15 More Predictions

1. Mukesh Ambani will buy Greece from an auction outbidding a Qatari royal and bring it under Brihanmumbai Municipal Corporation;

2. Farmers’ suicide will finally be a thing of the past as there won’t be any left to attempt it;

3. An Indian will invent a cordless mobile charger which would double up as pajama drawstring;

4. Shoaib Akhtar will pip Rameez Raja to Indian citizenship;

5. Mahatma Gandhi will appear during a joint parliament session, demanding his name is deleted from history, insisting he wants none of it;

6. The UN will ban IPL and all franchise-based sports leagues simply for coming up with such ghastly names for the teams;

7. Trying to create the photographic illusion of touching the top of the minaret at Taj Mahal and similar structures will be declared as mental illness;

8. Eclairs will become legitimate currency;

9. Girls with moustache and guys with pot-belly will dominate the next decade;

10. New breed of hens will directly lay boiled egg.

11. Shah Rukh Khan will lose a Bollywood Dahi Handi competition to Ranvir Kapoor after selecting the likes of Kailash Kher, Aamir Khan and Rajpal Yadav in his team. The human pyramid didn’t come anywhere near the pot;

12. A new Nehru biography will disclose he was actually called "Cha Cha" Nehru for being nimble-footed in that Cuban dance form;

13. Chetan Bhagat will confess his latest books are duds and he buys thousands of them himself to make them best-sellers.

14. Future poll promises by political parties will include offer to help people climb out of their skinny jeans;

15. Death will be optional.

6 Reactions to Pranab Mukherjee's exit as FM

1. Shahid Afridi: Retirement? Well, not a bad thing. One should do it occasionally. I have done it a number of times. But as a senior in that department, my advice is don't overdo it. Twice a month, no more. I'm retiring now. I mean I'm retiring to bed now;

2. Sourav Ganguly: I think he was under pressure to retire. I still think he had at least two years' finance left in him. I think the Board, arrey High Command, pressured him into retirement.

3. Mahesh Bhupathi: As I have maintained all along, I'm not going to play with anyone except Rohan Bopanna. Worse, Pranab comes from the same state. Leander should follow Pranab and quit.

4. Mamata Banerjee: Good riddance. Hope the next FM would give us a good Bengal package. My only concern is he'd have ample time on hand as President and I just hope he does not take to cartooning. Will ask Manmohan ji to immediately stop supplying pencils and sketch pens to Rashtrapati Bhavan.

5. Shoaib Akhtar: I think he got scared after Sachin Tendulkar became an MP and immediately retired. When Tendulkar took oath. I saw Mukherjee's legs trembling. Don't trust me? Ask Afridi.

6. Vinod Kambli: I'm a very emotional man today for I can identify myself with Pranab Da. His career mirrors mine. I never got enough support from Tendulkar and ended up playing support roles in random movies. Sachin is an MP today but I'm not even BMC councillor. Pranabda too could have become the PM but he never got the support from Sonia Gandhi. I'm a very emotional man today and can't hold back my tears. Watch me sob on STAR TV, ok ABP TV, at 7:30 this evening. I'm a very emotional man today.

Rahul Dravid - Methuselah in Flannel

This piece of statistics confirmed our worst fears last years.

Rahul Dravid has faced most deliveries in test cricket's history. A staggering 29,125 before he resumed the self-flagellation in England and Australia.

And by the time he was sick with test cricket, Dravid had faced 31,258 deliveries, to go with the 15,284 in ODIs and 1369 in T20s.

Now -- and here I want you to follow closely-- if you quickly look around to make sure none is watching you and shrewdly put them together, Dravid has faced 47,911 deliveries.

For argument’s sake, let's assume every delivery took one minute each.

After all the sightscreen has to be moved; the batsman has to make sure the rival skipper has not sneaked in an extra fielder; the non-striker has to conclude his chit-chat with the mid-on fielder wherein both inquire about the female members in each other’s family and so on.

Also, the ball has to be licked, rubbed, roughened, scratched and its seam assaulted -– with nail, both human and iron, bottle-openers and even Afridi's teeth -– before the bowler starts his run up.

And if Shoaib Akhtar is the bowler, a batsman can afford a quick power nap without risking oversleeping as the Pakistani's grunt would wake him up just in time to face the ball.

