Doosra Annual Awards 2018 (UNESCO certified)

That time of the year again.

Here goes Doosra Annual Awards 2018.

And remember, UNESCO has recognised it as the best set of awards!

Begana Wedding of the Year that had entire India Subcontinent Deewana ~ Virushka.

Kneeanderthal of the Year ~ Priyanka Chopra, for outraging a Sanskari nation by wearing a knee-length dress to a meeting with the PM.

Thesaurus Sale Booster of the Year ~ Shashi Tharoor, for his exasperating farrago of rodomontade and much more.

Best Kept Secret of the Year ~ Location of Virushka Wedding.

Worst Kept Secret of the Year ~ Rahul Gandhi's promotion.

The Annual Celeb-Kid-Shoved-Down-Our-Throat ~ Taimur Ali Khan.

Human Sriharikota of the Year ~ Salman Khan, who is launching his brother-in-law in Bollywood.

Neptune of Nepotism of the Year ~ Karan Johar, for launching yet another pair of Bollywood star kids -- Janhvi Kapoor and Ishan Khattar.

Disowned Loose Cannon of the Year ~ Mani Shankar Aiyyar.

Dogman Of the Year ~ Gurmeet Ram Rahim.

Ideal Neighbour of the Year ~ Sri Lanka, for continuing with their India tour even after their cricketers choked in toxic Delhi air and vomited their inside out.

Most Anticipated and Pending Return of the Year ~ A three-way tie featuring Black money from Swiss banks, Vijay Mallya and Lalit Modi.

Titanic Of the Year ~ RBI as its reputation hit the demonetisation iceberg and sank without trace.

Harry Houdini of the YearStudent of the Year ~ Virat Kohli, for successfully dumping 'headmaster' Anil Kumble.

Vincent Maruti Van Gogh of the Year ~ Mamata di, for her paintings like this.

Fickle Friend of the Year ~ Nitish Kumar, for dumping RJD.

Lord Hanuman of the 22 Yards ~ Rohit Sharma, for torching Lanka here and here.

Worst Investors of the Year - 'Padmavati' producers.

To Rahul, With Love ~ Delhi Police

Oh dear Rahul, why make a fuss
Over simple questions and simple answers
What makes you weary?
We got simple query
Fair or dusky?
Baritone or husky?
How is your skin?
Patchy? Porcelain?
Eyes and their colour
Turquoise? azure?
The hair, kindly fill in
Silky, grey and thinning?
Once we get these right
We hit matrimonial site
Find a girl compatible,
So please don't quibble
No need to fret
Kindly co-operate ~ Thanks, Delhi Police

(Pix: AFP)

Reaction to Dhoni's test retirement

1. I told you Indians are not large-hearted enough. He quit only tests and not other formats. I have retired so many times, he's done it just once. Long way to go beta. ~ Shahid Afridi.

2. Oye yaar, like languor drives a langur to a langar, like a bee goes to sea to pee, like a monkey with a junkie looking funky, like a vulture scratching ulcer in our culture... ~ Navjot Sidhu.

3. Retirement is a state of the mind and in that state election also, we lost to BJP ~ Rahul Gandhi.

4. We have to consider the socio-political context. Is retirement ka "Raaz" kya hai? "Arth" kya hain iska? Cricket uski "Jism" me har roz "Zakhm" paida kar raha tha. Yeh ek "Rog" ban kar "Zeher" ki tarah fail gaya tha. He had to quit test!. Khud ko "Murder" karta kya? But what I liked about the chap is that he started from the scratch and was always itching to succeed ~ Mahesh Bhatt.

5. I can understand test cricket was keeping him away from family. Hope he can now spend more quality time with wife, Sakshi Tanwar ~ Alia Bhatt.

6. Ekbar usne commitment kar diya to woh khud ki bhi nahi sunega. I guess he got a "Kick" out of quitting midway through the series. Yeh decision dil me aata hain, dimaag me nahi. ~ Salman Khan

7. He's just a retirement enthusiast. I think it was his astrologer's advice to retire midway through the series as Rahu was catching a nap while his girlfriend kept Ketu distracted. ~ Srinivasan.

Doosra Annual Awards 2013

It was a night of red carpet, stealth light, stretch limos, bowties, pinstripes and black satin gowns.

In other words, it was Doosra Annual Awards Gala Night at an undisclosed location.

