10 Books Unlikely To Be Written In India

Doosra interviews Shastri after spat with Ganguly

As if losing India head coach's job was not bad enough, Ravi Shastri picked a fight with, of all people, Sourav Ganguly.

As it happens in any scrap with Ganguly, and a significant chunk of Australian population will vouch for it, the experience has been rather unpleasant for Shastri.

Shastri was naturally downbeat when Doosra met him but still agreed to bare his heart in this interview.

Excerpts from an interview which ended abruptly due to circumstances.

Doosra: Did the interview took place in a cordial atmosphere?
Shastri: No complaint about the atmosphere. I was sitting in a Thai beach, beer in hand and shaking a leg with the hip, young crowd. The atmosphere was electrifying and as the day progressed, it was only going to get hotter.

Doosra: Well, when you applied for the job, what was your expectation?
Shastri: Look boss. I'm a cool customer. I approached it with lot of positivity. I knew if I want to win it, I need to play well. I have the experience, I knew the guys on the panel and naturally I thought that all three results were possible.

Doosra: Err, all three?
Shastri: Yes. Me getting the job, they giving me the job and the job coming to me -- all three results looked fairly possible.

Doosra: That's probably taking it for granted. But why from Thailand and via Skype? Why didn't you, like Anil Kumble, appear in person?
Shastri: Just what the doctor ordered.

Doosra: Sorry?
Shastri: I mean that's what the doctor told me. Coaching and commentary put me under lot of stress. My family physician suggested I take a break and go to a beach somewhere. So I took the aerial route!

Doosra: But Kumble made a proper two-hour presentation and your spoke barely for 45 minutes.
Shastri: To hell with five-day tests and two-hour presentations. What's wrong with 45-minute presentations? I began with "KOLKATA, ARE YOU READY!" That should have been enough.

Doosra: Evidently that was not enough. Anyway, 57 people applied for the job. Do you think eventually it boiled down to you and Kumble?
Shastri: Look boss, it was a pressure cooker scenario. Anil was firing on all cylinders, so I upped the ante. It was going down to the wire. In the end, cricket, I mean Anil, was the real winner. All because of that @#$%^&* Ganguly.

Doosra: You think Sourav has a problem with you?
Shastri: How would I know? He left even before my interview began. But all three results are possible?

Doosra: Like?
Shastri: Like - he hates me, he loathes or he detests me.

Doosra: One must say that you started it by accusing him of showing "disrespect". How hurt were you by the way he hit back?
Shastri: When he hits, it stays hit. He went for the jugular.

Doosra: In the end, what do you think clinch it for Kumble?
Shastri: He got good 'purchase' from the wicket (winks).

Doosra: You think it could have been different had you been physically present at the interview?
Shastri: Maybe they didn't like me doing it from abroad. Remember, we are dealing in boundaries here!

Doosra: When did you realise the finger has gone up?
Shastri: When I saw Ganguly was absent. By the way, I got a feeling here - that you are making fun of me. Are you?

Doosra: All three results are possible.
Shastri: Like?

Doosra: Like -- mocking you, ridiculing you or taking the mickey out of you.
Shastri: No half-measures here, will come after you like a tracer bullet...

Exclusive: Sourav Ganguly interview

Doosra interviewed Sourav Ganguly at Eden Gardens soon after he became the CAB president.

As his wont, dada was two hours late for the interview but he sort of made up with his frank views on Bengal and Indian cricket.

He chewed his nails throughout the interview until he was sufficiently manicured.

The tangled mass of assorted chains and lockets also made an appearance as he undid the first two buttons of his shirt which he, despite occasional provocations, did not take off or swirl.

We produce the interview verbatim below:

Doosra: Ah, here you are. We thought you won’t turn up at all.
Sourav Ganguly: Sorry, I’m late but don’t you think you should have got used to it by now? Bhagwan ke ghar der hain andher nahi. And you forgot they called me God of the off-side?

Doosra: Well, you have a point there, and a gully as well. Anyway, how does it feel to be the boss of Bengal cricket?
SG: Long ago, I asked “aapne dada ko bhule to nahin?” They proved they have not. I thank them for making me CAB boss though, honestly, I expected to lead ICC if not the UN. Anyway, CAB is a good launchpad I guess.