You can safely say Dravid has spent an estimated 47,911 minutes waiting for deliveries.

Any stout calculator will tell you that’s slightly less than 800 hours or nearly 34 days.

To give you an idea, a female White Stork which has just laid a clutch of eggs would rush back expecting them to hatch after she had watched all deliveries aimed at Dravid at one go.

Now it takes a lot of patience to do that and I’m not talking about a female White Stork’s egg laying.

Even his staunchest detractor would admit Dravid has been patient.

In fact so patient that he was promptly drawn to a doctor who became his better half. Three-quarters, if you fuss.

So if Dravid looked like cricket's Methuselah, you know why.

He faced 47,911 deliveries, mind you. And that excludes his wife's two.

(P.S. This is a mildly-tweaked reproduction of a July 20, 2011 post)

Afridi’s Secret Diary: Shoaib’s Autobiology and the Betrial

My heart is bloody and I’m offset like nobody’s business.

Ass you knowing, spot-fixing case is running in London and now I knowing that my team-maids tried to stab me in the rear when I was there captain!

I’m shocking and can’t trust it like nobody’s business. Mark my wards, posterior will not forgive them for this acting of betrial.

God will dip-fry them in boiling oil like nobody’s business and they all will be…what you call it… hell and hurty.

Now I understanding the because of my loosing so much matches. I always thinking of victoring and they always trying to cattle my plans like nobody’s business!

And see my largeness. I steel supported one of those oxymoron -- Shoaib Akhtar. He was a ox in the body and a moron in the head.

It was I who spoke him that Tendulkar was scareful of him. One day before the match, all players were discusing who was the most maddest bowler when Sachin suddenly spoke out of contest and confaced “I’m afraid, it’s Shoaib.”

I acted smartingly and tape-recorded it. Kamran Akmal objected like nobody’s business but I didn’t hear. I took out the fat tape of his tracksuit’s waist and written those words on it.

Tendulkar cannot denial it now. I was the wheatness. And if he steel denies, I’m sorry to speak that he is a lier.

Also late me share a secret. Hair in Pakistan, we all are together jellous of Shoaib like nobody’s business. The because is, he has a autobiology now.

And I can tale you that it is goodly written. I readed three and half line and his comment over language is compressive like nobody’s business.

People say it being ghost-written. I not knowing. Who knows, maybe Sexpear wrote it. Or Ernest Hemmingbird or Samiul Bucket. All of them are writers and all of them being ghosts you know. Alone thing that I not understanding is how he contracted a ghost.

Misssing chapter of Shoaib Akhtar's autobiography: Bradman, Sobers…

As you read in the previous post, Shoaib Akhtar, in the original manuscript of “Controversially Yours”, dismissed WG Grace in 11 paras.

The Pakistani iconoclast took his political incorrectness to another level, devoting just about three-and-half lines for Don Bradman and Gary Sobers each.

According to him, Bradman owes his immortality to a madcap statistician; Sobers’ six sixes off a Malcolm Nash over was fishier than any of those ponds in Poschimbongo; and that Muralitharan was robbed of 13 bona fide scalps by lazy-bum scorers.

He also claims umpire Billy Bowden is not actually an umpire!

For his views on some of cricket’s most compelling characters, read on:

Don Bradman: “Bradman’s test average was actually 9.996 but the record book has it 99.96 because the statistician with a strong sense of aesthetics felt placing the decimal in the middle with two digits on either side looked better.”

Garfield Sobers: “Sobers’ six sixes was the first instance of computer generated imagery, used subsequently in making movies like Jurassic Park and The Terminator”;

Jim Laker: “Laker's 19 wickets in the 1956 Old Trafford test included 5 that Tony Lock took but couldn't be credited for because the box next to Lock’s name in the scoresheet had been smudged by an inadvertent ink-drop from the leaking pen of the absent-minded scorer”.

Muttiah Muralitharan: “Murali actually took 813 wickets but 13 of them were awarded to Vaas by lazy scorers once they realised writing VAAS takes 1/3rd time of writing MURALITHARAN”;

Billy Bowden: “Bowden is actually contortonist umpiring under duress since Sharad Pawar has kidnapped his family”.

Missing chapter of Shoaib Akhtar's autobiography: WG Grace.

