Kebabs, Ashes and KP

And you thought Alastair is the only Cook in English ranks!

Move over Colonel's Kebabz. Here comes KP kebabs!

As an afterthought, I never suspected Dilip Vengsarkar of actually running kebab joints since I was rather under the impression that 'Colonel' had other fishes to fry at Mumbai Cricket Association.

Anyway, ignore the allusion and return to the protagonist of the piece.

You are the alpha bat but rendered hors de combat.

Your teammates do the unthinkable without you. They shot a poisoned arrow into Ricky Ponting's Achilles heel while you are left to nurse your own.

So what do you do? You swap the bat for skewer and make kebabs for Indian fans in a London club!

With no Onions, of the Graham variety, in the vicinity, the salad was bound to be as much a let-down as a Ravi Bopara or a Monty Panesar.

And it's not known either if they served T20 – as dessert is called in Tendulkar parlance -- in dinner.

What is known, to Doosra that is, is finally when the party had dispersed, KP removed the grill, collected the Ashes, filled the urn he had bought and pocketed the stuff with characteristic cockiness.

So now you know who has more Ashes under the belt, both figuratively and factually, among the Three Lions.

For the Strauss & Co and their vainglory, replace the Don Pedros, Benedicks and Claudios with Cook, Bell, Trott and similar monosyllables and you have, by and large, Much Ado About Nothing II.

Pix: Daily Mail

Live Irani Trophy Updates...Day 3

1022: It's drinks out there and tea for me. The tea served in the Press Box reflects the prosperity of Gujarat -- thick, full cream milk and 'kuncham kuncham' elaichi as well.

1112: Chetanya Nanda resembles Kunal Kapur of 'Rang De Basanti' fame, isn't it? Fellow long-hair Ishant Sharma keeps reminding me of Mowgli. And they say Dhoni can play Tarzan.

1146: MS Dhoni probably realises if there is any threat to his Test captaincy dreams, it's Sehwag. So a slogsweep, fierce drive and a reversesweep off the Delhi captain. Half of Dhoni's shots could be traced to woodcutter's manual. On one occasion, he apparently attempted to cut the ball into half and Mithun Manhas' palm must be sore now after stopping it.

1302: Did I keep quiet for long? Blame it on the sumptuous lunch. Anyway, Dhoni seems hell bent to prove he would have made an equally effective left-hander. Just reverse swept his way to his 23rd fifty. No prize for guessing the bowler, Sehwag. This was the fourth occasion he reverse swept aside Sehwag!

1320: Well, blacksheeps are not that difficult to find and apparently we have shot ourselves in the foot. One of the TV reporters yesterday went to Rest of Inda team hotel and because he was not obstructed by anyone there, he filed a story on how it's unsafe for the players (I presume he wished to be obstructed). His channel added enough spice to the half-baked stuff and projected how a human bomb could easily make his way to the hotel. Stung police authorities have now reacted by barring everyone - except staff and boarders - from entering the hotel. Those of us who had lined up interviews are now left twiddling thumbs!

1325: BCCI continues raising the bar when it comes to logic-defying. Chief selector Dilip Vengsarkar and his colleagues Venkatapathy Raju and Ranjib Biswal were here for the tie. What for? After all, they are not going to pick the squad for the series against Australia, it would be the first assignment of the next batch. In other words, the selectors who were here won't pick the side and those who would pick the side are yet to be officially unveiled. So what was the logic behind the extire exercise? I would love to believe it was BCCI's parting shot to the outgoing selectors.

1330: Mowgli bowling to Tarzan and hits him on the pad. No appeal. Ishant is mature beyond his age and knows can't afford to antagonise Dhoni. Of course it hit Dhoni little high but Ishant had broken into Tarzan screams against other batsmen in similar situations. Smart boy.

The Lesson from Brisbane

One swallow possibly does not make a summer. But then it’s only the dolts who ignore the inklings and miss the obvious.

Agreed, the pathetic batting display in Brisbane in the tri-series opener should not prompt India to reach out for the panic button. But the manner should cost the selectors-- assuming they are a passionate and scrupulous bunch who see their role beyond just penning down 16 names -- their sleep.

