Exclusive: Sourav Ganguly interview

Doosra interviewed Sourav Ganguly at Eden Gardens soon after he became the CAB president.

As his wont, dada was two hours late for the interview but he sort of made up with his frank views on Bengal and Indian cricket.

He chewed his nails throughout the interview until he was sufficiently manicured.

The tangled mass of assorted chains and lockets also made an appearance as he undid the first two buttons of his shirt which he, despite occasional provocations, did not take off or swirl.

We produce the interview verbatim below:

Doosra: Ah, here you are. We thought you won’t turn up at all.
Sourav Ganguly: Sorry, I’m late but don’t you think you should have got used to it by now? Bhagwan ke ghar der hain andher nahi. And you forgot they called me God of the off-side?

Doosra: Well, you have a point there, and a gully as well. Anyway, how does it feel to be the boss of Bengal cricket?
SG: Long ago, I asked “aapne dada ko bhule to nahin?” They proved they have not. I thank them for making me CAB boss though, honestly, I expected to lead ICC if not the UN. Anyway, CAB is a good launchpad I guess.

Doosra: So what are your plans for Bengal cricket?
SG: I promise a swift turnaround in Bengal cricket. They won’t have to wait for it like Steve Waugh had to wait for me at toss (bursts into laughter).

Doosra: Many expect you to identify youngsters who would form the nucleus of the future Bengal team, just as you did as Team India captain.
SG: I’m glad you asked this question. Well, I have decided Sehwag, Yuvraj, Kaif, Bhajji and Zaheer will form the core of the future Bengal team.

Doosra: What! But they are nearly done with competitive cricket and they play for other states!
SG: Sorry, I meant Sehwag junior, Yuvraj junior, Bhajji junior...See, it’s an ambitious, unprecedented project. Sehwag is so pissed off with Delhi that he won’t mind even if his son plays for Andaman Nicobar in Ranji Trophy. We have convinced Bhajji to get married soon and talks are on with Yuvraj as well to graduate from pie-chucker to bachelorhood-chucker. These are the baby steps for revival of Bengal cricket, if you know what I mean (winks).

Doosra: Quite radical, one must say.
SG: Yes, and if the plan materialises, it would rob other states of their own talents and enrich Bengal. So you can say I’m killing two Dickie Birds with one Sharon Stone -- I picked it from Sidhu, by the way.

Doosra: Hope you realise that cricket administration is not going to be a bed of roses. There will be people resisting every step. How do you plan to tackle them?
SG: Chappal se nahi, Chappell se maarunga. I will treat them like I used to treat left-arm spinners. You don’t worry about that.

Doosra: And what about Shah Rukh Khan?
SG: What about him?

Doosra: I mean he treated you badly at KKR, stripping you of captaincy then kicking you out of the team. Are we going to see him being banned at Eden Gardens just like he was at Wankhede?
SG: Don’t be silly. We are grown up men. I have put the entire KKR episode behind me. However, other members decided Shah Rukh will have to walk on his hands every time he wants to enter Eden Gardens, balancing an egg on a spoon in his mouth and two lighted candles on his soles. Well, I can’t always ignore majority view, you see. (winks)

Doosra: What are the reforms you have in mind for Bengal cricket?
SG: To improve our running between-the-wicket, we plan to abolish it altogether. We want our future generation batsmen to score only with 4s and 6s. We commissioned a study that suggests taking singles and twos significantly impedes a batsman’s ability to hit 4s and 6s in the same over, apart from greatly enhancing run-out risks. I agree, it’s not worth the risk.

Doosra: There is a rumour that your wife would be roped in as the team’s batting consultant. That’s not true for sure?
SG: What’s wrong with that? Dona will help our batsmen get their footwork right. Against the spinners, they need to come dancing down the track and who better than a professional dancer to teach them how to do it? Also she gets bored at home knitting sweater for me and the kids.

Doosra: And why did CAB choose Salman Khan, of all people, as the brand ambassador?
SG: I suspect you’re not aware of it but taking off shirt is universally recognized as a cathartic exercise, and my experience is no different. Modern cricket is much more stressful and the players need an outlet for their pent-up angst. Look at Salman, he has got into all sorts of troubles and still remains sane because he frequently goes topless. Besides, we wanted to tap into his hit-and-run experience. (winks)

Doosra: What is your immediate target as CAB chief?
SG: To get Ashok Dinda back down to earth. Poor lad, has leapt so high since his last delivery that got awkwardly stuck in one of the trees in maidan. Fire Brigade guys have reached there with ladder etc. Maybe we need to fill his boots with stones to keep him grounded or tether him to the stumps.