Not many know that the manuscript of Shoaib Akhtar’s autobiography “Controversially Yours” contained chapters in which the “Rawalpindi Express” offered radical views on most of cricket’s greatest names, except Ajit Agarkar.

Libel-weary publishers, with business to run and family to feed, naturally refused to publish them, making sure they do not see the light of the day.

Until Doosra accessed them, of course.

Here goes the first installment in which Shoaib assesses WG Grace.

“I can’t believe they called him father of modern cricket. Father! My number 14 foot!

No hanky-panky. Let me make it clear what I think of that big, fat chump. He looks an obese ass with enough fat to run a soap factory.

Frankly speaking, I think he was dead-scared of my pace and decided to play in another era. Such a coward!

Even though he scored heavily against Joey Palmer in his debut test, I tell you his legs were trembling. Of course I was not there in that 1880 test but Shahid Afridi, who remains 21, says he himself saw them trembling.

Like most of us, Grace used to blatantly tamper the ball. I got to know he was called ‘Doctor’. I guess because he used to doctor the ball. And people have problems only when we do it. It’s a mean world, buddy.

No dramas. I think Grace was a slimy fatso. He filled English cricket with his brothers, sons and even nephews. If this is not nepotism then I’d like to know what is.

Man, have you seen his photo? Awful, man. Inzy bhai will look like him 20 years later.

Seems the guy never went to gym. Six packs? He had six sacks. If you have a good knife and you know how to do it, you can carve six cricketers out of him. Such a waste of space.

His beard was against the spirit of the game. I’m surprised ICC or whatever it was in those days didn’t ban it. It was a deliberate ploy to shield the stumps and confuse the bowlers. Disgusting!

People called him Grace. I call him Disgrace.

I know most of you won’t believe me. I know necromancy and I've challenged him to face me. I don't trust Lalit Modi. Fortunately, Kerry Packer wrote on my Ouija board that he would sponsor the event. Will keep you posted. Take care."

Dravid, cricket’s Methuselah

A recent piece of statistics confirmed our worst fears.

Rahul Dravid has faced most deliveries in test cricket’s history. A staggering 29,125, before he resumes the self-flagellation in England.

It goes with the 15,124 in ODIs and 1303 in T20s. None of these, however, are likely to improve unless Ramalinga Raju does the computation for ICC. Put them together and Dravid has faced 45,552 deliveries.

For argument’s sake, let’s assume every delivery took two minutes.

After all the sightscreen has to be moved, the batsman has to make sure the rival skipper has not sneaked in an extra fielder, the non-striker has to conclude his chit-chat with the mid-on fielder wherein both inquire about the female members in each other’s family and so on.

Also, the ball has to be licked, rubbed, roughened, scratched and its seam assaulted – with nail, both human and iron, bottle-openers and even Afridi’s teeth – before the bowler starts his run up.

And if Shoaib Akhtar is the bowler, a batsman can afford a quick power nap without risking oversleeping as the Pakistani’s grunt would wake him up just in time to face the ball.

You can safely say Dravid has spent an estimated 91,104 minutes – quite a Lalit Modiesque number -- for the deliveries he faced in international cricket.

Any stout calculator will tell you that is slightly more than 1518 hours, which is nearly 64 days.

To give you an idea, it’s exactly the time a brow hair takes to grow back after it has been plucked.

Now it takes a lot of patience to do that and Dravid has been patient. In fact so patient that was promptly drawn to a doctor who became his better half. Three-quarters, if you fuss.

Returning to the point, if Dravid looks like cricket’s Methuselah, you know why.

He faced 45,552 deliveries, mind you. And that excludes his wife’s two.

7 Reasons Why Cricket Is A Better Sport Than Tennis

1. You don't associate cricketers with rackets;

2. The entire tennis pitch is not even 1/10th of Shoaib Akhtar’s run-up;

3. You don’t need to perch umpires on high chairs to negate the threat posed to his/her life and limb by violent players;

4. Spectators can follow the ball without resembling wind-up toys and risking serious spondylitis;

5. Players don’t make such a fuss over ball, asking for three even though (s) he would eventually need just one;

6. Ball boys are not made to crawl in full public view even though they are well past that stage in life, thus rendering them seriously vulnerable to ridicule from peers;

7. Cricketers don't need to lob the ball high up every now and then to reassure themselves that all is well with the gravitational force.

