Alternative ICC Awards

ICC Emerging Husband of the Year ~ Virat Kohli

ICC Headline Writers' Delight of the Year ~ Lungi Ngidi

ICC Brawler of the Year ~ Ben Stokes

ICC Materazzi of 22 Yards ~ Jonny Bairstow

ICC Fake Kapil Dev of the Year ~ Hardik Pandya

ICC Best Non-Pregnancy Vomiter of the year ~ Suranga Lakmal

ICC Boomerang Captain of the Year ~ Angelo Mathews

ICC Usain Bolt Between Stumps of the Year ~ Cheteshwar Pujara

ICC Detest Player of the Year ~ Rohit Sharma

ICC Best Partnership of the Year ~ Imran Khan & Bushra Maneka

P.S. In case actual ICC awards interest you, read it here:

Doosra Annual Awards 2018 (UNESCO certified)

That time of the year again.

Here goes Doosra Annual Awards 2018.

And remember, UNESCO has recognised it as the best set of awards!

Begana Wedding of the Year that had entire India Subcontinent Deewana ~ Virushka.

Kneeanderthal of the Year ~ Priyanka Chopra, for outraging a Sanskari nation by wearing a knee-length dress to a meeting with the PM.

Thesaurus Sale Booster of the Year ~ Shashi Tharoor, for his exasperating farrago of rodomontade and much more.

Best Kept Secret of the Year ~ Location of Virushka Wedding.

Worst Kept Secret of the Year ~ Rahul Gandhi's promotion.

The Annual Celeb-Kid-Shoved-Down-Our-Throat ~ Taimur Ali Khan.

Human Sriharikota of the Year ~ Salman Khan, who is launching his brother-in-law in Bollywood.

Neptune of Nepotism of the Year ~ Karan Johar, for launching yet another pair of Bollywood star kids -- Janhvi Kapoor and Ishan Khattar.

Disowned Loose Cannon of the Year ~ Mani Shankar Aiyyar.

Dogman Of the Year ~ Gurmeet Ram Rahim.

Ideal Neighbour of the Year ~ Sri Lanka, for continuing with their India tour even after their cricketers choked in toxic Delhi air and vomited their inside out.

Most Anticipated and Pending Return of the Year ~ A three-way tie featuring Black money from Swiss banks, Vijay Mallya and Lalit Modi.

Titanic Of the Year ~ RBI as its reputation hit the demonetisation iceberg and sank without trace.

Harry Houdini of the YearStudent of the Year ~ Virat Kohli, for successfully dumping 'headmaster' Anil Kumble.

Vincent Maruti Van Gogh of the Year ~ Mamata di, for her paintings like this.

Fickle Friend of the Year ~ Nitish Kumar, for dumping RJD.

Lord Hanuman of the 22 Yards ~ Rohit Sharma, for torching Lanka here and here.

Worst Investors of the Year - 'Padmavati' producers.

Application For The Post Of Team India Head Coach

To
Shri Sachin Tendulkar
Shri Sourav Ganguly
Shri VVS Laxman

Subject: Application for Head Coach, Team India

Dear Sirs,

This is in response to your advertisement for the post of Head Coach, Team India. Kindly convey my sincere thanks to Anil Kumble Sir, for creating a vacancy when the job market is shrinking like hemline in summer.

I don't really know why he quit but can make an educated guess that he paid the price for trying to be the Greg Chappell from Bangalore.

I heard he was determined to bring Virat's meeting with Anushka strictly under the FTP.

Being an ICC Cricket Committee member, he also insisted that Virat mouthed only MCC-approved, gender-neutral expletives. Apparently, he was mortally scared of having to say "Only one team is abusing in the true spirit of the game and it's not India."

A renowned wildlife photographer, he reportedly sought BCCI approval to drop Axar Patel in front of a starving lion in Gir to capture the beast's yawn.

While I don't boast a record like Anil sir, I have none of his eccentricities either.

I think the first attribute of a good coach is vision and mine is 20/20. I'm attaching the ophthalmologist's report corroborating it. Unlike Anil Sir, I can see the writing on the wall.

