If Not A Cricketer...

...Sachin Tendulkar would have been Albert Einstein!

And it does not take rocket science or any theory of relativity to figure out why.

If you correctly recall Tendulkar in his early days and compare his mop on top with that of the Nobel Laureate, the first thing that strikes you is their common gravity-defying streak!

So there you realize, the inkling was there and pretty early too. It's only that we missed the point.

Peep into their private life and there they come, walking down the aisle with elderly ladies. As a footnote, Einstein scored over Tendulkar, doing an encore subsequently.

Let's get into serious business.

Einstein propounded E = mc2. Tendulkar's riposte was a solid T20 = Dessert, an equally revolutionary formula with a gastronomic tinge about it.

Einstein was considered a science icon but Tendulkar does not lag behind either.

In fact, Tendulkar is a certified Mumbai Indians icon and the attestation was done by none other than Lalit Modi, the then master of the T20 universe.

And if you still insist on similarities, here goes the clincher.

If Einstein is the Father of Modern Physics, Tendulkar is...well...father of two.

Now that should settle the issue once and for all.

P.S. Those who prefer it the other way round, read If Paris Hilton Been a Cricketer and Had Harry Potter Been A Cricketer elsewhere at BCC!.

(A reproduction of a September 11, 2009 post)

Cartoon: toonpool.com

SCOOP: International Cricket-Stricken Animals’ Conclave

While the chumps in the mainstream media sedulously twiddled their thumbs in the comfort of their air-conditioned offices, Doosra risked life to get you an exclusive.

An agitated herd of angry animals recently had a clandestine meeting where they blasted cricket and cricketers for making their life miserable.

Here are exclusive excerpts from the Inaugural International Cricket-Stricken Animals' Conclave:

1. Crocodile (S Africa): Guys, as you all know, one can't ignore hygiene these days. After you had a sumptuous deer for lunch, all you want is to muse open-mouthed, while those birds clean your teeth. But peace is never on us. Before you know what is what, you suddenly find yourself in a tangle with Dale Steyn, who insists this is the best way to prepare for a series against Australia. I feel like crying but can't because you'd say I'm shedding crocodile tears.

2. Cat (England): Well, I would say physical pain is bearable but what about mental agony? By the way, I’m Max and I die hundred deaths every time I say Graeme Swann owns me. Cops caught the bugger drink-driving and you know what the !@#$%^&* told them? He said he was tight but had to drive to buy a screwdriver and get me out of a trap! Trap my foot, have you heard a sillier excuse?

3. Mosquito(Sri Lanka): I can sympathise with you. Frankly speaking, I've lost my faith in humanity as a whole. I bit Yuvraj Singh the other day and gifted Virat Kohli a place in the playing XI. Well, one does not expect a drop of blood but a word of acknowledgment would surely not have been amiss? But what you get in the pre-match interview? Not a single word of gratitude from Kohli! This new generation, just taking things for granted.

4. Cricket: I seriously feel you guys are overreacting. All you whine about is one-off incident. What about the daily humiliation we go through? Our grasshopper cousins have already started making fun of us. A small cricket is ridiculed as T20, a bigger one called a Test…I wonder what the world is coming to!

5. Cockroach (Mohali): See, I'm not the Paris Hilton type, always publicity-hungry. Apart from occasionally appearing from nowhere to scare the hell out of the girls, we are a self-effacing community. Once I mistaken trod on Chris Broad's food and he made such a hue and cry, mentioning it in the ICC Match Referee's report. It brought so much of unwanted publicity that I had to kiss my private life goodbye.

6. Donkey (Pakistan): Don't you guys think that all these sound simple whining when compared to the treatment we were subjected to? Butt, Asif and Aamer filled their boots and we were pelted! We have been around for donkey’s years but I can tell you we never had to go through such mental agony and physical pain put together.

7. Calf (Ranchi): I can tell you the life of a calf is not an easy one when you live in Ranchi. Do you have any idea how starvation death looms large over our community? And all because Dhoni has got this silly idea in his fat head that he has to guzzle four litter milk a day to stay fit! I hope you don't mind but all these talk of mental agony and unwanted publicity is pure gibberish when the very existence of me and my cousins is at stake.

Sehwag redefines beauty

Beauty lies in the eyes of the beholder. Or something to that effect.

That was by and large what Messrs Shakespeare & Franklin told us and needless to say we took them at face value.

Untangled, the saying basically means you may categorise Paris Hilton as God's unfinished project but there would always be colossal fatheads like Cristiano Ronaldo who would drool over her, even if momentarily.

Or take the vastly polarising act of spitting on others for instance.