(P.S. It's the sound of Maria Sharapova in yellow treading on French Open’s red clay that provoked this post which can alternatively be called Why There Is No IPL In Tennis.)

7 cricketers on Osama bin Laden’s death

1. Sachin Tendulkar: I have a strong stance on this issue. I strongly feel Osama’s death is either good or bad for us. It just can’t be anything else even though we should not rule out other possibilities. If you ask me, I think it’s essentially a relative subject and so Osama’s relatives can better answer it. Osama was apparently staying in a stone hut in Tora Bora. When people throw stone at you, you turn them into milestone. Instead, Osama turned it into a stone hut and I think that tells everything;

2. Rahul Dravid: Who died isn’t important here. One should not think about individuals, team always comes first. What’s important here is a death has taken place which means the global population has just shrunk and the air available for human consumption will be relatively higher. Besides, I think it would allow batsmen to concentrate better. I remember I was batting against Sachin’s son in Mumbai when the Americans were bombing Afghanistan and it greatly affected my concentration. The only time I had a similar problem was in Sydney when a whale rather loudly exhaled in the adjacent Tasman Sea just when I was taking guard;

3. Shahid Afridi: I’m happy like nobody’s business. When I speaked that Indians not having big hearts and we having, people moleculed me…or is it ridiculed? Whoever…Now see which country gave Laden shelter? I feel…I feel… vindictive…the media will now eat dumbbell pie;

4. Anil Kumble: I see beyond Osama’s death and what stirs me is the inequality of the contest. The US Military and the Al Qaeda were fighting and I’m sorry to say only one team was fighting in the true spirit. Our Bangalore Royal Challengers owner Vijay Mallya has naturally taken interest and promised to reduce the spirit deficit;

5. Sourav Ganguly: I’m really aghast. I think Obama is selling us dummy. I’ve been tipping them that bin Laden was masquerading as Greg Chappell but they did not listen. I’m not convinced that bin Laden is dead;

6. Shoaib Akhtar: Dude, America is not like Pakistan. America is in America and unlike Pakistan, there people don’t celebrate when their presidents die. USA losing president like Osama is like Pakistan losing me;

7. Shane Warne: Heard the guy was living with his youngest wife. Got her number mate?

Afridi's Secret Diary: Shoaib Thinks He's Rajnigandha!

I'm joy like nobody's business. We beated Sri Lanka to win, which is not easy. If you asking me what is the because, it is I'm the captain of a mad team.

If you try to remind, I never like Shoaib Akhtar and I'm not fearful to say that. He speaks Urdu with an American accent!

Last night he powerfully took me to a pub. After drinking 3 glasses, I could understand he had drunk.

"We have to raise the bar," he said and I was real fearful. I told him the bar was big and had so many persons inside, so many furnitures etc. How two of we raise the hole bar? What he thinked of himself? That South Indian hero -- Rajnigandha?

I begged him not to create seen. He said "Ok pal, let's call it a day". I then lost my anger.

"Why should I call it a day when it's being a night? You are drunk or blind in the eye?"

But you have to say Shoaib has worked on fitness. He has become quite a racist, always asking all to race with him. Also doing stretching and jumping. I'm running also but coach said 2011 is not being a leap year so I'm not jumping.

We need Shoaib because Asif and Amir are banned, which is a handicraft for us. Gul bowling well but he is also mad type.

Other day, coach said we should have a cakewalk against Canada. Know what Gul did? He dropped a cake on floor and walked over it and said "Ho gaya sir, cakewalk."

The whole carpet was ugly and I made him wash that!

After that accident, our coach is out of order. He never ordering us anything. Inspite of him, I order now.

Anyway, I have received many wishes from many. I thank all of you from the heart of my bottom. We need your prayer.

IPL, a lexicographer’s perspective

Had Samuel Johnson or Noah Webster been around, it would have spared me the trouble. Since they are not, I guess someone has to step in, spit on his palms and get on with the job.

So here are seven IPL words which Doosra believes should straightaway be in the lexicons.
 

