Sunday, 18 September 2016

What Ails Olympics Opening Ceremony (2/2)

Qatar: Ladies and gentlemen, let me present next the Qatari team. They are so rich that the security guard they tipped outside the stadium has just made it to the Forbes' list. The same people who are planning a central AC for the entire country for the 2022 FIFA World Cup.

Russia: Russia follows next, though without the swagger that you associate with them and instead sucking some liquids. Don't get me wrong, they are clearly the cleanest bunch of athletes, having undergone so many tests. They have dehydrated themselves giving urine samples and sipping innocuous drinks to rehydrate themselves.
Sierra Leone: Here's a tiny contingent from Sierra Leone. And some of you thought Sierra Leone is Sunny Leone’s sister. The country grapples with Ebola when it's not caught in a bloody civil war. More than medals, they need medicines.

Syria: Special welcome to the Syrian contingent, comprising of people who successfully escaped the bloody civil war. They have already requested IOC to consider giving them ammunition instead of medal to help fight ISIS.

Somalia: Somalia has sent a tiny contingent. They won't be allowed to participate in water-sports though, lest they hijack boats and take rowers hostage.

Thailand: Here comes Thailand and no, they are not fighting but massaging each other.

Saudi Arabia: Saudi Arabia, ladies and gentlemen, one of the richest countries in the world. There have an unprecedented four women athletes in the contingent and they are very excited. After all the is the moment they all have been waiting -- to drive a car, something they aren't allowed back home, on the roads of Rio. They plan to buy a car and abandon them, money is not the issue you see. Also, to they plan to drive incognito, by revealing their faces, so no one can identify them.

United States: The superpower in every sense, here comes the United States. If meddling in others' affairs is made an Olympic sport, they will win gold hands down and celebrate it by bombing an oil-rich state. Apparently, everything that's wrong with this world has got something to do with this country. In addition to their strong events, US is likely to win all shooting medals, provided the competition takes place in a college campus. Apparently, White House is trying to bully Rio into shifting it to Federal University premises.

Saturday, 10 September 2016

What Ails Olympics Opening Ceremony (1/2)

I did not stay up to watch the opening ceremony of the Rio Olympics. I always felt the Olympic opening ceremony is the most expensive way to teach kids country names. Besides, the timing for Rio was more suitable for burglars and petty criminals, including but not confined to call centre slaves.

Also one loathe the way countries are introduced every year by unimaginative announcers. If you ask me, this is how certain countries should be introduced:

Greece: Dear ladies and gentlemen, as always, we begin with the original host of the Games, who came up with the concept of Olympics and has paid the price by going bankrupt. Remember kids, this is the country which gave birth to Pythagoras whose theorem ruined our teens.

Australia: A country rich with flora and fauna, including Koala, Kangaroo and Andrew Symonds; also a country where every advice begins with “mate...”

Bangladesh: Here we have country that makes most of our designed garments nearly for free. Check the Zara top you are wearing or the GAP jeans, if it doesn't say "Made in Bangladesh", chances are they are counterfeits. They are also the biggest suppliers of domestic helps and rickshawallas to India's National Capital region. Also, as some of you know, they are leading the drive for a blogger-free world.

Bhutan: Here comes the Bhutan contingent, a beaming smile on their faces. As you know, especially those who have seen "The Lunchbox", the tiny Himalayan country is the happiest nation in the world. Medal or no medal, they'd return home happy and beaming. It makes them the Games' most relaxed team, as opposed to China.

China: China's formidable contingent makes a grand entry. Take a good look at their stern and serious faces and you know it's a team under pressure. Some of them will win medals and thus be entitled to a daily bowl of state-sponsored noodles for the rest of their life. Some of them will fail, and will either vanish off the face of earth and be sent to work as a brick kiln worker for the rest of their lives.

Ethiopia: Running behind them is Ethiopia. If you wonder why they are looking more haggard than they normally do, it's because they started from Addis Ababa two months back. The athletes can't afford air tickets and are expected to pick most of the long-distance medals as they return home running. They don't mind some UN aid on their home either.