Ladies, gentlemen and otherwise, here are the annual gongs:

1. Innocent Lambs of The Year: Mumbai Police. Entire world, and some even in Mars, knows who was driving the Aston Martin, except Mumbai cops.

2. Friendly Politician of the Year: Narendra Modi. "Mitron..."

3. Political Astronomer of the Year: Rahul Gandhi. For suggesting Dalits need Jupiter's escape velocity to escape from Mayawati's clutch and succeed.

4. Pontificating Ponytail of the Year: Tarun Tejpal. He recused himself from the award ceremony, preferring prolonged laceration instead in a Goa jail.

5. Padma Bibhishan: Preet Bahara. The alacrity with which he handled the Devyani Khobragde case will give inferiority complex even to the younger sibling of the Lanka king from Ramayan.

6. Larynx of the Nation: Arnab Goswami. NASA has confirmed his is the only human voice audible even from outer world.

7. Sulabh Irrigation Idea of the Year: Ajit Pawar. For this radical suggestion of filling empty dams.

8. Jai Mata Di Scientist of the Year: ISRO chief K Radhakrishnan. For visiting Balaji temple to seek blessing for India’s Mars orbiter.

9. Retiree of the Year: Sorry to disappoint Sachin Tendulkar fans, it’s Uday Chopra. His decision to quit acting has plunged Pluto into great depression while his female fans in Mars, unable to bear the truth, refused breakfast.

10. Indian Domestic Help Association's Shiney Ahuja Medal: Devyani Khobragade for her treatment of Sangeeta Richard.

11. Bollywood Parole Model of the Year: Sanjay Dutt, for flying in and out of jail as and when he wishes.

12. Pathetic Pinocchio of the Year: Akhilesh Yadav, for presiding over UP riots and showing Nero's sensitivity when Rome burnt.

13. Ideal Father-in-law of the Year: N Srinivasan, for protecting G Meiyappan with the kind of ferocity that has set the bar higher for all pa-in-laws under the sun.

14. National Beans Spiller: Karan Johar. Latest data suggest more people consumed coffee at ‘Koffee With Karan’ than in CCD and Costa Café put together.

15. Goldie Bail Medal: Baba Ramdev’s Patanjali Yogpeeth which found gold in cow urine. Bappi Lahiri regrets buying 400 cows in hurry and is apparently planning to sue Ramdev for misleading gullible public.

Sachin Tendulkar's 7 Abject Failures

If you want nausea-inducing Tendulkar hagiography, mainstream media is the place to be.

Even as a teary-eyed nation prepares for the farewell match of her favourite son, Doosra has not lost perspective. Leaving the easy eulogy part to others, Doosra gleans seven conspicuous failures of Tendulkar's otherwise glittering cricket career:

1. Never made it to the Delhi University cut-off list, handicapped primarily by the fact that he is not a Delhiite;

2. Not known to have succeeded in buying a tatkal ticket from IRCTC website, despite his short back-lift and flawless follow-through;

3. Could not find a quality hair transplant for chum Vinod Kambli;

4. Failed to convince Swami Agnivesh to drink Livpure water;

5. Could not find a girl for buddy Rahul Gandhi;

6. Never cleared his position on issues including but not confined to - euthanasia, bifurcation of AP and the prolonged bachelorhood of Salman Khan;

7. Never endorsed an edible machine gun which doubles up as a folding bicyle.

EXCLUSIVE: Eyewitness Account of Saifeena Marriage!

Thumb-twiddling is an exercise not without its charms but then there are times when you have to put behind such simple pleasures of life and dirty your hands.

Which Doosra dutifully did, to get you an eyewitness’ account of Saif Ali Khan’s marriage with Kareena Kapoor.

Initially, I tried to gatecrashed into the party, shrewdly disguised as myself but the security guards proved smarter than I had assumed and won’t let me in.

I said I’m Rahul Gandhi and they laughed hysterically, pointing out the vital flaw in my concocted story - that it was not a Dalit household.

Before I could say even Gadkari, I found myself precariously close to the gutter, having been kicked out by those security guards.

Another couple of inches and I’d have ended up one of the guttersnipes Salman Khurshid enlightened us about.

To cut a long story short, I buttonholed a funny looking bird coming out of the party and he shared the details, speaking strictly on condition of anonymity and a non-refundable loan of Rs 50.

Below are the excerpts:

Doosra: So the marriage went off well?

Guest: Well! Lot of drama, man. Kareena wasn’t willing for a Nikah. She insisted a court marriage was enough.