1. Laliterature (la-lit-ray-chur): any text rich with recurring phrases like ‘multi-million-dollar deal’, ‘tender’, ‘rights’, ‘franchise’ etc. (e.g. The eunuchs who came to listen to Pranab Mukherjee’s budget were disappointed, admitting they could not make heads or tails of the Finance Minister’s laliterature.)
 

2. Yusuffering (yu-suff-ring): See-saw, yo-yoing. (e.g. Elin Nordegren finally handed Tiger Woods his hat, saying the golfer’s yusuffering fidelity was to be blamed for their parting.)
 

3. Mandiraxed (man-di-raxd): Dumped unceremoniously. (e.g. Sarah Palin says she is clueless why Barack Obama mandiraxed her and fell for that Chicago lamppost called Michelle.)
 

4. Yuvinile (yuv-nael): Excessive penchant for nightlife. (e.g. ‘Shoaib Akhtar had all the ingredients to be a great bowler but for his yuvinile indiscretions,’ rued Imran Khan.)
 

5. Shilparasites (shil-para-saets): gatecrashing relatives of your lady boss. (e.g. I had invited only my boss in my anniversary but she turned up with hordes of her freeloading shilparasites.)
 

6. Gangulyse (gang-u-lies): revive, mend. (e.g. John Terry’s tormented wife today made it clear that no amount of counseling can gangulyse her relation with her Casanova husband.)
 

7. Sehwagon Wheel: A wagon wheel where 4s and 6s far outnumber 1s and 2s. (e.g. Arjun Tendulkar’s Sehwagon Wheel reassured us that the youngster is following in his father’s footsteps.)

Who are you Shahadat?

There are players who catch your eye. Shahadat Hossain is different. He catches your ear.

Pressed into service, he de-caps himself and sets out. Fairly longish run-up. You curse Shoaib Akhtar for being such a bad influence.

In ODIs, his captain shakes his head and fishes out a chart from pocket. It shows how much his match-fee shrunk.

Teammates cross fingers. Crowd's heart is in their mouth. Is he leaving the field?

No. Shahadat finally stops. He turns, ruffles his hair and runs.

The batsman saw him retreating into a blot. Now the blot swells into a blur. Shahadat begins his voyage, like one of those Narayangunj steamers.

He approaches the umpire, ghosts past him, leaps, lands and delivers it with a grunt!

AAHHH!

As if he had a vile lunch which he wants to throw up.

As if he had half-swallowed a pregnant toad but then had a second thought and was trying to reverse the process.

Or he's putting up his impersonation of a mother-in-labour.

Beyond doubt, Shahadat labours. And he delivers as well. So, in all fairness, issues should not be made if he grunts too.

And there sneaks in the suspicion. Could it be possible that Shahadat actually is a woman's soul trapped in a male body?

Or maybe beneath the veneer, he is Monica Seles in disguise!

Cast aside the snickometer, bring out the grunt-o-meter. We must get to the bottom of the mystery.

The privilege of being a cricket blogger

At times, you feel privileged to be a cricket blogger.

More so when you are flippant enough to ignore the rocket-science side of the game and laugh at cricket and its myriad characters.

You lambaste Lalit Modi, lash out at Ponting and lampoon ICC with impunity.

You revere Tendulkar, revile Ponting and ridicule Shoaib Akhtar's accent without remorse.

Thank god, I don't run a blog on Burma. Myanmar, the junta will right you.

Else I would bleed to write that Aung San Suu Kyi has been slapped with another 18 months of house arrest.

That after spending 13 years and 293 days of detainment at her lakeside home in Rangoon. Ok, Yangon.

I'd bleed to write that during this period, she could not be on the side of her dying husband and it's more than a decade that she last saw her sons, now in their 30s.

And this new punishment because a mad American, under the impression that she might be assassinated, swam the lake to reach her, something perceived as a breach of house arrest. Primarily on Suu Kyi's part, that is.

To give them their due, the Big Bros have done the lip service. Barrack Obama was so piqued that he reportedly rejected the omelet in breakfast. Gordon Brown turned pink and went to the extent of appearing in a press conference without his regular make-up routine. Unprecedented!

Not to be left behind, UN has issued a harshly-worded warning. If the Myanmar junta doesn't behave itself, UN would be, well, very annoyed.

Her piano is out of tune. She looks pale. The doctor doesn't visit and the garden resembles a jungle, inviting poisonous snakes.

