Application For The Post Of Team India Head Coach

To
Shri Sachin Tendulkar
Shri Sourav Ganguly
Shri VVS Laxman

Subject: Application for Head Coach, Team India

Dear Sirs,

This is in response to your advertisement for the post of Head Coach, Team India. Kindly convey my sincere thanks to Anil Kumble Sir, for creating a vacancy when the job market is shrinking like hemline in summer.

I don't really know why he quit but can make an educated guess that he paid the price for trying to be the Greg Chappell from Bangalore.

I heard he was determined to bring Virat's meeting with Anushka strictly under the FTP.

Being an ICC Cricket Committee member, he also insisted that Virat mouthed only MCC-approved, gender-neutral expletives. Apparently, he was mortally scared of having to say "Only one team is abusing in the true spirit of the game and it's not India."

A renowned wildlife photographer, he reportedly sought BCCI approval to drop Axar Patel in front of a starving lion in Gir to capture the beast's yawn.

While I don't boast a record like Anil sir, I have none of his eccentricities either.

I think the first attribute of a good coach is vision and mine is 20/20. I'm attaching the ophthalmologist's report corroborating it. Unlike Anil Sir, I can see the writing on the wall.

My biggest strength is that I've never coached any team in my life. I'm attaching endorsement letters from eight clubs confirming they never considered me worthy of the job.

My inexperience means existing ideas have not polluted or confined my views, and that I won't be just recycling the standard coaching practices to justify my salary. No.

As someone with no knowledge of cricket coaching, my ideas are naturally fresh, completely unbiased and potentially revolutionary.

It may shock the players initially but that's how all revolutionary ideas kick in -- with a bang and not whimper.

Unlike Anil Sir, I have a better idea of what the job entails. Trust me, I have no illusion about the job.

Players at this age don't need a coach. What they need is someone who is decent at baby-sitting. For instance, I've noticed players like Shikhar Dhawan tour with the entire family in tow.

I can look after the kids while their dads play and moms shop. I'm attaching endorsement letters from neighbourhood moms who'd vouch for my baby-sitting skills. I don't want to brag but I can change diaper blindfolded and with one arm tied behind my back.

I can even take their wives/girlfriends to shopping, in an "elder-brotherly" manner, if you know what I mean. I'm great at haggling and can get them the best deal anywhere. I'm attaching letters of endorsement from three exasperated shopkeepers to support my claim.

I know bit of cooking as well. So, for instance, if Rohit Sharma wants a bowl of noodles and walks out to bat, I can serve it piping hot when he returns.

I understand the job requires thick skin and I blush to inform that daily hundreds of mosquitoes blunt their precious proboscis trying to suck my blood. I'm attaching a clinical profile of the skin to support my claim.

As for mindset, after a decade of marital bliss, I'm clinically immune to criticism, sarcasm, humiliation and outright insults.

I read Anil Sir was the 'alpha male' in the dressing room. Kindly tell Virat that I'm ready to be the 'omega male' and he should not worry.

Sirs, in keeping with the demand of the job, I'm ready to feel unheeded and unwanted, and ridiculed behind my back.

If I understand it correctly, you are looking for a high-profile good-for-nothing, who should assiduously twiddle his thumb while the captain calls the shots.

I understand as Head Coach, my job would be to front the media after crushing defeats and dust the captain's chair before he addresses news folks post-victory.

Without further testing your presence, I believe I've strongly demonstrated that I have a crystal-clear understanding of the job.

Please find attached my CV. Should you need any further information, just give me a miss call and I'll call you back.


Yours sincerely
A permanently married, temporarily jobless Indian

Decoding Budget 2015

Chuck the economics mumbo-jumbo. In a nutshell, some stuff have just got more expensive and some cheaper. Ignore the economic gobbledygook and read on as Doosra explains the ramifications of the change in prices of certain stuff.

CHEAPER:
1. Agarbattis: A massive boost for Bollywood. How? Well, more producers can now burn them in front of their late parent’s B/W portrait and shoot the scene to be shown before opening credits;

2. Ambulance Service: Smart move, aimed at encouraging citizens to fall ill, which would in turn boost, among other, pharma sector and the death care industry;

3. Visiting zoos/national park: Disastrous step. More nutcases will now jump into tiger cages and become instant snacks;

4. Leather footwear priced above Rs 1000: Welcome move, especially for girls. Most sub-1000 footwears don’t last a five-minute thrashing of one of those male scoundrels that roam the world.

