Friday 30 November 2012

7 Reactions To Ricky Ponting's Retirement

1. Kapil Sibal: CAG trying to exaggerate the impact of his retirement. It’s completely insignificant. Zero loss to international cricket;

2. Prime Minister: I assure the nation, the culprits would be brought to book.

3. Meira Kumar: No standing ovation please. Please baith jaiyye, shaant ho jaiyye.

4. SM Krishna: Ricky Martin's retirement is a great loss to international cricket. Even Hina would agree with me.

5. Sushma Swaraj: Motamaal kamaya hoga. No need to get unnecessarily sentimental.

6. Shahid Afridi: As a veteran, I'd say occasional retirement is good for health but he shouldn't overdo it.

7. Manish Tiwari: A prolific batsman! Arrey woh aadmi to khud sar-se-pao tak run me duba hua hai!

Thursday 8 November 2012

EXCLUSIVE: The Real Reason Behind Bachchan-Gandhi Split

Rajiv Gandhi: So you won't budge?
Amitabh Bachchan: Budge? How can you even think of that?
RG: You forgot the days we spent together right from Doon school?
AB: Of course not!
RG: You forgot those proxies and everything else that I did for you?
AB: As if I did not!
RG: No, I mean both of us did.
AB: Then?
RG: Then what? You can't do such a simple thing for your Bhabi?
AB: Bud, it's impossible.
RG: Why? You are a superstar! You can dictate the director or the producer!
AB: It doesn't work like that in Bollywood, why don't you understand?
RG: You mean you won't change it?
AB: Chum, listen, don't be foolish.
RG: You can't do this simple act to please your bhabi?
AB: No, I can't.
RG: So the film title remains "Aakhree Rasta"?
AB: Yes, it remains "Aakhree Rasta".
RG: And you can't make it "Aakhree Pasta" to please your Bhabi? Just a matter of changing one letter?
AB: I'm sorry I can't.
RG: Well mate, you lost me there. I guess that's it then. Our paths part from here and they they never cross again.
AB: But..hell...listen...
RG: Thanks for the memories bud, bye.


Friday 2 November 2012

10 Mahabharata One-Liners You Didn't Know

1. Excuse me, thoda kum nahi ho sakta? ~ Draupadi when told she'd have to marry all 5 Pandavas.

2. Rest in Piece ~ Bhim after splitting Jarasandha into two;

3. Mujh par ek ehsaan karna, ki mujh par koi ehsaan na karna ~ Karna, rejecting Kunti's offer to switch loyalty.

4. Mere Karna-Arjun ayenge, zaroor ayenge ~ Kunti in her dream.

5. Bhaiyya, aapke mobile pe tower hai? ~ Arjun asking Yudhisthi during Vanvaas.

6. Don't be a sissy. Just Do It ~ Krishna after his Gita harangue failed to instigate Arjun's killer instinct.

7. Kutte, kaminey, mai tera khoon pi jaunga ~ Bhim, before killing Dushasana.

8. Nakul, you idiot, dial 101 before uploading pictures on Facebook ~ Yudhisthir after Jatugriha caught fire.

9. Prabhu, zara 'Tera Suroor' bajake sunaiyye na ~ Radha to Krishna.

10. Salaa, aaj hi stepney bhool gaya ~ Karna when his chariot got stuck at Kurukshetra.

Monday 22 October 2012

7 Ramayana One-Liners You Didn't Know!

1. Kitna deti hai? ~ Jatayu to Ravan after taking a look at Pushpak Rath;

2. Prabhu Burnol Hoga? ~ Hanuman to Ram after setting Lanka ablaze;

3. Single? Ready to Mingle? ~ Shurpanakha to Lakshman;

4. Dreamum Wake Upum Critical Conditionum ~ Meghnad to Kumbhakarna, trying to wake him up;

5. Agar chayn se sona hai to jago ~ Ravan to Kumbhakarna.

6. Bandar, kela khayega? ~ Meghnad to Hanuman.

7. Kripya kursi ki peti baandh le ~ Ravan to sita, on board Pushpak Rath.

Thursday 18 October 2012

EXCLUSIVE: Eyewitness Account of Saifeena Marriage!

Thumb-twiddling is an exercise not without its charms but then there are times when you have to put behind such simple pleasures of life and dirty your hands.

Which Doosra dutifully did, to get you an eyewitness’ account of Saif Ali Khan’s marriage with Kareena Kapoor.

Initially, I tried to gatecrashed into the party, shrewdly disguised as myself but the security guards proved smarter than I had assumed and won’t let me in.

I said I’m Rahul Gandhi and they laughed hysterically, pointing out the vital flaw in my concocted story - that it was not a Dalit household.

Before I could say even Gadkari, I found myself precariously close to the gutter, having been kicked out by those security guards.

Another couple of inches and I’d have ended up one of the guttersnipes Salman Khurshid enlightened us about.

To cut a long story short, I buttonholed a funny looking bird coming out of the party and he shared the details, speaking strictly on condition of anonymity and a non-refundable loan of Rs 50.

Below are the excerpts:

Doosra: So the marriage went off well?

Guest: Well! Lot of drama, man. Kareena wasn’t willing for a Nikah. She insisted a court marriage was enough.

Doosra: What! So, how did they convince her?

Guest: Convince? My size 8 foot! She’s quite headstrong and won’t budge. Fortunately Sharmila Madam had an idea. She spread out a map of Afghanistan in front of Kareena, put a finger on the capital and asked Kareena “Kya Hai?” Kareena thought she was testing her geography and smartly said: “Kabul Hai.” Qazi saab promptly announced them a couple!

Doosra: Oh boy! What drama!

Guest: Drama! Real drama was when Maneka Gandhi got into a fight with Dharmendra.

Doosra: Maneka Gandhi? She was invited too?

Guest: Can’t say if was invited, but was there. A catering guy asked Dharam paaji if he’d like some drinks when paaji saw a stray dog and screamed “Kuttey, kamine mai tera khoon pi jaunga.” Maneka ji sprang from her seat and got into a nasty argument, threatening to unleash some 500 mongrels on paaji before they pacified her.

Doosra: Good lord! Then?

Guest: Then what? Dharamji went to Dharamsala...

Doosra: Dharam ji left the party and went to Dharamsala!

Guest: Moron, I meant Dharam ji went to where his sala, I mean brother-in-law, was sitting and both started drinking as if there’s no tomorrow.

Doosra: Think I saw Salman Khan inside?

Guest: Oh yes, Bhai was there but you know how he emotional he is. Asked why Tiger Pataudi wasn’t around. We told him Tiger saab passed away and he went on mumbling Ek Tha Tiger...Ek Tha Tiger...

Doosra: What!

Guest: Yes, only once he came out of that trance. Told you Dharam paaji and his brother-in-law had exhausted drinks. When one of the catering guys offered Bhai a bottle he had kept for himself, bhai thundered: “Mujh par ek ehsaan karna ki mujh par koi ehsaan na karma.”

Doosra: Oh boy! What about Saif’s family? I mean his sisters?

