Doosra Annual Awards 2018 (UNESCO certified)

That time of the year again.

Here goes Doosra Annual Awards 2018.

And remember, UNESCO has recognised it as the best set of awards!

Begana Wedding of the Year that had entire India Subcontinent Deewana ~ Virushka.

Kneeanderthal of the Year ~ Priyanka Chopra, for outraging a Sanskari nation by wearing a knee-length dress to a meeting with the PM.

Thesaurus Sale Booster of the Year ~ Shashi Tharoor, for his exasperating farrago of rodomontade and much more.

Best Kept Secret of the Year ~ Location of Virushka Wedding.

Worst Kept Secret of the Year ~ Rahul Gandhi's promotion.

The Annual Celeb-Kid-Shoved-Down-Our-Throat ~ Taimur Ali Khan.

Human Sriharikota of the Year ~ Salman Khan, who is launching his brother-in-law in Bollywood.

Neptune of Nepotism of the Year ~ Karan Johar, for launching yet another pair of Bollywood star kids -- Janhvi Kapoor and Ishan Khattar.

Disowned Loose Cannon of the Year ~ Mani Shankar Aiyyar.

Dogman Of the Year ~ Gurmeet Ram Rahim.

Ideal Neighbour of the Year ~ Sri Lanka, for continuing with their India tour even after their cricketers choked in toxic Delhi air and vomited their inside out.

Most Anticipated and Pending Return of the Year ~ A three-way tie featuring Black money from Swiss banks, Vijay Mallya and Lalit Modi.

Titanic Of the Year ~ RBI as its reputation hit the demonetisation iceberg and sank without trace.

Harry Houdini of the YearStudent of the Year ~ Virat Kohli, for successfully dumping 'headmaster' Anil Kumble.

Vincent Maruti Van Gogh of the Year ~ Mamata di, for her paintings like this.

Fickle Friend of the Year ~ Nitish Kumar, for dumping RJD.

Lord Hanuman of the 22 Yards ~ Rohit Sharma, for torching Lanka here and here.

Worst Investors of the Year - 'Padmavati' producers.

A page from Rajinikanth's diary

0615: Woke up the Sun, full three nanoseconds late. Threatened to fire it and replace it with a giant LED. It offered Rajininamaskar though.

0620: Fed eucalyptus leaves to Corny and let it roam in my garden before sending it back to the basement park. Imagine the mayhem if someone sees my pet unicorn.

0645: Went for a walk, the air is so toxic. Breathed in filter mode, knitting my nasal hairs into a thin screen which allows only oxygen in. Sneezed out lumps of crystalised argon. How do ordinary people even breathe?

0715: Had good sparring with Yetim. Five years ago, I absentmindedly climbed Mt Everest and found the orphan Yeti there. Only Anil Kapoor has more hair per inch.

1000: Missed the 9 a.m. pill, so had to time-travel. Memory playing tricks. The other day could not recall the entry on page 456 of Encyclopaedia Britannica Volume 33.

1300: Completed morning shooting. Director was yet to script the climax. I told him to shoot my cigarette stunt and take it backwards from there.

1400: Took a nap. A beautiful dream saw me.

1500: Swallowed some sun-rays. I absolutely mean it when I say light snacks.

1600: Called a press conference and made emphatically ambiguous comments about joining politics. Great fun, watching media, especially those in Delhi, run like a headless chicken.

1700: Signed film against Aaradhya Bachchan. Also tweeted my resolve to fight nepotism in showbiz.

1800: A cat startled me. Activated ultrasonic hearing. Earth positively creaked. Need to check the axis tomorrow.

1900: Spielberg called to offer a Hollywood film. I offered him a Tamil film instead. He’ll get back.

2000: Latha’s birthday, so ordered a personal full moon. Also spared her the kitchen chores. Vegetables cooked themselves.

2100: Had a bout of hiccups. Sheep worldwide counting me to get some sleep. Poor animals. Good night.

10 More Books Unlikely To Be Written In India

Exclusive Interview of Rohit Sharma's Talent (RST)

Doosra: Hi, you there?
RST: What do you mean you there?

Doosra: Odd. I can hear you but I can't see. The chair is empty. Are you real? I mean, do you really exist?
RST: what do you mean? You don't really suggest Rohit Sharma's talent is non-existent, do you?

Doosra: Well, it's very disconcerting. I feel like Annu Kapoor entertaining an invisible Anil Kapoor in "Mr India". If you exist, why can't I see you?
RST: You don't see Bappi Lahiri's eyes either, but that doesn't mean he doesn't possess any. Look through the prism of devotion, and you'd see me, you obnoxious non-believer.