5. Pacemakers: Wise step. Those who have it ran 24x7 the risk of getting mugged at gun point. Making it cheaper means it’s no more lucrative in black market.


COSTLIER:
1. Cigarettes: A fundamentally-flawed move to curb cancer. People won’t stop smoking if you make cigarette costlier, something every budget has been doing. If you are really serious about curbing smoking, make cigarette so cheap that nobody would smoke it fearing they’d look downmarket. People buy iPhone because it roughly costs whatever a Chinese teenager’s kidney fetches from open market. Make it cheap and people won’t touch it with a 10-foot pole.

2. Eating out: Perfect move. For long, gastrointestinal diseases were so cheap that any Tom, Dick and Harry could dine out and get it. This move

3. Plastic bags: As Ravi Shastri would say: Just what the doctor ordered. It would force the stingy Bollywood actors to pay more for the stuff they collect and melt to cover up bodily flaws.

4. Cement. A masterstroke to rein in Jaitley’s BCCI colleague N Srinivasan. The more expensive it is, the fewer buyer. This would undermine India Cements chief Srinivasan’s affluence and clout in cricket world;

5. Liquor & Chit fund: A harsh move which effectively means if you’ve lost money in chit fund, you can’t even drown that sorrow in alcohol.

(Pix: Bloomberg)

Reaction to Dhoni's test retirement

1. I told you Indians are not large-hearted enough. He quit only tests and not other formats. I have retired so many times, he's done it just once. Long way to go beta. ~ Shahid Afridi.

2. Oye yaar, like languor drives a langur to a langar, like a bee goes to sea to pee, like a monkey with a junkie looking funky, like a vulture scratching ulcer in our culture... ~ Navjot Sidhu.

3. Retirement is a state of the mind and in that state election also, we lost to BJP ~ Rahul Gandhi.

4. We have to consider the socio-political context. Is retirement ka "Raaz" kya hai? "Arth" kya hain iska? Cricket uski "Jism" me har roz "Zakhm" paida kar raha tha. Yeh ek "Rog" ban kar "Zeher" ki tarah fail gaya tha. He had to quit test!. Khud ko "Murder" karta kya? But what I liked about the chap is that he started from the scratch and was always itching to succeed ~ Mahesh Bhatt.

5. I can understand test cricket was keeping him away from family. Hope he can now spend more quality time with wife, Sakshi Tanwar ~ Alia Bhatt.

6. Ekbar usne commitment kar diya to woh khud ki bhi nahi sunega. I guess he got a "Kick" out of quitting midway through the series. Yeh decision dil me aata hain, dimaag me nahi. ~ Salman Khan

7. He's just a retirement enthusiast. I think it was his astrologer's advice to retire midway through the series as Rahu was catching a nap while his girlfriend kept Ketu distracted. ~ Srinivasan.

10 Soccer Facts I Bet You Didn’t Know

1. Babies are normally born head-first. Andrea Pirlo bucked the trend and was born beard-first.

2. An unborn Miroslav Klose never kicked his mom from inside her womb. He always headed.

3. Philipp Lahm is shorter than himself.

4. Arjen Robben can overtake any Irfan Pathan/Vinay Kumar delivery in loafers.

5. The density of hair in Joachim Loew’s head matches that of Anil Kapoor’s chest.

6. Kokilaben Ambani made a last-ditch attempt to make the Boateng brothers Jerome (Germany) and Prince (Ghana) bury their differences and play for any one team.

7. Eden Hazard was named after the 1967 Kolkata test match violence.

8. Sepp Blatter reports to N Srinivasan.

9. FIFA is a BCCI sub-committee.

10. An ageing Klose will decide whether to play on after the 2050 World Cup to be held in Chennai under BCCI’s aegis.

FIFA World Cup First Week Review

It's a matter of great relief that the first week of the FIFA World Cup, that ultimate burglary alarm, ended without any on-field homicide, though a couple of players came dangerously close to that.

None of them are Indians though, one can proudly add, owing partially to the fact that we find making the St. Stephen's cut-off list a greater challenge and hence don't waste time trying to qualifying for random World Cups.

That doesn't mean we are immune to the soccer malaria.

It's that time of the year when parents don't mind their sons downloading WAGs posters, an act when committed outside this window could get them swiftly disowned.

