Doosra: Hi, you there? RST: What do you mean you there?
Doosra: Odd. I can hear you but I can't see. The chair is empty. Are you real? I mean, do you really exist? RST: what do you mean? You don't really suggest Rohit Sharma's talent is non-existent, do you?
Doosra: Well, it's very disconcerting. I feel like Annu Kapoor entertaining an invisible Anil Kapoor in "Mr India". If you exist, why can't I see you? RST: You don't see Bappi Lahiri's eyes either, but that doesn't mean he doesn't possess any. Look through the prism of devotion, and you'd see me, you obnoxious non-believer.
Doosra: Are you a myth or reality? Does Rohit really have any talent? RST: Loads of it, more than he knows what to do with it. Trust me, the guy is stuffed to the gills with talent. Look how obese I am!
Doosra: I still can't see you... RST: That's because you are a cynic moron. Yesterday he cut his finger and you know what he bled? Talent. He is full of it, he's oozing it all the time through his pores. In fact, he has surplus talent. At times he has to spit it, vomit it and even defecate it. Or he'd explode.
Doosra: What rubbish. RST: On the contrary, if ICC is really serious about improving cricket's standard in associate nations, they should sprinkle Rohit's bathwater on the cricketers from those countries.
Doosra: Outrageous. I find it difficult to accept. Talent was Wasim Akram, who could bowl six different deliveries in an over. RST: Wasim was a kid and must be thanking his stars that his career didn't coincide with Rohit's. Rohit can squeeze in a boundary even in a three-run knock. He can edge even when shadow-practising. And he can outsmart any bowler by offering multiple dismissal options in each delivery.
Doosra: If he is indeed so talented, why can't he score consistently? RST: I'll pardon you for being such a chump. All talents, by nature, are like that. If Leonardo da Vince had to churn out a masterpiece every day, he'd have probably come up with Mona Singh and not Mona Lisa. Same with Rohit - masterclass or mastercrap. Nothing in between.
Doosra: Records don't really back that. Apart from the two 200-plus ODI scores, both at home, there's pretty much no real masterclass to justify his billing as the best thing to come out of Mumbai since Sachin Tendulkar. RST: That's a wrong way to put it.
Doosra: I'm glad you agree. RST: No, I meant the truth is Tendulkar is the best thing to come out of Mumbai before Rohit happened. I'm afraid, world cricket will always be divided into pre-Rohit and post-Rohit eras.
Doosra: Whatever. I think the trick is to combine talent with hard work. Lara was gifted, but Sachin worked harder and see where they ended up. RST: Utter rubbish. See, Rohit can't work hard, it would be suicidal for him.
Doosra: And how? RST: Let me explain. See, every player is like a container, and Rohit is full to the brim with talent. Now to accommodate hard work, you have to tilt the container and drain some of the talent. Now who in his right mind would waste talent like that? Where is the sense in it?
Doosra: It's ridiculous. Talent: I agree, he's outrageously talented.
Doosra: You mean he won't improve ever? RST: Don't be silly, where is the room? Doosra: Guess, we have to live with it. Anyway, nice talking to you. See you...ok, forget it.
Indian Left Leaning Right Wing Aam Congress Trinamuletra Kazhagam (ILLRWACTK) advertises the following posts to reinforce our mid-rung leadership and boost our media presence.
1. Senior On-camera Crier:
We are looking for someone with robust lacrimal glands (attach medical reports). The candidate should be able to summon tears at a short notice. Essentially, we are looking for a Nirupa Roy in khadi, who should be able to cry over anything, including spilt milk.
Salary: In keeping with the job profile, salary will leave you in tears.
2. Senior Studio-hopper:
We are looking for a candidate with a gift for diplomatic circumlocution. You should be able to blabber on without telling anything.
You would be hopping from one TV studio to another, defending even the most indefensible party move. You should be compulsorily non-committal, supremely vague and appear funereal.
We are basically looking for someone who can outcliche Ravi Shastri, outidiom Navjot Sidhu and outbias Sunny Gavaskar.
You must be a thick-skinned, cliche-pouting, footage-gobbling motormouth, who is not averse to be humiliated on national TV by Arnab Goswami. You should absorb some of the public outrage so that top leaders have it easy.
Candidate should be open to defending party at odd hours for it's not always possible for top leadership to bungle strictly between 9-6.
We will offer a competitive salary but no residence as the candidate will be camping in TV studios anyway.
3. Compulsive condemner-cum-resignation seeker:
We are looking for someone who would condemn rival leaders and demand their resignation even when asleep.
Candidate should look perennially grumpy. Those with chronic dyspepsia and/or migraine would be preferred (attach medical certificate). He/she should be able to link opposition leaders to any scandal/debacle happening anywhere in the world and demand resignation on moral ground.
We offer a salary that would help you remain grumpy but you are not supposed to demand HR manager's resignation.
4. Junior Social media wisher-cum-mourner:
We want an internet-savvy candidate who'd keep us at the top of the social media game.
The job is essentially to wish party leaders and ideologues on their birthdays/anniversaries and mourn their death on Facebook and Twitter.
Social media is a potential minefield and it's a deceptively easy job. This vacancy was created after we fired the chap who prematurely tweeted "Party president died, R.I.P." when the venerable leader had merely dyed.