While it's generally accepted as one of the five sureshot ways of incurring a black eye, the same act would endear you no end if the other guy happens to speak Maa, worship Engai and live in an Inkajijik somewhere in Masai Mara.

It's a matter of perception, we are told.

Now sample this:

In the dressing room they told me I was hitting the good balls too. But if you look at it my way I hit only the bad ones.

Don't allow the Team India bonhomie con you. Sehwag clearly doesn't see eye-to-eye with his teammates when it comes to the aesthetics of a delivery.

What his teammates perceive as good appears simply rotten to him.

He has redefined batting. Now Sehwag redefines beauty.

Let's get the saying right. Lack of beauty lies in the eyes of the beholder.

(P.S. Revisit the 7 tenets of Sehwag's batting)

Cricket loses masculinity!

Somewhere something extraordinary has happened.

And it's graver than allowing George W Bush to formulate English grammar or asking Paris Hilton to head the next NASA project.

Cricket has just become less masculine!

Of course you had the omens in Alastair Cook's mascara, RP Singh's eyeliner and Nathan Bracken's hairband but here comes the definitive confirmation.

A bunch of eunuchs has beaten their male counterparts. And lest there is any confusion, let me make it clear that I'm not talking about Ashes.

After third man and third umpire, the third sex made its debut in cricket somewhere in Sindh, Pakistan.

A BBC report claims the eunuchs chased down a 66-run target from eight overs with such aplomb that some of the ICC Full Members are lucky that they were not there.

Chasing down those cars on the traffic signal was finally of some use, the winning captain later revealed.

Teams that tend to choke in their chase can give it a try, he...err...she...or... whatever said.

While most coaches dismissed it as a madcap idea, John Buchanan is rumoured to have found some logic in it and is looking for a team where he can put it in practice.

Pix: BBC News

Had Paris Hilton been a cricketer!

Going by the feedback, some people are yet to recover from my earlier rambling -- Had Harry Potter Been a Cricketer at Bored Cricket Crazy Indians.

Those who doubted that I'm off my onion, here goes the confirmation.

Had Paris Hilton been a cricketer.

Last of the Mohicans

Sourav Ganguly would vouch, Andrew Flintoff often struggled to keep his shirt on.

This time, Freddie sheds flannel to retain pyjama. Test Cricket, on its part, can surely find a lonely, dingy corner and shed a tear or two to mourn the exit of the Last of its Mohicans.

I’m afraid we won’t see his like again. The era of 24-carat all-rounders is just behind us. Welcome to a new world where imposters in the all-rounder’s garb would fool around.

ICC rankings would want us believe Mitchell Johnson is world’s number two all-rounder and Chaminda Vaas ranks fifth. But then ICC’s understanding of the game rivals Paris Hilton’s grasp of rocket science and both come with the unmistakable ‘Not To Be Taken Seriously’ tag.

In his approach, Flintoff was a throwback to an era where the popular notion was that an all-rounder should be good enough to merit two places in the side, one for bowling and another for batting.

Now, take Garfield Sobers out of the action. He could bowl pace and spin, at times both in the same over, keep wicket and then hit a poor Malcolm Nash for six sixes in an over. He could be Clark Kent’s estranged sibling endowed with equal supernatural ability and a markedly better sartorial taste.

Soon after the Kapil-Imran-Botham-Hadlee quartet left the scene, batting pie-chuckers and bowling sloggers thronged the dais and statistics – often confounding than enlightening – were thrown up at regular intervals to prove their all-round credentials.

You don’t have to strain your eyes to see the clowns fooling around. Underneath the garb, Shane Watsons and Yusuf Pathans are essentially bits-and-pieces players of some utility but anything but all-rounders.

Unlike them, Flintoff, in between his injury rehabs, sent down real 90mph thunderbolts from an awkward angle and then returned to wield the willow with impunity.

More importantly, he was match-winner with both.

His foibles only endeared him and make no mistake, it’s people like him who ensured bums on seats.

Above all, Flintoff was the rare flicker of flair in an otherwise mass of mediocrity that is English cricket.

I insist, Test cricket is all about romanticism and if you don’t like, you are free to frequent the nearby Twenty20 circus.

MCC diagnoses Test cricket is dying and their optimism simply baffles me. They might declare Michael Jackson alive!

Pix: PA

No pretension please, we hate Test cricket

Unless someone calls their bluff and comes up with decisive evidence, Bangladesh have won their second Test match. Please note, their last win came against Zimbabwe in 2005.

And Adam Gilchrist still moans the lack of Olympic spirit in the sub-continent.

Again, unless someone calls the bluff, Bangla Tigers beat West Indies.