And it's considered perfectly "Bhartiya Sanskriti" for girls to drool over topless six-pack surfboards, an indiscretion which otherwise would cost them their original surnames via the elaborate process called marriage.

Fans call football a religion, an argument based presumably on the fact that it encourages idolatry, divides people, incites violence and occasionally claims life.

In Kolkata, Messi-worshippers apparently have stopped dating girls who sensed faintest of cuteness in Neymar. Across the nation, the picture is no better.

Productivity has taken a hit, sleep pattern has gone for a toss, employees have run out of excuses to bunk office and barbers have been flooded with requests for hairstyles
hitherto unknown to humanity.

As if it's not bad enough, Sony Six has rolled out "Cafe Rio" and social scientists concur human intelligence was never more at risk.

A suspected anti-soccer movement, "Cafe Rio" features individuals with impeccable soccer pedigree.

Gaurav Kapoor hosts it, picked no doubt for his likeness to the post Messi's shot came off before entering the Bosnia goal.

Panelists include the likeable John Abraham, who puts the wood in Bollywood and -- here I want you to closely follow -- everyone knows goalposts used to be made of woods before they went metal.

Also, the organisers were apparently looking for someone with cafe experience and John was fresh from his "Madras Cafe" venture.

If you still doubt his soccer credentials, this should clinch it. John's ex once kissed Ronaldo, though it's unfair to blame that incident for the Portugal's poor run of form, for it occurred some seven years ago when LK Advani was still a PM aspirant and Salman Khan a bachelor.

Other panelists include Indian soccer captain Sunil Chetri, a forward whose highest jump in the penalty box once took him, eyewitnesses swear, somewhere around Zlatan Ibrahimovic's knee-cap.

Some insist Ashok Dinda leaps higher and is a better choice during corners but others point out India have not won a corner since 1965 and hence Indian soccer is not the right platform to showcase Dinda's gravity-defying talent.

Another panelist includes retired French player Mikael Silvestre, who looks more stoned than Majnu was in that fabled sub-continental tragedy. (I'm told Majnu was probably not stoned to death but I'm not ready to let silly facts ruin a joke.)

Returning to the rail, not all are complaining though.

"My husband used to be soccer-mad but Cafe Rio has cured him. Thank you Cafe Rio," said a woman with an intonation not found outside teleshopping commercials.

She went to the extent of declaring "Cafe Rio" as soccer's own "Alcoholics Anonymous" and said she'd be surprised if the show/channel doesn't not get an award from the United Nations or the body that governs the universe -- BCCI.

Even though it's 180 degrees from their original motive behind launching the show, Sony Six has been bolstered by testimonials like this and has promised to carry on into the remainder of the tournament, a decision that has met deathly silence from social scientists.

Arnab Goswami Interviews N Srinivasan!

AG: Welcome to News Hour, Mr Srinivasan.
NS: Thanks Mr Goswami. But I can't be bulldozed into being welcomed, mind you.

AG: The nation would decide that Mr Srinivasan. My channel, in other words. Tell me first, is Mr Gurunath Meiyappan your son-in-law?
NS: Yers, he is.

AG: Why?
NS: What do you mean why?

AG: Mr Srinivasan, the nation, yes the nation, wants to know what procedure was followed when you made Mr Gurunath your son-in-law?
NS: What nonsense! He married my daughter and thus became son-in-law! Simple!

AG: Not so simple, Mr Srinivasan. It shows there were no checks and balances in place. The nation wants to know why?
NS: What nonsense!

AG: Mr Srinivasan, why is he still your son-in-law?
NS: What do you mean still? You don't change son-in-laws like panelists! I warn you, I can't be railroaded into changing my son-in-law!

AG: Mr Srinivasan, the nation wants to know why Guru remains your son-in-law.
NS: What nonsense! What you want him to be then?

AG: Why, son-in-law-made-outlaw?
NS: What!!! Listen, I can't be bulldozed into converting my son-in-law into my son-in-law-made-outlaw. He's slightly over-enthusiastic, is that crime?

AG: You are no less enthusiastic Mr Srinivasan. What about your conflict of interests? You head BCCI, you own Chennai Super Kings, you bully ICC...
NS: Look who's talking. You bully your panelists, you bully the politicians, you bully the entire nation. Can you deny it?

