7 cricketers on Osama bin Laden’s death

1. Sachin Tendulkar: I have a strong stance on this issue. I strongly feel Osama’s death is either good or bad for us. It just can’t be anything else even though we should not rule out other possibilities. If you ask me, I think it’s essentially a relative subject and so Osama’s relatives can better answer it. Osama was apparently staying in a stone hut in Tora Bora. When people throw stone at you, you turn them into milestone. Instead, Osama turned it into a stone hut and I think that tells everything;

2. Rahul Dravid: Who died isn’t important here. One should not think about individuals, team always comes first. What’s important here is a death has taken place which means the global population has just shrunk and the air available for human consumption will be relatively higher. Besides, I think it would allow batsmen to concentrate better. I remember I was batting against Sachin’s son in Mumbai when the Americans were bombing Afghanistan and it greatly affected my concentration. The only time I had a similar problem was in Sydney when a whale rather loudly exhaled in the adjacent Tasman Sea just when I was taking guard;

3. Shahid Afridi: I’m happy like nobody’s business. When I speaked that Indians not having big hearts and we having, people moleculed me…or is it ridiculed? Whoever…Now see which country gave Laden shelter? I feel…I feel… vindictive…the media will now eat dumbbell pie;

4. Anil Kumble: I see beyond Osama’s death and what stirs me is the inequality of the contest. The US Military and the Al Qaeda were fighting and I’m sorry to say only one team was fighting in the true spirit. Our Bangalore Royal Challengers owner Vijay Mallya has naturally taken interest and promised to reduce the spirit deficit;

5. Sourav Ganguly: I’m really aghast. I think Obama is selling us dummy. I’ve been tipping them that bin Laden was masquerading as Greg Chappell but they did not listen. I’m not convinced that bin Laden is dead;

6. Shoaib Akhtar: Dude, America is not like Pakistan. America is in America and unlike Pakistan, there people don’t celebrate when their presidents die. USA losing president like Osama is like Pakistan losing me;

7. Shane Warne: Heard the guy was living with his youngest wife. Got her number mate?

7 IPL auction sub-plots!

1. IPL has precipitated the Armageddon by putting monkeygate protagonists Harbhajan Singh and Andrew Symonds in the same team;

2. Vadodara is about to seek separate nationhood, convinced that the money Pathan brothers fetched from IPL auction is enough to sustain a nascent nation;

3. One of the team owners with an obvious zombie expression was so thick-headed that auctioneer, at one point, asked her if he could use it as the hammer;

4. Anil Kumble opted out of IPL because he feared Rajasthan Royals might be interested in him and there are enough scientific evidences to prove the indelible scars that Shilpa Shetty's non-stop giggling can leave on human psyche;

5. Sid Mallya was the only owner with a scientific outlook. Few realised his mohawk was actually a subtle anti-thesis to Newton's law of gravitation;

6. There was so much coldness between Preity Zinta and Ness Wadia that every cappuccino they ordered turned tropical iceberg in no time:

7. In a last throw of dice, Pakistan agreed to export onions to India, offering one cricketer free per sack but IPL governing council members said they have got used to salad sans onion.

The perceived toothlessness of Kamran Akmal

Factually speaking, Kamran Akmal doesn't give you the impression of being a toothless glovesman.

On the contrary, he comes across more as an assortment of molar, premolar, canine and what not.

If Anil Kumble is Jumbo –- a dentist is bound to question the soundness of the simile -- Akmal is Mammoth. Now take that.

But form and fortune can be as fickle as Liz Taylor in her pomp, which is roughly 1950-91 when she married eight times to seven husbands. And Akmal, although a mammoth cricketer in his own rights, experienced the same in Sydney.

Both literally and figuratively, he dropped the ball at SCG. Ball after ball to be more accurate. And now his team is reciprocating, dropping him like a hot brick.

Now that leaves us with just one Akmal in Hobart and no prize for guessing that it's not the one long in the tooth.

P.S. Was searching for Kamran Akmal's photo. All I could lay my hands on was this Nestle product.

Become official Royal Challengers Bangalore blogger!

At Doosra, we don't do charity. It's better left to a politician's spouse, retired bureaucrats and shrewd corporates.

But you have to make exception at times when the issue concerns the entire blogosphere. And this is surely the first of its kind, at least in this part of the globe.

To get to the nub, Royal Challengers Bangalore is hiring Chief Blogger -- apart from Chief Photographer and Chief Motivator -- for Champions League.