But I have no remorse. Mind you, I'm a cricket blogger. A flippant one at that.

Pix

Give Shoaib another chance!

Give Shoaib another chance.

Now we don't know what Imran Khan had in mind when he uttered these potentially fatwa-inviting words.

Certainly not the interest of Pakistan cricket.

Positively not the interest of Pakistan.

Decidedly not the interest of cricket itself either.

While Shoaib has been a journalist's delight – and many would confide in their vulnerable moments that they owe most of their promotions to the Rawalpindi Rogue – he has not really been the same for Pakistan cricket.

You are assured of your column inches in the headlines alright. But not that you can show those clippings to your wide-eyed grandchildren at the twilight of your life and boast.

Rather, you want to burn them in the backyard, bury the ash and still fear that they may prove as irrepressible as the man himself and resurface!

Doosra ventured to see how the news was greeted in the Pakistan camp and can reveal that the mere mention of Shoaib's name has caused considerable consternation there.

Well, Younus Khan & Co are not exactly cowering behind piled sandbags but it would be an understatement to say that it has sapped them of all the merriness.

So much so that Kamran Akmal was vehemently arguing with Shahid Afridi that it was just his toothy aspect and he was not necessarily smiling.

Younus was spotted shaking his head in disbelief and murmuring "If not anything else, his mere presence is enough to spoil the accent of the players."

Asif has been the most cheerful of the lot since the Champions Trophy recall resuscitated his moribund career. So much so that he was seen smiling patronizingly at a pariah dog even when his teammates were trying to shoo away the creature which had strayed into the nets.

But he looked a different man as Younus cast his sight on him, pale to the gills.

"He bruised my left thigh in 2007 and I can't risk the right now. I'll be available in the rival dressing room. Just give me a call whenever you need me," Asif withdrew, almost in a trance.

Turning back, Younus saw the glum logistic manager approaching him.

"I don't think I'll continue the job. Before boarding flight, he puts all sorts of needles and pills in my luggage and it's embarrassing when security guys asks you all those questions," he said.

The grief-stricken media manager also wanted Younis' shoulder to cry on.

"I have to write those embarrassing details of things like genital infections and rashes and read it aloud to giggling reporters and chuckling cameramen once again. I can't go through it again," he retired.

I suspect that...

1. Alastair Cook and RP Singh endorse different mascara brands;

2. Pakistan Cricket Board has assured itself of the inaugural Gandhi Truth Award by revealing the minutiae of exactly what is keeping Shoaib Akhtar out of action these days;

3. When Lalit Modi mooted the two-IPLs-a-year theory, the scary thought fleeting through Glenn McGrath’s mind was that either his bum or the bench he is assigned to warm would invariably catch fire;

4. Sourav Ganguly is betting considerable money on Mashrafe Mortaza hurling three beamers on the trot at Brendon McCullum’s head at some stage in the T20 World Cup;

5. The only way to make Rohit Sharma click as a Team India player is to allow him wear a Deccan Chargers jersey inside;

6. Ventriloquism may seem as relevant to cricket as Paris Hilton is to rocket science but it might actually do the trick for MS Dhoni. History witness, Warne’s voice brings out the best in a Yusuf Pathan and Gilchrist’s words have magic on Rohit;

7. The recent attacks on the Indians in Australia is essentially a backlash of Harbhajan Singh’s highly misinterpreted invocation of Andrew Symonds’ mother in the infamous Monkeygate episode. Incidentally, Harbhajan’s nephew was recently killed by a taxi driver in Melbourne.

5 wonders that await Asif on his release

As Mohammad Asif packs his bag, hugs his new-found friends at the Dubai detention centre and heads for Pakistan, you cannot really rule out a Rip Van Winkle syndrome.

Cricket is no more the game it was when Asif was nabbed in Dubai and here are the five wonders that are bound to make him as hallucinated as he was at the time of his interception.

1. Kevin Pietersen switching on and off;
2. Brett Lee’s alternate profession as owner-cum-model for downmarket underwear;
3. Collingwood brandishing Trion-Z magic bracelets to counter Vettori’s smart-pant voodoo;
4. Appellate Tribunal decreeing that Shoaib Akhtar would be legally entitled to crack his bat on Asif's thigh in September 2009 and not in a distant 2013;
5. Sreesanth finally settling into a life without Harbhajan Singh and picking up a fight with hotel staff in Bangalore.