AG: Err...ummm.
NS: And conflict of interest? I accuse you of having conflict of interests in a way. All your interest is in creating conflicts. You pit panelist against panelist, politicians against politicians, players against players. What of that? Enough, I have wasted enough time already.

AG: Err...ummm...you can't go without completing the interview, especially when the nation wants to know...
NS: To hell with you and to hell with your nation. I cannot be bulldozed into giving interviews. (exits)

Exclusive: Harrowing Homecoming Awaits Dhoni & Co!

At the outset, Doosra maintains eavesdropping is thoroughly unethical, a giveaway of a dodgy upbringing and can never be encouraged under any circumstances.

One such recent exercise shattered the myth that BCCI bosses care only about money and doesn’t bother about anything else as long as they collect it by the sackfuls.

On the contrary, BCCI boss N Srinivasan and his colleagues are seething in anger after India's debacle in Australia.

And if what Doosra heard -– have already outlined where Doosra stands on the subject of eavesdropping – is any indication, some of the Indian cricketers are in for serious trouble.

Following is the excerpts of what was heard inside the BCCI office where Srinivasan was in a mood so foul that it would have drawn a red card even from the most considerate of soccer referees.

Clerk: Cool down sir, cool down. So much anger is not good for your health. Should I get you a glass of chilled coconut water?

Srinivasan: Coconut water my size 12 foot! Disgraceful! They’ll get their just deserts.

Clerk: What sir! They disgraced the country and you treat them with desserts. Not done sir.

Srinivasan: Stop mumbling you moron and see that list. I’ve decided to punish some of those nincompoops.

Clerk: Ok Sir. Dhoni is number one. Captain Cool.

Srinivasan: Rubbish! Captain Fool. Okay, on his return, tie him to a chair in the dark storeroom of our office with a full-volume TV set playing that CD.

Clerk: Which CD sir?

Srinivasan: "Navjot Sing Sidhu Unplugged".

Clerk: Wow. Sir Sehwag is next.

Srinivasan: Too many aloo-paranthas blunted him. Completely lost focus and concentration. Make him balance a hot samosa on the tip of his nose, two hours in the morning and another two in the afternoon to improve his concentration. Add "hands tied behind back".

Clerk: Done sir. What about Ishant?

Srinivasan: That brain-dead moron? Give him a bar of soap and Baba Ramdev’s ink-stained robe. He has to rub the cloth clean.

Clerk: Excellent sir. And Gambhir?

Srinivasan: Gambhir, well when he returns tell him to clean all Mayawati statues in Noida Park with his jersey. Also, after finishing every statue, he should ask himself "Have I Made it Large?"

Clerk: Brilliant sir. Srikkanth too in the list?

Srinivasan: Of course. Make the motormouth madcap read all seven volumes of Mayawati's memoirs cover-to-cover. You then ask him random questions to ensure he actually read it.

Clerk: Ok sir. By the way, what happened to the team's phase-out plan?

Srinivasan: What phase-out? Time for complete overhaul. Cancel their original return tickets and book them on Alliance Air, specially requesting for that pilot who landed the Kozhikode-bound flight in Kochi.

Clerk: But sir...

Srinivasan: What but? Do just as I say.

Indian cricket fraternity reacts to Indian GP

You feel better when you have got it off your chest. So, time to confess the sin. Yes, Doosra was at the inaugural Indian Grand Prix.

Lest you hold it against the blog, let me tell you so were the cricketers.

Once in the F1 paddock, Doosra did just what is expected of it. Doosra spoke to those present, called those absent and even contacted BCCI boss N Srinivasan, who said he was neither present nor absent.

Well, here are the selected responses of the Indian cricket fraternity to the country's first Formula One race.

1. M S Dhoni: Honestly speaking, with a lead like that, Vettel should have declared long ago;

2. Venkatesh Prasad: Well, yeah...ummm… Vettel is overrated, he does not have a slower;

3. BCCI chief N Srinivasan: We strongly condemn the low trick of smuggling DRS into India using F1;

4. Bishan Singh Bedi: Vettel has a suspect action, should be stripped of all points;

5. Sachin Tendulkar: I suggest we cut the 60-lap race into 4 races of 15 laps each;

6. Harbhajan Singh: I would have loved to race here. The track has lot of turns. Especially liked turn 5.

7. Suresh Raina: Vettel is okay but Dhoni is the best captain in the world. Because at the end of the day...Jai Mata Di.

7 Signs That Tell Us All's Not Well With Cricket

1. Inzamam-ul-Haq opens a shop in Dubai to sell meat when his future lies in selling jacket potatoes;

2. Saurabh Tiwary blames TV cameras for making him look fat when he actually is not;

3. Rahul Dravid hits three consecutive sixes in a T20 match and still can look at himself in the mirror;

4. For the first time in his life, Sachin Tendulkar writes anything other than a bank deposit form but ICC rejects his radical ODI format proposal. (Wife Anjali just confirmed to Doosra he never wrote a love letter);