Doosra: So what are your plans for Bengal cricket?
SG: I promise a swift turnaround in Bengal cricket. They won’t have to wait for it like Steve Waugh had to wait for me at toss (bursts into laughter).

Doosra: Many expect you to identify youngsters who would form the nucleus of the future Bengal team, just as you did as Team India captain.
SG: I’m glad you asked this question. Well, I have decided Sehwag, Yuvraj, Kaif, Bhajji and Zaheer will form the core of the future Bengal team.

Doosra: What! But they are nearly done with competitive cricket and they play for other states!
SG: Sorry, I meant Sehwag junior, Yuvraj junior, Bhajji junior...See, it’s an ambitious, unprecedented project. Sehwag is so pissed off with Delhi that he won’t mind even if his son plays for Andaman Nicobar in Ranji Trophy. We have convinced Bhajji to get married soon and talks are on with Yuvraj as well to graduate from pie-chucker to bachelorhood-chucker. These are the baby steps for revival of Bengal cricket, if you know what I mean (winks).

Doosra: Quite radical, one must say.
SG: Yes, and if the plan materialises, it would rob other states of their own talents and enrich Bengal. So you can say I’m killing two Dickie Birds with one Sharon Stone -- I picked it from Sidhu, by the way.

Doosra: Hope you realise that cricket administration is not going to be a bed of roses. There will be people resisting every step. How do you plan to tackle them?
SG: Chappal se nahi, Chappell se maarunga. I will treat them like I used to treat left-arm spinners. You don’t worry about that.

Doosra: And what about Shah Rukh Khan?
SG: What about him?

Doosra: I mean he treated you badly at KKR, stripping you of captaincy then kicking you out of the team. Are we going to see him being banned at Eden Gardens just like he was at Wankhede?
SG: Don’t be silly. We are grown up men. I have put the entire KKR episode behind me. However, other members decided Shah Rukh will have to walk on his hands every time he wants to enter Eden Gardens, balancing an egg on a spoon in his mouth and two lighted candles on his soles. Well, I can’t always ignore majority view, you see. (winks)

Doosra: What are the reforms you have in mind for Bengal cricket?
SG: To improve our running between-the-wicket, we plan to abolish it altogether. We want our future generation batsmen to score only with 4s and 6s. We commissioned a study that suggests taking singles and twos significantly impedes a batsman’s ability to hit 4s and 6s in the same over, apart from greatly enhancing run-out risks. I agree, it’s not worth the risk.

Doosra: There is a rumour that your wife would be roped in as the team’s batting consultant. That’s not true for sure?
SG: What’s wrong with that? Dona will help our batsmen get their footwork right. Against the spinners, they need to come dancing down the track and who better than a professional dancer to teach them how to do it? Also she gets bored at home knitting sweater for me and the kids.

Doosra: And why did CAB choose Salman Khan, of all people, as the brand ambassador?
SG: I suspect you’re not aware of it but taking off shirt is universally recognized as a cathartic exercise, and my experience is no different. Modern cricket is much more stressful and the players need an outlet for their pent-up angst. Look at Salman, he has got into all sorts of troubles and still remains sane because he frequently goes topless. Besides, we wanted to tap into his hit-and-run experience. (winks)

Doosra: What is your immediate target as CAB chief?
SG: To get Ashok Dinda back down to earth. Poor lad, has leapt so high since his last delivery that got awkwardly stuck in one of the trees in maidan. Fire Brigade guys have reached there with ladder etc. Maybe we need to fill his boots with stones to keep him grounded or tether him to the stumps.

Doosra: And what’s your long-term target as the boss of Bengal cricket?
SG: To lead Bengal to a position where BCCI and eventually ICC will beg for CAB membership.

Wimbledonitis strikes Indian cricket

Indian cricket's worst-kept secret is out, and remember you read it here first.

Some of the biggest names in Indian cricket have recently been diagnosed with what medics are calling Wimbledonitis -- an irrepressible urge to be at the Wimbledon, especially for the men's competition.