Doosra: Are you a myth or reality? Does Rohit really have any talent?
RST: Loads of it, more than he knows what to do with it. Trust me, the guy is stuffed to the gills with talent. Look how obese I am!

Doosra: I still can't see you...
RST: That's because you are a cynic moron. Yesterday he cut his finger and you know what he bled? Talent. He is full of it, he's oozing it all the time through his pores. In fact, he has surplus talent. At times he has to spit it, vomit it and even defecate it. Or he'd explode.

Doosra: What rubbish.
RST: On the contrary, if ICC is really serious about improving cricket's standard in associate nations, they should sprinkle Rohit's bathwater on the cricketers from those countries.

Doosra: Outrageous. I find it difficult to accept. Talent was Wasim Akram, who could bowl six different deliveries in an over.
RST: Wasim was a kid and must be thanking his stars that his career didn't coincide with Rohit's. Rohit can squeeze in a boundary even in a three-run knock. He can edge even when shadow-practising. And he can outsmart any bowler by offering multiple dismissal options in each delivery.

Doosra: If he is indeed so talented, why can't he score consistently?
RST: I'll pardon you for being such a chump. All talents, by nature, are like that. If Leonardo da Vince had to churn out a masterpiece every day, he'd have probably come up with Mona Singh and not Mona Lisa. Same with Rohit - masterclass or mastercrap. Nothing in between.

Doosra: Records don't really back that. Apart from the two 200-plus ODI scores, both at home, there's pretty much no real masterclass to justify his billing as the best thing to come out of Mumbai since Sachin Tendulkar.
RST: That's a wrong way to put it.

Doosra: I'm glad you agree.
RST: No, I meant the truth is Tendulkar is the best thing to come out of Mumbai before Rohit happened. I'm afraid, world cricket will always be divided into pre-Rohit and post-Rohit eras.

Doosra: Whatever. I think the trick is to combine talent with hard work. Lara was gifted, but Sachin worked harder and see where they ended up.
RST: Utter rubbish. See, Rohit can't work hard, it would be suicidal for him.

Doosra: And how?
RST: Let me explain. See, every player is like a container, and Rohit is full to the brim with talent. Now to accommodate hard work, you have to tilt the container and drain some of the talent. Now who in his right mind would waste talent like that? Where is the sense in it?

Doosra: It's ridiculous.
Talent: I agree, he's outrageously talented.

Doosra: You mean he won't improve ever?
RST: Don't be silly, where is the room?
Doosra: Guess, we have to live with it. Anyway, nice talking to you. See you...ok, forget it.

9 Facts About Retiring Kumar Sangakkara

1. He studied law and is a champion sledger but never called anyone Habeus Corpus or Quo Warranto, or even Certiorari;

2. In his teen, he was known as Kishor Kumar or the Young Kumar;

3. Contrary to perceptions, he has no kids with Mahela Jayawardene;

4. His brilliant 2011 MCC speech made so much sense that MCC had to rent a warehouse to store them;

5. In a 2000 survey, 67% Sri Lankans said they needed Sangakkara as much as they needed O2. Rest said they don’t need O2;

6. The only genuine blot in his otherwise stellar career is his failure to convince Lasith Malinga to shun ghastly hairdos;

7. He dropped wicketkeeping not because of increased workload but because he felt he was being too greedy – already a top batsman and trying to become the top stumper as well;

8. The Battle in Lanka would not have occurred at all had he been around. Sangakkara would have convinced Ravan that wife-stealing amounted to serious breach of the ICC Code of Conduct and that he should not expect any favour from Ranjan Madugalle;

9. In 2000, as a neighbourly gesture, Colombo offered India to pick one Sri Lankan to represent them. New Delhi originally wanted Sangakkara but a clerical mistake in the External Affairs Ministry left India with Jacqueline Fernandez instead.