So if you consider yourself a wordsmith and fancy travelling with the team, just have a go at it.

Who knows maybe you'd be dining with Anil Kumble, sharing a (health) drink with Rahul Dravid and even hobnobbing with Katrina Kaif!

The last obviously at your own risk. RCB has made it clear they won't be responsible for any loss of limb or life for any act of indiscretion on your part.

Details are at the RCB website www.royalchallengers.com.

Remember, your deadline is Saturday, midnight September 20th.

Fake IPL Player is passe. Become real IPL blogger.

Mohali Test...Day 5

1052: What do you do when fog delaying start of play becomes a ritual? Tendulkar works on a doosra (No big deal, I too work on a Doosra anyway), Laxman realises he can send down decent medium pace stuff, Botham fools around, Harmison comes off a self-imposed exile to make a rare pubilc appearance and Anderson proves his dexterity and tries left-arm spin.

1157: The imposter out there in Gambhir's garb is trying to inherit the slur from Mudassar Nazar. Mudassar took 557 minutes to score his century against England. Luckily, however, Gambhir won't have as much time at his disposal.

1307: Lunch down their throat, Yuvraj and Gambhir walk out to bat again! Dhoni in no mood to declare. Flintoff can't believe it and asks the batsmen if they are serious. So Mudassar need not lose all hopes.

1522: I'm straining my eyes to see if Dravid is marshalling the field at the fag end of the match. Didn't Dhoni have that sort of farewell for Ganguly? Remember, Dravid too scored a Bradmanesque duck here. To my disappointment, I see Amit Mishra setting field. Nay, Kumble has just left, way too premature for Mishra.

1953: A convert KP sung 'pie-chucker' Yuvraj's praise in the press conference. "One of the cleanest strikers of the ball, his sixes leave me dumbfounded," he gushed. But then pie-chucker? "Come on, little bit of fun and banter doesn't do any harm," he said. Dhoni said he would love to have some more pie-chuckers. MSD also thanked the Poms for returning for the series to prove India is safe post-Mumbai mayhem.

Thanks for the Dadagiri

If Indian cricket is Bollywood, Sachin Tendulkar is its Amitabh Bachchan, who refuses to age or wane and M S Dhoni, its SRK – the urbane, glib-talking heartthrob.

I bet he’s not going to like this but Sourav Ganguly has been its Mithun Chakraborty.

Daily chores over, rickshaw-pullers, labourers, coolies and small shopkeepers throng dingy theatres in nondescript towns where Mithun badmouths baddies before battering them thrice a day. Script, storyline, cinematography, music – everything else is secondary. Week after week, they cheer every blow Mithun lands on the villain and whistle every time he shakes a leg with a buxom beauty.

Ganguly has been as much a hero of the hoi polloi, the messiah of the mass, who could identify with his brand of leadership. Indeed, few knew better how to involve, incite and ignite public minds.

And the touch of Bollywood is too unmistakable in his comeback as well. Pushed to the brink of the precipice by a gora villain, the post-interval session sees the hero clawing his way up to punish the baddie and settle score.

In many ways, Ganguly reflected the ambition and aspiration of a nation which, bankrolled by a burgeoning economy, dreamt of entering the big league, demanding equal respect.

Fans shared his wholesome hatred for prevailing norms, which suggested cricket is played between two sides but won only by Australia. And when he took his shirt off in Lord’s hallowed balcony and hurled a mouthful back to Flintoff, it was virtually a collective catharsis for a nation which had stopped turning the other cheek.

Indeed, if Dhoni & Co are speaking an aggressive language on the field, it was Ganguly who had laid down its grammar.

And as the man walked into sunset with a trail of eulogies and effigies, bouquets and brickbats behind him, few acknowledged his contribution.

It’s not the 18000-plus runs he scored, mostly through the off-side of which he was the God. Neither is the fact that he taught how to win Tests abroad. Nor is it about instilling aggression in teammates.

Most importantly, Ganguly restored faith in public mind and upheld its integrity, thus helping cricket survive a potential disaster, a splitting of the game and its followers.

Ganguly inherited the team at a time when Indian cricket was struggling to shed the match-fixing slur. Every dropped catch set the tongue wagging, every dismissal was dissected in hushed tones and every outcome was seen through a veil of suspicion. It was clearly cricket’s darkest hour.

To his credit, Ganguly established the integrity of the game and a secular India embraced cricket as its religion.