Doosra: And what’s your long-term target as the boss of Bengal cricket?
SG: To lead Bengal to a position where BCCI and eventually ICC will beg for CAB membership.

7 World Cup inferences!

I know people who dismiss the Indian cricketers as obscenely overpaid nitwits who should not be allowed to open their mouth except when eating.

But if you can read between the lines they utter, you would be amazed at their unsuspected depth. The word I’m groping for has a cat in it...implications…if you know what I mean.

Sample the seven inferences anyone will draw after listening to them:

1. Yusuf Pathan is Atlas reborn: As Virat Kohli so articulately put, Tendulkar has “carried the burden of the nation” for 21 years and Yusuf Pathan carried Tendulkar in Mumbai. It amounts to, if your arithmetic is alive and kicking, carrying the burden of a nation + 65 kg.

2. Yuvraj Singh has corrected himself: "I think we kissed the World Cup trophy a thousand times".

3. Yuvraj had a bright future as a claymodeller before he took to cricket: "Earlier, whatever I was touching was turning into mud."

4. Praveen Kumar thinks Dhoni is fast losing popularity : "Dhoni is Obama of cricket"

5. Dhoni believes if human mind develops pimple, it should be named after Sreesanth:"If you want to irritate someone that should be the opposition and not your side."

6. Yuvraj thinks there is not much difference between Gambhir and love – both are blind: "I told Gautam: I am not Virender Sehwag, I can't run like that."

7. Dhoni helps a great deal to keep Yuvraj cool: "I am a great fan of Yuvraj."

P.S. A couple of you wanted to know my World Cup experience. I’m afraid the details would only bore most. If you insist, well some of my experiences include being abused by Yuvraj's father over phone for about 10 minutes, holding Geoffrey Boycott's hat in a flight while he jostled with Arun Jaitley's secretary to stow luggage, spilling coffee on Nasser Hussain's shoe in Chennai, listening to Derek Pringle swearing profusely in Hindi in Ahmedabad, nearly tripping Sanjay Manjrekar in Mohali...warned you, it would only bore you.

7 punishments for Dhoni & Co for NZ flop show

BCCI sees only the Sunny side but never the funny side of it. So what if New Zealand plastered India by 200 runs?

That doesn't mean you cancel the home trip you had promised the players who have spent enough time in Lanka to be eligible for a citizenship there.

It was not just a low trick on the players but quite unimaginative too. Doosra suggests 7 alternative ways BCCI could have punished the players:

1. Make the whole team row its way back from Sri Lanka;

2. A favourite theme with Doosra. Ask them to write the full name of Welegedara on the grain of rice. To be fair, give them a choice between Uda Walawwe Mahim Bandaralage Chanaka Asanka Welegedara and Warnakulasuriya Patabendige Ushantha Joseph Chaminda Vaas.

3. Ask Yuvraj to share room with Suresh Raina before a Test series and come out in the morning without any culpable homicide charges against his name; alternatively ask him to report after three weeks without a bar brawl; or spend 15 minutes on the field without inviting frenzied chants from the spectators;

4. Thrust a shaving razor in Praveen Kumar’s hand and ask him to turn up clean-shaven for a match;

5. Make Ashish Nehra play a full Test with no ambulance facility within 10km of the stadium;

6. Let MS Dhoni bat with Nehra as his runner;

7. Ask Ishant Sharma to bowl with Nehra fielding at point.

Exclusive! Yuvraj’s secret meeting with Srikkanth!

Hear it here first!

Doosra serves hot another fly-on-the-wall account, this time of Yuvraj Singh’s secret meeting with chief selector Krish Srikkanth after which the player was dropped.

Excerpts:

KS: MyDearYuviI’mHabsolutelyDelightedToSeeYouBut IDon’tHaveMuchTimeAndSoIWouldKeepItShortSoThatItTakesLessTimeSinceIHaveAFlightToCatchAndI’mScaredOfFlightsBecauseTheyAreCrashingAllTheTimeSoMyQuestionIsWhatDoYouHaveToSayAboutYourFitness?