"Wimbledon has become his personal Vaishno Devi," said a family member of one of those cricketers, requesting anonymity.

"It's to him is what Cannes is to Sonam Kapoor. Come July and he wakes up, as if in a trance, takes a shower, puts on his best suit, dangles a tie from his neck and leaves for airport without uttering a word where he is going," she said.

"After a day or two, just when we're on the verge of contacting police, he resurfaces at Wimbledon's Centre Court. We used to panic a lot, but now getting used to it."

BCCI has appointed a leading psychiatrist to look into the case but the mystery rages on.

"I don't want to sound an alarmist but the ailment is spreading like a rumour of salacious nature in a gossip-starved neighbourhood," said Dr Mannjeet Mann, shaking head in disappointment.

"I'm yet to go to the bottom of this but it looks like a Curse of the White and most vulnerable are the recently retired ones.

"Wimbledon's predominantly white dress casts a natural spell on the psyche of the test players. That explains the strong pull they succumb to.

"It's an attraction as strong as the one Odysseus felt passing through the colony of the Sirens who lured sailors with their enchanting music."

Economists have also waded into the topic.

"It's very simple. Considering the food inflation here, it's actually cheaper to fly to London and eat strawberry-and-cream there than buy those here," said one of them.

According to a conspiracy theorist, Wimbledon was merely a ruse.

"The cricketers used it to fly to England and eat Maggi there. Remember, UK's Food Standards Agency has announced it safe," he said.

Dr Mann insisted it would be silly to underestimate the epidemic.

"This year we have had three of them -- Sachin Tendulkar, Sourav Ganguly and Virat Kohli at the Royal Box.

"And we have definitive proof now, of how it affects your intellectual faculties. A day after this, Tendulkar found himself lost in an Oxfordshire village and sent frantic SOS to get him out of there.

"It all probably started long back. Remember, tennis elbow didn't exist in India before he developed one."

Why This Year’s Nobel Peace Prize Sucks

First a confession. Still in the clutch of a post-lunch siesta, initially I read this year’s Nobel Peace prize has gone to Kailash Kher and Malaika Arora which seemed to me a fair even if somewhat a left-field choice.

After all, Kher, even at the height of his fame, looks a perfectly humble and peaceful guy even though history tells us most of civilisation’s worst tyrants, such as Attila the Hun, Hitler and Don Bradman, have been people who traded vertical growth for career growth leaving (runs and) ruins in their wake.

Malaika was not an unnatural choice either, having done her bit in maintaining peace in
a Mumbai household which tops the muscle-per-family-member table but is not exactly known for emotional stability.

Furious rubbing of eyes revealed the jury has, not for the first time or last, made a complete ass of itself and has gone ahead and gifted it to some Kailash Satyarthi and Malala Yousafzai instead.

If you ask me, this year’s Nobel Peace prize should be called LoC, something India and Pakistan share and neither looks completely happy with the arrangement.

If you’ve seen his photos that have started littering the front pages of the newspapers, you’d agree with me what Satyarthi actually needed is not a Nobel prize but a stout razor and a tube of shaving cream. With the money he now has, he can obviously secure a lifetime supply of shaving kit but that’s a roundabout way of doing things.

What is more baffling is they made him share it with Malala Yousafzai. It’s not a paani-puri that you serve to a teenage girl and ask her to share it with her neighbourhood chacha.

Spare a thought for the girl! The poor girl is still recovering from the trauma of being shot by the Talibans and instead of helping her recuperate, you give her a nasty shock. Have a heart!

One completely understands the jury’s compulsion. Under a secret agreement, they have to announce a winner every year for the award that Alfred Nobel had started, for reasons best known to him, or be blown up by the good Swede’s most famous invention – dynamite.

What one doesn’t is their queer choice even when you had at least another dozen candidates who deserved it more.

Baba Siddique for instance. The Bandra MLA did the Bollywood equivalent of making Sourav Ganguly feed Greg Chappell with his right hand while fanning the feisty Aussie with his left. Siddique facilitated the epoch-making hug between Shah Rukh Khan and Salman Khan, whose followers, historians and Bollywood analysts predict, would fight World War III. If that doesn’t qualify for a Nobel then I don’t know what does.

