Tuesday 27 December 2016

Doosra Annual Awards 2016 (UNESCO certified)

1. Human Lacrymal Gland of the Year ~ Aamir Khan. For crying here, here and here. He receives the teardrop-shaped Nirupa Roy Memorial trophy. He'd cry khushi-ke-ansu now.

2. Lord of the Larynx ~ Arnab Goswami. For breaching permissible decibel levels at prime time;

3. Indian With The Cleanest Mind ~ RBI governor Urjit Patel. Post-demonetisation, he changes mind every night;

4. Mr National Eyesore of The Year ~ Ranveer Singh. Some of the outfits he wore would have got him behind the bars in several countries. He gets a jar full of Delhi air;

5. Ms National Eyesore Of the Year ~ Airtel 4G girl;

6. Political Trishanku Of The Year ~ Navjot Singh Sidhu. Paaji left BJP but yet to join Congress or AAP, at the time of going to Press.

7. 'Atithi Devour Bhava' Samman ~ To Ravichandran Ashwin. For feasting on visiting batsmen;

8. Mard Tongue-e Wala ~ Kapil Sharma: For his breathless, mindless and frequently meaningless male chauvinistic jokes;

9. Worst Namer of the Year ~ Saif Ali Khan & Kareena Kapoor. For naming their son 'Taimur', thus exposing the kid to a lifetime of ridicule and ensuring he won't be able to visit a Starbucks for the rest of his life;

10. Yami Gautam Banking Award ~ Axis Bank. For its role to help convert black into white;

11. Wailing Cupid of The Year ~ Arijit Singh. For singing sweet love songs after sweet love songs that left the country's love-struck with emotional diabetes. He gets what he needs most, a shaving set;

12. Frugal Indian Father of the year ~ G Janardhan Reddy. For managing his daughter's marriage with a shoestring budget of Rs 550 crores;

13. Boyfriend Of The Year ~ Virat Kohli. For his stout defending of Anushka Sharma with this SHAME tweet;

14. Pariah Of The Year ~ Cyrus Mistry. From leading Tata Sons to being ousted from the group. He gets an year's supply of Tata salt, to rub on his wound;

15. Enemy Of The Inbox ~ Kangana Ranaut. For sending one mail every six minutes to Hrithik Roshan during their bizarre affair. She will receive medal from the Nigerian Price who spams our mailboxes.

16. Worst Fashion Statement Of the Year ~ Priyanka Chopra. For wearing this t-shirt.

17. Footloose of the year ~ Azam Khan's buffaloes. For their tendencies to go missing;

18. Worst Network Of the Year ~ Whichever Bob Dylan uses;

19. Indian Athelete of the Year: TMC MLA Sudip Roy Barman, who seized the Speaker's mace and ran off in Tripura assembly;

20. Bollywood's Jack-Of-All-Trades of the Year ~ Farhan Akhtar, who seems clueless whether to be an actor, director or musician. He receives Irfan Pathan Failed Allrounder Trophy;

21. National Bank ~ Paytm.

22. Gravity-defier of the Year ~ Dipa Karmakar. She also proved you don't need to jump to conclusions always, you can Produnova to it as well;

23. The Indian Houdini Of the Year ~ Vijay Mallya, for his overnight escape to safety in London;

24. The Indian Christ of the Year ~ Bihar CM Nitish Kumar, for turning wine into water until Patna High Court lifted the liquor ban;

25. 'Invisible Friend of India' Medal ~ The anonymous NASA photographer, who floats in space capturing how India celebrates her festivals and shares it unfailingly;

26. National Appu Ghar ~ Big Boss;

27. Unfaithful Indian Of the Year ~ Sonam Gupta.

28. Guide of the Year ~ Bhagwant Mann, for his guided FacebookLive tour of Parliament;

29. Misquoted Person of the Year ~ Rumi, for the umpteenth time;

30. Disgraced Institution of the Year ~ UNESCO. After countless hoaxes about it declaring random things as the 'best'. Including this post.

Sunday 30 October 2016

Why 'Baby-on-Board' stickers make no sense

You can learn a lot about a person by just noticing the sticker on his car. In fact, I judge people by the sticker on the car they are depopulating the cities with.

Car stickers fascinate me. I read them like a suicide bomber reads detonation manual: as if his whole being depends on it. His whole not being, if you insist.

I don’t know what to make of a “Baby-on-Board” sticker. To begin with, it’s only half-truth. You probably mean “Baby Also On Board”. Or do you consider yourself an infant? In which case you should not be driving in the first place, endangering lives of the pedestrians - a job already outsourced to the Salman Khans of the world.

