Saturday 31 October 2009

Doosra live from Kotla

Welcome to WNWSACWR. What Neo Won't Show And Cricinfo Won't Report, for the uninitiated.

2210: Dhoni and Henriques try to run through each other and come crashing down. Both believe the other guy goofed up the mantra.

2150: Had they been in the press box, a handful of Australian cricketers would either have contemplated homicide or quit the game altogether hearing the way their names were being molested by the official scorer. See if you know Dog Bolllinger, Adam Bhaujee, Peter Seed Le, and Nathan Harish.

2130: Yuvraj hits Henriques for an effortless six. It looked a fullish delivery but replays showed it was a foolish delivery.

2115: Dhoni changes gloves and Doug Bollinger uses the time to rub the ball furiously against his thigh. Doosra has raised it in the past also that ICC should do something for dermatosis among players.

1930: Sorry for the prolonged delay. Had other fishes to fry. BTW, the Tata Stand, from where Johnson is trying to decapitate Dhoni, has Hema Malini selling purified water on one side and Tendulkar peddling cement on the other. It gets too boring, so here goes a PJ, the copyright of which belongs strictly to Doosra. Q. Which place in India is named after Hema Malini's brother? Ans. Dharamshala. (More PJs if Dhoni and Yuvraj don't end the boredom.)

1645: Ponting just raised the bar in self-abuse after his dismissal and you don't need lip-readers to tell you that he capped the line with the most popular four words in the history of human civilisation. In fact he was so loud that the thunder could be heard in Tasmania, if they strain their ears a little.

1555: Gambhir literally has a pain in the neck, just copped a Ponting pull. Shame on you Punter. Be a man, play fair and square.

1545: Babes with bottles enter the field with Foster's refreshment. Foster daughters indeed, one would assume. You don't send out your own daughter in such sartorial scantiness.

1445: Surprise! Surprise! Ponting opens with Watson. But then for someone who has uncorked zillion bubblies in his pomp, opening comes spontaneously.

1428: Both teams observe a minute's silence in David Shepherd's memory. You kind of agree, this is how Harbahjan looks best, lips sealed.

1425: Who says Ind-Pak cricket ties have been knotted, I mean snapped? Before the Men in Blue and Canary Yellow walk out, the ground has been invaded by the Men in Green. Alas, they turn out to be mere groundsmen. The same bunch of souls who top Ponting's hit/hate-list for watering the practice pitch yesterday.

Thursday 29 October 2009

David Shepherd R.I.P

Every Friday the 13th, you tied a matchstick to finger so that you are constantly touching wood.

You hopped when the scoreboard signalled a Nelson.

All your life, you probably didn't walk under a ladder, feared black cats and possibly carried a rabbit's foot in your pocket.

To sum it up, you could have been a walking 5'10" old wives' tale.

We still liked you.

For not looking like a dead fish in white.

For not being just a hat-hanger.

And for your humour that never stooped to buffoonery.

David Shepherd, we will miss you.

Monday 26 October 2009

Why it’s not easy being an Oz cricketer

Because one fine morning, your boss may feel it's not enough to have just Darrel Hair and demand facial hair!


A fathead, disheveled boffin – jumping up and down Jolimont Street claiming to be Archimedes 2.0 – has concocted the outrageous hypothesis that .22 yard of undergrowth beneath your nose guarantees success on the 22 yards!

And it's just the tip of the iceberg. Shane Watsons and Mitchell Johnsons would vouch, worse can happen to you.

For instance, you can jolly well be plucked out of the nets and planted in dingy studios to strip down to the bare minimum and allow strange people scrub you and rub smelly ointments.

Enough to sow the seed of doubt that you are actually a 40-over old cherry, being polished for that dirty trick of reverse swing!

And the worst is not over yet.

Your boss then decides to immortalize your dishevelment and market the remnants of your modesty, capturing your embarrassment into calendars that would soon adorn the walls of girls' hostel and shady gay clubs across the nation.

So where were we? Yes, it's not easy being an Oz cricketer. Especially when your boss had attended the same morality school frequented by sleaze racketeers.

(Buy Men of Cricket Calendar 2010 here).

Thursday 22 October 2009

You know Champions League was a dud when...

