A star Indian cricketer's letter to his fans

Hi guys,

Let me take you back to a time when you, the volatile fans, pelted our penthouse, tarred our expensive walls and burnt our effigies whenever we let you down on the field. We'd lie low, in safe havens abroad, and return only after the all-clear had been sounded. 

And then you grew up. 

Or stones, tar and effigies were no longer affordable. Either way, you grew better at digesting defeats and we took it as a sign of your maturity.

But, sorry to say, I've started doubting that of late and I'll tell you why.

While the world got busy with the IPL, the wrestlers hit the street with their protest. It's unfortunate, as well as unwise, they chose that time of the year to demonstrate. You can't compete with IPL for eyeballs, it's a no-brainer.

Many of you have demanded why we, the country's highest-paid athletes, have been silent on this. Since you asked this, you better listen to the answer.

Firstly, and this should be the clincher, stop having unreasonable expectations from us. We are here to play cricket, and not to champion YOUR causes. 

I mean, first you put us on a pedestal, and then you want us to descend from there and dirty our feet. You call that maturity?

It's not that we are not moved by what happens around us. But it better be chic and lit and safe. Black Lives Matter (BLM)? Count us in, even though we openly had a racial slur for Daren Sammy. Global warming? Hell, yes! Even though we want an expanded IPL, where every match emits 10,000 tonnes of CO2 equivalent. Dwindling wildlife? Bring it on! Even though we don't really care about wildlife rules.

But we draw the line when it comes to taking a stand on any issue that can potentially upset the authorities.

Man maybe a political animal but we are demigods, for Tendulkar's sake! We are clearly under no such compulsion! We are proudly apolitical, because that makes us compatible to authority of all hues -- democrat or despot, janta or junta. Our ideology is the sheer lack of it. So, take a chill pill and outrage elsewhere.

Honestly, most of us aren't even aware of these wrestlers, let alone their problems. How can we comment on something we don't know? Ignorant? Maybe. Selfish? No!

Besides, we have our own battles to fight.

For instance, my Insta follower count hasn't grown beyond 2 millions since last month. Also, I was recently this close to signing two endorsement deals both of which have now gone to an upcoming talent. Can you fathom my agony?

Worse, my wife has been flying practically everyday since last month and still hasn't had her nailed-the-airport-look photo even once in any Page 3! Can you even imagine the trauma she is going through?

With so much on our plate, it's rather unfortunate that people expect us to be up to speed with what's happening with the wrestlers of this country. I doubt if any of these wrestlers even has a 100k-plus follower count on Twitter.

So let me recap this. Gym photos? No problem. Exotic holiday snaps? Done. Motivational quotes? Sure. But real issues about real people and their real problems is a strictly no-go area for us.

So dear fans, and I love you all, kindly adjust your expectations.

And before I sign off, buy this dodgy herbal product, it's good.

I haven't used it obviously, because medics warned, and several countries have banned it. But maybe you'd like it?

Muah

A top cricketer

Pix: iStockphoto

Why Kohli's exit is a tragedy test cricket didn't deserve

 

Contrary to popular perception, test cricket is not doing great, and I'm not even looking beyond the 'Big Three' because it's too dark out there. 

The latest edition of test cricket's hottest property, the Ashes, proved a damp squib, and if England escaped a whitewash, it was solely because of Pat Cummins' inexperience as test captain, particularly the declaration aspect of the job. 

The timing naturally could not have been worse for test cricket's most charismatic leader to step aside after his futile feud with the men in charge of Indian cricket. And, for lack of clarity, we can only surmise who, between the two main antagonists, would have come out of a lie-detector test with his reputation intact. 

The lament is how circumstances, for want of a better word, robbed test cricket of its biggest champion. Cricket's longest format needed Kohli the captain more than Kohli the batsman. A batter can raise the batsmanship bar; a captain can rejuvenate an entire format. Kohli did both, but at least we still have Kohli the batsman. 

Test cricket's main ailment is it often lacks drama despite being the drama-friendliest format and Kohli leading India was a compelling theatre. Think Bangalore (2017), Jo'burg, Nottingham and Adelaide (2018), and Lord's (2021). 

Thrust into the role, Kohli burned with passion as if it was the only thing he knew. Test cricket would transform from funereal to frenetic with him orchestrating it. Kohli the captain was box office. 

He made test cricket 'cool', lending it a glamour that brash T20 leagues consider their birthright and modest ODIs can expect only during the World Cups. 

The extraordinary thing about Kohli's captaincy was it guaranteed mass participation of the game's stakeholders. He kept everyone on their toes: team mates, oppositions, umpires, match referees and, SuperSport will vouch for this, even the broadcasters. 

It's hard to imagine a test captain who had so much of influence across the board. 