My main issue with the “Baby-on-Board” sticker is I’m not even sure of the tone.

Is it yet another vain, male chauvinistic show-off? “I maybe a regular wife-beater and a prominent history-sheeter but hey, at least I’m not impotent!” Well, don’t be so sure. Raise the issue with missus tonight and see if she avoids eye contact.

Or is it some hopeless seeking of that previously-prevalent-but-presently-out-of-supply human feeling called sympathy? Something like “Baby on board, please be nice to us”?

In that case, put a “Naïve-On-Board” sign instead and you’d be giving yourself a better chance of returning home unscathed. Like statutory warning on cigarette packs, these inscriptions are as effective as a glass of warm milk in the battle against terminal cancer. Well-meaning but inadequate, if you know what I mean.

If you think putting a “Baby-on-Board” sticker would draw less hostility from the merchants of death who have been let loose on the streets with full backing from the state, you are raising the bar for stupidity. I’ve seen a hearse being rammed into in a frantic attempt to kill the same person twice.

If you still have faith in humanity, it may not be too late yet to get your head examined.

If you ask me, a “Baby-on-Board” sticker makes you more vulnerable to collisions. How? Some drivers, in good intention, may actually decide to give the baby a taste of the world he is going to inherit: a world of road rages and traffic rule decimation. Can you really fault someone for thinking: "If the kid is going to live in a world like that, why not help him get used to it NOW and get a headstart?" BANG!

Or is it some sort of confession? “Baby on Board and Hence I’m Being An Ass In Two Minds Not Knowing Whether To Drive Fast Or Allow Overtaking.” Even in that case, your obduracy would only infuriate others with one of them eventually taking the onus on himself to knock you off the road.

Also doesn’t a sticker like that make you more vulnerable to the kidnappers? They might overtake and stop you on a dark stretch and make off with you kid leaving a note: “Thanks for the sticker. We had lost you in the sea of traffic until the sticker flashed. Wait for the ransom call. For your gesture, we’d offer a 5% discount. Even hijackers have some ethics. We are fighting against all kind of stereotypes associated with our profession. Hope this alters at least one view. Cheers.”

Sunday 18 September 2016

What Ails Olympics Opening Ceremony (2/2)

Qatar: Ladies and gentlemen, let me present next the Qatari team. They are so rich that the security guard they tipped outside the stadium has just made it to the Forbes' list. The same people who are planning a central AC for the entire country for the 2022 FIFA World Cup.

Russia: Russia follows next, though without the swagger that you associate with them and instead sucking some liquids. Don't get me wrong, they are clearly the cleanest bunch of athletes, having undergone so many tests. They have dehydrated themselves giving urine samples and sipping innocuous drinks to rehydrate themselves.
Sierra Leone: Here's a tiny contingent from Sierra Leone. And some of you thought Sierra Leone is Sunny Leone’s sister. The country grapples with Ebola when it's not caught in a bloody civil war. More than medals, they need medicines.

Syria: Special welcome to the Syrian contingent, comprising of people who successfully escaped the bloody civil war. They have already requested IOC to consider giving them ammunition instead of medal to help fight ISIS.

Somalia: Somalia has sent a tiny contingent. They won't be allowed to participate in water-sports though, lest they hijack boats and take rowers hostage.

Thailand: Here comes Thailand and no, they are not fighting but massaging each other.

Saudi Arabia: Saudi Arabia, ladies and gentlemen, one of the richest countries in the world. There have an unprecedented four women athletes in the contingent and they are very excited. After all the is the moment they all have been waiting -- to drive a car, something they aren't allowed back home, on the roads of Rio. They plan to buy a car and abandon them, money is not the issue you see. Also, to they plan to drive incognito, by revealing their faces, so no one can identify them.

United States: The superpower in every sense, here comes the United States. If meddling in others' affairs is made an Olympic sport, they will win gold hands down and celebrate it by bombing an oil-rich state. Apparently, everything that's wrong with this world has got something to do with this country. In addition to their strong events, US is likely to win all shooting medals, provided the competition takes place in a college campus. Apparently, White House is trying to bully Rio into shifting it to Federal University premises.

Saturday 10 September 2016

What Ails Olympics Opening Ceremony (1/2)

I did not stay up to watch the opening ceremony of the Rio Olympics. I always felt the Olympic opening ceremony is the most expensive way to teach country names to kids. Besides, the timing for Rio was more suitable for burglars and petty criminals, including but not confined to call centre slaves.

