10 Soccer Facts I Bet You Didn’t Know

1. Babies are normally born head-first. Andrea Pirlo bucked the trend and was born beard-first.

2. An unborn Miroslav Klose never kicked his mom from inside her womb. He always headed.

3. Philipp Lahm is shorter than himself.

4. Arjen Robben can overtake any Irfan Pathan/Vinay Kumar delivery in loafers.

5. The density of hair in Joachim Loew’s head matches that of Anil Kapoor’s chest.

6. Kokilaben Ambani made a last-ditch attempt to make the Boateng brothers Jerome (Germany) and Prince (Ghana) bury their differences and play for any one team.

7. Eden Hazard was named after the 1967 Kolkata test match violence.

8. Sepp Blatter reports to N Srinivasan.

9. FIFA is a BCCI sub-committee.

10. An ageing Klose will decide whether to play on after the 2050 World Cup to be held in Chennai under BCCI’s aegis.

7 Reactions To Lance Armstrong’s Dope Confession!

1. Swamutra is the best performance-enhancing substance and it's not on WADA list of banned drugs either. Lance should have come to me ~ Swami Agnivesh.

2. Neil Armstrong's confession saddens me and I strongly condemn it. Even Hina Rabbani Khar would agree with me ~ SM Krishna.

3. I always had doubts about him. He cycles faster than my deliveries! ~ Irfan Pathan.

4. I think Lance Armstrong has been targetted. I tell you this performance-enhancing drug is a hoax. I took them myself and my acting never improved ~ Tusshar Kapoor.

5. Who needs dope Tamanna? Mere paas to performance enhance karne ka aur do-do ideas hai ~ Virat Kohli.

6. I always had my suspicion. His bike always looked dented and painted ~ Abhijit Mukherjee.

7. Culprits would be brought to the book. Theek Hai? ~ PM.

7 IPL auction sub-plots!

1. IPL has precipitated the Armageddon by putting monkeygate protagonists Harbhajan Singh and Andrew Symonds in the same team;

2. Vadodara is about to seek separate nationhood, convinced that the money Pathan brothers fetched from IPL auction is enough to sustain a nascent nation;

3. One of the team owners with an obvious zombie expression was so thick-headed that auctioneer, at one point, asked her if he could use it as the hammer;

4. Anil Kumble opted out of IPL because he feared Rajasthan Royals might be interested in him and there are enough scientific evidences to prove the indelible scars that Shilpa Shetty's non-stop giggling can leave on human psyche;

5. Sid Mallya was the only owner with a scientific outlook. Few realised his mohawk was actually a subtle anti-thesis to Newton's law of gravitation;

6. There was so much coldness between Preity Zinta and Ness Wadia that every cappuccino they ordered turned tropical iceberg in no time:

7. In a last throw of dice, Pakistan agreed to export onions to India, offering one cricketer free per sack but IPL governing council members said they have got used to salad sans onion.

A stroll down Critic Street

It was one hell of an experience Doosra can't help but share with readers.

Thinking of this and that, one strayed into an unknown territory and before you know what is what, you are staring at a signboard which tells you have hit the 'Critic Street'.

Flesh creeps as one relates the story.

Before one could separate one’s knotted eyebrows, someone rammed into the midriff and said 'Sorry'.

Looking up, one had this guy who looked perfect from all angles, except his right hand, which lacked the index finger.

For some, maybe five is one too many and you cannot hold it against him. Boris Yeltsin had three on his left hand, Jerry Garcia had four-and-half on his right. Hrithik Roshan provides the contrasting splurge with his six on the right.

So one asked if he would mind telling the story of his missing finger.

"I'm a Harbhajan critic and had just pointed out his poor performance," he said.

He had just finished when one actually heard Harbhajan screaming from behind the clouds:

"I will cut off those fingers!"

Now oracles can be very disturbing. It sort of unnerves you, somehow affecting the coordination among faculties and limbs.

Naturally it was some sort of comfort finding the next guy fully endowed with no part of his well-rounded body gone AWOL.

But before one could engage him in a discussion, he suddenly started his impersonation of a petulant dog, letting out a series of high decibel barks.

