10 Books Unlikely To Be Written In India

7 potential alternative careers in cricket

Whenever they speak, some cricketers can be quite thought-provoking. For instance, your first thought after hearing Player A could be a wishful one – wish the proverbial cat had gotten his tongue and was not sighted since.

Some cricketers can also make a believer out of you. The first sentence has barely left Player B's lips and you start believing that human tongue functions independently of human brain.

And then there are certain cricketers, who help you understand things around. Like exactly what thought went behind adding a MUTE button to all remote controls.

But then there are others who make interesting reading and from whatever I listened/read over the last few days, I have no doubt that the seven cricketers below would have made quite a good name in other professions. Cricket's-gain-is-god-knows-what's-loss stuff, I mean.

Sample the men and their utterances.

1. Miandad the Microbiologist: "T20 cricket is a virus". (Tendulkar, clearly from the other school of thought, felt T20 was dessert. Talk about one man’s meat being another man’s poison.)

2. Dr Sunil Gavaskar, MBBS: "The way they (Indian fielders) are going about it (dropping catches), despite the cold weather I doubt if they will be able to catch a cold."

3. Adam Parore the Cardiologist: "Jesse Ryder may have the longest lower abdominal strain in history - someone with a heart transplant would have been back quicker."

4. Wayne Parnell the Actuary: "It’s (the $610,000 hole he created in Daredevils’ pocket) a huge sum of money!"

5. Matthew Hayden, Oz High Commissioner to India: "I have been welcomed into the bosom of India as a brother." (Sourav Ganguly now calls him Hayden da, one hears).

6. Lalit Modi the Environmentalist: "For every effigy burnt I will go and plant 200 trees".

7. Jamie Siddons the Proctologist: "His (Sehwag’s) comments (that Bangladesh is an ordinary side) might bite him on his bum in a few years' time."

Doosra Annual Award 2009

Dhoni could not believe it. Sehwag didn't like it. Pietersen rather resented it and Dirk Nannes was quite livid.

I assured them justice delayed is justice denied alright but they need not harbour similar insecurity about Doosra annual awards.

So without much ado, here goes the 2009 gongs:

1. Hosiery Society's Rookie Designer of the Year: Andrew Flintoff, for his socks;

2. Lingerie Wholesaler Association's Newcomer of the Year: Shane Warne, for his brief designs;

3. Youngest Grandpa Citation: Sachin Tendulkar;

4. M(e)an Booker Prize: Justin Langer, for his dossier on English cricketers;

5. Social Networker of the Year: Phil Hughes, for his Twittergate.

6. Honorary Doctorate: Sunil Gavaskar for diagnosing that the butter-finger Indians are incapable of even catching cold.

7. Quisling Memorial Trophy for Fifth Columnist of the Year: Virender Sehwag, for supporting opponents in close ties.

8. The inaugural Regit Sdoow Cup: Kevin Pietersen for being the perfect husband and seeking leave to watch his wife's dance prorgamme on TV. (Regit Sdoow is Tiger Woods reversed, for the uninitiated).

9. Thomas Edison Medal: Tillakaratne Dilshan for inventing ‘Dilscoop’.

10. Lord Snooty of the Year: Ram Gopal Verma, for mistaking Dhoni for an aspiring actor;

15. Cricketer Sans Border Plaque: Dirk Nannes, for effortlessly two-timing Netherlands and Australia.

16. Noam Chomsky Medal: Again Dirk Nannes, for being the only Japanese-speaking cricketer.

(Read Doosra Annual Award 2008 here)

The hirsute angle of Kotla fiasco

Pacers hunt in pair. Commentators haunt in couple.

Hear it here first, Gavaskar and Bhogle are a couple. Strictly numerically speaking, lest there is any confusion or worse, a defamation suit!

Gavaskar missed Bhogle in Kotla. Mind you, Bhogle is no Neo-commentator, rather he is the archetypal. And Gavaskar is a pal of the archetypal.

The moment he saw the Kotla track, it reminded him of Bhogle’s dome and Gavaskar said it was hair transplant pitch. Few knew, that was a tribute to Bhogle.

Not even the Sri Lankans who confronted Gavaskar in the evening. They wanted him to issue a rejoinder. It was not a hair-transplant strip. It was hair-raising, they argued.

And they took off Kandamby's helmet to drive home the point.

The Lankans also put forward the case of Samaraweera. The same Samaraweera whose bullet-blunting stunt in Lahore put him in the same bracket with Dharmendra.

But even the same Samaraweera was not ready to bite the bullet this time and was rather happy to be back to the pavilion.

