Friday, 24 July 2015

15 More Predictions


1. Mukesh Ambani will buy Greece from an auction outbidding a Qatari royal and bring it under Brihanmumbai Municipal Corporation;

2. Farmers’ suicide will finally be a thing of the past as there won’t be any left to attempt it;

3. An Indian will invent a cordless mobile charger which would double up as pajama drawstring;

4. Shoaib Akhtar will pip Rameez Raja to Indian citizenship;

5. Mahatma Gandhi will appear during a joint parliament session, demanding his name is deleted from history, insisting he wants none of it;

6. The UN will ban IPL and all franchise-based sports leagues simply for coming up with such ghastly names for the teams;

7. Trying to create the photographic illusion of touching the top of the minaret at Taj Mahal and similar structures will be declared as mental illness;

8. Eclairs will become legitimate currency;

9. Girls with moustache and guys with pot-belly will dominate the next decade;

10. New breed of hens will directly lay boiled egg.

11. Shah Rukh Khan will lose a Bollywood Dahi Handi competition to Ranvir Kapoor after selecting the likes of Kailash Kher, Aamir Khan and Rajpal Yadav in his team. The human pyramid didn’t come anywhere near the pot;

12. A new Nehru biography will disclose he was actually called "Cha Cha" Nehru for being nimble-footed in that Cuban dance form;

13. Chetan Bhagat will confess his latest books are duds and he buys thousands of them himself to make them best-sellers.

14. Future poll promises by political parties will include offer to help people climb out of their skinny jeans;

15. Death will be optional.

Sunday, 19 July 2015

15 Predictions




1. Stephen Hawking will clamber out of that wheelchair and sheepishly apologise for playing the longest practical joke on us;

2. Osama bin Laden will be found alive somewhere along the Sudan-Uganda border, clean shaven and married happily to a Bantu widow with 12 sons from her previous three marriages;

3. Fashion will go out of fashion;

4. Once done with her adoption spree, Angelina Jolie will stage hunger strike in front of the UN headquarters demanding separate nationhood for her kids;

5. Leonardo DiCaprio will name her son Oscar, realising it’s the only way he can have one;

6. Football will be banned after the supporters of Lionel Messi and Cristiano Ronaldo fight World War III over who is the better player;

7. With nothing left to win in women’s tennis, Serena Williams will play men’s event but would go down to Novak Djokovic in five sets in Wimbledon final;

8. Doctors will reveal Bappi Lahiri’s sunglasses have developed veins and is now only surgically removable;

9. Next UN secretary-general would be a stand-up comedian;

10. Leander Paes will win the 2040 Wimbledon mixed doubles final partnering one of Roger Federer’s twin daughters;

11. One of the south Asian nations will declare Angry Bird as their national bird;

12. Pluto will be reinstated as a planet under ST/SC/OBC/minority/sports quota;

13. India TV will broadcast an exclusive one-on-one with Ajmal Kasab via planchette in which he would deny being served Biryani in Indian jail. Kasab will call it "media propaganda" and vow to break the necks of all misleading journalists, prompting the interviewer to flee studio and the channel to abruptly replace the show with a programme about a ghost which is lactose intolerant;

14. Indian channels will break the exclusive news of Aradhya Bachchan signing her first film against Rajnikant;

15. Kangana Ranaut would reveal she is a cyborg;

Wednesday, 15 July 2015

Wimbledonitis strikes Indian cricket


Indian cricket's worst-kept secret is out, and remember you read it here first.

Some of the biggest names in Indian cricket have recently been diagnosed with what medics are calling Wimbledonitis -- an irrepressible urge to be at the Wimbledon, especially for the men's competition.

"Wimbledon has become his personal Vaishno Devi," said a family member of one of those cricketers, requesting anonymity.

"It's to him is what Cannes is to Sonam Kapoor. Come July and he wakes up, as if in a trance, takes a shower, puts on his best suit, dangles a tie from his neck and leaves for airport without uttering a word where he is going," she said.

"After a day or two, just when we're on the verge of contacting police, he resurfaces at Wimbledon's Centre Court. We used to panic a lot, but now getting used to it."

BCCI has appointed a leading psychiatrist to look into the case but the mystery rages on.

"I don't want to sound an alarmist but the ailment is spreading like a rumour of salacious nature in a gossip-starved neighbourhood," said Dr Mannjeet Mann, shaking head in disappointment.

"I'm yet to go to the bottom of this but it looks like a Curse of the White and most vulnerable are the recently retired ones.

"Wimbledon's predominantly white dress casts a natural spell on the psyche of the test players. That explains the strong pull they succumb to.

