Mohali Test...Day 5

1052: What do you do when fog delaying start of play becomes a ritual? Tendulkar works on a doosra (No big deal, I too work on a Doosra anyway), Laxman realises he can send down decent medium pace stuff, Botham fools around, Harmison comes off a self-imposed exile to make a rare pubilc appearance and Anderson proves his dexterity and tries left-arm spin.

1157: The imposter out there in Gambhir's garb is trying to inherit the slur from Mudassar Nazar. Mudassar took 557 minutes to score his century against England. Luckily, however, Gambhir won't have as much time at his disposal.

1307: Lunch down their throat, Yuvraj and Gambhir walk out to bat again! Dhoni in no mood to declare. Flintoff can't believe it and asks the batsmen if they are serious. So Mudassar need not lose all hopes.

1522: I'm straining my eyes to see if Dravid is marshalling the field at the fag end of the match. Didn't Dhoni have that sort of farewell for Ganguly? Remember, Dravid too scored a Bradmanesque duck here. To my disappointment, I see Amit Mishra setting field. Nay, Kumble has just left, way too premature for Mishra.

1953: A convert KP sung 'pie-chucker' Yuvraj's praise in the press conference. "One of the cleanest strikers of the ball, his sixes leave me dumbfounded," he gushed. But then pie-chucker? "Come on, little bit of fun and banter doesn't do any harm," he said. Dhoni said he would love to have some more pie-chuckers. MSD also thanked the Poms for returning for the series to prove India is safe post-Mumbai mayhem.

Ind vs Eng ODI Live Update from Kanpur

0827: Welcome to WNWSACWR (What Neo Won't Show and Cricinfo Won't Report). Waking up groggy at ungodly hours and making your way through a maze of security is never easy. Some people still retain their zeal-- like Ravi Shastri out there, trying to flirt with the Neo babe, the neonate in cricket broadcasting.

0837: The guy (I mean Guy the Gorrilla) who wanted to sent his mom-in-law to Pakistan is out there. Sir Ian Terence Botham, OBE, just had a brief discussion with Kevin Peter Pietersen, MBE, in the middle. Beefy looks in good shape but you can't say the same about England. I reckon KP was trying to woo him out of retirement. Considering the shellacking Broad & Co received in Indore and Rajkot, it can't get worse.

0844: Talking about in-laws, a certain Sunny Gavaskar was denied entry in the team hotel last night. Sunny's wife hails from Kanpur and he is certainly not the first son-in-law to get such cold treatment from his sasural. Also saw Sunny Sir admiring a new hat but there was time when he was wearing quite a few of them.

0900: Laxmanshivaramkrishnan, Gavaskar and David Lloyd stand together facing the camera. Looks like a fairness cream commercial that improves your complexion in three stages.

0909: Shastri and Rajiv Shukla bridge the gap between their statures and engage in a neck-spraining discussion. One has grown vertically and the other just expanded horizontally. I guess Shukla was seeking an explanation from Shastri on Raj Thackeray's drive against the north Indians.

0915: Surrounded by Shastri, Gavaskar, Botham, Shiva and a few of his former peers, Krish Srikkanth takes a nostalgic tour down memory lane and enthusiastically shadow-practises shots before proceeding to study the pitch, something he was never accused of doing in his playing days.

0929: Men in Blue around me. Actually UPCA had freshly painted the chairs in the press box and the Sun reporter just discovered to his horror that the paint has tainted his cream colour troussers. A colleague of him takes a snap of the tainted bottom and I expect colourful copies in the British press tomorrow. Meanwhile, it leads to a strange spectacle in the press box where guys ask each other to have a look at their bums. They may be fierce professional rivals but you have to appreciate their 'Dostana'.

1141: In the press box, Angus Fraser isn't amused with the paint on his troussers, shaking head in disgust and mumbling the unprintables. He wears specs and the glasses are really thick and powerful. If he wants, he can take one off here and burn a hole in Russell Tiffen's troussers out there in the middle.