1. Billy Doctrove has to dance on-camera, in tunnel;

2. Delhi Daredevils discern they require Owais Shah more than David Warner;

3. Ian Chappell needs to borrow a Chunri before entering the commentary box;

4. Dhoni appears only in between overs and there too is outsmarted by fishermen's kids;

5. Nobody gives a customary damn about Indian culture and the attack it faces from the proximity of the neckline and hemline of the Mischief Gals;

6. Andrew Symonds slips into an ill-fitting Sherwani when a snug straitjacket would have met the case;

and finally

7. Even a Marcus Trescothick gets so bored that he springs a convenient alibi to return home and air his dog.

(P.S. Doosra never practised or preached chest-thumping, considering it's best left to the non-OBE Gorillas in general and a certain OBE Guy the Gorilla in particular. But the fact remains that Doosra has grown enough in stature to invite a fatwa in the past from an eminent Australian panel that had Shane Warne puffing in one corner!

Doosra's list of eminent readers doesn't end there. It gave me goose bumps to know that Ricky Ponting, the patron saint of Ind-Oz bonhomie, is not only an avid reader of the blog but also a sympathizer of my struggle while putting together the seven-pointers like the one above. I'm indebted to Ponting for saying seven is too many.

P.P.S News just filtered in that moved by the Doosra post Cricket Loses Masculinity, Cricket Australia is urging youngsters to grow moustaches!)

Tuesday 20 October 2009

Champions League Googly

1. Which two players are playing for wrong CL teams?
Answer: Jon Holland and Bhuvneshwar Kumar.

2. What is common to Dwayne Bravo and Howrah Bridge?
Answer: Both have Ganga under them. First in T&T lineup and the second in Kolkata.

3. Why Andrew Puttick's team won't win Champions League?
Answer: Because, National Geography swears, Cape Cobras thrive only in Southern Africa.

4. Why most T&T batsmen feel like islands in the dressing room?
Answer: Because they are surrounded by Ganga. And not just one but two!

5. Of all the articles written about them, which one T&T prefers?
Answer: A. Since it makes them AT&T.

6. Why T&T skipper Ganga is exasperated with the Bravo brothers?
Answer: Even when he yells "Bravo" in disgust, the brothers take it as a verbal pat.

7. 'Is' could have been the middle name of which two cricketers?
Answer: Simon Keen (NSW) and Vernon Philander (Cape Cobras).

Saturday 17 October 2009

Dravid missed a trick

Rahul Dravid is probably feeling like dirty latex -- thrown out after it has served the purpose.

In his heart of hearts, he knows he volunteered.

Life often doesn't give you a chance to redeem yourself. And nobody grudged when Dravid got one.

But The Wall could not see the writing on the wall.

His sacking had nothing to do with performance. But so was his recall.

He was brought back not because some people wanted to see him, but because they wanted to hide others.

Still, it was a godsend. From cricket God to His most devoted son. At least it allowed him to time his exit after one last hurrah.

But Dravid saw eternity in the ephemeral. He found long-term commitment in what was essentially a marriage of convenience.

You don't wait for the dreaded arm to grab you by the scruff of your neck before giving that final push.

Dravid did.

He was recalled with a clear use-by date and he overstayed his welcome.

You can't prevent the end but you can at least dignify it.

Dignity was his middle name. Until he lost the plot.


Tuesday 13 October 2009

Bit of Ramayana in Champions League!

First he cut Shurpnakha's nose. And then he cut a sorry figure in the Mission Sister-in-Law Recovery in Lanka.

I mean you can't really speak highly of someone who bit dust after receiving a KO punch within seconds of his only significant bout against Meghnad with the referee counting beyond the customary 10.

His scruples will tell him that he owes Hanuman a drink after the Great Indian Monkey God -- hope Andrew Symonds reads this piece -- flew in with the restorative.

Imagine Hanuman doing the perfect clean-and-jerk with the mountain and you know who pioneered weightlifting techniques!

But sticking to the point, after 14 years in exile -- an educative one at that -- Lakshman could not be mocked anymore as a lax man.

You can safely say that Lakshman returned from Lanka a much-improved man.

Now consider Laxman.

He used to play T20 with an 'L' sign. But a stint in Lancashire and he now gives Gilchrist an inferiority complex!

It's no less an epic story in which Laxman returns from Lanca, a much-improved man.

Saturday 10 October 2009

Show me a Domenech in cricket!

Son of a Catalan escapee of the Spanish Civil War, Raymone Domenech was known as "Leg-Breaker" for his approach to soccer in general and the Femur, Patella, Tibia and Fibula of the rival strikers in particular.