And then his relentless push for victory. As test captain, Kohli didn't faf around. Draws, like his once-favourite butter chicken, didn't interest him. More than he loved winning, one suspects, he loathed losing. He hated, almost resented, being the first captain called to the presentation ceremony. And it showed. 

For anyone who has followed his career, it's not difficult to understand. You send Kohli to win a battle, not to negotiate a truce. He was that kind of a captain. 

As captain, his biggest contribution, however, was to address the disconnect between test cricket and its dwindling fans. He prevented an exodus of fans, winning them back from the lure of T20 cricket. And he did it by replicating the intensity of T20 cricket. 

Kohli spiced up the usually-bland experience of viewing test cricket. For anyone watching him, neutrality was no more an option. He made you feel it was your duty to do everything a fan of the game could to further his mission or derail it. You were either with him or against him. 

And this in a format often accused, not without reasons, of alienating, even if unwittingly, the cricketing hoi polloi. Test cricket lacks passion, probably even discourages it. While I don't advocate changing the colour, no wonder it mandates the players wear white. 

One always got the impression that Kohli's captaincy was truer to his Delhi roots in the sense there was nothing half-hearted about it. Sehwag's batting once bore it, and it's unmissable in Pant's batting now. 

No wonder Pant is talked about as a future leader. 

Pix courtesy: Virat Kohli's Twitter handle

Alternative ICC Awards

ICC Emerging Husband of the Year ~ Virat Kohli

ICC Headline Writers' Delight of the Year ~ Lungi Ngidi

ICC Brawler of the Year ~ Ben Stokes

ICC Materazzi of 22 Yards ~ Jonny Bairstow

ICC Fake Kapil Dev of the Year ~ Hardik Pandya

ICC Best Non-Pregnancy Vomiter of the year ~ Suranga Lakmal

ICC Boomerang Captain of the Year ~ Angelo Mathews

ICC Usain Bolt Between Stumps of the Year ~ Cheteshwar Pujara

ICC Detest Player of the Year ~ Rohit Sharma

ICC Best Partnership of the Year ~ Imran Khan & Bushra Maneka

P.S. In case actual ICC awards interest you, read it here:

Application For The Post Of Team India Head Coach

To
Shri Sachin Tendulkar
Shri Sourav Ganguly
Shri VVS Laxman

Subject: Application for Head Coach, Team India

Dear Sirs,

This is in response to your advertisement for the post of Head Coach, Team India. Kindly convey my sincere thanks to Anil Kumble Sir, for creating a vacancy when the job market is shrinking like hemline in summer.

I don't really know why he quit but can make an educated guess that he paid the price for trying to be the Greg Chappell from Bangalore.

I heard he was determined to bring Virat's meeting with Anushka strictly under the FTP.

Being an ICC Cricket Committee member, he also insisted that Virat mouthed only MCC-approved, gender-neutral expletives. Apparently, he was mortally scared of having to say "Only one team is abusing in the true spirit of the game and it's not India."

A renowned wildlife photographer, he reportedly sought BCCI approval to drop Axar Patel in front of a starving lion in Gir to capture the beast's yawn.

While I don't boast a record like Anil sir, I have none of his eccentricities either.

I think the first attribute of a good coach is vision and mine is 20/20. I'm attaching the ophthalmologist's report corroborating it. Unlike Anil Sir, I can see the writing on the wall.

My biggest strength is that I've never coached any team in my life. I'm attaching endorsement letters from eight clubs confirming they never considered me worthy of the job.

My inexperience means existing ideas have not polluted or confined my views, and that I won't be just recycling the standard coaching practices to justify my salary. No.

As someone with no knowledge of cricket coaching, my ideas are naturally fresh, completely unbiased and potentially revolutionary.

It may shock the players initially but that's how all revolutionary ideas kick in -- with a bang and not whimper.

Unlike Anil Sir, I have a better idea of what the job entails. Trust me, I have no illusion about the job.

Players at this age don't need a coach. What they need is someone who is decent at baby-sitting. For instance, I've noticed players like Shikhar Dhawan tour with the entire family in tow.

I can look after the kids while their dads play and moms shop. I'm attaching endorsement letters from neighbourhood moms who'd vouch for my baby-sitting skills. I don't want to brag but I can change diaper blindfolded and with one arm tied behind my back.

I can even take their wives/girlfriends to shopping, in an "elder-brotherly" manner, if you know what I mean. I'm great at haggling and can get them the best deal anywhere. I'm attaching letters of endorsement from three exasperated shopkeepers to support my claim.

I know bit of cooking as well. So, for instance, if Rohit Sharma wants a bowl of noodles and walks out to bat, I can serve it piping hot when he returns.

I understand the job requires thick skin and I blush to inform that daily hundreds of mosquitoes blunt their precious proboscis trying to suck my blood. I'm attaching a clinical profile of the skin to support my claim.

As for mindset, after a decade of marital bliss, I'm clinically immune to criticism, sarcasm, humiliation and outright insults.

