Sachin Tendulkar's 7 Abject Failures

If you want nausea-inducing Tendulkar hagiography, mainstream media is the place to be.

Even as a teary-eyed nation prepares for the farewell match of her favourite son, Doosra has not lost perspective. Leaving the easy eulogy part to others, Doosra gleans seven conspicuous failures of Tendulkar's otherwise glittering cricket career:

1. Never made it to the Delhi University cut-off list, handicapped primarily by the fact that he is not a Delhiite;

2. Not known to have succeeded in buying a tatkal ticket from IRCTC website, despite his short back-lift and flawless follow-through;

3. Could not find a quality hair transplant for chum Vinod Kambli;

4. Failed to convince Swami Agnivesh to drink Livpure water;

5. Could not find a girl for buddy Rahul Gandhi;

6. Never cleared his position on issues including but not confined to - euthanasia, bifurcation of AP and the prolonged bachelorhood of Salman Khan;

7. Never endorsed an edible machine gun which doubles up as a folding bicyle.

When Sachin Tendulkar Stormed Out of Arnab Goswami's News Hour

AG: Welcome to News Hour. My guest today is none other than Sachin Tendulkar. Welcome Sachin.

SRT: Aila! I thought Rahul would go before me! I had to sacrifice a diaper commercial to be here, you know door-knob.

AG: It’s not door-knob, Arnab. I appreciate your sacrifice. Well, let’s get straight to the point. What about retirement?

SRT: Aila, retirement. Ravi would have said ‘Just what the doctor ordered’. We’ll, it’s a good thing. Afridi does it frequently, Advani occasionally. About time I guess. Once you’ve made up your mind, it’s like ‘visa power, go get it’.

AG: Well, I think we have a Breaking News here. For the first time, on a national channel, Sachin Tendulkar utters the R word and sees logic in it. The million dollar questions is - When? The nation wants to know.

SRT: Well, I guess the earlier, the better.

AG: Amazing! This is unreal even for me! So when do you retire? The nation wants to know.

SRT: Aila! Me? You gave me a nasty shock! Why should I? Even Kambli doesn’t joke like that!

AG: What? You said it’s about time and you should go when people say blah blah!

SRT: Aila, nobody asked why I am not quitting!

AG: Mr Tendulkar, the clamour is growing by the hour. Every day cricket experts are appealing you to gracefully retire.

SRT: Appealing everyday? I’ll get the morons sanctioned by ICC for excessive appealing. I had no clue such a campaign is on!

AG: Don’t you read newspapers? Don’t you watch TV? The nation wants to know.

SRT: I’m not so narcissus Mr Goswami.

AG: Narcissus? I don’t get you.

SRT: See, I’m everywhere, peeping out from adverts in every page of every newspaper. And you can’t watch a TV programme without me appearing every 10 seconds. At times I think I’m looking at mirror!

AG: For once, I have to agree. But don’t people you meet daily tell you that you should quit gracefully?

SRT: That’s why you always see me with earphone. You think I listen songs all the time? It’s just to shut that R word out.

AG: But the nation wants to know when Sachin Tendulkar will retire!

SRT: Aila, nation? What nation? Even United Nations dare not ask me that.

AG: Mr Tendulkar, you can’t duck my questions. At News hour tonight, we ask it point blank – when will Sachin Tendulkar retire?

SRT: Aila, this man is like a broken record, won’t let me go without answering this. Ok, I’ll retire at the end of my career.

AG: And when your career ends? Be specific, for the nation wants to know.

SRT: When I’m done with cricket.

AG: Don’t test my non-existent patience Mr Tendulkar. You have nothing else to prove or achieve. Why don’t you realise you have overstayed your welcome?

SRT: Aila, nobody insulted me like this. Wait, my revenge will be postponing my retirement by another five years. Enough is enough. I can’t sit here anymore with a human doorknob.

AG: Err...what! You can’t storm out of an interview like this! This is not done!

SRT: Who are you to stop me? You forgot I’m an MP. We walk out on hourly basis in the parliament. Maybe I I’m still not too late for that diaper commercial. To hell with you and your nation wants to know, you pathetic piece of door-knob...