Iceland: Iceland for you, dear spectators. The flag-bearer is a judoka but who knows, maybe he is a professional snake milker. It's his grip on the flagpole that suggests so. Of their three swimmers, one is an ostrich babysitter, another a professional queuer and the third one clears tiger's ear in a circus. The team includes a javelin thrower who is an earthworm psychologist and a discus thrower who is a promising scarecrow.

India: If there was an Olympic gold for athlete-to-official ratio, here comes the team which would have never missed it. Welcome India. They have sent 46 athletes, who are accompanied by 27 percent of the country's bureaucracy along with their drivers, maids and maalishwala.

Jamaica: Enters the colourful Jamaican squad led by the world's fastest man, Usain Bolt. Err, it's a blur now. I mean he was here! I swear I'm not drunk. I think I saw them entering and they went like a flash. We'll check the tapes folks.

Japan: Next we have Japan, the country that taught us how to eat merely-concussed fishes and call it Sushi. Arguably the most behaved nation, which has stored away its collective anger in volcanoes.

Kenya: The Kenyan contingent runs into the stadium. Like Ethiopia, they couldn't afford airfare either and are reaching here after two months of inter-continental criss-crossing. They are natural runners who started running even before they could walk. Not really a surprise when you grow up being chased by starving Lions and indignant Cheetahs. Even if they don't win a medal, some of the athletes hope to catch Angelina Jolie's eyes and get adopted.

Mauritius: Ladies and gentleman, please welcome Mauritius. Dear little kids, it's the island nation where most of you were conceived. In fact, marriages are not solemnised if you haven't honeymooned in Mauritius. Also draws tax cheats.

Nepal: Ladies and gentlemen, please clap for Nepal. When not climbing Mt Everest after every domestic dispute, they are electing a new PM. Also the country that gave us the wonderful Manisha Koirala and the less wonderful Acharya Balkrishna of Patanjali fame.

North Korea: Here comes the Games' most assured contingent, the wonderfully nuclear-abled North Korea. They left home declaring themselves as the Olympic champions and will nuke anyone who disputes that.

Pakistan: Here comes a small contingent from Pakistan. Apparently, their sports ministry wanted to select the squad but eventually ISI handpicked the candidates. Some believe they are here to find Imran Khan's next wife. ( be continued)

Sunday, 3 July 2016

Doosra interviews Shastri after spat with Ganguly

As if losing India head coach's job was not bad enough, Ravi Shastri picked a fight with, of all people, Sourav Ganguly.

As it happens in any scrap with Ganguly, and a significant chunk of Australian population will vouch for it, the experience has been rather unpleasant for Shastri.

Shastri was naturally downbeat when Doosra met him but still agreed to bare his heart in this interview.

Excerpts from an interview which ended abruptly due to circumstances.

Doosra: Did the interview took place in a cordial atmosphere?
Shastri: No complaint about the atmosphere. I was sitting in a Thai beach, beer in hand and shaking a leg with the hip, young crowd. The atmosphere was electrifying and as the day progressed, it was only going to get hotter.

Doosra: Well, when you applied for the job, what was your expectation?
Shastri: Look boss. I'm a cool customer. I approached it with lot of positivity. I knew if I want to win it, I need to play well. I have the experience, I knew the guys on the panel and naturally I thought that all three results were possible.

Doosra: Err, all three?
Shastri: Yes. Me getting the job, they giving me the job and the job coming to me -- all three results looked fairly possible.

Doosra: That's probably taking it for granted. But why from Thailand and via Skype? Why didn't you, like Anil Kumble, appear in person?
Shastri: Just what the doctor ordered.

Doosra: Sorry?
Shastri: I mean that's what the doctor told me. Coaching and commentary put me under lot of stress. My family physician suggested I take a break and go to a beach somewhere. So I took the aerial route!