In between his fairytale Test debut and Bradmanesque exit, Ganguly was never the best batsman around, neither statistically nor aesthetically. And still Ganguly on song ranked among the most beautiful scenes in cricket.

Few incurred so much hatred, and fewer got the love that came his way. Much more than just a cricketer, Ganguly was a character, whose exit leaves the game poorer.

Tendulkar’s greatness doesn’t trigger debate, Dravid’s persona doesn’t strain friendship and Kumble is a genuine sweetheart.

In contrast, 16 years of ceaseless scrutiny has yielded precious little and jury is still out on whether Ganguly is the saint or the Satan.

Take a bow, Jumbo

Jokes, like jokers, have a limited entertainment value, beyond which they don't amuse, only annoy. Having wagged indefatigably for 18 long years, finally no impish tongue would ask in jest whether Anil Kumble is the fastest slow bowler or the slowest fast bowler.

The subsequent avalanche of applauds was inevitable, perhaps equally so was overlooking the message sent out by the man who just walked into sunset. Predictably, we read only the words, not the deeds.

Those who care to see beyond the numbers, each of his 619 Test wickets tells a tale -- of the triumph of the trier. It says you don't need to be born special, you can work your way and become special. It says success is not an exclusive domain of the wunderkinds and toil is as important as talent.

Indeed, he didn't have the prodigious turn of a Shane Warne, probably because he was not the man for exaggeration. With his brand of leg spin, he would rather probe than poach. And yet, he was successful!

Certain success stories make their way into syllabus. Kumble's should be one, for it spreads hopes and talks about life. It says how an ordinary man can go out and make his own destiny, rather then just playing the part destiny had scripted for him.

Unlike a Warne or a Tendulkar or a Muralitharan, he was no quirk of nature, endowed generously and destined for immortality. Kumble learned and earned it. He was out and out a proud, self-made man.

His achievement transcends the limited boundary ropes of the game and spills into life, for it advocates the triumph of simple and yet so necessary values like commitment, integrity, discipline and dignity.

And it also says nice guys do finish first.

In the heart of heart, I know Kumble was surely not the best. Warne probably has a more logical, statistical and aesthetical claim as well to that. But Jumbo, when I have a kid and he or she grows up, I would love to see him/her persevere through pain, just like you did with a bandaged jaw in Antigua and a stitched finger at Kotla.

Warnie, I'm still in awe of your wile and guile and would have your poster in the study room of my kids. But sorry mate, they would rather have Jumbo as their role model.

Oz vs BP XI...Day Three

1000: Chawla and Ojha tweaking Oz tail. The damage is more than just their bowling figures. I think Punter & Party would go into the Test series with mauled minds and battered confidence. Kumble surely owes a drink to the spin twin. For the Ozzies, they are trembling in their boot, looking as comfortable as someone whose hands are tied with a colony of cockroaches marching over him.

1136: I think speculation should be put to rest about who should open with Hayden in Bangalore. Neither Jaques, nor Katich but Stuart Clark. Come on, he looked better than most. And opening means he would have longer rest before he comes out to bowl. Hope Nielsen reads Doosra.

1516: Badri just got out in a manner that would haunt him for a while. Lee banged it short and wide and Badri had no business chasing it. He was on his toes, I mean literally, and looked like was searching for something to hang his bat on. Walking is fine but after you are picked in the Test squads, scores of 2 and 14 only jeopardises your chances of getting into playing XI.

Oz vs BP XI...Day Two

1026: Protege Pathan must be giving Guru Greg a reason to feel vindicated. Oz attack banging head against brickwall to polish the BP tail. I can see Kumble grinning. Pathan almost exhausted all his luck today before Clark saw his back.

1051: Just witnessed the Sidhu-made-famous Rajendra Talkies cycle stand of Patiala here in Uppal. The same batsmen who were swatting whatever the Aussies hurled at them suddenly looked in a hurry to return to the hut's comfort. The 500-mark looked well within reach before the collapse in heap.

1148: A number of times, Sunny Gavaskar spoke of how umpires made it Australian XIII Down Under. On the other extreme is Shavir Tarapore. BP XI got a couple of bad LBW decisions y'day and now Tarapore turned down Gony's appeal against Hayden. The ball pitched on stumps, rapped him right in front and no movement whatsoever. Can we please cut down on this kind of hospitality for visitors, please?

1247: Just saw Katich saying something to Pragyan Ojha. I have a sneaking suspicion, he was trying to convince Ojha to migrate to Australia. Does the ICC rule book empowers umpires to curb spin trafficking?