Doosra: What! So, how did they convince her?

Guest: Convince? My size 8 foot! She’s quite headstrong and won’t budge. Fortunately Sharmila Madam had an idea. She spread out a map of Afghanistan in front of Kareena, put a finger on the capital and asked Kareena “Kya Hai?” Kareena thought she was testing her geography and smartly said: “Kabul Hai.” Qazi saab promptly announced them a couple!

Doosra: Oh boy! What drama!

Guest: Drama! Real drama was when Maneka Gandhi got into a fight with Dharmendra.

Doosra: Maneka Gandhi? She was invited too?

Guest: Can’t say if was invited, but was there. A catering guy asked Dharam paaji if he’d like some drinks when paaji saw a stray dog and screamed “Kuttey, kamine mai tera khoon pi jaunga.” Maneka ji sprang from her seat and got into a nasty argument, threatening to unleash some 500 mongrels on paaji before they pacified her.

Doosra: Good lord! Then?

Guest: Then what? Dharamji went to Dharamsala...

Doosra: Dharam ji left the party and went to Dharamsala!

Guest: Moron, I meant Dharam ji went to where his sala, I mean brother-in-law, was sitting and both started drinking as if there’s no tomorrow.

Doosra: Think I saw Salman Khan inside?

Guest: Oh yes, Bhai was there but you know how he emotional he is. Asked why Tiger Pataudi wasn’t around. We told him Tiger saab passed away and he went on mumbling Ek Tha Tiger...Ek Tha Tiger...

Doosra: What!

Guest: Yes, only once he came out of that trance. Told you Dharam paaji and his brother-in-law had exhausted drinks. When one of the catering guys offered Bhai a bottle he had kept for himself, bhai thundered: “Mujh par ek ehsaan karna ki mujh par koi ehsaan na karma.”

Doosra: Oh boy! What about Saif’s family? I mean his sisters?

Guest: Soha and Saba were busy counting pressure cookers, dinner sets etc. Those who gave only bouquet didn’t have boondi in their boondi raita.

Doosra: What about other celebrities who attended the party?

Guest: Got another 50 rupee note?

Doosra: Yes, but I need it to return home.

Guest: Go chase yourself, you @#$%^&.

India's Seven Other Dalits!

Aamir Khan touched the untouchability issue in the July 8 episode of Satyamev Jayate.

Doosra was touched too. In fact so touched that wasted precious little time to compile a list of India's Seven Other Dalits, sneered at and ridiculed by their snooty peers.

1. Literature Dalit = Chetan Bhagat;
2. Music Dalit = Himesh Reshammiya;
3. Tennis Dalit = Leander Paes;
4. Fashion Dalit = Govinda;
5. Political Dalit = Amar Singh;
6. Food Dalit, ok Dalit Food = Rahul Gandhi;
7. Intellectual Dalit = Suhel Seth

(P.S. I'm a great admirer of the Aamir Khan show. The guy could have done any other show but chose this one. If it brings positive change even to one life, it's job well done. At the same time, my admiration should not come in the way of some harmless fun. Hope Aamir and his fans agree.)

Mango after Akhilesh, Ginseng after Singhvi?

This must rank as Akhilesh Yadav’s second straight-set victory over Rahul Gandhi.

While Rahul Baba has copyrighted the "Aam Aadmi" phrase, Akhilesh recently got a variety of mango named after him.

Man comes and man goes but mangoes stay forever and all that.

Doosra reckons there are at least seven other leaders who deserve to have some sort of flora named after them.

(Click on the pix to enlarge)

Concussed Gambhir fails memory test!

Hear it here first!

The nasty concussion has left Gautam Gambhir with a memory as dodgy as Suresh Raina’s technique against rising deliveries.

The team doctor paraded the entire Indian team and to their horror, Gambhir could not recognise his teammates!

Here is what happened there:

Doctor: Hi Gautam...hello Gautam…hey Gautam!

GG: Why are you poking at my ribcage?

Doctor: Because I’m calling you and you are not replying.

GG: But who am I? All I know is that I’m concussed.

Doctor: You are Gautam..

GG: Gautama? Gautama Buddha? Well, Buddha hoga tera baap.

Doctor: You are Gautam Gambhir. Indian cricketer.

GG: Oh yes, it all coming back to me.

Doctor: I’m relieved. Hey Viru, come here. Gautam, you know Viru?