Promoting youngsters sound irresistibly sweet, probably too sweet to cloud your commonsense. And investing in youth is a policy that requires certain amount of restraint that has eluded the selectors when they sat to pick India's ODI squad.

Apparently, Dilip Vengsarkar and his colleagues in the selection committee were driven by the doomed idea that packing the team with fresh legs would be a sure-shot formula for success, besides giving the team a refreshing young look. But a cricket match is not won by a team's average age or its look. Skill continues to have the last say and it would remain same in the future too.

So if Sourav Ganguly is a sulking misanthrope at his Behala residence, fair dinkum. But the selectors can be hold responsible for another cricketing felony -- bungling with their handling of the youth.

At a time when the youngsters needed to be guided to the pool, they were simply thrown at the deep end, with a swarm of hungry Australian sharks around to boot.

While Ganguly can consider himself unlucky—even Ricky Ponting was baffled by the southpaw’s exclusion -- the selectors have done a huge disservice to the youngsters as well. It would not be surprising if the likes of Manoj Tiwary returns from Australia with a complex, believing he is just not worth stepping into the bigger shoes of the departing stalwarts like Ganguly.

The Getafix in the selectors have clearly goofed up while concocting the magic potion. They simply forgot to add that vital mix of experience.

Image: AFP

You bungled the job, Colonel!

I have to admit that I had more respect for Dilip Vengsarkar than anyone who laid his bum on the chief selector’s chair in recent past. But to be honest, the Colonel has looked little confused of late and bungled up a sensitive issue.

The decision to sack Sourav Ganguly and Rahul Dravid has been mind-joggling. We indeed need to look beyond the stalwarts and keep the rookies ready to fill the void once they leave the scene. But there has been an unmistakably ugly effort to shove them out of the stage.

As it has been in the vogue of late to ape the Australians, Vengsarkar and his colleagues could have taken a look at the Aussie team, which has Andrew Symonds (33), Brett Lee (31), Stuart Clark (32), Mike Hussey (33), Ricky Ponting (33), Adam Gilchrist (36), Matthew Hayden (36), Brad Hogg (37) and Chris Rodgers (30) -- all in their 30s.

And thanks to their domestic structure, virtually a conveyor belt throwing up new talents every day, Australia apparently is not losing sleep fearing how to manage once the veterans hang up their boots.

While we need to look beyond the Gangulys and the Dravids, I’m not that optimistic about Suresh Rainas, Rohit Sharmas and Robin Uthappa. My cynicism stems from the fact that they have been hanging around for quite a while and behind the Twenty20 veneer, they still have not been able to cement their place in the side. But then, you have to invest in youth, whatever it may cost.

My sole point, however, is that the senior players – considering the service they rendered over the years – have a right to be treated with some sort of dignity, which has been denied in this case.

If the selectors really wanted to show the exit door to the seniors, there could have been dignified ways of doing it. It seems Vengsarkar and his colleagues in the selection committee felt the old horses had outlived their shelf life and hence lead them to the slaughter house to meet the obvious end.

Instead, Vengsarkar could have taken Ganguly and Dravid to a corner, laid his hands around their neck and told them “Guys, we are proud of you for whatever you have done. But time is changing and new guys are knocking on the door. Why don’t you call it quits and walk out head held high? We would host grand benefit matches for you?”

That would have been a befitting ODI send-off for two of India’s greatest servants.

And if the selectors allowed Dhoni and Yuvraj to call the shots, as reports claim, it was unfortunate and I would say Vengsarkar should now have allowed such interference in what is necessarily a selectorial job.

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Doosra Annual Award

Considering the year that has gone by, or going by, Doosra decided to have its own annual award ceremony. And as usual, Doosra is open to suggestions.