My biggest strength is that I've never coached any team in my life. I'm attaching endorsement letters from eight clubs confirming they never considered me worthy of the job.

My inexperience means existing ideas have not polluted or confined my views, and that I won't be just recycling the standard coaching practices to justify my salary. No.

As someone with no knowledge of cricket coaching, my ideas are naturally fresh, completely unbiased and potentially revolutionary.

It may shock the players initially but that's how all revolutionary ideas kick in -- with a bang and not whimper.

Unlike Anil Sir, I have a better idea of what the job entails. Trust me, I have no illusion about the job.

Players at this age don't need a coach. What they need is someone who is decent at baby-sitting. For instance, I've noticed players like Shikhar Dhawan tour with the entire family in tow.

I can look after the kids while their dads play and moms shop. I'm attaching endorsement letters from neighbourhood moms who'd vouch for my baby-sitting skills. I don't want to brag but I can change diaper blindfolded and with one arm tied behind my back.

I can even take their wives/girlfriends to shopping, in an "elder-brotherly" manner, if you know what I mean. I'm great at haggling and can get them the best deal anywhere. I'm attaching letters of endorsement from three exasperated shopkeepers to support my claim.

I know bit of cooking as well. So, for instance, if Rohit Sharma wants a bowl of noodles and walks out to bat, I can serve it piping hot when he returns.

I understand the job requires thick skin and I blush to inform that daily hundreds of mosquitoes blunt their precious proboscis trying to suck my blood. I'm attaching a clinical profile of the skin to support my claim.

As for mindset, after a decade of marital bliss, I'm clinically immune to criticism, sarcasm, humiliation and outright insults.

I read Anil Sir was the 'alpha male' in the dressing room. Kindly tell Virat that I'm ready to be the 'omega male' and he should not worry.

Sirs, in keeping with the demand of the job, I'm ready to feel unheeded and unwanted, and ridiculed behind my back.

If I understand it correctly, you are looking for a high-profile good-for-nothing, who should assiduously twiddle his thumb while the captain calls the shots.

I understand as Head Coach, my job would be to front the media after crushing defeats and dust the captain's chair before he addresses news folks post-victory.

Without further testing your presence, I believe I've strongly demonstrated that I have a crystal-clear understanding of the job.

Please find attached my CV. Should you need any further information, just give me a miss call and I'll call you back.


Yours sincerely
A permanently married, temporarily jobless Indian

Exclusive Interview of Rohit Sharma's Talent (RST)

Doosra: Hi, you there?
RST: What do you mean you there?

Doosra: Odd. I can hear you but I can't see. The chair is empty. Are you real? I mean, do you really exist?
RST: what do you mean? You don't really suggest Rohit Sharma's talent is non-existent, do you?

Doosra: Well, it's very disconcerting. I feel like Annu Kapoor entertaining an invisible Anil Kapoor in "Mr India". If you exist, why can't I see you?
RST: You don't see Bappi Lahiri's eyes either, but that doesn't mean he doesn't possess any. Look through the prism of devotion, and you'd see me, you obnoxious non-believer.

Doosra: Are you a myth or reality? Does Rohit really have any talent?
RST: Loads of it, more than he knows what to do with it. Trust me, the guy is stuffed to the gills with talent. Look how obese I am!

Doosra: I still can't see you...
RST: That's because you are a cynic moron. Yesterday he cut his finger and you know what he bled? Talent. He is full of it, he's oozing it all the time through his pores. In fact, he has surplus talent. At times he has to spit it, vomit it and even defecate it. Or he'd explode.

Doosra: What rubbish.
RST: On the contrary, if ICC is really serious about improving cricket's standard in associate nations, they should sprinkle Rohit's bathwater on the cricketers from those countries.

Doosra: Outrageous. I find it difficult to accept. Talent was Wasim Akram, who could bowl six different deliveries in an over.
RST: Wasim was a kid and must be thanking his stars that his career didn't coincide with Rohit's. Rohit can squeeze in a boundary even in a three-run knock. He can edge even when shadow-practising. And he can outsmart any bowler by offering multiple dismissal options in each delivery.