(Pix:VHIZZ)

15 Predictions

1. Stephen Hawking will clamber out of that wheelchair and sheepishly apologise for playing the longest practical joke on us;

2. Osama bin Laden will be found alive somewhere along the Sudan-Uganda border, clean shaven and married happily to a Bantu widow with 12 sons from her previous three marriages;

3. Fashion will go out of fashion;

4. Once done with her adoption spree, Angelina Jolie will stage hunger strike in front of the UN headquarters demanding separate nationhood for her kids;

5. Leonardo DiCaprio will name her son Oscar, realising it’s the only way he can have one;

6. Football will be banned after the supporters of Lionel Messi and Cristiano Ronaldo fight World War III over who is the better player;

7. With nothing left to win in women’s tennis, Serena Williams will play men’s event but would go down to Novak Djokovic in five sets in Wimbledon final;

8. Doctors will reveal Bappi Lahiri’s sunglasses have developed veins and is now only surgically removable;

9. Next UN secretary-general would be a stand-up comedian;

10. Leander Paes will win the 2040 Wimbledon mixed doubles final partnering one of Roger Federer’s twin daughters;

11. One of the south Asian nations will declare Angry Bird as their national bird;

12. Pluto will be reinstated as a planet under ST/SC/OBC/minority/sports quota;

13. India TV will broadcast an exclusive one-on-one with Ajmal Kasab via planchette in which he would deny being served Biryani in Indian jail. Kasab will call it "media propaganda" and vow to break the necks of all misleading journalists, prompting the interviewer to flee studio and the channel to abruptly replace the show with a programme about a ghost which is lactose intolerant;

14. Indian channels will break the exclusive news of Aradhya Bachchan signing her first film against Rajnikant;

15. Kangana Ranaut would reveal she is a cyborg;

Wimbledonitis strikes Indian cricket

Indian cricket's worst-kept secret is out, and remember you read it here first.

Some of the biggest names in Indian cricket have recently been diagnosed with what medics are calling Wimbledonitis -- an irrepressible urge to be at the Wimbledon, especially for the men's competition.

"Wimbledon has become his personal Vaishno Devi," said a family member of one of those cricketers, requesting anonymity.

"It's to him is what Cannes is to Sonam Kapoor. Come July and he wakes up, as if in a trance, takes a shower, puts on his best suit, dangles a tie from his neck and leaves for airport without uttering a word where he is going," she said.

"After a day or two, just when we're on the verge of contacting police, he resurfaces at Wimbledon's Centre Court. We used to panic a lot, but now getting used to it."

BCCI has appointed a leading psychiatrist to look into the case but the mystery rages on.

"I don't want to sound an alarmist but the ailment is spreading like a rumour of salacious nature in a gossip-starved neighbourhood," said Dr Mannjeet Mann, shaking head in disappointment.

"I'm yet to go to the bottom of this but it looks like a Curse of the White and most vulnerable are the recently retired ones.

"Wimbledon's predominantly white dress casts a natural spell on the psyche of the test players. That explains the strong pull they succumb to.

"It's an attraction as strong as the one Odysseus felt passing through the colony of the Sirens who lured sailors with their enchanting music."

Economists have also waded into the topic.

"It's very simple. Considering the food inflation here, it's actually cheaper to fly to London and eat strawberry-and-cream there than buy those here," said one of them.

According to a conspiracy theorist, Wimbledon was merely a ruse.

"The cricketers used it to fly to England and eat Maggi there. Remember, UK's Food Standards Agency has announced it safe," he said.

Dr Mann insisted it would be silly to underestimate the epidemic.

"This year we have had three of them -- Sachin Tendulkar, Sourav Ganguly and Virat Kohli at the Royal Box.

"And we have definitive proof now, of how it affects your intellectual faculties. A day after this, Tendulkar found himself lost in an Oxfordshire village and sent frantic SOS to get him out of there.

"It all probably started long back. Remember, tennis elbow didn't exist in India before he developed one."

Why can't we have honest bios like these?

Our strive for transparency should not end in celeb wear. An honest world is a lot more fun place.

Take the citations that go with all government awards. They simply lack soul and sound funereal. Insert some interesting tidbits about the winners and see how honest and fascinating it reads.

Image Bharat Ratna citations reading like this:

Shanthajit Sreechandila, Cricketer

* Rejected six match-fixing offers in a spotless career – either lacking the courage or the offers were not good enough.

* Cried twice on camera when asked about dark past. Would have been tried for tax evasion in any civilized country but used his connections to get away with it.

* Team mates fondly remember him as the stingiest person they shared dressing room with.

* Opponents remember him as a champion sledger with a penchant to involve female family members of his rivals.

* Often found digging nose at the presentation ceremony.

SureshRaja JayaKaruna Prasad, Politician

* In the 1716 rallies he addressed, had 17 chappals hurled at him, was slapped seven times and twice attacked with ink – least among his compatriots.

* Was found sitting through the national anthem on 11 occasions.

* A steady supplier of workforce to the government, he accommodated 136 of his family members in various departments.

* Introduced five different women as his wife at different points of time.

