15 Predictions

1. Stephen Hawking will clamber out of that wheelchair and sheepishly apologise for playing the longest practical joke on us;

2. Osama bin Laden will be found alive somewhere along the Sudan-Uganda border, clean shaven and married happily to a Bantu widow with 12 sons from her previous three marriages;

3. Fashion will go out of fashion;

4. Once done with her adoption spree, Angelina Jolie will stage hunger strike in front of the UN headquarters demanding separate nationhood for her kids;

5. Leonardo DiCaprio will name her son Oscar, realising it’s the only way he can have one;

6. Football will be banned after the supporters of Lionel Messi and Cristiano Ronaldo fight World War III over who is the better player;

7. With nothing left to win in women’s tennis, Serena Williams will play men’s event but would go down to Novak Djokovic in five sets in Wimbledon final;

8. Doctors will reveal Bappi Lahiri’s sunglasses have developed veins and is now only surgically removable;

9. Next UN secretary-general would be a stand-up comedian;

10. Leander Paes will win the 2040 Wimbledon mixed doubles final partnering one of Roger Federer’s twin daughters;

11. One of the south Asian nations will declare Angry Bird as their national bird;

12. Pluto will be reinstated as a planet under ST/SC/OBC/minority/sports quota;

13. India TV will broadcast an exclusive one-on-one with Ajmal Kasab via planchette in which he would deny being served Biryani in Indian jail. Kasab will call it "media propaganda" and vow to break the necks of all misleading journalists, prompting the interviewer to flee studio and the channel to abruptly replace the show with a programme about a ghost which is lactose intolerant;

14. Indian channels will break the exclusive news of Aradhya Bachchan signing her first film against Rajnikant;

15. Kangana Ranaut would reveal she is a cyborg;

7 reasons why cricket is a better game than soccer

1. Soccer is way too abrupt. 90 minutes is what Shoaib Akhtar needs just to complete his run-up, which means his delivery would reach the batsman only in the extra-time!

2. A Warne or a Brett Lee may try their hand at designing underwear but they know where to draw the line. They would not model it themselves even for a dying grandmother, no sir. And there you have Beckham and Ronaldo unabashedly dropping fabrics and making these brief appearances;

3. Cricket’s post-match ritual doesn’t include exchange of stinking, sweaty jerseys. The first thing a footballer presumably does when he gets home is to burn it and bury the ashes in courtyard or clog the neighbour’s drain with it;

4. Cricketers may mistake the umpire for a cloth-hanger but never as a spittoon;

5. FIFA World Cup maybe a coiffeur’s delight but some of the haircuts on display not only border on sacrilege but also threaten to destroy the very social fabric of human civilization;

6. An umpire is not required to blow whistles till his lungs ache to earn his envelop;

7. Cricket coaches don’t make such a colossal ass of themselves on the sideline, jumping in ill-fitting suits like a headless chicken troubled by an ingrown nail;

(P.S Blogging would be irregular till FIFA World Cup ends. Going Port Elizabeth, hoping to watch more than one quarterfinal. Sorry folks, already oversubscribed for vuvuzelas. Will try to post something from there but don't put your money on that possibility. Be right back.)

Sehwag redefines beauty

Beauty lies in the eyes of the beholder. Or something to that effect.

That was by and large what Messrs Shakespeare & Franklin told us and needless to say we took them at face value.

Untangled, the saying basically means you may categorise Paris Hilton as God's unfinished project but there would always be colossal fatheads like Cristiano Ronaldo who would drool over her, even if momentarily.

Or take the vastly polarising act of spitting on others for instance.

While it's generally accepted as one of the five sureshot ways of incurring a black eye, the same act would endear you no end if the other guy happens to speak Maa, worship Engai and live in an Inkajijik somewhere in Masai Mara.

It's a matter of perception, we are told.

Now sample this:

In the dressing room they told me I was hitting the good balls too. But if you look at it my way I hit only the bad ones.

Don't allow the Team India bonhomie con you. Sehwag clearly doesn't see eye-to-eye with his teammates when it comes to the aesthetics of a delivery.

What his teammates perceive as good appears simply rotten to him.

He has redefined batting. Now Sehwag redefines beauty.

Let's get the saying right. Lack of beauty lies in the eyes of the beholder.

(P.S. Revisit the 7 tenets of Sehwag's batting)