1256: To my horror, Piyush Chawla was talking to Ricky Ponting. Hope he didn't say 'I'm readymade..I mean..ready mate.' Anyway from BCCI watching?

1500: Oz bowling looked mediocre and now their batters seem vulnerable. Chawla tormented Ponting before Punter decided offence is the best defence. Except Hussey to some extent, none could really read Chawla. And this is not the free-scoring Aussie side you know. Kumble's grin widening.

Live Irani Trophy Updates at Doosra...Day 2

(Those who want to follow the scores live, you've typed the wrong URL. Those who want things that Neo TV won't show and Cricinfo won't report, welcome aboard. Oops, forgot to say, Doosra reports live from Vadodara IPCL Stadium)

1110 hrs: R P Singh makes peace with sparse crowd. Half an hour back, he was shouting at someone 'Arre, sightscreen ke saamne kya kar raha hai? Hat ja". A few people were hurling some not-so-flattering words to the UP pacer, who finally folded his hands and gestured to the crowd. No love seems lost as those camping near the sightscreen greet him back. No mediator required.

1129: Munaf is emptying his reserve of aggression well before the Oz series. Rajat Bhatia patted back one to the Non-Resident Gujarati pacer who hurled it back hoping Bhatia to do Inzy. Bhatia apparently does not idolises Inzy.

1135: The official scorers in the press box keep calling the Delhi wicketkeeper Puneet BUST. Casting serious aspersion indeed. I bet he would have preferred BEAST. Come on Puneet, show them you are a MAN.

1147: Kumble delivers his second NO BALL, a borderline case. Not impressed, AK has a chat with umpire, probably asking which contact lense he uses.

1151: Officiating under a harsh sun with 11 people screaming into your eardrums and giving you pan-Indian assortment of choicest abuses and ugly stares is not an easy task. Both the umpires seem hungry and can't wait for lunch, checking the time every now and then. Or checking if the watch has stopped ticking.

1158: Y'day, Dravid played Chetanya Nanda as if he was Ajantha Mendis. Today, Puneet Bust...errr I mean Bisht and Raja Bhatia are playing Harbhajan Singh as if he is Jaspal Bhatti.

1310: Watching Munaf Patel chasing a skier ranks among the most hilarious sights you hope to see in cricket. Sangwan hit one off Harbhajan, Munaf reacted as if he had sighted a UFO, chased only to see it land near his ankle and he could not help kicking it, inadvertently of course. As the ball races to the rope, Munaf realises his folly, stoops and picks it but his momentum almost takes him to the other side of the boundary line. To avoid that, Munaf does a little Kangaroo jump and manages to stay inside. Quite an entertainment package in the end!

1322: Zaheer Khan just 'leaked' a ball and both Harbhajan and Pragyan Ojha came rushing to stop it from reaching the boundary line. Ojha is the second substitute for VVS Laxman after Ashok Dinda did the job in the morning. No word on Laxman, has he gone fishing?

1325: Even Ojha has rubbed his trousers red. Is it the clay or the color of the ball? Whatever, cricket should develop a better, and more decent, way of hiding growing cases of dermatosis among its practitioners. And no wonder, you have so many groin injuries to cricketers.

1444: I always felt that insomniacs need not lose hope. All they need is to sit and watch the entire post-lunch session of any domestic tie, preferably with Dravid and Jaffer inaction...I mean in action. Jokes apart, both Dravid and Jaffer have done what they are supposed to. They must be sipping their rich elaichi-flavoured tea with some satisfaction for not allowing Delhi make any inroads in their second essay.

1629: I suspect Ajantha Mendis has done some permanent damage to Dravid, who continues to struggle against Chetanya Nanda. He edged twice, though it didn't carry to the slip. Finally Dravid does a Misbah and scoops it to get some runs.

1846: My swansong update of the day. Talked to Vijay Dahiya, who was upset with Delhi batsmen's shot selection and hailed RoI's superb catching. Meanwhile, I'm fending swarm of hungry mosquitoes in the media box and posting. Got hold of Paddy Upton who informed Laxman is down with food poisoning, hence could not field. "Things are better this afternoon, he's spending less time in loo, you know." Quite a jovial guy.
See you all tomororw.

