Duncan Fletcher’s Secret Diary: Sehwag, Parantha and Rift With Dhoni

Viru can be brain-dead. Don’t know what he has got inside his head. Not much outside either.

At times want to thrash him but he doesn’t look particularly Gandhian. If he reciprocates, I’d look shapeless which, he assures, would me make marginally better looking.

But then banks may refuse me new loans.

Viru once told me he can carve two coaches out of me and one can coach the other.

"Just not sure which knife will do and need to consult Dravid for the correct follow through."

He just loves his paranthas which I once mistook for round doormats. He keeps them in a giant CD wallet.

Asked him why he’s so inconsistent, Viru said he relishes bowlers with a face like a parantha but is nervous against naan-faced bowlers.

"Never liked naans, none of the naans. Once they upset my stomach. Naan-faced bowlers still upset me."

Viru once sent one of the paranthas to represent him in the team meeting. As expected, the parantha gave more inputs before fading down Gambhir's entrails.

Whenever Gambhir opens his mouth, I still hear the parantha wailing – "Dhoni sucks because he doesn't shampoo his hair often".

Asked him last night if there was a rift between him and Dhoni.

"Nothing between us anymore, not even a rift."

(P.S. This is a new series following complaints that Afridi’s Secret Diary was in poor taste. So poor that why the government didn’t grant it a BPL card remains one of the major mysteries of the 21st century which is broadly the period separating Tendulkar's existing 99th century from his impending 100th).

Exclusive: Harrowing Homecoming Awaits Dhoni & Co!

At the outset, Doosra maintains eavesdropping is thoroughly unethical, a giveaway of a dodgy upbringing and can never be encouraged under any circumstances.

One such recent exercise shattered the myth that BCCI bosses care only about money and doesn’t bother about anything else as long as they collect it by the sackfuls.

On the contrary, BCCI boss N Srinivasan and his colleagues are seething in anger after India's debacle in Australia.

And if what Doosra heard -– have already outlined where Doosra stands on the subject of eavesdropping – is any indication, some of the Indian cricketers are in for serious trouble.

Following is the excerpts of what was heard inside the BCCI office where Srinivasan was in a mood so foul that it would have drawn a red card even from the most considerate of soccer referees.

Clerk: Cool down sir, cool down. So much anger is not good for your health. Should I get you a glass of chilled coconut water?

Srinivasan: Coconut water my size 12 foot! Disgraceful! They’ll get their just deserts.

Clerk: What sir! They disgraced the country and you treat them with desserts. Not done sir.

Srinivasan: Stop mumbling you moron and see that list. I’ve decided to punish some of those nincompoops.

Clerk: Ok Sir. Dhoni is number one. Captain Cool.

Srinivasan: Rubbish! Captain Fool. Okay, on his return, tie him to a chair in the dark storeroom of our office with a full-volume TV set playing that CD.

Clerk: Which CD sir?

Srinivasan: "Navjot Sing Sidhu Unplugged".

Clerk: Wow. Sir Sehwag is next.

Srinivasan: Too many aloo-paranthas blunted him. Completely lost focus and concentration. Make him balance a hot samosa on the tip of his nose, two hours in the morning and another two in the afternoon to improve his concentration. Add "hands tied behind back".

Clerk: Done sir. What about Ishant?

Srinivasan: That brain-dead moron? Give him a bar of soap and Baba Ramdev’s ink-stained robe. He has to rub the cloth clean.

Clerk: Excellent sir. And Gambhir?

Srinivasan: Gambhir, well when he returns tell him to clean all Mayawati statues in Noida Park with his jersey. Also, after finishing every statue, he should ask himself "Have I Made it Large?"

Clerk: Brilliant sir. Srikkanth too in the list?

Srinivasan: Of course. Make the motormouth madcap read all seven volumes of Mayawati's memoirs cover-to-cover. You then ask him random questions to ensure he actually read it.

Clerk: Ok sir. By the way, what happened to the team's phase-out plan?

Srinivasan: What phase-out? Time for complete overhaul. Cancel their original return tickets and book them on Alliance Air, specially requesting for that pilot who landed the Kozhikode-bound flight in Kochi.

Clerk: But sir...

Srinivasan: What but? Do just as I say.

When Superman met Sehwag!

Superman: Hey man. I heard you are the Superman of Cricket and so came to meet you.

Sehwag: Who are you?

Superman: Strange! You don’t know me? I’m Superman!

Sehwag: No idea what you do but kids know you. Why they call you Superman? Have you scored a 400 in a test?

Superman: I mean....No.

Sehwag: 200 in ODIs?

Superman: Err...No.

Sehwag: So? Have you beaten Navjot Sidhu in a proverb contest? Did you out-cliche Ravi Shastri in presentation ceremony? Do you do more endorsements than Tendulkar?

