Thursday, 20 March 2014

Yama-Yudhisthir Q&A

The big daddy of all quiz shows featured Yudhisthir in the hot seat and Yaksha, Yama in disguise, as the quiz master.

There was no 'lifeline' and Yudhisthir still cracked the quiz. The prize was a trip to Malaysia but post-MH370, Yudhisthir got it swapped for Sodexo coupons.

Yama: What is agony?
Yudhisthir: Loading your plate with lentil salad, not because you like but for sheer peer pressure.

Yama: What is happiness?
Yudhisthir: Messing up bed in hotel room, safe in the knowledge that on your return in the evening, you'd find it neatly done and trampoline-taut.

Yama: What is regret?
Yudhisthir: The nagging feeling of not being able to make the most of a complimentary breakfast even after you’ve stuffing yourself beyond capacity.

Yama: What is envy?
Yudhisthir: The overwhelming emotion sloshing in a straphanger's bosom for the seated traveller in front.

Yama: What is humour?
Yudhisthir: A natural byproduct of another person’s agony.

Yama: Well done my boy. Here’s your coupon. Finally a personal question. Was that Draupadi with painted cheeks cheering for Chennai Super Kings last night?

Yudhisthir (silent): ....Well, since you’ve already seen her... yes.

(Beginning this new series, frequency of which is as uncertain as Ishant Sharma’s future.)

Saturday, 8 March 2014

11 "Chai Pe Charcha" Spinoffs

Narendra Modi's "Chai Pe Charcha" has opened a Pandora's box.
With India set to stage world's biggest election from next month, political leaders are defying model code of conduct and interacting with the voters in secret, deliciously named interactions.

Below are 11 leaders and their campaign initiatives:

1. Raj Kachori with Rajnath Singh.

2. Chavanprash with Prithviraj Chavan.

3. Humble Pie with Digvijay Singh.

4. Momo with Momota Banerjee.

5. Modak with Modi. Calm down fanboys, I meant Lalit.

6. Muli with Mulayam.

7. Ginseng with ND Tiwari.

8. Kaju with Kejriwal.

9. Pan Vilas with Ram Vilas.

10. Jalebi with Jayalalitha.

11. Any Goddamn thing with Gadkari.

Wednesday, 26 February 2014

The Great Kurukshetra Warrior Auction

Many suspect it was under pressure from N Srinivasan that Vyasa left out what was indubitably the most fascinating chapter of Mahabharata.

Well, Doosra can reliably reveal that an IPL-style auction took place on the eve of the Battle of Kurukshetra and Lalit Modi merely plagiarised the concept later on.

The Pandavas and the Kauravas staked every gold coin they had as auctioneer Vidur introduced the players.

Lord Krishna was the Team Pandava CEO, while Shakuni was his counterpart in the Kauravas camp.

Below is how the marquee players’ auction went at Kurukshetra.

Remember, you hear it here first.

Vidur: Ladies and gentlemen. Welcome to Kurukshetra Premier League Players’ Tournament. We’d start proceedings with Karna, the Anga King. His base price is 1000 gold coins. Do I see paddles going up?

Yudhisthir: Dear Krishna, let’s bid for him. Brilliant archer and a loyal team man. Generous, can sacrifice his wicket for teammates. We tried to fix the match and lure him into our squad but he not only turned down the offer but also threatened to report it to ICC. What say?

Krishna: Who’s the CEO here? Me or you? Listen, he’s a decent player but is doomed to choke in the end. Just like South Africa. He’s got a curse that he’d forget his deadliest weapon just when required. Let him go to the Kauravas.

Vidur: 1000 gold coins. Do I see the Kauravas raising the paddle?

Dhritarashtra: Duryodhan, from whatever little I saw of him…

Duryodhan: Cut the crap dad. You forgot you can’t see. Uncle, what do you reckon?

Shakuni: Sonny boy, break the bank but get him at any cost. Whadda player! He’d beat Arjun hollow. Dronacharya won’t coach him so he learnt under coach of all coaches Parasuram the great. Can play in all conditions. Vidur: 1000 coins one, 1000 coins two…Sold to the Kauravas! Well, next player is Bhishma with a base price of 2000 gold coins.

Krishna: We don’t need him. Too old for an 18-day battle and not retiring despite being well past his prime. Plays for personal milestones and behaves like a prima donna. Will pick and choose who he wants to duel with. No way.

Vidur: Will the Kauravas go for master blaster Bhishma? I see Duryodhan raising paddle. 2000 one, 2000 two…sold!

Shakuni: Good buy son. Bit of a pain in the neck for any captain but possesses most records worth possessing. No bowler can dismiss him. He can be out only hit wicket.

Vidur: Next player up for grab is Shikhandi and his…err…her…err whatever….the base price is 10 gold coins. Anyone for Shikhandi?

Shakuni: Hopeless. Who got this item in auction? I won’t take even if they put a gun to my head.

Vidur: Anyone for Shikhandi? 10 gold coins only…ah, Pandavas have raised the paddle! 10 one, 10 two…sold!

Yudhisthir: What did you do Keshav? What use is this Shikhandi? He…or she…has a suspect action and failed a sex test too.

Krishna: Don’t blabber. Bhishma can’t score off him. He’d keep one end tight and Arjun would dismiss Bhishma, who otherwise will bat on and on. So you spend just 10 coins and dismiss someone worth 2000.