Of Nadal, asteroid and an Indian XI

The other day, Rafael Nadal, that veritable Spanish bull on two legs, had an asteroid named after him. Here goes an Indian XI and things that could have been named after them:

1. Irfan Pathan = Meteor
2. Ajit Agarkar = Comet
3. Virender Sehwag = Aircraft Safety Hazard
4. Sourav Ganguly = Kamikaze Planes/ Nail Clipper
5. Rahul Dravid = Defence Headquarters
6. Sachin Tendulkar = Peaks/National Museum/Departmental Store
7. S Sreesanth= Tinder Box
8. Ashish Nehra = Band Aid
9. Anil Kumble = Diplomatic Mission
10. Harbhajan Singh = Nuclear Reactor/Volcano
11. Zaheer Khan = Nursing Home.

From toast of the nation to pariah

India doesn’t know how to treat her heroes – Arjuna Ranatunga.

Alas, only the context changes and Ranatunga remains as relevant as ever.

If you’ve followed BCCI moves over the past some months, you tend to believe:

i. it was the forefather of one of the Board mandarins who smote Eddie Hemmings for four sixes in a row to avoid follow-on in that 1990 Lord’s Test;

ii. Anil Kumble is the first Indian to take 400 Test wickets;

iii. India got 175 runs extras in that crucial 1983 World Cup tie against Zimbabwe; and

iv. India won the 1983 World Cup without a helmsman and with a 10-man squad.

Indeed, affluenza-stricken Sharad Pawar and his fellow partners-in-crime in the cash-awash Board have not left any stone unturned in their effort to establish that Kapil Dev simply didn’t exist!

Since aligning with the ICL, Kapil has been ousted from the NCA – a decision yet to be conveyed to him, lost his pension (maybe because he was donating the amount to an NGO dealing with children), plans were dropped to rename the Mohali stadium after him, his mural was removed from the stadium and BCCI grudgingly agreed to felicitate him along with the rest of the 1983 World Cup winning team.

Make no mistake, not that I’m a great admirer of the man. For sure, Kapil keeps dubious company and he may froth at the mouth but all his promoting-cricket blah-blah is complete crap and it was Subhas Chandra’s moolah that led him to ICL.

But how on earth can you deny the fact that he led us to the Holy Grail in 1983 and, apologies to innumerable imposters and perpetual pretenders hovering around, is the only genuine all-rounder produced by India?

The board has treated him like a pariah. He has been dealt as if a stigma, not only a persona non grata but also He Who Should Not Be Seen With.

But what the BCCI pooh-bahs forgot is that cricketers necessitate administrators, and not the other way round. Umpteen Pawars and Modis have come and history has dumped them in the bottomless pit of oblivion. But legends live on.

That magical knock against Zimbabwe, the stunning catch of King Richards running backward…Kapil presided over that unforgettable Triumph of the Underdogs, the biggest upset in the world since David slew Goliath.

You can remove a mural alright. But fortunately, they are yet to discover a way to erase what is etched in the collective memory of the umpteen cricket fans.

How India could have escaped the Motera mauling

Doosra loathes to believe that despite having a mammoth support staff entourage, India could not plot a ploy to avert the mauling they received in Motera.

More than batting collapse, it was sheer lack of ideas, Doosra would put it like that.

Anyway, here are a few ways that could have saved India the second Test against South Africa. (Reading Doosra posts, I reckon, would henceforth be part of Team India’s strategising process.)

1. Motera curator Dhiraj Parsanna’s fault lies not in retaining the grass on track but his lack of pragmatism. Keeping in mind that, traditionally, green has made the Indian batsmen see red, Parsanna should have painted the grass grey. It’s all in the mind of our pampered willowers and you don't need to be a Paddy Upton to realise that.

2. I’m sorry but Anil Kumble has to shoulder some blame as well. After the first innings fiasco, Jumbo and his men should have refused to take to the ground, protesting China’s policy on Tibet; or soaring inflation; or farmers’ suicides in Vidarbhaba despite the BCCI chief doubling up as the Agriculture Minister; or South African cricket board’s transformation policy; or…well activism never runs out of causes, you know.

3. BCCI’s inertia is also to be blamed too. Headquartered in Mumbai, BCCI could have convinced the Shiv Sainiks – with an impressive track (digging) record– that South Africa is actually part of Pakistan and Graeme Smith’s team has no business playing cricket in India. Or you could simply tell them that Kallis & Co are die-hard Amitabh Bachchan fans, who are here to attend the ‘Bhootnath’ premier.

