Thursday, 28 May 2015

The existential crisis in animal kingdom nobody will tell you about

"It's a dog's life" is the common refrain of human existence but frankly speaking, we simply have no idea what our canine friends and other animals are going through.

The general discontentment with life, I'm reliably told, is rife among them. Truth is, no animal is happy being what he is and believes Life has played a dirty trick on them by generously handing out certain fruit of the Citrus genus while maintaining a wicked silence on the important procedure of lemonade-making.

The poor animals laid bare their soul in one of their nocturnal gatherings moderated by an elderly cow and Doosra reproduces it verbatim.

Let me tell you, if this doesn’t exhaust your monthly supply of tissue boxes, you have a stone where a heart was supposed to be.

Mosquito: Guys, to be honest, I've lost the urge to live on. I'm not overreacting when I say blood doesn’t taste what it used to be.

Cow: Well my little friend, don't say like that. It's a grossly imperfect world but one should not succumb so easily to pessimism. What makes you so cynic?

Mosquito: Listen bro, you know I'm a mutant mosquito, quite a tough nut to crack. None of the repellants they've invented really works on me. But I can't be too fond of a life spent trying to avoid being squashed between the palms. I'd rather be reborn as a Sajid Khan film. At least no one would clap!

Cow: I hear you, totally. Cheer up mate. You think I’m happy being what I am? No! Even I wanted to make it big in life. I wish I were raised in Chennai and one day they showered a Jayalalithaa or a Rajinikant banner with my milk. Imagine, my milk! Everyone needs a tale to tell their grandchildren in the twilight of their life. I'm no exception.

Dog: I see where you're coming from bud, for I have my own little ambition and it's not being hailed as "man's best friend" by the same human being who'd tie crackers to my tail in Diwali and derive sadistic pleasure out of my inelegant panic.

Cow: So what's your dream my friend?

Dog: Some day, I wish to chase a Ferrari car in a Formula One race and wet the tyre of a brand new Mercedes. I can die in peace after that.

Cow: I hope it comes true my friend. I guess our friend, the illustrious Royal Bengal Tiger has no real regrets in life, being the darling of the environmentalists who'd lay their lives to protect you?

Royal Bengal Tiger: It's fat good being the darling of a tribe which is more endangered than I am. What drives me nuts is the fact that despite being the grandest of tigers, I'm still not a brand! And if you're not a brand, let me tell you, market economy would not even look back at you. I'd rather be a Jaguar or even a Puma, even if it's a drastic demotion for me in the hierarchy.

Cow: I missed that angle, obviously. Well, I won't call Peacock a brand yet but I think our beautiful feathery friend can't complain not being in demand.

Peacock: Dear cow, don't take it personally but you are simply talking through your hat. Try living in shrinking habitats, in constant fear of being denuded of your plumes. And what's the use of being beautiful and yet retire as soon as the sun sets? I wish I were an owl instead.

Cow: And why's that?

Peacock: Because they have exciting nightlife (winks).

Owl: Nightlife my foot! Given a chance, I'll be happily swapping my chronic insomnia with any normal bird. It's very humiliating when certain birds sarcastically wish us "have a good day".

Cow: Well, you certainly have a point. Dear cockroach, you too nurse a grudge like that?

Cockroach: No, I nurse revenge only. I just want to be reborn as a human being, as a cheating boyfriend -- a charismatic Casanova, a relentless Romeo, a deadly Don Juan...

Cow: Calm down my friend, so much of excitement is not good for your tiny body.

Cockroach: Well, I want to teach at girls lesson for their collective over-reaction at the mere sight of any of us.

Cow: I got your point. You too believe life has been harsh on you dear Zebra?

Zebra: What else? Look at me, cursed with a permanent black-and-white life while the world has long back moved to colours. I'd rather be a chameleon. The other day, I heard this ant on my neck telling its friend: "you'd be in trouble if you try to run over me, I’m on zebra crossing."

Cow: What’s your take monkey?