Superman: Hang on. Well, to start with, I have x-ray vision.

Sehwag: X-ray? Not bad. Why don’t you join our support staff? We need a portable x-ray machine anyway. Someone is getting injured every day.

Superman: Man, it’s not like that. With it, I can see through.

Sehwag: What? What’s wrong with you? Are you a pervert?

Superman: What are you talking, man!

Sehwag: Forget it. What else can you do?

Superman: I save damsels in distress.

Sehwag: Why just damsels? Why not kids and the aged ones? Hero banta hai?

Superman: I mean I help all...

Sehwag: Then why said only damsels? What else you can do?

Superman: I can fly.

Sehwag: Why?

Superman: What do you mean why?

Sehwag: What’s the need to fly? What these aeroplanes are for? Hero banta hai?

Superman: Man, you are just impossible. Well, I’m an American cultural icon and I hope you know what I mean when I say that.

Sehwag: Icon? So what? I’m also an IPL icon player. There are several other players whom Lalit Modi made icon. What’s the big deal?

Superman: I give up. No point arguing with you. Can’t believe someone can be so...good bye.

Sehwag: Good bye. Waise bhaisab, don’t mind but you have worn your undie on the outside. No doubt in a hurry.

Superman: No. I wear it like this! This is my style. It’s when in hurry that I dress like you guys. Bye.

Sehwag: What? Dufferman.

Concussed Gambhir fails memory test!

Hear it here first!

The nasty concussion has left Gautam Gambhir with a memory as dodgy as Suresh Raina’s technique against rising deliveries.

The team doctor paraded the entire Indian team and to their horror, Gambhir could not recognise his teammates!

Here is what happened there:

Doctor: Hi Gautam...hello Gautam…hey Gautam!

GG: Why are you poking at my ribcage?

Doctor: Because I’m calling you and you are not replying.

GG: But who am I? All I know is that I’m concussed.

Doctor: You are Gautam..

GG: Gautama? Gautama Buddha? Well, Buddha hoga tera baap.

Doctor: You are Gautam Gambhir. Indian cricketer.

GG: Oh yes, it all coming back to me.

Doctor: I’m relieved. Hey Viru, come here. Gautam, you know Viru?

GG: Yes. I know Viru...but he was not bald. Viru... he loves Basanti but mausi doesn’t like him.

Doctor: What are you talking? Viru is Virender Sehwag. Remember you are an opener. Hey, what are you doing? Why are you biting the can?

GG: You said I’m an opener. Was trying to open the can.

Doctor: My god! You are a cricketer who got consussed. You remember how?

GG: Yes, it all coming back to me. I was trying to catch Kevin...Kevin...Kevin Spacey.

Doctor: Pietersen!

GG: Oh yes. It all coming back to me. It’s Pietersen. Don't yell at me.

Doctor: Sachin, come here. Gautam, you know Sachin?

GG: Of course I remember. Sachin.. He has got a nasal voice. I like his "Ore majhi, le chal par".

Doctor: that’s Sachin Devvarman! I’m talking about Sachin Tendulkar!

GG: Oh yes, Tendulkar, Tendulkar. It all coming back to me. Don’t scare me doctor, now I remember it all. By the way, you sure I’m Gautam Gambhir?

Doctor: Yes. Apart from Sachin, you remember any of your team mates? You remember Rahul?

GG: Yes Rahul...he is Sachin’s son.

Doctor: Again! I’m not talking about Rahul Devvarman.

GG: Ok ok, stop scolding me. Was joking. It all coming back to me. Rahul who? Yes Rahul. He’s not Sachin’s son. He is Sonia’s son and will become Prime Minister some day.

Doctor: Hopeless. It’s Rahul Dravid. Ok will help you identify the rest. Look at him. Tell us who he is? His first name is Suresh. Does that ring a bell?

GG: Of coufrse. Hi Suresh. You look younger. You have shaved I see. Doctor, I told him to play cricket but he went to Commonwealth Games instead and got into troubles. I don’t know what he did there but was jailed. Have they released you from Tihar? I’m concussed you know…

Doctor: Aargh! Completely gone case. You can’t recognise anyone. Do you know me or you forgot the team doctor as well?

GG: I know you doctor. You are Dhoni. You got a doctorate other day. I remember everything. It...

Doctor: ...all coming back to you, isn't it?