4. In case Shiv Sena was not at hand, Raj Thackeray’s Maharashtra Navnirman Sena – I admit they lack the pitch-digging skill of the Shiv Sainiks -- could be convinced that the South Africans are actually North Indian taxi-drivers and Ahmedabad actually falls under the Brihanmumbai or greater Mumbai.

Image: AFP

Ernie Els a Tendulkar Fan!

Sweet swinging Ernie Els is a Sachin Tendulkar fan!

Els is here in Delhi for the Indian Masters, first European Tour event in the country. After the customary press conference, I managed a one-on-one with ‘The Big Easy’ on condition of mentioning the name of a particular watch, of which Els is the global brand ambassador, in my story.

So I got the chance to get an ‘exclusive’ and half of my questions were, as you might guess, on cricket. Make no mistake, the world number four played cricket, tennis, rugby and golf with the same vigour in his childhood before he decided to swap everything for the club.

Here is what he has to say on Indian cricket:

India is definitely a good cricketing side. I think they are the number two team in the world, right after Australia. They are quite a competitive side and most of their batsmen are quite aggressive.

On Tendulkar:

He is an unbelievable player, one of greatest players ever. I love watching him.

On other players:

Your (One-day) captain Mr Dhoni is also a good striker of the ball. I also like Sourav Ganguly, Virender Sehwag and Rahul Dravid. You have a good (Test) captain in Anil Kumble as well.

On his cricketing days:

I was an all-rounder and bowled medium pace.

Well, cricket’s loss turned out to be golf’s gain. This guy is working on a three-year plan to oust Tiger Woods from the world number one spot.

At 6’4”, Ernie is truly a giant of the game and as was the case, I was looking up to him literally. And when it was over and we shook hands, my small hand was lost in his huge paw. But the guy is a genius and incredibly humble with an air of serenity about him. And he has been a perfect ambassador of the game, traveling to different parts of the globe, even if that meant ruffling the feather of the PGA Tour authority.

When he is not playing, Ernie is into wine making business and he is looking for marketing his labels in India. He also plans to design golf course here at some point of time.

Image: Getty Images

Tributes to Gilchrist

As Adam Gilchrist prepares to hang up his gloves, teammates, former coach, peers and even the Australian Prime Minister doffed their hat at the wonderful entertainer.

Here is a collection of who said what:

Peter Roebuck, noted cricket writer and former Somerset captain:

Adam Gilchrist has given more outright joy to followers of the game than any cricketer since Sir Garfield Sobers. He will be missed as a cricketing force, as a contributor and as an entertainer.

Kim Hughes, former Australia captain:

Wicketkeeper-batsmen will always be compared to Gilly and they will never be as good.

Mark Boucher, days after losing his world record to Gilly:

He revolutionised the game in terms of being a wicketkeeper-batsman…He is the guy who set the tone for everyone else in the game, and he has changed it forever.

Rod Marsh, former Aussie stumper:

…whoever replaces him will have enormous shoes to fill.

Sourav Ganguly:

… he must be the greatest wicketkeeper-batsman ever.

Kevin Ruud, Australian Prime Minister:

As his prime minister (I) said, 'Gilly you need to reconsider,' and he told me he wasn't.

Ian Healy, who lost his place in the side to Gilly.

It's very easy to talk about his batting, but it was his glovework right from day one, in his first Test match in Brisbane, that I liked.

John Buchanan, former coach:

Possibly his loss is more than even Shane Warne and Glenn McGrath.

Jason Gillespie:

He just loved being around the lads in the dressing room, having a laugh.

Anil Kumble:

He changed the way countries would look at wicketkeepers.

Kumar Sangakkara:

He pioneered the wicketkeeper-batsman role.

England ODI captain Paul Collingwood gives voice to what bowlers worldwide felt:

Thank God for that.

Image: AFP

Doosra Annual Award

Considering the year that has gone by, or going by, Doosra decided to have its own annual award ceremony. And as usual, Doosra is open to suggestions.