YS: Err…can you repeat that?

KS:!@#$%^&*!...WhatHappenedToYourFitnessYouHabsolutelySillyFatheadedBrat?

YS: I’m alright sir, fit as a fiddle.

KS:Don’tYouFiddleWithMyPatienceYouDimwitAndTryToBeFunnyBecauseYouKnowVeryWellWhatICanDoToYourCareer…SoWithoutWastingTimeTellMeWhyYouHaveSuddenlyBecomeAnHabsolutelyInflatedBalloon?

YS: Oh, that? I thought…anyway, you hurt my sentiments sir. Fact is every time I slip into team jersey, my chest swells in pride sir. I believe every player should feel so when they don national jersey. What you mistake for flab is actually patriotism sir.

KS:PatriotismMyFootYouHabsolutelyRottenPimpleOnTheCheekOfIndianCricket…JerseyMakersSaidTheyUsedToMakeSmallSizeJerseyForYouAndNowYouWantXXAndEvenThatSeemsBurstingAtTheSeamDoYouHaveAnyExplanation?

YS: Pimple, sir…I mean simple sir. We all want growth in life. Who wants stagnation? Sidhu Sir once told me that life without growth is like a stagnant pool, breeding proverbial mosquitoes spreading spiritual diseases in an ephemeral world inhabited by immoral half-wits….

KS:!@#$%.^*&…YouACricketerOrMunicipalityDrainInspector…PoolMosquitoDiseasesWhatRubbish…ListenYouSillyBlighterTheFactIsYouHaveGrownSoFatThatYouCan’tEvenBendToCollectABall.

YS: That’s intentional sir. I refuse to stoop to that level. Any self-respecting man should at least make an honest attempt at spending his life head held high.

KS:!@#$%^&*…YouAreHabsolutelySoUnfitThatYouNoLongerFieldInThePointPositionAndCaptainsBanishYouSomewhereInTheDeep.

YS: I don’t understand the fuss sir. No point fielding in point any more. I did all that, throwing myself around. But there comes a time when you have to move on in life, and I’ve moved on too, from point to elsewhere. You probably failed to notice it Sir, I’ve grown into a deep-thinking, deep-fielding man. Fielding in the deep gives me a larger picture of things sir.

KS:IReallyFeelThatYouHaveBecomeLargerYourselfInFactHabsolutelyTooLargeForYourOwnGoodAndCuttingYouDownToSizeCanBeDoneOnlyByDroppingYouFromTheSquadWhichWillTeachYouALessonYouSillyScatterbrainedMoron.

YS: I would not hold it against you sir. You know what Siddhu Sir once said about getting dropped….?

KS:GoAndJoinSidhuAndBoilYourSillyHeadsTogether…You!@#$%^&*.

5 reasons why Yuvraj sported that ghastly French Cut in T20 WC

1. He grew it as his first layer of defence against chin music;

2. Family astrologer predicted facial growth would herald an upturn in form;
 
3. To hide the cut marks he sustained during a routine pub brawl;
 
3. Had this gut feeling that India will flop in T20 WC and reckoned beard would come handy to avoid being recognized;
 
5. Square cuts and upper cuts are things of the past. French Cut is all he is left with.

7 reasons to denounce T20 WC

1. Any WC with India not in final is racist;

2. Any WC with Pakistan not in final is a BCCI design;

3. Any WC with Australia in final is bigotry;

4. Any WC with England in final is a nihilist anachronism. To be honest, it’s not cricket WC at all. At best, it’s a soccer WC and that too some four-decade old;

5. Any WC with an Australia-England final is actually an Ashes prelude;

6. Any WC where Lalit Modi doesn’t dole out the gongs is rebel;

7. Any WC where Yuvraj has to broker peace in a pub brawl is absurdist.

Mango after Tendulkar, Coriander after Yuvi?

Who says Tendulkars don’t grow on trees?

Thanks to a Lucknow farmer, Tendulkars will not only grow on trees but can also be sliced, juiced and even pickled without inviting homicide charges!

Spending long hours under a scorching Sun can do strange things to farmers and Doosra here puts together a list of 7 cricketers who run the immediate risk of rendering their names to certain floras à la Tendulkar.

You know all is not well with Yuvraj when...

