Sunday, 24 April 2016

Celebs mouth Shakespeare lines on the Bard's 400th death anniversary



1. Friends, Romans, countrymen, lend me your ears ~ Evander Holyfield

2. Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day? ~ Sunny Leone's co-stars

3. What's in a name? ~ North West/Deshabandu Warnakulasuriya Patabendige Ushantha Joseph Chaminda Vaas

4. A man can die but once ~ Gabbar Singh

5. I am one who loved not wisely but too well ~ Kangana Ranaut

6. The course of true love never did run smooth ~ Indrani Mukherjee

7. To be, or not to be, that is the question ~ Adnan Sami, before accepting Indian citizenship.

8. A horse! a horse! my kingdom for a horse ~ BJP Uttarakhand

9. I have no Spur to prick the sides of my intent, but only vaulting ambition ~ Mauricio Pochettino

10. I have not slept one wink ~ HD Deve Gowda

11. I must be cruel, only to be kind ~ Finance Minister

12. It is a wise father that knows his own child ~ ND Tiwari

Saturday, 23 April 2016

Math Celebs



Sachin ππππππππ...

Laxmikant ||

∑nd Freud

Bridgitte III.

λ Pehelwan

Catherine ζ Jones

Vikram { }h

Thursday, 18 February 2016

Anaconda bites Warne: 5 Conspiracy Theories


One hears that Shane Warne, bored with retirement, has gone ahead and got his head bitten by an anaconda on a reality show.

While people behind "I’m A Celebrity...Get Me Out Of Here!" are laughing all the way to the bank, here are the 5 Conspiracy Theories currently doing the rounds:

1. Steve Waugh strategically placed the rogue anaconda in that box;

2. An aspiring leggie itself, the anaconda was trying to pick Warne's brain, literally;

3. John Buchanan called Cricket Australia after the incident, to inquire if the snake was out of danger;

4. Warne was celebrating Nag Panchami when things went wrong;

5. Warne heard anaconda's venom is an excellent hair growth agent.

Wednesday, 3 February 2016

7 Frank Bank Names

1. Pajama Canara Bank
2. State Bank of Eysore
3. SubStandard Chartered Bank
4. AudaCity Bank
5. Icy Icy Eye Bank
6. Douche Bank
7. Central Bonkers of India

Sunday, 13 December 2015

Exclusive Interview of Rohit Sharma's Talent (RST)


Doosra: Hi, you there?
RST: What do you mean you there?

Doosra: Odd. I can hear you but I can't see. The chair is empty. Are you real? I mean, do you really exist?
RST: what do you mean? You don't really suggest Rohit Sharma's talent is non-existent, do you?

Doosra: Well, it's very disconcerting. I feel like Annu Kapoor entertaining an invisible Anil Kapoor in "Mr India". If you exist, why can't I see you?
RST: You don't see Bappi Lahiri's eyes either, but that doesn't mean he doesn't possess any. Look through the prism of devotion, and you'd see me, you obnoxious non-believer.

Doosra: Are you a myth or reality? Does Rohit really have any talent?
RST: Loads of it, more than he knows what to do with it. Trust me, the guy is stuffed to the gills with talent. Look how obese I am!

Doosra: I still can't see you...
RST: That's because you are a cynic moron. Yesterday he cut his finger and you know what he bled? Talent. He is full of it, he's oozing it all the time through his pores. In fact, he has surplus talent. At times he has to spit it, vomit it and even defecate it. Or he'd explode.

Doosra: What rubbish.
RST: On the contrary, if ICC is really serious about improving cricket's standard in associate nations, they should sprinkle Rohit's bathwater on the cricketers from those countries.

Doosra: Outrageous. I find it difficult to accept. Talent was Wasim Akram, who could bowl six different deliveries in an over.
RST: Wasim was a kid and must be thanking his stars that his career didn't coincide with Rohit's. Rohit can squeeze in a boundary even in a three-run knock. He can edge even when shadow-practising. And he can outsmart any bowler by offering multiple dismissal options in each delivery.

Doosra: If he is indeed so talented, why can't he score consistently?
RST: I'll pardon you for being such a chump. All talents, by nature, are like that. If Leonardo da Vince had to churn out a masterpiece every day, he'd have probably come up with Mona Singh and not Mona Lisa. Same with Rohit - masterclass or mastercrap. Nothing in between.