The Hate-Pyjama-Uderwear-Etc. Society Man the Year: VVS Laxman

The Peter Pan Scroll: Sachin Tendulkar

The Albert Pinto Memorial Angry Youngman of the Year: S Sreesanth

The Albert Pinto Memorial Angry Not-So-Youngman of the Year: Dilip Vengsarkar:

The Jimmy Amarnath Comeback Kid Award: Sourav Ganguly

The Say-No-To-Haircut Society Man of the Year: MS Dhoni

The Annual Me-Too Award: Joginder Singh

The BLTN (Better Late Than Never) Medallion & special award from NMFF (Nice-Man-Finishes-First) Circle: Anil Kumble

I-Look-Clown-With-A-Crown Citation: Rahul Dravid

Got-Pyjama-Want-Flannel Shield: Yuvraj Singh

Hail-Brinkmanship Fellowship: Sharad Pawar

Discovery-of-the-Year: Gary Kirsten

English-Molestation Community’s Person of the Year & Funny-Bone-On-Legs medal: Niranjan Shah

Annual Gone-With-The-Wind Award & Sunk-Without-Trace Statuette: Greg Chappell

Mint-in-Suit Award: Lalit Modi

Pariah-of-the-Year: Jagmohan Dalmiya

Emperor-Struck Rolling Trophy: Kapil Dev

The David-Whose-Sling-Is-In Goliath’s-Hands Award: Subhash Chandra

God-of-Small-Things Rolling Trophy: Indian cricket team (shorter the format, better they do).

Sorry Colonel But You Erred

Why is it so that logic is often the first casualty whenever you see something happening in Indian cricket? Weird are the ways BCCI function, no question about that. But to give devils -- or devils in this case -- its due, Dilip Vengsarkar & Co had done a reasonably well job when it came to team selection!

Then all of a sudden, why did the Colonel lose his sanity, tore apart the list of probables he himself had prepared a few days earlier and brought back a certain Virender Sehwag out of nowhere and for no obvious reasons? Or is it that his stand-off with the Board on writing columns has robbed him off his common sense?

Maybe Sehwag would come good Down Under, maybe he won’t. To be honest, I have my doubts. Sorry Colonel, but I think gremlins have crept into the machine. At a time when domestic trundlers continue to harass him on the most docile of tracks under the Sun, you have to be outrageously optimistic to expect him to come good in Australia.

But, whether he shines or flops, my primary objection is with the way he has been pitchforked out of nowhere. If you want to fill the Australia-bound plane with whoever you deem good enough, why this farce of announcing a long list of probables beforehand?

Eerily, this utter disregard to a system put in place by themselves seems in vogue in BCCI these days. Remember how they sought applications from all and sundry for the coach’s job only to announce later that Graham Ford and John Emburey have been invited for interview?

Again, hours before Gary Kirsten arrived in Delhi for his interview, BCCI secretary Niranjan Shah told – he told yours truly in a city hotel– that the Board would zero in only on those names who had applied for the job. No prize for guessing that Kirsten was NOT among the applicants and see he’s set to take over the coaching reins!

My heart bleeds for the like of Aakash Chopra. Runs have been flowing from his blade and many still fondly remember how he thwarted the Oz attack at their den. Compare it to Sehwag’s scores in domestic matches since he was dropped -- 16, 0, 9, 32 and 9.

Did Colonel showed the courtesy to reach out for his cell and make a call to Aakash and tell him sorry? My fear, he did not.

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Kapil, Vengsarkar, Bedi in Lord’s Hall of Fame

As the Marylebone Cricket Club (MCC), guardian of the game’s law, decides to doff its hat at Indian cricket, which is celebrating its 75th year, the trio of Bishan Singh Bedi, Kapil Dev and Dilip Vengsarkar is set to adorn the gallery at cricket’s spiritual home at the Lord’s.

Vengsarkar, busy these days hunting for India’s next Test captain, managed to take time off to pose for his portrait, while Kapil – at the receiving end of BCCI’s wrath for siding with the rebel Indian Cricket League (ICL) – too allowed himself to be captured on canvas, as did Bedi, one of the most acerbic tongues around.

Lord’s has proved a happy hunting ground for all of them. Vengsarkar has lorded over at Lord’s, hitting three successive centuries on the ‘Mecca of Cricket’ – first non-English player to do so. Bedi too had a six-wicket haul there while Kapil led his Devils to India’s lone World Cup – well, I mean 50-50 cricket – triumph there in 1983.

Image: Times Now