7 Teacher’s Day Tributes!

Teacher’s Day is probably the only occasion when you don't mind Navjot Singh Sidhu going "Oye chhaa gaya guru..."

Well, below is the collection of seven Teacher’s Day tributes:

1. Happy Teacher's Day ~ John Abraham to Mayawati's statue #expression;

2. Happy Teacher's Day ~ Michael Phelps to Bappi Lahiri. #gold;

3. Happy Teacher's Day ~ Tiger Woods to ND Tiwari. #sexcapades;

4. Happy Teacher's Day ~ Arnab Goswami to Durvasa. #outrage;

5. Happy Teacher's Day ~ Shakti Kapoor to Vladimir Nabokov. #Lolita

6. Happy Teacher's Day ~ Swami Agnivesh to Morarji Desai #swamutra

7. Happy Teacher's Day Guru Dronacharya. Mujh se cheating kar ke aapko kya mila? Thenga! ~ Ekalavya.

IPL, a lexicographer’s perspective

Had Samuel Johnson or Noah Webster been around, it would have spared me the trouble. Since they are not, I guess someone has to step in, spit on his palms and get on with the job.

So here are seven IPL words which Doosra believes should straightaway be in the lexicons.
 

1. Laliterature (la-lit-ray-chur): any text rich with recurring phrases like ‘multi-million-dollar deal’, ‘tender’, ‘rights’, ‘franchise’ etc. (e.g. The eunuchs who came to listen to Pranab Mukherjee’s budget were disappointed, admitting they could not make heads or tails of the Finance Minister’s laliterature.)
 

2. Yusuffering (yu-suff-ring): See-saw, yo-yoing. (e.g. Elin Nordegren finally handed Tiger Woods his hat, saying the golfer’s yusuffering fidelity was to be blamed for their parting.)
 

3. Mandiraxed (man-di-raxd): Dumped unceremoniously. (e.g. Sarah Palin says she is clueless why Barack Obama mandiraxed her and fell for that Chicago lamppost called Michelle.)
 

4. Yuvinile (yuv-nael): Excessive penchant for nightlife. (e.g. ‘Shoaib Akhtar had all the ingredients to be a great bowler but for his yuvinile indiscretions,’ rued Imran Khan.)
 

5. Shilparasites (shil-para-saets): gatecrashing relatives of your lady boss. (e.g. I had invited only my boss in my anniversary but she turned up with hordes of her freeloading shilparasites.)
 

6. Gangulyse (gang-u-lies): revive, mend. (e.g. John Terry’s tormented wife today made it clear that no amount of counseling can gangulyse her relation with her Casanova husband.)
 

7. Sehwagon Wheel: A wagon wheel where 4s and 6s far outnumber 1s and 2s. (e.g. Arjun Tendulkar’s Sehwagon Wheel reassured us that the youngster is following in his father’s footsteps.)

Moksha, at night

To fling my arms wide
In some place of the sun,
To whirl and to dance
Till the white day is done.

Then rest at cool evening
Beneath a tall tree
While night comes on gently,
Dark like me-
That is my dream!

To fling my arms wide
In the face of the sun,
Dance! Whirl! Whirl!
Till the quick day is done.

Rest at pale evening...
A tall, slim tree...
Night coming tenderly
Black like me.

#

Damir Dokic, Jim Pierce, Peter Graff, Richard Williams, A S Bindra, Yograj Singh...

As a class, fathers of sports celebrities tend to talk crap.

But I remember a particular interview of Sourav Ganguly's father for its rare insight into the agony of a flawed enigma.

The Prince had become The Pariah and stayed aloof even at home.

Affectionate friends and careworn family members would take him to a corner, put a sympathetic arm around his shoulder and tell him that chasing rainbows has never done anyone good.

Ganguly would nod but no one was really sure they were being listened to.

When the world around him had withdrawn, a sleepless Ganguly would get a domestic help to throw ball at him in the middle of night and do the knocking in their sprawling drawing room.

In the adjoining bedroom, an upset Ganguly Sr would shake his head and tell his wife how their tormented son had completely lost it.

And what followed was the mother of all comeback stories.

From Bengal Tiger to his American cousin.

Reports trickle in that Tiger Woods, a thoroughly deserving butt of popular dirty jokes, eagerly waits for the night to descend on his Florida mansion so that he can sneak out to a nearby golf course to ease his mind.

Away from prying eyes, a dimly-lit, empty course with the man and his craft.

The same guy who relished flashbulbs now seeks obscurity in the dark and all his own making.

Tiger has fallen from grace. Responsible parents have removed his poster from their kids' study room and burnt it in the backyard.

But let there be no illusion. Golf has seldom been in more need of a comeback story.

Why? Why? Why?

# Tiger Woods -- census at the time of going to press puts his collection of mistresses exactly level-par with his 14 Majors -- has, well nearly had, a drink named after him;

# Rafael Nadal, known for his feat of clay, has an asteroid named after him;

# Gabriela Sabatini, the alpha ooh-inducing racquetier of her days, has a rose bearing her name;

# Even Jonah Lomu, who earned his stripes rewriting rugby records in the day and stealing protégé’s wife in the night, has a volcano named after him;

Any explanation for this inordinate heel-dragging in naming one of the rocket-launching stations after Virender Sehwag even when a toddler knows that he has planted far more spheres in the orbit?

(P.S Also read 11 Indian cricketers and things that could be named after them.)