Now don't ask how much West Indies. It would suffice to say that the assortment was led by a certain Floyd Reifer who had played his last Test when Bill Clinton was battling 'Monicagate', George W Bush's English grammar classes were confined to Texas and Paris Hilton had just been expelled from school in what was the first concrete sign of becoming the scourge of humanity that she is today.

Now how this win helps Bangladesh, perhaps the biggest sceptic of its own Test status, is beyond me.

And how the defeat helps West Indies Cricket Board to get even with the boycotting players is equally beyond me.

No pretension please. We don't love Test cricket.

7 lucky charms that can revive Oz fortune

I feared earth will come to a screeching halt on its axis, Paris Hilton will be either canonised or cannon-foddered and Harbhajan Singh would spend an entire season without slapping teammates/abusing opponents/ruffling BCCI lawyers.

But miracles do happen and somehow we all survived despite Australia no more being the numero uno ODI side.

More than anything else, Doosra tends to believe that Punter & Party have been done in by poor luck on more than one occasion and suggests, free of cost, seven lucky charms the Ozzies need to bring the stars back on their side:

1. Beckham’s Goldenbuns: A strange pre-derby ritual takes place at AC Milan these days where teammates squeeze David Beckham’s buns, for it guarantees win! Beckham meanwhile goes down in soccer history as the lone footballer whose legs were not his most valuable physical asset.

2. Shammi Kapoor: Cricket Australia need to make a music album for each tournament and get it released by Shammi Kapur. Come on, it doesn’t cost them a fortune for they already have a crooner in Brett Lee. This ritual has worked wonders for Aamir Khan over the years and no reason why Australia won’t benefit from it.

3. James Carville’s underwear: History remembers Carville – the spin doctor who masterminded Bill Clinton’s successful 1992 presidential campaign. -- didn’t change it for an extended period to ensure success. Ricky Ponting can surely borrow the talismanic piece of cloth from Carville and walk out for toss.

4. Roy Emerson’s shorts: If borrowing/exporting underwear, that too a used one, doesn’t exactly appeal them, there is a ‘shorts-cut’ way and they don’t need to travel all the way to USA either. Aussie tennis legend Roy Emerson used to wear a pair of lucky shorts to extend his winning streak. Why doesn’t Cricket Australia borrow it from ‘Emmo’ and make replicas and dole out?

5. Steve Waugh’s red hanky: The source of the legendary red rag obduracy. Chances are high 'Tugga' threw away the soiled piece of cloth and a neighbourhood Kangaroo chewed it up. Still what’s harm in making a query?

6. Red Shirt on Sundays: No need to get shirty at the suggestion. Ever cared to know secrets of Tiger Woods’ success?

7. Obama’s Trinkets: CA should use the diplomatic channel and ask PM Kevin Rudd to convince Barack Obama to part with his trinkets. (Statutory Warning: The trinkets include idol of a monkey god and hence all precautions should be taken before handing it over to Andrew Symonds.)

Pix: eclectech.co.uk

Who is this imposter in cricket’s garbs?

It was one of those days when you regret working in the sports desk. Calculator was out and eyes glued to television as cricketers, in an unprecedented move, went under the hammer and their high-profile, deep-pocket bidders hammer and tongs.

Mind-boggling figures and strings of never-ending zeroes -- is it the game I claimed to be so familiar with? Or is it actually a garbled annual budget of Mr P Chidambaram, which somehow got leaked? Is not the business desk a better choice to handle the issue?

And finally I found myself confronting the question -- who is this imposter?

Richard Madley, the Dreweatts auctioneer who otherwise specializes in oriental carpet probably did not have an idea of the magnitude of the event. But he can’t be blamed either. See, Ricky Ponting is sulking he went cheap. And the likes of Brendan McCullum can’t stop laughing.

The Indian Premier League auction left me with an awful feeling. Only Paris Hilton could have been more brazen.

When industry is ready to pump in money, resisting the temptation is the actual challenge for the administrators. Succumbing to the lure should not be trumpeted around.

Cricket does need money, to ensure that the Aminis of Papua New Guinea continue to strive for excellence; to help Arjuna Ranatunga at the helm of a cash-strap board to efficiently run the domestic tournaments in Sri Lanka; to make sure that youngsters see a career in cricket.

But if cricket needs money, it needs its aura as well. When a kid picks up the bat or holds the ball fort the first time in his palm, career is a word he would probably misspell and to him, money’s only perceived worth is it can be bartered for a lozenge. More than money, he needs heroes. Heroes who would make grand appearance in his innocent dreams, inspire him to rise above himself and tell him to live his dreams.

Sadly, those who offer their soul under the hammer do not fit into this hero’s role.

Blinded by his Twenty20 vision, Lalit Modi understandably fails to see it but cricket actually got pauper on February 20.