Doosra was recently commissioned by People for Ethical Treatment of Bowlers to peep into Virender Sehwag’s sub-conscious and figure out why he considers the leather-flingers as his class enemy.
Study concluded, here goes the Seven Tenets of Sehwag’s Batting Philosophy:
1. The only delivery you can’t score off is the one that takes place in a maternity ward.
2. Shoulder-arming is a health hazard that should be immediately outlawed. It exposes the wicket-keeper and the close-in fielders to the danger of suffocating from poisonous armpit odour.
3. Running between wickets is a perversion pursued only by the potential pedophiles while dot ball is nothing but a public statement of a batsman’s impotency.
4. Post-Lahore, cricketers have to care about their own safety and sixers, and even skiers, are effective ways of preempting any aerial attack.
5. Bowlers are actually condemned souls who somehow sneaked out of hell only to receive their quota of punishment on earth.
6. To help the ball manufacturing industry weather the current financial downturn, every batsman worth his salt, sugar and jaggery should contribute their mite by sending their quota of deliveries to irretrievable parts outside the ground.
7. Contrary to perceptions, safest way to reach a century is to take the aerial route. After all, the ICC Technical Committee is yet to approve the optional deployment of two fielders suspended from diagonal light towers.
Pix: Time magazine