Guest: Soha and Saba were busy counting pressure cookers, dinner sets etc. Those who gave only bouquet didn’t have boondi in their boondi raita.

Doosra: What about other celebrities who attended the party?

Guest: Got another 50 rupee note?

Doosra: Yes, but I need it to return home.

Guest: Go chase yourself, you @#$%^&.

Saturday 8 September 2012

Bollywood: Lost In Translation!

This is one of those mindlessly stupid posts which any intelligent blogger would decline to be seen dead in the ditch with.

When Doosra eventually makes it really big, this is the kind of post critics would dig up and shake at the poor blog to embarrass it.

Fully aware of these scary consequences, Doosra still presents this collection of translated Bollywood dialogues, triggered by a Twitter hashtag.

1. Work-shy, anti-cereal ~ Kam ka na kaj ka dushman anaj ka;

2. Lateness? Maybe but no powercut in temple ~ Bhagwan ke ghar mein der hai andher nahi;

3. If you are Truman Jr, come to the fore ~ Asli mard ka bachcha hai to samne aa;

4. Mr Dagar, I still don’t accept a Rupee that keeps falling against Dollar ~ Dagar Saab, mai aaj bhi feke huye paise nahi uthata;

5. Stay alive girl. Milk-o, bathe-o, flower-o, fruit-o ~ Jeete raho beti. Dudho nahao phoolo phal-o.

6. Suicidal jackal is generally city-bound ~ Gidhad ka jab maut ata hai to who shehar ki taraf bhagta hai;

7. “I’ve consumed your salt, chief”. “Now bite the bullet!” ~ Sholay gem.

8. Lend me a hand, Thakur! ~ Sholay gem.

Wednesday 5 September 2012

7 Teacher’s Day Tributes!

Teacher’s Day is probably the only occasion when you don't mind Navjot Singh Sidhu going "Oye chhaa gaya guru..."

Well, below is the collection of seven Teacher’s Day tributes:

1. Happy Teacher's Day ~ John Abraham to Mayawati's statue #expression;

2. Happy Teacher's Day ~ Michael Phelps to Bappi Lahiri. #gold;

3. Happy Teacher's Day ~ Tiger Woods to ND Tiwari. #sexcapades;

4. Happy Teacher's Day ~ Arnab Goswami to Durvasa. #outrage;

5. Happy Teacher's Day ~ Shakti Kapoor to Vladimir Nabokov. #Lolita

6. Happy Teacher's Day ~ Swami Agnivesh to Morarji Desai #swamutra

7. Happy Teacher's Day Guru Dronacharya. Mujh se cheating kar ke aapko kya mila? Thenga! ~ Ekalavya.

Sunday 26 August 2012

Neil Armstrong: Unknown Facts, Tributes and Jolie On Moon

Unknown Facts:

1. Neil Armstrong's actual first words after landing on moon ~ 'Itna sannata kyu hai bhai?"

2. Armstrong's wife used to pester him to take her along, singing this song: Chalo dildaar chalo chand ke paar chalo...

3. Swami Agnivesh wanted to replace Neil Armstrong in the mission, insisting he had one natural advantage – he generated his own drink;

4. The moon spacecraft was named Eagle because it was sponsored by Eagle Flasks;

5. Before President Nixon called him, Armstrong received another call - from a telemarketer trying to sell him a credit card;

6. Armstrong's wife was mighty upset that he didn't bring a fridge magnet from moon.

Stand-Out Tributes:

1. "RIP Neil Armstrong. Lingers on my mind that baffled look on your face when I escorted you on moon" ~ Madhura Honey;

2. "RIP Neil Armstrong. You have redefined cycling and remain a hero despite all allegations" ~ S M Krishna;

Finally, what would have been Angelina Jolie’s reaction had she been the first on Moon?

One small step for a woman, a giant lip for mankind.

Sunday 19 August 2012

India reacts to Laxman’s retirement: Doosra post from JAIL!

1. Harbhajan Singh: Sad, we should send Andrew Symonds to talk Laxman out of retirement. You know who drove sense back into Laxman in Ramayana, don’t you?

2. Virat Kohli: Sh*t Happens!

3. Shivpal Yadav: Laxman consulted me and I told him you can quit international cricket a bit but don't quit Ranji.

4. Madhura Honey aka Nagendra: Oh hell, I didn’t know he would quit. Else could have gatecrashed his press conference.

5. Sania Mirza: Another Hyderabadi has been used as a bait! It’s an insult to womanhood.

6. Anu Malik: I’m told Laxman has got a great Inner Voice. Can we have him in Indian Idol?

7. Manmohan Singh: Laxman’s retirement is a rumour with its origin somewhere in Pakistan and I appeal to people from northeast not to panic;

8. Arun Jaitley: People are missing the woods for the trees here. The real issue is there was a powercut during Laxman’s press conference and Congress is trying to use Laxman’s retirement as a ruse to divert our attention from a larger issue;

9. ..... finally the JAIL bit. Well, Doosra wanted Manata Banerjee’s view on the subject and had merely asked the harmless question : "Didi, how do you react to Laxman’s retirement?" Within seconds, one was frogmarched out of the house and into a jail, the location of which would be shared once known.

Tuesday 14 August 2012

India's Post-Olympic Medals!

So the Mayor Dangling Ceremony, aka London Olympics, is finally behind us. Look over your shoulder and you still can see the blurred blob.

While countries such as US, China and the consortium called Great Britain prepare to exercise their global bragging rights, India returned with six medals from London.

Away from media glare, there was another medal giving ceremony where Indians who made their mark in London were suitably rewarded.

So ladies, gentlemen and otherwise, the winners are...

1. The Conspiracy Theorist Medal: Archery coach Limba Ram. For suggesting rivals used black magic and witchcraft to jinx Indian archers;

2. Redefining Indian Geography Medal: Amitabh Bachchan. For congratulating Mary Kom, the boxer from...well...Assam! To be fair to him, he promptly apologised and corrected himself. Most Indians qualify for this award anyway;

3. Serendipity Medallion: Vishnu Vardhan. Apparently, when you want something, the universe conspires to help you achieve that. Vishnu was plucked out of nowhere and thrown in the doubles mix only because Leander Paes and Mahesh Bhupathi fought like two wet cats over a dead rat. As if it was not enough, Philipp Kohlschreiber took the pain of pulling his hamstring to shove Vishnu into the singles main draw. Such was his luck that Vishnu mistakenly consumed pesticide but it turned out to be Coca Cola;

4. Gatecrasher Society's Personality of the Year Medal: Madhura Honey aka Nagendra. She ghosted her way past security guards and led Indian contingent in the Opening Ceremony in one of the lasting mysteries of the 21st century that would haunt Sebastian Coe for the rest of his life;

5. Fastest-Finger-First Medal: Ajay Maken. Mr Maken has significantly raised the bar for all Sports Minister, camping in London and tweeting as if there is no tomorrow;

6. Mike Tyson Spirit of the Game Medal: Sushil Kumar. For biting part of his Kazakh opponent's ear and keeping it as an Olympics souvenir;

7. International Angler's Society's Special Medal: Sania Mirza. For offering herself as a bait in the Paes-Bhupathi row;

8. Chilli Powder Manufacturers Association’s Special Medal: Mahesh Bhupathi & Rohan Bopanna. Bhupathi had bloodshot eyes after his doubles defeat and Bopanna said it was chilli powder;

9. Shahid Afridi Hollow Threat Medal: Vijay Kumar. For threatening to quit army if denied promotion.

Thursday 2 August 2012

Raksha Bandhan is the day when ..

