15 Predictions

1. Stephen Hawking will clamber out of that wheelchair and sheepishly apologise for playing the longest practical joke on us;

2. Osama bin Laden will be found alive somewhere along the Sudan-Uganda border, clean shaven and married happily to a Bantu widow with 12 sons from her previous three marriages;

3. Fashion will go out of fashion;

4. Once done with her adoption spree, Angelina Jolie will stage hunger strike in front of the UN headquarters demanding separate nationhood for her kids;

5. Leonardo DiCaprio will name her son Oscar, realising it’s the only way he can have one;

6. Football will be banned after the supporters of Lionel Messi and Cristiano Ronaldo fight World War III over who is the better player;

7. With nothing left to win in women’s tennis, Serena Williams will play men’s event but would go down to Novak Djokovic in five sets in Wimbledon final;

8. Doctors will reveal Bappi Lahiri’s sunglasses have developed veins and is now only surgically removable;

9. Next UN secretary-general would be a stand-up comedian;

10. Leander Paes will win the 2040 Wimbledon mixed doubles final partnering one of Roger Federer’s twin daughters;

11. One of the south Asian nations will declare Angry Bird as their national bird;

12. Pluto will be reinstated as a planet under ST/SC/OBC/minority/sports quota;

13. India TV will broadcast an exclusive one-on-one with Ajmal Kasab via planchette in which he would deny being served Biryani in Indian jail. Kasab will call it "media propaganda" and vow to break the necks of all misleading journalists, prompting the interviewer to flee studio and the channel to abruptly replace the show with a programme about a ghost which is lactose intolerant;

14. Indian channels will break the exclusive news of Aradhya Bachchan signing her first film against Rajnikant;

15. Kangana Ranaut would reveal she is a cyborg;

Wimbledonitis strikes Indian cricket

Indian cricket's worst-kept secret is out, and remember you read it here first.

Some of the biggest names in Indian cricket have recently been diagnosed with what medics are calling Wimbledonitis -- an irrepressible urge to be at the Wimbledon, especially for the men's competition.

"Wimbledon has become his personal Vaishno Devi," said a family member of one of those cricketers, requesting anonymity.

"It's to him is what Cannes is to Sonam Kapoor. Come July and he wakes up, as if in a trance, takes a shower, puts on his best suit, dangles a tie from his neck and leaves for airport without uttering a word where he is going," she said.

"After a day or two, just when we're on the verge of contacting police, he resurfaces at Wimbledon's Centre Court. We used to panic a lot, but now getting used to it."

BCCI has appointed a leading psychiatrist to look into the case but the mystery rages on.

"I don't want to sound an alarmist but the ailment is spreading like a rumour of salacious nature in a gossip-starved neighbourhood," said Dr Mannjeet Mann, shaking head in disappointment.

"I'm yet to go to the bottom of this but it looks like a Curse of the White and most vulnerable are the recently retired ones.

"Wimbledon's predominantly white dress casts a natural spell on the psyche of the test players. That explains the strong pull they succumb to.

"It's an attraction as strong as the one Odysseus felt passing through the colony of the Sirens who lured sailors with their enchanting music."

Economists have also waded into the topic.

"It's very simple. Considering the food inflation here, it's actually cheaper to fly to London and eat strawberry-and-cream there than buy those here," said one of them.

According to a conspiracy theorist, Wimbledon was merely a ruse.

"The cricketers used it to fly to England and eat Maggi there. Remember, UK's Food Standards Agency has announced it safe," he said.

Dr Mann insisted it would be silly to underestimate the epidemic.

"This year we have had three of them -- Sachin Tendulkar, Sourav Ganguly and Virat Kohli at the Royal Box.

"And we have definitive proof now, of how it affects your intellectual faculties. A day after this, Tendulkar found himself lost in an Oxfordshire village and sent frantic SOS to get him out of there.

"It all probably started long back. Remember, tennis elbow didn't exist in India before he developed one."

Cricket's Alternative Food Movement

Was it only my TV set that showed Djokovic sinking to his knees, plucking a few blades of grass and putting it in mouth after taming Nadal at Wimbledon?

It seemed an honest, pioneering effort by a tennis player of no uncertain scientific bend of mind to find out the edibility of grass and see if it can be the answer to the global food crisis.

Taking a cue from Djokovic, Doosra prepares a list of cricket’s own bizarre biters, eerie eaters, champion chewers and leading lickers:

1. Shahid Afridi: A ball-biter par excellence;

2. Mohd Asif: Single largest importer of poppy seeds;

3. Sourav Ganguly: Human Nail-Clipper. Mad enough, at his pomp, to chew nails and spit rivets;

4. Ewen Chatfield: A unique swallower of his own tongue;

5. Lalit Modi: A reckless biter but limited chewer;

6. Harbhajan Singh: Premium finger-licker;

7. ICC: A steady eater, out of BCCI’s hands.

P.S. Would be unfair to put up the shutters without a word about Kamran Akmal, held as the most promising of all. Even jealous teammates admit he’s so endowed that Akmal can start a bat-manufacturing business rightway without buying a chainsaw.

Exclusive: Tendulkar is broke!

The Pranab Mukherjees and the Montek Singh Ahluwalias would look pretty silly now.

Exposing the hollowness of their GDP growth mumbo-jumbos, another Indian has just slipped under the Below Poverty Line (BPL).

Is it a Dicky Bird? Is it a plane, carrying homesick Lalit Modi? No, it’s Sachin Tendulkar!

Well, hear it here first.

Tendulkar, whose annual income was the closest statisticians got to infinity, is dead broke!

First he sells off his red Ferrari 360 Modena and then he applies for home loan to buy a 1 BHK flat outside Mumbai!

The twin developments merit close analysis and I want you follow me here closely.

Why did Tendulkar sell off his Ferrari, presented by no less than a Michael Schumacher?

Was it his legendary anticipation that warned him of the fuel price hike that was barely 48 hours away?

Was it the political analyst in him that closely monitored the West Bengal election and realised red was fast going out of vogue?

Can it be possible that he had a tiff with Schumacher – suppose Schumi calls him and mistakes his sing-song voice for that of a maid -- and a mighty annoyed Tendulkar did not want to keep any memory of him?

Or was it because he felt let down by Ferrari who did not resist DRS in F1? So what if this DRS stands for Drag Resistance System and not Decision Review System? After all, once you accept the initials, you are not far from accepting the whole thing!

Well, Doosra risked life and limbs to unearth the truth and here’s how the Little Master turned pauper almost overnight.

Tendulkar earned the stuff by sackfuls but didn't trust banks -- including the one he endorses -- and used to stash all his money in the cellar.

And he got the shock of his life when he found termites had eaten up all the notes!

And the rest, as they say, is his story.

P.S. Sources tell us the sole purpose of Tendulkar’s Wimbledon visit was to try and borrow some money from Roger Federer.

7 Reasons Why Tennis Is a Better Sport Than Cricket!

1. Tennis players don't crib about pitches despite made to play on all kind of surfaces;

2. They don't look like offspring of a Michelin Man and a mummy;

3. Women players get equal – in fact more -- attention;

4. Umpires at least get a chair to seat on, are not treated as cloth-hangers and don't have to do funny things with their hands to earn their bread;

5. Players refrain from unhygenic practices, such as applying saliva to the ball;

6. There is no recognised skullduggery called Duckworth-Lewis system to determine the outcome of rain-hit matches;

7. Lalit Modi has no role in it.

(P.S. It's the sight of Maria Sharapova in yellow treading on French Open’s red clay that provoked this post which can alternatively be called Why Tendulkar Attends Wimbledon but Federer Does Not Care About IPL).