Salary will be linked to number of Likes you get on Facebook and the RTs you generate on Twitter.
Doosra interviewed Sourav Ganguly at Eden Gardens soon after he became the CAB president.
As his wont, dada was two hours late for the interview but he sort of made up with his frank views on Bengal and Indian cricket.
He chewed his nails throughout the interview until he was sufficiently manicured.
The tangled mass of assorted chains and lockets also made an appearance as he undid the first two buttons of his shirt which he, despite occasional provocations, did not take off or swirl.
We produce the interview verbatim below:
Doosra: Ah, here you are. We thought you won’t turn up at all. Sourav Ganguly: Sorry, I’m late but don’t you think you should have got used to it by now? Bhagwan ke ghar der hain andher nahi. And you forgot they called me God of the off-side?
Doosra: Well, you have a point there, and a gully as well. Anyway, how does it feel to be the boss of Bengal cricket? SG: Long ago, I asked “aapne dada ko bhule to nahin?” They proved they have not. I thank them for making me CAB boss though, honestly, I expected to lead ICC if not the UN. Anyway, CAB is a good launchpad I guess.
Doosra: So what are your plans for Bengal cricket? SG: I promise a swift turnaround in Bengal cricket. They won’t have to wait for it like Steve Waugh had to wait for me at toss (bursts into laughter).
Doosra: Many expect you to identify youngsters who would form the nucleus of the future Bengal team, just as you did as Team India captain. SG: I’m glad you asked this question. Well, I have decided Sehwag, Yuvraj, Kaif, Bhajji and Zaheer will form the core of the future Bengal team.
Doosra: What! But they are nearly done with competitive cricket and they play for other states! SG: Sorry, I meant Sehwag junior, Yuvraj junior, Bhajji junior...See, it’s an ambitious, unprecedented project. Sehwag is so pissed off with Delhi that he won’t mind even if his son plays for Andaman Nicobar in Ranji Trophy. We have convinced Bhajji to get married soon and talks are on with Yuvraj as well to graduate from pie-chucker to bachelorhood-chucker. These are the baby steps for revival of Bengal cricket, if you know what I mean (winks).
Doosra: Quite radical, one must say. SG: Yes, and if the plan materialises, it would rob other states of their own talents and enrich Bengal. So you can say I’m killing two Dickie Birds with one Sharon Stone -- I picked it from Sidhu, by the way.
Doosra: Hope you realise that cricket administration is not going to be a bed of roses. There will be people resisting every step. How do you plan to tackle them? SG:Chappal se nahi, Chappell se maarunga. I will treat them like I used to treat left-arm spinners. You don’t worry about that.
Doosra: And what about Shah Rukh Khan? SG: What about him?
Doosra: I mean he treated you badly at KKR, stripping you of captaincy then kicking you out of the team. Are we going to see him being banned at Eden Gardens just like he was at Wankhede? SG: Don’t be silly. We are grown up men. I have put the entire KKR episode behind me. However, other members decided Shah Rukh will have to walk on his hands every time he wants to enter Eden Gardens, balancing an egg on a spoon in his mouth and two lighted candles on his soles. Well, I can’t always ignore majority view, you see. (winks)
Doosra: What are the reforms you have in mind for Bengal cricket? SG: To improve our running between-the-wicket, we plan to abolish it altogether. We want our future generation batsmen to score only with 4s and 6s. We commissioned a study that suggests taking singles and twos significantly impedes a batsman’s ability to hit 4s and 6s in the same over, apart from greatly enhancing run-out risks. I agree, it’s not worth the risk.
Doosra: There is a rumour that your wife would be roped in as the team’s batting consultant. That’s not true for sure? SG: What’s wrong with that? Dona will help our batsmen get their footwork right. Against the spinners, they need to come dancing down the track and who better than a professional dancer to teach them how to do it? Also she gets bored at home knitting sweater for me and the kids.
Doosra: And why did CAB choose Salman Khan, of all people, as the brand ambassador? SG: I suspect you’re not aware of it but taking off shirt is universally recognized as a cathartic exercise, and my experience is no different. Modern cricket is much more stressful and the players need an outlet for their pent-up angst. Look at Salman, he has got into all sorts of troubles and still remains sane because he frequently goes topless. Besides, we wanted to tap into his hit-and-run experience. (winks)
Doosra: What is your immediate target as CAB chief? SG: To get Ashok Dinda back down to earth. Poor lad, has leapt so high since his last delivery that got awkwardly stuck in one of the trees in maidan. Fire Brigade guys have reached there with ladder etc. Maybe we need to fill his boots with stones to keep him grounded or tether him to the stumps.
Doosra: And what’s your long-term target as the boss of Bengal cricket? SG: To lead Bengal to a position where BCCI and eventually ICC will beg for CAB membership.
Bit of comedy. Doosra has made it to the Top 5 in #Win15 but it's in 'Sports' category even though we nominated it in Humour & Satire section.
On second thought, maybe humour is a new sport and we did not notice when the change was made.
The award will be announced on Sunday. The payment has been made to the jury chairman but to be on the safe side, Doosra has also arranged to get his son kidnapped just to preempt any attempt to outbribe us.
Not being complacent but you can safely say we have covered all the bases.