* Brothers vow to protect sisters - a custom which originated and remains most relevant in Gurgaon;

* Surpanakha tied Rakhi on Ravana's wrist and they called it Happy Rakshasa Bandhan;

* doctors need to revise their attitude towards the bunch they address as sister;

* Rakhi is tied...with an identified opposition. So basically it's a draw match;

* Brothers perceive it as - Raksha Bandhanteras;

* Oprah Winfrey expects an Indian girl to tie rakhi on her brother's fork;

* India tie rakhi on Bhutan's wrist and plead "Vow to protect me from powergrid failures".

Sunday 8 July 2012

India's Seven Other Dalits!

Aamir Khan touched the untouchability issue in the July 8 episode of Satyamev Jayate.

Doosra was touched too. In fact so touched that wasted precious little time to compile a list of India's Seven Other Dalits, sneered at and ridiculed by their snooty peers.

1. Literature Dalit = Chetan Bhagat;
2. Music Dalit = Himesh Reshammiya;
3. Tennis Dalit = Leander Paes;
4. Fashion Dalit = Govinda;
5. Political Dalit = Amar Singh;
6. Food Dalit, ok Dalit Food = Rahul Gandhi;
7. Intellectual Dalit = Suhel Seth

(P.S. I'm a great admirer of the Aamir Khan show. The guy could have done any other show but chose this one. If it brings positive change even to one life, it's job well done. At the same time, my admiration should not come in the way of some harmless fun. Hope Aamir and his fans agree.)

Friday 29 June 2012

Sunny Deol's Interview After Esha Deol's Marriage

Doosra: Congratulations Sunny. It must have been an emotional moment. A true Bade Bhaiyya's responsibility.

Sunny: Oh yes! But Papaji and Bobby also worked hard. And of course Hema ji.

Doosra: Hope everything went well?

Sunny: Well, almost. Pandal was good, food was great. Just don't know how some stray dogs, well, strayed into the pandal.

Doosra: Stray dogs!

Sunny: Balwant Rai ke kutteyyyyy.....

Doosra: Please, calm down, please!

Sunny: I'm sorry, got emotional. What were we discussing?

Doosra: That some dogs had strayed into Esha's wedding.

Sunny: Yes. Strange, despite having Papaji there. He even screamed that line from Sholay - "Kuttey, kaminey mai tera khoon pee jaunga" and most dogs ran for their life.

Doosra: Hope it was not a serious problem.

Sunny: Two dogs refused to leave. Hema ji was supposed to dance late in the evening which had to be cancelled.

Doosra: Why?

Sunny: Papaji got emotional and screamed again "Basanti, in kutto ke samne mat nachna!". You know how he is. Waise I'm no less emotional. I saw the tubewell and suddenly became Gadar's Tara Singh. I screamed "Humara Hindustan zindabad tha, zindabad hai aur zindabad rahega" and uprooted the tubewell.

Doosra: Good lord! What happened then?

Sunny: Half the baaratis fled from the scene and we had to apologise to bring them back. And when they returned, it could have been another crisis because I had uprooted the tubewell, which was the only source of drinking water!

Doosra: Oh boy! So how you managed that?

Sunny: Hema ji intervened. She immediately got 25 Kent water purifiers there, 23 of which she sold to the baraatis.

Doosra: Well, sounds quite eventful. But these are minor glitches, happen in every marriage.

Sunny: I guess so. We also ran out of paneer and rushed to nearest shop to buy more. Guess what? They had a balance but no stone. Fortunately I was there and solved the problem.

Doosra: How?

Sunny: You silly. Everyone knows I have dhaai-kilo-wala haat. We needed 5 kg paneer. So I put both arms on one side and they weighed paneer on the other. Dimple! I mean simple!

Doosra: Got the point, got the point. Must say it was an extraordinary marriage. Thanks for your time, it was pleasure talking to you.

P.S. Those interested in facts (god knows what they get out of it) Sunny & Bobby Deol were reportedly unsighted within 100km of Esha's marriage)

Thursday 28 June 2012

Gathered: 6 Mean Thoughts On Sania Mirza's Predicament

1. Sania Mirza first got wild card. Sania Mirza then got wild.

2. Sania Mirza's real predicament: Shoaib Malik is the reality, Mahesh Bhupathi the desire and Leander Paes the compulsion;

3. AITA used Sania Mirza as a bait because they tried Leander Paes first but even the fishes won't come anywhere near him;

4. Sania Mirza is likely to be refused entry at every fish spa. "You said you've been used as bait. What if the fishes eat your toe?"

5. Shoaib Malik insists Sania Mirza should accompany him on a fishing trip. He heard Sania was used as a bait;

6. Sania Mirza slammed AITA, Vece Paes, Leander Paes and others with so much vigour and all alone that WTA has recognised it as her first singles Grand Slam.

Wednesday 27 June 2012

6 Reactions to Pranab Mukherjee's exit as FM

1. Shahid Afridi: Retirement? Well, not a bad thing. One should do it occasionally. I have done it a number of times. But as a senior in that department, my advice is don't overdo it. Twice a month, no more. I'm retiring now. I mean I'm retiring to bed now;

2. Sourav Ganguly: I think he was under pressure to retire. I still think he had at least two years' finance left in him. I think the Board, arrey High Command, pressured him into retirement.

3. Mahesh Bhupathi: As I have maintained all along, I'm not going to play with anyone except Rohan Bopanna. Worse, Pranab comes from the same state. Leander should follow Pranab and quit.

4. Mamata Banerjee: Good riddance. Hope the next FM would give us a good Bengal package. My only concern is he'd have ample time on hand as President and I just hope he does not take to cartooning. Will ask Manmohan ji to immediately stop supplying pencils and sketch pens to Rashtrapati Bhavan.

5. Shoaib Akhtar: I think he got scared after Sachin Tendulkar became an MP and immediately retired. When Tendulkar took oath. I saw Mukherjee's legs trembling. Don't trust me? Ask Afridi.

6. Vinod Kambli: I'm a very emotional man today for I can identify myself with Pranab Da. His career mirrors mine. I never got enough support from Tendulkar and ended up playing support roles in random movies. Sachin is an MP today but I'm not even BMC councillor. Pranabda too could have become the PM but he never got the support from Sonia Gandhi. I'm a very emotional man today and can't hold back my tears. Watch me sob on STAR TV, ok ABP TV, at 7:30 this evening. I'm a very emotional man today.

Saturday 9 June 2012

The Rs 35 Lakh Loo...t!