* Used political connections 201 times to get relatives out of jail.

* Set up Hai-Huku Commerce University of Science and Arts to match the institute he had forged his Master’s degree from. Seven of his rival candidates remain missing for over a decade.

RajKaran Verma, Bollywood Director

* More than 50% of his films didn’t attract plagiarism charges, a rarity in the industry.

* Maker of mostly women-centric films with the recurring theme of under-textiled females gyrating in rain under the Duckworth-Lewis method.

* A Bollywood pioneer who rendered plots redundant.

* Got three national awards, using either bribe or threats.

* Have steadfastly refused to be funded by anyone outside underworld. Often takes the underworld’s help to negotiate fees of his actors.

Lost And Found In Translation: Ui Ma Ui Ma Mar Gayi Re

"Mamma miya, this must be the end
My consent was inadvertent
Your eyes, your words
I blanched, my love, I was so frightened."

"Mamma mia -- this song and dance
Why did you love me in the first instance?"
"You are naughty, oh my boy
I'm feeling rather coy
You said, I did, didn't I?
And all limits we did transcend."

"You’re a love-fraud, I ain't kidding
It’s far from love, it’s plain cheating”
“Hand-on-heart, didn’t you consent
One day you’d make me content?
When time's here to deliver
Now you backtrack! Excellent!”

Mamma miya, this must be the end
Yes-no, and then no consent
My eyes, my words...
My love you got so frightened!"


Original:
Ui ma ui ma mar gayi re
Anjane me haan kar gayi re
Teri ankho se teri baton se
Sajan mai kitna darr gayi re

Ui ma uima karna tha
To pyar na mujhse karna tha
Shaitan bana tu aj piya
Mujhko ati hai laj piya
Jo tune kaha woh maine kiya
Ab hadd se baat gujar gayi re.

Tu ashiq number do ka hai
Yeh pyar nahi hai dhoka hain
Tu kehti thi dil bhar dungi
Ekdin tujhko khush kar dungi
Jab wade ka din aya to
Wade se saaf mukar gayi re.

Ui ma ui ma kar gayi re
Haan kar ke toh nah kar gayi re
Meri ankho se meri bato se
Sajni tu kitna darr gayi re

Lost And Found In Translation: Angna Me Baba Duare Pe Ma

Translation:

"Dad's manning courtyard, and mom too guarding
How can I, oh beloved, at this hour drop in?"

"Dad's gone to field silly, mom's gone shopping
I'm alone at home, goddamn, just drop in."

"Suppose I drop in, what about food?"
"Will cook halwa and puri to boot,
"Out of my soft hand, you don't mind eating?"

"Halwa, puri make me drowsy, I may need siesta
"Don't sweat over that, I'll spread dupatta...
Have a lie-down and you'd feel topping...

"What if mom barges in, she'd eat me raw (3)
"I'll tell her ‘say hi to your son-in-law’
To ask for my hand, bugger, just drop in."

Original:

Angna mein baba duaare pe ma
Kaise aaye gori ham tohre ghar ma

Angna mein baba duaare pe ma
Kaise aaye gori ham tohre ghar ma

Khet gaye baba bazaar gayi maa
Akeli hu ghar maa tu aa ja balma

Ghar maan jo aaibe to hamein ka khilaibe
Garam garam halva aur poori pakaibe
Naram naram haathon se kha jaa baalma

Halwa poori khaive to nindiya sataibe
Sjiya mein tohare liye aanchal bichhaibe
Siiya ki kismat jaga ja balma

Kya hoga bazaar se maa jo aayi
Keh doongi maa ye hai tera jamaai
Haath mera maangne ko aa jaa baalma

(P.S. The new ‘Lost And Found In Translation’ series is an attempt to shame the committee which awards Nobel in literature until they shed their baffling snobbery and give the Bollywood devil his is due)

Decoding Budget 2015

Chuck the economics mumbo-jumbo. In a nutshell, some stuff have just got more expensive and some cheaper. Ignore the economic gobbledygook and read on as Doosra explains the ramifications of the change in prices of certain stuff.

CHEAPER:
1. Agarbattis: A massive boost for Bollywood. How? Well, more producers can now burn them in front of their late parent’s B/W portrait and shoot the scene to be shown before opening credits;

2. Ambulance Service: Smart move, aimed at encouraging citizens to fall ill, which would in turn boost, among other, pharma sector and the death care industry;

3. Visiting zoos/national park: Disastrous step. More nutcases will now jump into tiger cages and become instant snacks;

4. Leather footwear priced above Rs 1000: Welcome move, especially for girls. Most sub-1000 footwears don’t last a five-minute thrashing of one of those male scoundrels that roam the world.