Also one loathes the way countries are introduced every year by unimaginative announcers. If you ask me, this is how certain countries should be introduced:

Greece: Dear ladies and gentlemen, we begin with the original host of the Games, who came up with the concept of Olympics and has since gone bankrupt. Remember kids, this is the country which gave birth to Pythagoras whose theorems ruined our teens.

Australia: A country rich with flora and fauna, including Koala, Kangaroo and Andrew Symonds; also a country where every advice begins with “mate...”

Bangladesh: Here we have country that makes most of our designed garments nearly for free. Check the Zara top you are wearing or the GAP jeans, if it doesn't say "Made in Bangladesh", chances are they are counterfeits. They are also the biggest suppliers of domestic helps and rickshawallas to India's National Capital region. Also, as some of you know, they are leading the drive for a blogger-free world.

Bhutan: Here comes the Bhutan contingent, a beaming smile on their faces. As you know, especially those who have seen "The Lunchbox", the tiny Himalayan country is the happiest nation in the world. Medal or no medal, they'd return home happy and beaming. It makes them the Games' most relaxed team, as opposed to China.

China: China's formidable contingent makes a grand entry. Take a good look at their stern and serious faces and you know it's a team under pressure. Some of them will win medals and thus be entitled to a daily bowl of state-sponsored noodles for the rest of their life. Some of them will fail, and will either vanish off the face of earth and be sent to work as a brick kiln worker for the rest of their lives.

Ethiopia: Running behind them is Ethiopia. If you wonder why they are looking more haggard than they normally do, it's because they started from Addis Ababa two months back. The athletes can't afford air tickets and are expected to pick most of the long-distance medals as they return home running. They don't mind some UN aid on their home either.

Iceland: Iceland for you, dear spectators. The flag-bearer is a judoka but who knows, maybe he is a professional snake milker. It's his grip on the flagpole that suggests so. Of their three swimmers, one is an ostrich babysitter, another a professional queuer and the third one clears tiger's ear in a circus. The team includes a javelin thrower who is an earthworm psychologist and a discus thrower who is a promising scarecrow.

India: If there was an Olympic gold for athlete-to-official ratio, here comes the team which would have never missed it. Welcome India. They have sent 46 athletes, who are accompanied by 27 percent of the country's bureaucracy along with their drivers, maids and maalishwala.

Jamaica: Enters the colourful Jamaican squad led by the world's fastest man, Usain Bolt. Err, it's a blur now. I mean he was here! I swear I'm not drunk. I think I saw them entering and they went like a flash. We'll check the tapes folks.

Japan: Next we have Japan, the country that taught us how to eat merely-concussed fishes and call it Sushi. Arguably the most behaved nation, which has stored away its collective anger in volcanoes.

Kenya: The Kenyan contingent runs into the stadium. Like Ethiopia, they couldn't afford airfare either and are reaching here after two months of inter-continental criss-crossing. They are natural runners who started running even before they could walk. Not really a surprise when you grow up being chased by starving Lions and indignant Cheetahs. Even if they don't win a medal, some of the athletes hope to catch Angelina Jolie's eyes and get adopted.

Mauritius: Ladies and gentleman, please welcome Mauritius. Dear little kids, it's the island nation where most of you were conceived. In fact, marriages are not solemnised if you haven't honeymooned in Mauritius. Also draws tax cheats.

Nepal: Ladies and gentlemen, please clap for Nepal. When not climbing Mt Everest after every domestic dispute, they are electing a new PM. Also the country that gave us the wonderful Manisha Koirala and the less wonderful Acharya Balkrishna of Patanjali fame.

North Korea: Here comes the Games' most assured contingent, the wonderfully nuclear-abled North Korea. They left home declaring themselves as the Olympic champions and will nuke anyone who disputes that.

Pakistan: Here comes a small contingent from Pakistan. Apparently, their sports ministry wanted to select the squad but eventually ISI handpicked the candidates. Some believe they are here to find Imran Khan's next wife. (...to be continued)

Sunday 3 July 2016

Doosra interviews Shastri after spat with Ganguly

As if losing India head coach's job was not bad enough, Ravi Shastri picked a fight with, of all people, Sourav Ganguly.

As it happens in any scrap with Ganguly, and a significant chunk of Australian population will vouch for it, the experience has been rather unpleasant for Shastri.

Shastri was naturally downbeat when Doosra met him but still agreed to bare his heart in this interview.

Excerpts from an interview which ended abruptly due to circumstances.

Doosra: Did the interview took place in a cordial atmosphere?
Shastri: No complaint about the atmosphere. I was sitting in a Thai beach, beer in hand and shaking a leg with the hip, young crowd. The atmosphere was electrifying and as the day progressed, it was only going to get hotter.