I read Anil Sir was the 'alpha male' in the dressing room. Kindly tell Virat that I'm ready to be the 'omega male' and he should not worry.

Sirs, in keeping with the demand of the job, I'm ready to feel unheeded and unwanted, and ridiculed behind my back.

If I understand it correctly, you are looking for a high-profile good-for-nothing, who should assiduously twiddle his thumb while the captain calls the shots.

I understand as Head Coach, my job would be to front the media after crushing defeats and dust the captain's chair before he addresses news folks post-victory.

Without further testing your presence, I believe I've strongly demonstrated that I have a crystal-clear understanding of the job.

Please find attached my CV. Should you need any further information, just give me a miss call and I'll call you back.


Yours sincerely
A permanently married, temporarily jobless Indian

10 More Books Unlikely To Be Written In India

What Ails Olympics Opening Ceremony (1/2)

I did not stay up to watch the opening ceremony of the Rio Olympics. I always felt the Olympic opening ceremony is the most expensive way to teach country names to kids. Besides, the timing for Rio was more suitable for burglars and petty criminals, including but not confined to call centre slaves.

Also one loathes the way countries are introduced every year by unimaginative announcers. If you ask me, this is how certain countries should be introduced:

Greece: Dear ladies and gentlemen, we begin with the original host of the Games, who came up with the concept of Olympics and has since gone bankrupt. Remember kids, this is the country which gave birth to Pythagoras whose theorems ruined our teens.

Australia: A country rich with flora and fauna, including Koala, Kangaroo and Andrew Symonds; also a country where every advice begins with “mate...”

Bangladesh: Here we have country that makes most of our designed garments nearly for free. Check the Zara top you are wearing or the GAP jeans, if it doesn't say "Made in Bangladesh", chances are they are counterfeits. They are also the biggest suppliers of domestic helps and rickshawallas to India's National Capital region. Also, as some of you know, they are leading the drive for a blogger-free world.

Bhutan: Here comes the Bhutan contingent, a beaming smile on their faces. As you know, especially those who have seen "The Lunchbox", the tiny Himalayan country is the happiest nation in the world. Medal or no medal, they'd return home happy and beaming. It makes them the Games' most relaxed team, as opposed to China.

China: China's formidable contingent makes a grand entry. Take a good look at their stern and serious faces and you know it's a team under pressure. Some of them will win medals and thus be entitled to a daily bowl of state-sponsored noodles for the rest of their life. Some of them will fail, and will either vanish off the face of earth and be sent to work as a brick kiln worker for the rest of their lives.

Ethiopia: Running behind them is Ethiopia. If you wonder why they are looking more haggard than they normally do, it's because they started from Addis Ababa two months back. The athletes can't afford air tickets and are expected to pick most of the long-distance medals as they return home running. They don't mind some UN aid on their home either.

Iceland: Iceland for you, dear spectators. The flag-bearer is a judoka but who knows, maybe he is a professional snake milker. It's his grip on the flagpole that suggests so. Of their three swimmers, one is an ostrich babysitter, another a professional queuer and the third one clears tiger's ear in a circus. The team includes a javelin thrower who is an earthworm psychologist and a discus thrower who is a promising scarecrow.

India: If there was an Olympic gold for athlete-to-official ratio, here comes the team which would have never missed it. Welcome India. They have sent 46 athletes, who are accompanied by 27 percent of the country's bureaucracy along with their drivers, maids and maalishwala.

Jamaica: Enters the colourful Jamaican squad led by the world's fastest man, Usain Bolt. Err, it's a blur now. I mean he was here! I swear I'm not drunk. I think I saw them entering and they went like a flash. We'll check the tapes folks.

Japan: Next we have Japan, the country that taught us how to eat merely-concussed fishes and call it Sushi. Arguably the most behaved nation, which has stored away its collective anger in volcanoes.

Kenya: The Kenyan contingent runs into the stadium. Like Ethiopia, they couldn't afford airfare either and are reaching here after two months of inter-continental criss-crossing. They are natural runners who started running even before they could walk. Not really a surprise when you grow up being chased by starving Lions and indignant Cheetahs. Even if they don't win a medal, some of the athletes hope to catch Angelina Jolie's eyes and get adopted.

Mauritius: Ladies and gentleman, please welcome Mauritius. Dear little kids, it's the island nation where most of you were conceived. In fact, marriages are not solemnised if you haven't honeymooned in Mauritius. Also draws tax cheats.

Nepal: Ladies and gentlemen, please clap for Nepal. When not climbing Mt Everest after every domestic dispute, they are electing a new PM. Also the country that gave us the wonderful Manisha Koirala and the less wonderful Acharya Balkrishna of Patanjali fame.