5. New BCCI regime is not tried under India's anti-poaching law despite eliminating Kochi Tuskers;

6. Mukesh Bhatt not making a sequel to "Mera Naam Joker" with Mohinder Amarnath in lead;

7. India U-19 captain Ankit Bawne axed on the flimsiest ground. Apparently the poor boy has two different dates of birth -- one in BCCI database and another in his passport. Now even the British queen celebrates her birthday twice every year and they still have persisted with the old fossil. Why single out Bawne?

7 ways India can turn the table at Nottingham

1. Turn the batting order upside down. Ishant Sharma should open with Praveen Kumar. Apart from the fact that they can’t do any worse, the mere sight of them walking in to open would give the Andersons and Tremletts a nasty shock. Consider this, even after mowing down India’s top half, England would not rejoice because they haven’t seen the trace of a Tendulkar or Dravid yet!

2. India should avail the existing extradition treaty with England -- or sign one if there is not any -- and force them to immediately send Harbhajan Singh back. They would be reluctant of course but these are the occasions when Manmohan Singh has to assert himself;

3. Sreesanth, Zaheer’s inevitable replacement, should bowl with his left arm to exploit Strauss and Cook’s weakness against left-arm bowlers;

4. Blood Arjun Tendulkar. That’s the only way to field a free-from-pressure Tendulkar. Already a Team India extension, Arjun has not missed many tours, attended more net sessions that Abhinav Mukund and can be India’s secret weapon;

5. Dravid batted and kept wicket at Lord’s with reasonable success. He should be allowed to bowl in Nottingham to complete the gamut in his final UK tour.

6. BCCI should immediately do whatever they do to be enabled to draw players from neighbours Pakistan and Sri Lanka and swiftly introduce a Kolpak-like ruling which allows half the side to be from Australia;

...and if nothing works...

7. Dhoni should stoop, grab it by the leg, lift it and then push with a perfect follow through. Of course there are other schools of thought but this is by far the most popular method of turning the table.

Cricket's Alternative Food Movement

Was it only my TV set that showed Djokovic sinking to his knees, plucking a few blades of grass and putting it in mouth after taming Nadal at Wimbledon?

It seemed an honest, pioneering effort by a tennis player of no uncertain scientific bend of mind to find out the edibility of grass and see if it can be the answer to the global food crisis.

Taking a cue from Djokovic, Doosra prepares a list of cricket’s own bizarre biters, eerie eaters, champion chewers and leading lickers:

1. Shahid Afridi: A ball-biter par excellence;

2. Mohd Asif: Single largest importer of poppy seeds;

3. Sourav Ganguly: Human Nail-Clipper. Mad enough, at his pomp, to chew nails and spit rivets;

4. Ewen Chatfield: A unique swallower of his own tongue;

5. Lalit Modi: A reckless biter but limited chewer;

6. Harbhajan Singh: Premium finger-licker;

7. ICC: A steady eater, out of BCCI’s hands.

P.S. Would be unfair to put up the shutters without a word about Kamran Akmal, held as the most promising of all. Even jealous teammates admit he’s so endowed that Akmal can start a bat-manufacturing business rightway without buying a chainsaw.

7 punishments for Dhoni & Co for NZ flop show

BCCI sees only the Sunny side but never the funny side of it. So what if New Zealand plastered India by 200 runs?

That doesn't mean you cancel the home trip you had promised the players who have spent enough time in Lanka to be eligible for a citizenship there.

It was not just a low trick on the players but quite unimaginative too. Doosra suggests 7 alternative ways BCCI could have punished the players:

1. Make the whole team row its way back from Sri Lanka;

2. A favourite theme with Doosra. Ask them to write the full name of Welegedara on the grain of rice. To be fair, give them a choice between Uda Walawwe Mahim Bandaralage Chanaka Asanka Welegedara and Warnakulasuriya Patabendige Ushantha Joseph Chaminda Vaas.

