Sunday, 14 September 2014

Afridi’s Secret Diary: Ajmal Band for World Cup

I sewer touching my shampoo and hair conditioner that I'm anger like nobody's business.

If you steel not getting it, I'm mad for ICC who band our Saeed Ajmal for illegal action. And this six months in front of the World Cup. What massage ICC giving here?

I having no doubt this is a conspiracy and they not wanting us to victory. Ajmal is our best chucker spinner. If Pakistan cricket team is a army, he is a loyal shoulder. You band him, you handicraft us. In our country, first ballers are borning every day but chucker spinners we get rearly.

I don't know why they telling Ajmal having illegal action. When Asif played, he had illegal action. After match, he wented to shops to by nasha products. I except that us illegal action. Poor Ajmal has not even money to buy a packet of bidi.

Just I hearing ICC things he throws. It's uncorrect. Ajmal is a good boy. I know some boys once wanted to throw a match. It was just for fun, not money, I telling you. Butt Ajmal refuged. No, only Ajmal refuged. Butt did not. Also because Ajmal was not playing then.

This Ajmal band has effected our World Cup plan. We now needing a institute...or is it substitute? Otherwise, pressure mound on my soldier I loose my beautiful hairs.

Friends, time to shampoo my hair and conditioner then. I'll return back quickly. Also, I see Ajmal is 37 years old. I being so little, I take back all the "boys" in this diary and wish good luck to Ajmal chacha.

Thursday, 4 September 2014

7 types of people who should be phased out

I hereby recommend the gradual phasing out of people who don’t look before...

1. Jerking hand after washing it, relying more on centrifugal forces than paper towels to dry the said body part.

2. Flicking boogers.

3. Spitting betel juice out of the window of moving/stationary vehicles.

4. Opening, without notice, the door of a moving car to drop diaper.

5. Swapping legs, without notice, from a cross-legged position at a dentist’s chamber.

6. Getting off bikes with a flourish, sweeping air with the rear leg in lame Bruce Lee imitation.

7. Trying to walk through pedestrians while gazing at the mobile screen.

Wednesday, 20 August 2014

When in Rome do as the Romans...and confirm you’re a priceless chump

This has the potentials to top the list of dumbest advice mouthed by a homo sapience since God created the World or AK Hangal made his Bollywood debut, whichever the earliest.

I suspect it was a wicked Roman who, seeking to inject some fun in an otherwise dull life, coined the adage despite knowing that you, a tourist, would make a colossal asino –- that’s ass in Italy –- of yourself if you land on Rome and try to ape them.

Allow me to elaborate and take the case of Casu Marzu, a Sardinian sheep milk cheese that contains live insect larvae.

You have to culture them like a microbiologist cultures bacteria in a lab with avuncular affection. You got to make sure the emotionally fragile larvae enjoy the hospitality of their new home and break down the fats to give it a sublime, gooey texture. The translucent white worms should be wriggling in joy when you are about to consume it.

Now, the Romans have been doing it since ages. This is probably the first thing they teach in kindergartens and by the time a kid is seven, he/she probably can make it blindfolded with one hand tied behind the back.

Now if you try your hand at it, even if none of them tied behind your back, you are bound to cut a sorry figure. It's a highly complicated method –- humouring a bunch of uprooted larvae in their adopted home –- that requires a sound knowledge of larvae psychology, which, I’m told, is significantly distinct from grown-up insect psychology.

While centuries of practice has reduced it to a kid’s play for an average Roman – they apparently do it in school in between classes -- a tourist can’t hope to land in Rome and dish out something that requires the combined skills of a Louis Pasteur, a Sigmund Freud and a Jamie Oliver.

Forget Casu Marzu. The sooner you realise you can’t even out-pasta an Italian the better. You just can’t upstage them in their own games. As simple as that.

When in Rome do as the Romans! It’s like saying when in Glasgow, do as the Scots, which means wearing a kilt and instantly becoming either 1) a family disgrace; or 2) the butt of dirty office jokes; or 3) an international laughingstock. Or all three.

Truth is, if you ever travel to Rome, the smartest thing would be to avoid doing whatever the Romans do. You’re welcome.

(P.S. You can safely say Doosra has declared war against the autocratic idiosyncrasies of the English language. The truth is, most of the English proverbs have aged/stagnated/simply ceased to make sense and need swift phasing out. Doosra will hunt them down, one by one, in this new series the frequency of which would be directly proportional to the availability of brainwaves)

Saturday, 26 July 2014

Maria Sharapova’s Apology to India

I admit it should not have taken this long but as we say in Russian: Лу́чше по́здно, чем никогда́. Or better late than never.

My friends in India, here I, Maria Sharapova, daughter of Yuri and Elena Sharapova, tender an unconditional apology to 1.2 billion of you (I suspect million but my manager insists it’s billion) for previously not knowing who the Great Sachin Tendulkar is.