North Korea: Here comes the Games' most assured contingent, the wonderfully nuclear-abled North Korea. They left home declaring themselves as the Olympic champions and will nuke anyone who disputes that.

Pakistan: Here comes a small contingent from Pakistan. Apparently, their sports ministry wanted to select the squad but eventually ISI handpicked the candidates. Some believe they are here to find Imran Khan's next wife. (...to be continued)

Exclusive Interview of Rohit Sharma's Talent (RST)

Doosra: Hi, you there?
RST: What do you mean you there?

Doosra: Odd. I can hear you but I can't see. The chair is empty. Are you real? I mean, do you really exist?
RST: what do you mean? You don't really suggest Rohit Sharma's talent is non-existent, do you?

Doosra: Well, it's very disconcerting. I feel like Annu Kapoor entertaining an invisible Anil Kapoor in "Mr India". If you exist, why can't I see you?
RST: You don't see Bappi Lahiri's eyes either, but that doesn't mean he doesn't possess any. Look through the prism of devotion, and you'd see me, you obnoxious non-believer.

Doosra: Are you a myth or reality? Does Rohit really have any talent?
RST: Loads of it, more than he knows what to do with it. Trust me, the guy is stuffed to the gills with talent. Look how obese I am!

Doosra: I still can't see you...
RST: That's because you are a cynic moron. Yesterday he cut his finger and you know what he bled? Talent. He is full of it, he's oozing it all the time through his pores. In fact, he has surplus talent. At times he has to spit it, vomit it and even defecate it. Or he'd explode.

Doosra: What rubbish.
RST: On the contrary, if ICC is really serious about improving cricket's standard in associate nations, they should sprinkle Rohit's bathwater on the cricketers from those countries.

Doosra: Outrageous. I find it difficult to accept. Talent was Wasim Akram, who could bowl six different deliveries in an over.
RST: Wasim was a kid and must be thanking his stars that his career didn't coincide with Rohit's. Rohit can squeeze in a boundary even in a three-run knock. He can edge even when shadow-practising. And he can outsmart any bowler by offering multiple dismissal options in each delivery.

Doosra: If he is indeed so talented, why can't he score consistently?
RST: I'll pardon you for being such a chump. All talents, by nature, are like that. If Leonardo da Vince had to churn out a masterpiece every day, he'd have probably come up with Mona Singh and not Mona Lisa. Same with Rohit - masterclass or mastercrap. Nothing in between.

Doosra: Records don't really back that. Apart from the two 200-plus ODI scores, both at home, there's pretty much no real masterclass to justify his billing as the best thing to come out of Mumbai since Sachin Tendulkar.
RST: That's a wrong way to put it.

Doosra: I'm glad you agree.
RST: No, I meant the truth is Tendulkar is the best thing to come out of Mumbai before Rohit happened. I'm afraid, world cricket will always be divided into pre-Rohit and post-Rohit eras.

Doosra: Whatever. I think the trick is to combine talent with hard work. Lara was gifted, but Sachin worked harder and see where they ended up.
RST: Utter rubbish. See, Rohit can't work hard, it would be suicidal for him.

Doosra: And how?
RST: Let me explain. See, every player is like a container, and Rohit is full to the brim with talent. Now to accommodate hard work, you have to tilt the container and drain some of the talent. Now who in his right mind would waste talent like that? Where is the sense in it?

Doosra: It's ridiculous.
Talent: I agree, he's outrageously talented.

Doosra: You mean he won't improve ever?
RST: Don't be silly, where is the room?
Doosra: Guess, we have to live with it. Anyway, nice talking to you. See you...ok, forget it.

Exclusive: Sourav Ganguly interview

Doosra interviewed Sourav Ganguly at Eden Gardens soon after he became the CAB president.

As his wont, dada was two hours late for the interview but he sort of made up with his frank views on Bengal and Indian cricket.

He chewed his nails throughout the interview until he was sufficiently manicured.

The tangled mass of assorted chains and lockets also made an appearance as he undid the first two buttons of his shirt which he, despite occasional provocations, did not take off or swirl.

We produce the interview verbatim below:

Doosra: Ah, here you are. We thought you won’t turn up at all.
Sourav Ganguly: Sorry, I’m late but don’t you think you should have got used to it by now? Bhagwan ke ghar der hain andher nahi. And you forgot they called me God of the off-side?

Doosra: Well, you have a point there, and a gully as well. Anyway, how does it feel to be the boss of Bengal cricket?
SG: Long ago, I asked “aapne dada ko bhule to nahin?” They proved they have not. I thank them for making me CAB boss though, honestly, I expected to lead ICC if not the UN. Anyway, CAB is a good launchpad I guess.

Doosra: So what are your plans for Bengal cricket?
SG: I promise a swift turnaround in Bengal cricket. They won’t have to wait for it like Steve Waugh had to wait for me at toss (bursts into laughter).