"I'm a Sehwag critic," he said. Off went an oracle:

"Jab haathi chalta hai toh bahut saare Janwar bhaungkte hai. the elephant keeps walking ignoring them. That is exactly how I like to deal with my critics."

Meeting the next bird sort of calmed one's frazzled nerves. He had his fingers intact and even better, he did not bark. Only thing that annoyed me is his habit of abruptly suspending discussion, stooping to pick a pebble and throw it.

At one stage, one had to ask him if he would mind saying why he keeps doing that.

"I'm a Tendulkar critic," he said.

And soon a sing-song voice screamed from the sky:

"...people sometimes throw stones and you convert them into milestones."

I tore myself away and kept going till I saw someone, squatting on the ground and leafing through reams of pages of diagrams and speedgun reports.

"Sorry, don't have time for pleasantries. I'm an Irfan Pathan critic, busy figuring out whether he was an express bowler ever."

Oracle: "Critics should understand I was never an express bowler."

7 reasons why it’s not easy being an Indian cricketer

Virender Sehwag has not had a bumper crop on his barren scalp.

Harbhajan Singh's Hummer has not claimed its first casualty yet.

And Irfan Pathan still bowls at a speed which allows him the luxury of fetching the ball midway and do a re-take if he doesn't like the original.

But enough strange things have happened of late to convince me that it's not easy being an Indian cricket these days and here is why:

1. Film directors dismiss you as pestering wannabe actor;

2. Female fans mistake you for a lip gloss;

3. You never know when you find yourself at the wrong end of Vinod Kambli's name-dropping spree in one of the reality shows;

4. Selectors first shove you into a garb and then dump you for posturing in borrowed plumes;

5. Your cousin, especially from hockey, casts an evil eye on your Hummer;

6. Your own state association calls you nepotic; and

7. WADA guys chase you even in your nightmare with a bottle and an injection in their hand, seeking blood and what not.

Oz vs BP XI...Day Two

1026: Protege Pathan must be giving Guru Greg a reason to feel vindicated. Oz attack banging head against brickwall to polish the BP tail. I can see Kumble grinning. Pathan almost exhausted all his luck today before Clark saw his back.

1051: Just witnessed the Sidhu-made-famous Rajendra Talkies cycle stand of Patiala here in Uppal. The same batsmen who were swatting whatever the Aussies hurled at them suddenly looked in a hurry to return to the hut's comfort. The 500-mark looked well within reach before the collapse in heap.

1148: A number of times, Sunny Gavaskar spoke of how umpires made it Australian XIII Down Under. On the other extreme is Shavir Tarapore. BP XI got a couple of bad LBW decisions y'day and now Tarapore turned down Gony's appeal against Hayden. The ball pitched on stumps, rapped him right in front and no movement whatsoever. Can we please cut down on this kind of hospitality for visitors, please?

1247: Just saw Katich saying something to Pragyan Ojha. I have a sneaking suspicion, he was trying to convince Ojha to migrate to Australia. Does the ICC rule book empowers umpires to curb spin trafficking?

1256: To my horror, Piyush Chawla was talking to Ricky Ponting. Hope he didn't say 'I'm readymade..I mean..ready mate.' Anyway from BCCI watching?

1500: Oz bowling looked mediocre and now their batters seem vulnerable. Chawla tormented Ponting before Punter decided offence is the best defence. Except Hussey to some extent, none could really read Chawla. And this is not the free-scoring Aussie side you know. Kumble's grin widening.

Chasing Ozzies in Hyderabad

1135: Covered all major players in y'day's media interaction. Shane Watson's candour and Michael Clarke's clarity of thought impressed most. Clarke showed me all but one of his tattoos. Hayden surprisingly came across soft-spoken. Brett Lee confirmed he is working on an album. 'Right now, I'm busy writing the songs mate.'
1235: Reached Rajiv Gandhi Stadium in Uppal. The exterior is not impressive but interior is. Ponting bowls in the net with Greg Chappell as the umpire. Ponting is garrulous, Chappell stoic, a manufcaturing defect in the god's workshop I guess.

1315: You just love the Aussies for their tidy planning of everything. Wish BCCI learnt a few things from CA. Nielsen addresses press conference. I think, no, I'm sure he's cock-eyed. Can't really follow whom he is eyeing.