7 Reasons why China Will Do Well in Cricket

1. First and foremost, they would have the largest gathering of Chinaman bowlers, beat that!

2. Javed Miandad has been teaching them cricket ethics and spirit of the game;

3. China possess a wall more impregnable than Rahul Dravid;

4. Ages of ping-pong practice means even their No. 11 batter would have the sharp hand-eye coordination of a Sehwag;

5. The outside world would have to depend solely on Xinhua for results, which effectively means the world would know only what the on-duty Xinhua editor wants it to know;

6. Cheap Chinese products would be a serious distraction for tourists, especially when fielding. Plans are afoot to set up boundary line kiosks in all major stadiums;

7. I have been to Beijing Olympics and can tell you that China can both prevent and make rain. So while a Dhoni or a Ponting, at best, can pray for rain, their Chinese counterpart would have access to a technology which would be handy on the fifth day of a precarious Test.

A stroll down Critic Street

It was one hell of an experience Doosra can't help but share with readers.

Thinking of this and that, one strayed into an unknown territory and before you know what is what, you are staring at a signboard which tells you have hit the 'Critic Street'.

Flesh creeps as one relates the story.

Before one could separate one’s knotted eyebrows, someone rammed into the midriff and said 'Sorry'.

Looking up, one had this guy who looked perfect from all angles, except his right hand, which lacked the index finger.

For some, maybe five is one too many and you cannot hold it against him. Boris Yeltsin had three on his left hand, Jerry Garcia had four-and-half on his right. Hrithik Roshan provides the contrasting splurge with his six on the right.

So one asked if he would mind telling the story of his missing finger.

"I'm a Harbhajan critic and had just pointed out his poor performance," he said.

He had just finished when one actually heard Harbhajan screaming from behind the clouds:

"I will cut off those fingers!"

Now oracles can be very disturbing. It sort of unnerves you, somehow affecting the coordination among faculties and limbs.

Naturally it was some sort of comfort finding the next guy fully endowed with no part of his well-rounded body gone AWOL.

But before one could engage him in a discussion, he suddenly started his impersonation of a petulant dog, letting out a series of high decibel barks.

"I'm a Sehwag critic," he said. Off went an oracle:

"Jab haathi chalta hai toh bahut saare Janwar bhaungkte hai. the elephant keeps walking ignoring them. That is exactly how I like to deal with my critics."

Meeting the next bird sort of calmed one's frazzled nerves. He had his fingers intact and even better, he did not bark. Only thing that annoyed me is his habit of abruptly suspending discussion, stooping to pick a pebble and throw it.

At one stage, one had to ask him if he would mind saying why he keeps doing that.

"I'm a Tendulkar critic," he said.

And soon a sing-song voice screamed from the sky:

"...people sometimes throw stones and you convert them into milestones."

I tore myself away and kept going till I saw someone, squatting on the ground and leafing through reams of pages of diagrams and speedgun reports.

"Sorry, don't have time for pleasantries. I'm an Irfan Pathan critic, busy figuring out whether he was an express bowler ever."

Oracle: "Critics should understand I was never an express bowler."

IPL, a lexicographer’s perspective

Had Samuel Johnson or Noah Webster been around, it would have spared me the trouble. Since they are not, I guess someone has to step in, spit on his palms and get on with the job.

So here are seven IPL words which Doosra believes should straightaway be in the lexicons.
 

1. Laliterature (la-lit-ray-chur): any text rich with recurring phrases like ‘multi-million-dollar deal’, ‘tender’, ‘rights’, ‘franchise’ etc. (e.g. The eunuchs who came to listen to Pranab Mukherjee’s budget were disappointed, admitting they could not make heads or tails of the Finance Minister’s laliterature.)
 

2. Yusuffering (yu-suff-ring): See-saw, yo-yoing. (e.g. Elin Nordegren finally handed Tiger Woods his hat, saying the golfer’s yusuffering fidelity was to be blamed for their parting.)
 

3. Mandiraxed (man-di-raxd): Dumped unceremoniously. (e.g. Sarah Palin says she is clueless why Barack Obama mandiraxed her and fell for that Chicago lamppost called Michelle.)
 

4. Yuvinile (yuv-nael): Excessive penchant for nightlife. (e.g. ‘Shoaib Akhtar had all the ingredients to be a great bowler but for his yuvinile indiscretions,’ rued Imran Khan.)
 

5. Shilparasites (shil-para-saets): gatecrashing relatives of your lady boss. (e.g. I had invited only my boss in my anniversary but she turned up with hordes of her freeloading shilparasites.)
 

6. Gangulyse (gang-u-lies): revive, mend. (e.g. John Terry’s tormented wife today made it clear that no amount of counseling can gangulyse her relation with her Casanova husband.)
 

7. Sehwagon Wheel: A wagon wheel where 4s and 6s far outnumber 1s and 2s. (e.g. Arjun Tendulkar’s Sehwagon Wheel reassured us that the youngster is following in his father’s footsteps.)

7 potential alternative careers in cricket

Whenever they speak, some cricketers can be quite thought-provoking. For instance, your first thought after hearing Player A could be a wishful one – wish the proverbial cat had gotten his tongue and was not sighted since.