Doosra: Many expect you to identify youngsters who would form the nucleus of the future Bengal team, just as you did as Team India captain.
SG: I’m glad you asked this question. Well, I have decided Sehwag, Yuvraj, Kaif, Bhajji and Zaheer will form the core of the future Bengal team.

Doosra: What! But they are nearly done with competitive cricket and they play for other states!
SG: Sorry, I meant Sehwag junior, Yuvraj junior, Bhajji junior...See, it’s an ambitious, unprecedented project. Sehwag is so pissed off with Delhi that he won’t mind even if his son plays for Andaman Nicobar in Ranji Trophy. We have convinced Bhajji to get married soon and talks are on with Yuvraj as well to graduate from pie-chucker to bachelorhood-chucker. These are the baby steps for revival of Bengal cricket, if you know what I mean (winks).

Doosra: Quite radical, one must say.
SG: Yes, and if the plan materialises, it would rob other states of their own talents and enrich Bengal. So you can say I’m killing two Dickie Birds with one Sharon Stone -- I picked it from Sidhu, by the way.

Doosra: Hope you realise that cricket administration is not going to be a bed of roses. There will be people resisting every step. How do you plan to tackle them?
SG: Chappal se nahi, Chappell se maarunga. I will treat them like I used to treat left-arm spinners. You don’t worry about that.

Doosra: And what about Shah Rukh Khan?
SG: What about him?

Doosra: I mean he treated you badly at KKR, stripping you of captaincy then kicking you out of the team. Are we going to see him being banned at Eden Gardens just like he was at Wankhede?
SG: Don’t be silly. We are grown up men. I have put the entire KKR episode behind me. However, other members decided Shah Rukh will have to walk on his hands every time he wants to enter Eden Gardens, balancing an egg on a spoon in his mouth and two lighted candles on his soles. Well, I can’t always ignore majority view, you see. (winks)

Doosra: What are the reforms you have in mind for Bengal cricket?
SG: To improve our running between-the-wicket, we plan to abolish it altogether. We want our future generation batsmen to score only with 4s and 6s. We commissioned a study that suggests taking singles and twos significantly impedes a batsman’s ability to hit 4s and 6s in the same over, apart from greatly enhancing run-out risks. I agree, it’s not worth the risk.

Doosra: There is a rumour that your wife would be roped in as the team’s batting consultant. That’s not true for sure?
SG: What’s wrong with that? Dona will help our batsmen get their footwork right. Against the spinners, they need to come dancing down the track and who better than a professional dancer to teach them how to do it? Also she gets bored at home knitting sweater for me and the kids.

Doosra: And why did CAB choose Salman Khan, of all people, as the brand ambassador?
SG: I suspect you’re not aware of it but taking off shirt is universally recognized as a cathartic exercise, and my experience is no different. Modern cricket is much more stressful and the players need an outlet for their pent-up angst. Look at Salman, he has got into all sorts of troubles and still remains sane because he frequently goes topless. Besides, we wanted to tap into his hit-and-run experience. (winks)

Doosra: What is your immediate target as CAB chief?
SG: To get Ashok Dinda back down to earth. Poor lad, has leapt so high since his last delivery that got awkwardly stuck in one of the trees in maidan. Fire Brigade guys have reached there with ladder etc. Maybe we need to fill his boots with stones to keep him grounded or tether him to the stumps.

Doosra: And what’s your long-term target as the boss of Bengal cricket?
SG: To lead Bengal to a position where BCCI and eventually ICC will beg for CAB membership.

10 Predictions

* Every Indian village will get its own CCD by 2019;

* Investigation will eventually reveal Indrani Mukherjee was born after she married herself;

* Agencies supplying freelance hunger strikers will soon be a reality;

* India and Pakistan will fight the next war not over Kashmir but over Rameez Raja -- each insisting the other keeps him;

* People who begin sentence with "Basically" would be doubly taxed;

* India's cricket clout will grow so much that ICC will have to apply for BCCI membership;

* iPhone will emerge as a new monotheistic religion;

* People who use "Password" as their password will be publicly shamed;

* Launching satellites through ISRO will be cheaper than travelling from Gurgaon to Noida by Uber/Ola;

* Audrey Hepburn will return from the dead to tell us that all the black-and-white photographs of hers flooding social media are fake.