Doosra: If he is indeed so talented, why can't he score consistently?
RST: I'll pardon you for being such a chump. All talents, by nature, are like that. If Leonardo da Vince had to churn out a masterpiece every day, he'd have probably come up with Mona Singh and not Mona Lisa. Same with Rohit - masterclass or mastercrap. Nothing in between.

Doosra: Records don't really back that. Apart from the two 200-plus ODI scores, both at home, there's pretty much no real masterclass to justify his billing as the best thing to come out of Mumbai since Sachin Tendulkar.
RST: That's a wrong way to put it.

Doosra: I'm glad you agree.
RST: No, I meant the truth is Tendulkar is the best thing to come out of Mumbai before Rohit happened. I'm afraid, world cricket will always be divided into pre-Rohit and post-Rohit eras.

Doosra: Whatever. I think the trick is to combine talent with hard work. Lara was gifted, but Sachin worked harder and see where they ended up.
RST: Utter rubbish. See, Rohit can't work hard, it would be suicidal for him.

Doosra: And how?
RST: Let me explain. See, every player is like a container, and Rohit is full to the brim with talent. Now to accommodate hard work, you have to tilt the container and drain some of the talent. Now who in his right mind would waste talent like that? Where is the sense in it?

Doosra: It's ridiculous.
Talent: I agree, he's outrageously talented.

Doosra: You mean he won't improve ever?
RST: Don't be silly, where is the room?
Doosra: Guess, we have to live with it. Anyway, nice talking to you. See you...ok, forget it.

7 Indian Neologisms

1. Aaramkhor (n) : Idle loafer.

"!&?@#!#%&! You misfielded again!" Virat Kohli thundered into Rohit Sharma’s eardrum. "We are working our socks off and here you are loafing around! Saale aaramkhor!"

2. Agreeculture (n): Corporate culture where subordinates mindlessly agree to whatever their boss says.

The CEO is an ignorant moron but his subordinates don’t have the guts to tell him that. It’s a company which expects you to agree to whatever the boss says. I can't survive in an agreeculture like that.

3. Andolone (n): Fight a movement alone.

Anna Hazare began his anti-establishment movement alone before the Arvind Kejriwals joined him. Till then it was Andolone.

4. Artifacial (n+adj) : Beauty parlour.

After the IPL spot-fixing scandal ended his cricket career, Sreesanth opened an artifacial shop in Kochi.

5. Solemate (n) : Friends who share footwear.

Few were surprised as Greg Chappell turned up in the press conference in Sourav Ganguly’s Kolhapuri chappals. They are known solemates after all.

6. Detergentleman (n): Male dhobi.

His Bollywood career gone up in smoke, Uday Chopra is trying to eke out a living as a determined detergentleman.

7. Emptea (adj) : State of the tea cup which has just been drained.

India’s most popular TV anchor, a human volcano, is actually a henpecked husband, often seen washing emptea cups at home to please his dominant wife.

Sugarpova Effect: 8 Indian Cricketers And Their Potential Brand Surnames

A recent NASA study reveals only two human voices reach Mars – the first being Arnab Goswami’s when he’s collaring the Newshour debate with aplomb; and the second, Maria Sharapova’s grunt when she is whacking the ball.

The tennis tsarina, and I’m not talking about Mr Goswami, recently appealed to a Florida court seeking to temporarily change her surname to ‘Sugarpova’ for the duration of the US Open before abandoning the marketing stunt.

For the uninitiated, Sugarpova is the candy line Sharapova owns

In the end, Maria Sugarpova didn’t materialise. In fact, the poor richest female athlete pulled out of US Open with a shoulder injury.

Taking it from there, Doosra lists eight Indian cricketers and what should have been their natural brand surnames.




1. Sourav Scholl: When things got tense, Sourav Ganguly chewed his nails as if they were Greg Chappell. Legend has it Scholl patterned their nail-clipper after Dada.