Image: AP

Indian Premier League: Circa 2011 and beyond

I didn’t see CNN’s ‘Talk Asia’ programme which featured IPL ring master Lalit Modi this weekend. For that matter, I haven’t seen any of the episodes, even if that makes me lesser a human. And to be honest, I don’t see myself seeing any of the ‘Talk Asia’ episodes either, of course unless I figure there.

But as a professional hazard, I read the transcript and found that during the course of answering a series of ego-massaging questions, Modi said he envisages two IPL seasons in the same year from the fourth edition onwards.

When not cricket ball, crystal ball gazing is my favourite pastime and allow me take a sneak peak into the future of IPL:

1. Sreesanth will be slapped twice a year and the PDCB (Prabhu Deva in Cricket Boots, for those who came in late) would maintain that Harbhajan is like his elder brother;

2. The contract for Bhajji, assuming he still finds a taker, would replace the mandatory post-match handshakes with a folded-hand namaskar and any deviation from there would incur immediate termination of the same;

3. Meanwhile, all roads would lead to Mohali as players, arms wide spread, would make a beeline for Kings XI Punjab, obviously drawn by the hugly incentives from the franchise owner;

4. Kolkata Knight Riders coach John Buchanan will take the opportunity to publish sequel of his “If Better Is Possible” in the Australian embassy. Shane Warne will once again buy a copy, tear the pages, make a kite and fly it over Sawai Mansingh Stadium;

5. Modi will depose in the Court of Arbitration for Sport, explaining why cheerleaders’ presence cannot be construed a performance-enhancing substance;

6. Darren Berry will stay put in Jaipur to issue travel advisory that India had become a dangerous place to visit since a kid burst two firecrackers somewhere in Mizoram;

7. Vijay Mallya will ask Mike Gascoyne to tutor Bangalore royal Challengers on how to get fast off the block;

8. Grandpa, I mean Glenn McGrath would still look inconsolable after conceding 11 runs off his four overs;

9. Sachin Tendulkar would insist that even though teammate Arjun Tendulkar outscored him, he still has lot of cricket left in him;

10. Shoaib Akhtar would manoeuvre his way to IPL, pointing out the precedence set by the previous appellate tribunal which had spared him for the previous drug offence which incurred him a previous life ban.

Image: Daily Mirror

The buck-bucking brigade and the Fifth Great Awakening

Let’s start with the admission that we have been so blinded by the IPL razzmatazz that we simply did not bother to look beyond. But truth, whether noticed or not, remains truth and the fact is away from IPL’s obnoxiously materialistic hullabaloo, England has recently witnessed a spiritual awakening among its cricketer.

Survey revealed Australian players are actually Fousts in Flannels who were already planning to hard sell their souls to Mephistopheles Modi. The lure was enough to rob the Rahul Dravids and VVS Laxmans of their sang-froid and make them believe IPL is their cup of tea and not woes. Sky-gazing Zoologists rubbed eyes in disbelief as Kiwis flew in flocks to hit pay dirt and even the inscrutable PCB contrived a way to allow Shoaib Akhtar, the Nizam of Foofaraw, join the romp.

But all along, English players resisted the temptation to join the Gold Rush and like Odysseus’ sailors, plugged their ears with beeswax and escaped the Sirens (it’s not Vijay Mallya’s imports stupid, I’m talking about the original cheerleaders from Odyssey). First it was Ravi Bopara, then Sajid Mahmood and now Luke Wright (see how it cut across religious believes?) has announced that he too has turned down an IPL offer.

Poor rich Mr Modi, your brainchild has no takers in this part of the globe, for the lure of moolah doesn’t work here. It’s a Robinson Crusoe economy where you can glue together all your currency notes and fly a kite. Now if that is not a spiritual awakening then what?

Next time they walk out in the middle, concentrate and I’m sure you would find the halo around the entire England squad.

And let me pre-empt your design to prove me wrong. What about Dimitry Mascarenhas, isn’t it? Dear, exception does not negate the rule, it only proves it. And how much English is an English cricketer, who has a Russian name, is of Sri Lankan-Tamil heritage, grew up in Australia and volunteered to be spoilt by his Australian captain in the Hampshire dressing room?

