15 Predictions

1. Stephen Hawking will clamber out of that wheelchair and sheepishly apologise for playing the longest practical joke on us;

2. Osama bin Laden will be found alive somewhere along the Sudan-Uganda border, clean shaven and married happily to a Bantu widow with 12 sons from her previous three marriages;

3. Fashion will go out of fashion;

4. Once done with her adoption spree, Angelina Jolie will stage hunger strike in front of the UN headquarters demanding separate nationhood for her kids;

5. Leonardo DiCaprio will name her son Oscar, realising it’s the only way he can have one;

6. Football will be banned after the supporters of Lionel Messi and Cristiano Ronaldo fight World War III over who is the better player;

7. With nothing left to win in women’s tennis, Serena Williams will play men’s event but would go down to Novak Djokovic in five sets in Wimbledon final;

8. Doctors will reveal Bappi Lahiri’s sunglasses have developed veins and is now only surgically removable;

9. Next UN secretary-general would be a stand-up comedian;

10. Leander Paes will win the 2040 Wimbledon mixed doubles final partnering one of Roger Federer’s twin daughters;

11. One of the south Asian nations will declare Angry Bird as their national bird;

12. Pluto will be reinstated as a planet under ST/SC/OBC/minority/sports quota;

13. India TV will broadcast an exclusive one-on-one with Ajmal Kasab via planchette in which he would deny being served Biryani in Indian jail. Kasab will call it "media propaganda" and vow to break the necks of all misleading journalists, prompting the interviewer to flee studio and the channel to abruptly replace the show with a programme about a ghost which is lactose intolerant;

14. Indian channels will break the exclusive news of Aradhya Bachchan signing her first film against Rajnikant;

15. Kangana Ranaut would reveal she is a cyborg;

7 cricketers on Osama bin Laden’s death

1. Sachin Tendulkar: I have a strong stance on this issue. I strongly feel Osama’s death is either good or bad for us. It just can’t be anything else even though we should not rule out other possibilities. If you ask me, I think it’s essentially a relative subject and so Osama’s relatives can better answer it. Osama was apparently staying in a stone hut in Tora Bora. When people throw stone at you, you turn them into milestone. Instead, Osama turned it into a stone hut and I think that tells everything;

2. Rahul Dravid: Who died isn’t important here. One should not think about individuals, team always comes first. What’s important here is a death has taken place which means the global population has just shrunk and the air available for human consumption will be relatively higher. Besides, I think it would allow batsmen to concentrate better. I remember I was batting against Sachin’s son in Mumbai when the Americans were bombing Afghanistan and it greatly affected my concentration. The only time I had a similar problem was in Sydney when a whale rather loudly exhaled in the adjacent Tasman Sea just when I was taking guard;

3. Shahid Afridi: I’m happy like nobody’s business. When I speaked that Indians not having big hearts and we having, people moleculed me…or is it ridiculed? Whoever…Now see which country gave Laden shelter? I feel…I feel… vindictive…the media will now eat dumbbell pie;

4. Anil Kumble: I see beyond Osama’s death and what stirs me is the inequality of the contest. The US Military and the Al Qaeda were fighting and I’m sorry to say only one team was fighting in the true spirit. Our Bangalore Royal Challengers owner Vijay Mallya has naturally taken interest and promised to reduce the spirit deficit;

5. Sourav Ganguly: I’m really aghast. I think Obama is selling us dummy. I’ve been tipping them that bin Laden was masquerading as Greg Chappell but they did not listen. I’m not convinced that bin Laden is dead;

6. Shoaib Akhtar: Dude, America is not like Pakistan. America is in America and unlike Pakistan, there people don’t celebrate when their presidents die. USA losing president like Osama is like Pakistan losing me;

7. Shane Warne: Heard the guy was living with his youngest wife. Got her number mate?