Wednesday 26 February 2014

The Great Kurukshetra Warrior Auction

Many suspect it was under pressure from N Srinivasan that Vyasa left out what was indubitably the most fascinating chapter of Mahabharata.

Well, Doosra can reliably reveal that an IPL-style auction took place on the eve of the Battle of Kurukshetra and Lalit Modi merely plagiarised the concept later on.

The Pandavas and the Kauravas staked every gold coin they had as auctioneer Vidur introduced the players.

Lord Krishna was the Team Pandava CEO, while Shakuni was his counterpart in the Kauravas camp.

Below is how the marquee players’ auction went at Kurukshetra.

Remember, you hear it here first.

Vidur: Ladies and gentlemen. Welcome to Kurukshetra Premier League Players’ Tournament. We’d start proceedings with Karna, the Anga King. His base price is 1000 gold coins. Do I see paddles going up?

Yudhisthir: Dear Krishna, let’s bid for him. Brilliant archer and a loyal team man. Generous, can sacrifice his wicket for teammates. We tried to fix the match and lure him into our squad but he not only turned down the offer but also threatened to report it to ICC. What say?

Krishna: Who’s the CEO here? Me or you? Listen, he’s a decent player but is doomed to choke in the end. Just like South Africa. He’s got a curse that he’d forget his deadliest weapon just when required. Let him go to the Kauravas.

Vidur: 1000 gold coins. Do I see the Kauravas raising the paddle?

Dhritarashtra: Duryodhan, from whatever little I saw of him…

Duryodhan: Cut the crap dad. You forgot you can’t see. Uncle, what do you reckon?

Shakuni: Sonny boy, break the bank but get him at any cost. Whadda player! He’d beat Arjun hollow. Dronacharya won’t coach him so he learnt under coach of all coaches Parasuram the great. Can play in all conditions. Vidur: 1000 coins one, 1000 coins two…Sold to the Kauravas! Well, next player is Bhishma with a base price of 2000 gold coins.

Krishna: We don’t need him. Too old for an 18-day battle and not retiring despite being well past his prime. Plays for personal milestones and behaves like a prima donna. Will pick and choose who he wants to duel with. No way.

Vidur: Will the Kauravas go for master blaster Bhishma? I see Duryodhan raising paddle. 2000 one, 2000 two…sold!

Shakuni: Good buy son. Bit of a pain in the neck for any captain but possesses most records worth possessing. No bowler can dismiss him. He can be out only hit wicket.

Vidur: Next player up for grab is Shikhandi and his…err…her…err whatever….the base price is 10 gold coins. Anyone for Shikhandi?

Shakuni: Hopeless. Who got this item in auction? I won’t take even if they put a gun to my head.

Vidur: Anyone for Shikhandi? 10 gold coins only…ah, Pandavas have raised the paddle! 10 one, 10 two…sold!

Yudhisthir: What did you do Keshav? What use is this Shikhandi? He…or she…has a suspect action and failed a sex test too.

Krishna: Don’t blabber. Bhishma can’t score off him. He’d keep one end tight and Arjun would dismiss Bhishma, who otherwise will bat on and on. So you spend just 10 coins and dismiss someone worth 2000.

Yudhisthir: Keshav! You’re a genius!

Krishna: Whatever.

Vidur: Well, now presenting the great Dronacharya with a base price of 1500 gold coins.

Krishna: No need to bid for him.

Yudhisthir: But he’s a great!

Krishna: We don’t need an over-the-hill player. He runs an academy in Hastinapur and is more into coaching these days. If he manages to score a few runs, you’d sledge him from behind stumps something about his son. That would unsettle him and even a Dhristadyumna can get him out.

Duryodhan: We’ll bid for him. I need someone to help me set the right field and he’s mastered Chakravyuh (raises paddle).

Vidur: Ah, so Dronacharya the great goes to the Kauravas. With that, we conclude auction of our marquee players. May the best team win.

Saturday 8 February 2014

10 Indian state/cities and their ideal names

For reasons known only perhaps to Azam Khan's buffalos, Doosra was not consulted when names for Indian cities/states were decided.

As expected, they did a job more botched-up than Anushka Sharma's lips.

Below are 10 places and ideally what should have been their names:

1. Punjab = Sikhim.

2. Kolkata = Bhaatinda. Or Machhlipatnam.

3. Patna = Gutkhaland.

4. Post-AAP Delhi = Jhadukhand.

5. Kerala = KathMundu.

6. NCR = Okhlahoma. Home to Okhla that is.

7. Kanyakumari = Virginia.

8. Hailakandi = Alaska.

9. Haryana = Khapenhagen.

10. Assam = Rhinoam. Or Teabet. Or Chaina.

Wednesday 5 February 2014

7 Possible Reasons Why England Axed Pietersen

It cannot be just a coincidence that England and Wales Cricket Board (ECB) decided to get rid of Kevin Pietersen in the same week that saw Azam Khan’s buffalos disappear and reappear under mysterious circumstances.

Neither Azam Khan nor ECB could offer convincing reasons behind the extraordinary circumstances that led to the disappearance/sacking of the sacred cows.

While Doosra cannot pinpoint the exact reasons behind Pietersen’s shock sacking, here are seven possibilities that may have forced ECB’s hand:

1. KP was caught red-handed stealing Alastair Cook's mascara;

2. KP's exciting shot-making was proving a bad influence on the impressionable young minds in a country determined to practise and perfect a brand of batsmanship that can cure insomnia;

3. KP was found to have replaced Andy Flower's shampoo with a mild pesticide and when caught, offered this bizarre explanation: "This is a standard horticulture remedy for any pest-ridden Flower."

4. His IPL earning was embarrassing UK's GDP;

5. KP was a divisive figure even at the breakfast table. While others asked for bacon and egg, he insisted on egg and bacon. It only proves KP never really embraced English culture;

6. KP winning matches single-handedly was a blatant act of defiance and gross violation of what is essentially a team game invented by the British;

7. KP often behaved as if he were KP.