3. Ask Yuvraj to share room with Suresh Raina before a Test series and come out in the morning without any culpable homicide charges against his name; alternatively ask him to report after three weeks without a bar brawl; or spend 15 minutes on the field without inviting frenzied chants from the spectators;

4. Thrust a shaving razor in Praveen Kumar’s hand and ask him to turn up clean-shaven for a match;

5. Make Ashish Nehra play a full Test with no ambulance facility within 10km of the stadium;

6. Let MS Dhoni bat with Nehra as his runner;

7. Ask Ishant Sharma to bowl with Nehra fielding at point.

An environmentalist’s appeal to Shashank Manohar

We all know sir that you don’t use a cellphone.

You don’t wear a watch either.

And you hardly fly – so much so that you didn’t have a passport till the other day.

Eco-friendly is the word that leaps to the lip.

Then why this series of showcause notices to Lalit Modi, sir?

One showcause notice invited a 15,000-page reply. To give you an idea, you roughly fell two trees to get 16,000 A4 size pages.

Sir, every time BCCI showcauses Modi, he vanishes into the nearby forest with an axe in hand.

No scruples at all sir, his replies are triple-spaced!

Spare a thought on the World Environment Day sir. Spare Modi.

7 reasons to denounce T20 WC

1. Any WC with India not in final is racist;

2. Any WC with Pakistan not in final is a BCCI design;

3. Any WC with Australia in final is bigotry;

4. Any WC with England in final is a nihilist anachronism. To be honest, it’s not cricket WC at all. At best, it’s a soccer WC and that too some four-decade old;

5. Any WC with an Australia-England final is actually an Ashes prelude;

6. Any WC where Lalit Modi doesn’t dole out the gongs is rebel;

7. Any WC where Yuvraj has to broker peace in a pub brawl is absurdist.

Exclusive: Sneak peek into Pawar-Thackeray meeting!

Blogosphere nearly had its first martyr!

Being a fly on the wall has its own peril. More so when your insurance premium is not updated.

To cut a long story short, Doosra flirted with peril to be privy to the IPL sweet nothings that Sharad Pawar (SP) and Bal Thackeray (BT) whispered in Mumbai!

For the facts, BCCI President Shashank Manohar was also present on the occasion but his contribution to the discussion was largely limited to goggling at SP and BT, besides the occasional feet-shuffling.

Excerpts:

SP: Balasaheb, this is not done.

BT: I'm happy you acknowledge it. Sugar costs as much as silver. Pulse drops when you ask about pulse price…

SP: Err...you got me wrong Balasaheb. I was talking about IPL. Why aren't you allowing the Australian players in Mumbai?

BT: Allow them! Over my dead body! I just can't let them here. What if they settle here and start driving taxis? Picture them bargaining with passengers in English, and not in Marathi! Whither Marathi Manoos?

SP: Come on Balasaheb, cricketers are well off. Most of them have chauffer-driven sedans. Why should they drive taxi here?

BT: This is hogwash, cricketers being rich. The other day I read about some underfed cricketer, some Afridi tribesman, eating ball. Such is their plight and you want me to believe they are rich? Rich, forsooth!

SP: Come on. He's just a mad guy.

BT: And you guys chased that mad guy? Is it Indian Premier League or India's Premier Loonies?

SP: Come on Balasaheb, what's your problem?

BT: Now that you asked me, arthritis has confined me to bed. I don't see much either. The other day I spilled some secret beans to Raj, mistaking him for Uddhav. The beard itches and doctors said after so many years, the sunglass can only surgically be removed. Hell lot of problems. Old age you know…

SP: Oh...Balasaheb, I meant why don't you let the Australians play here?

BT: Allow them there! Over my dead body. No, actually I can. But I have conditions.

SP: I'm all ears.

BT: Brett lee should become Brett Liquor...err...I meant Brett Leekar.

SP: What!

BT: Yes. Then they should celebrate Valentines Day getting rakhi tied on their wrists by their girlfriends. They should write exclusive columns in 'Samna' and subscribe it as well. Nobody reads it these days you know. Then irrespective of their teams, they would say 'Jai Maharashtra' before beginning every press conference, eat only Vada Pao in lunch and discuss Chhatrapati Maharaj in team meetings. You understand?