Yudhisthir: Keshav! You’re a genius!

Krishna: Whatever.

Vidur: Well, now presenting the great Dronacharya with a base price of 1500 gold coins.

Krishna: No need to bid for him.

Yudhisthir: But he’s a great!

Krishna: We don’t need an over-the-hill player. He runs an academy in Hastinapur and is more into coaching these days. If he manages to score a few runs, you’d sledge him from behind stumps something about his son. That would unsettle him and even a Dhristadyumna can get him out.

Duryodhan: We’ll bid for him. I need someone to help me set the right field and he’s mastered Chakravyuh (raises paddle).

Vidur: Ah, so Dronacharya the great goes to the Kauravas. With that, we conclude auction of our marquee players. May the best team win.

Saturday, 8 February 2014

10 Indian state/cities and their ideal names

For reasons known only perhaps to Azam Khan's buffalos, Doosra was not consulted when names for Indian cities/states were decided.

As expected, they did a job more botched-up than Anushka Sharma's lips.

Below are 10 places and ideally what should have been their names:

1. Punjab = Sikhim.

2. Kolkata = Bhaatinda. Or Machhlipatnam.

3. Patna = Gutkhaland.

4. Post-AAP Delhi = Jhadukhand.

5. Kerala = KathMundu.

6. NCR = Okhlahoma. Home to Okhla that is.

7. Kanyakumari = Virginia.

8. Hailakandi = Alaska.

9. Haryana = Khapenhagen.

10. Assam = Rhinoam. Or Teabet. Or Chaina.

Wednesday, 5 February 2014

7 Possible Reasons Why England Axed Pietersen

It cannot be just a coincidence that England and Wales Cricket Board (ECB) decided to get rid of Kevin Pietersen in the same week that saw Azam Khan’s buffalos disappear and reappear under mysterious circumstances.

Neither Azam Khan nor ECB could offer convincing reasons behind the extraordinary circumstances that led to the disappearance/sacking of the sacred cows.

While Doosra cannot pinpoint the exact reasons behind Pietersen’s shock sacking, here are seven possibilities that may have forced ECB’s hand:

1. KP was caught red-handed stealing Alastair Cook's mascara;

2. KP's exciting shot-making was proving a bad influence on the impressionable young minds in a country determined to practise and perfect a brand of batsmanship that can cure insomnia;

3. KP was found to have replaced Andy Flower's shampoo with a mild pesticide and when caught, offered this bizarre explanation: "This is a standard horticulture remedy for any pest-ridden Flower."

4. His IPL earning was embarrassing UK's GDP;

5. KP was a divisive figure even at the breakfast table. While others asked for bacon and egg, he insisted on egg and bacon. It only proves KP never really embraced English culture;

6. KP winning matches single-handedly was a blatant act of defiance and gross violation of what is essentially a team game invented by the British;

7. KP often behaved as if he were KP.


Wednesday, 22 January 2014

Afridi's Secret Diary: Back After A Whale

I'm returning back after a whale. Was busy like nobody's business and losted this dairy which I thinked our family goat have eated. I'm joy it's alive and I can right again. The goat is not aliving though, we eated the testy animal.

Many things happened in the last some months of the past. In the first in cricket, Sachin Tendulkar is no more. (My girl daughter telling me 'no more' is uncorrect. It should be "no more playing cricket". This kids. They may be little in age but you teach so much from them. Kids are like kidneys, be there caretaker).

Ok, Tendulkar being retired. But he doing it only once and I done it so many times that you need toes also to count. Some times I am not knowing weather I am playing or retiring. At list in one field, I'm before of Tendulkar like nobody's business.

People say cricket will be pour without Sachin. Same time, he will be pour without cricket. Arrey, he not getting match fees and advertisemens like olden days.

In other hand, Australia win Ashes like nobody's business. I not unaccepted it. I thinked England having good form and Australia having very little good form.

Mitchell Johnson bowled liked nobody's business. He wanting like keeling England's batsmans. And that intimating mousetouch! Waise I too having mousetouch. I not saving daily. Not because I wanting to shave money. I wanting to keep a stable which pupil think is cold. (Girl daughter telling me it's not 'cold' but 'cool'. Read it cool, ok? He will be happy. Kids are like kidneys, make those happy)

Also in the middle time, Imran Khan lossed election. It was bad. Wins and losses are part of cricket. But not in politics. Their you are a looser if you loose. But I like him like nobody's business. And he is still being free, dislike Musharraf who can anytime go jail which is either good or bad.

No more righting today. Wish all my fans a pieceful happy new year.

Saturday, 18 January 2014

"...And miles to go before I sleep" and 7 variations

"...And miles to go before I sleep"

Now why on earth Robert Frost felt it necessary to share his sleeping habits with us is something we'd never know but as luck would have it, the seven-word-sentence mentioned above happens to be one of the most quoted lines of poetry.

Below are the seven variations of the line from Frost's "Stopping by Woods on a Snowy Evening":

1. Miles to go before I sleep ~ Kumbhakarna.

2. Miles to go before eye-to-eye sleep ~ Tahir Shah

3. Inches to go before I sleep ~ HD Deve Gowda

4. Smiles to go before I sleep ~ Navjot Sidhu

5. Kilometres to go before I sleep ~ Staunch metric system supporter

6. Miles to go before iSleep ~ Apple generation

7. Frequent flier miles to go before I sleep ~ Pratibha Patil