"It's an attraction as strong as the one Odysseus felt passing through the colony of the Sirens who lured sailors with their enchanting music."

Economists have also waded into the topic.

"It's very simple. Considering the food inflation here, it's actually cheaper to fly to London and eat strawberry-and-cream there than buy those here," said one of them.

According to a conspiracy theorist, Wimbledon was merely a ruse.

"The cricketers used it to fly to England and eat Maggi there. Remember, UK's Food Standards Agency has announced it safe," he said.

Dr Mann insisted it would be silly to underestimate the epidemic.

"This year we have had three of them -- Sachin Tendulkar, Sourav Ganguly and Virat Kohli at the Royal Box.

"And we have definitive proof now, of how it affects your intellectual faculties. A day after this, Tendulkar found himself lost in an Oxfordshire village and sent frantic SOS to get him out of there.

"It all probably started long back. Remember, tennis elbow didn't exist in India before he developed one."

Sunday, 12 July 2015

Why can't we have honest bios like these?

Our strive for transparency should not end in celeb wear. An honest world is a lot more fun place.

Take the citations that go with all government awards. They simply lack soul and sound funereal. Insert some interesting tidbits about the winners and see how honest and fascinating it reads.

Image Bharat Ratna citations reading like this:

Shanthajit Sreechandila, Cricketer
* Rejected six match-fixing offers in a spotless career – either lacking the courage or the offers were not good enough.

* Cried twice on camera when asked about dark past. Would have been tried for tax evasion in any civilized country but used his connections to get away with it.

* Team mates fondly remember him as the stingiest person they shared dressing room with.

* Opponents remember him as a champion sledger with a penchant to involve female family members of his rivals.

* Often found digging nose at the presentation ceremony.

SureshRaja JayaKaruna Prasad, Politician
* In the 1716 rallies he addressed, had 17 chappals hurled at him, was slapped seven times and twice attacked with ink – least among his compatriots.

* Was found sitting through the national anthem on 11 occasions.

* A steady supplier of workforce to the government, he accommodated 136 of his family members in various departments.

* Introduced five different women as his wife at different points of time.

* Used political connections 201 times to get relatives out of jail.

* Set up Hai-Huku Commerce University of Science and Arts to match the institute he had forged his Master’s degree from. Seven of his rival candidates remain missing for over a decade.

RajKaran Verma, Bollywood Director
* More than 50% of his films didn’t attract plagiarism charges, a rarity in the industry.

* Maker of mostly women-centric films with the recurring theme of under-textiled females gyrating in rain under the Duckworth-Lewis method.

* A Bollywood pioneer who rendered plots redundant.

* Got three national awards, using either bribe or threats.

* Have steadfastly refused to be funded by anyone outside underworld. Often takes the underworld’s help to negotiate fees of his actors.

Wednesday, 1 July 2015

7 Reasons Why Helmets Must Not Be A Must For Bikers

1. It becomes dashed difficult to identify the helmeted person your boyfriend/girlfriend, you chance-discover, clinging to;

2. If anyone is planning to vacate the already crowded planet, we need to honour that sentiment. A biker without helmet should be rewarded and not challaned;

3. Helmets, at best, can temporarily hide baldness but can’t cure it;

4. I have no sympathy for the helmet-manufacturing industry and I resent traffic cops to be reduced to their salesmen;

5. According to a study conducted by a team half of which had their helmets on, 45% of the brain surgeons, along with their family, will die starvation death if helmet is made mandatory for all bikers in India.

6. Helmet encourages reckless biking, convincing the wearer that he/she can emerge from anything with that head intact;

and finally,

7. Anyone who considers helmet a nuisance deserves an accident.

Thursday, 28 May 2015

The existential crisis in animal kingdom nobody will tell you about

"It's a dog's life" is the common refrain of human existence but frankly speaking, we simply have no idea what our canine friends and other animals are going through.

The general discontentment with life, I'm reliably told, is rife among them. Truth is, no animal is happy being what he is and believes Life has played a dirty trick on them by generously handing out certain fruit of the Citrus genus while maintaining a wicked silence on the important procedure of lemonade-making.

The poor animals laid bare their soul in one of their nocturnal gatherings moderated by an elderly cow and Doosra reproduces it verbatim.

Let me tell you, if this doesn’t exhaust your monthly supply of tissue boxes, you have a stone where a heart was supposed to be.

Mosquito: Guys, to be honest, I've lost the urge to live on. I'm not overreacting when I say blood doesn’t taste what it used to be.

Cow: Well my little friend, don't say like that. It's a grossly imperfect world but one should not succumb so easily to pessimism. What makes you so cynic?

