Kapil Dev da jawab nahi!

Kapil Dev believes Sachin Tendulkar should immediately quit ODI.

In fact Tendulkar should have quit long ago, paaji says.

Probably Tendulkar should have never played cricket in the first place maybe?

Doosra buttonholed paaji for an air-clearing purpose and here goes the excerpts:

Doosra: Paaji, welcome to Doosra.

Kapil: Thanks. You’re cheeks are glistening. I know which shaving cream you use. Palmolive da jawab nahi.

Doosra: Well, no, I mean...whatever.

Kapil: Exactly.

Doosra: Sorry?

Kapil: Whatever! I mean what stays for ever? Nothing! I don’t know why people are upset about it but I insist Sachin should retire immediately. With his best interests in mind, I say he should have retired long back. Waise Sachin da jawab nahi.

Doosra: Long back! How long?

Kapil: Maybe before his made his debut. You see, if you retire before making your debut, critics won't be baying for your blood! Isn’t it the smartest thing to do?

Doosra: Not so sure. But paaji, Sachin may not have scored that 100th century but he got quite a few 50s.

Kapil: You miss the point. He does not have age on his side. You grow old and you can't run. And a batsman who can't run is a batsman without runs. And Sidhu once told me that a batsman minus run is like a church minus nun and a burger minus bun. You know, Sidhu da jawab nahi.

Doosra: Yes, paaji. But isn't age just a number? And Sachin is just 38! Jayasuriya played until 42.

Kapil: 38 my size 14 foot! He got his birth certificate from the same guy whom Afridi's parents approached. Do you know every debutant bowler touches Sachin’s feet before he starts bowling? If they bowl bouncers at Sachin, parents scold them for being disrespectful to an old man. You have any idea how many presidents Pakistan had since Sachin’s debut? Eight! Waise to Pakistan da jawab nahi.

Doosra: But paaji, is it not a case of the pot calling the kettle black?

Kapil: What this nonsense? Pot, kettle, strainer...are you a tea-seller? Waise Darjeeling tea da jawab nahin.

Doosra: Paaji, please don’t mind, what I meant is - you yourself got your retirement wrong and the team carried you just to help you get that record.

Kapil: You know what Virat Kohli said?

Doosra: What? That s**t happens?

Kapil: No. He said you carry people who carry the burden of the nation. Kohli da jawab nahi.

Doosra: Paaji, then why can’t India carry Sachin then for a while, maybe until his 100th century?

Kapil: Again you miss the point. Team mates already carried him once, on their shoulders after India won World Cup. You can’t expect them to carry you all your life…it’s not your apartment! Did you mumble something?

Doosra: Hell...no...truly paaji. Kapil da jawab nahi.

From toast of the nation to pariah

India doesn’t know how to treat her heroes – Arjuna Ranatunga.

Alas, only the context changes and Ranatunga remains as relevant as ever.

If you’ve followed BCCI moves over the past some months, you tend to believe:

i. it was the forefather of one of the Board mandarins who smote Eddie Hemmings for four sixes in a row to avoid follow-on in that 1990 Lord’s Test;

ii. Anil Kumble is the first Indian to take 400 Test wickets;

iii. India got 175 runs extras in that crucial 1983 World Cup tie against Zimbabwe; and

iv. India won the 1983 World Cup without a helmsman and with a 10-man squad.

Indeed, affluenza-stricken Sharad Pawar and his fellow partners-in-crime in the cash-awash Board have not left any stone unturned in their effort to establish that Kapil Dev simply didn’t exist!

Since aligning with the ICL, Kapil has been ousted from the NCA – a decision yet to be conveyed to him, lost his pension (maybe because he was donating the amount to an NGO dealing with children), plans were dropped to rename the Mohali stadium after him, his mural was removed from the stadium and BCCI grudgingly agreed to felicitate him along with the rest of the 1983 World Cup winning team.

Make no mistake, not that I’m a great admirer of the man. For sure, Kapil keeps dubious company and he may froth at the mouth but all his promoting-cricket blah-blah is complete crap and it was Subhas Chandra’s moolah that led him to ICL.

But how on earth can you deny the fact that he led us to the Holy Grail in 1983 and, apologies to innumerable imposters and perpetual pretenders hovering around, is the only genuine all-rounder produced by India?

The board has treated him like a pariah. He has been dealt as if a stigma, not only a persona non grata but also He Who Should Not Be Seen With.

But what the BCCI pooh-bahs forgot is that cricketers necessitate administrators, and not the other way round. Umpteen Pawars and Modis have come and history has dumped them in the bottomless pit of oblivion. But legends live on.

That magical knock against Zimbabwe, the stunning catch of King Richards running backward…Kapil presided over that unforgettable Triumph of the Underdogs, the biggest upset in the world since David slew Goliath.

You can remove a mural alright. But fortunately, they are yet to discover a way to erase what is etched in the collective memory of the umpteen cricket fans.

Doosra Annual Award

Considering the year that has gone by, or going by, Doosra decided to have its own annual award ceremony. And as usual, Doosra is open to suggestions.