What kind of world we are living in where the whole country peeps into your toilet and even before you could say A-h-l-u-w-a-l-i-a turns it into a national debate?

If M.S.Ahluwalia is seething under that designer blue turban I, for once, have full sympathy for him.

The reaction to the Rs 35 lakh toilet at Ahluwalia’s office has ranged from predictable to potty.

Doosra presents the selected few, including that of Ahluwalia himself.

1. Pranab Mukherjee's secretary: "Sir is no more interested in the President's post, bujhlen? Instead, he'd be happy to succeed Ahluwalia in Planning Commission. I know that's a baffling demotion but then Sir never had ambition. Otherwise he would have been the PM, bujhlen? He says what would he do with a sprawling Rashtrapati Bhavan? He’d rather love a toilet like this. At his age, bujhlen?"

2. Ajmal Kasab: "In case India decides to hang me before I die a natural death, the government should grant me the final wish of once peeing at the Planning Commission toilet."

3. Tourism Ministry Secretary: "Flooded with requests from abroad, we are turning it into a tourist destination. Our next Incredible India campaign will be built around the toilet".

4. Meira Kumar: "I'm intrigued since I learnt about it and can't wait to see it but there is a minor problem. Had it been in some another country, I would have boarded the next available flight. Unfortunately, it's in India, that too in Delhi, some 5 km from my place. So I’m afraid I can’t make it. But I’d request Mr Ahluwalia and his colleagues to maintain some decorum there. Yeh aap ka hi hai. Is liye...Shaant Ho Jaiyye, Baith Jaiyye. Sab Ko Mauka Milega."

5. M.S. Ahluwalia: "Oye! What is this? Who changed my nameplate? I'm Ahluwalia, not Ah-Loo-walia!"

Wednesday 6 June 2012

The Real Story Behind Baba Ramdev’s Meeting With Sharad Pawar

Hear it here first!

Baba Ramdev is buying an IPL franchise and that’s the precise reason he met ICC boss Sharad Pawar.

Don’t trust the chumps in mainstream media. They got it completely wrong, misled probably by the fact that Pawar, in between ICC meetings, also happens to be the agriculture minister.

Unlike Nitin Gadkari, Pawar didn’t touch Ramdev’s feet. It was a shrewd opening move by the Marathi strongman that forced Baba into an immediate introspection.

"Do I really have stinking feet?” Ramdev would occasionally mumble throughout the meeting.

For some strange reason, Gadkari derived such a superiority complex out of it that the BJP chief was sighted running around his Nagpur residence screaming “Pawar can’t bend! I’m fitter than Pawar”.

Well, below is the excerpt of what transpired between Pawar and Ramdev:

Pawar: Welcome Ramdev ji. Hey! What’s that? Don’t wink at the maid!

Ramdev: Sorry, Pawar ji. Don’t get me wrong. This is something I can’t help. Completely unintentional you know.

Pawar: Whatever. You don’t know how tough it’s these days to get another maid. Anyway, how come you are here?

Ramdev: Pawar ji, I want to buy an IPL team.

Pawar: But I’m not sure they want another franchise.

Ramdev: Pawar ji, there’s nothing you can’t do. I have even decided the name of my team.

Pawar: And what’s that?

Ramdev: Patanjali Panthers! Awesome, isn’t it? Of course ToI may still call it Team Haridwar. I have already identified players for my team.

Pawar: And they are?

Ramdev: Well, Hashim Amla has to be the captain and Mohd Yusuf his deputy. See, I want it to be a team of bearded players. By the way, is WG Grace available?

Pawar: But are there enough bearded players?

Ramdev: If not, we’d identify local talents and groom them. Their beard to be precise. Jawed Habib will join the support staff soon. In fact, I’m thinking of having beard-linked bonus clause in their contract.

Pawar: But Ramdev ji, IPL is sports and entertainment. It’s like showbusiness with cheerleaders etc. Are you fine with it?

Ramdev: You hurt me Pawar ji. What do you think of me? We too would have cheerleaders.

Pawar: Oh, really?

Ramdev: Of course! We’d slightly tweak the concept and have cheerleader bhaiyyas, wearing borrowed salwar kameez.

Pawar: Oh yes. I should have imagined it.

Ramdev: After every boundary hit by our players, cheerleader bhaiyyas would do Kapalbhati while every dismissal of the rival batsmen would trigger mass anulom-vilom!

Pawar: Good lord! But to be honest Ramdev ji, I’ve washed my hands of cricket and you better get in touch with IPL guys.

Ramdev: I know you have but I also know there’s nothing you can’t do.

Pawar: Ok, I’ll help you. But what we tell the reporters now?

Ramdev: Don’t worry Pawar ji. I’ll repeat that black-money thing. And we’d hug each other before the camera. Done?

Pawar: (Reluctantly) I guess I have to. Why don’t you wax your chest? Ok, ok, stop anuloming-viloming. Was just kidding. Let's go and meet the press.

Wednesday 30 May 2012

6 Reactions To The Eden Gardens Circus/Carnival

Kolkata feted KKR like it's going out of vogue.

I caught a glimpse of Mamata Banerjee clapping in a local TV channel. A few weren't sure they didn't see her even swaying, if not outrightly swinging those durable slippers, or Hawai Chappal (no blood relations whatsoever with Australian Chappell), as they Kol in Calcutta. Ok, call in Kolkata. Have it as you like folks.

Quite a few Bengali Bhadraloks were alarmed by what they called the brazen display of 'Oposongskriti' (cultural decadence is a lame translation of this priceless Bengali term).

Personally speaking, I'm a content man, convinced I've seen all there was to be seen.

In fact, I now have a story to tell my grandchildren. That of Shah Rukh Khan kissing the top of Mamata Banerjee's dome, the content of which remains one of 21st century's major unsolved mysteries.

Of course some of the SRK fans insist it should not be held against the showman and blame it on Kolkata's maddening heat, every time I think of it, it gives me a sensation that starts with a goose and ends with bumps.

When Doosra approached politicians and celebs to see how they viewed the celebration, some of the reactions were so sharp that a kid asked if he could borrow one to sharpen his pencil.

Sample the stuff:

Bappi Lahiri: I'm told all KKR player got a gold chain? You know what? First time I regret my Bollywood career and wish I were a cricketer. I feel like singing a sad song. "Pyar bina chain kahan re..." To hell with this song. It reminds me of that chain again!

Buddhadev Bhattacharjee: Communist Manifesto more or less covered it in the chapter which says "The Proletariats have nothing to lose but their chain". Well, the KKR players have nothing to lose but their gold chains. You know how rife pick-pocketing is in and around Eden Gardens area.

Mayawati: Mamata ji should immediate change Kolkata's name to Gautam Buddh Nagar. Arrey, in honour of Gautam Gambhir. And no Gautam Buddh Nagar is complete without a park with my statues.

Manmohan Singh: We strongly condemn the dastardly act and the culprits will be brought to book as and when they take some time off their busy schedule and make themselves available...hanji?... IPL celebration? O teri! Haan ji. Well, Madam G, matbal Madam ji, said instead of Sandesh, KKR players could have eaten a slice of pizza each. But then of course Mamataji knows better.