1415: Saw a stunning young lady journalist, some i TV mike in hand. Straight out of Telugu movie. On the wrong side of a press conference I guess. My hotel is in the Lakdi-ka-pul area. I thought it was Ladki-ka-pool. Friends scolded me for what they perceived as daydreaming.

1430: Collectively buttonholed Badrinath for his reaction. Got a gem of a line. "I think...I don't think we can take this match easily." Make up your mind, dude.

1440: Fortunately Pragyan Ojha remembers we met in Vadodara. Was keen to know who got into the Test squad. You could sense everyone had that in their mind. Viraat Kohli was clowning around, trying to convince about something spooky in the team hotel. Pragyan seemed disappointed to learn that Amit Mishra got the nod.

1445: Yuvraj's eyeballs almost popped out of socket. Irfan Pathan and Parthiv Patel could not help screaming "Kya? Amit Mishra?". They reacted as if they were in the race for the spinner's slot.

Of Nadal, asteroid and an Indian XI

The other day, Rafael Nadal, that veritable Spanish bull on two legs, had an asteroid named after him. Here goes an Indian XI and things that could have been named after them:

1. Irfan Pathan = Meteor
2. Ajit Agarkar = Comet
3. Virender Sehwag = Aircraft Safety Hazard
4. Sourav Ganguly = Kamikaze Planes/ Nail Clipper
5. Rahul Dravid = Defence Headquarters
6. Sachin Tendulkar = Peaks/National Museum/Departmental Store
7. S Sreesanth= Tinder Box
8. Ashish Nehra = Band Aid
9. Anil Kumble = Diplomatic Mission
10. Harbhajan Singh = Nuclear Reactor/Volcano
11. Zaheer Khan = Nursing Home.

The curious case of Irfan Pathan

According to a recent survey, around 75,000 children have been identified as missing across India in the last one year. Alas, you never get data about cricketers who take the obscurity-prominence-oblivion route.

Let’s admit, Irfan Pathan has become an anachronism, though that was not supposed to be the case with an otherwise immensely likeable chap with a disarming smile. An obituary to his career seems premature but I’m afraid he would go down in cricket history as a mere case study -- how not to tamper with a talent.

Indeed, Irfan can’t be faulted if he looks back and feels he got stuck somewhere between his own potentials and Greg Chappell’s aspirations. In his weaker moments he would probably admit that the aspiring all-rounder in him subdued the bowler within. Suddenly, belting looked so glamorous and bowling such a chore. No wonder, pace dipped and swing deserted, rendering him lesser a bowler.

To make it worse, too many mentors compounded the crisis. Irfan simply lost his way in the haze of advices that came from left, right and centre. Suddenly, everyone had something or the other to offer to him. No wonder, Irfan’s slower became a tautology and at some point of time, Jhulan Goswami was bowling faster than him. The same bowler who could make the ball talk, now only releases it and implores the almighty for the rest.

He probably got up one morning to discover in his horror that he has been robbed of his endowment.

My sneaking suspicion is Irfan had an identity crisis all along. He began as Zaheer protégé, was the next Wasim Akram at his zenith and then rumormongers exclaimed India has just got the new Kapil Dev. The truth is, he probably never had an identity of his own and that made him easy prey to failure.

Again, this was not to be the case.

The other day, Rafael Nadal had an asteroid named after him. I won’t be surprised if someone proposes to name a meteor after Irfan.

Image: BBC

Injuries betide Team India

Sachin Tendulkar -- tendonitis in right hip

Ishant Sharma -----toe and finger

Harbhajan Singh –- pulled left hamstring

Yuvraj Singh –----- knee

Irfan Pathan -------lower back

S Sreesanth ------- left ankle

MS Dhoni --------- ring finger

Zaheer Khan –---- heel.

No, these are not being auctioned. This is the medical bulletin prepared by Team India physio John Gloster that has left Gary Kirsten with a corrugated forehead and robbed him of his sleep.

While Zaheer is recuperating in Centre for Sports Medicine in Johannesburg and looks doubtful for the first Test against South Africa in Chennai on March 26, both Yuvraj and Harbhajan might need to put their limb under the knife.