In fact so happy that he offered a cup of tea to Kandamby -– who had sold him down the river calling for that non-existent run -- when a juicy thwack on the latter’s posterior would have about met the case.

In the end, Gavaskar was convinced. Staying with the hirsute theme, he apparently was in no mood to split hairs.

Kanpur Test Day 1: My 7 suspects

1. The cake Amit Mishra -- he turned 27 today even though his look suggests 72 -- received from team management had 'Happy-Birthday-Omit' written across it;

2. "Sorry Bhai" is the Bollywood movie that pretty much sums up Pragyan Ojha's feeling towards Amit Mishra;

3. The only explanation of Sri Lanka's frequent dropping of anything flying off Sehwag's bat is -- they consider it below their dignity. They steadfastly refused in Ahmedabad till one accidentally got stuck to Angelo Mathews' reluctant palm. Here too Mahela dropped Sehwag on duck before Dilshan caught him. And that because Sehwag happens to be Dilshan's Delhi Daredevils comrade;

4. After their union in Ahmedabad, the Jayawardenes clicked in Kanpur as well. Well, this time for India, by collaborating to spill Sehwag on zero;

5. The secret behind Sehwag's uncharacteristic patience is Dhoni's threat to make him write Welegedara's full name -- Uda Walawwe Mahim Bandaralage Chanaka Asanga Welegedara -- 10 times if he got out early;

6. Harbhajan Singh's mild throat infection had the team management worried because they know his real craft lies in his larynx;

7. When Sehwag said Gambhir is the best Indian opener since Gavaskar, he meant Srikkanth was a motormouth madcap, Ganguly an ill-tempered mule and Tendulkar a petulant holy cow.

Ind vs Eng ODI Live Update from Kanpur

0827: Welcome to WNWSACWR (What Neo Won't Show and Cricinfo Won't Report). Waking up groggy at ungodly hours and making your way through a maze of security is never easy. Some people still retain their zeal-- like Ravi Shastri out there, trying to flirt with the Neo babe, the neonate in cricket broadcasting.

0837: The guy (I mean Guy the Gorrilla) who wanted to sent his mom-in-law to Pakistan is out there. Sir Ian Terence Botham, OBE, just had a brief discussion with Kevin Peter Pietersen, MBE, in the middle. Beefy looks in good shape but you can't say the same about England. I reckon KP was trying to woo him out of retirement. Considering the shellacking Broad & Co received in Indore and Rajkot, it can't get worse.

0844: Talking about in-laws, a certain Sunny Gavaskar was denied entry in the team hotel last night. Sunny's wife hails from Kanpur and he is certainly not the first son-in-law to get such cold treatment from his sasural. Also saw Sunny Sir admiring a new hat but there was time when he was wearing quite a few of them.

0900: Laxmanshivaramkrishnan, Gavaskar and David Lloyd stand together facing the camera. Looks like a fairness cream commercial that improves your complexion in three stages.

0909: Shastri and Rajiv Shukla bridge the gap between their statures and engage in a neck-spraining discussion. One has grown vertically and the other just expanded horizontally. I guess Shukla was seeking an explanation from Shastri on Raj Thackeray's drive against the north Indians.

0915: Surrounded by Shastri, Gavaskar, Botham, Shiva and a few of his former peers, Krish Srikkanth takes a nostalgic tour down memory lane and enthusiastically shadow-practises shots before proceeding to study the pitch, something he was never accused of doing in his playing days.

0929: Men in Blue around me. Actually UPCA had freshly painted the chairs in the press box and the Sun reporter just discovered to his horror that the paint has tainted his cream colour troussers. A colleague of him takes a snap of the tainted bottom and I expect colourful copies in the British press tomorrow. Meanwhile, it leads to a strange spectacle in the press box where guys ask each other to have a look at their bums. They may be fierce professional rivals but you have to appreciate their 'Dostana'.

1141: In the press box, Angus Fraser isn't amused with the paint on his troussers, shaking head in disgust and mumbling the unprintables. He wears specs and the glasses are really thick and powerful. If he wants, he can take one off here and burn a hole in Russell Tiffen's troussers out there in the middle.

1211: Flintoff fell to Yusuf Pathan and another Great Indian Huddle. I was always intrigued what they discuss in the huddle? Should be their unparliamentary emotions which they otherwise can't express in front of the umpires or near the stump microphones.

1239: Bopara back, Samit Patel and Owais Shah waging grim battle and Monty Panesar is being missed. Can we have a true blue English team, please?