2. Rohit Maggi: The first joke an average Indian kid learns is that you put maggi two-minute noodles on oven when Rohit Sharma walks out to bat and serve it hot when he’s back in the pavilion.



3. Shikhar Moustache: Shikhar Dhawan possesses contemporary cricket’s most famed handlebar and Moustache jeans can’t sign a better person to revive the brand that was fairly popular in small-time towns.



4. Harbhajan KFC: Even his detractors would admit he was a ‘Finger-licking good’ spinner before being reduced to a thumb-sucking has-been.

5. Ajit Nokia: Ajit Chandila has been connecting people so that they could fix IPL matches.

6. Sir Ravindra Good Knight: He is as efficient as the mosquito repellent brand. Has also assumed Knighthood without waiting for the queen to confer one on him.

7. Mahendra Singh Pawan Hans: There is a general consensus even among the armed forces that Dhoni manufactures India’s best helicopters.



8. Virat Cisco: If you closely look at the Cisco logo, it resembles human digits with two rather outsized middle fingers, jutting out as if Virat Kohli’s.

P.S. The Bounce list of T20 cricketers who might change their surnames is here.

5 Simple Joys Of A Guy's Life

1. Slipping a tattered, cellotaped currency note to one of those autowallas who fleece you on a daily basis;

2. Identifying the right passenger, anticipating his destination, positioning yourself accordingly and eventually occupying the seat he vacates, much to the envy of fellow commuters;

3. A pebble you casually threw hitting the lamp post bang in the middle and producing that sweet, musical sound you haven't heard in a long time;

4. Predicting a single digit score for Rohit Sharma and watching him living upto the expectations;

5. Realising your off day coincides with the last date for collection of contribution for the farewell of a colleague you don't really count among your pals.

I suspect that...

1. Alastair Cook and RP Singh endorse different mascara brands;

2. Pakistan Cricket Board has assured itself of the inaugural Gandhi Truth Award by revealing the minutiae of exactly what is keeping Shoaib Akhtar out of action these days;

3. When Lalit Modi mooted the two-IPLs-a-year theory, the scary thought fleeting through Glenn McGrath’s mind was that either his bum or the bench he is assigned to warm would invariably catch fire;

4. Sourav Ganguly is betting considerable money on Mashrafe Mortaza hurling three beamers on the trot at Brendon McCullum’s head at some stage in the T20 World Cup;

5. The only way to make Rohit Sharma click as a Team India player is to allow him wear a Deccan Chargers jersey inside;

6. Ventriloquism may seem as relevant to cricket as Paris Hilton is to rocket science but it might actually do the trick for MS Dhoni. History witness, Warne’s voice brings out the best in a Yusuf Pathan and Gilchrist’s words have magic on Rohit;

7. The recent attacks on the Indians in Australia is essentially a backlash of Harbhajan Singh’s highly misinterpreted invocation of Andrew Symonds’ mother in the infamous Monkeygate episode. Incidentally, Harbhajan’s nephew was recently killed by a taxi driver in Melbourne.

Live Oz vs BP XI match...day one

(What Neo won't show and Cricinfo won't tell)

1214: Feel like talking more about the lunch than the match. As it happens every time, Aussies grabbed three quick wickets to take upper hand. Yuvraj y'day said he has a point to prove, something he has not done yet. I mean he hit through mid-off, third man and mid-on. One past/through point too, please.

1231: Exactly 17 minutes after I submitted my requisition, Yuvraj hits through point. Thank You Sir. Point noted.

1235: Mitchell Johnson took a catch and grabbed a wicket as well before lunch. You probably can have a better bowler but certainly not a better lover. 'Notch' left Queensland for Western Australia to be with his lady love Jesssica Bratich. Considering Jessica is a former karate champion, just hope it was not under duress.

1259: You don't get to see an uglier dismissal. Yuvraj was all prose so far till Johnson banged this one short. Yuvi plans a pull and then abandons the plan altogether at the last moment. The ball hits his retreating bat and lobs up for Hussey to take a dolly at gully. It was almost an obscene end to a sublime knock. Tsk..tsk..tsk.