SM Krishna: On behalf of Pakistan't cricket-following public, I congratulate KKR, its owners and the city of Kolkata on this momentous victory. However, instead of gold chain or sandesh, I think they should have gifted the KKR WAGs a birkin bag each. I have 98 of them and it has got separate compartments for...err...seems this is Hina Rabbani's speech.

Navjot Singh Sidhu: Oye chha gaya guru, chha gaya! I admire Mamata ji, my friend. A CM who hectors the PM
whether AM or PM is a CM who's heard by PM and FM on AM and FM whether AM or PM. Samajh gaya na guru? Ok, let me start from the beginning. A CM who...

Wednesday 16 May 2012

7 Reactions to Anna Hazare’s Car Being Pelted!

1. Tusshar Kapoor: At times, silence is sin and we have to articulate our anger to make it a better society. I have to say...Eh...eeh ... oh... ooo... Maaayo.. eh... ee... oh... oh.

2. Sachin Tendulkar: Aila. Anna Saab, people will throw stone at you but you have to turn that into milestone.

3. Mamata Banerjee: Why this fuss over a mere stone? It could well have been worse. It could easily have been a cartoon of Anna Saab!

4. Bishan Singh Bedi: As usual, most missed the point. Apart from the fact that modern players earn obscene money, the fact of the matter here is somebody THREW the stone. It means his action was suspect and even a child of two knows Muralitharan chucks! Can’t believe ICC is still sitting idle!

5. S.M.Krishna: Well...err...ummm...As the foreign minister of Pakistan, I condemn the incident from the bottom of my heart...oh’s Hina Rabbani Khar's speech!

6. Kapil Sibal: Media is blowing it out of proportion. It was a notional stone hurled at a notional car, prompting a national knee-jerk reaction.

6. Virat Kohli: Sh*t Happens!

7. Navjot Singh Sidhu: Oye chha gaya guruuuuu! A man is prone to attracting a stone that can break his bone unless the stone in question, my friend, is a Sharon Stone!

Tuesday 8 May 2012

7 Reasons Why I Should Be The Next India President!

The election of India's next President seems a three-horse race with Pranab Mukherjee as the front-runner, Hamid Ansari hot on his heels and APJ Abdul Kalam as the proverbial dark equine.

Well, even Ajit Agarkar can tell you that what the venerable trio need is not presidency but a bottle of Sandhi-Sudha, a hair transplant and a haircut, in the said order.

As Arindam Chaudhuri, the greatest pony-tail of our generation, hollers from magazine covers - dare to think beyond the obvious.

Here's why it makes colossal sense to make me the next India President:

1. I have serious contempt for major political parties, which means I won’t discriminate against anyone;

2.There are no land-grabbing allegations against me;

3. While taking guard of honour, I can stand erect without looking like a cartoon that Mamata Banerjee can ban anytime;

4. A 2BHP part of the Rashtrapati Bhavan will do for me. Lights/fans/ACs in rest of the building will remain switched off resulting in significant savings.

5. I'm good with kids. I'm told this is a must for the job and one of the former occupants of this building built his reputation around this sole virtue:

6. I can say in exactly five minutes what some annually blabber over an hour-and-half. And I can make it even enjoyable;

and finally:

7. My landlord has asked me to vacate the flat and I badly need a place to stay :(

Friday 4 May 2012

Mango after Akhilesh, Ginseng after Singhvi?

This must rank as Akhilesh Yadav’s second straight-set victory over Rahul Gandhi.

While Rahul Baba has copyrighted the "Aam Aadmi" phrase, Akhilesh recently got a variety of mango named after him.

Man comes and man goes but mangoes stay forever and all that.

Doosra reckons there are at least seven other leaders who deserve to have some sort of flora named after them.

(Click on the pix to enlarge)

Resolved: Mystery Behind Tendulkar's New Look!

A well-chosen word is worth a thousand pictures. But at times, you probably have to make an exception and post some photos as well.

Let's face it - the end is near. Otherwise, why would someone like Sachin Tendulkar sport that ghastly look that makes every right thinking man cringe in horror?

The question that gnawed us was what prompted this moral decadence?

Doosra decided to get to the bottom of the issue and resurfaced with the startling fact that Tendulkar's new avatar is inspired by Akshay Kumar's look in that epoch-making movie "Action Replay".

Tuesday 24 April 2012

10 Unknown Quotes!

Being at the right place at the right time is something that comes naturally to Doosra.

Inevitably, that makes one privy to mutterings that otherwise would never reach civilisation.

Following are the 10 unknown quotes, the veracity of which can effortlessly be established simply by trusting this blog.

1. "Don ko pakadna mushkil hi nahi, na mumkin bhi hai." - Harold Larwood. The line that prompted Douglas Jardine to conceive Bodyline;

2. "Main aur meri tanhai aksar yeh baatein kartein hain..." - Robinson Crusoe.

3. "Give this ring to Sita and get her signature on this receipt"- Lord Rama to Hanuman.

4. "Kripya ladies seat me na baithe."- Noah on board his Ark.

5. "Salaa aaj hi stepney lanaa bhool gaya!" - Karna at Kurukshetra.

6. "Single? Ready to mingle?" - Surpanakha to Lakshman.

7. "Can't believe landed on Moon! Dude, how long is the bar open?" - Neil Armstrong.

8. "Sorry I didn't tell you Tenzing that I got vertigo. Hold me tight please!" - Edmund Hillary.

9. "Nomoshkar...Ek Minute!" - John Wilkes Booth to Abraham Lincoln.

10. "No comments." – Navjot Singh Sidhu.

Monday 23 April 2012

Poverty Line, National Drink and MSA

Doosra has accessed documents that confirm our worst fears.

That MSA worked in the package labeling industry in his previous life.

Worse, he can’t get over the hangover!

When he gets bored by the dull interior of the ghastly Planning Commission office, MSA scribbles something on a piece of paper and, like a man possessed, sticks it to the first thing he lays his hands on.

Last month, the office oddjobber pushed the door and was about to enter MSA’s chamber with his lunch before being stopped by a rope tied at chest high.

Here’s what followed:

Boy: Sir, what is this? Which idiot tied this rope?

MSA: I did that.

Boy: Err...ok...nice sir. But why?

MSA: Look at it carefully. Can you tell me what is this?

Boy: Looks just a stinking rope. Yes! It was lying near gate and still has the stains of Guptaji’s paan. I saw him spitting on it.

MSA: Moron! This is Poverty Line!

Boy: What line? No idea what are you blabbering. Must be because you are hungry. Remove the rope sir. Let me come in and serve your lunch.

MSA: Wait a second. The dilemma is how to come in. Well, how much you earned today?

Boy: Why sir?

MSA: If you earn more than Rs 28, you have to jump and clear the rope.

Boy: If not?

MSA: In that case, you have to crawl under it.

Boy: Let me count...5...10...I earned Rs 28.50 sir.

MSA: Wow! That’s above Poverty Line. So, go three steps back and leap over the rope.