1529: India trying to snatch defeat from the jaws of victory. Complacency? Boredom? spiked drink? voodoo? Curse of Punter?

Oz vs BP XI...Day Two

1026: Protege Pathan must be giving Guru Greg a reason to feel vindicated. Oz attack banging head against brickwall to polish the BP tail. I can see Kumble grinning. Pathan almost exhausted all his luck today before Clark saw his back.

1051: Just witnessed the Sidhu-made-famous Rajendra Talkies cycle stand of Patiala here in Uppal. The same batsmen who were swatting whatever the Aussies hurled at them suddenly looked in a hurry to return to the hut's comfort. The 500-mark looked well within reach before the collapse in heap.

1148: A number of times, Sunny Gavaskar spoke of how umpires made it Australian XIII Down Under. On the other extreme is Shavir Tarapore. BP XI got a couple of bad LBW decisions y'day and now Tarapore turned down Gony's appeal against Hayden. The ball pitched on stumps, rapped him right in front and no movement whatsoever. Can we please cut down on this kind of hospitality for visitors, please?

1247: Just saw Katich saying something to Pragyan Ojha. I have a sneaking suspicion, he was trying to convince Ojha to migrate to Australia. Does the ICC rule book empowers umpires to curb spin trafficking?

1256: To my horror, Piyush Chawla was talking to Ricky Ponting. Hope he didn't say 'I'm readymade..I mean..ready mate.' Anyway from BCCI watching?

1500: Oz bowling looked mediocre and now their batters seem vulnerable. Chawla tormented Ponting before Punter decided offence is the best defence. Except Hussey to some extent, none could really read Chawla. And this is not the free-scoring Aussie side you know. Kumble's grin widening.

Can cricket really match football’s passion?

A Bengali knows his football like his rasgulla. Former India international Surajit Sengupta, whose fan includes Sourav Ganguly, often tells this story.

Then an East Bengal players, Sengupta and his teammates were intrigued by a particularly guy, who would manage a particular seat and attend each and every match. Legendary Liverpool Manager Bill Shankly once said "Some people believe football is a matter of life and death, I am very disappointed with that attitude. I can assure you it is much.” This guy clearly did not know Shankly but he belonged to the same school. As it happened, the man in question gradually became familiar with each and every player and was a permanent fixture in all the matches.

It was a derby with arch-rival Mohun Bagan and Sengupta and others were surprised not to see the man in his familiar place. In fact he could not be spotted anywhere. It was only at half time, when the players – then trailing -- could see him. One of the players told him, in a rather complaining tone, “What dada, you are coming so late? We have already conceded a goal”. The man paused for a moment (I still have goose bumps when I recall it) and said, “I couldn’t help it. Actually my only son died and I’m coming straight from the burning ghat. I had to be there for the cremation after all.”

Got little heavy? Well, here is some relief. In my Kolkata days, one of my college mates was a die-hard East Bengal fan who remembered (I hope he still does) each and every match of his favourite team. The goals are etched in his mind and his occasional stammering notwithstanding, he waxes eloquent when he narrates those moves from memory.

A man is known by his company and being my friend, Baaju -- as went his pet name -- too was not a very bright student with the key to open the employment door. Worse, he was god-fearing!

Baaju appeared in a written test for a private company and on his return I asked him how it was. He said it went okay. I asked if they asked any sports questions, to which he said there was one– which team had won the Federation Cup that year. I said “Wow, you know it. Because we two had gone together and Mohun Bagan beat East Bengal in the final, isn’t it?”

He said “Yes, but I wrote East Bengal.” I was livid, “How could you forget that? You remember how Kuldip Singh outjumped a marker to nod home through far post some 10 years back and you forgot this simple stuff?”

Baaju came up with a stunner that would leave anyone speechless. Pointing to his forehead he said, “If it’s written here, none can deny me the job. You are an atheist, so you probably don’t know. It’s all destiny. And if I’m not destined for that, I won’t get it, however I may try. And how on earth you expect me to write the name of Mohun Bagan?”

Call it whatever. My question is can IPL’s city-based concept really match it? Is it so that what we thing as passion for cricket is actually just a hysteria?

(Meanwhile, sorry for the delay. I was one those sun-baked poor souls in the India Gate for yesterday’s Olympic torch relay. It’s not my anti-Tibetan stance but occupational compulsion. No cricketer was part of the relay – Gavaskar had pulled out and so did fellow Mumbaikar Tendulkar. Nearest you had was son of MAK “Tiger” Pataudi, Saif Ali Khan.)
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Gary Kirsten the next Team India coach?

