Bhajji on Doosra!

Doosra: So, what happened Bhajji?

Bhajji: Lost a coin, lift your leg moron, maybe you are standing on it.

Doosra: I'm not. Bhajji, I mean what happened that suddenly you started playing like a frontline batsman and struck back-to-back centuries?

Bhajji: Oye, interview started and you didn't tell me you X*&%$#@!...Well, I’m rather sad after those centuries.

Doosra: Sad!

Bhajji: With my talent, I should have scored 13,999 runs by now, just behind Tendulkar. He’s the God you know...Let me tell you, that Batman wasn’t worthy of tying Paaji’s pajama.

Doosra: It’s Bradman.

Bhajji: You kidding! I read in the newspaper – he’s Batman and Robin Singh was his teammate.

Doosra: That’s because you got stuck in the comic strip and did not advance to the sports page. By the way, it’s just Robin and not Robin Singh…

Bhajji: Who cares? And who the hell Batman is compared to Paaji?

Doosra: Bradman...

Bhajji: Why fuss? Have whatever you like! But did he play in IPL? No? You know what James Bond once said? "What he knows of cricket who not IPL knows?"

Doosra: That's CLR James and the actual quote is...anyway, leave it....Against New Zealand you batted so comfortably, the ball must have looked as big as a football?

Bhajji: No fathead, the ball looked like Sreesanth’s cheek and I went slapping (chuckles). But Sree is like a younger bro.

Doosra: We notice you keep it saying these days, ‘Sree like a young bro’. Is it because you don’t have one?

Bhajji: No dumbo, it’s because I think Sree should be as non-existent as my young bro.

Doosra: But your bowling has slipped. Even Ojha is taking more wickets.

Bhajji: You don’t understand, youngsters need encouragement.

Doosra: You mean you deliberately allowed him to hog the limelight?

Bhajji: What else? Besides, now I'm in the team purely as a Bradman.

Doosra : Batman...I mean batsman?

Bhajji: Whatever. Can't keep blabbering with you anymore, I'm a busy man, have to rush. By the way, you sure it's Bradman and not Batman?

Mohali Test...Day 4

0912: Only a superman with his x-ray vision can sight the pitch in such thick fog. Even the track has slipped under a blanket. Wish I could afford such luxury. The frisking just outside the stadium borders on groping and the thought of going through that for five straight days is pretty unnerving. Supersopper mopping the outfield dew, some shadowy figures playing football, could be the Indians. KP and his men could not be traced.

1030: The fickle fog keeps coming back. Harper-Rauf duo inspects the pitch for umpteenth time before retreating, perhaps to tell Dhoni and match can start if he opens with Bhajji-Amit. Kirsten is out with a tennis racket, which changes hand and Munaf Patel shows why Federer should consider himself lucky that Munaf stuck to cricket. Meanwhile, logistic manager Russel Radhakrishnan loses quite a bit of his flab trying to collect Munaf's returns.

1114: James Anderson just got a tattoo done by Dhoni. A terrible judge of a single, Anderson was scampering to return base when Dhoni's full-blooded throw grounded him.

1340: When most relished their lunch, I attended a rather desolate press conference where ICC CEO Haroon Lorgat said -- i) ICC would conduct separate recce before allowing match officials to tour Pakistan for the series against Lanka; ii). Oz-NZ have been put on standby but no reason why sub-continent can't host 2011 World Cup; iii) ICC January meeting would decide fate of 2009 Champions Trophy. And Lorgat was grinning ear-to-ear, explaining how SA's win over OZ at Perth opened up a three-horse race for No. 1 spot.

1348: Strauss, Sehwag, Collingwood, Yuvi...Chennai sizzler proved Mohali fizzlers. Can Tendulkar buck the trend?

1354:...the answer seemed NO. But hold on! there was a big inside edge and Asad Rauf got it right. "You know my father is a Match Referee?" Broad asks Rauf after hie LBW appeal is turned down.

1414: So, Tendulkar too falls to the Curse of Chennai. Can't call him a cricketer with conscience. Broad troubled him all along but he gave Anderson his wicket.

1834: One of the best press conferences involving Yuvi. "Pie-chucker is coming, I'm loving the name," he announced as he walked into the room. Inevitably the first question was about his new sobriquet and Yuvi was on song. "I knew this is going to be the first question.

I got up in the morning and read the paper and thought what does that mean? It means useless bowler. It means KP is getting out to me and useless bowler getting a batsman out five times means useless batting, I must say.

Clearly enjoying every moment of it, Yuvi now attacks KP the bowler...