1. His midriff attracts more attention than that of a cheerleader;

2. His average in IPL is…well not even average, rather below-average;

3. He spends an incredible 23 days, 22 hours and 36 seconds without a bar brawl reported in media;

4. Police personnel make claims which basically mean knotted bed-sheets have been found hanging from the balcony of his hotel room;

5. He virtually usurps coach Tom Moody’s surname;

6. Sangakkara/Jayawardene sees no point in positioning him at point and exiles him to a third man;

7. Fans ponder calling him Sulk Hogan.

Pix: AP

Doosra live from Kotla

Welcome to WNWSACWR. What Neo Won't Show And Cricinfo Won't Report, for the uninitiated.

2210: Dhoni and Henriques try to run through each other and come crashing down. Both believe the other guy goofed up the mantra.

2150: Had they been in the press box, a handful of Australian cricketers would either have contemplated homicide or quit the game altogether hearing the way their names were being molested by the official scorer. See if you know Dog Bolllinger, Adam Bhaujee, Peter Seed Le, and Nathan Harish.

2130: Yuvraj hits Henriques for an effortless six. It looked a fullish delivery but replays showed it was a foolish delivery.

2115: Dhoni changes gloves and Doug Bollinger uses the time to rub the ball furiously against his thigh. Doosra has raised it in the past also that ICC should do something for dermatosis among players.

1930: Sorry for the prolonged delay. Had other fishes to fry. BTW, the Tata Stand, from where Johnson is trying to decapitate Dhoni, has Hema Malini selling purified water on one side and Tendulkar peddling cement on the other. It gets too boring, so here goes a PJ, the copyright of which belongs strictly to Doosra. Q. Which place in India is named after Hema Malini's brother? Ans. Dharamshala. (More PJs if Dhoni and Yuvraj don't end the boredom.)

1645: Ponting just raised the bar in self-abuse after his dismissal and you don't need lip-readers to tell you that he capped the line with the most popular four words in the history of human civilisation. In fact he was so loud that the thunder could be heard in Tasmania, if they strain their ears a little.

1555: Gambhir literally has a pain in the neck, just copped a Ponting pull. Shame on you Punter. Be a man, play fair and square.

1545: Babes with bottles enter the field with Foster's refreshment. Foster daughters indeed, one would assume. You don't send out your own daughter in such sartorial scantiness.

1445: Surprise! Surprise! Ponting opens with Watson. But then for someone who has uncorked zillion bubblies in his pomp, opening comes spontaneously.

1428: Both teams observe a minute's silence in David Shepherd's memory. You kind of agree, this is how Harbahjan looks best, lips sealed.

1425: Who says Ind-Pak cricket ties have been knotted, I mean snapped? Before the Men in Blue and Canary Yellow walk out, the ground has been invaded by the Men in Green. Alas, they turn out to be mere groundsmen. The same bunch of souls who top Ponting's hit/hate-list for watering the practice pitch yesterday.

Mohali Test...Day 5

1052: What do you do when fog delaying start of play becomes a ritual? Tendulkar works on a doosra (No big deal, I too work on a Doosra anyway), Laxman realises he can send down decent medium pace stuff, Botham fools around, Harmison comes off a self-imposed exile to make a rare pubilc appearance and Anderson proves his dexterity and tries left-arm spin.

1157: The imposter out there in Gambhir's garb is trying to inherit the slur from Mudassar Nazar. Mudassar took 557 minutes to score his century against England. Luckily, however, Gambhir won't have as much time at his disposal.

1307: Lunch down their throat, Yuvraj and Gambhir walk out to bat again! Dhoni in no mood to declare. Flintoff can't believe it and asks the batsmen if they are serious. So Mudassar need not lose all hopes.

1522: I'm straining my eyes to see if Dravid is marshalling the field at the fag end of the match. Didn't Dhoni have that sort of farewell for Ganguly? Remember, Dravid too scored a Bradmanesque duck here. To my disappointment, I see Amit Mishra setting field. Nay, Kumble has just left, way too premature for Mishra.

1953: A convert KP sung 'pie-chucker' Yuvraj's praise in the press conference. "One of the cleanest strikers of the ball, his sixes leave me dumbfounded," he gushed. But then pie-chucker? "Come on, little bit of fun and banter doesn't do any harm," he said. Dhoni said he would love to have some more pie-chuckers. MSD also thanked the Poms for returning for the series to prove India is safe post-Mumbai mayhem.