Going by reports, Gary Kirsten – the South African southpaw who looked older than his age because of his bald look – could well be the next Team India coach.

Apparently, Kirsten, who runs a coaching academy, flew down to India where he was interviewed by Sunil Gavaskar and Ravi Shastri – two important members of the BCCI coach Selection Committee.

Kirsten also met Sharad Pawar and Anil Kumble.

And yes, BCCI is also in touch with John Buchanan too.

A final decision will be taken on a December 1 meeting in Kolkata, according to BCCI Vice President Rajeev Shukla.

Since Greg Chappell left, India are without a full-time coach. Chandu Borde (UK), Ravi Shastri (Bangladesh) and Lalchand Rajput (Twenty20 World Cup, Australia and Pakistan series) has been roped in as stop-gap managers at different times.

Among those who have applied for the job are Former stumper and Maharashtra coach Chandrakant Pandit, ex-head of the Queensland Academy of Excellence Richard Done, Leicestershire coach Tim Boon, former Australia and South Africa player Kepler Wessels, Queensland coach Terry Oliver, Canterbury coach Dave Nosworthy and ex-New Zealand captain Martin Crowe.

BCCI had a meeting in New Delhi on Monday and I was there for the briefing. BCCI Secretary Niranjan Shah had the following to say no this issue.

Q. How many people have applied for the coach’s job?

Shah: we’ve received some 20-22 applications.

Q. Would you look beyond the list and invite anyone, in case you are not satisfied with the names you have at your disposal?

Shah: No way. We would not invite anyone. The Board is not going to give undue importance to any individual. (Remember, how BCCI ended up with eggs all over its face when they invited Graham Ford and the Kent guy backed out in the eleventh hour?). We would zero in on the applications we have.

Q. The Coach Selection Committee could not meet twice in the past. When are you people going to meet?

Shah: See, it’s not necessary to meet, we can share views via teleconference too. Anyway, be assured, you would get to see a new coach before the Australia tour.)

(P.S. Plz bear with my being irregular at times. I have been covering part of the India-Pakistan series – the ODIs in Kanpur and Jaipur and the Delhi Test. With no more assignments for me, hope to be more consistent in the coming days.)

...And Shatters a "Team Man" Myth

As Rahul Dravid abdicates Team India captaincy, despite its frills and thrills, one could not help but sink into a state of depression as petty selfishness gets the better of a quintessential team man, who leaves the job admitting he is weak at heart and incapable of bearing the burden anymore.

Ian Chappell and Co. wants to believe us otherwise, but Dravid’s decision stemmed from uncharacteristic petty selfishness and its horrendous timing exposes a man who is so touchy about his own craft that he does not hesitate to sacrifice collective interest in the altar of perfectionism.

That Dravid wanted to leave head held high with his dignity intact sounds alright. He wants to concentrate on his batting sounds okay too. But it’s, unmistakably, Dravid the batsman, who is at the centre of concern and not the team!

Roll back the years and you have a Dravid who threw weight behind Sourav Ganguly, shed ego and though reluctant, stood behind the stumps on one dayers, moved up and down the batting order just to serve the team’s purpose. And he was still successful, prompting Sunil Gavaskar to say every time Dravid walked out to bat, he could see a tri-colour fluttering.

Dravid’s out-of-the-blue decision has plunged Indian cricket into deep leadership crisis. Indeed, the timing could not have been worse. Ricky Ponting’s men are packing their bag before they barge into the country for a seven-match ODI series. Thirteen days to go and Team India still does not know who’ll walk out with Ponting for the toss.

And it came when selectors just don’t have enough options around. An ageing Sachin Tendulkar, his ODI retirement being the subject of speculation till the other day, has been sounded out to take over, while Ganguly’s name is also doing the rounds.

Dhoni, meanwhile, looks certain to be saddled with the burden of ODI captaincy, whether the poor Jharkhand lad is ready for it or not. In such a case, the stumper with flowing tresses would have more on his platter than he can possibly eat. The Too-Much-Too-Early syndrome has had many a casualty and Dhoni might soon join the list.

But, you can’t actually blame the selectors. Show me the options!

Those were the days when Virender Sehwag was shoehorned into vice captaincy, hoping he would take over the reins one day. But with his form deserting him like a fickle girl friend, the Nawab of Najafgarh fell by the wayside and let alone captaincy, a comeback as a player would be like hitting the jackpot for Sehwag.

Yuvraj Singh’s story has been more or less the same. His off-the-field lifestyle has often blighted his performance with the bat and failing to cement his berth in Test side scuttled his case.

