India reacts to Laxman’s retirement: Doosra post from JAIL!

1. Harbhajan Singh: Sad, we should send Andrew Symonds to talk Laxman out of retirement. You know who drove sense back into Laxman in Ramayana, don’t you?

2. Virat Kohli: Sh*t Happens!

3. Shivpal Yadav: Laxman consulted me and I told him you can quit international cricket a bit but don't quit Ranji.

4. Madhura Honey aka Nagendra: Oh hell, I didn’t know he would quit. Else could have gatecrashed his press conference.

5. Sania Mirza: Another Hyderabadi has been used as a bait! It’s an insult to womanhood.

6. Anu Malik: I’m told Laxman has got a great Inner Voice. Can we have him in Indian Idol?

7. Manmohan Singh: Laxman’s retirement is a rumour with its origin somewhere in Pakistan and I appeal to people from northeast not to panic;

8. Arun Jaitley: People are missing the woods for the trees here. The real issue is there was a powercut during Laxman’s press conference and Congress is trying to use Laxman’s retirement as a ruse to divert our attention from a larger issue;

9. ..... finally the JAIL bit. Well, Doosra wanted Manata Banerjee’s view on the subject and had merely asked the harmless question : "Didi, how do you react to Laxman’s retirement?" Within seconds, one was frogmarched out of the house and into a jail, the location of which would be shared once known.

India's Post-Olympic Medals!

So the Mayor Dangling Ceremony, aka London Olympics, is finally behind us. Look over your shoulder and you still can see the blurred blob.

While countries such as US, China and the consortium called Great Britain prepare to exercise their global bragging rights, India returned with six medals from London.

Away from media glare, there was another medal giving ceremony where Indians who made their mark in London were suitably rewarded.

So ladies, gentlemen and otherwise, the winners are...

1. The Conspiracy Theorist Medal: Archery coach Limba Ram. For suggesting rivals used black magic and witchcraft to jinx Indian archers;

2. Redefining Indian Geography Medal: Amitabh Bachchan. For congratulating Mary Kom, the boxer from...well...Assam! To be fair to him, he promptly apologised and corrected himself. Most Indians qualify for this award anyway;

3. Serendipity Medallion: Vishnu Vardhan. Apparently, when you want something, the universe conspires to help you achieve that. Vishnu was plucked out of nowhere and thrown in the doubles mix only because Leander Paes and Mahesh Bhupathi fought like two wet cats over a dead rat. As if it was not enough, Philipp Kohlschreiber took the pain of pulling his hamstring to shove Vishnu into the singles main draw. Such was his luck that Vishnu mistakenly consumed pesticide but it turned out to be Coca Cola;

4. Gatecrasher Society's Personality of the Year Medal: Madhura Honey aka Nagendra. She ghosted her way past security guards and led Indian contingent in the Opening Ceremony in one of the lasting mysteries of the 21st century that would haunt Sebastian Coe for the rest of his life;

5. Fastest-Finger-First Medal: Ajay Maken. Mr Maken has significantly raised the bar for all Sports Minister, camping in London and tweeting as if there is no tomorrow;

6. Mike Tyson Spirit of the Game Medal: Sushil Kumar. For biting part of his Kazakh opponent's ear and keeping it as an Olympics souvenir;

7. International Angler's Society's Special Medal: Sania Mirza. For offering herself as a bait in the Paes-Bhupathi row;

8. Chilli Powder Manufacturers Association’s Special Medal: Mahesh Bhupathi & Rohan Bopanna. Bhupathi had bloodshot eyes after his doubles defeat and Bopanna said it was chilli powder;

9. Shahid Afridi Hollow Threat Medal: Vijay Kumar. For threatening to quit army if denied promotion.

Gathered: 6 Mean Thoughts On Sania Mirza's Predicament

1. Sania Mirza first got wild card. Sania Mirza then got wild.

2. Sania Mirza's real predicament: Shoaib Malik is the reality, Mahesh Bhupathi the desire and Leander Paes the compulsion;

3. AITA used Sania Mirza as a bait because they tried Leander Paes first but even the fishes won't come anywhere near him;

4. Sania Mirza is likely to be refused entry at every fish spa. "You said you've been used as bait. What if the fishes eat your toe?"