He is a former theatre actor, fortune-teller, tarot card-reader and happens to be the manager of the French football team who once took Zinedine Zidane & Co to watch Samuel Beckett's play "Endgame" on the eve of an important match.

And he once used a post-match interview to ask his partner to marry him!

So it's probably not surprising that the manager, at 57, managed to inspire a porn actress-turned-singer to record a song -- I Fancy Raymond -- that has become a rage in France.

"And if he attacked my penalty areas I would be without defenders," cooed the cupid-struck singer.

Now sample the lady-killers cricket has to offer.

Gary Kirsten, India: Alas Persis Khambatta is no more, for only Lt Ilia could fall for such baldness. Only redeeming trait is distributing sex dossier among Indian cricketers these days;

Andy Flower, England: Has a feminine facade. Was a wicket-keeper, which means never bowled a maiden over in his entire career, forget evoking a love song from a porn star;

Intikhab Alam, Pakistan: At the young age of 68, he prefers pain-killer, than being lady-killer;

Tim Nielsen, Australia: to start with, you are never sure which way he looks at. And you can’t speak highly of someone who has no qualms about planting his bum on the same seat that has been contaminated by John Buchanan’s posterior;

Mickey Arthur, South Africa: With the name of a cartoon character and an appearance to match, he can’t even complain if a girl comes and takes the Mickey out of him;

Andy Moles, New Zealand: The surname itself speaks the story. He shakes like custard and has a face which excites only anti-obesity campaigners. In fact so fat that you can actually slice him and have two coaches, if you want.


Wednesday 7 October 2009

She is why Kiwis lost Champions Trophy

Daniel Vettori: pulled hamstring.

Jacob Oram: ditto.

Jesse Ryder: messed up groin.

Daryl Tuffey: broke hand.

Grant Elliot: hurt thumb.

Ian Butler: developed intestinal infection.

Saw the rush to get injured? Like moths drawn to fire?

No offence to Kate Stalker but just shows having a female physio can easily be one of the 101 Ways A Cricket Team Can Shoot Itself In the Foot.

Kate Stalker Pix: Associated Press

Monday 5 October 2009

Allergy cost Pakistan Champions Trophy!

Harbhajan's is not the only hand that itches, especially when a Sreesanth is in the vicinity.

Last month, hundreds of women in the eastern Indian states had a similar sensation after they developed Mehendi allergy.

Not that allergy is essentially a proletariat phenomenon.

For instance, Kimberly Williams is allergic to cats and dogs. So much so that she sneezes her inside out at the prospect of raining cats and dogs!

Take the case of Bill Clinton. He may not be allergic to plump White House interns but cats give him a wheeze.

Beyonce is reportedly allergic to perfume. If still you don't see reasons to sympathise with her co-performers, X-rays would confirm that God had mistakenly slipped a boulder where He was supposed to put a heart.

Janet Jackson's is a more baffling case. Having twice tied the knots -- quite loose ones you may say since she wriggled out of both -- her self-diagnosis is she is probably allergic to marriage!

And until they reached the Champions Trophy semifinal, you could not put a finger on what Pakistan is allergic to.

As long as pundits ignored them, Younus & Co were pleased as punch and cruised as a launch.

But suddenly they heard an oracle: "From now on, you will be cursed and damned as favourites."

Knees trembled, spine curled, blood curdled...Let's face it, Pakistan is allergic to favourite's tag.

Friday 2 October 2009

7 Reasons why India lost Champions Trophy

1. Two overs and a wicket. Let's face it, MS Dhoni underbowled himself;

2. The tackiness of the trophy didn't tinkle Dhoni's sense of aesthetics;

3. Lalit Modi had warned Dhoni & Co of dire consequences if they overdid things in Champions Trophy and picked up injuries that would jeopardise their Champions League participation;

4. The sight of IPL teammates in rival camps left Dhoni's men with the same dilemma that had crippled Arjuna in Kurukshetra. Alas, there was no Krishna to talk the Indians out of their predicament;

5. Virat Kohli's batting isn't as formidable as his visa office contacts which make him an obvious substitute whenever a teammate twists ankle or hurts groin;

6. Continuing with the Kohli factor, he replaced Gautam Gambhir (now vice captain) in Sri Lanka and Yuvraj Singh (original vice captain) in South Africa. At this rate, he would replace Dhoni against Australia and this very threat perception explains Dhoni's dud bat in South Africa;

7. Finally, Gary Kirsten may believe otherwise but compulsory reading of abridged Kama Sutra is not among the 100 Ways To Win A Cricket Tournament.