Boy: As you say. Here I come siiiiiiiiiiiiirrrrrrr...(thud, splash!)

MSA: Yuck! What is this! You spoiled the carpet, my desk and my cloth!

Boy: I would have entered and served it on your table sir but then you insisted...

MSA: You moron! Get lost! Well, hold on, get me a National Drink before that.

Boy: What! You want to drink in office!

MSA: Damn it! Who gave you the job? Don’t you know tea is the National Drink?

Boy: And me?

MSA: You are the National Moron!

Boy: (Sotto voce) And you are national...

MSA: What?

Boy: Nothing sir. Getting your tea.

Thursday 12 April 2012

Random Thoughts on Pune-Punjab IPL Match

* This headband of Ashok Dinda. Reliably told it can only be surgically removed.

* Still intrigued by the Jesse Ryder run-out. Why didn't Sourav Ganguly leave crease? Was he afraid some lady might just grab it?

* 3-ball duck. Manish Pandey's appearance was shorter than Chunky Pandey's in Don.

* Ashish Nehra flashes a smile. You can call Pune Warriors India anything but just not toothless.

* Did Angelo Mathews mistake Harmeet Singh for the delivery boy from Tehal Singh's Dhaba and got foxed?

* Mithun Manhas-Piyush Chawla yawnfest....would rather see "Shatranj". Mithun-Juhi Chawla.

* Ironically, Pune innings so far resembles King's XI co-owner Preity Zinta's career. Few hits.

* If Sourav Ganguly's run-out victims are coaxed into forming a human chain, it will reach Eden Gardens from Behala. #

* Sourav Ganguly looks pregnant...with ideas of course.

* 4 DOTS in first over. Praveen Kumar could have been effective in TB control as well.

Monday 19 March 2012

Why Rahul Dravid Is Likely To Come Out Of Retirement

If you are Shahid Afridi, your idea of a perfect week goes probably something like this:

Monday: Sulking.
Tuesday: Threatening to retire.
Wednesday: Retiring.
Thursday: Hinting a comeback.
Friday: Negotiating comeback.
Saturday: Announcing comeback.
Sunday: Sulking.

But then Rahul Dravid is no Afridi despite their obvious similarity in the sense both are like poles. Dravid north and Afridi south.

So when Dravid retired, you naturally thought he was gone for good.

Doosra, however, has reasons to believe Dravid will do an Afridi and come out of his retirement.

The following conversation between The Wall and his Wife (what do you call a wall's wife? Firewall?) explains why.

Wife: There you are. Why did it take so long to get the boys from school?

RD: Well...I mean...I sort of missed the school bus.

Wife: Home come you missed such a distinct-looking bus?

RD: Err...I mean from where I stood, the bus looked quite outside the off-stump. So...I...sort of...let it go.

Wife: What! Have you lost your mind? OK, from now on you’d pick the boys from school itself.

RD: Sorry, I’m not going to that school again. Those infernal kids! One of them wrote something on my back. "Uncle, do you see what I wrote on your back?" I said "no". He said "Too bad you can't see the writing on the wall."

Wife: What!

RD: You heard it. That nickname has become my albatross. One of those little devils went further and said "Uncle, I lost my pet dog. Can I stick a bill on your back, please?"

Wife: What!

RD: And they call my son half-wall!

Wife: Good lord! What do you do now? Can’t take you to shopping either after that fight with the shopkeeper.

RD: As if that was my fault! It rained for a while and I was perfectly within the laws to ask him to revise the price under Duckworth-Lewis method.

Wife: And who started the fight in the furniture shop? You drilled 19 divans with that car key!

RD: See, I was just testing the bounce.

Wife: Bounce my foot! Gawd, don’t know what to do with you. You are no good at julienning tomatoes or dicing a cucumber, so not much of a help in the kitchen either.

RD: See I spent my career building a sound technique, largely avoiding risky cuts and slices.

Wife: You drive me crazy. You can’t polish your own shoe – you apply saliva and rub it against your trousers; you crouch and spit on your hand before you catch a flight; you refuse to go to market after tea, insisting on sending a nightwatchman; you criticise me for not having a proper follow through while ironing. I’m tired of it.

RD: So am I.

Wife: Well, get it in your head. This can’t go on. You are going back to playing cricket. You got it?

RD: I guess you have a point there, a silly point.

Friday 16 March 2012

If Not A Cricketer...

...Sachin Tendulkar would have been Albert Einstein!

And it does not take rocket science or any theory of relativity to figure out why.

If you correctly recall Tendulkar in his early days and compare his mop on top with that of the Nobel Laureate, the first thing that strikes you is their common gravity-defying streak!

So there you realize, the inkling was there and pretty early too. It's only that we missed the point.

Peep into their private life and there they come, walking down the aisle with elderly ladies. As a footnote, Einstein scored over Tendulkar, doing an encore subsequently.

Let's get into serious business.

Einstein propounded E = mc2. Tendulkar's riposte was a solid T20 = Dessert, an equally revolutionary formula with a gastronomic tinge about it.

Einstein was considered a science icon but Tendulkar does not lag behind either.

In fact, Tendulkar is a certified Mumbai Indians icon and the attestation was done by none other than Lalit Modi, the then master of the T20 universe.

And if you still insist on similarities, here goes the clincher.

If Einstein is the Father of Modern Physics, Tendulkar is...well...father of two.

Now that should settle the issue once and for all.

P.S. Those who prefer it the other way round, read If Paris Hilton Been a Cricketer and Had Harry Potter Been A Cricketer elsewhere at BCC!.

(A reproduction of a September 11, 2009 post)


Wednesday 14 March 2012

Duncan Fletcher’s Secret Diary: Virat Kohli and His Irrepressible Middle Finger

Sort of liking VK even though he calls me, among other unmentionables, 'His Lipidness'.

In an otherwise dull dressing room-- VK insists it's Undressing Room -- he sticks out like a sore middle finger.

VK is full off aggro. Can be pig-headed too. Imagine a pighead with a Mohawk on top.

"Fatso, I got no middle name. Just middle finger," he whispered in my ear in our first meeting.

Asked him how he saw my appointment.

"S**t happens."

And he shrewdly gave me the bird.

"You like my ring?"

He'll make a good vice captain. Has all the vices of a captain.

Advised him "You just need to curb that middle finger. Learn from others."

He warned me not to equate him with team mates.

"Paancho ungliya barabar nahi hote," he said. Obviously giving me the finger to drive home the point.

Poor chap. Couldn't digest the fact that he has to be a floater as long as the seniors are around.

"S**t floats."

Could have been a good weightlifter as well. Always lifting something -- team performance, spirit, Tendulkar.

Just as we were about to leave our hotel in Australia, VK got down from the bus, walked back to the lobby and suddenly lifted the bellboy.

"Poor dude. Carried the burden of the guests since joining the job. It's time we carried him on our shoulder."

So much so that Tendulkar refuses to share room with him.

"Aila, I don’t want to open my eyes in the night and find myself perched on his shoulder. It’s so unnerving."