(Here are "15 Predictions")

(Here are "15 More Predictions")

9 Facts About Retiring Kumar Sangakkara

1. He studied law and is a champion sledger but never called anyone Habeus Corpus or Quo Warranto, or even Certiorari;

2. In his teen, he was known as Kishor Kumar or the Young Kumar;

3. Contrary to perceptions, he has no kids with Mahela Jayawardene;

4. His brilliant 2011 MCC speech made so much sense that MCC had to rent a warehouse to store them;

5. In a 2000 survey, 67% Sri Lankans said they needed Sangakkara as much as they needed O2. Rest said they don’t need O2;

6. The only genuine blot in his otherwise stellar career is his failure to convince Lasith Malinga to shun ghastly hairdos;

7. He dropped wicketkeeping not because of increased workload but because he felt he was being too greedy – already a top batsman and trying to become the top stumper as well;

8. The Battle in Lanka would not have occurred at all had he been around. Sangakkara would have convinced Ravan that wife-stealing amounted to serious breach of the ICC Code of Conduct and that he should not expect any favour from Ranjan Madugalle;

9. In 2000, as a neighbourly gesture, Colombo offered India to pick one Sri Lankan to represent them. New Delhi originally wanted Sangakkara but a clerical mistake in the External Affairs Ministry left India with Jacqueline Fernandez instead.

(Pix:VHIZZ)

Wimbledonitis strikes Indian cricket

Indian cricket's worst-kept secret is out, and remember you read it here first.

Some of the biggest names in Indian cricket have recently been diagnosed with what medics are calling Wimbledonitis -- an irrepressible urge to be at the Wimbledon, especially for the men's competition.

"Wimbledon has become his personal Vaishno Devi," said a family member of one of those cricketers, requesting anonymity.

"It's to him is what Cannes is to Sonam Kapoor. Come July and he wakes up, as if in a trance, takes a shower, puts on his best suit, dangles a tie from his neck and leaves for airport without uttering a word where he is going," she said.

"After a day or two, just when we're on the verge of contacting police, he resurfaces at Wimbledon's Centre Court. We used to panic a lot, but now getting used to it."

BCCI has appointed a leading psychiatrist to look into the case but the mystery rages on.

"I don't want to sound an alarmist but the ailment is spreading like a rumour of salacious nature in a gossip-starved neighbourhood," said Dr Mannjeet Mann, shaking head in disappointment.

"I'm yet to go to the bottom of this but it looks like a Curse of the White and most vulnerable are the recently retired ones.

"Wimbledon's predominantly white dress casts a natural spell on the psyche of the test players. That explains the strong pull they succumb to.

"It's an attraction as strong as the one Odysseus felt passing through the colony of the Sirens who lured sailors with their enchanting music."

Economists have also waded into the topic.

"It's very simple. Considering the food inflation here, it's actually cheaper to fly to London and eat strawberry-and-cream there than buy those here," said one of them.

According to a conspiracy theorist, Wimbledon was merely a ruse.

"The cricketers used it to fly to England and eat Maggi there. Remember, UK's Food Standards Agency has announced it safe," he said.

Dr Mann insisted it would be silly to underestimate the epidemic.

"This year we have had three of them -- Sachin Tendulkar, Sourav Ganguly and Virat Kohli at the Royal Box.

"And we have definitive proof now, of how it affects your intellectual faculties. A day after this, Tendulkar found himself lost in an Oxfordshire village and sent frantic SOS to get him out of there.

"It all probably started long back. Remember, tennis elbow didn't exist in India before he developed one."

Why can't we have honest bios like these?

Our strive for transparency should not end in celeb wear. An honest world is a lot more fun place.

Take the citations that go with all government awards. They simply lack soul and sound funereal. Insert some interesting tidbits about the winners and see how honest and fascinating it reads.

Image Bharat Ratna citations reading like this:

Shanthajit Sreechandila, Cricketer

* Rejected six match-fixing offers in a spotless career – either lacking the courage or the offers were not good enough.

* Cried twice on camera when asked about dark past. Would have been tried for tax evasion in any civilized country but used his connections to get away with it.

* Team mates fondly remember him as the stingiest person they shared dressing room with.

* Opponents remember him as a champion sledger with a penchant to involve female family members of his rivals.

* Often found digging nose at the presentation ceremony.

SureshRaja JayaKaruna Prasad, Politician

* In the 1716 rallies he addressed, had 17 chappals hurled at him, was slapped seven times and twice attacked with ink – least among his compatriots.

* Was found sitting through the national anthem on 11 occasions.

* A steady supplier of workforce to the government, he accommodated 136 of his family members in various departments.

* Introduced five different women as his wife at different points of time.

* Used political connections 201 times to get relatives out of jail.

* Set up Hai-Huku Commerce University of Science and Arts to match the institute he had forged his Master’s degree from. Seven of his rival candidates remain missing for over a decade.

RajKaran Verma, Bollywood Director

* More than 50% of his films didn’t attract plagiarism charges, a rarity in the industry.

* Maker of mostly women-centric films with the recurring theme of under-textiled females gyrating in rain under the Duckworth-Lewis method.

* A Bollywood pioneer who rendered plots redundant.

* Got three national awards, using either bribe or threats.

* Have steadfastly refused to be funded by anyone outside underworld. Often takes the underworld’s help to negotiate fees of his actors.