Some cricketers can also make a believer out of you. The first sentence has barely left Player B's lips and you start believing that human tongue functions independently of human brain.

And then there are certain cricketers, who help you understand things around. Like exactly what thought went behind adding a MUTE button to all remote controls.

But then there are others who make interesting reading and from whatever I listened/read over the last few days, I have no doubt that the seven cricketers below would have made quite a good name in other professions. Cricket's-gain-is-god-knows-what's-loss stuff, I mean.

Sample the men and their utterances.

1. Miandad the Microbiologist: "T20 cricket is a virus". (Tendulkar, clearly from the other school of thought, felt T20 was dessert. Talk about one man’s meat being another man’s poison.)

2. Dr Sunil Gavaskar, MBBS: "The way they (Indian fielders) are going about it (dropping catches), despite the cold weather I doubt if they will be able to catch a cold."

3. Adam Parore the Cardiologist: "Jesse Ryder may have the longest lower abdominal strain in history - someone with a heart transplant would have been back quicker."

4. Wayne Parnell the Actuary: "It’s (the $610,000 hole he created in Daredevils’ pocket) a huge sum of money!"

5. Matthew Hayden, Oz High Commissioner to India: "I have been welcomed into the bosom of India as a brother." (Sourav Ganguly now calls him Hayden da, one hears).

6. Lalit Modi the Environmentalist: "For every effigy burnt I will go and plant 200 trees".

7. Jamie Siddons the Proctologist: "His (Sehwag’s) comments (that Bangladesh is an ordinary side) might bite him on his bum in a few years' time."

Doosra Annual Award 2009

Dhoni could not believe it. Sehwag didn't like it. Pietersen rather resented it and Dirk Nannes was quite livid.

I assured them justice delayed is justice denied alright but they need not harbour similar insecurity about Doosra annual awards.

So without much ado, here goes the 2009 gongs:

1. Hosiery Society's Rookie Designer of the Year: Andrew Flintoff, for his socks;

2. Lingerie Wholesaler Association's Newcomer of the Year: Shane Warne, for his brief designs;

3. Youngest Grandpa Citation: Sachin Tendulkar;

4. M(e)an Booker Prize: Justin Langer, for his dossier on English cricketers;

5. Social Networker of the Year: Phil Hughes, for his Twittergate.

6. Honorary Doctorate: Sunil Gavaskar for diagnosing that the butter-finger Indians are incapable of even catching cold.

7. Quisling Memorial Trophy for Fifth Columnist of the Year: Virender Sehwag, for supporting opponents in close ties.

8. The inaugural Regit Sdoow Cup: Kevin Pietersen for being the perfect husband and seeking leave to watch his wife's dance prorgamme on TV. (Regit Sdoow is Tiger Woods reversed, for the uninitiated).

9. Thomas Edison Medal: Tillakaratne Dilshan for inventing ‘Dilscoop’.

10. Lord Snooty of the Year: Ram Gopal Verma, for mistaking Dhoni for an aspiring actor;

15. Cricketer Sans Border Plaque: Dirk Nannes, for effortlessly two-timing Netherlands and Australia.

16. Noam Chomsky Medal: Again Dirk Nannes, for being the only Japanese-speaking cricketer.

(Read Doosra Annual Award 2008 here)

Sehwag redefines beauty

Beauty lies in the eyes of the beholder. Or something to that effect.

That was by and large what Messrs Shakespeare & Franklin told us and needless to say we took them at face value.

Untangled, the saying basically means you may categorise Paris Hilton as God's unfinished project but there would always be colossal fatheads like Cristiano Ronaldo who would drool over her, even if momentarily.

Or take the vastly polarising act of spitting on others for instance.

While it's generally accepted as one of the five sureshot ways of incurring a black eye, the same act would endear you no end if the other guy happens to speak Maa, worship Engai and live in an Inkajijik somewhere in Masai Mara.

It's a matter of perception, we are told.

Now sample this:

In the dressing room they told me I was hitting the good balls too. But if you look at it my way I hit only the bad ones.

Don't allow the Team India bonhomie con you. Sehwag clearly doesn't see eye-to-eye with his teammates when it comes to the aesthetics of a delivery.

What his teammates perceive as good appears simply rotten to him.

He has redefined batting. Now Sehwag redefines beauty.

Let's get the saying right. Lack of beauty lies in the eyes of the beholder.

(P.S. Revisit the 7 tenets of Sehwag's batting)

Kanpur Test Day 2: God's prodigal son

It was a huge joint venture, if you care to know.

Sources reveal 33 crore Hindu Gods collaborated with Allah Almighty and Jesus Christ to make it happen.