1211: Flintoff fell to Yusuf Pathan and another Great Indian Huddle. I was always intrigued what they discuss in the huddle? Should be their unparliamentary emotions which they otherwise can't express in front of the umpires or near the stump microphones.

1239: Bopara back, Samit Patel and Owais Shah waging grim battle and Monty Panesar is being missed. Can we have a true blue English team, please?

1529: India trying to snatch defeat from the jaws of victory. Complacency? Boredom? spiked drink? voodoo? Curse of Punter?

Of catcalls, monkey chants, Guy the Gorilla and Incredible India!

Well, finally the ill-tempered Ind-Aus ODI series is over. While the BCCI, Cricket Australia and ICC dwell on the degree of racism, I’ve been taken aback by the discrimination displayed by cricket players and administrators towards the animal kingdom at large!

Reams have been written about monkey chants and reporters/columnists foamed in the mouth explaining how racist it was. But did anyone bother to spare a thought for the hapless monkeys?

For starters, catcalls are not considered compliments, but why is it that monkey chants constitute racial abuse? I mean this is a serious prejudice that has in fact the entire monkey species up in arms, knocking the door of the Simian Primates Rights Organisation, demanding an answer.

Much to the monkeys’ dismay, cricketers walk in hoping to have a WHALE of a time out there, commentators’ hail HAWKeye, tailenders are called RABBITS and FERRETS, fielders are positioned in COW corner and the entire Bangladesh team boasts of being the TIGERS. Scratching furiously their heads, the monkeys simply don’t know why cricket has no problems with other animals but all hell breaks loose when it comes to monkeys!

In fact it has been a long-standing injustice that continues to upset the monkeys. Knighted Ian Botham does not object to his nickname Guy the GORRILLA; Arun Lal does not mind being called PIGGY; Ajit Agarkar remains the Mumbai DUCK: and then you have Joel “Big BIRD” Garner, Darren “RHINO” Gough, Anil “JUMBO” Kumble, Clive “Super CAT” Lloyd, Glenn “PIGEON” McGrath, Dave “TADPOLE” Mohammed, Graeme “Little DOG” Pollock, Peter “Big DOG” Pollock…well the list is endless.

And finally, I must share a doubt of mine. Did part of the Indian crowd really intend to insult Andrew Symonds when they hurled those monkey chants and aped the apes at Wankhede? My doubt is that the Australians simply went bananas in this case and before you bay for my headstrong head, let me explain.

Indian culture is a marriage of tradition and modernity and hence vulnerable to misinterpretation by ill-informed critics. Well, first get our basics right. Man’s evolution from monkey is something taught in schools and I believe therein lies the secret.

Well, those who know Hindi know that “Are, Yeh To Baap Nikla!” is a compliment of highest order by an awestruck speaker, which literally would mean “Gosh! He Proved Our Father” but would actually mean,”He proved who’s the boss.”

Andrew Symonds has been the batting mainstay for Australia in the series against India and when he came to bat in the last ODI at Wankhede, two gentlemen – bona fide ambassadors of Indian culture – aped monkeys to imply “Are Yeh To Baap Se Bhi Aage (which means forefathers= monkeys) Nikla”.

Now if that tribute is misconstrued as racial abuse, one can only hope that next time other teams visit India, they just get versed with the culture here to avoid any misunderstanding about Incredible India.

Image: Getty Images

Tongue-in-Cheek and Foot-in-Mouth

(Usual suspect: McGrath exchanging pleasantries with Sarwan)


.....You don't want people saying to your kids, 'Your father is a bastard': Glenn McGrath

For some, sanity prevails late, but it does prevail in the end. Anyway, better late than never. Glenn McGrath suddenly woke up to a reality and says he does not want the world to remember him as a sledger.