The Hate-Pyjama-Uderwear-Etc. Society Man the Year: VVS Laxman

The Peter Pan Scroll: Sachin Tendulkar

The Albert Pinto Memorial Angry Youngman of the Year: S Sreesanth

The Albert Pinto Memorial Angry Not-So-Youngman of the Year: Dilip Vengsarkar:

The Jimmy Amarnath Comeback Kid Award: Sourav Ganguly

The Say-No-To-Haircut Society Man of the Year: MS Dhoni

The Annual Me-Too Award: Joginder Singh

The BLTN (Better Late Than Never) Medallion & special award from NMFF (Nice-Man-Finishes-First) Circle: Anil Kumble

I-Look-Clown-With-A-Crown Citation: Rahul Dravid

Got-Pyjama-Want-Flannel Shield: Yuvraj Singh

Hail-Brinkmanship Fellowship: Sharad Pawar

Discovery-of-the-Year: Gary Kirsten

English-Molestation Community’s Person of the Year & Funny-Bone-On-Legs medal: Niranjan Shah

Annual Gone-With-The-Wind Award & Sunk-Without-Trace Statuette: Greg Chappell

Mint-in-Suit Award: Lalit Modi

Pariah-of-the-Year: Jagmohan Dalmiya

Emperor-Struck Rolling Trophy: Kapil Dev

The David-Whose-Sling-Is-In Goliath’s-Hands Award: Subhash Chandra

God-of-Small-Things Rolling Trophy: Indian cricket team (shorter the format, better they do).

Of catcalls, monkey chants, Guy the Gorilla and Incredible India!

Well, finally the ill-tempered Ind-Aus ODI series is over. While the BCCI, Cricket Australia and ICC dwell on the degree of racism, I’ve been taken aback by the discrimination displayed by cricket players and administrators towards the animal kingdom at large!

Reams have been written about monkey chants and reporters/columnists foamed in the mouth explaining how racist it was. But did anyone bother to spare a thought for the hapless monkeys?

For starters, catcalls are not considered compliments, but why is it that monkey chants constitute racial abuse? I mean this is a serious prejudice that has in fact the entire monkey species up in arms, knocking the door of the Simian Primates Rights Organisation, demanding an answer.

Much to the monkeys’ dismay, cricketers walk in hoping to have a WHALE of a time out there, commentators’ hail HAWKeye, tailenders are called RABBITS and FERRETS, fielders are positioned in COW corner and the entire Bangladesh team boasts of being the TIGERS. Scratching furiously their heads, the monkeys simply don’t know why cricket has no problems with other animals but all hell breaks loose when it comes to monkeys!

In fact it has been a long-standing injustice that continues to upset the monkeys. Knighted Ian Botham does not object to his nickname Guy the GORRILLA; Arun Lal does not mind being called PIGGY; Ajit Agarkar remains the Mumbai DUCK: and then you have Joel “Big BIRD” Garner, Darren “RHINO” Gough, Anil “JUMBO” Kumble, Clive “Super CAT” Lloyd, Glenn “PIGEON” McGrath, Dave “TADPOLE” Mohammed, Graeme “Little DOG” Pollock, Peter “Big DOG” Pollock…well the list is endless.

And finally, I must share a doubt of mine. Did part of the Indian crowd really intend to insult Andrew Symonds when they hurled those monkey chants and aped the apes at Wankhede? My doubt is that the Australians simply went bananas in this case and before you bay for my headstrong head, let me explain.

Indian culture is a marriage of tradition and modernity and hence vulnerable to misinterpretation by ill-informed critics. Well, first get our basics right. Man’s evolution from monkey is something taught in schools and I believe therein lies the secret.

Well, those who know Hindi know that “Are, Yeh To Baap Nikla!” is a compliment of highest order by an awestruck speaker, which literally would mean “Gosh! He Proved Our Father” but would actually mean,”He proved who’s the boss.”

Andrew Symonds has been the batting mainstay for Australia in the series against India and when he came to bat in the last ODI at Wankhede, two gentlemen – bona fide ambassadors of Indian culture – aped monkeys to imply “Are Yeh To Baap Se Bhi Aage (which means forefathers= monkeys) Nikla”.

Now if that tribute is misconstrued as racial abuse, one can only hope that next time other teams visit India, they just get versed with the culture here to avoid any misunderstanding about Incredible India.

Image: Getty Images

Take a bow, Jhulan!

So it’s official. Blue Billion, eat your heart out. They maybe demigods back home but the naked truth is the Men in Blue simply do not match up to the best in the business. And you have International Cricket Council (ICC) to vouch for that.

The ICC shortlist for its annual award doesn’t include a single player from the bunch led by Rahul Dravid. However, for India, the lone saving grace is Jhulan Goswami, that beanpole from the women’s team who is in the fray for the Women Cricketer of the Year award.

Australian captain Ricky Ponting is gunning for his second Sir Garfield Sobers Trophy as the Cricketer of the Year, even though the field has ‘former’ Pakistan run-glutton Mohammad Yousuf (who has deserted Pakistan Cricket Board and defected to Indian Cricket League), spin-phobe Kevin Pietersen and West Indian Shivnarine Chanderpaul of the anti-glare-strips-beneath-the-eyes fame.