Image

The rogue returns

There is something eerily uncanny about the rogue. He’s like a scam that umpteen hush-up efforts can’t suppress. The froth that will inevitably and eventually surface. Almost a leitmotif in a Wagnerian opera. Let’s give the devil its due, Shoaib Akhtar is an unputdownable story with intrigues galore and he may not be the best ambassador of the game, but like cricket itself, his career is all about uncertainty, occasionally glorious and often notorious.

Now that the IPL passage has been cleared by the appellate tribunal, the maverick is back. Indeed, it would have been a pity if he was missing from the mix. It’s not only his craft but also the theatricals that make Shoaib almost an indispensable character in the entire razzmatazz. In the end, it was poetic justice that he was eventually allowed to figure in the foofaraw which he has been so in love with throughout his career.

I’m not sure about his contribution but let’s admit he brings with him that nuisance value and adds to the entertainment quotient. That extraordinarily prolonged run-up, the glare, the snarl as the ball leaves his hand and that spectacular albatross celebration – Shoaib in action is one of the most compelling sights in contemporary cricket.

He maybe the child of hype but batsmen in their relatively vulnerable moments would tell you that the sight of him galloping along that never-ending run up still sends shivers down many a spine.

Welcome to IPL, Shoaib.

Mohammad Asif must be heaving a huge sigh of relief that he won’t have to share the dressing room with the erratic ‘Rawalpindi Express’. Umar Gul, however, is not similarly fortunate. Harbhajan Singh has already set the benchmark in compatriot-bashing and Gul would do well to exercise a little caution. Picking up a dressing-room fight with Shoaib has resulted in grave consequences in the past and history, after all, remains the best teacher.

Image: AFP

Will Pak players raise their hands, please?

Now that IPL is in its adolescence, stock-taking seems an irresistible idea. But hang on, will the Pakistani players please raise their hands, and possibly their game too?

Intriguingly, the T20 World Cup finalists have not set the IPL alight. On the contrary, barring the possible exception of Asif, none of the Pakistani players pass muster. What happened to the T20 World Cup finalists?

If headline-hogging is made the yardstick, I think the only Pakistani who really made some mark is Shoaib ‘Will-He-Won’t-He’ Akhtar.

Let’s delve into the details on a case-by-case, and occasionally nutcase-by-nutcase, basis.

Among the KKR trio, Salman Butt got a look-in against Rajasthan but the sight of Sohail Tanveer probably made him emotional and he could not deny the fellow Pakistani a wicket. No wonder Butt made all the effort to drag the ball onto his stumps.

To be fair, Butt still can lay a legitimate claim that he did not get enough matches, an excuse Mohammad Hafeez can’t afford. Four matches and the Pakistani young gun is still firing blank.

Worst is the case with Umar Gul, who clearly shot himself in the foot with his candour that Ganguly has miles to go before he can replicate his success as India’s ODI and Test captain in this format. Criticising your own skipper, especially when he’s struggling to digest a hat-trick of defeats, doesn’t make Gul an ideal candidate for any diplomatic job but my suspicion is he wanted to prove that post-retirement, he is a commentator material.

Meanwhile, of the Rajasthan Royals trio, Younis Khan is phantom, while Kamran Akmal’s contribution hardly goes beyond his toothy appeal. No wonder Tanveer is wearing a smug smile.

In the Delhi Daredevils camp, Shoaib Malik has been cagey and he treats every bowler as if his alleged Indian father-in-law. Asif, on his part, looks shrinking under Glenn McGrath’s widening shadow.

And no prize for guessing who takes the cake. We have seen enough mopping of hair. Can we have some action, please, Afridi?

But you can’t really fault Misbah if he looks a miserable misanthropist. As someone pointed out, he’s the guy behind the razzmatazz. Had he not scooped that shot in the T20 World Cup final, had not India won the title, had it not triggered frenzy in India, IPL would not have been a reality after all.

But such is the plight of the Bangalore Royal Challengers – no prize for guessing Charu Sharma is their CEO – that they had to bench Misbah. Now that Ross Taylor is gone, Misbah gets his rightful place and I feel he might turn out to be Pakistan’s redemption man.

Image: AFP