Reaction to Dhoni's test retirement

1. I told you Indians are not large-hearted enough. He quit only tests and not other formats. I have retired so many times, he's done it just once. Long way to go beta. ~ Shahid Afridi.

2. Oye yaar, like languor drives a langur to a langar, like a bee goes to sea to pee, like a monkey with a junkie looking funky, like a vulture scratching ulcer in our culture... ~ Navjot Sidhu.

3. Retirement is a state of the mind and in that state election also, we lost to BJP ~ Rahul Gandhi.

4. We have to consider the socio-political context. Is retirement ka "Raaz" kya hai? "Arth" kya hain iska? Cricket uski "Jism" me har roz "Zakhm" paida kar raha tha. Yeh ek "Rog" ban kar "Zeher" ki tarah fail gaya tha. He had to quit test!. Khud ko "Murder" karta kya? But what I liked about the chap is that he started from the scratch and was always itching to succeed ~ Mahesh Bhatt.

5. I can understand test cricket was keeping him away from family. Hope he can now spend more quality time with wife, Sakshi Tanwar ~ Alia Bhatt.

6. Ekbar usne commitment kar diya to woh khud ki bhi nahi sunega. I guess he got a "Kick" out of quitting midway through the series. Yeh decision dil me aata hain, dimaag me nahi. ~ Salman Khan

7. He's just a retirement enthusiast. I think it was his astrologer's advice to retire midway through the series as Rahu was catching a nap while his girlfriend kept Ketu distracted. ~ Srinivasan.

Maria Sharapova’s Apology to India

I admit it should not have taken this long but as we say in Russian: Лу́чше по́здно, чем никогда́. Or better late than never.

My friends in India, here I, Maria Sharapova, daughter of Yuri and Elena Sharapova, tender an unconditional apology to 1.2 billion of you (I suspect million but my manager insists it’s billion) for previously not knowing who the Great Sachin Tendulkar is.

While I admit that you’ve shown great restraint in confining your just anger to innocuous photoshopping and innocent defacing of my Facebook wall using words that have greatly enriched my vocabulary, I beg your sympathy and draw your attention to my inglorious upbringing where cricket meant a buzzing insect and nothing else.

As some of you probably know, I was born in Russia, the country languishing in obscurity until your Mithun Chakraborty arrived there to shoot a couple of films that thrust my shy nation firmly under the spotlight.

Soon after my birth, my parents moved to the United States, a country history will eventually remember for organising random spelling bee contests monopolized by kids from your great country.

Despite the strong India links, in the country of my origin as well as the country I’ve adopted, cricket is as popular as Mike Tyson was with Evander Holyfield’s family immediately after that 1997 bout in Las Vegas.

While it’s a lame excuse for my mind-numbing ignorance, I beg you kindly consider the circumstances in which I confessed not knowing who the cricketing God was.

I completely agree when many of you question if tennis can be considered a sport, let alone a global sport, and wonder what’s the big deal about this Micky Mouse tournament. Looking back, I realise I got carried away after winning a match at Wimbledon and was not in full control of my faculties when I was asked the question about Tendulkar.

Otherwise, I could have mumbled out something vague yet face-saving. Like “That’s a ridiculous question. Of course I know him! Who doesn’t? He is a living legend, a giant beyond his physical stature and an inspiration not only to our generation but to the entire world. It’s people like him who restores our faith in humanity. In fact when I was trailing in the match, his presence inspired my comeback.”

I am ashamed of the way I have conducted myself and to prove that I’m genuinely sorry, I have been reading everything I could about Tendulkar, even if meant skipping training and fighting with the coach.

Now I know his cricket stats by heart; I know the punch lines of the each of his 2086 TV commercials including “Visa power, go get it”; and I know the breed of each of his pet dogs.

Naturally my preparation for US Open next month is the best I ever had. I may not cross the first round hurdle at Flushing Meadows but if media ask me about Tendulkar, I bet I will surprise you all.

Kind regards

Maria Sharapova

(A work of fiction, if you still don't get it)

Afridi’s Secret Diary: Aluminium Association of My Child School

I'm return. I not righting the dairy for a long time. The because was I being very busy like nobody's business. Playing cricket and thinking what be the good time for next retirement not being easy.

Outside that, I visited my child school last weak. It was many emotional. So many memories -- of rising over bench, being chicken for not doing homeworks, stealing paranthas from friend’s tipping box ...

As a student, I was, what you call, too sigh to speak. Fully no confidence, always hiding be low the desk. Sigh and what is the word? Yes, I was inverter like nobody's business.

My other child school friends also comed. All are establishment in life. We had very sad feeling seeing the old school building. It looked like collapsing anytime like our betting lineup. We feeled if we rise money for a new building, it will be a good jester.

So we all the before students of the school decided to come to gather and from a Aluminium Association and rise some money. Why aluminium, not iron which is more strongest is I not knowing.