1406: Some people derive pleasure in making fun of others. Rohit Sharma is currently thumbing nose at the lack of vision of Krish Srikkanth & Co.

1429: A man in Khaki with a sniffer dog is making round of the ground right after 'Pup' completed the last over before tea. Cricket has gone to the dogs, no doubt about that.

2043: Back in hotel. Rohit was little sad in the press conference. The ton came a day late probably. Srikkanth was here, as was Hirwani and they patted Rohit, saying keep it up. Srikkanth being Srikkanth (that man speaks before he thinks, MAK Pataudi once said), he was itching to speak to the media but Hirwani played spoilsport and dragged him away. They are not supposed to talk about VRS plans for senior players. Hirwani's eargerness to toe BCCI line is understandable. BCCI resurrected him from obliviion and is paying to boot!

Worshipping false gods?

The manner of defeat can be more horrifying than defeat itself and I don’t think MS Dhoni or Gary Kirsten missed the obvious.

The Asia Cup slipped through fingers. Worse, Indian batters can’t play spin!

For the uninitiated, India has traditionally been the land of rope tricks, hemp, fakirs, tweakers and batters with supple wrists. Lo and behold! One more myth lays shattered.

It’s not about one Asia Cup or Ajantha Mendis’ bag of tricks. Let's admit Yuvraj Singh, Rohit Sharma, Robin Uthappa and Suresh Raina (did you say Dhoni himself?) are veritable duds against spin. And interestingly, they don’t exactly fancy the rib-ticklers either!

At least Sourav Ganguly, Rahul Dravid or VVS Laxman played spin better!

Are we worshipping the false gods, who, at best, are mere murderers of medium pace on docile tracks? Is Team India’s ODI future in safe hands?

But this was not supposed to be the case in this spin-fertile land where more tweakers sprout than ferns. You grow up playing them in serpentine bylanes, main streets on a bandh day, school grounds, practice nets and on full 22 yards at every level upwards. Then how come the sheer prospect of facing a spinner leaves you with paraplegic footwork and leaden wrists?

Consensus is Yuvraj is outrageously gifted, while Rohit is perhaps the best thing to come out of Mumbai since Tendulkar. Raina on the other hand is tipped, by the venerable Wisden, to define cricket in the next decade.

I’m afraid, unless this yawning chink in their armour is fixed, they would remain perpetual pretenders to the pedestals.

Image: AFP

Of IPL, Gurukul and ballsy tricks

My unflinching scepticism didn’t desert me when perpetrators of the IPL preached it would be a virtual Gurukul where tricks of the trade of the cherry and the blade would change hands, from the battle-hardened bunch to the greenhorn lot.

Ungrateful souls like Cheteshwar Pujara and Ranadeb Bose swear, and swear at, it’s otherwise but IPL has indeed lived up to the Gurukul hype and I’m especially impressed by the guru-shishya parampara in the Deccan Chargers camp.

Guru Gilly has been trying to hard sell his squash-ball trick but few actually heeded to his ballsy theory. Y Venugopal Rao –- so what if he sees a cheap coiffeur -- decided to give it a try and since then, he’s having a ball with the bat and runs haven’t stopped flowing from his blade. The Andhra right-hander is now the team’s third highest run-scorer, just behind his mentor and Rohit Sharma!

Apparently, the trend is spreading like blogging in Bollywood, with Scott Styris too game for such an experiment, even though he plans to do it with a golf ball.

You bungled the job, Colonel!

I have to admit that I had more respect for Dilip Vengsarkar than anyone who laid his bum on the chief selector’s chair in recent past. But to be honest, the Colonel has looked little confused of late and bungled up a sensitive issue.

The decision to sack Sourav Ganguly and Rahul Dravid has been mind-joggling. We indeed need to look beyond the stalwarts and keep the rookies ready to fill the void once they leave the scene. But there has been an unmistakably ugly effort to shove them out of the stage.