5. Shoaib Malik insists Sania Mirza should accompany him on a fishing trip. He heard Sania was used as a bait;

6. Sania Mirza slammed AITA, Vece Paes, Leander Paes and others with so much vigour and all alone that WTA has recognised it as her first singles Grand Slam.

Scoop: Srikkanth-Harbhajan tele-conversation

Indian classical singers often do it.

It looks like someone trying to scratch the itch when the reverential thumb and the equally respectful index finger gently rise to ceremoniously touch -- and strictly not press, says the manual -- the earlobe when the Guru's name is to be uttered.

It's a similarly earlobe-touching occasion as Doosra pays tribute to the Murdoch family that has taken phone-hacking to a new level, setting a benchmark that posterity would struggle to match.

Upholding the same spirit, Doosra serves you hot the spicy telephone interaction that took place between chief Indian selector Krish Srikkanth and axed spinner Harbhajan Singh.

Excerpts:

Srikkanth: HelloIsThisTeamIndiaHotel?

Harbhajan: Oye Khote Da Puttar! Ordered butter chicken two hours back and you are calling now instead of delivering it? Go and cook it fast. And when you have made the dish, ask yourself “Have I Made It Large?”...because I’m very hungry and can eat an entire poultry farm.

Srikkanth: HeyYouHabsoluteSonOfAGun…ThisIsChikaHere.

Harbhajan: O Teri Ki! Chicken? Did you say Chicken? You mean you are the chicken I ordered? I can’t believe it! I’m talking to the chicken I’m going to eat! What a hotel!

Srikkanth: I’mGoingToEatYouMoron…ThisIsChikaAndNotChicken.

Harbhajan: O Teri! Chika Sir. Sorry sir...made a mistake.

Srikkanth:ImadeAMistake...SelectedAHabsoluteMoronWhoThinksHe’sSpeakingToAChickenHeIsGoingToEat….WhatDoYouThinkYouAre….DrDoolittle?

Harbhajan: Do little? I could do little sir. The pitches here are not spinning at all. Only thing that spins is my head sir. So tough.

Srikkanth: YouBowledCrapInTheSecondTest… WantedToKickYou...Don’tRememberAnyoneBowlingSoMuchFilth…

Harbhajan: Don’t remember? Memory loss? I know sir, happens with ages. Our coach Fletcher also has this problem. He met Sania Mirza and said “Don’t tell me you have a 40-year-son who will be India’s next Prime Minister!”. Hahaha...

Srikkanth: YouBrainDeadBowledHabsolutelyNegativeInTheSecondTest..

Harbhajan: Strategy sir, strategy. You remember how I bowled in the first test?

Srikkanth: HabsolutlyRememberHagainYouBowledNegativeLine.

Harbhajan: Exactly sir. Haven’t you heard sir that two negatives make a positive?

Srikkanth: WhatCrap...YouThinkI’mMadOrWhat? Ican’tTakeItAnymore...YouAreSackedFromOnedayTeamAndI’llMakeSureYouAreNotAllowedWithin10kmOfDressingRoom...YouHabsolutelyMoronHaveNoIdeaHowBigAHoleYouAreIn…

Harbhajan: Have I made it a large, sir?

Shahid Afridi’s Secret Diary: Wishing Shoaib

I’m again joy like nobody’s business. What is the because? Well, finally Shoaib Malik divorced the girl he called sister and he goed on to merry Sania Mirza, whom he fortunately doesn’t call his sister.

I called him and wished him many, many happy returns of the day. No idea why he not likening it and banged the phone. Lacks mannerism, I think.

But I not blaming him. Ayesha, Maha, Sayali, Sania…waise toh sabka Malik ek hai. But it was implicated like nobody’s business. Goed through hell. Poor chap. And had to give Rs 61 lakh haq mehr to Sania. Now you knowed why I called him poor chap.

But if you questioning me, I short of liken Shoaib. He looks like a idiot, talks like a idiot and plays like a idiot. But inside, he is a 24-carrot genteel man. Inside dressing room, he is chewing carrots all the time in a corner, never throwing ten-trams like the other Shoaib.

I’m doubtless he was victim of some kind of something that ends with piracy…what you call it?...got it...conspiracy.

So I’m joy his trouble is finally over and they now can settle in Gulf. After all, all’s well that ends in oil and you don’t have more oil outside Gulf.