Mohali Test...Day 4

0912: Only a superman with his x-ray vision can sight the pitch in such thick fog. Even the track has slipped under a blanket. Wish I could afford such luxury. The frisking just outside the stadium borders on groping and the thought of going through that for five straight days is pretty unnerving. Supersopper mopping the outfield dew, some shadowy figures playing football, could be the Indians. KP and his men could not be traced.

1030: The fickle fog keeps coming back. Harper-Rauf duo inspects the pitch for umpteenth time before retreating, perhaps to tell Dhoni and match can start if he opens with Bhajji-Amit. Kirsten is out with a tennis racket, which changes hand and Munaf Patel shows why Federer should consider himself lucky that Munaf stuck to cricket. Meanwhile, logistic manager Russel Radhakrishnan loses quite a bit of his flab trying to collect Munaf's returns.

1114: James Anderson just got a tattoo done by Dhoni. A terrible judge of a single, Anderson was scampering to return base when Dhoni's full-blooded throw grounded him.

1340: When most relished their lunch, I attended a rather desolate press conference where ICC CEO Haroon Lorgat said -- i) ICC would conduct separate recce before allowing match officials to tour Pakistan for the series against Lanka; ii). Oz-NZ have been put on standby but no reason why sub-continent can't host 2011 World Cup; iii) ICC January meeting would decide fate of 2009 Champions Trophy. And Lorgat was grinning ear-to-ear, explaining how SA's win over OZ at Perth opened up a three-horse race for No. 1 spot.

1348: Strauss, Sehwag, Collingwood, Yuvi...Chennai sizzler proved Mohali fizzlers. Can Tendulkar buck the trend?

1354:...the answer seemed NO. But hold on! there was a big inside edge and Asad Rauf got it right. "You know my father is a Match Referee?" Broad asks Rauf after hie LBW appeal is turned down.

1414: So, Tendulkar too falls to the Curse of Chennai. Can't call him a cricketer with conscience. Broad troubled him all along but he gave Anderson his wicket.

1834: One of the best press conferences involving Yuvi. "Pie-chucker is coming, I'm loving the name," he announced as he walked into the room. Inevitably the first question was about his new sobriquet and Yuvi was on song. "I knew this is going to be the first question.

I got up in the morning and read the paper and thought what does that mean? It means useless bowler. It means KP is getting out to me and useless bowler getting a batsman out five times means useless batting, I must say.

Clearly enjoying every moment of it, Yuvi now attacks KP the bowler...

I have got a better action that KP, his action is useless. But if he works hard he can be a good bowler…I can give him some tips and teach how to bowl in the rough.

And still no love is lost between the two. Sample this...

At the end of the day, everything is on the ground. Me and KP are good friends off the field, but on the field never dare to make friends.

He is a phenomenal player and batted like a champions. He has 15 hundreds in 45 Tests. Actually he tried to get under my skin and brought out the best in me and I tried to get under his skin and brought out the best in him. It's okay, but I don't like to wash dirty linen in public.

Amen.

Mohali Test...Day 3

0900: Fog delays start. Umpire Daryl Harper says he'll inspect the pitch as soon as he sights it! Pietersen, meanwhile, tries to play cricket with a football. To be honest, you can't sight a smaller ball in such fog. Dhoni & Co, meanwhile, get into the Great Indian Huddle where Kirsten checks if Munaf Patel has brushed his teeth.

1010: Has David 'Bumble' Lloyd converted to Islam? He seemed offering namaaz on the pitch. The Groucho Marx of world cricket clarifies he wanted to see if the pitch was dry enough not to soil his troussers!

1527: Sorry for the delay. ICC boss David Morgan held a p.c. and said i) no sanction on BCCI for shunning Pakistan; ii) T20's popularity is good for the game; iii) Cricket (T20) in Olympic not possible before 2020; and iv) India, England oppose Test championship.

2041: Kudos to KP, the tragic hero. Rauf's LBW decision had him rooted and later in the press conference, KP demanded benefit of doubt. On MSD bowling the 3rd over with Yuvi, KP said he was amused to see a 'pie-chucker' replacing Zak "one of the best bowlers I have faced ever." His switch-hit provoked Kirsten to seek change in laws to aid the hapless bowlers. KP says it's not a risky shot but a scoring shot.