5. Pacemakers: Wise step. Those who have it ran 24x7 the risk of getting mugged at gun point. Making it cheaper means it’s no more lucrative in black market.


COSTLIER:
1. Cigarettes: A fundamentally-flawed move to curb cancer. People won’t stop smoking if you make cigarette costlier, something every budget has been doing. If you are really serious about curbing smoking, make cigarette so cheap that nobody would smoke it fearing they’d look downmarket. People buy iPhone because it roughly costs whatever a Chinese teenager’s kidney fetches from open market. Make it cheap and people won’t touch it with a 10-foot pole.

2. Eating out: Perfect move. For long, gastrointestinal diseases were so cheap that any Tom, Dick and Harry could dine out and get it. This move

3. Plastic bags: As Ravi Shastri would say: Just what the doctor ordered. It would force the stingy Bollywood actors to pay more for the stuff they collect and melt to cover up bodily flaws.

4. Cement. A masterstroke to rein in Jaitley’s BCCI colleague N Srinivasan. The more expensive it is, the fewer buyer. This would undermine India Cements chief Srinivasan’s affluence and clout in cricket world;

5. Liquor & Chit fund: A harsh move which effectively means if you’ve lost money in chit fund, you can’t even drown that sorrow in alcohol.

(Pix: Bloomberg)

Reaction to Dhoni's test retirement

1. I told you Indians are not large-hearted enough. He quit only tests and not other formats. I have retired so many times, he's done it just once. Long way to go beta. ~ Shahid Afridi.

2. Oye yaar, like languor drives a langur to a langar, like a bee goes to sea to pee, like a monkey with a junkie looking funky, like a vulture scratching ulcer in our culture... ~ Navjot Sidhu.

3. Retirement is a state of the mind and in that state election also, we lost to BJP ~ Rahul Gandhi.

4. We have to consider the socio-political context. Is retirement ka "Raaz" kya hai? "Arth" kya hain iska? Cricket uski "Jism" me har roz "Zakhm" paida kar raha tha. Yeh ek "Rog" ban kar "Zeher" ki tarah fail gaya tha. He had to quit test!. Khud ko "Murder" karta kya? But what I liked about the chap is that he started from the scratch and was always itching to succeed ~ Mahesh Bhatt.

5. I can understand test cricket was keeping him away from family. Hope he can now spend more quality time with wife, Sakshi Tanwar ~ Alia Bhatt.

6. Ekbar usne commitment kar diya to woh khud ki bhi nahi sunega. I guess he got a "Kick" out of quitting midway through the series. Yeh decision dil me aata hain, dimaag me nahi. ~ Salman Khan

7. He's just a retirement enthusiast. I think it was his astrologer's advice to retire midway through the series as Rahu was catching a nap while his girlfriend kept Ketu distracted. ~ Srinivasan.

10 Bollywood Facts I Bet You Didn’t Know

1. Aamir Khan's ears are aerodynamically designed, at an angle to help him slow down when on motion. Just like an aircraft while landing.

2. Income Tax guys once raided Akshay Kumar for disproportionate asset in the form of gum;

3. Anil Kapoor has severe vitamin D deficiency as sunlight can't penetrate his body hair and reach skin;

4. Hrithik Roshan's right hand has a nickname- "Pincode", for it has six digits.

5. Imran Khan uses complex geometrical instruments to get his hairline;

6. No domestic help has ever stolen any cutlery from Kamal Haasan's kitchen. They were never sure if the fork lying invitingly was not Kamal Haasan himself in make-up;

7. Aradhya Bachchan is likely to make her acting debut in a Tamil film against her grandfather Amitabh Bachchan's good friend Rajinikanth;

8. It's gross exaggeration to say Anushka Sharma is so thin that she can pass through the eye of a needle. Her hair tied in a ban, she gets stuck.

9. Shakti Kapoor is an ardent Nabokov fan. #Lolita

10. Shammi Kabab was originally called Prithviraj Kapoor. #ShammiKaBaap

The Doosra Diwali Gift Survey

Social scientists fear it would be incredibly difficult to survive without Google but agree it would be absolutely impossible to survive without domestic helps.

Let’s face it. It’s not the politicians, scientists, IT guys or Rajinikanth but the domestic helps who keep the world going.

The theory may not apply to the West but it has not yet been established beyond satisfaction that West is part of the world. Many Indian tourists in fact exclaim it’s out-of-the-world.