Friday 9 March 2012

Rahul Dravid - Methuselah in Flannel

This piece of statistics confirmed our worst fears last years.

Rahul Dravid has faced most deliveries in test cricket's history. A staggering 29,125 before he resumed the self-flagellation in England and Australia.

And by the time he was sick with test cricket, Dravid had faced 31,258 deliveries, to go with the 15,284 in ODIs and 1369 in T20s.

Now -- and here I want you to follow closely-- if you quickly look around to make sure none is watching you and shrewdly put them together, Dravid has faced 47,911 deliveries.

For argument’s sake, let's assume every delivery took one minute each.

After all the sightscreen has to be moved; the batsman has to make sure the rival skipper has not sneaked in an extra fielder; the non-striker has to conclude his chit-chat with the mid-on fielder wherein both inquire about the female members in each other’s family and so on.

Also, the ball has to be licked, rubbed, roughened, scratched and its seam assaulted -– with nail, both human and iron, bottle-openers and even Afridi's teeth -– before the bowler starts his run up.

And if Shoaib Akhtar is the bowler, a batsman can afford a quick power nap without risking oversleeping as the Pakistani's grunt would wake him up just in time to face the ball.

You can safely say Dravid has spent an estimated 47,911 minutes waiting for deliveries.

Any stout calculator will tell you that’s slightly less than 800 hours or nearly 34 days.

To give you an idea, a female White Stork which has just laid a clutch of eggs would rush back expecting them to hatch after she had watched all deliveries aimed at Dravid at one go.

Now it takes a lot of patience to do that and I’m not talking about a female White Stork’s egg laying.

Even his staunchest detractor would admit Dravid has been patient.

In fact so patient that he was promptly drawn to a doctor who became his better half. Three-quarters, if you fuss.

So if Dravid looked like cricket's Methuselah, you know why.

He faced 47,911 deliveries, mind you. And that excludes his wife's two.

(P.S. This is a mildly-tweaked reproduction of a July 20, 2011 post)

Monday 27 February 2012

Duncan Fletcher’s Secret Diary: Sehwag, Parantha and Rift With Dhoni

Viru can be brain-dead. Don’t know what he has got inside his head. Not much outside either.

At times want to thrash him but he doesn’t look particularly Gandhian. If he reciprocates, I’d look shapeless which, he assures, would me make marginally better looking.

But then banks may refuse me new loans.

Viru once told me he can carve two coaches out of me and one can coach the other.

"Just not sure which knife will do and need to consult Dravid for the correct follow through."

He just loves his paranthas which I once mistook for round doormats. He keeps them in a giant CD wallet.

Asked him why he’s so inconsistent, Viru said he relishes bowlers with a face like a parantha but is nervous against naan-faced bowlers.

"Never liked naans, none of the naans. Once they upset my stomach. Naan-faced bowlers still upset me."

Viru once sent one of the paranthas to represent him in the team meeting. As expected, the parantha gave more inputs before fading down Gambhir's entrails.

Whenever Gambhir opens his mouth, I still hear the parantha wailing – "Dhoni sucks because he doesn't shampoo his hair often".

Asked him last night if there was a rift between him and Dhoni.

"Nothing between us anymore, not even a rift."

(P.S. This is a new series following complaints that Afridi’s Secret Diary was in poor taste. So poor that why the government didn’t grant it a BPL card remains one of the major mysteries of the 21st century which is broadly the period separating Tendulkar's existing 99th century from his impending 100th).

Tuesday 21 February 2012

Kapil Dev da jawab nahi!

Kapil Dev believes Sachin Tendulkar should immediately quit ODI.

In fact Tendulkar should have quit long ago, paaji says.

Probably Tendulkar should have never played cricket in the first place maybe?

Doosra buttonholed paaji for an air-clearing purpose and here goes the excerpts:

Doosra: Paaji, welcome to Doosra.

Kapil: Thanks. You’re cheeks are glistening. I know which shaving cream you use. Palmolive da jawab nahi.

Doosra: Well, no, I mean...whatever.

Kapil: Exactly.

Doosra: Sorry?

Kapil: Whatever! I mean what stays for ever? Nothing! I don’t know why people are upset about it but I insist Sachin should retire immediately. With his best interests in mind, I say he should have retired long back. Waise Sachin da jawab nahi.

Doosra: Long back! How long?

Kapil: Maybe before his made his debut. You see, if you retire before making your debut, critics won't be baying for your blood! Isn’t it the smartest thing to do?

Doosra: Not so sure. But paaji, Sachin may not have scored that 100th century but he got quite a few 50s.

Kapil: You miss the point. He does not have age on his side. You grow old and you can't run. And a batsman who can't run is a batsman without runs. And Sidhu once told me that a batsman minus run is like a church minus nun and a burger minus bun. You know, Sidhu da jawab nahi.

Doosra: Yes, paaji. But isn't age just a number? And Sachin is just 38! Jayasuriya played until 42.

Kapil: 38 my size 14 foot! He got his birth certificate from the same guy whom Afridi's parents approached. Do you know every debutant bowler touches Sachin’s feet before he starts bowling? If they bowl bouncers at Sachin, parents scold them for being disrespectful to an old man. You have any idea how many presidents Pakistan had since Sachin’s debut? Eight! Waise to Pakistan da jawab nahi.

Doosra: But paaji, is it not a case of the pot calling the kettle black?

Kapil: What this nonsense? Pot, kettle, strainer...are you a tea-seller? Waise Darjeeling tea da jawab nahin.

Doosra: Paaji, please don’t mind, what I meant is - you yourself got your retirement wrong and the team carried you just to help you get that record.

Kapil: You know what Virat Kohli said?

Doosra: What? That s**t happens?

Kapil: No. He said you carry people who carry the burden of the nation. Kohli da jawab nahi.

Doosra: Paaji, then why can’t India carry Sachin then for a while, maybe until his 100th century?

Kapil: Again you miss the point. Team mates already carried him once, on their shoulders after India won World Cup. You can’t expect them to carry you all your life…it’s not your apartment! Did you mumble something?

Doosra: paaji. Kapil da jawab nahi.

Tuesday 24 January 2012

Afridi’s Secret Diary: My Brash With Politics!

I resently attended Imran Bhai's political rally and I am impressed like nobody’s business.

It was so crowded that no body was going. But I went and the because was, Imran Bhai invited me. Of course I was septic initially but still went.

When I was gone, he was speeching like no body’s business. His voice was booming. His voice was very…what you call it… echo-friendly. Outside the ground, there was long cues of people.

When I climbed the stage, he told me to sit. After his speech finished, he spoke me if I want to speech. I said I was speechless and could not speak. I needed some body to right it for me.

He laughed and we started chat.

"You look so fit even today. Do you still exorcise?" I questioned. He laughed like nobody’s business.

He teached me much things about politics. He thinks about the pour people of our country, says we need a brake from the Zardaris and Musharrafs.

He has a big aim in life – to be the President of Pakistan. Very aimbitious man… or is it amphibious? Whoever. Please beer with me on that.

I asked him "How you manage duel role – cricket and politics? What if you are defeat?"