This is what Pigoen said at the fag end of his career:

"You don't want people saying to your kids, 'Your father is a bastard'. I'm playing cricket because I love it, and if I'm out there getting angry all the time that's not what it's about. The times when I did blow up I used to regret it afterwards …"

Surprisingly, a sickly tribe still insists sledging is more a problem with the sub-continent countries which often fail to realise the culturtal difference and try to blow it out of proportion. Hopefully Pigeon’s admission would help them regain sanity.

Incidentally, McGrath is not the lone Aussie larrikin, Justin Langer too is disturbed by the menace.

"I don't believe in it (sledging) and it is something that has disturbed me over the years, particularly when Glenn McGrath and Ramnaresh Sarwan were involved in an ugly incident in 2003."

Punter, howeber, does not buy Pigeon’s theory. On the contrary, Ricky Ponting in fact ridiculed Langer's No Sledge Pledge.

"There must be two Justin Langers in the world I think. I don't know what's happened there. But I know the little fella was never too far away from it if something was going on."

Anyway, we take this opportunity to recall some of the sideshows that went along the cricket matches. Here goes some choicest expletives…A Perfect 10 for you.

1. Glenn McGrath v Eddo Brandes:

Pigeon was bowling to the Zimbabwe number 11 and Brandes’s bat was nowhere near the ball. A frustrated McGrath yelled "Why are you so fat?" Not to be outdone, Brandes replied,"Because every time I make love to your wife, she gives me a biscuit."

2. Viv Richards vs Greg Thomas:

Thomas, the Glamorgan pacer, thought he had won the battle after beating King Richards’ bat a couple of times. "It's red, round and weighs about five ounces, in case you were wondering," was his words to the batsman. The next ball duely disappeared over the ropes and Richards replied “Greg, you know what it looks like. Now go and find it."

3. Merv Hughes vs Robin Smith:

This one followed the same script. The Big Bad Hughes had beaten Smith a couple of times in the 1989 Lord's Test before giving him a piece of his mind. "You can't f***ing bat, mate."

Smith hit the next one for a four and shared his thought. "Hey Merv, we make a fine pair. I can't f***ing bat and you can't f***ing bowl."

4. Rod Marsh vs Ian Botham:

Beefy had just taken guard in the Ashes match when Iron Gloves greeted him saying: "So how's your wife and my kids?"

5. Daryll Cullinan vs Shane Warne:

Warne was licking lips in anticipation when Cullinan, his bunny, was taking guard. Warnie in fact could not resist but inform the Protea that he had been waiting two years for another chance to humiliate him. Cullinan decided he had to won this war. "Looks like you spent it eating" he retorted.

6. Adam Parore vs Daryll Cullinan (my favourite):

Cullinan – having already earned the reputation as Warne's bunny by then – carefully prodded a Chris Harris delivery in the match against New Zealand when Parore yelled "Bowled Warnie!".

7. James Ormond vs Mark Waugh:

Ormond was not particularly impressed during the Ashes tour when Mark Waugh greeted him with these words... "**** me, look who it is. Mate, what are you doing out here? There's no way you're god enough to play for England". Undaunted, Ormond replied: "Maybe not, but at least I'm the best cricketer in my family".

8. Ravi Shastri vs an Aussie 12th man:

Ah, an Indian at last. Ravi Shastri hit one to the fielder and was looking for a single. "If you leave the crease I'll break your ****ing head", the fielder said. Pat came Shastri’s reply, “If you could bat as well as you can talk you wouldn't be the ****ing 12th man".

9. Malcolm Marshall vs David Boon:

An Australian outsledged! A Marshall in his pomp had Boon in all sort of trouble. Finally the pace legend went forward with a proposal: "Now David, are you going to get out now or am I going to have to bowl around the wicket and kill you?"

10. Glen McGrath vs Ramnaresh Sarwan:

Ok, I don’t want my blog to run into trouble. You find it on the net for yourself. Sorry for the inconvenience.