Saturday 28 February 2015

Decoding Budget 2015

Chuck the economics mumbo-jumbo. In a nutshell, some stuff have just got more expensive and some cheaper. Ignore the economic gobbledygook and read on as Doosra explains the ramifications of the change in prices of certain stuff.

1. Agarbattis: A massive boost for Bollywood. How? Well, more producers can now burn them in front of their late parent’s B/W portrait and shoot the scene to be shown before opening credits;

2. Ambulance Service: Smart move, aimed at encouraging citizens to fall ill, which would in turn boost, among other, pharma sector and the death care industry;

3. Visiting zoos/national park: Disastrous step. More nutcases will now jump into tiger cages and become instant snacks;

4. Leather footwear priced above Rs 1000: Welcome move, especially for girls. Most sub-1000 footwears don’t last a five-minute thrashing of one of those male scoundrels that roam the world.

5. Pacemakers: Wise step. Those who have it ran 24x7 the risk of getting mugged at gun point. Making it cheaper means it’s no more lucrative in black market.

1. Cigarettes: A fundamentally-flawed move to curb cancer. People won’t stop smoking if you make cigarette costlier, something every budget has been doing. If you are really serious about curbing smoking, make cigarette so cheap that nobody would smoke it fearing they’d look downmarket. People buy iPhone because it roughly costs whatever a Chinese teenager’s kidney fetches from open market. Make it cheap and people won’t touch it with a 10-foot pole.

2. Eating out: Perfect move. For long, gastrointestinal diseases were so cheap that any Tom, Dick and Harry could dine out and get it. This move

3. Plastic bags: As Ravi Shastri would say: Just what the doctor ordered. It would force the stingy Bollywood actors to pay more for the stuff they collect and melt to cover up bodily flaws.

4. Cement. A masterstroke to rein in Jaitley’s BCCI colleague N Srinivasan. The more expensive it is, the fewer buyer. This would undermine India Cements chief Srinivasan’s affluence and clout in cricket world;

5. Liquor & Chit fund: A harsh move which effectively means if you’ve lost money in chit fund, you can’t even drown that sorrow in alcohol.

(Pix: Bloomberg)

Sunday 15 February 2015

India v Pakistan: 7 Takeaways

1. For India, Shikhar Dhawan and Virat Kohli forged the kind of partnership that, if noticed by Hindu Mahasabha, would have redefined their marital status;

2. Like any other partnership in life, the one between Dhawan and Kohli also ended courtesy a misunderstanding;

3. Science Fact: Gravity is stronger between the fingers of an Akmal.

4. There was so much wind in Adelaide that Indian potato chips manufacturers are planning plants there;

5. Considering how windy it was in Adelaide, ICC missed a golden opportunity to generate electricity by connecting Mohammad Irfan's long, windmilling arms to a generator;

6. By ruling Umar Akmal out, TV umpire Steve Davis has leapfrogged India in any popularity chart in Pakistan;

7. The crowd at the sellout crowd made so much noise that man-of-the-match Virat Kohli confessed he had a distinct feeling of being in the Newshour studio with Arnab Goswami at full throttle.

World Cup Day 1: 7 Observations

1. Aaron Finch gives the impression that he spends leisure time skinning wild buffaloes alive with a blunt knife;

2. As captain, Eoin Morgan now has more ducks than you can hope to find in a rural Bengal pond on a given day;

3. Freed from captaincy, Morgan can express himself better. As Hollywood would vouch, what suits England most is a Morgan Freeman.

4. Mitchell is Australia’s answer to Bollywood’s Rahul. Mitchells comprised 3/11th of the Australian line-up;

5. Steven Finn’s hat-trick will go down in history as a cricketing feat as memorable as something which presently escapes my mind;

6. Sri Lanka’s 98-run defeat to New Zealand is their worst since going down to Lord Ram;

7. Mahinda Rajapakse’s defeat appeared to hang heavily on Lasith Malinga’s mind.

Wednesday 11 February 2015

Delhi Results: 7 Observations

1. These days, Congress is the best party to be in, for a stress-free political career.

2. Like a responsible party, BJP should introspect. Especially how three of its candidates managed to defy the AAP wave and won;

3. To be fair to her, Kiran Bedi did not lose. It was Vikas Bedi who lost. Kiran Bedi comes out with her reputation intact.

4. Surprisingly, Arvind Kejriwal did not declare and enforce follow-on on BJP even when AAP had taken a huge lead.

5. Botanists are baffled - so much muck flew before election but still lotus didn’t bloom.

6. Congress need not despair over their zero seats. The silver lining is – they can’t do any worse in the subsequent elections!

7. Shazia Ilmi should not be charged with culpable homicide if she decides to strangulate her political adviser, provided it’s not she herself.

Saturday 7 February 2015

7 thoughts on Dhoni's fatherhood

1. Suresh Raina will feel insecure;

2. Dhoni is likely to uproot the entire nursing home where the kid was born and take it home as souveneir;

3. Kapil Dev's likely reaction: "Dad keh nahi sakte par, kahi na kahi, pitah toh zaroor ban gaye”.

4. India Cements will create a new vice-president's post to accommodate her;

5. N. Srinivasan is likely to downplay it, describing Dhoni instead as a "merely fatherhood enthusiast.”

6. Ian Chappell will demand Dhoni's retirement from all formats, citing the need to spend more time at home with the kid.

7. Dhoni is likely to sport a new celebratory haircut.