A friend said we can also get many money from Inzamam Bhai if we call it Aloominium Association. I respect Inzy bhai who being a roll model but I smiled like nobody's business. Time for practice now. Coach will be accepting me on the ground. Good buy for now.

7 Possible Reasons Why England Axed Pietersen

It cannot be just a coincidence that England and Wales Cricket Board (ECB) decided to get rid of Kevin Pietersen in the same week that saw Azam Khan’s buffalos disappear and reappear under mysterious circumstances.

Neither Azam Khan nor ECB could offer convincing reasons behind the extraordinary circumstances that led to the disappearance/sacking of the sacred cows.

While Doosra cannot pinpoint the exact reasons behind Pietersen’s shock sacking, here are seven possibilities that may have forced ECB’s hand:

1. KP was caught red-handed stealing Alastair Cook's mascara;

2. KP's exciting shot-making was proving a bad influence on the impressionable young minds in a country determined to practise and perfect a brand of batsmanship that can cure insomnia;

3. KP was found to have replaced Andy Flower's shampoo with a mild pesticide and when caught, offered this bizarre explanation: "This is a standard horticulture remedy for any pest-ridden Flower."

4. His IPL earning was embarrassing UK's GDP;

5. KP was a divisive figure even at the breakfast table. While others asked for bacon and egg, he insisted on egg and bacon. It only proves KP never really embraced English culture;

6. KP winning matches single-handedly was a blatant act of defiance and gross violation of what is essentially a team game invented by the British;

7. KP often behaved as if he were KP.

(Pix)

Sugarpova Effect: 8 Indian Cricketers And Their Potential Brand Surnames

A recent NASA study reveals only two human voices reach Mars – the first being Arnab Goswami’s when he’s collaring the Newshour debate with aplomb; and the second, Maria Sharapova’s grunt when she is whacking the ball.

The tennis tsarina, and I’m not talking about Mr Goswami, recently appealed to a Florida court seeking to temporarily change her surname to ‘Sugarpova’ for the duration of the US Open before abandoning the marketing stunt.

For the uninitiated, Sugarpova is the candy line Sharapova owns

In the end, Maria Sugarpova didn’t materialise. In fact, the poor richest female athlete pulled out of US Open with a shoulder injury.

Taking it from there, Doosra lists eight Indian cricketers and what should have been their natural brand surnames.




1. Sourav Scholl: When things got tense, Sourav Ganguly chewed his nails as if they were Greg Chappell. Legend has it Scholl patterned their nail-clipper after Dada.

2. Rohit Maggi: The first joke an average Indian kid learns is that you put maggi two-minute noodles on oven when Rohit Sharma walks out to bat and serve it hot when he’s back in the pavilion.



3. Shikhar Moustache: Shikhar Dhawan possesses contemporary cricket’s most famed handlebar and Moustache jeans can’t sign a better person to revive the brand that was fairly popular in small-time towns.



4. Harbhajan KFC: Even his detractors would admit he was a ‘Finger-licking good’ spinner before being reduced to a thumb-sucking has-been.

5. Ajit Nokia: Ajit Chandila has been connecting people so that they could fix IPL matches.

6. Sir Ravindra Good Knight: He is as efficient as the mosquito repellent brand. Has also assumed Knighthood without waiting for the queen to confer one on him.

7. Mahendra Singh Pawan Hans: There is a general consensus even among the armed forces that Dhoni manufactures India’s best helicopters.



8. Virat Cisco: If you closely look at the Cisco logo, it resembles human digits with two rather outsized middle fingers, jutting out as if Virat Kohli’s.

P.S. The Bounce list of T20 cricketers who might change their surnames is here.

7 Reasons Why Cricket Is A Better Sport Than Tennis

1. You don't associate cricketers with rackets;

2. The entire tennis pitch is not even 1/10th of Shoaib Akhtar’s run-up;

3. You don’t need to perch umpires on high chairs to negate the threat posed to his/her life and limb by violent players;

4. Spectators can follow the ball without resembling wind-up toys and risking serious spondylitis;

5. Players don’t make such a fuss over ball, asking for three even though (s) he would eventually need just one;

6. Ball boys are not made to crawl in full public view even though they are well past that stage in life, thus rendering them seriously vulnerable to ridicule from peers;

7. Cricketers don't need to lob the ball high up every now and then to reassure themselves that all is well with the gravitational force.

(P.S. It's the sound of Maria Sharapova in yellow treading on French Open’s red clay that provoked this post which can alternatively be called Why There Is No IPL In Tennis.)

Cricket’s journey

Down the road, there was a kennel. Behind the wall, you could hear dogs barking.

There was a crack on the wall and a cricket crawled out of it.

It wiggled its antennas, started chirping and headed towards where the barking was coming from.

Yessir. Cricket has gone to the dogs, if you ask me.