Monkey: Listen bro. Let's admit, life here is not what it should have been here. I just want to relocate to a Banana Republic, ASAP.

Saturday, 21 March 2015

Lost And Found In Translation: Ui Ma Ui Ma Mar Gayi Re



"Mamma miya, this must be the end
My consent was inadvertent
Your eyes, your words
I blanched, my love, I was so frightened."

"Mamma mia -- this song and dance
Why did you love me in the first instance?"
"You are naughty, oh my boy
I'm feeling rather coy
You said, I did, didn't I?
And all limits we did transcend."

"You’re a love-fraud, I ain't kidding
It’s far from love, it’s plain cheating”
“Hand-on-heart, didn’t you consent
One day you’d make me content?
When time's here to deliver
Now you backtrack! Excellent!”

Mamma miya, this must be the end
Yes-no, and then no consent
My eyes, my words...
My love you got so frightened!"


Original:
Ui ma ui ma mar gayi re
Anjane me haan kar gayi re
Teri ankho se teri baton se
Sajan mai kitna darr gayi re

Ui ma uima karna tha
To pyar na mujhse karna tha
Shaitan bana tu aj piya
Mujhko ati hai laj piya
Jo tune kaha woh maine kiya
Ab hadd se baat gujar gayi re.

Tu ashiq number do ka hai
Yeh pyar nahi hai dhoka hain
Tu kehti thi dil bhar dungi
Ekdin tujhko khush kar dungi
Jab wade ka din aya to
Wade se saaf mukar gayi re.

Ui ma ui ma kar gayi re
Haan kar ke toh nah kar gayi re
Meri ankho se meri bato se
Sajni tu kitna darr gayi re

Sunday, 15 March 2015

To Rahul, With Love ~ Delhi Police

Oh dear Rahul, why make a fuss
Over simple questions and simple answers
What makes you weary?
We got simple query
Fair or dusky?
Baritone or husky?
How is your skin?
Patchy? Porcelain?
Eyes and their colour
Turquoise? azure?
The hair, kindly fill in
Silky, grey and thinning?
Once we get these right
We hit matrimonial site
Find a girl compatible,
So please don't quibble
No need to fret
Kindly co-operate ~ Thanks, Delhi Police

(Pix: AFP)

Friday, 13 March 2015

Lost And Found In Translation: Angna Me Baba Duare Pe Ma



Translation:
"Dad's manning courtyard, and mom too guarding
How can I, oh beloved, at this hour drop in?"

"Dad's gone to field silly, mom's gone shopping
I'm alone at home, goddamn, just drop in."

"Suppose I drop in, what about food?"
"Will cook halwa and puri to boot,
"Out of my soft hand, you don't mind eating?"

"Halwa, puri make me drowsy, I may need siesta
"Don't sweat over that, I'll spread dupatta...
Have a lie-down and you'd feel topping...

"What if mom barges in, she'd eat me raw (3)
"I'll tell her ‘say hi to your son-in-law’
To ask for my hand, bugger, just drop in."

Original:
Angna mein baba duaare pe ma
Kaise aaye gori ham tohre ghar ma

Angna mein baba duaare pe ma
Kaise aaye gori ham tohre ghar ma

Khet gaye baba bazaar gayi maa
Akeli hu ghar maa tu aa ja balma

Ghar maan jo aaibe to hamein ka khilaibe
Garam garam halva aur poori pakaibe
Naram naram haathon se kha jaa baalma

Halwa poori khaive to nindiya sataibe
Sjiya mein tohare liye aanchal bichhaibe
Siiya ki kismat jaga ja balma

Kya hoga bazaar se maa jo aayi
Keh doongi maa ye hai tera jamaai
Haath mera maangne ko aa jaa baalma
(P.S. The new ‘Lost And Found In Translation’ series is an attempt to shame the committee which awards Nobel in literature until they shed their baffling snobbery and give the Bollywood devil his is due)

Saturday, 28 February 2015

Decoding Budget 2015


Chuck the economics mumbo-jumbo. In a nutshell, some stuff have just got more expensive and some cheaper. Ignore the economic gobbledygook and read on as Doosra explains the ramifications of the change in prices of certain stuff.