The initial ICC long list had Zaheer Khan and Anil Kumble in the 'Test Player of the Year' category, while Yuvraj Singh figured in the ODI list. But when ICC announced a pruned up list, the Team India troika could not be sighted there.

Instead, Jhulan shines in company of Lisa Sthalekar (Australia) and Claire Taylor (England) and whether she wins the award or not, she has already stolen a march over her spoilt cousins in the Team India ranks. And for those unfamiliar with her, Jhulan bowls at a steady 120 kmph, slightly better than what a certain Irfan Pathan does these days.

For those who have not seen Jhulan in action, imagine Glenn McGrath undergoing a certain operation and turning up with the cherry in his…er…her…I mean, whatever, hand. The same, smooth run-up and the ability to land the ball on its seam delivery after delivery.

Jhulan was India’s vice captain in last year’s tour of England and left serious psychological dent in the opponent camp with her scorching pace. Thanks to her show, her side won the Test series there, and she the Player of the Series award.

So while we gloat and bloat over Dravid’s men’s comeback in the ODI series, spare a thought for Jhulan and take our hats off.

ICC Shortlist:

Cricketer of the Year: Shivnarine Chanderpaul (WI), Kevin Pietersen (Eng) ,Ricky Ponting (Aus) Mohammed Yousuf (Pak)

Test Player: Muttiah Muralitharan (SL), Kevin Pietersen (Eng), Ricky Ponting (Aus) , Mohammad Yousuf (Pak)

ODI Player: Matthew Hayden (Aus), Jacques Kallis (SA), Glenn McGrath (Aus), Ricky Ponting (Aus)

Emerging Player: Ravinder Bopara (Eng), Shakib Al Hasan (Bang), Shaun Tait (Aus), Ross Taylor (NZ)

Captain of the Year: Mahela Jayawardene (SL), Ricky Ponting (Aus)

Associate ODI Player of the Year: Ashish Bagai (Can), Thomas Odoyo (Ken), Ryan ten Doeschate (Neth), Steve Tikolo (Ken)

Umpire of the Year: Mark Benson, Steve Bucknor, Simon Taufel

Women's Cricketer of the Year: Jhulan Goswami (Ind), Lisa Sthalekar (Aus), Claire Taylor (Eng)

Image: Touchline Photo

Team India's Life After World Cup!

And if popular mood is allowed to decide their fate, this is where you would stumble on the Team India players in the future.

Anil Kumble



Zaheer Khan


Ajit Agarkar


Yuvraj Singh


Rahul Dravid




(Sachin Tendulkar)


Virender Sehwag


Sourav Ganguly

Robin Uthappa

Kumble Quits ODI: Well Done Jumbo!

As we had discussed in this blog earlier, Anil Kumble finally quit ODI. The reticent, industrious leggie deserved to go on a high but that was not to be. Inzamam-ul Haq, who broke down after his ODI swansong, lamented he had planned to go head held high but he was simply not destined for the honour. Kumble can’t be blamed for feeling the same.

Jumbo has been the ultimate team man, India’s go-to bowler. He would bowl on and on from one end. As many as 337 wickets from 271 one-dayers at an average of 30.89 would have made any lesser mortal proud but Kumble somehow managed to be a certainty in ODI squad. It would have hit him where it hurts most every time Harbhajan Singh was preferred over him.

What amazes me is the tremendous odds he overcame. In an era when Shane Warne and Muttiah Muralitharan tied the batsmen in tangles, spinning web around them, Kumble was almost a pacer in spinner’s disguise. Unlike Warne and Murali, his bowling was more grits and guts and not guiles. He would change the pace, maintain an unerring line and get that kick from the pitch to trouble every batsman under the Sun. And he never relaxed.

He was more on song in white flannels than the colourful pajama. He would brave a fractured jaw to come out and bowl in a 2005 Antigua Test but his day in the Sun had come an year earlier, when he got that Perfect 10, equaling Jim Laker’s record of taking all 10 wickets in a Test innings.

We mocked his loose-limbed action, laughed at the lack of turn, ridiculed his batting and fielding and yet, day in and day out, the captain would throw the ball to him, expecting him to either earn a breakthrough or stem the run flow. And Kumble invariably succeeded in either of the two. We are unlikely to see another spinner of his kind.