Doosra: Well, when you applied for the job, what was your expectation?
Shastri: Look boss. I'm a cool customer. I approached it with lot of positivity. I knew if I want to win it, I need to play well. I have the experience, I knew the guys on the panel and naturally I thought that all three results were possible.

Doosra: Err, all three?
Shastri: Yes. Me getting the job, they giving me the job and the job coming to me -- all three results looked fairly possible.

Doosra: That's probably taking it for granted. But why from Thailand and via Skype? Why didn't you, like Anil Kumble, appear in person?
Shastri: Just what the doctor ordered.

Doosra: Sorry?
Shastri: I mean that's what the doctor told me. Coaching and commentary put me under lot of stress. My family physician suggested I take a break and go to a beach somewhere. So I took the aerial route!

Doosra: But Kumble made a proper two-hour presentation and your spoke barely for 45 minutes.
Shastri: To hell with five-day tests and two-hour presentations. What's wrong with 45-minute presentations? I began with "KOLKATA, ARE YOU READY!" That should have been enough.

Doosra: Evidently that was not enough. Anyway, 57 people applied for the job. Do you think eventually it boiled down to you and Kumble?
Shastri: Look boss, it was a pressure cooker scenario. Anil was firing on all cylinders, so I upped the ante. It was going down to the wire. In the end, cricket, I mean Anil, was the real winner. All because of that @#$%^&* Ganguly.

Doosra: You think Sourav has a problem with you?
Shastri: How would I know? He left even before my interview began. But all three results are possible?

Doosra: Like?
Shastri: Like - he hates me, he loathes or he detests me.

Doosra: One must say that you started it by accusing him of showing "disrespect". How hurt were you by the way he hit back?
Shastri: When he hits, it stays hit. He went for the jugular.

Doosra: In the end, what do you think clinch it for Kumble?
Shastri: He got good 'purchase' from the wicket (winks).

Doosra: You think it could have been different had you been physically present at the interview?
Shastri: Maybe they didn't like me doing it from abroad. Remember, we are dealing in boundaries here!

Doosra: When did you realise the finger has gone up?
Shastri: When I saw Ganguly was absent. By the way, I got a feeling here - that you are making fun of me. Are you?

Doosra: All three results are possible.
Shastri: Like?

Doosra: Like -- mocking you, ridiculing you or taking the mickey out of you.
Shastri: No half-measures here, will come after you like a tracer bullet...

Sunday 24 April 2016

Celebs mouth Shakespeare lines on the Bard's 400th death anniversary

1. Friends, Romans, countrymen, lend me your ears ~ Evander Holyfield

2. Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day? ~ Sunny Leone's co-stars

3. What's in a name? ~ North West/Deshabandu Warnakulasuriya Patabendige Ushantha Joseph Chaminda Vaas

4. A man can die but once ~ Gabbar Singh

5. I am one who loved not wisely but too well ~ Kangana Ranaut

6. The course of true love never did run smooth ~ Indrani Mukherjee

7. To be, or not to be, that is the question ~ Adnan Sami, before accepting Indian citizenship.

8. A horse! a horse! my kingdom for a horse ~ BJP Uttarakhand

9. I have no Spur to prick the sides of my intent, but only vaulting ambition ~ Mauricio Pochettino

10. I have not slept one wink ~ HD Deve Gowda

11. I must be cruel, only to be kind ~ Finance Minister

12. It is a wise father that knows his own child ~ ND Tiwari

Saturday 23 April 2016

Math Celebs

Sachin ππππππππ...

Laxmikant ||

∑nd Freud

Bridgitte III.

λ Pehelwan

Catherine ζ Jones

Vikram { }h

Thursday 18 February 2016

Anaconda bites Warne: 5 Conspiracy Theories

One hears that Shane Warne, bored with retirement, has gone ahead and got his head bitten by an anaconda on a reality show.

While people behind "I’m A Celebrity...Get Me Out Of Here!" are laughing all the way to the bank, here are the 5 Conspiracy Theories currently doing the rounds:

1. Steve Waugh strategically placed the rogue anaconda in that box;

2. An aspiring leggie itself, the anaconda was trying to pick Warne's brain, literally;

3. John Buchanan called Cricket Australia after the incident, to inquire if the snake was out of danger;

4. Warne was celebrating Nag Panchami when things went wrong;

5. Warne heard anaconda's venom is an excellent hair growth agent.

Wednesday 3 February 2016

7 Frank Bank Names

1. Pajama Canara Bank
2. State Bank of Eysore
3. SubStandard Chartered Bank
4. AudaCity Bank
5. Icy Icy Eye Bank
6. Douche Bank
7. Central Bonkers of India