And it required such an unprecedented joining of hands because, along with others, the God of Cricket -- 20 years in circulation -- did not want him in the Team India dressing room.

Sreesanth is a madcap.

He hears strange noise inside his head. He perceives Nel, Hayden and Symonds on the window pane. Harbhajan with an outstretched hand haunts him in his nightmares. And he hallucinates a gorilla making him hug a monkey while the fox claps.

Gods consult and issue him a new lease of life and Sreesanth runs in from media centre end, all verve and vim.

He thinks Paranavitana has nicked it. He appeals. No, he pleads. He then urges. Finally he begs.

But there is no trace of life in the umpire's standing corpse.

Sreesanth stays rooted to the crease.

Sehwag collects his hat and pats him. Sreesanth drags himself to fine leg. He looks upward. Seeking divine intervention again.

The guys upstairs squirm in their abode.

"Now what?"

Sreesanth feels he is drowning. And he seeks a divine straw to clutch at.

7 reasons why it’s not easy being an Indian cricketer

Virender Sehwag has not had a bumper crop on his barren scalp.

Harbhajan Singh's Hummer has not claimed its first casualty yet.

And Irfan Pathan still bowls at a speed which allows him the luxury of fetching the ball midway and do a re-take if he doesn't like the original.

But enough strange things have happened of late to convince me that it's not easy being an Indian cricket these days and here is why:

1. Film directors dismiss you as pestering wannabe actor;

2. Female fans mistake you for a lip gloss;

3. You never know when you find yourself at the wrong end of Vinod Kambli's name-dropping spree in one of the reality shows;

4. Selectors first shove you into a garb and then dump you for posturing in borrowed plumes;

5. Your cousin, especially from hockey, casts an evil eye on your Hummer;

6. Your own state association calls you nepotic; and

7. WADA guys chase you even in your nightmare with a bottle and an injection in their hand, seeking blood and what not.

Seven T20 World Cup truths

1. Reverse colonialism has hit England. How else you explain Collingwood and party getting booed in their own country!

2. You thought MS Dhoni is responsible for India’s failed T20 World Cup campaign only. Students from a Sikkim school have just served an eye-opener. MSD is apparently no less hazardous to Mother Earth than CFC;

3. Younis Khan is the lone cricketer with the distinction of having an X rated smile which threatens to incur censorship;

4. All these talk about Sehwag’s Grade I tear is bulls**t. In fact Pigeons**t, to be precise. Sehwag had a Pigeon perched on his shoulder right throughout IPL II and sources reveal its poisonous drop infected his shoulder;

5. Smart florists in Ranchi have started stacking their shop with effigies as well since either of the two is always in demand;

6. West Indies had plans to use Shivnarine Chanderpaul as opener in Twenty20 World Cup but it did not materialize since painting those eye-patches is a time-consuming exercise and ICC steadfastly refuses to keep play on hold till Lord Shiv is through with his war paint;

7. Doosra can safely reveal that England bowling coach Otis Gibson had sought tips from bar owners in India who told him that it's impossible to stop the Indian bats from going berserk unless you have enough bouncers. Gibson got the message and the rest, as they say, is geography...err I mean history.

Mohali Test...Day 4

0912: Only a superman with his x-ray vision can sight the pitch in such thick fog. Even the track has slipped under a blanket. Wish I could afford such luxury. The frisking just outside the stadium borders on groping and the thought of going through that for five straight days is pretty unnerving. Supersopper mopping the outfield dew, some shadowy figures playing football, could be the Indians. KP and his men could not be traced.

1030: The fickle fog keeps coming back. Harper-Rauf duo inspects the pitch for umpteenth time before retreating, perhaps to tell Dhoni and match can start if he opens with Bhajji-Amit. Kirsten is out with a tennis racket, which changes hand and Munaf Patel shows why Federer should consider himself lucky that Munaf stuck to cricket. Meanwhile, logistic manager Russel Radhakrishnan loses quite a bit of his flab trying to collect Munaf's returns.

1114: James Anderson just got a tattoo done by Dhoni. A terrible judge of a single, Anderson was scampering to return base when Dhoni's full-blooded throw grounded him.

1340: When most relished their lunch, I attended a rather desolate press conference where ICC CEO Haroon Lorgat said -- i) ICC would conduct separate recce before allowing match officials to tour Pakistan for the series against Lanka; ii). Oz-NZ have been put on standby but no reason why sub-continent can't host 2011 World Cup; iii) ICC January meeting would decide fate of 2009 Champions Trophy. And Lorgat was grinning ear-to-ear, explaining how SA's win over OZ at Perth opened up a three-horse race for No. 1 spot.

1348: Strauss, Sehwag, Collingwood, Yuvi...Chennai sizzler proved Mohali fizzlers. Can Tendulkar buck the trend?