While I admit that you’ve shown great restraint in confining your just anger to innocuous photoshopping and innocent defacing of my Facebook wall using words that have greatly enriched my vocabulary, I beg your sympathy and draw your attention to my inglorious upbringing where cricket meant a buzzing insect and nothing else.

As some of you probably know, I was born in Russia, the country languishing in obscurity until your Mithun Chakraborty arrived there to shoot a couple of films that thrust my shy nation firmly under the spotlight.

Soon after my birth, my parents moved to the United States, a country history will eventually remember for organising random spelling bee contests monopolized by kids from your great country.

Despite the strong India links, in the country of my origin as well as the country I’ve adopted, cricket is as popular as Mike Tyson was with Evander Holyfield’s family immediately after that 1997 bout in Las Vegas.

While it’s a lame excuse for my mind-numbing ignorance, I beg you kindly consider the circumstances in which I confessed not knowing who the cricketing God was.

I completely agree when many of you question if tennis can be considered a sport, let alone a global sport, and wonder what’s the big deal about this Micky Mouse tournament. Looking back, I realise I got carried away after winning a match at Wimbledon and was not in full control of my faculties when I was asked the question about Tendulkar.

Otherwise, I could have mumbled out something vague yet face-saving. Like “That’s a ridiculous question. Of course I know him! Who doesn’t? He is a living legend, a giant beyond his physical stature and an inspiration not only to our generation but to the entire world. It’s people like him who restores our faith in humanity. In fact when I was trailing in the match, his presence inspired my comeback.”

I am ashamed of the way I have conducted myself and to prove that I’m genuinely sorry, I have been reading everything I could about Tendulkar, even if meant skipping training and fighting with the coach.

Now I know his cricket stats by heart; I know the punch lines of the each of his 2086 TV commercials including “Visa power, go get it”; and I know the breed of each of his pet dogs.

Naturally my preparation for US Open next month is the best I ever had. I may not cross the first round hurdle at Flushing Meadows but if media ask me about Tendulkar, I bet I will surprise you all.

Kind regards

Maria Sharapova

(A work of fiction, if you still don't get it)

Thursday, 10 July 2014

Budget 2014: 10 Random Observations

1. Honourable Finance Minister spoke for two hours but it's actually a one-line budget. Sardar Patel Statuetory warning: Smoking is injurious to wealth.

2. Oil products to be cheaper. Afraid it would boost sycophancy.

3. Cigarettes to cost more. It's clearly a pro-rich budget. Only the rich can now afford those diseases that smoking causes.

4. How do I pay "indirect tax"? Instead of giving it directly to the guy at counter, I submit it via pantry boy?

5. Rather happy with "Krishi Darshan". Finally something to bring smile on the face of poor farmers like Robert Vadra and Amitabh Bachchan.

6. Cigarette to cost more, footwear to be cheaper. The underlying message is: kick the bad habit or smoke footwear.

7. Soap to be cheaper. Munaf Patel should have no excuse now.

8. Cigarette to be costlier (leitmotif of this piece). It means Bollywood will have to be more creative. Any bidi/cigarette chewer cannot be passed as a poor street urchin, however shabby the dress is.

9. Finance Minister sipped water while presenting budget. Was Hema Malini around to make sure it was Kent RO treated?

10. Cigarette costlier, footwear cheaper. Can you still crush cigarette butts under your footwear?

Tuesday, 8 July 2014

7 Reasons Why Rail Budget Was A Let Down

1. More than bullet trains, we needed a bullet IRCTC.

2. I have serious apprehensions about the proposed bullet trains. Ticketless passengers may reach destination even before negotiation with TTE ends.

3. The minister, much to the dismay of his own party supporters, did not announce a 'Train to Pakistan' to ferry NDA critics.

4. The Minister proposed retiring rooms at all stations, something even his leader LK Advani is not interested in.

5. No train was named after Ashok Kumar who did more for Indian Railways than anyone else with this:

6. The minister overlooked the need to have TTE rate chart, just like porters have, prominently displayed everywhere to facilitate ticketless passengers' hassle-free negotiations with the Men in Black.

7. There was no "bug-bite and blanket-allergy compensation" for Rajdhani passengers.

Wednesday, 25 June 2014

10 Soccer Facts I Bet You Didn’t Know

1. Babies are normally born head-first. Andrea Pirlo bucked the trend and was born beard-first.

2. An unborn Miroslav Klose never kicked his mom from inside her womb. He always headed.

3. Philipp Lahm is shorter than himself.

4. Arjen Robben can overtake any Irfan Pathan/Vinay Kumar delivery in loafers.

5. The density of hair in Joachim Loew’s head matches that of Anil Kapoor’s chest.

6. Kokilaben Ambani made a last-ditch attempt to make the Boateng brothers Jerome (Germany) and Prince (Ghana) bury their differences and play for any one team.

7. Eden Hazard was named after the 1967 Kolkata test match violence.

8. Sepp Blatter reports to N Srinivasan.

9. FIFA is a BCCI sub-committee.

10. An ageing Klose will decide whether to play on after the 2050 World Cup to be held in Chennai under BCCI’s aegis.