I have got a better action that KP, his action is useless. But if he works hard he can be a good bowler…I can give him some tips and teach how to bowl in the rough.

And still no love is lost between the two. Sample this...

At the end of the day, everything is on the ground. Me and KP are good friends off the field, but on the field never dare to make friends.

He is a phenomenal player and batted like a champions. He has 15 hundreds in 45 Tests. Actually he tried to get under my skin and brought out the best in me and I tried to get under his skin and brought out the best in him. It's okay, but I don't like to wash dirty linen in public.

Amen.

EXLCUSIVE! Roy Speaks to Doosra!

Those who thought the Dragon has gulped me down with generous dose of authentic Chinese tea, I must say it was a premature celebration. The following Andrew Symonds exclusive interview explains my prolonged absence from blogosphere. My childhood angling experience taught me it’s never easy to catch fish, and even tougher to catch people catching fish. But anyway, my hard work finally bore fruit and here you have Symonds speaking his mind out.

Doosra: Mate, first of all, I must sympathise with you, considering what’s going through your troubled mind.

Symonds: X%@$%*!

Doosra: err…well…I mean…ok, let’s get on with the interview. Roy so what lies ahead?

Symonds: Grrrr…lies! You mean I’m lying? You X%@$%*!

Doosra: Oooops, calm down Roy, I just meant so what’s next for you?

Symonds: Sounds better and you better avoid double-meaning.

Well, now that I’m no more supposed to attend any compulsory meeting, I think finally I can go fishing, without bothering about consequences. Those equipments cost me a lot you know.

Doosra: But why did you skip the compulsory team meeting and went fishy..err I mean fishing?

Symonds: No double-meaning, told you. Anyway, I skipped the meeting because there they made players read ‘Art of War’ in Braille. Only Buchanan has left, not his madness you know.

Doosra: Roy, what is the lesson you learnt from the entire episode?

Symonds: Lesson? What lesson? I’ll teach those %$#*& a lesson, special Clarke. I’ll give you a scoop. You know what? Pup is not straight. He’s the guy behind Binga’s broken marriage.

Now I realize, Australia never really embraced me. They never really knew what to do with this England-born of Afro-Caribbean parentage. I’m thinking of migrating to India.

Doosra: India! But people there booed you!

Symonds: Not really. Now I believe I misunderstood them, cultural difference you know? Didn’t you hear about people who spit on each other’s face to greet? Likewise, Indians have weird ways of greeting you.

I guess I misunderstood Bhajji as well. He swore he never called me monkey, rather inquired about my mom’s health. So nice of him.

You know what? I have a sneaking suspicion that it was actually Matty Hayden who called me monkey, he’s a master ventriloquist you know.

Doosra: Well, what happens if they don’t welcome you in India?

Symonds: Well, in that case I can return to London and make my England A debut.

Doosra: England A!

Symonds: Why not? I could have played for the Poms in 1995 but I turned it down. Now I realise it was a mistake to prefer Australia. But it’s never too late. Besides, they need me.

Doosra: Well, I can’t be as optimistic, what if they too don’t welcome you?

Symonds: That would leave me with no other option but to return to my roots.

Doosra: You mean West Indies?

Symonds: Nope, South Africa. I like Graeme Smith more than Warnie and the Proteas need me to come out of the apartheid era.

Doosra: But that era is already over!

Symonds: Who says? They just became untouchables after Poms, of all people, beat them and that too in ODIs! Can you believe it!

Doosra: Well, it seems you don’t have dearth of options. Count fishing as well. Anyway, it’s reassuring to know that we have not seen the last of Symo. Willow or fishing rod, bat or boat, bowling line or fishing line. All the best Roy.

Indian Premier League: Circa 2011 and beyond

I didn’t see CNN’s ‘Talk Asia’ programme which featured IPL ring master Lalit Modi this weekend. For that matter, I haven’t seen any of the episodes, even if that makes me lesser a human. And to be honest, I don’t see myself seeing any of the ‘Talk Asia’ episodes either, of course unless I figure there.

But as a professional hazard, I read the transcript and found that during the course of answering a series of ego-massaging questions, Modi said he envisages two IPL seasons in the same year from the fourth edition onwards.