He said like cricket, wins and loos are part of politics. Then he spoke something I did not understood.

He said we should be men of high principal.

Now in my school, our principal was a small tall man. That is not my faultness, I did not appoint he. So is it my blame if I don’t had high principal?

Will meet him next in his berth day party. Will ask him to clearify it.

Wednesday 18 January 2012

Exclusive: Harrowing Homecoming Awaits Dhoni & Co!

At the outset, Doosra maintains eavesdropping is thoroughly unethical, a giveaway of a dodgy upbringing and can never be encouraged under any circumstances.

One such recent exercise shattered the myth that BCCI bosses care only about money and doesn’t bother about anything else as long as they collect it by the sackfuls.

On the contrary, BCCI boss N Srinivasan and his colleagues are seething in anger after India's debacle in Australia.

And if what Doosra heard -– have already outlined where Doosra stands on the subject of eavesdropping – is any indication, some of the Indian cricketers are in for serious trouble.

Following is the excerpts of what was heard inside the BCCI office where Srinivasan was in a mood so foul that it would have drawn a red card even from the most considerate of soccer referees.

Clerk: Cool down sir, cool down. So much anger is not good for your health. Should I get you a glass of chilled coconut water?

Srinivasan: Coconut water my size 12 foot! Disgraceful! They’ll get their just deserts.

Clerk: What sir! They disgraced the country and you treat them with desserts. Not done sir.

Srinivasan: Stop mumbling you moron and see that list. I’ve decided to punish some of those nincompoops.

Clerk: Ok Sir. Dhoni is number one. Captain Cool.

Srinivasan: Rubbish! Captain Fool. Okay, on his return, tie him to a chair in the dark storeroom of our office with a full-volume TV set playing that CD.

Clerk: Which CD sir?

Srinivasan: "Navjot Sing Sidhu Unplugged".

Clerk: Wow. Sir Sehwag is next.

Srinivasan: Too many aloo-paranthas blunted him. Completely lost focus and concentration. Make him balance a hot samosa on the tip of his nose, two hours in the morning and another two in the afternoon to improve his concentration. Add "hands tied behind back".

Clerk: Done sir. What about Ishant?

Srinivasan: That brain-dead moron? Give him a bar of soap and Baba Ramdev’s ink-stained robe. He has to rub the cloth clean.

Clerk: Excellent sir. And Gambhir?

Srinivasan: Gambhir, well when he returns tell him to clean all Mayawati statues in Noida Park with his jersey. Also, after finishing every statue, he should ask himself "Have I Made it Large?"

Clerk: Brilliant sir. Srikkanth too in the list?

Srinivasan: Of course. Make the motormouth madcap read all seven volumes of Mayawati's memoirs cover-to-cover. You then ask him random questions to ensure he actually read it.

Clerk: Ok sir. By the way, what happened to the team's phase-out plan?

Srinivasan: What phase-out? Time for complete overhaul. Cancel their original return tickets and book them on Alliance Air, specially requesting for that pilot who landed the Kozhikode-bound flight in Kochi.

Clerk: But sir...

Srinivasan: What but? Do just as I say.

Tuesday 10 January 2012

Kohli’s 7 Point Defence In Fingergate Scandal

Doosra suggests a soil test of the Sydney Cricket Ground (SCG) if civilisation is to know why it brings out the worst among the visiting Indians.

The moment a Harbhajan Singh steps on it in 2008, the SCG soil convinces him of Andrew Symonds’ stalled evolution, an articulation that led to a Monkeygate.

Flash forward 2012 and this time a Virat Kohli, almost against his wishes, stars in a Fingergate scandal, confirming widespread doubts about the soil’s sanity-sapping streak.

Kohli mounted a spirited defence against the charge, using a seven-pronged strategy but the ICC Match Referee would not budge.

Doosra has accessed Kohli’s seven-point defence in which the cricketer made varying attempts to explain his action:

1. With Australian batsmen cruising merrily, I had to do something to keep myself awake and amused. So I engaged in a pantomime with Gautam Gambhir and had just asked him “what’s up” when the photo was taken;

2. The photo was taken out of context. As part of my limbering up, I raised all my fingers, one by one, but the cameraman for some reason chose to publish the third of the five photos, leading to this clearly avoidable fuss;

3. I had my fingers crossed for a breakthrough and I did it my way. Now to cross your fingers, you need to raise the middle one first before wrapping the top of the index with it. The cameraman, no doubt a crook with filthy motives, caught me midway through the act, thus kicking up this unnecessary storm;

4. Like Muralitharan, I was born with a physical deformity in the form of an erratic middle finger with occasional-gravity-defying syndrome which makes it spring and raise itself even against my wishes.

5. I was shadow-practising a carom ball, which you can’t deliver without a flick of that finger, however bad it may look.

6. Staring at defeat, Mahi asked us to put up our hand and be counted. Now everyone does it their own way but my strong sense of aesthetics tells me to start by raising the longest finger first, followed by others. I had just initiated the process when the photographer shot me.

7. Well, if the above arguments didn’t convince you, let’s cut the crap and admit -- Shit Happens.

Sunday 1 January 2012

When Superman met Sehwag!

Superman: Hey man. I heard you are the Superman of Cricket and so came to meet you.

Sehwag: Who are you?

Superman: Strange! You don’t know me? I’m Superman!

Sehwag: No idea what you do but kids know you. Why they call you Superman? Have you scored a 400 in a test?

Superman: I mean....No.

Sehwag: 200 in ODIs?

Superman: Err...No.

Sehwag: So? Have you beaten Navjot Sidhu in a proverb contest? Did you out-cliche Ravi Shastri in presentation ceremony? Do you do more endorsements than Tendulkar?

Superman: Hang on. Well, to start with, I have x-ray vision.

Sehwag: X-ray? Not bad. Why don’t you join our support staff? We need a portable x-ray machine anyway. Someone is getting injured every day.

Superman: Man, it’s not like that. With it, I can see through.

Sehwag: What? What’s wrong with you? Are you a pervert?

Superman: What are you talking, man!

Sehwag: Forget it. What else can you do?

Superman: I save damsels in distress.

Sehwag: Why just damsels? Why not kids and the aged ones? Hero banta hai?

Superman: I mean I help all...

Sehwag: Then why said only damsels? What else you can do?

Superman: I can fly.

Sehwag: Why?

Superman: What do you mean why?

Sehwag: What’s the need to fly? What these aeroplanes are for? Hero banta hai?

Superman: Man, you are just impossible. Well, I’m an American cultural icon and I hope you know what I mean when I say that.

Sehwag: Icon? So what? I’m also an IPL icon player. There are several other players whom Lalit Modi made icon. What’s the big deal?

Superman: I give up. No point arguing with you. Can’t believe someone can be so...good bye.

Sehwag: Good bye. Waise bhaisab, don’t mind but you have worn your undie on the outside. No doubt in a hurry.

Superman: No. I wear it like this! This is my style. It’s when in hurry that I dress like you guys. Bye.

Sehwag: What? Dufferman.