The Hate-Pyjama-Uderwear-Etc. Society Man the Year: VVS Laxman

The Peter Pan Scroll: Sachin Tendulkar

The Albert Pinto Memorial Angry Youngman of the Year: S Sreesanth

The Albert Pinto Memorial Angry Not-So-Youngman of the Year: Dilip Vengsarkar:

The Jimmy Amarnath Comeback Kid Award: Sourav Ganguly

The Say-No-To-Haircut Society Man of the Year: MS Dhoni

The Annual Me-Too Award: Joginder Singh

The BLTN (Better Late Than Never) Medallion & special award from NMFF (Nice-Man-Finishes-First) Circle: Anil Kumble

I-Look-Clown-With-A-Crown Citation: Rahul Dravid

Got-Pyjama-Want-Flannel Shield: Yuvraj Singh

Hail-Brinkmanship Fellowship: Sharad Pawar

Discovery-of-the-Year: Gary Kirsten

English-Molestation Community’s Person of the Year & Funny-Bone-On-Legs medal: Niranjan Shah

Annual Gone-With-The-Wind Award & Sunk-Without-Trace Statuette: Greg Chappell

Mint-in-Suit Award: Lalit Modi

Pariah-of-the-Year: Jagmohan Dalmiya

Emperor-Struck Rolling Trophy: Kapil Dev

The David-Whose-Sling-Is-In Goliath’s-Hands Award: Subhash Chandra

God-of-Small-Things Rolling Trophy: Indian cricket team (shorter the format, better they do).

Kapil, Vengsarkar, Bedi in Lord’s Hall of Fame

As the Marylebone Cricket Club (MCC), guardian of the game’s law, decides to doff its hat at Indian cricket, which is celebrating its 75th year, the trio of Bishan Singh Bedi, Kapil Dev and Dilip Vengsarkar is set to adorn the gallery at cricket’s spiritual home at the Lord’s.

Vengsarkar, busy these days hunting for India’s next Test captain, managed to take time off to pose for his portrait, while Kapil – at the receiving end of BCCI’s wrath for siding with the rebel Indian Cricket League (ICL) – too allowed himself to be captured on canvas, as did Bedi, one of the most acerbic tongues around.

Lord’s has proved a happy hunting ground for all of them. Vengsarkar has lorded over at Lord’s, hitting three successive centuries on the ‘Mecca of Cricket’ – first non-English player to do so. Bedi too had a six-wicket haul there while Kapil led his Devils to India’s lone World Cup – well, I mean 50-50 cricket – triumph there in 1983.

Image: Times Now

Dravid deals the final blow to Chappell!

Tension is a good thing within a team, but it needs to be creative, not destructive. John Wright had similar problems at the start but unlike Greg he was prepared to adapt. By the end he [Wright] was more Indian than the Indians...Rahul Dravid told Mike Atherton in Sunday Telegraph.

Life comes full cycle for a certain Gregory Stephen Chappell. Sitting in his Adelaide abode, Chappell probably thought the nightmare of his Team India was behind him. How wrong he was. One episode was yet to be enacted, and it was to come from the most unexpected quarter. Chappell, not even wildest of dreams, could have imagined that of all people, it would be Dravid, his protégé, who would deal the final blow.

Dravid’s comment hints Chappell created a tense dressing room and it had a “destructive” influence on the show. Okay, Wright too had teething problems, but “unlike Greg, he was ready to adapt”. And, Dravid points out, Wright was “more Indian than the Indians”. Now that says a lot and makes interpretation redundant.

One shudders with the thought but had George W Bush opted for cricket coaching, he would have been Greg Chappell, the Team India coach. During Chappell’s stint with Team India, the Aussie ring-master echoed Bush with the message that was both hidden and loud -- you are either with us or you are against us in the fight against Sourav Ganguly. And no prize for guessing which camp Rahul Dravid belonged to.

In fact the likes of Kapil Dev and Ravi Shastri in fact went on to pan a sweetheart like Dravid for taking the backseat and allowing Chappell to call the shots on every major issues.

Chappell has been sent packing, along with his “Commitment to Excellence’ mantra, after he burnt his fingers and all five of them -- the one with which he often thumbed his nose at India’s cricket populace; the assertive index, which he often flashed at the likes of Sehwag, Yuvraj, Zaheer and Harbhajan; the middle which he was notoriously attending to in Eden Gardens.

Make no mistake, Chappell was never short on ideas. But the passion and the attachment was simply not there. He always saw it as yet another deal and his pursuit of success was devoid of any emotional bond. Indian cricket was never a paragon of all cricketing virtues but Chappell’s idea of reform was devoid of love for a country, which is unique in every aspect.

If Wright was successful, it was because he sacrificed a lot. He never allowed his ego to come in the way of team’s interest and did not have a hidden agenda or a personal vendetta. Ganguly owes half his success, if note more, to this self-effacing Kiwi. If Wright succeeded, it was basically because he was a good human being and unfortunately one can’t say the same about Chappell. Dravid’s comments are bound to leave a wound somewhere in his heart, but Chappell probably deserves it.

Image: AFP