One would go to the extent of saying that it could have been given to any Newshour panelist, for showing exemplary restraint and resisting the temptation to throttle Arnab Goswami.

And if the jury was keen on springing an obscure Indian in an unsuspecting world, Adi Pocha should have received it even if belatedly. Nobody spread peace more than Pocha has. He spread “Shanti” over 807 episodes and Mandira Bedi has not looked back since.

(Pix: DNA)
(P.S. Hope all realise it’s a humour piece and means no disrespect to anyone, however worthy)

Sourav Ganguly As Shah Jahan!

Be it his running-between-wicket or agility in the outfield, Sourav Ganguly, in his long and glorious career, has rarely lagged behind when it comes to contributing mirth.

Here Dada takes it to a new level, in his rose-sniffing Shah Jahan avatar.

(Pix courtesy: Mir of Radio Mirchi)

7 Indian Neologisms

1. Aaramkhor (n) : Idle loafer.

"!&?@#!#%&! You misfielded again!" Virat Kohli thundered into Rohit Sharma’s eardrum. "We are working our socks off and here you are loafing around! Saale aaramkhor!"

2. Agreeculture (n): Corporate culture where subordinates mindlessly agree to whatever their boss says.

The CEO is an ignorant moron but his subordinates don’t have the guts to tell him that. It’s a company which expects you to agree to whatever the boss says. I can't survive in an agreeculture like that.

3. Andolone (n): Fight a movement alone.

Anna Hazare began his anti-establishment movement alone before the Arvind Kejriwals joined him. Till then it was Andolone.

4. Artifacial (n+adj) : Beauty parlour.

After the IPL spot-fixing scandal ended his cricket career, Sreesanth opened an artifacial shop in Kochi.

5. Solemate (n) : Friends who share footwear.

Few were surprised as Greg Chappell turned up in the press conference in Sourav Ganguly’s Kolhapuri chappals. They are known solemates after all.

6. Detergentleman (n): Male dhobi.

His Bollywood career gone up in smoke, Uday Chopra is trying to eke out a living as a determined detergentleman.

7. Emptea (adj) : State of the tea cup which has just been drained.

India’s most popular TV anchor, a human volcano, is actually a henpecked husband, often seen washing emptea cups at home to please his dominant wife.

Sugarpova Effect: 8 Indian Cricketers And Their Potential Brand Surnames

A recent NASA study reveals only two human voices reach Mars – the first being Arnab Goswami’s when he’s collaring the Newshour debate with aplomb; and the second, Maria Sharapova’s grunt when she is whacking the ball.

The tennis tsarina, and I’m not talking about Mr Goswami, recently appealed to a Florida court seeking to temporarily change her surname to ‘Sugarpova’ for the duration of the US Open before abandoning the marketing stunt.

For the uninitiated, Sugarpova is the candy line Sharapova owns

In the end, Maria Sugarpova didn’t materialise. In fact, the poor richest female athlete pulled out of US Open with a shoulder injury.

Taking it from there, Doosra lists eight Indian cricketers and what should have been their natural brand surnames.




1. Sourav Scholl: When things got tense, Sourav Ganguly chewed his nails as if they were Greg Chappell. Legend has it Scholl patterned their nail-clipper after Dada.

2. Rohit Maggi: The first joke an average Indian kid learns is that you put maggi two-minute noodles on oven when Rohit Sharma walks out to bat and serve it hot when he’s back in the pavilion.



3. Shikhar Moustache: Shikhar Dhawan possesses contemporary cricket’s most famed handlebar and Moustache jeans can’t sign a better person to revive the brand that was fairly popular in small-time towns.



4. Harbhajan KFC: Even his detractors would admit he was a ‘Finger-licking good’ spinner before being reduced to a thumb-sucking has-been.

5. Ajit Nokia: Ajit Chandila has been connecting people so that they could fix IPL matches.

6. Sir Ravindra Good Knight: He is as efficient as the mosquito repellent brand. Has also assumed Knighthood without waiting for the queen to confer one on him.

