Monday 30 September 2013

7 Indian Neologisms

1. Aaramkhor (n) : Idle loafer.
"!&?@#!#%&! You misfielded again!" Virat Kohli thundered into Rohit Sharma’s eardrum. "We are working our socks off and here you are loafing around! Saale aaramkhor!"
2. Agreeculture (n): Corporate culture where subordinates mindlessly agree to whatever their boss says.
The CEO is an ignorant moron but his subordinates don’t have the guts to tell him that. It’s a company which expects you to agree to whatever the boss says. I can't survive in an agreeculture like that.
3. Andolone (n): Fight a movement alone.
Anna Hazare began his anti-establishment movement alone before the Arvind Kejriwals joined him. Till then it was Andolone.
4. Artifacial (n+adj) : Beauty parlour.
After the IPL spot-fixing scandal ended his cricket career, Sreesanth opened an artifacial shop in Kochi.
5. Solemate (n) : Friends who share footwear.
Few were surprised as Greg Chappell turned up in the press conference in Sourav Ganguly’s Kolhapuri chappals. They are known solemates after all.
6. Detergentleman (n): Male dhobi.
His Bollywood career gone up in smoke, Uday Chopra is trying to eke out a living as a determined detergentleman.
7. Emptea (adj) : State of the tea cup which has just been drained.
India’s most popular TV anchor, a human volcano, is actually a henpecked husband, often seen washing emptea cups at home to please his dominant wife.

Thursday 26 September 2013

Dr Narendra Modi?

Dr Narendra Modi examining if LK Advani, like Atalji, needs a knee replacement.

Pix: PTI

Thursday 19 September 2013

India outraged at racist attack on Nina Davuluri

So what if Miss America Nina Davuluri has yet to announce chutney-soaked samosa as her favourite snack?

The Indians, including those who can’t tell Nina D from El Nino, are seething in just anger after the Indo-American was subjected to a vicious racist attack for not being a white.

The episode has upset a prominent cricketer-turned-pundit to such an extent that he struggled to make sense:
Oye Nina, chha gaya guru. Ignore yaar. Like a nun selling bun for fun, like a vowel lost in bowel wrapped in towel, like a pig real big eating fig...samajh gaye na? khataak!

There was a palpable sense of anger in Delhi, as evident from what this twentysomething had to say:
#$@&%*! ? I can't believe in this age, people fuss about complexion. #$@&%*! ? This is simply outrageous. Had it happened to me, #$@&%*! ? I’d have just told them: #$@&%*! ?, tu janta nahi mera baap kaun hai. #$@&%*! ?. Well, I got to go dude. Girlfriend wants a fairness cream and she’d be mad if I’m late, you see...

His sentiments found an echo in Mumbai where Bollywood’s reigning star had this to say:
This is shocking, I’d say much more shocking than a Sajid Khan film. I mean how can…hey, hey...where’s the make-up man? Idiot, you call this make-up? I’m not playing Dharamji’s Yakut in a ‘Razia Sultan’ remake. Paint me fair, stupid. Who brings these morons?

The mood in Chennai was no different as this Rajinikanth fan articulated:
Inge paaru, there is nothing wrong with Black. Rather I liked Black, even though it would have made much more sense to cast Nandita Das or even Kajol instead of Rani Mukherjee. What’s the big deal about being white, eh? Rajini Sir showed in ‘Sivaji: The Boss’ how to turn white. All you need is lot of orange skins, mud etc which you put in a tub and you immerse yourself under it for 6 weeks and...

Kolkata, a city renowned for non-violent outrage confined largely to words and gesticulation, was not lagging behind either. Sample this intellectually forthright outburst from a TMC cadre:
Dada, this is a common Commoonist conspiracy, notish the alliteration, to malign didi. No no, not Momota didi, but Nina didi. They are green with envy you see because she waan and green is the TMC colour, notished the paan? Arrey not the paan I’m chewing but the paan I’m spitting out. Paan re baba, P-U-N. Dhyatteri.


Saturday 14 September 2013

10 Things That Have Left Solar System With Voyager I

So Voyager I has left the Solar System. Now what prompted this abrupt exit nobody knows.

Elevation of a younger space probe that hurt the patriarch? Lure of a greener pasture in some other universe? Lack of breathing space in an increasingly crowded space?

We probably would never know. But it's not only the spacecraft which has left.

Below, Doosra lists 10 things that have left Solar System With Voyager I.

1. S Sreesanth's career;

2. L.K. Advani's Prime Ministerial aspirations;

3. Shahid Afridi's birth certificate;

4. Ishant Sharma's skills;

5. Omar Abdullah's baldness;

6. The 'a' from Ajay Devgn's surname;

7. Tusshar Kapoor's tongue, which explains his gibberish in the "Golmaal" series and subsequent trash;

8. Sanity from Rohit Shetty blockbusters;

9. Navjot Sidhu's reticence;
and finally:
10. Arnab Goswami, whose conspicuous absence from Newshour is fuelling speculations that he is actually piloting Voyager I out of the Solar System. "Going by the noise Voyager I is making, that's a distinct possibility which can't be ruled out," a NASA scientist told Doosra strictly on condition of anonymity.

Pix: BBC

Thursday 12 September 2013

When Sachin Tendulkar Stormed Out of Arnab Goswami's News Hour

AG: Welcome to News Hour. My guest today is none other than Sachin Tendulkar. Welcome Sachin.

SRT: Aila! I thought Rahul would go before me! I had to sacrifice a diaper commercial to be here, you know door-knob.