That leaves Dhoni as the last Indian hope and thanks to Dravid’s rather untimely realization, instead of being guided to the pool, Dhoni is about to be thrown into the deepest end. And he can’t be faulted if he sinks, rather than swims.

Image: AFP

The Shit Midas!

Historic Test win in West Indies, record number of successful chases in ODIs…still Greg Chappell is not my man with the Midas Touch.

To be honest, I didn’t like him and it’s not so much about cricket, as much as culture. A cultural clash to be precise. And in such clashes, no one is right or wrong. It’s just a matter of liking and disliking. From that point of view, I dislike Greg but that doesn’t mean I’m right and he’s wrong.

Now that he’s no more the Team India coach, I embark on an obit of his first international coaching career.

I think Greg is cursed. An exceptional batsman with a ton in both his debut and swansong Tests, centuries in each innings of his debut as captain and an average of 53.86. The tragedy, however, is that the lone lingering memory of his playing days was when he came forward to advice his younger brother Trevor to bowl under-arm in the third final of the 1981 World Series Cup.

I was watching the tapes again. New Zealand needed six off the last ball to tie, and not win, the match and Greg appeared to order his brother Trevor not just to tell him bowl an under-arm delivery, but also demonstrated it how to do. Rod Marsh was shamed to death behind the stumps and screamed “No! No!”. What followed was one of the darkest chapters in the game’s history.

Even when Greg took over as Team India coach, he brought the same jinx. It was jackpot for someone who had no prior experience of coaching any international side when Greg was selected as Team India coach and it’s well-documented that Sourav Ganguly’s backing made all the difference, even though key panelist Sunil Gavaskar voted against the Australian.

Soon after the honeymoon period was over, what followed was the Greg vs Ganguly saga, which I think is another cultural clash. Gratitude is considered a virtue in Indian society, while the Aussies perceive it as a hindrance to professionalism. A way could have been found to deal the issue but that needed both parties to concede some grounds. And Greg’s media manipulation – so many instances to cite – made things worse.

He would leak things to his selective friends in the media and resorted to all sort of practices unbecoming of a coach.

While the Greg vs Ganguly broadside – it was one-way traffic with Ganguly maintaining deafening silence against Greg’s verbal diarrhea -- dominated the headlines, side-by-side went Greg vs Harbhajan, Greg vs Zaheer, Greg vs Yuvraj, Greg vs Sehwag, Greg vs Tendulkar, almost an unending list.

Even his holiday at Alappuzha landed the houseboat owner in trouble. I mean it was no way Chappell’s fault but the fact remains, wherever he goes, whatever he does, it has always kicked up a row and everything seems in mess.

Sick of clichés, I was trying neologism and that’s the gem I stumbled on, Shit Midas. Whenever Greg laid his fingers on something, it turned shit. You have Team India before you.

Spare the Dead, Please

Woody Allen insists he doesn’t dread death, but just doesn’t want to be there when it happens. My stance is more or less the same, fools never differ, after all.

And it’s even more grotesque when you drag the dead. The deceased should be allowed to rest in peace and nobody has any business to disturb that. Not even he’s Sunil Gavaskar.

When they are through with the game, retired cricketers earn their bread talking trash and thankfully, Gavaskar has been a glorious exception to that ever-increasing rule. And so it was even more unwarranted when he cited David Hookes’ death in front of a Melbourne bar to buttress his Ugly Australian Theory.

I don’t disagree with his UAT – again it’s great minds and fools, put me where you want – but to drag Hookes out of his grave left a bitter taste in mouth. Naturally, Ricky Ponting, Allan Border, Darren Lehmann, Glenn McGrath and Brad Hodge retorted with the kind of vengeance seen in them only during the Ashes.

Gavaskar finally came out with an apology and kudos to him for that. This was a complete unwanted mud-slinging and I think he can be forgiven after saying SORRY. Let Hookie rest in peace.

I simply abhor the idea of dragging the dead and the news that Woolmer’s autopsy was inconclusive and hence would require more tests pain me more. Post-mortem, autopsy, dissection, mortuary – these sickly words make me shrink. These are perhaps unavoidable in case of unnatural death but I detest body-tampering almost as much as ball-tampering. Even after the soul has left the world, rigor mortis has set in and stream of tears has started to trickle down on the surrounding cheeks, the body remains at the centre of a gruesome action.

At a time when science (or is it technology in that disguise?) is busy innovating flavoured condoms, Porridge Gun, Springy Boots, Techno Trousers, fruitless seed, I mean, seedless fruit, can’t they do something to save the deceased body from the disgrace? Or is it asking for too much?