7. Mahendra Singh Pawan Hans: There is a general consensus even among the armed forces that Dhoni manufactures India’s best helicopters.



8. Virat Cisco: If you closely look at the Cisco logo, it resembles human digits with two rather outsized middle fingers, jutting out as if Virat Kohli’s.

P.S. The Bounce list of T20 cricketers who might change their surnames is here.

6 Reactions to Pranab Mukherjee's exit as FM

1. Shahid Afridi: Retirement? Well, not a bad thing. One should do it occasionally. I have done it a number of times. But as a senior in that department, my advice is don't overdo it. Twice a month, no more. I'm retiring now. I mean I'm retiring to bed now;

2. Sourav Ganguly: I think he was under pressure to retire. I still think he had at least two years' finance left in him. I think the Board, arrey High Command, pressured him into retirement.

3. Mahesh Bhupathi: As I have maintained all along, I'm not going to play with anyone except Rohan Bopanna. Worse, Pranab comes from the same state. Leander should follow Pranab and quit.

4. Mamata Banerjee: Good riddance. Hope the next FM would give us a good Bengal package. My only concern is he'd have ample time on hand as President and I just hope he does not take to cartooning. Will ask Manmohan ji to immediately stop supplying pencils and sketch pens to Rashtrapati Bhavan.

5. Shoaib Akhtar: I think he got scared after Sachin Tendulkar became an MP and immediately retired. When Tendulkar took oath. I saw Mukherjee's legs trembling. Don't trust me? Ask Afridi.

6. Vinod Kambli: I'm a very emotional man today for I can identify myself with Pranab Da. His career mirrors mine. I never got enough support from Tendulkar and ended up playing support roles in random movies. Sachin is an MP today but I'm not even BMC councillor. Pranabda too could have become the PM but he never got the support from Sonia Gandhi. I'm a very emotional man today and can't hold back my tears. Watch me sob on STAR TV, ok ABP TV, at 7:30 this evening. I'm a very emotional man today.

Random Thoughts on Pune-Punjab IPL Match

* This headband of Ashok Dinda. Reliably told it can only be surgically removed.

* Still intrigued by the Jesse Ryder run-out. Why didn't Sourav Ganguly leave crease? Was he afraid some lady might just grab it?

* 3-ball duck. Manish Pandey's appearance was shorter than Chunky Pandey's in Don.

* Ashish Nehra flashes a smile. You can call Pune Warriors India anything but just not toothless.

* Did Angelo Mathews mistake Harmeet Singh for the delivery boy from Tehal Singh's Dhaba and got foxed?

* Mithun Manhas-Piyush Chawla yawnfest....would rather see "Shatranj". Mithun-Juhi Chawla.

* Ironically, Pune innings so far resembles King's XI co-owner Preity Zinta's career. Few hits.

* If Sourav Ganguly's run-out victims are coaxed into forming a human chain, it will reach Eden Gardens from Behala. #

* Sourav Ganguly looks pregnant...with ideas of course.

* 4 DOTS in first over. Praveen Kumar could have been effective in TB control as well.

Cricket's Alternative Food Movement

Was it only my TV set that showed Djokovic sinking to his knees, plucking a few blades of grass and putting it in mouth after taming Nadal at Wimbledon?

It seemed an honest, pioneering effort by a tennis player of no uncertain scientific bend of mind to find out the edibility of grass and see if it can be the answer to the global food crisis.

Taking a cue from Djokovic, Doosra prepares a list of cricket’s own bizarre biters, eerie eaters, champion chewers and leading lickers:

1. Shahid Afridi: A ball-biter par excellence;

2. Mohd Asif: Single largest importer of poppy seeds;

3. Sourav Ganguly: Human Nail-Clipper. Mad enough, at his pomp, to chew nails and spit rivets;

4. Ewen Chatfield: A unique swallower of his own tongue;

5. Lalit Modi: A reckless biter but limited chewer;

6. Harbhajan Singh: Premium finger-licker;

7. ICC: A steady eater, out of BCCI’s hands.

P.S. Would be unfair to put up the shutters without a word about Kamran Akmal, held as the most promising of all. Even jealous teammates admit he’s so endowed that Akmal can start a bat-manufacturing business rightway without buying a chainsaw.