In pursuit of the Fake IPL Player

At times, you have to shrug off inertia, wriggle yourself out of the comfort of your lair and even if reluctantly, respond to the call of the world.

And this was no fiddle-faddle after all.

The hitherto unflappable Barack Obama had grown fidgety; passer byes vouched there was a blood-curdling upheaval in Jade Goody’s grave in the Epping Forest; and even the stony Tiger Woods had started waggling!

It was as if the sky had dropped, hanging like a glass ceiling just above the head of a claustrophobe world which is struggling to breath in an air thick with suspense.

Who is this Fake IPL Player raking all the KKR muck?

My first suspect was Aamir Khan’s dog, which apparently shares its name with Shah Rukh Khan. Maybe spurred by its owner, the canine was out to deface...I mean defame...his namesake.

Dog running blog!

Well, YouTube is infested with videos of dogs using iPods. Trust me, some of them are more techno-savvy than most of us.

And there is a plausible explanation of the dog’s access to KKR dressing room dopes as well. Possibly it was his Colonial Cousin in SA, that same black mongrel which interrupted CSK-MI match, which is supplying him the fodder for thought!

So I ventured to get it from the horse’s...I mean dog’s...mouth but was stopped at the gate by Aamir himself.

“Have you voted? Show me your finger. Hey, what do you think of yourself, Greg Chappell? This is no Kolkata either. Show me the other one.”

Satisfied, he let me in and I politely asked the canine “Are you the Fake IPL Player?”

“Grrrrrrrrr.”

I asked Aamir to decode it but the Dr Dolittle did little other than leaving me with a muddier mind.

“From the angle of his erect ears and tail and the thickness of the saliva dripping from his quadrilateral tongue and considering the fact that he has been starving for the last three days...”

Before he had finished, I showed him a clean pair of heels and was back on the road, panting and gasping.

“It’s P Chidambaram, silly”. I heard the whisper but couldn’t see anyone in my eyeshot.

Well, not an impossibility altogether. In fact some felt it was PC who straight-drove IPL out of the country.

I sought and surprisingly got an appointment with him! Well, election time is the only time when you have access to the politicians. But his secretary made me do an MF Hussain and take my shoes off before letting me in and PC’s corrugated forehead smoothened only after he had inspected my feet.

“Sir, are you the Fake IPL Player?” I asked timidly.

“Don’t be silly. I’m too busy with election duty. Well, if you suspect someone in the cabinet, it could be Dr Ramadoss.”

Now that was an eye-opener! Indeed, every time SRK smoked, Ramadoss fumed!

“Hello, Dr Ramadoss?”

“Yes, speaking.”

“Sir, are you the Fake IPL Player writing all those dirty stuff about SRK?”

“You nitwit, I would use a log rather than a blog when dealing with that *&%$#@,” he hung up.

Well, I know it doesn't augur well for the world bu I’m afraid, Obama will continue to fidget for some more time.

Pix: Jess Bucchino, ‘The Wizard of Draws’

7 lucky charms that can revive Oz fortune

I feared earth will come to a screeching halt on its axis, Paris Hilton will be either canonised or cannon-foddered and Harbhajan Singh would spend an entire season without slapping teammates/abusing opponents/ruffling BCCI lawyers.

But miracles do happen and somehow we all survived despite Australia no more being the numero uno ODI side.

More than anything else, Doosra tends to believe that Punter & Party have been done in by poor luck on more than one occasion and suggests, free of cost, seven lucky charms the Ozzies need to bring the stars back on their side:

1. Beckham’s Goldenbuns: A strange pre-derby ritual takes place at AC Milan these days where teammates squeeze David Beckham’s buns, for it guarantees win! Beckham meanwhile goes down in soccer history as the lone footballer whose legs were not his most valuable physical asset.

2. Shammi Kapoor: Cricket Australia need to make a music album for each tournament and get it released by Shammi Kapur. Come on, it doesn’t cost them a fortune for they already have a crooner in Brett Lee. This ritual has worked wonders for Aamir Khan over the years and no reason why Australia won’t benefit from it.

3. James Carville’s underwear: History remembers Carville – the spin doctor who masterminded Bill Clinton’s successful 1992 presidential campaign. -- didn’t change it for an extended period to ensure success. Ricky Ponting can surely borrow the talismanic piece of cloth from Carville and walk out for toss.

4. Roy Emerson’s shorts: If borrowing/exporting underwear, that too a used one, doesn’t exactly appeal them, there is a ‘shorts-cut’ way and they don’t need to travel all the way to USA either. Aussie tennis legend Roy Emerson used to wear a pair of lucky shorts to extend his winning streak. Why doesn’t Cricket Australia borrow it from ‘Emmo’ and make replicas and dole out?

5. Steve Waugh’s red hanky: The source of the legendary red rag obduracy. Chances are high 'Tugga' threw away the soiled piece of cloth and a neighbourhood Kangaroo chewed it up. Still what’s harm in making a query?

6. Red Shirt on Sundays: No need to get shirty at the suggestion. Ever cared to know secrets of Tiger Woods’ success?

7. Obama’s Trinkets: CA should use the diplomatic channel and ask PM Kevin Rudd to convince Barack Obama to part with his trinkets. (Statutory Warning: The trinkets include idol of a monkey god and hence all precautions should be taken before handing it over to Andrew Symonds.)

Pix: eclectech.co.uk