Servant: Sir they left long ago. Congratulations sir, this year's IPL will be without the Australians. Mr Pawar made a TV announcement just now.

Cartoon: Satish Acharya

Why BCCI deserves a Padma Bibhishan

When you have a 10:1 cerebral advantage over your opponent, theoretically your win is merely a matter of time and formalities.

Unless one of your siblings responds to the name of Bibhishan, that is.

An average Norwegian was content munching his lutefisk or Kjøttkaker, depending on his preference, and humming Ja, vi elsker dette landet.

Till one of them, a blighter by the name of Vidkun Quisling, popped up to facilitate the Nazi invasion of his own country.

Siraj-Ud-Daulah had a fair chance in the Battle of Plassey. Before his lieutenant Mir Jafar crossed the floor and hugged Robert Clive, that is.

India's stint as the No. 1 Test team could have been longer. But then BCCI had meticulously cooked their goose and inked just 2 Tests in the next 11 months.

You probably feel like borrowing the 5-iron wielded so deftly by Elin Nordegren and spank the colossal fatheads at BCCI.

A less violent breed, I demand a Padma Bibhishan for Shashank Manohars and Lalit Modis.

EXCLUSIVE: Bhajji explains white patka!

Dear All,

So here we go again. Talk of the town and it again has nothing to do with my bowling!

Well, I'm told my white patka has been quite a sensation.

So much so that some people have lost their own. Others reported sporadic cases of choking at the breakfast table in front of the television.

Now that surely warrants some explanation. What necessitated this change in colour and the encrypted messages I meant for a few individuals.

For starters, I believe I have been able to prove to my BCCI bosses that I'm doing my utmost to curb my temper and keep my cool.

White reflects sunlight, elementary metaphysics sirs! No? You insist it's physics? Sure it's not physiology either? Well, will take that.

Returning to the rail, I believe with this subtle move, I've silenced my critics, who spread the canard that I lack variety. And if still those offsprings of *&^%$#@! still nitpick about it being just a wardrobe variety, well, my Hummer can take care of them next time they stray onto the road.

Time to spell out other ramification of the white patka that may have eluded your radar.

To Matthew Hayden, my patka virtually screams out 'Mate, about time you issued a rejoinder that I’m not an obnoxious weed but a white tulip'.

It has a message for Sreesanth as well. Well Sree, you can come closer without inviting a palm-shaped tattoo on your cheeky cheeks.

For Symonds, oh dear, all hatchets buried. Let's start life afresh, mate. By the way, how's your mom?

Finally a word for Mr Amitabh Bachchan too.

Now that I've changed colour, don't you think a Big Boss invitation should be on my way?

Regards

Harbhajan Singh.

(P.S. What will be the punch line of a family planning commercial featuring Dhoni and Bhajji? Hum Do Hummer Do, preferably mouthed by Dhoni.)

Pix

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1410: Dhoni wins toss. Ponting inquires if Amitabh Bachchan had used the same coin in 'Sholay'. Umpire Ashoka de Silva grumbled 'Sholay' was never screened in Sri Lanka and hence he could not shed any light on it.

1430: Harbhajan shakes hand with Ashoka de Silva like long lost mate. Staying with Bhajji, I suspect he is subdued in this series because Chris Broad is the Match Referee. The same guy -- no doubt he hides a pair of horns under that trendy cap -- who had reported Bhajji twice in the past. Come on Chris, live upto your name -- surname to be precise -- and take a broad view of things. My heart bleeds for Bhajji since we are the last few remaining Doosra exponents.

1440: Statying with Chris, I think Stuart Little got the surname alright but goofed up the name when he complained to Pa that a neighbourhood Singh boy had hit him for six sixes. That was Yuvi, not Harbhajan, Chris. Stop scaring the kid.

1545: Sorry for the delay. The wi-fi in the press box is like Australian opening pair. Just not working.

1610: Raina in pain, trying to stop a ball that gets sandwiched between him and the turf. Looked like he was trying to sow the ball and maybe water it as well till it bore fruit. Balls I meant.

1645: Hear it here FIRST. BCCI Prez Shashank Manohar tells PCB chief Ejaj Butt -- both are here -- that no Ind-Pak series possible in the next 8 months. Promises to renew talk next year, provided the Government gives them the go-ahead.