When not cricket ball, crystal ball gazing is my favourite pastime and allow me take a sneak peak into the future of IPL:

1. Sreesanth will be slapped twice a year and the PDCB (Prabhu Deva in Cricket Boots, for those who came in late) would maintain that Harbhajan is like his elder brother;

2. The contract for Bhajji, assuming he still finds a taker, would replace the mandatory post-match handshakes with a folded-hand namaskar and any deviation from there would incur immediate termination of the same;

3. Meanwhile, all roads would lead to Mohali as players, arms wide spread, would make a beeline for Kings XI Punjab, obviously drawn by the hugly incentives from the franchise owner;

4. Kolkata Knight Riders coach John Buchanan will take the opportunity to publish sequel of his “If Better Is Possible” in the Australian embassy. Shane Warne will once again buy a copy, tear the pages, make a kite and fly it over Sawai Mansingh Stadium;

5. Modi will depose in the Court of Arbitration for Sport, explaining why cheerleaders’ presence cannot be construed a performance-enhancing substance;

6. Darren Berry will stay put in Jaipur to issue travel advisory that India had become a dangerous place to visit since a kid burst two firecrackers somewhere in Mizoram;

7. Vijay Mallya will ask Mike Gascoyne to tutor Bangalore royal Challengers on how to get fast off the block;

8. Grandpa, I mean Glenn McGrath would still look inconsolable after conceding 11 runs off his four overs;

9. Sachin Tendulkar would insist that even though teammate Arjun Tendulkar outscored him, he still has lot of cricket left in him;

10. Shoaib Akhtar would manoeuvre his way to IPL, pointing out the precedence set by the previous appellate tribunal which had spared him for the previous drug offence which incurred him a previous life ban.

Image: Daily Mirror

Costliest slap in cricket’s history

The slap must be reverberating in Harbhajan Singh’s ears. When he hit Sreesanth beneath his eyes, Harbhajan could hardly imagine that it would go down to history as the costliest slap ever in the history of Indian cricket.

IPL Mint in Suit Lalit Modi spelled out the arithmetic in yesterday’s Press Conference.

He said a player's fee is divided over 14 matches and Harbhajan will be paid for only the first two matches. The volatile offie forfeits his fees from third match onwards, besides the ban for the rest of the IPL.

Bhajji was bought by Mukesh Ambani's Mumbai Indians for a cool Rs 3.4 crore but the Jalandhar spinner would get only Rs 48 lakh.

So that slap that earned him a ban as well, cost Bhajji neat Rs three crore.

Meanwhile, having been to umpteen BCCI Press Conferences, I did not expect it to be a tidy affair yesterday but what I witnessed was mind-boggling.

PR guys said press conference would take place at the 17^th floor of the Maurya Sheraton and that triggered mayhem. Imagine 200-strong crowd, armed with tripods, mikes and paraphernalia, trying to squeeze themselves into two elevators. By the time half of them managed to reach the place, fresh announcement said they don’t have enough space there, so it would take place at porch. That ensued second round of pandemonium. Well, then we were told they have made the arrangements and it would indeed take place at 17^th floor. That triggered a mini-stampede, and TV guys mouthed the most exotic choicest of abuses you can hope to come across before making it to the place just before Modi and Farokh Engineer started the press conference.

Next round of drama took place there that included angry shouts at Modi as well. And all along, Engineer screamed “Please be quiet, show some respect for Mr Modi.”

Well, that was really asking for too much.

Anyway, all this while Modi could have simply booked a hall beforehand and told that the Press Conference would start at so-and-so hour.

Here is why Harbhajan slapped Sreesanth

If it intrigued you what prompted Harbhajan to slap Sreesanth, here goes the Doosra exclusive which explains the inexplicable and gives you all six possible reasons:

1. An ecstatic Sreesanth told Bhajji that Lalit Modi had just added a “Kiss-your-boss-nolens-volens” clause to the players’ IPL contract. Pat came Bhajji’s reply.

2. Bhajji had actually asked Sree the secret of curbing his temper. Sree said ‘Lage Raho Munnabhai’ did the trick and he was in fact practicing Gandhigiri. Bhajji just wanted to check the veracity and asked him to turn his cheek.

3. The prankster in Sree challenged Bhajji that he was balding beneath the turban and dared him to prove him wrong.

4. Both were actually discussing how Indians were getting into one after another on-field brawl while touring abroad. It was disgusting, they concurred, and decided India needed to reduce its dependence on foreigners.

5. Mind-boggling action, edge-of-the-seat thriller, song-and-dance…IPL ring master Lalit Modi sniffed melodrama was missing from the script and he chose India’s most volatile duo to take care of that.

6. A Kerala producer had approached Sree but was not sure of his versatility in front of camera. Dance, aggression and even comedy is ok but can Sree handle emotional scenes? Sree reportedly invited him to Mohali last night and Doosra learns Sree had the contract in his pocket when he entered the dressing room where Bhajji was waiting for his share of the pie.