Gloster is clearly not the most popular physio we ever had. Javagal Srinath was in Delhi a couple of months ago when he lashed out at Gloster. “As a physio, you should not wait for injuries to happen before taking care of the players,” he said.

Well, players are to be blamed as well. The same cricketers who cried hoarse at the increasingly taxing schedule are gleefully putting themselves under the hammer and volunteering for the Indian Premier League (IPL) without any qualms. So to an extent, the injuries are self-inflicted. So why blame the calendar?

Three possible reasons why Dhoni sends Pathan at No. 3

Doosra carried out a probe into Mahendra Singh Dhoni’s mind-numbing, logic-defying and self-destructive insistence at having Irfan Pathan batting at number three. While the decision has amused the Australians, bemused the Indians and confused even Pathan, here go three possible reasons behind this outrageously outrageous ploy:

1. Dhoni the thinking captain reckons the more a bowler bats, the better he understands a batsman’s mindset. Hence the decision to send Pathan at number three. If grapevine is to go by, Ishant Sharma will be asked to open from the next match, while S Sreesanth, because of his impeccable temperament, has been asked to watch Rahul Dravid’s video and transform himself in the same sheet-anchor’s mould.

2. Long ago, in his pre-endorsement days, Dhoni borrowed money fro Pathan and defaulted. With Greg Chappell igniting the ambition of becoming a complete all-rounder in him, an unscrupulous Pathan made Dhoni sign an agreement in which the captain had to permanently allot him the number three slot.

3. Disconsolate after losing Deepika Padukone to Yuvraj Singh, Dhoni met an astrologer in Ranchi who told him sending a holy man at number three is the only antidote to losing girl friend to best friend. Being the son of a muezzin, Pathan perfectly fit the bill and hence the decision.

Image: Noah Seelam/AFP/Getty Images

RP Singh: The Forgotten Hero

In the phalanx of India’s wobbly dobbers, he is the least visible. But think efficiency and you wonder at RP Singh’s amazing ability to escape attention.

He’s not the pin-up boy that Irfan Pathan is; the simpleton doesn’t break into a jig ala S(howman) Sreesanth. But as evident from India’s UK tour and the ongoing Twenty20 World Cup, RP does not lag when it comes to taking wicket, supposedly the primary responsibility of a bowler. The slogathon called Twenty20 World Cup has seen many a bowlers’ blood on the floor but RP not only escaped unscathed but also came through with flying colours.

Indeed, Rohit Sharma may have stolen the thunder – and the Man of the Match award – with his maiden (unbeaten) fifty in the do-or-die match against South Africa, but it’s actually RP to whom MS Dhoni owes a drink.

Defending a so-so total of 153, few gave India a chance but RP clearly had other ideas. He trapped Herschelle Gibbs and removed Graeme Smith in his first over to trigger a collapse which the hosts could not recover from. The left-arm seamer then crashed one through Shaun Pollock’s gate and then removed Albie Morkel, the joint topscorer, to tilt the match and writing was clear on the wall by then for Smith.

You can’t take anything away from Rohit Sharma’s knock but you don’t need to be a pundit either to realize that it was RP’s 4-0-13-0 figure that won the match. But then, cricket has always been a step mother to the bowlers’ tribe and Rohit bagged the MoM award.

There was enough evidence that RP has mastered the art of creating difficult angles that poses all sort of uncomfortable questions to the batsmen. He has this natural flair for swinging the ball both ways and right-handers often found themselves at sea against the one which he brings into them.

RP benefited from his apprenticeship under Zaheer Khan whose prodigious swing had the English batting order in serious nervous disorder in the Test series. as a result, RP arrived a much improved bowler in South Africa and the results are before us to see.

In the Indian pace attack, RP stands out because of his reticent approach to cricket. It’s not that he is low on adrenalin or tends to cower behind the sandbags. But the soft-spoken UP lad prefers to let his ball do the talking. He prefers swing to swears, yorkers to yelling and slower to sledge, which is just perfect with the spirit of the game.

With Irfan Pathan doing little to warrant a comeback and an erratic Sreesanth hardly looking bankable, RP has emerged as a vital cog in the Indian pace attack. And provided the focus is there, RP is definitely here to stay.

Image: AFP