1820: Australia settle for 250 when 300 looked a possibility. Something fairly akin to dating Katrina Kaif and then settling for/with Rakhi Sawant. Destiny, I guess.

2010: Ashoka de Silva just topped every Indian hate-list and his family would pray hard for his safe return after that howler of a decision against Tendulkar.

2025: Son of the soil Yuvraj clearly knows part of the crowd moving behind the sightscreen. You don't need lip-readers to tell you that he was referring to some of their mothers and sisters.

2030: India reach 111 for 3 in 22.4 overs. I'm missing David Shepherd (read my tribute here).

2121: Suddenly it springs to my mind - I have seen grandpa and grandson bat together in an ODI when Tendulkar and Yuvraj forged a brief partnership. And Yuvraj isn't alone to call Tendulkar grandpa.

2137: Today must be International Party-Pooper's Day. First Sehwag spoiled birthday boy Mitchell Johnson's party and then de Silva marred Tendulkar's.

2230: No more updates today, time for other serious stuff. Thanks for staying with Doosra, if anyone that is :)

Sherpa Tendulkar eyes 15K Peak!

Many a bowlers would have gone Protea at their breakfast table.

I mean choked.

At that age, you should consider yourself fortunate if you can sight the caterpillar in your salad and stop in time to drop it.

And Sachin Tendulkar is eyeing Test 15K and 2011 World Cup! No less.

Of course you can point your finger at the ageless Sanath Jayasuriya and curl your lip in a smug smile.

But the modern day Darwins have already taken the Lankan woodcutter out of the homo sapiens column and placed him in the list of transitional fossils.

According to them, Jayasuriya is the missing link between cricket's Grace and graceless eras and to be treated more as aberration than rule.

Asked if he applied his mind to the thought of quitting, Tendulkar took his sweet time before the sing-song voice rung "Tweeting? Sorry. I'm not in Twitter. See how Phillip Hughes landed in trouble there? I just don't understand the craze among today's generation for such weird thing."

And then he turned on the volume of his gramophone which wailed "Abhi to main jawan hu" (I'm still young).

Alas, he won't admit but his eyesight is indubitably failing him. So much so that he can't see himself quitting at all!

Doosra predicts that days are not far when bowlers, raised in an environment of values and morality, would touch Tendulkar's feet, seek his blessing and inquire about his health before reaching their run-up.

I always suspected that he has this burning desire to share Team India dressing room with son Arjun and his decision to play on leaves us with a fair chance of watching the high-fiving Tendulkars sharing an 'Ai La'.

Doosra also expects BCCI to press for a Senior Citizen scheme and threaten to float a new body if ICC doesn't exempt players with 575 plus international matches under their belt from bouncers.

EXCLUSIVE: Benched players complain to BCCI against Dhoni!

Doosra can safely reveal to its readers that things are rather rummy and not chummy in Team India camp. Just home after getting two huge monkeys off his back, poor Midas Singh Dhoni is blissfully unaware of the storm that has been brewing right under his nose since the Test series in New Zealand.

Insiders said the otherwise quiet quartet of L Balaji, Dhawal Kulkarni, Amit Mishra and Murali Vijay are signatory to a note of dissent that has reached BCCI President Shashank Manohar.

In the letter, the Fuming Four have accused Dhoni of usurping credits and inquired if a privilege motion could be introduced in the next parliament session against MSD for misleading the gullible nation.

Sources confirmed that the miffed foursome took the snub in NZ in their stride and was happy twiddling thumb, flirting with the same hotel receptionist, bargaining at the nearest fixed price showroom and playing Sudoku to maintain fitness in case of an emergency that might required them back in the field.

But what eventually ticked them off is Dhoni's unabashed bragging about how he and his team set a new benchmark in New Zealand.

"Factually speaking, it’s a shameless act of hijacking credits on Dhoni’s part while the whole world knows it was the four of us, who set the actual benchmarks. All we did in New Zealand was to warm the bench till there was obvious marks on it and here you have Dhoni making outrageous claims about setting the benchmark!" the irate players scribbled.

"As testimonials, we are separately parceling you chunks of the benches from Hamilton, Napier and Wellington bearing the marks of our posteriors and we encourage you to summon all four of us and Dhoni and find out who those benchmarks belong to," the letter read.

BCCI sources reckon both Dhoni and the miffed foursome are in for some dressing down soon.

Pix: Caricature by Harini