7 cricketers who deserve Doctorate, à la Dr Sania Mirza

As UN names an Intergovernmental Panel to figure out what really provoked the MGR Educational and Research Institute University, Chennai to accord Doctorate on Sania Mirza, Doosra lists seven Indian contemporary cricketers who thoroughly deserve the prefix.
1. Dr Sachin Tendulkar: For his contribution to medical science. Tennis elbow came into being only after Tendulkar was diagnosed with it. Currently, he is playing the game with his second shoulder, third elbow, fourth knee cap and…Also for staying on course to sharing the dressing room with son Arjun.

2. Dr Yuvraj Singh: For his generous contribution to astronomy. NASA scientists just revealed that the six-star constellation over the southern tip of the African continent is actually the six sixes Yuvraj hit off a Stuart Broad over in the Twenty20 World Cup. Scientists blame Yuvi’s fury to the hapless bowler’s father who insists another Doctorate cricketer from Punjab's fertile land, Dr Harbhajan Singh, is a javelin thrower.

3. Dr Harbhajan Singh: For his expertise in Escapology. Throughout his career. Dr Singh displayed an amazing ability to dig a hole for himself and eventually clambering out of it, often creating a crisis that threatened to split the cricket globe.

4. Dr Gautam Gambhir: In recognition of his die-hard optimism that he can do any bodily harm to someone like Shane Watson.

5. Dr MS Dhoni: For covering the entire gamut of coifing and unfailingly coming up with thematic, series-specific hairdos.

6. Dr Virat Kohli: A product of the MSD School of Thought, people need to recognize his state of the head. Come hell or high water, or even a catch in his direction, Dr Kohli always ensured his spiked tuft is intact before making a dash. Upset with the existing helmets, he apparently has sought one with a slit in the middle.

7. Dr Munaf Patel: For his deep understanding of the South African culture and ability to laugh at the popular siSwati, Xitsonga, isiNdebele, isiXhosa and isiZulu jokes cracked by Gary Kirsten and Paddy Upton.

7 reasons why Dhoni has applied for a gun

1. Dhoni realises World Cup is a bagatelle, a mere trinket in comparison to Olympic medal. And by the time cricket returns to Olympics, Dhoni won’t be wielding willow but walking stick. Bindra (not IS, but Abhinav) has shown the way in Beijing and MSD wants to follow in his footsteps.

2. MSD knows how fickle lady love can be. A gun would pre-empt love triangle, quadrangle and similar headaches of different geometric proportions.

3. Let’s admit it, can't really trust Yuvi. Losing captaincy still hurts Yuv'nor and you never know when dormant ambition finds a violent manifestation.

4. To silent Krish Srikkanth. Selection meeting sucks and eardrum hurts. No more allowing Srikkanth to holler into his eardrum. Putting the gun on his mouth should do the trick. (It, however, doesn’t sound foolproof. Knowing Cheeka, he might chew and spit out the gun and then wax eloquent how ‘Habsolutely Tasty’ it was.)

5. To shoot the ‘leaking’ selector: Yashpal Sharma or Raja Venkat?

6. To shoot the messenger i.e. the reporter who got the ‘leak’.

7. To make Munaf Patel bat in the nets.

Return of the prodigal son

Srikkanth to Pujara:

Son, thou art ever with me, and all that I have is thine. It was meet that we should make merry, and be glad: for this thy brother was dead, and is alive again; and was lost, and is found. (Luke 15:32).

That 6,6,6,6,6,6 over in Kingsmead was surely more glorious than feeding pigs. Nor can one equate leading Kings XI Punjab to the swineherd’s job. Still, Yuvraj’s comeback story is very much cricket’s own Parable of the Return of the Prodigal Son.

Pray, he’s here to stay. Amen.

Five winters back, it took an abscess in Sourav Ganguly’s thigh to facilitate his Test debut. Now Ganguly’s exit should cement his place. Else, Yuvraj can go back and look after the pigs again.

IPL, I meant.

Eight years in the business and still a persona non grata when Test caps are doled out. We still don’t know what to do with him. Yuvraj is a busy man off the field but if he ever cares for the truth, he would notice that the accusing fingers are pointing back at himself.

But this was surely not to be the case. It looked almost a matter of destiny before the precocious prince became the lord of all he surveys. Accordingly, chrism was concocted and hymns were hummed. But the Prince who could be the King tossed aside everything and preferred to remain the perpetual pretender to the throne.