GG: Yes. I know Viru...but he was not bald. Viru... he loves Basanti but mausi doesn’t like him.

Doctor: What are you talking? Viru is Virender Sehwag. Remember you are an opener. Hey, what are you doing? Why are you biting the can?

GG: You said I’m an opener. Was trying to open the can.

Doctor: My god! You are a cricketer who got consussed. You remember how?

GG: Yes, it all coming back to me. I was trying to catch Kevin...Kevin...Kevin Spacey.

Doctor: Pietersen!

GG: Oh yes. It all coming back to me. It’s Pietersen. Don't yell at me.

Doctor: Sachin, come here. Gautam, you know Sachin?

GG: Of course I remember. Sachin.. He has got a nasal voice. I like his "Ore majhi, le chal par".

Doctor: that’s Sachin Devvarman! I’m talking about Sachin Tendulkar!

GG: Oh yes, Tendulkar, Tendulkar. It all coming back to me. Don’t scare me doctor, now I remember it all. By the way, you sure I’m Gautam Gambhir?

Doctor: Yes. Apart from Sachin, you remember any of your team mates? You remember Rahul?

GG: Yes Rahul...he is Sachin’s son.

Doctor: Again! I’m not talking about Rahul Devvarman.

GG: Ok ok, stop scolding me. Was joking. It all coming back to me. Rahul who? Yes Rahul. He’s not Sachin’s son. He is Sonia’s son and will become Prime Minister some day.

Doctor: Hopeless. It’s Rahul Dravid. Ok will help you identify the rest. Look at him. Tell us who he is? His first name is Suresh. Does that ring a bell?

GG: Of coufrse. Hi Suresh. You look younger. You have shaved I see. Doctor, I told him to play cricket but he went to Commonwealth Games instead and got into troubles. I don’t know what he did there but was jailed. Have they released you from Tihar? I’m concussed you know…

Doctor: Aargh! Completely gone case. You can’t recognise anyone. Do you know me or you forgot the team doctor as well?

GG: I know you doctor. You are Dhoni. You got a doctorate other day. I remember everything. It...

Doctor: ...all coming back to you, isn't it?

Spare Chika, for fatherhood’s sake!

What bugs me is that a father can't be a father without inviting the ridicule of a world that expects him to be anything but a father.

To square cut a long story short, Srikkanth –- often hailed by the scientific community as the clinching proof that human tongue is by no meanse connected to human brain -- is drawing flaks for selecting son Anirudh in an Indian team for some Emerging Players Tournament in Australia.

In a world where you can’t possibly hurl five bricks without hurting four reluctant fathers of various shapes and sizes -–Arnold Schwarzenegger and ND Tiwary are the two ends of the spectrum –- here you have a bona fide father’s bona fide affection for his bona fide son being ridiculed.

I'm rather glad that Gandhiji isn't around. Otherwise, the same critics would have panned the Father of Nation for promoting the Nation.

Honestly speaking, Galileo had rather a narrow escape because he was indubitably the Father of Science and undeniably promoted Science, which would have surely upset the critics.

Coming back to the Chika episode, who knows, maybe there was some misunderstanding? Or the miss standing next to Chika to take dictation erred, so natural when the speaker dreams of a world without punctuations.

Probably Chika proposed Rahul Gandhi’s name as the most promising, emerging player and the steno mistook it for Anirudh? Rahul...Anirudh...Anirudh...Rahul...saw the eerie similarity!

Well, I’m ready to give Chika a benefit of doubt. Those who know cricket know it well that a batsman is always entitled to the benefit of doubt, even post-retirement.

Okay, for argument’s sake, let’s assume Chika indeed proposed his son’s name. He probably saw Anirudh emerging from behind the sightscreen and thought that was enough to qualify for the emerging players’ tournament.

Even then, I insist, Chika actually took a risk by agreeing to send his son to Australia.

Who can vouch that Anirudh would not catch the eyes of that loony alchemist Chappell?

If Chappell sets his mind to it, he may draw the kid to a corner, lay an avuncular arm around his shoulder and whisper some magic words into his ears, culminating with Anirudh announcing his retirement from cricket and plans to become a professional contortionist instead.

Returning to the rail, Chika has done fatherhood proud and he should immediately be canonised as Father Chika and not Dhinka Chika, as some Salman Khan fans would prefer.

In other words, Chika has done fatherhood proud and the tirade against him is clearly the father of all misguided vendetta.