped in as stop-gap managers at different times.

Among those who have applied for the job are Former stumper and Maharashtra coach Chandrakant Pandit, ex-head of the Queensland Academy of Excellence Richard Done, Leicestershire coach Tim Boon, former Australia and South Africa player Kepler Wessels, Queensland coach Terry Oliver, Canterbury coach Dave Nosworthy and ex-New Zealand captain Martin Crowe.

BCCI had a meeting in New Delhi on Monday and I was there for the briefing. BCCI Secretary Niranjan Shah had the following to say no this issue.

Q. How many people have applied for the coach’s job?

Shah: we’ve received some 20-22 applications.

Q. Would you look beyond the list and invite anyone, in case you are not satisfied with the names you have at your disposal?

Shah: No way. We would not invite anyone. The Board is not going to give undue importance to any individual. (Remember, how BCCI ended up with eggs all over its face when they invited Graham Ford and the Kent guy backed out in the eleventh hour?). We would zero in on the applications we have.

Q. The Coach Selection Committee could not meet twice in the past. When are you people going to meet?

Shah: See, it’s not necessary to meet, we can share views via teleconference too. Anyway, be assured, you would get to see a new coach before the Australia tour.)

(P.S. Plz bear with my being irregular at times. I have been covering part of the India-Pakistan series – the ODIs in Kanpur and Jaipur and the Delhi Test. With no more assignments for me, hope to be more consistent in the coming days.)

Dravid deals the final blow to Chappell!

Tension is a good thing within a team, but it needs to be creative, not destructive. John Wright had similar problems at the start but unlike Greg he was prepared to adapt. By the end he [Wright] was more Indian than the Indians...Rahul Dravid told Mike Atherton in Sunday Telegraph.

Life comes full cycle for a certain Gregory Stephen Chappell. Sitting in his Adelaide abode, Chappell probably thought the nightmare of his Team India was behind him. How wrong he was. One episode was yet to be enacted, and it was to come from the most unexpected quarter. Chappell, not even wildest of dreams, could have imagined that of all people, it would be Dravid, his protégé, who would deal the final blow.

Dravid’s comment hints Chappell created a tense dressing room and it had a “destructive” influence on the show. Okay, Wright too had teething problems, but “unlike Greg, he was ready to adapt”. And, Dravid points out, Wright was “more Indian than the Indians”. Now that says a lot and makes interpretation redundant.

One shudders with the thought but had George W Bush opted for cricket coaching, he would have been Greg Chappell, the Team India coach. During Chappell’s stint with Team India, the Aussie ring-master echoed Bush with the message that was both hidden and loud -- you are either with us or you are against us in the fight against Sourav Ganguly. And no prize for guessing which camp Rahul Dravid belonged to.

In fact the likes of Kapil Dev and Ravi Shastri in fact went on to pan a sweetheart like Dravid for taking the backseat and allowing Chappell to call the shots on every major issues.

Chappell has been sent packing, along with his “Commitment to Excellence’ mantra, after he burnt his fingers and all five of them -- the one with which he often thumbed his nose at India’s cricket populace; the assertive index, which he often flashed at the likes of Sehwag, Yuvraj, Zaheer and Harbhajan; the middle which he was notoriously attending to in Eden Gardens.

Make no mistake, Chappell was never short on ideas. But the passion and the attachment was simply not there. He always saw it as yet another deal and his pursuit of success was devoid of any emotional bond. Indian cricket was never a paragon of all cricketing virtues but Chappell’s idea of reform was devoid of love for a country, which is unique in every aspect.

If Wright was successful, it was because he sacrificed a lot. He never allowed his ego to come in the way of team’s interest and did not have a hidden agenda or a personal vendetta. Ganguly owes half his success, if note more, to this self-effacing Kiwi. If Wright succeeded, it was basically because he was a good human being and unfortunately one can’t say the same about Chappell. Dravid’s comments are bound to leave a wound somewhere in his heart, but Chappell probably deserves it.

Image: AFP

Team India’s success mantra: Jadu Ki Jhappi!

(Dhoni womanhandled! Photo courtesy: STAR Ananda)


It was neither the strategist in Ravi Shastri nor the infusion of fresh blood. It took just a “Jaadu Ki Jhappi” to put India back to winning ways. I mean apparently so.

Haseena Nasreen, Shiuli to her friends, waited five long days during Team India’s conditioning camp in Kolkata before she had her man of dream, Mahendra Singh Dhoni, right in front. The teen could not resist giving Dhoni a hug and see what it augured!

Three days later, when most of his teammates came a cropper, Dhoni bailed India out from the morass and led to the win in the first ODI against Bangladesh.

One just wishes that Shiuli’s idea finds takers in other parts of India as well, because the likes of Virender Sehwag and Yuvraj Singh are badly in need of something similar.

When Munnabhai showed on-screen how much difference one “Jadu Ki Jhappi” (Magical Hug) can make, we loved it but did not take him seriously. Now Shiuli proved it works in real life as well.

So, neither a change in guards, nor a wholesale chopping-and-dropping exercise. Neither a performance-linked contract nor a cap on advertisement. All India need is a Free Hug Campaign – like the one below – to revive its fortune.

