Thursday 28 May 2015

The existential crisis in animal kingdom nobody will tell you about

"It's a dog's life" is the common refrain of human existence but frankly speaking, we simply have no idea what our canine friends and other animals are going through.

The general discontentment with life, I'm reliably told, is rife among them. Truth is, no animal is happy being what he is and believes Life has played a dirty trick on them by generously handing out certain fruit of the Citrus genus while maintaining a wicked silence on the important procedure of lemonade-making.

The poor animals laid bare their soul in one of their nocturnal gatherings moderated by an elderly cow and Doosra reproduces it verbatim.

Let me tell you, if this doesn’t exhaust your monthly supply of tissue boxes, you have a stone where a heart was supposed to be.

Mosquito: Guys, to be honest, I've lost the urge to live on. I'm not overreacting when I say blood doesn’t taste what it used to be.

Cow: Well my little friend, don't say like that. It's a grossly imperfect world but one should not succumb so easily to pessimism. What makes you so cynic?

Mosquito: Listen bro, you know I'm a mutant mosquito, quite a tough nut to crack. None of the repellants they've invented really works on me. But I can't be too fond of a life spent trying to avoid being squashed between the palms. I'd rather be reborn as a Sajid Khan film. At least no one would clap!

Cow: I hear you, totally. Cheer up mate. You think I’m happy being what I am? No! Even I wanted to make it big in life. I wish I were raised in Chennai and one day they showered a Jayalalithaa or a Rajinikant banner with my milk. Imagine, my milk! Everyone needs a tale to tell their grandchildren in the twilight of their life. I'm no exception.

Dog: I see where you're coming from bud, for I have my own little ambition and it's not being hailed as "man's best friend" by the same human being who'd tie crackers to my tail in Diwali and derive sadistic pleasure out of my inelegant panic.

Cow: So what's your dream my friend?

Dog: Some day, I wish to chase a Ferrari car in a Formula One race and wet the tyre of a brand new Mercedes. I can die in peace after that.

Cow: I hope it comes true my friend. I guess our friend, the illustrious Royal Bengal Tiger has no real regrets in life, being the darling of the environmentalists who'd lay their lives to protect you?

Royal Bengal Tiger: It's fat good being the darling of a tribe which is more endangered than I am. What drives me nuts is the fact that despite being the grandest of tigers, I'm still not a brand! And if you're not a brand, let me tell you, market economy would not even look back at you. I'd rather be a Jaguar or even a Puma, even if it's a drastic demotion for me in the hierarchy.

Cow: I missed that angle, obviously. Well, I won't call Peacock a brand yet but I think our beautiful feathery friend can't complain not being in demand.

Peacock: Dear cow, don't take it personally but you are simply talking through your hat. Try living in shrinking habitats, in constant fear of being denuded of your plumes. And what's the use of being beautiful and yet retire as soon as the sun sets? I wish I were an owl instead.

Cow: And why's that?

Peacock: Because they have exciting nightlife (winks).

Owl: Nightlife my foot! Given a chance, I'll be happily swapping my chronic insomnia with any normal bird. It's very humiliating when certain birds sarcastically wish us "have a good day".

Cow: Well, you certainly have a point. Dear cockroach, you too nurse a grudge like that?

Cockroach: No, I nurse revenge only. I just want to be reborn as a human being, as a cheating boyfriend -- a charismatic Casanova, a relentless Romeo, a deadly Don Juan...

Cow: Calm down my friend, so much of excitement is not good for your tiny body.

Cockroach: Well, I want to teach at girls lesson for their collective over-reaction at the mere sight of any of us.

Cow: I got your point. You too believe life has been harsh on you dear Zebra?

Zebra: What else? Look at me, cursed with a permanent black-and-white life while the world has long back moved to colours. I'd rather be a chameleon. The other day, I heard this ant on my neck telling its friend: "you'd be in trouble if you try to run over me, I’m on zebra crossing."

Cow: What’s your take monkey?

Monkey: Listen bro. Let's admit, life here is not what it should have been here. I just want to relocate to a Banana Republic, ASAP.