1354:...the answer seemed NO. But hold on! there was a big inside edge and Asad Rauf got it right. "You know my father is a Match Referee?" Broad asks Rauf after hie LBW appeal is turned down.

1414: So, Tendulkar too falls to the Curse of Chennai. Can't call him a cricketer with conscience. Broad troubled him all along but he gave Anderson his wicket.

1834: One of the best press conferences involving Yuvi. "Pie-chucker is coming, I'm loving the name," he announced as he walked into the room. Inevitably the first question was about his new sobriquet and Yuvi was on song. "I knew this is going to be the first question.

I got up in the morning and read the paper and thought what does that mean? It means useless bowler. It means KP is getting out to me and useless bowler getting a batsman out five times means useless batting, I must say.

Clearly enjoying every moment of it, Yuvi now attacks KP the bowler...

I have got a better action that KP, his action is useless. But if he works hard he can be a good bowler…I can give him some tips and teach how to bowl in the rough.

And still no love is lost between the two. Sample this...

At the end of the day, everything is on the ground. Me and KP are good friends off the field, but on the field never dare to make friends.

He is a phenomenal player and batted like a champions. He has 15 hundreds in 45 Tests. Actually he tried to get under my skin and brought out the best in me and I tried to get under his skin and brought out the best in him. It's okay, but I don't like to wash dirty linen in public.

Amen.

Mohali Test...Day 1

0909: Welcome to WNWSACWR (What Neo Won't Show and Cricinfo Won't Report, for the uninitiated). The sky is laden and light is so low that upire Daryl Harper is groping in his pocket for the light metre. Finally it's out but Harper is struggling to read the reading. The press box, however, looks more illuminated, more so with the presence of Mike Brearley, Mike Atherton, Angus Fraser and the massive Derek Pringle.

1005: Sehwag proved third time lucky. After two botched attempts to edge Stuart Broad, he nicks it third time and lays the egg -- his 10th Test duck. Grateful Broad adimts even teammates didn't greet him better on his return.

1012: Brearley offered tips to KP in the flight from Chennai to Mohali. I think he is still contributing. A registered psychoanalyst-cum-psychotherapist, I suspect he is a hypnotist as well. Just before the dismissal, Brearley picked up a binocular and gazed at Sehwag who looked in a trance and nicked it.

1043: If Chennai was a great advertisement for Test cricket, Mohali missed that commercial. Crowd is sparse, you have more hair in Sehwag's bullhead. Organisers blame low turnout to exams in school. Flimsy excuse no doubt. Dravid faces the mother of all exams and even he turned up for the match!

1230: Every time a plane passes over the stadium, English fielders look up, as if ECB was supposed to airdrop their saviour. Derek Pringle was overheard saying one of those had Steve Harmison inside. Planes are flying really low, apparently after BCCI assured the airlines that Sehwag is out and there's not much aerial threat for the flying machines.

1538: Nursing a fractured rib and probably a broken heart, KP tried to do a Denis Compton. Compton had famously ran out Vijay Hazare in an Eden Gardens Test with a deft kick from mid-on. But then Compton had also won 54 caps for Arsenal as a footballer! No wonder, Gambhir is safe home.

Mind the thorns Mahi!

He could grow a flower on stone, make a stuffed cuckoo sing and evoke rain at Thar. The sea would split to pave his way, the wind would change course to propel his sail and the world would conspire to fulfil his wishes.

First time since his coronation, a thorn in his bed of roses pricked him and Dhoni still can't believe it!

Welcome Mahi, to a world of leak and lies, suspicion and subterfuge, clique and cartels, malice and malevolence.

Dhoni didn't like it but this was surely not the first occasion when confidential selection debate made its way to the pages of a daily. Unfortunately, this won't be the last either. For his own benefit, Dhoni should learn his lesson from the stumble to avoid an almighty fall.

BCCI head honchos, teammates, selectors, media, fans -- it requires a tremendous balancing act. Man management has to be spot on. Board mandarins with kingsize vanity and non-existent love for the game have to be kept in good humour. Selectors would go into a huddle with an agenda on mind and an axe to grind but Dhoni has to grin and bear it.

And then you have Team India, an assortment of fragile egos of different size, from the miniscule to the monstrous.

Dhoni clearly revels in company of fellow back street boys. But such prejudice has to wed pragmatism to avoid a strife. Presence of former captains bogs him down but Mahi would do well remember that Tendulkar is 'The Untouchable' and Dravid, though no more a Holy Cow, is better left alone.

Among the next generation teammates, Sehwag is a force of nature, not to be messed with and Yuvraj, a weapon of both mass and self destruction, needs utmost care all the time. To ensure the bowling unit keeps firing, Dhoni will have to pamper Zaheer and protect Ishant. Harbhajan is a proven match-winner but he needs to be constantly reminded that. At the same time, the Amit Mishras should not feel unwanted.