IPL, a lexicographer’s perspective

Had Samuel Johnson or Noah Webster been around, it would have spared me the trouble. Since they are not, I guess someone has to step in, spit on his palms and get on with the job.

So here are seven IPL words which Doosra believes should straightaway be in the lexicons.
 

1. Laliterature (la-lit-ray-chur): any text rich with recurring phrases like ‘multi-million-dollar deal’, ‘tender’, ‘rights’, ‘franchise’ etc. (e.g. The eunuchs who came to listen to Pranab Mukherjee’s budget were disappointed, admitting they could not make heads or tails of the Finance Minister’s laliterature.)
 

2. Yusuffering (yu-suff-ring): See-saw, yo-yoing. (e.g. Elin Nordegren finally handed Tiger Woods his hat, saying the golfer’s yusuffering fidelity was to be blamed for their parting.)
 

3. Mandiraxed (man-di-raxd): Dumped unceremoniously. (e.g. Sarah Palin says she is clueless why Barack Obama mandiraxed her and fell for that Chicago lamppost called Michelle.)
 

4. Yuvinile (yuv-nael): Excessive penchant for nightlife. (e.g. ‘Shoaib Akhtar had all the ingredients to be a great bowler but for his yuvinile indiscretions,’ rued Imran Khan.)
 

5. Shilparasites (shil-para-saets): gatecrashing relatives of your lady boss. (e.g. I had invited only my boss in my anniversary but she turned up with hordes of her freeloading shilparasites.)
 

6. Gangulyse (gang-u-lies): revive, mend. (e.g. John Terry’s tormented wife today made it clear that no amount of counseling can gangulyse her relation with her Casanova husband.)
 

7. Sehwagon Wheel: A wagon wheel where 4s and 6s far outnumber 1s and 2s. (e.g. Arjun Tendulkar’s Sehwagon Wheel reassured us that the youngster is following in his father’s footsteps.)

7 potential alternative careers in cricket

Whenever they speak, some cricketers can be quite thought-provoking. For instance, your first thought after hearing Player A could be a wishful one – wish the proverbial cat had gotten his tongue and was not sighted since.

Some cricketers can also make a believer out of you. The first sentence has barely left Player B's lips and you start believing that human tongue functions independently of human brain.

And then there are certain cricketers, who help you understand things around. Like exactly what thought went behind adding a MUTE button to all remote controls.

But then there are others who make interesting reading and from whatever I listened/read over the last few days, I have no doubt that the seven cricketers below would have made quite a good name in other professions. Cricket's-gain-is-god-knows-what's-loss stuff, I mean.

Sample the men and their utterances.

1. Miandad the Microbiologist: "T20 cricket is a virus". (Tendulkar, clearly from the other school of thought, felt T20 was dessert. Talk about one man’s meat being another man’s poison.)

2. Dr Sunil Gavaskar, MBBS: "The way they (Indian fielders) are going about it (dropping catches), despite the cold weather I doubt if they will be able to catch a cold."

3. Adam Parore the Cardiologist: "Jesse Ryder may have the longest lower abdominal strain in history - someone with a heart transplant would have been back quicker."

4. Wayne Parnell the Actuary: "It’s (the $610,000 hole he created in Daredevils’ pocket) a huge sum of money!"

5. Matthew Hayden, Oz High Commissioner to India: "I have been welcomed into the bosom of India as a brother." (Sourav Ganguly now calls him Hayden da, one hears).

6. Lalit Modi the Environmentalist: "For every effigy burnt I will go and plant 200 trees".

7. Jamie Siddons the Proctologist: "His (Sehwag’s) comments (that Bangladesh is an ordinary side) might bite him on his bum in a few years' time."

A Suspect Cricketer

Both Ganguly and Wright had this sneaking suspicion that beneath the boy lurked a man. A yeoman.

A look at him and the selectors had this eerie feeling that they have seen future.

Those who sedulously tarred the walls of his Allahabad residence had this doubt that he did not try enough in 2003 World Cup.