And nothing influences the decision of a domestic help whether to continue her current job or look for a greener pasture than the Diwali gift from her employer, often the female family head, with whom she shares a relation involving diplomatic skullduggery of the highest order.

Indian male family members – universally recognised as easily the selfish, incorrigibly the lazy and absolutely the redundant unit of any household – have no clue about the existential significance of the day after Diwali when the crackers have fizzled out like a Ram Gopal Verma movie at the Box Office and the earthen Diyas resemble one of those once oil-rich nations sucked, democratically, bone-dry by the US.

Doosra conducted a nationwide family survey and came up with some startling facts:

1. 67% male family members said they were not consulted while determining the Diwali gift for the domestic help;

2. 20% male family members said they may have been consulted but don’t exactly recall as the discussion coincided with some football/cricket/tennis/sepak takraw/ muay thai/kalaripayattu thing on TV;;

3. 7% male family members said they were consulted but their Diwali gift suggestion was summarily rejected;

4. 6% male family members refused to comment;

5. Of the domestic helps who reported for duty the day after, 89% sported a sullen look on their face and steadfastly refused to share any neighborhood gossip;

6. Of the domestic helps who did not report for duty, 76% confirmed they were one round of cajoling away from joining back;

7. 76% of the domestic helps who did not join duty, did not take call from their employees, spreading widespread panic and consternation at their workplace;

8. 23% female family heads successfully got rid of old cutlery sets gathering dust in an obscure corner of their cupboard;

9. 79% male members of families hit by domestic help’s absence called their bosom friends to cancel evening gathering citing hostile atmosphere at home;

10. 86% of kids in family’s hit by domestic help’s absence reported above-average scolding and significant rise in slapping, pinching and other popular forms of disciplining a child;

11. 97% apartments witnessed gathering of domestic helps, featuring comparative study of each other’s gifts and assessment of their employer’s character with generous sprinkling of unparliamentary words and phrases.

Why This Year’s Nobel Peace Prize Sucks

First a confession. Still in the clutch of a post-lunch siesta, initially I read this year’s Nobel Peace prize has gone to Kailash Kher and Malaika Arora which seemed to me a fair even if somewhat a left-field choice.

After all, Kher, even at the height of his fame, looks a perfectly humble and peaceful guy even though history tells us most of civilisation’s worst tyrants, such as Attila the Hun, Hitler and Don Bradman, have been people who traded vertical growth for career growth leaving (runs and) ruins in their wake.

Malaika was not an unnatural choice either, having done her bit in maintaining peace in
a Mumbai household which tops the muscle-per-family-member table but is not exactly known for emotional stability.

Furious rubbing of eyes revealed the jury has, not for the first time or last, made a complete ass of itself and has gone ahead and gifted it to some Kailash Satyarthi and Malala Yousafzai instead.

If you ask me, this year’s Nobel Peace prize should be called LoC, something India and Pakistan share and neither looks completely happy with the arrangement.

If you’ve seen his photos that have started littering the front pages of the newspapers, you’d agree with me what Satyarthi actually needed is not a Nobel prize but a stout razor and a tube of shaving cream. With the money he now has, he can obviously secure a lifetime supply of shaving kit but that’s a roundabout way of doing things.

What is more baffling is they made him share it with Malala Yousafzai. It’s not a paani-puri that you serve to a teenage girl and ask her to share it with her neighbourhood chacha.

Spare a thought for the girl! The poor girl is still recovering from the trauma of being shot by the Talibans and instead of helping her recuperate, you give her a nasty shock. Have a heart!

One completely understands the jury’s compulsion. Under a secret agreement, they have to announce a winner every year for the award that Alfred Nobel had started, for reasons best known to him, or be blown up by the good Swede’s most famous invention – dynamite.

What one doesn’t is their queer choice even when you had at least another dozen candidates who deserved it more.

Baba Siddique for instance. The Bandra MLA did the Bollywood equivalent of making Sourav Ganguly feed Greg Chappell with his right hand while fanning the feisty Aussie with his left. Siddique facilitated the epoch-making hug between Shah Rukh Khan and Salman Khan, whose followers, historians and Bollywood analysts predict, would fight World War III. If that doesn’t qualify for a Nobel then I don’t know what does.

One would go to the extent of saying that it could have been given to any Newshour panelist, for showing exemplary restraint and resisting the temptation to throttle Arnab Goswami.

And if the jury was keen on springing an obscure Indian in an unsuspecting world, Adi Pocha should have received it even if belatedly. Nobody spread peace more than Pocha has. He spread “Shanti” over 807 episodes and Mandira Bedi has not looked back since.

