Duncan Fletcher’s Secret Diary: Virat Kohli and His Irrepressible Middle Finger

Sort of liking VK even though he calls me, among other unmentionables, 'His Lipidness'.

In an otherwise dull dressing room-- VK insists it's Undressing Room -- he sticks out like a sore middle finger.

VK is full off aggro. Can be pig-headed too. Imagine a pighead with a Mohawk on top.

"Fatso, I got no middle name. Just middle finger," he whispered in my ear in our first meeting.

Asked him how he saw my appointment.

"S**t happens."

And he shrewdly gave me the bird.

"You like my ring?"

He'll make a good vice captain. Has all the vices of a captain.

Advised him "You just need to curb that middle finger. Learn from others."

He warned me not to equate him with team mates.

"Paancho ungliya barabar nahi hote," he said. Obviously giving me the finger to drive home the point.

Poor chap. Couldn't digest the fact that he has to be a floater as long as the seniors are around.

"S**t floats."

Could have been a good weightlifter as well. Always lifting something -- team performance, spirit, Tendulkar.

Just as we were about to leave our hotel in Australia, VK got down from the bus, walked back to the lobby and suddenly lifted the bellboy.

"Poor dude. Carried the burden of the guests since joining the job. It's time we carried him on our shoulder."

So much so that Tendulkar refuses to share room with him.

"Aila, I don’t want to open my eyes in the night and find myself perched on his shoulder. It’s so unnerving."

Duncan Fletcher’s Secret Diary: Sehwag, Parantha and Rift With Dhoni

Viru can be brain-dead. Don’t know what he has got inside his head. Not much outside either.

At times want to thrash him but he doesn’t look particularly Gandhian. If he reciprocates, I’d look shapeless which, he assures, would me make marginally better looking.

But then banks may refuse me new loans.

Viru once told me he can carve two coaches out of me and one can coach the other.

"Just not sure which knife will do and need to consult Dravid for the correct follow through."

He just loves his paranthas which I once mistook for round doormats. He keeps them in a giant CD wallet.

Asked him why he’s so inconsistent, Viru said he relishes bowlers with a face like a parantha but is nervous against naan-faced bowlers.

"Never liked naans, none of the naans. Once they upset my stomach. Naan-faced bowlers still upset me."

Viru once sent one of the paranthas to represent him in the team meeting. As expected, the parantha gave more inputs before fading down Gambhir's entrails.

Whenever Gambhir opens his mouth, I still hear the parantha wailing – "Dhoni sucks because he doesn't shampoo his hair often".

Asked him last night if there was a rift between him and Dhoni.

"Nothing between us anymore, not even a rift."

(P.S. This is a new series following complaints that Afridi’s Secret Diary was in poor taste. So poor that why the government didn’t grant it a BPL card remains one of the major mysteries of the 21st century which is broadly the period separating Tendulkar's existing 99th century from his impending 100th).

Flower blossoms into England’s assistant coach, Maynard offered passage to India

Matthew Maynard, just rendered jobless with Andy Flower replacing him as England’s assistant coach, claims he has an offer from the BCCI to work in India.

"I've been asked to go out to India to work with their academy, and I'm sure there will be one or two more offers coming in. But I'm just going to take my time, I don't want to rush into anything,” Maynard told BBC Wales Sport.

Though his contract with the ECB was until the end of summer, once Peter Moores took over the reins from Duncan Fletcher, Maynard’s days in the job were numbered.

"Whenever you get a new coach in, he tends to bring people he's familiar with to work with. To be honest, as soon as Duncan announced his retirement, I pretty much thought that was going to be the end for me as well.”

Flower, meanwhile, hastily retired from playing cricket with Essex to take up the job. He was naturally grateful to Moores.

"I hold Peter Moores in the highest regard...and believe that his selection as England head coach was an inspired choice and reflected well on his work and that of Rod Marsh prior to Peter in setting up the National Academy,” Flower said.

"From my time working with Peter at the National Academy, I know that we shall work very well together and I am excited about entering into this new challenge of coaching an international team."