Chappell, on his part, suspected he was a Ganguly henchman, who might spike his drink and then wait round the corner with a country-made gun.

And now umpires report him for a suspect bowling action in a Ranji match!

Show me a cricketer who has dealt with more doubt, suspicion and mistrust than Mohammad Kaif and I'll show you a liar.

Moksha, at night

To fling my arms wide
In some place of the sun,
To whirl and to dance
Till the white day is done.

Then rest at cool evening
Beneath a tall tree
While night comes on gently,
Dark like me-
That is my dream!

To fling my arms wide
In the face of the sun,
Dance! Whirl! Whirl!
Till the quick day is done.

Rest at pale evening...
A tall, slim tree...
Night coming tenderly
Black like me.

#

Damir Dokic, Jim Pierce, Peter Graff, Richard Williams, A S Bindra, Yograj Singh...

As a class, fathers of sports celebrities tend to talk crap.

But I remember a particular interview of Sourav Ganguly's father for its rare insight into the agony of a flawed enigma.

The Prince had become The Pariah and stayed aloof even at home.

Affectionate friends and careworn family members would take him to a corner, put a sympathetic arm around his shoulder and tell him that chasing rainbows has never done anyone good.

Ganguly would nod but no one was really sure they were being listened to.

When the world around him had withdrawn, a sleepless Ganguly would get a domestic help to throw ball at him in the middle of night and do the knocking in their sprawling drawing room.

In the adjoining bedroom, an upset Ganguly Sr would shake his head and tell his wife how their tormented son had completely lost it.

And what followed was the mother of all comeback stories.

From Bengal Tiger to his American cousin.

Reports trickle in that Tiger Woods, a thoroughly deserving butt of popular dirty jokes, eagerly waits for the night to descend on his Florida mansion so that he can sneak out to a nearby golf course to ease his mind.

Away from prying eyes, a dimly-lit, empty course with the man and his craft.

The same guy who relished flashbulbs now seeks obscurity in the dark and all his own making.

Tiger has fallen from grace. Responsible parents have removed his poster from their kids' study room and burnt it in the backyard.

But let there be no illusion. Golf has seldom been in more need of a comeback story.

Kanpur Test Day 1: My 7 suspects

1. The cake Amit Mishra -- he turned 27 today even though his look suggests 72 -- received from team management had 'Happy-Birthday-Omit' written across it;

2. "Sorry Bhai" is the Bollywood movie that pretty much sums up Pragyan Ojha's feeling towards Amit Mishra;

3. The only explanation of Sri Lanka's frequent dropping of anything flying off Sehwag's bat is -- they consider it below their dignity. They steadfastly refused in Ahmedabad till one accidentally got stuck to Angelo Mathews' reluctant palm. Here too Mahela dropped Sehwag on duck before Dilshan caught him. And that because Sehwag happens to be Dilshan's Delhi Daredevils comrade;

4. After their union in Ahmedabad, the Jayawardenes clicked in Kanpur as well. Well, this time for India, by collaborating to spill Sehwag on zero;

5. The secret behind Sehwag's uncharacteristic patience is Dhoni's threat to make him write Welegedara's full name -- Uda Walawwe Mahim Bandaralage Chanaka Asanga Welegedara -- 10 times if he got out early;

6. Harbhajan Singh's mild throat infection had the team management worried because they know his real craft lies in his larynx;

7. When Sehwag said Gambhir is the best Indian opener since Gavaskar, he meant Srikkanth was a motormouth madcap, Ganguly an ill-tempered mule and Tendulkar a petulant holy cow.

Last of the Mohicans

Sourav Ganguly would vouch, Andrew Flintoff often struggled to keep his shirt on.

This time, Freddie sheds flannel to retain pyjama. Test Cricket, on its part, can surely find a lonely, dingy corner and shed a tear or two to mourn the exit of the Last of its Mohicans.

I’m afraid we won’t see his like again. The era of 24-carat all-rounders is just behind us. Welcome to a new world where imposters in the all-rounder’s garb would fool around.

ICC rankings would want us believe Mitchell Johnson is world’s number two all-rounder and Chaminda Vaas ranks fifth. But then ICC’s understanding of the game rivals Paris Hilton’s grasp of rocket science and both come with the unmistakable ‘Not To Be Taken Seriously’ tag.