AG: It’s not door-knob, Arnab. I appreciate your sacrifice. Well, let’s get straight to the point. What about retirement?

SRT: Aila, retirement. Ravi would have said ‘Just what the doctor ordered’. We’ll, it’s a good thing. Afridi does it frequently, Advani occasionally. About time I guess. Once you’ve made up your mind, it’s like ‘visa power, go get it’.

AG: Well, I think we have a Breaking News here. For the first time, on a national channel, Sachin Tendulkar utters the R word and sees logic in it. The million dollar questions is - When? The nation wants to know.

SRT: Well, I guess the earlier, the better.

AG: Amazing! This is unreal even for me! So when do you retire? The nation wants to know.

SRT: Aila! Me? You gave me a nasty shock! Why should I? Even Kambli doesn’t joke like that!

AG: What? You said it’s about time and you should go when people say blah blah!

SRT: Aila, nobody asked why I am not quitting!

AG: Mr Tendulkar, the clamour is growing by the hour. Every day cricket experts are appealing you to gracefully retire.

SRT: Appealing everyday? I’ll get the morons sanctioned by ICC for excessive appealing. I had no clue such a campaign is on!

AG: Don’t you read newspapers? Don’t you watch TV? The nation wants to know.

SRT: I’m not so narcissus Mr Goswami.

AG: Narcissus? I don’t get you.

SRT: See, I’m everywhere, peeping out from adverts in every page of every newspaper. And you can’t watch a TV programme without me appearing every 10 seconds. At times I think I’m looking at mirror!

AG: For once, I have to agree. But don’t people you meet daily tell you that you should quit gracefully?

SRT: That’s why you always see me with earphone. You think I listen songs all the time? It’s just to shut that R word out.

AG: But the nation wants to know when Sachin Tendulkar will retire!

SRT: Aila, nation? What nation? Even United Nations dare not ask me that.

AG: Mr Tendulkar, you can’t duck my questions. At News hour tonight, we ask it point blank – when will Sachin Tendulkar retire?

SRT: Aila, this man is like a broken record, won’t let me go without answering this. Ok, I’ll retire at the end of my career.

AG: And when your career ends? Be specific, for the nation wants to know.

SRT: When I’m done with cricket.

AG: Don’t test my non-existent patience Mr Tendulkar. You have nothing else to prove or achieve. Why don’t you realise you have overstayed your welcome?

SRT: Aila, nobody insulted me like this. Wait, my revenge will be postponing my retirement by another five years. Enough is enough. I can’t sit here anymore with a human doorknob.

AG: Err...what! You can’t storm out of an interview like this! This is not done!

SRT: Who are you to stop me? You forgot I’m an MP. We walk out on hourly basis in the parliament. Maybe I I’m still not too late for that diaper commercial. To hell with you and your nation wants to know, you pathetic piece of door-knob...

Sunday 8 September 2013

15 Random Thoughts

1. Husband-aid ~ Strip of cloth sourced from dupatta/saree borders by a quick-witted woman to bandage the wound of her husband. #WordOfTheDay

2. A married male hairdresser is his wife's Pati Permeshwar.

3. A man pacing up and down outside a room like a wounded lion means either he's about to be a dad or whoever occupied toilet is taking too long.

4. I don't get politicians’ obsession with addressing the nation from Red Fort. Thousands of pigeons do it everyday without making a song and dance about it.

5. Aryabhattacharya. #HadHeBeenABong

6. Poets don't grow on tree. There is no Poetree you see.

7. Forget Bollywood, Ranbir Kapoor is not even the best actor in his family.

8. Me: Bean there.
Cook: Done that.

9. Had he been a mathematician-philosopher, Virat Kohli would have been known as Gaalileo Gaalilei.

10. While most dogs are easy to train, some take time. These are unorthodogs.

11. Most government offices are basically Hall of Phlegm.

12. She didn't make tea. Did Hebrew?

13. A wise man never strays farther from the plug than the length of his mobile charger wire would allow.

14. Caste/creed/religion/political affiliation doesn't matter. Dr Batra's hair solution SMS can strike you anytime.

15. Serena Williams is the universal 'mausi' of all ladies out there. Women are from Venus, you see.

Monday 2 September 2013

Moily’s Petrol Curfew Idea and 7 Relevant Thoughts

So Oil Minister M Veerappa Moily has backtracked on the proposal to shut petrol pumps from 8 pm to 8 am.

The radical idea, one is told, was aimed at curbing fuel demand and propping up a Rupee weaker than Arjun Rampal’s acting in a serious situation.

While the proposal has been smartly shelved, it forced one into seriously mulling a number of issues listed below:

1. Was Kurukshetra War fought only during daylight hours because charioteers were not allowed to refuel after 8 pm?

2. Can cops nab a youth for wearing Diesel jeans after 8 pm?

3. Can we employ the popular "...gaya tel lene" saying at night? Even if we can, do we need to clarify it's edible oil and not fuel?

4. Will Bollywood directors have to replace cars with Tonga for those intense chase scenes or face imprisonment?

5. Who can guarantee Prakash Jha won't make "Ram Teri Veerappa Moily", a socio-political film with Manoj Bajpayee playing a crooked oil minister?

6. Is it just a coincidence or did Destiny put an "'oily' in Petroleum minister M Veerappa Moily's surname?

7. To curb fuel consumption, will car owners be asked to buy it from IRCTC website?

(Pix courtesy)