Reading Between Lines: What Afridi meant when he said...

"Since he has gone to India he must now bring his bride home."

1. We had advised the moron not to walk into the outstretched arms of the Hyderabad Police but then fools keep rushing in where angels fear to tread;

2. Better you rot in a dungeon in Hyderabad than thinking of returning empty-handed. The message is loud and clear. Bring home the bacon, no excuse please;

3. Your silly affair has snowballed into an issue of national prestige and you must return with a bride by side. Nub of the matter is, Pakistan will not open its door to a single Shoaib;

4. Just bring home a bride, you halfwit and we won’t nitpick. Ayesha, Maha, Sayali, Sania…anything will do;

5. I have a bet with Misbah-ul-Haq that Shoaib would land up marrying none of the four girls mentioned above. My money is on Rakhi Sawant to win ‘Shoaib ka Swayambar’ in one of the Indian channels.

7 cricketers who deserve Doctorate, à la Dr Sania Mirza

As UN names an Intergovernmental Panel to figure out what really provoked the MGR Educational and Research Institute University, Chennai to accord Doctorate on Sania Mirza, Doosra lists seven Indian contemporary cricketers who thoroughly deserve the prefix.
1. Dr Sachin Tendulkar: For his contribution to medical science. Tennis elbow came into being only after Tendulkar was diagnosed with it. Currently, he is playing the game with his second shoulder, third elbow, fourth knee cap and…Also for staying on course to sharing the dressing room with son Arjun.

2. Dr Yuvraj Singh: For his generous contribution to astronomy. NASA scientists just revealed that the six-star constellation over the southern tip of the African continent is actually the six sixes Yuvraj hit off a Stuart Broad over in the Twenty20 World Cup. Scientists blame Yuvi’s fury to the hapless bowler’s father who insists another Doctorate cricketer from Punjab's fertile land, Dr Harbhajan Singh, is a javelin thrower.

3. Dr Harbhajan Singh: For his expertise in Escapology. Throughout his career. Dr Singh displayed an amazing ability to dig a hole for himself and eventually clambering out of it, often creating a crisis that threatened to split the cricket globe.

4. Dr Gautam Gambhir: In recognition of his die-hard optimism that he can do any bodily harm to someone like Shane Watson.

5. Dr MS Dhoni: For covering the entire gamut of coifing and unfailingly coming up with thematic, series-specific hairdos.

6. Dr Virat Kohli: A product of the MSD School of Thought, people need to recognize his state of the head. Come hell or high water, or even a catch in his direction, Dr Kohli always ensured his spiked tuft is intact before making a dash. Upset with the existing helmets, he apparently has sought one with a slit in the middle.

7. Dr Munaf Patel: For his deep understanding of the South African culture and ability to laugh at the popular siSwati, Xitsonga, isiNdebele, isiXhosa and isiZulu jokes cracked by Gary Kirsten and Paddy Upton.

Entering the Dragon: Doosra takes Olympic break

Decks were cleared some six months back and here I’m off to my date with the Dragon. It’s official, for the next 20-0dd days cricket would take the proverbial backseat in my scheme of things.

Beijing beckons.

So, I would not rave about Mendis’ bag of tricks, marvel at Sehwag’s apparent brainlessness, rue Dravid’s comatose batting, ridicule county cricket or lampoon Lalit Modi.

Instead, my focus would be on how much punch Akhil Kumar can pack in the ring, if Rajyavardhan Singh Rathore’s gun goes off for glory again and if Leander Paes and Mahesh Bhupathi can create that old magic to finish on the podium.

And I would love to see Sania Mirza proving she is more than just the Czarina of Foofaraw. And hope Anju Bobby George will rise to the occasion, both literally and in the true sense of the term.

A medal might be daydreaming but I would want the women’s 4x400m relay team to give others a good run for their money and medal and plead to Monika Devi, lone Indian weightlifter, that we surely don’t want another doping stigma.

Thanks to a watchmaker, I’m also set to meet the James Bond girls, Cindy Crawford, Alexander Popov and Ian ‘Thorpedo’ – that missing link between man and fish. I guess it makes a heady concoction and retaining sanity would probably my biggest challenge.

So, friends, Romans and countrymen, please bear with me and come back again. I’m not sure if I can post – about Olympics if not cricket – before August 26 but don’t desert me. See you all.