(Pix: DNA)
(P.S. Hope all realise it’s a humour piece and means no disrespect to anyone, however worthy)

When in Rome do as the Romans...and confirm you’re a priceless chump

This has the potentials to top the list of dumbest advice mouthed by a homo sapience since God created the World or AK Hangal made his Bollywood debut, whichever the earliest.

I suspect it was a wicked Roman who, seeking to inject some fun in an otherwise dull life, coined the adage despite knowing that you, a tourist, would make a colossal asino –- that’s ass in Italy –- of yourself if you land on Rome and try to ape them.

Allow me to elaborate and take the case of Casu Marzu, a Sardinian sheep milk cheese that contains live insect larvae.

You have to culture them like a microbiologist cultures bacteria in a lab with avuncular affection. You got to make sure the emotionally fragile larvae enjoy the hospitality of their new home and break down the fats to give it a sublime, gooey texture. The translucent white worms should be wriggling in joy when you are about to consume it.

Now, the Romans have been doing it since ages. This is probably the first thing they teach in kindergartens and by the time a kid is seven, he/she probably can make it blindfolded with one hand tied behind the back.

Now if you try your hand at it, even if none of them tied behind your back, you are bound to cut a sorry figure. It's a highly complicated method –- humouring a bunch of uprooted larvae in their adopted home –- that requires a sound knowledge of larvae psychology, which, I’m told, is significantly distinct from grown-up insect psychology.

While centuries of practice has reduced it to a kid’s play for an average Roman – they apparently do it in school in between classes -- a tourist can’t hope to land in Rome and dish out something that requires the combined skills of a Louis Pasteur, a Sigmund Freud and a Jamie Oliver.

Forget Casu Marzu. The sooner you realise you can’t even out-pasta an Italian the better. You just can’t upstage them in their own games. As simple as that.

When in Rome do as the Romans! It’s like saying when in Glasgow, do as the Scots, which means wearing a kilt and instantly becoming either 1) a family disgrace; or 2) the butt of dirty office jokes; or 3) an international laughingstock. Or all three.

Truth is, if you ever travel to Rome, the smartest thing would be to avoid doing whatever the Romans do. You’re welcome.

(P.S. You can safely say Doosra has declared war against the autocratic idiosyncrasies of the English language. The truth is, most of the English proverbs have aged/stagnated/simply ceased to make sense and need swift phasing out. Doosra will hunt them down, one by one, in this new series the frequency of which would be directly proportional to the availability of brainwaves)

Budget 2014: 10 Random Observations

1. Honourable Finance Minister spoke for two hours but it's actually a one-line budget. Sardar Patel Statuetory warning: Smoking is injurious to wealth.

2. Oil products to be cheaper. Afraid it would boost sycophancy.

3. Cigarettes to cost more. It's clearly a pro-rich budget. Only the rich can now afford those diseases that smoking causes.

4. How do I pay "indirect tax"? Instead of giving it directly to the guy at counter, I submit it via pantry boy?

5. Rather happy with "Krishi Darshan". Finally something to bring smile on the face of poor farmers like Robert Vadra and Amitabh Bachchan.

6. Cigarette to cost more, footwear to be cheaper. The underlying message is: kick the bad habit or smoke footwear.

7. Soap to be cheaper. Munaf Patel should have no excuse now.

8. Cigarette to be costlier (leitmotif of this piece). It means Bollywood will have to be more creative. Any bidi/cigarette chewer cannot be passed as a poor street urchin, however shabby the dress is.

9. Finance Minister sipped water while presenting budget. Was Hema Malini around to make sure it was Kent RO treated?

10. Cigarette costlier, footwear cheaper. Can you still crush cigarette butts under your footwear?

10 Soccer Facts I Bet You Didn’t Know

1. Babies are normally born head-first. Andrea Pirlo bucked the trend and was born beard-first.

2. An unborn Miroslav Klose never kicked his mom from inside her womb. He always headed.

3. Philipp Lahm is shorter than himself.

4. Arjen Robben can overtake any Irfan Pathan/Vinay Kumar delivery in loafers.

5. The density of hair in Joachim Loew’s head matches that of Anil Kapoor’s chest.

6. Kokilaben Ambani made a last-ditch attempt to make the Boateng brothers Jerome (Germany) and Prince (Ghana) bury their differences and play for any one team.