CHEAPER:
1. Agarbattis: A massive boost for Bollywood. How? Well, more producers can now burn them in front of their late parent’s B/W portrait and shoot the scene to be shown before opening credits;

2. Ambulance Service: Smart move, aimed at encouraging citizens to fall ill, which would in turn boost, among other, pharma sector and the death care industry;

3. Visiting zoos/national park: Disastrous step. More nutcases will now jump into tiger cages and become instant snacks;

4. Leather footwear priced above Rs 1000: Welcome move, especially for girls. Most sub-1000 footwears don’t last a five-minute thrashing of one of those male scoundrels that roam the world.

5. Pacemakers: Wise step. Those who have it ran 24x7 the risk of getting mugged at gun point. Making it cheaper means it’s no more lucrative in black market.


COSTLIER:
1. Cigarettes: A fundamentally-flawed move to curb cancer. People won’t stop smoking if you make cigarette costlier, something every budget has been doing. If you are really serious about curbing smoking, make cigarette so cheap that nobody would smoke it fearing they’d look downmarket. People buy iPhone because it roughly costs whatever a Chinese teenager’s kidney fetches from open market. Make it cheap and people won’t touch it with a 10-foot pole.

2. Eating out: Perfect move. For long, gastrointestinal diseases were so cheap that any Tom, Dick and Harry could dine out and get it. This move

3. Plastic bags: As Ravi Shastri would say: Just what the doctor ordered. It would force the stingy Bollywood actors to pay more for the stuff they collect and melt to cover up bodily flaws.

4. Cement. A masterstroke to rein in Jaitley’s BCCI colleague N Srinivasan. The more expensive it is, the fewer buyer. This would undermine India Cements chief Srinivasan’s affluence and clout in cricket world;

5. Liquor & Chit fund: A harsh move which effectively means if you’ve lost money in chit fund, you can’t even drown that sorrow in alcohol.

(Pix: Bloomberg)

Sunday, 15 February 2015

India v Pakistan: 7 Takeaways

1. For India, Shikhar Dhawan and Virat Kohli forged the kind of partnership that, if noticed by Hindu Mahasabha, would have redefined their marital status;

2. Like any other partnership in life, the one between Dhawan and Kohli also ended courtesy a misunderstanding;

3. Science Fact: Gravity is stronger between the fingers of an Akmal.

4. There was so much wind in Adelaide that Indian potato chips manufacturers are planning plants there;

5. Considering how windy it was in Adelaide, ICC missed a golden opportunity to generate electricity by connecting Mohammad Irfan's long, windmilling arms to a generator;

6. By ruling Umar Akmal out, TV umpire Steve Davis has leapfrogged India in any popularity chart in Pakistan;

7. The crowd at the sellout crowd made so much noise that man-of-the-match Virat Kohli confessed he had a distinct feeling of being in the Newshour studio with Arnab Goswami at full throttle.

World Cup Day 1: 7 Observations

1. Aaron Finch gives the impression that he spends leisure time skinning wild buffaloes alive with a blunt knife;

2. As captain, Eoin Morgan now has more ducks than you can hope to find in a rural Bengal pond on a given day;

3. Freed from captaincy, Morgan can express himself better. As Hollywood would vouch, what suits England most is a Morgan Freeman.

4. Mitchell is Australia’s answer to Bollywood’s Rahul. Mitchells comprised 3/11th of the Australian line-up;

5. Steven Finn’s hat-trick will go down in history as a cricketing feat as memorable as something which presently escapes my mind;

6. Sri Lanka’s 98-run defeat to New Zealand is their worst since going down to Lord Ram;

7. Mahinda Rajapakse’s defeat appeared to hang heavily on Lasith Malinga’s mind.