There is something reassuring in Dhoni's brand of captaincy that promises the marriage would last. But as Mahi himself would admit, the honeymoon just got over.

Ind vs Oz...Day 1

0930: Welcome to WNWSACWR, in other words, What Neo Won't Show And Cricinfo Won't Report.

0940: Peter Siddle just sent down his first delivery in Test cricket, which reared off like an ill-tempered mule and whacked Gambhir on the helmet. Gambhir apparently has not lost his memory and recognises Sehwag. Sigh of relief across the stadium.

1021: The nearest cricket stadium was some 700km away. So my entire childhood was intrigued by the curiosity to know what players did during the over breaks. Finally, I arrived at my own conclusion that everyone stood still and were allowed to move only when broadcast resumed. It was a shock of my life when I saw them actually moving in front of my eyes during those breaks.

1027: Siddle is bowling from media end and the sightscreen behind Haddin displays a general insurance advertisement with the punchline 'Muskurate Raho'. Well, it's asking for too much, especially when you are hit around the park. At best, Siddle can only grin and bear it.

1039: Brett Lee, India's ambassador to Australia and son of the Mohali soil in IPL, greeted media with a chaste 'Sat Sri Akaal' on Wednesday. Siddle believes otherwise and welcomed Gambhir with a whack on the helmet this morning. Sehwag greets Watson with a boundary. Diwali greetings all around.

1054: The presence of Peter Roebuck in the press box puts me in August company this October 17. Tall man, taller nose (pardon my journalistic exaggeration. A journalist sans exaggeration is SRK minus stammering or spreading of his arms, whatever you like). His trademark sun hat lying on his desk, besides the laptop which he assaulted to pen this nice piece on Tendulkar. Wanted to talk to him but do I really fancy meeting someone who drove Richards and Garner out of Somerset and was jailed for caning three wards? Maybe some other day.

1104: With the Oz attack looking as toothless as the lady who played Indira Thakrun in Satyajit Ray's masterpiece "Pather Panchali", this is the only way they can hope to get Indian wickets. Gambhir and Dravid in an almighty mix-up but fortunately there's no damage. It turned out Gambhir was calling in Punjabi and Dravid was responding in Kannada. I always felt Indian cricket is in badly need of a lingua franca.

1222: The brand new car (I'm not paid, why should I mention the brand?) is perched on the edge of the boundary ropes under a harsh sun. I guess by the end of the fifth day, it would simply evaporate. Friends here are not amused by my thoughts and attribute the perceived banality to the vile lunch we had here. Thanks to the largesse of an Oz company (same reason for not naming them), my peers have turned beer barrels.

1248: After Siddle aimed at his head, Gambhir this time had a full-blooded Ponting throw hit his calf muscle. He clearly has reasons to fear for his life and limb. Hope Gambhir has got his insurance papers right.

1303: So far, Brett Lee has been as effective as Gandhism on gangsters. Imps insist Ponting needs to get Preity Zinta here to hug Lee. Well, I have nothing to say on this issue. I mean, why gild the Lillee...err...lily?

1326: Well, well. They just showed a Preity Zinta poster and Lee removed Dravid! That should be enough to establish the infallibility of my theory and silence the Doubting Thomas.

1444: Peter Siddle just made history by sending down the first ball in the post-tea session. Tendulkar glided it to third man, ran three and the bar was set higher for posterity. Brian Lara, just pushed off the pedestal, must be texting his congratulatory message in his palatial mansion at Trinidad's capital. Take a bow sir.

2009: Talk about controlled aggression.

"I have been around for 19 years and all these 19 years I did not play to prove anything to anyone, not in my first year not in the 10th, 15th or 19th year...I'm not here to react to what X,Y,Z is writing about me or saying about me. People will say lot of things, not necessarily they are always correct. I don't take their opinions seriously. ...so many things are being said and written and not necessarily those are right. Those are only opinions. What I feel within is more important. People tend to give opinion about what's going in my mind, so I don't know how they can figure out what's going in my mind, which is something even I can't figure out at times...As long as I enjoy I'll play. I don't need X,Y,Z to tell me when I should stop or when I should continue. When I stared, no one told me you should start or you should continue, so nobody needs to tell me now either."

I have never seen anyone masking his aggression better. In the press conference, it was Tendulkar all the way.

Live Irani Trophy Updates...Day 4

1033: Sehwag-Gone-Home episode has stirred the hornet's nest here. Some claim he was unhappy with poor accommodation, some claimed he was bitter after Munaf abused him. Talked to DDCA Sports Secretary Sunil Dev, who returned by the same flight y'day and he says Sehwag had a migraine and hence he gone back. Braveheart Gambhir menwhile wages a lone battle.