In his approach, Flintoff was a throwback to an era where the popular notion was that an all-rounder should be good enough to merit two places in the side, one for bowling and another for batting.

Now, take Garfield Sobers out of the action. He could bowl pace and spin, at times both in the same over, keep wicket and then hit a poor Malcolm Nash for six sixes in an over. He could be Clark Kent’s estranged sibling endowed with equal supernatural ability and a markedly better sartorial taste.

Soon after the Kapil-Imran-Botham-Hadlee quartet left the scene, batting pie-chuckers and bowling sloggers thronged the dais and statistics – often confounding than enlightening – were thrown up at regular intervals to prove their all-round credentials.

You don’t have to strain your eyes to see the clowns fooling around. Underneath the garb, Shane Watsons and Yusuf Pathans are essentially bits-and-pieces players of some utility but anything but all-rounders.

Unlike them, Flintoff, in between his injury rehabs, sent down real 90mph thunderbolts from an awkward angle and then returned to wield the willow with impunity.

More importantly, he was match-winner with both.

His foibles only endeared him and make no mistake, it’s people like him who ensured bums on seats.

Above all, Flintoff was the rare flicker of flair in an otherwise mass of mediocrity that is English cricket.

I insist, Test cricket is all about romanticism and if you don’t like, you are free to frequent the nearby Twenty20 circus.

MCC diagnoses Test cricket is dying and their optimism simply baffles me. They might declare Michael Jackson alive!

Pix: PA

I suspect that...

1. Alastair Cook and RP Singh endorse different mascara brands;

2. Pakistan Cricket Board has assured itself of the inaugural Gandhi Truth Award by revealing the minutiae of exactly what is keeping Shoaib Akhtar out of action these days;

3. When Lalit Modi mooted the two-IPLs-a-year theory, the scary thought fleeting through Glenn McGrath’s mind was that either his bum or the bench he is assigned to warm would invariably catch fire;

4. Sourav Ganguly is betting considerable money on Mashrafe Mortaza hurling three beamers on the trot at Brendon McCullum’s head at some stage in the T20 World Cup;

5. The only way to make Rohit Sharma click as a Team India player is to allow him wear a Deccan Chargers jersey inside;

6. Ventriloquism may seem as relevant to cricket as Paris Hilton is to rocket science but it might actually do the trick for MS Dhoni. History witness, Warne’s voice brings out the best in a Yusuf Pathan and Gilchrist’s words have magic on Rohit;

7. The recent attacks on the Indians in Australia is essentially a backlash of Harbhajan Singh’s highly misinterpreted invocation of Andrew Symonds’ mother in the infamous Monkeygate episode. Incidentally, Harbhajan’s nephew was recently killed by a taxi driver in Melbourne.

Brace for the virtual pandemonium!

When BCC! members come together, miracle happens.

Geometrically speaking, it’s the diagonally opposite case of Shah Rukh Khan, Sourav Ganguly and John Buchanan coming together, when it needs miracle to make things happen.

As the race for the ugly trophy enters the last leg, the crème-de-la-crème of cricket blogosphere – and that naturally excludes yours truly – would go into a virtual huddle to give the Sambit Bals and Arun Lals a good run for their money.

So the Ankits, the Siamese twins from Mumbai, would pitch in, shoulder-to-virtual shoulder with Gaurav. And when I say Gaurav, I’m not necessarily alluding to the anorexic ape jumping up and down at the Sony Max studio.

John would be on hand and to clear the air, he has a surname which is not Buchanan. Ottayan, Achettup and Raja too would be lurking around in the corner but mind you, they can’t be cornered easily.

Pankaj would be insisting that his points are straight, while Nikhil, battered and bruised by Gilchrist’s semifinal knock, would moan about Jatman’s demise.

Q would be in the queue as well, exporting loads of T20 fundas, interrupted by the shy smile that apparently floored a certain Mayanti Langer in the recent past.

So you know, Bored Quickie is the place to be this evening, from 1930 IST to…sorry, can’t really predict the end.