Mosquito: Listen bro, you know I'm a mutant mosquito, quite a tough nut to crack. None of the repellants they've invented really works on me. But I can't be too fond of a life spent trying to avoid being squashed between the palms. I'd rather be reborn as a Sajid Khan film. At least no one would clap!

Cow: I hear you, totally. Cheer up mate. You think I’m happy being what I am? No! Even I wanted to make it big in life. I wish I were raised in Chennai and one day they showered a Jayalalithaa or a Rajinikant banner with my milk. Imagine, my milk! Everyone needs a tale to tell their grandchildren in the twilight of their life. I'm no exception.

Dog: I see where you're coming from bud, for I have my own little ambition and it's not being hailed as "man's best friend" by the same human being who'd tie crackers to my tail in Diwali and derive sadistic pleasure out of my inelegant panic.

Cow: So what's your dream my friend?

Dog: Some day, I wish to chase a Ferrari car in a Formula One race and wet the tyre of a brand new Mercedes. I can die in peace after that.

Cow: I hope it comes true my friend. I guess our friend, the illustrious Royal Bengal Tiger has no real regrets in life, being the darling of the environmentalists who'd lay their lives to protect you?

Royal Bengal Tiger: It's fat good being the darling of a tribe which is more endangered than I am. What drives me nuts is the fact that despite being the grandest of tigers, I'm still not a brand! And if you're not a brand, let me tell you, market economy would not even look back at you. I'd rather be a Jaguar or even a Puma, even if it's a drastic demotion for me in the hierarchy.

Cow: I missed that angle, obviously. Well, I won't call Peacock a brand yet but I think our beautiful feathery friend can't complain not being in demand.

Peacock: Dear cow, don't take it personally but you are simply talking through your hat. Try living in shrinking habitats, in constant fear of being denuded of your plumes. And what's the use of being beautiful and yet retire as soon as the sun sets? I wish I were an owl instead.

Cow: And why's that?

Peacock: Because they have exciting nightlife (winks).

Owl: Nightlife my foot! Given a chance, I'll be happily swapping my chronic insomnia with any normal bird. It's very humiliating when certain birds sarcastically wish us "have a good day".

Cow: Well, you certainly have a point. Dear cockroach, you too nurse a grudge like that?

Cockroach: No, I nurse revenge only. I just want to be reborn as a human being, as a cheating boyfriend -- a charismatic Casanova, a relentless Romeo, a deadly Don Juan...

Cow: Calm down my friend, so much of excitement is not good for your tiny body.

Cockroach: Well, I want to teach at girls lesson for their collective over-reaction at the mere sight of any of us.

Cow: I got your point. You too believe life has been harsh on you dear Zebra?

Zebra: What else? Look at me, cursed with a permanent black-and-white life while the world has long back moved to colours. I'd rather be a chameleon. The other day, I heard this ant on my neck telling its friend: "you'd be in trouble if you try to run over me, I’m on zebra crossing."

Cow: What’s your take monkey?

Monkey: Listen bro. Let's admit, life here is not what it should have been here. I just want to relocate to a Banana Republic, ASAP.

Saturday, 21 March 2015

Lost And Found In Translation: Ui Ma Ui Ma Mar Gayi Re



"Mamma miya, this must be the end
My consent was inadvertent
Your eyes, your words
I blanched, my love, I was so frightened."

"Mamma mia -- this song and dance
Why did you love me in the first instance?"
"You are naughty, oh my boy
I'm feeling rather coy
You said, I did, didn't I?
And all limits we did transcend."

"You’re a love-fraud, I ain't kidding
It’s far from love, it’s plain cheating”
“Hand-on-heart, didn’t you consent
One day you’d make me content?
When time's here to deliver
Now you backtrack! Excellent!”

Mamma miya, this must be the end
Yes-no, and then no consent
My eyes, my words...
My love you got so frightened!"


Original:
Ui ma ui ma mar gayi re
Anjane me haan kar gayi re
Teri ankho se teri baton se
Sajan mai kitna darr gayi re

Ui ma uima karna tha
To pyar na mujhse karna tha
Shaitan bana tu aj piya
Mujhko ati hai laj piya
Jo tune kaha woh maine kiya
Ab hadd se baat gujar gayi re.

Tu ashiq number do ka hai
Yeh pyar nahi hai dhoka hain
Tu kehti thi dil bhar dungi
Ekdin tujhko khush kar dungi
Jab wade ka din aya to
Wade se saaf mukar gayi re.

Ui ma ui ma kar gayi re
Haan kar ke toh nah kar gayi re
Meri ankho se meri bato se
Sajni tu kitna darr gayi re