7. Eden Hazard was named after the 1967 Kolkata test match violence.

8. Sepp Blatter reports to N Srinivasan.

9. FIFA is a BCCI sub-committee.

10. An ageing Klose will decide whether to play on after the 2050 World Cup to be held in Chennai under BCCI’s aegis.

FIFA World Cup First Week Review

It's a matter of great relief that the first week of the FIFA World Cup, that ultimate burglary alarm, ended without any on-field homicide, though a couple of players came dangerously close to that.

None of them are Indians though, one can proudly add, owing partially to the fact that we find making the St. Stephen's cut-off list a greater challenge and hence don't waste time trying to qualifying for random World Cups.

That doesn't mean we are immune to the soccer malaria.

It's that time of the year when parents don't mind their sons downloading WAGs posters, an act when committed outside this window could get them swiftly disowned.

And it's considered perfectly "Bhartiya Sanskriti" for girls to drool over topless six-pack surfboards, an indiscretion which otherwise would cost them their original surnames via the elaborate process called marriage.

Fans call football a religion, an argument based presumably on the fact that it encourages idolatry, divides people, incites violence and occasionally claims life.

In Kolkata, Messi-worshippers apparently have stopped dating girls who sensed faintest of cuteness in Neymar. Across the nation, the picture is no better.

Productivity has taken a hit, sleep pattern has gone for a toss, employees have run out of excuses to bunk office and barbers have been flooded with requests for hairstyles
hitherto unknown to humanity.

As if it's not bad enough, Sony Six has rolled out "Cafe Rio" and social scientists concur human intelligence was never more at risk.

A suspected anti-soccer movement, "Cafe Rio" features individuals with impeccable soccer pedigree.

Gaurav Kapoor hosts it, picked no doubt for his likeness to the post Messi's shot came off before entering the Bosnia goal.

Panelists include the likeable John Abraham, who puts the wood in Bollywood and -- here I want you to closely follow -- everyone knows goalposts used to be made of woods before they went metal.

Also, the organisers were apparently looking for someone with cafe experience and John was fresh from his "Madras Cafe" venture.

If you still doubt his soccer credentials, this should clinch it. John's ex once kissed Ronaldo, though it's unfair to blame that incident for the Portugal's poor run of form, for it occurred some seven years ago when LK Advani was still a PM aspirant and Salman Khan a bachelor.

Other panelists include Indian soccer captain Sunil Chetri, a forward whose highest jump in the penalty box once took him, eyewitnesses swear, somewhere around Zlatan Ibrahimovic's knee-cap.

Some insist Ashok Dinda leaps higher and is a better choice during corners but others point out India have not won a corner since 1965 and hence Indian soccer is not the right platform to showcase Dinda's gravity-defying talent.

Another panelist includes retired French player Mikael Silvestre, who looks more stoned than Majnu was in that fabled sub-continental tragedy. (I'm told Majnu was probably not stoned to death but I'm not ready to let silly facts ruin a joke.)

Returning to the rail, not all are complaining though.

"My husband used to be soccer-mad but Cafe Rio has cured him. Thank you Cafe Rio," said a woman with an intonation not found outside teleshopping commercials.

She went to the extent of declaring "Cafe Rio" as soccer's own "Alcoholics Anonymous" and said she'd be surprised if the show/channel doesn't not get an award from the United Nations or the body that governs the universe -- BCCI.

Even though it's 180 degrees from their original motive behind launching the show, Sony Six has been bolstered by testimonials like this and has promised to carry on into the remainder of the tournament, a decision that has met deathly silence from social scientists.

Yama-Yudhisthir Q&A 2

As you know, the big daddy of all quiz shows featured Yudhisthir in the hot seat and Yaksha, Yama in disguise, as the quiz master.

There was no 'lifeline' and Yudhisthir still cracked the quiz. The prize was a trip to Malaysia but post-MH370, Yudhisthir got it swapped for Sodexo coupons:-

Yama: What's indecision?
Yudhisthir: Sonu Nigam's state of mind when dealing with his hair.

Yama: What's inevitable?
Yudhisthir: Alleged death in your domestic help's family coinciding with the arrival of your guests.

Yama: What's ingenuity?
Yudhisthir: Mamata Banerjee's Ph D.

Yama: What's inner voice?
Yudhisthir: Borborygmus. Or rumbling of an empty stomach.

Yama: What's insomnia?
Yudhisthir: Best anti-burglary device.

Yama: What's insolvency?
Yudhisthir: Living off neighbour's wi-fi.

Yama: Hmm. Finally, what's life?
Yudhisthir: The passage from womb to tomb.

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