Gallant losers and timid victors

(Architects of a hard-earned win. AFP Photo)


There ought to be some other means of reckoning quality in this the best and loveliest of games; the scoreboard is an ass -- Neville Cardus.

Since David slew Goliath, and in cricket since India won the 1983 World Cup, we sided with the underdogs. And today’s India-Bangladesh match was another occasion when you felt more for the gallant losers, than their timid victors.

The victory margin of five-wicket win could not have been more misleading. It hid as much, if not more, as it revealed.

Did it say how master strategist Dav Whatmore, before changing camp, outwitted a shrewd Ravi Shastri? Or did it say about Tamim’s youthful arrogance, Saqibul’s nonchalance, Omar’s grit and Ashraful’s blooming personality.

Nor did it say how Mahendra Singh Dhoni braved cramps and limped on and on but stayed there till his side was through. Similarly, Dinesh Kaarthick was worth far more than his 58 runs. There was a time when India had to place Dravid behind the stumps to accommodate an extra bat/bowler. And here you have two wicketkeepers in the side, both capable of walking into the squad purely as a batsman.

But take Dhoni and Karthick away, India cut a sorry figure in the match. After losing the top half of their batting order for 144, it seemed another upset win was on the cards. Dhoni and Kaarthick, however, had other ideas and they carried out the bail-out act with aplomb.

The win notwithstanding, Team India has more questions than answers now. Why is it so that the more it craves for change, the same it remains?

PCB sounds out John Wright for coach’s job

Both India and Pakistan had their share of ignominy in the World Cup. But while BCCI decided to go with the flow, its Pakistani counterpart has clearly stole the march with a slew of measures with an eye on the future.

Trust the politically correct BCCI to strike a balance between the star system it maintains and the popular demands. Their quick-fix solution to World Cup disaster was convincing Ravi Shastri to be the makeshift manager, tagging along Venkatesh Prasad (bowling coach) and Robin Singh (fielding coach).

In contrast, Pakistan has appointed the underrated Shoaib Malik as the ODI captain, put a paid selection committee in place and now is in talks with John Wright for the coach’s job.

PCB is impressed with Wright’s excellent record with Team India and Wright is not apparently averse to return to the sub-continent.

"Wright's response was good. The board is also looking at another foreigner, Tim Boon, coach of Leicestershire, as a possible candidate," one PCB source said.

Aaqib Javed, meanwhile, remains the front-runner if PCB goes for a Pakistani for the job.

BCCI likely to ease endorsement strangulation

We surely have not seen the last of the endorsement row. After Rahul Dravid made a plea on his teammates’ behalf for a healthy dialogue with the board, BCCI responded by saying it’s ready to consider any "fair representation" by the cricketers on the twin contentious issues of contracts and endorsements.

BCCI secretary Niranjan Shah said the board enjoys a healthy relation with the players and "Any fair representation by the players can always be considered by the BCCI."

This would surely encourage the cricketers who were hit where it hurts most after their World Cup debacle.

Earlier, Dravid issued a media release claiming “there is no conflict between the players’ and the BCCI” even on the “irksome issues” of endorsement and contract.

Following is Dravid’s e-mail to the media:

A number of journalists have been calling me to seek the players’ point of view on the contracts and player endorsements. So far we have got all our information from the media only. It is not correct to project this whole issue as a conflict of commercial interests of the players and the BCCI. Let me clarify that there is no conflict between the players’ and the BCCI. The interests of the players’ and the BCCI are inclusive and not exclusive. The BCCI has always been very caring and considerate about the players’ interests and I am sure that the BCCI would discuss the issue with the players at a suitable time. When this opportunity arises then we shall jointly examine the areas of concern and bother and crease out the irksome issues and work out a package that can take care of the collective interests and concerns of the BCCI and the players. I have spoken to Ravi Shastri and a number of the players and they all feel that with a healthy dialogue with the board which there always has been all issues can be sorted out. Meanwhile I would request the media and the fans to please show some restraint .We have had a disappointing World Cup and it is important that we all work together as the various stake holders in the game to help improve and take our cricket forward.

Thanks,

Rahul Dravid

Ravi Shastri team India's interim coach?

With BCCI taking its sweet time before coming out with its decisions –a press conference is scheduled in Mumbai tomorrow – speculation was rife with a number of questions doing the rounds:

1. What happens to Greg Chappell?
2. If he’s removed, who steps into Chappell’s Chappals (that’s slipper in Hindi)?
3. Can Rahul Dravid retain captaincy?

And the likely answers are:

1. BCCI gets rid of Chappell and employs him! Simplified, it means he vacates Team India coach’s job and instead would function as Consultant at the National Cricket Academy (NCA), Bangalore.
2. Ravi Shastri is all set to step forward as India’s interim coach till next month’s Bangladesh tour, provided he gets the green signal from ESPN-STAR.
3. Dravid retains captaincy but would be interesting to see him lead a bunch of seniors who see him as Chappell’s Man Friday.

So, keep your fingers crossed for a few more hours and trust BCCI to surprise you again.