Gathered: 6 Mean Thoughts On Sania Mirza's Predicament

1. Sania Mirza first got wild card. Sania Mirza then got wild.

2. Sania Mirza's real predicament: Shoaib Malik is the reality, Mahesh Bhupathi the desire and Leander Paes the compulsion;

3. AITA used Sania Mirza as a bait because they tried Leander Paes first but even the fishes won't come anywhere near him;

4. Sania Mirza is likely to be refused entry at every fish spa. "You said you've been used as bait. What if the fishes eat your toe?"

5. Shoaib Malik insists Sania Mirza should accompany him on a fishing trip. He heard Sania was used as a bait;

6. Sania Mirza slammed AITA, Vece Paes, Leander Paes and others with so much vigour and all alone that WTA has recognised it as her first singles Grand Slam.

Shahid Afridi’s Secret Diary: Wishing Shoaib

I’m again joy like nobody’s business. What is the because? Well, finally Shoaib Malik divorced the girl he called sister and he goed on to merry Sania Mirza, whom he fortunately doesn’t call his sister.

I called him and wished him many, many happy returns of the day. No idea why he not likening it and banged the phone. Lacks mannerism, I think.

But I not blaming him. Ayesha, Maha, Sayali, Sania…waise toh sabka Malik ek hai. But it was implicated like nobody’s business. Goed through hell. Poor chap. And had to give Rs 61 lakh haq mehr to Sania. Now you knowed why I called him poor chap.

But if you questioning me, I short of liken Shoaib. He looks like a idiot, talks like a idiot and plays like a idiot. But inside, he is a 24-carrot genteel man. Inside dressing room, he is chewing carrots all the time in a corner, never throwing ten-trams like the other Shoaib.

I’m doubtless he was victim of some kind of something that ends with piracy…what you call it?...got it...conspiracy.

So I’m joy his trouble is finally over and they now can settle in Gulf. After all, all’s well that ends in oil and you don’t have more oil outside Gulf.

Reading Between Lines: What Afridi meant when he said...

"Since he has gone to India he must now bring his bride home."

1. We had advised the moron not to walk into the outstretched arms of the Hyderabad Police but then fools keep rushing in where angels fear to tread;

2. Better you rot in a dungeon in Hyderabad than thinking of returning empty-handed. The message is loud and clear. Bring home the bacon, no excuse please;

3. Your silly affair has snowballed into an issue of national prestige and you must return with a bride by side. Nub of the matter is, Pakistan will not open its door to a single Shoaib;

4. Just bring home a bride, you halfwit and we won’t nitpick. Ayesha, Maha, Sayali, Sania…anything will do;

5. I have a bet with Misbah-ul-Haq that Shoaib would land up marrying none of the four girls mentioned above. My money is on Rakhi Sawant to win ‘Shoaib ka Swayambar’ in one of the Indian channels.

Crime and Punishment II

PCB wants us to believe that the Greenshirts are basically a cloak-and-dagger society. And that the innocent pastimes of its denizens include spiking each other’s drink, garnishing a teammate’s salad with generous sprinkling of potassium cyanide and frequent negotiations with the upcoming hit-man of the neighbourhood with the photo of a teammate in pocket.

Priceless drivel!

Doosra reveals the actual crimes of the Sullied Seven of Pakistan Cricket and also suggests suitable alternative punishments.

1. Younis Khan:

Crime: Tendency to quit captaincy at the drop of the hat.

Punishment: PCB should once again place the skipper’s cap on his head, having dipped its inside in Fevicol this time.

2. Mohd Yousuf: 

Crime: Inability to convert starts into big knocks.

Punishment: Should be forced to keep converting, from Islam to Falun Gong, from Falun Gong to Pow-wow, from Pow-wow to Seicho-no-Ie…the idea is to keep going.

3. Shoaib Malik:

Crime: Lack of commitment.

Punishment: Should be forced to marry, this time in person, the Hyderabadi girl he had once reportedly married over phone before remorselessly selling her down the river. Once you learn the value of commitment in personal life, it automatically spills over to cricket.

4. Rana Naved-ul-Hasan:

Crime: Wearing the ugliest wig in cricket.

Punishment: Should be made to share a dormitory with Lasith Malinga till an inferiority complex gets the better of his sang-froid.

5. Shahid Afridi:

Crime: Borrowing opium from Asif that led to a hallucination in which a cricket ball appeared as an apple.