As it has been in the vogue of late to ape the Australians, Vengsarkar and his colleagues could have taken a look at the Aussie team, which has Andrew Symonds (33), Brett Lee (31), Stuart Clark (32), Mike Hussey (33), Ricky Ponting (33), Adam Gilchrist (36), Matthew Hayden (36), Brad Hogg (37) and Chris Rodgers (30) -- all in their 30s.

And thanks to their domestic structure, virtually a conveyor belt throwing up new talents every day, Australia apparently is not losing sleep fearing how to manage once the veterans hang up their boots.

While we need to look beyond the Gangulys and the Dravids, I’m not that optimistic about Suresh Rainas, Rohit Sharmas and Robin Uthappa. My cynicism stems from the fact that they have been hanging around for quite a while and behind the Twenty20 veneer, they still have not been able to cement their place in the side. But then, you have to invest in youth, whatever it may cost.

My sole point, however, is that the senior players – considering the service they rendered over the years – have a right to be treated with some sort of dignity, which has been denied in this case.

If the selectors really wanted to show the exit door to the seniors, there could have been dignified ways of doing it. It seems Vengsarkar and his colleagues in the selection committee felt the old horses had outlived their shelf life and hence lead them to the slaughter house to meet the obvious end.

Instead, Vengsarkar could have taken Ganguly and Dravid to a corner, laid his hands around their neck and told them “Guys, we are proud of you for whatever you have done. But time is changing and new guys are knocking on the door. Why don’t you call it quits and walk out head held high? We would host grand benefit matches for you?”

That would have been a befitting ODI send-off for two of India’s greatest servants.

And if the selectors allowed Dhoni and Yuvraj to call the shots, as reports claim, it was unfortunate and I would say Vengsarkar should now have allowed such interference in what is necessarily a selectorial job.

Image

RP Singh: The Forgotten Hero

In the phalanx of India’s wobbly dobbers, he is the least visible. But think efficiency and you wonder at RP Singh’s amazing ability to escape attention.

He’s not the pin-up boy that Irfan Pathan is; the simpleton doesn’t break into a jig ala S(howman) Sreesanth. But as evident from India’s UK tour and the ongoing Twenty20 World Cup, RP does not lag when it comes to taking wicket, supposedly the primary responsibility of a bowler. The slogathon called Twenty20 World Cup has seen many a bowlers’ blood on the floor but RP not only escaped unscathed but also came through with flying colours.

Indeed, Rohit Sharma may have stolen the thunder – and the Man of the Match award – with his maiden (unbeaten) fifty in the do-or-die match against South Africa, but it’s actually RP to whom MS Dhoni owes a drink.

Defending a so-so total of 153, few gave India a chance but RP clearly had other ideas. He trapped Herschelle Gibbs and removed Graeme Smith in his first over to trigger a collapse which the hosts could not recover from. The left-arm seamer then crashed one through Shaun Pollock’s gate and then removed Albie Morkel, the joint topscorer, to tilt the match and writing was clear on the wall by then for Smith.

You can’t take anything away from Rohit Sharma’s knock but you don’t need to be a pundit either to realize that it was RP’s 4-0-13-0 figure that won the match. But then, cricket has always been a step mother to the bowlers’ tribe and Rohit bagged the MoM award.

There was enough evidence that RP has mastered the art of creating difficult angles that poses all sort of uncomfortable questions to the batsmen. He has this natural flair for swinging the ball both ways and right-handers often found themselves at sea against the one which he brings into them.

RP benefited from his apprenticeship under Zaheer Khan whose prodigious swing had the English batting order in serious nervous disorder in the Test series. as a result, RP arrived a much improved bowler in South Africa and the results are before us to see.

In the Indian pace attack, RP stands out because of his reticent approach to cricket. It’s not that he is low on adrenalin or tends to cower behind the sandbags. But the soft-spoken UP lad prefers to let his ball do the talking. He prefers swing to swears, yorkers to yelling and slower to sledge, which is just perfect with the spirit of the game.

With Irfan Pathan doing little to warrant a comeback and an erratic Sreesanth hardly looking bankable, RP has emerged as a vital cog in the Indian pace attack. And provided the focus is there, RP is definitely here to stay.

Image: AFP