Tuesday 31 March 2009

Why Gambhir is entitled to his first shaving set

Every stripling goes through this mirror-gazing, the universal juvenile desperation to come of age. And finally the D-Day arrives. With the tangibility of the shadow above the lip qualifying for a full-fledged moustache, the teen stakes his legitimate claim to his first shaving kit, the official recognition of a boy becoming man.

Nearly 11 hours spread over three days, defying the slur of a follow on, a shoal of piranhas floating around his blade and a pack of pacers taking turns to hurl unrelenting hostility.

Most saw him grinding down the Kiwis but few noticed his simultaneous battle within, to curb his instinct, a far tougher opponent to deal with. And in the end, he won both the battles, against his aptitude and adversary.

Considering how he experienced suffering and self- mortification, Gambhir was more Gautama than Gautam in Napier.

Of course one can disagree and point out that while Gautama attained enlightenment under a Bodhi tree in Bihar, Gautam’s came in an anti-podian McLean Park.

International cricket is a way too demanding business. But once he is through with the hustle and bustle, Gambhir would have time at his disposal to indulge in nostalgia. And when he skims through his immensely colourful catalogue of knocks – and he would have played quite a few of them in all formats– he would be captivated by the sheer black-and-white magic of this 137 in Napier.

Wednesday 25 March 2009

Rainbow chasing Poms dealt a raw IPL deal

Unscrupulous IPL cheerdealers have settled for the sunnier South African climes in the Rainbow Nation. But as anyone with an ounce of conscience left in his soul would agree, the Poms clearly had a more rightful right to host IPL II than the Proteas.

In their haste to settle for South Africa, Lalit Modi & Co failed to appreciate British PM Gordon Brown’s recent rejection of Chief Medical Officer Sir Liam Donaldson’s suggestion to hike booze price, undoubtedly a nefarious attack on Britain’s bottled tradition. Gordon suspects Donaldson was under the influence of alcohol when he made the remark.

At least Vijay Mallya should have pointed out the development to Modi but Doosra learns the Bangalore Royally Challenged owner was apparently too engrossed planning the shooting for the 2010 Kingfisher calendar to heed the development.

From logistics point of view, England clearly held an edge over South Africa, only if Modi could grasp. The fact is there was simply no need to fly in cheerleaders in UK. Denied pay hike, one million British nurses, midwives and doulas are ready to shake a leg and it was just a matter of bearing with their ages.

Being the most famous midwife himself – telling all the time how busy he is ‘delivering’ a world class IPL – Modi’s apathy towards his own tribe is simply appalling and borders on back-stabbing.

From socio-ethnic point of view, IPL simply missed a chance to become a landmark social movement. Mark my words, history will barbeque Modi for squandering a golden opportunity to set the British society right.

IPL matches in England would have lured the youngsters out of their homely comfort and curbed the beleaguered nation’s burgeoning teenage mother population. But Modi chose otherwise and the red-faced Brown government fears the depressed teens may go berserk after conceding IPL to South Africa.

And not to forget the legacy of Jade Goody. A goggle-eyed nation stuck glued to the idiot box following Goody till it became England’s national pastime. Goody’s premature demise has not only left vacant slots in the national prime time but also created a sudden void in the nation’s pursuit of morbid obsessions. British eyeballs are desperately seeking more and more deathly stuff and butchering of the bowlers called IPL would have perfectly fit the bill.

But again, Modi remained indifferent. And so was Shilpa Shetty, despite owing her fame, fiancé and twang to Goody.

Last but not the least, this was also IPL’s chance of shattering a local myth that has started spreading roots in the British collective psyche following England’s triumph in Providence by providence – that every win necessitates an arithmetically challenged coach in the opposition camp.

Friday 20 March 2009

To Tigers, with love, from Tendulkar

Sachin Tendulkar dedicated his ton to the tigers. Well, hitting centuries is what he has been doing since birth and having exhausted the list of mankind, I reckon at some point of time, looking beyond was an inevitability.

At the same time, there are others as well who owe a similar dedication of their moments of glory to creatures other than human and it’s worth having a look at them.

1. Andrew Symonds to Fishes: Catching them is more fun than catching say, a Harbhajan Singh. Besides, fishes never taunted him, racially or otherwise;
2. Harbhajan Singh to Monkeys: As atonement for racially abusing them in the Sydneygate episode; alternatively,
Harbhajan Singh to Kiwis: For his new-found similarity with the guileless and flightless bird;
3. Mohd Yousuf to Chameleons: As a mark of appreciation after borrowing the whole range of colours from them and completing the ICL-IPL-ICL cycle;
4. M S Dhoni to Goats: Atonement for sacrificing one of them in a Ranchi temple; alternatively,
Dhoni to Buffalos: As a mark of gratitude after guzzling gallons of milk, triggering malnutrition among the livestock population in the country;
5. Ajit Agarkar to Ducks: For self-explanatory reasons;
6. Steve Bucknor to Rhinoceros: For lending him their hide and then forgetting about it;
7. Mudassar Nazar to Snails: Legend has it that Nazar’s longstanding jogging partner used to be a snail, which would patiently wait for him at the bend of the road in Lahore after they had started together in the morning.

Thursday 12 March 2009

Seven Tenets of Sehwag’s Batting Philosophy

Doosra was recently commissioned by People for Ethical Treatment of Bowlers to peep into Virender Sehwag’s sub-conscious and figure out why he considers the leather-flingers as his class enemy.

Study concluded, here goes the Seven Tenets of Sehwag’s Batting Philosophy:

1. The only delivery you can’t score off is the one that takes place in a maternity ward.

2. Shoulder-arming is a health hazard that should be immediately outlawed. It exposes the wicket-keeper and the close-in fielders to the danger of suffocating from poisonous armpit odour.

3. Running between wickets is a perversion pursued only by the potential pedophiles while dot ball is nothing but a public statement of a batsman’s impotency.

4. Post-Lahore, cricketers have to care about their own safety and sixers, and even skiers, are effective ways of preempting any aerial attack.

5. Bowlers are actually condemned souls who somehow sneaked out of hell only to receive their quota of punishment on earth.

6. To help the ball manufacturing industry weather the current financial downturn, every batsman worth his salt, sugar and jaggery should contribute their mite by sending their quota of deliveries to irretrievable parts outside the ground.

7. Contrary to perceptions, safest way to reach a century is to take the aerial route. After all, the ICC Technical Committee is yet to approve the optional deployment of two fielders suspended from diagonal light towers.

Pix: Time magazine