Punishment: His daily net session should begin with 500mg of unalloyed Tamarind juice, a proved antidote, shoved down his protesting throat.

6. Kamran Akmal:

Crime: Trying to give the impression that orthodontic brace industry simply doesn’t exist in Pakistan.

Punishment: His contract should have an additional clause empowering PCB to use his dental excess for outdoor advertising.

7.Umar Akmal:

Crime: Putting brotherly love ahead of team interest.

Punishment: Should be asked to memorise the full name of the Fijian cricketer IL Bula and write it 10 times before he is allowed in the nets. (By the way, Bula’s surname is Talebulamainavaleniveivakabulaimainakulalakebalau)

Will Pak players raise their hands, please?

Now that IPL is in its adolescence, stock-taking seems an irresistible idea. But hang on, will the Pakistani players please raise their hands, and possibly their game too?

Intriguingly, the T20 World Cup finalists have not set the IPL alight. On the contrary, barring the possible exception of Asif, none of the Pakistani players pass muster. What happened to the T20 World Cup finalists?

If headline-hogging is made the yardstick, I think the only Pakistani who really made some mark is Shoaib ‘Will-He-Won’t-He’ Akhtar.

Let’s delve into the details on a case-by-case, and occasionally nutcase-by-nutcase, basis.

Among the KKR trio, Salman Butt got a look-in against Rajasthan but the sight of Sohail Tanveer probably made him emotional and he could not deny the fellow Pakistani a wicket. No wonder Butt made all the effort to drag the ball onto his stumps.

To be fair, Butt still can lay a legitimate claim that he did not get enough matches, an excuse Mohammad Hafeez can’t afford. Four matches and the Pakistani young gun is still firing blank.

Worst is the case with Umar Gul, who clearly shot himself in the foot with his candour that Ganguly has miles to go before he can replicate his success as India’s ODI and Test captain in this format. Criticising your own skipper, especially when he’s struggling to digest a hat-trick of defeats, doesn’t make Gul an ideal candidate for any diplomatic job but my suspicion is he wanted to prove that post-retirement, he is a commentator material.

Meanwhile, of the Rajasthan Royals trio, Younis Khan is phantom, while Kamran Akmal’s contribution hardly goes beyond his toothy appeal. No wonder Tanveer is wearing a smug smile.

In the Delhi Daredevils camp, Shoaib Malik has been cagey and he treats every bowler as if his alleged Indian father-in-law. Asif, on his part, looks shrinking under Glenn McGrath’s widening shadow.

And no prize for guessing who takes the cake. We have seen enough mopping of hair. Can we have some action, please, Afridi?

But you can’t really fault Misbah if he looks a miserable misanthropist. As someone pointed out, he’s the guy behind the razzmatazz. Had he not scooped that shot in the T20 World Cup final, had not India won the title, had it not triggered frenzy in India, IPL would not have been a reality after all.

But such is the plight of the Bangalore Royal Challengers – no prize for guessing Charu Sharma is their CEO – that they had to bench Misbah. Now that Ross Taylor is gone, Misbah gets his rightful place and I feel he might turn out to be Pakistan’s redemption man.

Image: AFP

Return of the Rogue

Poor Shoaib Malik must be a tense man. His blue print for a revival in Pakistan’s fortune has been jolted with the selectors bringing back the rogue called Shoaib Akhtar. Malik can’t be blamed if he files an affidavit tomorrow, seeking a rechristening. After all, the Shoaibs are, to borrow the cliché, poles apart.

Under Malik, Pakistan cricket seemed ready to shrug off the baggage of its past and the nightmare of a World Cup, in which they lost personal and collective reputations, apart from their coach.

Akhtar’s return is enough to upset any plan whatsoever. With him in the ranks, no total is enough to defend and in ODIs, he means swelling extras and the risk of slow over-rate, thanks to his spectacular run up. As batsman and fielder, Shoaib means the think-tank would have the additional work to hide him in the batting order or out there in the field.

Akhtar has been an incredibly selfish player, who never hesitated to put his personal goal before team’s interest. Seduced by the speedgun, he refuses to shorten his almost never-ending run-up, throwing team interest out of the window. He is there only to put up a show and throw his varied tantrums. He is like a corn that pains Pakistan cricket in every step and hampers its progress.

A rogue with scant respect for others, Shoaib is not the cricketer any coach would want his wards to idolize. He is so enamoured by the show that he forgot substance. Everything he laid his fingers on, turned a huge mess. His presence is often disturbing and he has, time and again, vitiated dressing room atmosphere.