Doosra: Records don't really back that. Apart from the two 200-plus ODI scores, both at home, there's pretty much no real masterclass to justify his billing as the best thing to come out of Mumbai since Sachin Tendulkar.
RST: That's a wrong way to put it.

Doosra: I'm glad you agree.
RST: No, I meant the truth is Tendulkar is the best thing to come out of Mumbai before Rohit happened. I'm afraid, world cricket will always be divided into pre-Rohit and post-Rohit eras.

Doosra: Whatever. I think the trick is to combine talent with hard work. Lara was gifted, but Sachin worked harder and see where they ended up.
RST: Utter rubbish. See, Rohit can't work hard, it would be suicidal for him.

Doosra: And how?
RST: Let me explain. See, every player is like a container, and Rohit is full to the brim with talent. Now to accommodate hard work, you have to tilt the container and drain some of the talent. Now who in his right mind would waste talent like that? Where is the sense in it?

Doosra: It's ridiculous.
Talent: I agree, he's outrageously talented.

Doosra: You mean he won't improve ever?
RST: Don't be silly, where is the room?
Doosra: Guess, we have to live with it. Anyway, nice talking to you. See you...ok, forget it.

Friday, 20 November 2015

7 Nightmares Of A Bengali Bhadralok


1. November 1. Deserted place. Man at dimly-lit lone woollen garment shop whispers: “We don’t sell monkey cap.”

2. Reaching Antarctica and finding there is no Dada-Boudi/Annapurna Hotel serving Bhapa Ilish. Or at least fresh Parshe fish;

3. Pharmacies selling no Gelusil;

4. Braving bullets, dodging landmines and surviving nuclear explosion only to find himself in a situation, for which there is no suitable Rabindrasangeet capturing the complex state of his mind;

5. FSSAI banning Marie biscuit, declaring only rusk can be dunked in morning tea;

6. A worker in a Havana suburb committing suicide and only 2,613 people turning up at Brigade Parade Ground to mourn it;

7. Fearing there are too many of them and they might join hands one day to demand separate nationhood, Government of India decides Bong parents can’t nickname their kids “Bappa” and “Maamon” anymore.

Monday, 5 October 2015

Job Advertisement by Indian Left Leaning Right Wing Aam Congress Trinamuletra Kazhagam


Indian Left Leaning Right Wing Aam Congress Trinamuletra Kazhagam (ILLRWACTK) advertises the following posts to reinforce our mid-rung leadership and boost our media presence.

1. Senior On-camera Crier:
We are looking for someone with robust lacrimal glands (attach medical reports). The candidate should be able to summon tears at a short notice. Essentially, we are looking for a Nirupa Roy in khadi, who should be able to cry over anything, including spilt milk.

Salary: In keeping with the job profile, salary will leave you in tears.

2. Senior Studio-hopper:
We are looking for a candidate with a gift for diplomatic circumlocution. You should be able to blabber on without telling anything.

You would be hopping from one TV studio to another, defending even the most indefensible party move. You should be compulsorily non-committal, supremely vague and appear funereal.

We are basically looking for someone who can outcliche Ravi Shastri, outidiom Navjot Sidhu and outbias Sunny Gavaskar.

You must be a thick-skinned, cliche-pouting, footage-gobbling motormouth, who is not averse to be humiliated on national TV by Arnab Goswami. You should absorb some of the public outrage so that top leaders have it easy.

Candidate should be open to defending party at odd hours for it's not always possible for top leadership to bungle strictly between 9-6.

We will offer a competitive salary but no residence as the candidate will be camping in TV studios anyway.

3. Compulsive condemner-cum-resignation seeker:
We are looking for someone who would condemn rival leaders and demand their resignation even when asleep.

Candidate should look perennially grumpy. Those with chronic dyspepsia and/or migraine would be preferred (attach medical certificate). He/she should be able to link opposition leaders to any scandal/debacle happening anywhere in the world and demand resignation on moral ground.

We offer a salary that would help you remain grumpy but you are not supposed to demand HR manager's resignation.

4. Junior Social media wisher-cum-mourner:
We want an internet-savvy candidate who'd keep us at the top of the social media game.

The job is essentially to wish party leaders and ideologues on their birthdays/anniversaries and mourn their death on Facebook and Twitter.

Social media is a potential minefield and it's a deceptively easy job. This vacancy was created after we fired the chap who prematurely tweeted "Party president died, R.I.P." when the venerable leader had merely dyed.

Salary will be linked to number of Likes you get on Facebook and the RTs you generate on Twitter.