1431: Well, the match is over and Rest of India thumped Best of India, Ranji champions Delhi, by 187 runs. After the match was over, a new batsman appeared at teh IPCL ground -- pads, gloves and blinding baldness. Anil Kumble and Chetanya Nanda were bowling to him and he struggled to middle a single delivery. By the time he came out all sweats, Gary Kirsten looked very much a tortured soul.

1435: Buttonholed Paddy Upton for an interview and he goes on dwelling on anything and everything but you can't take note, for it's off-the-record. He's anxious to get the okay from BCCI to post articles on the website. So am I.

1437: I didn't abuse anyone but still being made to stand under a scorching sun. Waiting for Match Referee RR Jadeja to announce the verdict of the hearing into Gone-Home Sehwag's complaint against foulmouth Munaf Patel.

Live Irani Trophy Updates...Day 3

1022: It's drinks out there and tea for me. The tea served in the Press Box reflects the prosperity of Gujarat -- thick, full cream milk and 'kuncham kuncham' elaichi as well.

1112: Chetanya Nanda resembles Kunal Kapur of 'Rang De Basanti' fame, isn't it? Fellow long-hair Ishant Sharma keeps reminding me of Mowgli. And they say Dhoni can play Tarzan.

1146: MS Dhoni probably realises if there is any threat to his Test captaincy dreams, it's Sehwag. So a slogsweep, fierce drive and a reversesweep off the Delhi captain. Half of Dhoni's shots could be traced to woodcutter's manual. On one occasion, he apparently attempted to cut the ball into half and Mithun Manhas' palm must be sore now after stopping it.

1302: Did I keep quiet for long? Blame it on the sumptuous lunch. Anyway, Dhoni seems hell bent to prove he would have made an equally effective left-hander. Just reverse swept his way to his 23rd fifty. No prize for guessing the bowler, Sehwag. This was the fourth occasion he reverse swept aside Sehwag!

1320: Well, blacksheeps are not that difficult to find and apparently we have shot ourselves in the foot. One of the TV reporters yesterday went to Rest of Inda team hotel and because he was not obstructed by anyone there, he filed a story on how it's unsafe for the players (I presume he wished to be obstructed). His channel added enough spice to the half-baked stuff and projected how a human bomb could easily make his way to the hotel. Stung police authorities have now reacted by barring everyone - except staff and boarders - from entering the hotel. Those of us who had lined up interviews are now left twiddling thumbs!

1325: BCCI continues raising the bar when it comes to logic-defying. Chief selector Dilip Vengsarkar and his colleagues Venkatapathy Raju and Ranjib Biswal were here for the tie. What for? After all, they are not going to pick the squad for the series against Australia, it would be the first assignment of the next batch. In other words, the selectors who were here won't pick the side and those who would pick the side are yet to be officially unveiled. So what was the logic behind the extire exercise? I would love to believe it was BCCI's parting shot to the outgoing selectors.

1330: Mowgli bowling to Tarzan and hits him on the pad. No appeal. Ishant is mature beyond his age and knows can't afford to antagonise Dhoni. Of course it hit Dhoni little high but Ishant had broken into Tarzan screams against other batsmen in similar situations. Smart boy.

Entering the Dragon: Doosra takes Olympic break

Decks were cleared some six months back and here I’m off to my date with the Dragon. It’s official, for the next 20-0dd days cricket would take the proverbial backseat in my scheme of things.

Beijing beckons.

So, I would not rave about Mendis’ bag of tricks, marvel at Sehwag’s apparent brainlessness, rue Dravid’s comatose batting, ridicule county cricket or lampoon Lalit Modi.

Instead, my focus would be on how much punch Akhil Kumar can pack in the ring, if Rajyavardhan Singh Rathore’s gun goes off for glory again and if Leander Paes and Mahesh Bhupathi can create that old magic to finish on the podium.

And I would love to see Sania Mirza proving she is more than just the Czarina of Foofaraw. And hope Anju Bobby George will rise to the occasion, both literally and in the true sense of the term.

A medal might be daydreaming but I would want the women’s 4x400m relay team to give others a good run for their money and medal and plead to Monika Devi, lone Indian weightlifter, that we surely don’t want another doping stigma.

Thanks to a watchmaker, I’m also set to meet the James Bond girls, Cindy Crawford, Alexander Popov and Ian ‘Thorpedo’ – that missing link between man and fish. I guess it makes a heady concoction and retaining sanity would probably my biggest challenge.

So, friends, Romans and countrymen, please bear with me and come back again. I’m not sure if I can post – about Olympics if not cricket – before August 26 but don’t desert me. See you all.