If Malik’s appointment was a step in the right direction, Pakistani selectors undid the good work the moment they thought about Akhtar’s comeback. Malik has seen his tantrums from close quarter and deep inside, he must have abhorred the idea of sharing the dressing room with a teammate with the mindset of a street urchin.

Even his staunch critic can’t accuse Shoaib of being disciplined and the “Rawalpindi Express” always considered himself larger than team, and occasionally, than the game itself.

Cricket in general and Pakistani cricket in particular will be well off without pretenders like Akhtar. Malik is expected to do a Hercules and clear the Augean’ stable called Pakistan cricket. Going by his potentials and temperament, the youngster would surely give it a best shot. But the mere presence of Akhtar is enough to scuttle any such bid. High time Pakistani selectors realized that Akhtar is not worth his tantrums.

Image: AFP

PCB sounds out John Wright for coach’s job

Both India and Pakistan had their share of ignominy in the World Cup. But while BCCI decided to go with the flow, its Pakistani counterpart has clearly stole the march with a slew of measures with an eye on the future.

Trust the politically correct BCCI to strike a balance between the star system it maintains and the popular demands. Their quick-fix solution to World Cup disaster was convincing Ravi Shastri to be the makeshift manager, tagging along Venkatesh Prasad (bowling coach) and Robin Singh (fielding coach).

In contrast, Pakistan has appointed the underrated Shoaib Malik as the ODI captain, put a paid selection committee in place and now is in talks with John Wright for the coach’s job.

PCB is impressed with Wright’s excellent record with Team India and Wright is not apparently averse to return to the sub-continent.

"Wright's response was good. The board is also looking at another foreigner, Tim Boon, coach of Leicestershire, as a possible candidate," one PCB source said.

Aaqib Javed, meanwhile, remains the front-runner if PCB goes for a Pakistani for the job.

Shoaib Malik: The Boy Set To Become the King

So, it’s not overtly religious Joseph John...err…Yousuf Youhana…err…Mohammad Yousuf; nor it is the abysmally untalented but incredibly effective Shahid Afridi. Post-World Cup disaster, Pakistan is about to anoint Shoaib Malik as its new ODI captain.

This is far from the best of times for Pakistan cricket. They have returned pauper from the World Cup in Caribbean, losing their reputations, both personal and collective, and their coach too. Described by Peter Roebuck as “an uneasy combination of rogues and zealots”, the Pakistan side looks like a forlorn ship, sans radar, sailors and logistics and bobbing in troubled water.

It’s no easy to maintain sanity amid the madness that Pakistan cricket finds itself in. But Pakistan Cricket Board (PCB), despite all its ills, deserves a pat in the back for picking Shoaib.

I remember meeting the rather reticent Shoaib in Dharamshala in 2005 when Pakistan played its tour opener against an Indian Board President XI. Dharamshala is the most beautiful cricket stadium never likely to see a full match, thanks to the veil of cloud always hovering over the ground and I buttonholed him during one of the rain-interruptions.

Shoaib was going through a bad phase. His elbow had gone under the knife for the second time to correct his action and future looked bleak after twice called for a suspect action.

“So what next? How you plan to keep yourself afloat?” I asked. He said in chaste Hindi, “Koshish Karunga, zarurat ho to wicket-keeping bhi kar lunga. (Will try my best, would don the keeper’s gloves, if needed).” And he had the backing of his coach, a certain Bob Woolmer, who also felt that given his commitment, the youngster had it in him to excel wherever he wanted.

Since then, Shoaib only grew in stature. But same was not the case with the side. Under Inzamam-ul Haq, they prayed more and playing less. Inzy’s men looked more like Tablighi Jamaat than Men in Green, leaving Woolmer exasperated.

In contrast to his captain, Shoaib clearly doesn't believe in overdoing things. he is no atheist but he has got his priority right. Remember, he married an Indian girl, Ayesha Siddiqui, in a ceremony conducted by an Islamic cleric over the telephone from Pakistan.

Clearly one of the most under-rated players of his age, Shoaib has batted in every position and has proved himself as one of the most cerebral batsmen of his era. He does not have Afridi’s brute force or Yousuf’s defence but Pakistan owes many a win to the youngster whose maturity goes far beyond his age. Maybe it's in Shoaib that Pakistan has found the leader it was searching for.