What went wrong?

A flawed technique is only the part answer. Even a technically-retarded Sadagopan Ramesh played 19 Tests from 1999-2001!

The demon lurks in the mind. The guy upstair stuffed so much talent inside that discipline had to be left out. It’s not an issue of ability but application. And the bedazzling success in the shorter formats probably blurred the road ahead.

The brevity of ODI/T20, where end justifies means, glosses over the chinks. Test cricket exposes them. It’s a subtler and crueler proposition which separates the wheat from the chaff and disrobes imposters of all their borrowed plumes.

Stuck somewhere between his potential and achievement, Yuvraj must consider himself lucky to have got another chance to banish the imposter and prove he belongs. If motivation runs dry, qualms should keep him on course. Sitting glumly on top of his run mountain, Cheteshwar Pujara has a genuine grudge after all. Much like the old brother from the Gospel of Luke.

Yuvraj badly needs to clear this Test. Else he can go back and feed the pigs again.

7 ways to avoid a 7-0 whitewash!

1. Mortgage the WAG brigade to Allen Stanford;
2. Pray that during one of those Great Indian Huddles, earth splits and gobbles up the gang;
3. Hope ISRO packs off Yuvraj in Chandrayaan II, its first manned mission in moon;
4. Deals delight Lalit Modi. So hatch a deal with BCCI’s Mint in Suit and make India do mirror-batting in the next three matches;
5. Pull out of the tour, in an IMMEDIATE protest to the Indian government’s 1989 decision to confer the Nehru award on Robert Mugabe;
6. Fly home by the first flight available and call up BCCI to let them know that the travel agent bungled everything and packed them in the wrong plane;

...and if all these sound far-fetched...

7. Win at least one match, you morons.

Mind the thorns Mahi!

He could grow a flower on stone, make a stuffed cuckoo sing and evoke rain at Thar. The sea would split to pave his way, the wind would change course to propel his sail and the world would conspire to fulfil his wishes.

First time since his coronation, a thorn in his bed of roses pricked him and Dhoni still can't believe it!

Welcome Mahi, to a world of leak and lies, suspicion and subterfuge, clique and cartels, malice and malevolence.

Dhoni didn't like it but this was surely not the first occasion when confidential selection debate made its way to the pages of a daily. Unfortunately, this won't be the last either. For his own benefit, Dhoni should learn his lesson from the stumble to avoid an almighty fall.

BCCI head honchos, teammates, selectors, media, fans -- it requires a tremendous balancing act. Man management has to be spot on. Board mandarins with kingsize vanity and non-existent love for the game have to be kept in good humour. Selectors would go into a huddle with an agenda on mind and an axe to grind but Dhoni has to grin and bear it.

And then you have Team India, an assortment of fragile egos of different size, from the miniscule to the monstrous.

Dhoni clearly revels in company of fellow back street boys. But such prejudice has to wed pragmatism to avoid a strife. Presence of former captains bogs him down but Mahi would do well remember that Tendulkar is 'The Untouchable' and Dravid, though no more a Holy Cow, is better left alone.

Among the next generation teammates, Sehwag is a force of nature, not to be messed with and Yuvraj, a weapon of both mass and self destruction, needs utmost care all the time. To ensure the bowling unit keeps firing, Dhoni will have to pamper Zaheer and protect Ishant. Harbhajan is a proven match-winner but he needs to be constantly reminded that. At the same time, the Amit Mishras should not feel unwanted.

There is something reassuring in Dhoni's brand of captaincy that promises the marriage would last. But as Mahi himself would admit, the honeymoon just got over.

Ind vs Oz...Day 4

1003: After Haddin and Hayden grassed and Ponting leaked, Australian are suddenly making atonements by throwing themselves around. Suddenly they realise it's the cricket board which takes care of their laundry bills!

1108: Drooping shoulder, increasing frustration. Ponting finally injects some life and brings in Mike Hussey to roll his arm over. Last time Hussey was seen bowling was when Hillary Clinton was running for the US Prez's post, Yuvraj Singh was dating Deepika Padukone and Ms Padukone was not dating Ranbir Kapoor.

1315: India leading by 510 runs and Dhoni still not declaring. Needs to give bowlers time to bowl out the Ozzies. I think he is overestimating his bowling unit and underestimating Ponting and party.