Doosra: But Kumble made a proper two-hour presentation and your spoke barely for 45 minutes.
Shastri: To hell with five-day tests and two-hour presentations. What's wrong with 45-minute presentations? I began with "KOLKATA, ARE YOU READY!" That should have been enough.

Doosra: Evidently that was not enough. Anyway, 57 people applied for the job. Do you think eventually it boiled down to you and Kumble?
Shastri: Look boss, it was a pressure cooker scenario. Anil was firing on all cylinders, so I upped the ante. It was going down to the wire. In the end, cricket, I mean Anil, was the real winner. All because of that @#$%^&* Ganguly.

Doosra: You think Sourav has a problem with you?
Shastri: How would I know? He left even before my interview began. But all three results are possible?

Doosra: Like?
Shastri: Like - he hates me, he loathes or he detests me.

Doosra: One must say that you started it by accusing him of showing "disrespect". How hurt were you by the way he hit back?
Shastri: When he hits, it stays hit. He went for the jugular.

Doosra: In the end, what do you think clinch it for Kumble?
Shastri: He got good 'purchase' from the wicket (winks).

Doosra: You think it could have been different had you been physically present at the interview?
Shastri: Maybe they didn't like me doing it from abroad. Remember, we are dealing in boundaries here!

Doosra: When did you realise the finger has gone up?
Shastri: When I saw Ganguly was absent. By the way, I got a feeling here - that you are making fun of me. Are you?

Doosra: All three results are possible.
Shastri: Like?

Doosra: Like -- mocking you, ridiculing you or taking the mickey out of you.
Shastri: No half-measures here, will come after you like a tracer bullet...

Sunday, 24 April 2016

Celebs mouth Shakespeare lines on the Bard's 400th death anniversary

1. Friends, Romans, countrymen, lend me your ears ~ Evander Holyfield

2. Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day? ~ Sunny Leone's co-stars

3. What's in a name? ~ North West/Deshabandu Warnakulasuriya Patabendige Ushantha Joseph Chaminda Vaas

4. A man can die but once ~ Gabbar Singh

5. I am one who loved not wisely but too well ~ Kangana Ranaut

6. The course of true love never did run smooth ~ Indrani Mukherjee

7. To be, or not to be, that is the question ~ Adnan Sami, before accepting Indian citizenship.

8. A horse! a horse! my kingdom for a horse ~ BJP Uttarakhand

9. I have no Spur to prick the sides of my intent, but only vaulting ambition ~ Mauricio Pochettino

10. I have not slept one wink ~ HD Deve Gowda

11. I must be cruel, only to be kind ~ Finance Minister

12. It is a wise father that knows his own child ~ ND Tiwari

Saturday, 23 April 2016

Math Celebs

Sachin ππππππππ...

Laxmikant ||

∑nd Freud

Bridgitte III.

λ Pehelwan

Catherine ζ Jones

Vikram { }h

Thursday, 18 February 2016

Anaconda bites Warne: 5 Conspiracy Theories

One hears that Shane Warne, bored with retirement, has gone ahead and got his head bitten by an anaconda on a reality show.

While people behind "I’m A Celebrity...Get Me Out Of Here!" are laughing all the way to the bank, here are the 5 Conspiracy Theories currently doing the rounds:

1. Steve Waugh strategically placed the rogue anaconda in that box;

2. An aspiring leggie itself, the anaconda was trying to pick Warne's brain, literally;

3. John Buchanan called Cricket Australia after the incident, to inquire if the snake was out of danger;

4. Warne was celebrating Nag Panchami when things went wrong;

5. Warne heard anaconda's venom is an excellent hair growth agent.

Wednesday, 3 February 2016

7 Frank Bank Names

1. Pajama Canara Bank
2. State Bank of Eysore
3. SubStandard Chartered Bank
4. AudaCity Bank
5. Icy Icy Eye Bank
6. Douche Bank
7. Central Bonkers of India