1324: In between his attemps to halve the ball into two, Dhoni the Woodcutter was experimenting with a different scoop shot. So far we have seen the scoop famously bungled by Misbah which takes the fine leg route. Here, Dhoni was trying to scoop whatever White hurled at him to the third man area! Indigenous indeed but success still Dhoni.

OZ vs BP XI...Day Four

1040: Yuvraj just completed his 100. I'm itching to pat him on the back and kick further six inches down as well. He's outrageously, almost obscenely talented and blasphemously endowed. The space was crammed with so much of flair that discipline had to be left out, I guess. Here he's posing security threats to low-flying aircrafts, launching Krejza and Clarke on orbits. Twice the ball got out of shape!

1208: I had Biryani at lunch, Yuvraj had Krejza. Poor chap Krejza, must be feeling exactly like what he felt when his drink was spiked two years back. Cricket Australia told team management to take good care of him, now I know why. After the trauma in the middle, he may need a trauma centre. I guess he would be of as much help to Oz as Mamata Banerjee has been to West Bengal.

1217: At mid on, Mitchell Johnson is twiddling thumb. No, actually he is tapping it. Suddenly it hit me, he looks like Jim Carrey's estranged brother, isn't it?

1227: Vigorous sweeping at both ends though there are no batters or bowlers in the middle. Actually it's innings break and two HCA ladies, in bright sea blue saree and brandishing brooms, are in action.

1231: Rolling is on as well. Alas, dieting had the desired effect on Adnan Sami. Else, he could be of any use to humanity.

1259: Hussey kept wicket after Haddin injured his finger. Last Ozzie to have a finger problem in India is sitting in the dressing room. This Durga Puja, artisans in Kolkata's Kumartuli need not model 'asuras' on Greg Chappell.

1314. Parthiv Patel has a chat with Hayden. Asking if Gujarati thali would tickle Aussie tastebuds and opening a restaurant at Kingaroy is a good idea. Whatever, it was a brief neck-aching experience for both I guess, considering their respective stature. Parthiv is down to earth but does that mean Hayden should look down upon him? Not done Haydos.

1434: Curse of the finger draws blood on the floor. Now Pragyan Ojha is bleeding. In his case, it's index finger. Wish Jeff Thomson was here. Man, he wanted to see blood on the pitch.

1439: For the umpteenth time, Virat Kohli into this hair-raising exercise. He looks a cocky cock, rufling tuft every now and then. Has a certain swagger but then he has hit a ton too.

Live Oz vs BP XI match...day one

(What Neo won't show and Cricinfo won't tell)

1214: Feel like talking more about the lunch than the match. As it happens every time, Aussies grabbed three quick wickets to take upper hand. Yuvraj y'day said he has a point to prove, something he has not done yet. I mean he hit through mid-off, third man and mid-on. One past/through point too, please.

1231: Exactly 17 minutes after I submitted my requisition, Yuvraj hits through point. Thank You Sir. Point noted.

1235: Mitchell Johnson took a catch and grabbed a wicket as well before lunch. You probably can have a better bowler but certainly not a better lover. 'Notch' left Queensland for Western Australia to be with his lady love Jesssica Bratich. Considering Jessica is a former karate champion, just hope it was not under duress.

1259: You don't get to see an uglier dismissal. Yuvraj was all prose so far till Johnson banged this one short. Yuvi plans a pull and then abandons the plan altogether at the last moment. The ball hits his retreating bat and lobs up for Hussey to take a dolly at gully. It was almost an obscene end to a sublime knock. Tsk..tsk..tsk.

1406: Some people derive pleasure in making fun of others. Rohit Sharma is currently thumbing nose at the lack of vision of Krish Srikkanth & Co.

1429: A man in Khaki with a sniffer dog is making round of the ground right after 'Pup' completed the last over before tea. Cricket has gone to the dogs, no doubt about that.

2043: Back in hotel. Rohit was little sad in the press conference. The ton came a day late probably. Srikkanth was here, as was Hirwani and they patted Rohit, saying keep it up. Srikkanth being Srikkanth (that man speaks before he thinks, MAK Pataudi once said), he was itching to speak to the media but Hirwani played spoilsport and dragged him away. They are not supposed to talk about VRS plans for senior players. Hirwani's eargerness to toe BCCI line is understandable. BCCI resurrected him from obliviion and is paying to boot!