7 Reactions to Anna Hazare’s Car Being Pelted!

1. Tusshar Kapoor: At times, silence is sin and we have to articulate our anger to make it a better society. I have to say...Eh...eeh ... oh... ooo... Maaayo.. eh... ee... oh... oh.

2. Sachin Tendulkar: Aila. Anna Saab, people will throw stone at you but you have to turn that into milestone.

3. Mamata Banerjee: Why this fuss over a mere stone? It could well have been worse. It could easily have been a cartoon of Anna Saab!

4. Bishan Singh Bedi: As usual, most missed the point. Apart from the fact that modern players earn obscene money, the fact of the matter here is somebody THREW the stone. It means his action was suspect and even a child of two knows Muralitharan chucks! Can’t believe ICC is still sitting idle!

5. S.M.Krishna: Well...err...ummm...As the foreign minister of Pakistan, I condemn the incident from the bottom of my heart...oh hell...it’s Hina Rabbani Khar's speech!

6. Kapil Sibal: Media is blowing it out of proportion. It was a notional stone hurled at a notional car, prompting a national knee-jerk reaction.

6. Virat Kohli: Sh*t Happens!

7. Navjot Singh Sidhu: Oye chha gaya guruuuuu! A man is prone to attracting a stone that can break his bone unless the stone in question, my friend, is a Sharon Stone!

Resolved: Mystery Behind Tendulkar's New Look!

A well-chosen word is worth a thousand pictures. But at times, you probably have to make an exception and post some photos as well.

Let's face it - the end is near. Otherwise, why would someone like Sachin Tendulkar sport that ghastly look that makes every right thinking man cringe in horror?

The question that gnawed us was what prompted this moral decadence?

Doosra decided to get to the bottom of the issue and resurfaced with the startling fact that Tendulkar's new avatar is inspired by Akshay Kumar's look in that epoch-making movie "Action Replay".

7 ways to honour Tendulkar when he hits 100x100

Some MCA moron An honourable union minister has decided to honour Sachin Tendulkar with 100 gold coins if he hits his 100th international century in Mumbai.

It tells us Mumbai dance bars may have shut down but showering cash on performers is an ingrained habit that dies hard.

Square-cutting the crap, Doosra suggests seven really cool ways to honour Tendulkar.

1. "Aila" should replace “Hello” as the universal telephone greeting;

2. US Presidents are judged by their performance in the "First Hundred Days". Subsequent White House occupants should be judged against the same benchmark, which will now be called the "Tendulkar Test";

3. Minnesota, the Land of Ten Thousand (100X100, if you missed the point) Lakes, should change its name to Sachinesota;

4. New thermometers should have a "Tendulkar Point" to denote the boiling temperature of pure water at sea level;

5. "Tennis Elbow" will be called "Tendulkar's Elbow";

6. One of the Indian ordnance factories should be asked to develop a gun with whiskey glass attachment because that’s the only thing Sachin has not endorsed so far;

7. Postal department should issue a stamp in Tendulkar’s honour with Kambli’s photo on the other side which requires spitting.

Pandit Sachin Ramesh Tendulkar and @&#$%* Sehwag

Sehwag hums bhajan. Tendulkar croons Dire Straits numbers. Just shows the protégé and the mentor are not necessarily peas of the same ipod.

Apart from being in the same bowler-butchering-business, their common grounds run out fast.

When Tendulkar speaks, you start believing he either doesn't have a tongue or an opinion. Diplomatic circumlocution at its best, critics put it rather harshly.

Sehwag, on the other hand, belongs to the school of thought that advocates tongue-wagging comes strictly under Heart's sole jurisdiction and Brain would do well to take a walk.

When Tendulkar opens his mouth, trust him not to put a foot wrong. When Sehwag opens his, it's mostly to accommodate his own upwardly mobile restless foot.

So while Tendulkar continues to bolster his post-retirement case for the sensitive job of Indian High Commissioner in Washington or Islamabad, Sehwag doesn't seem fit for even Dhaka.

Even Dhaka! Certainly not Dhaka, especially after his ordinary-side gaffe!

In stark contrast, The Tendulkar Cult grew in strength and opened its Bangladesh chapter after the Master Magnanimous went to the Tigers’ dressing room and blessed the awe-struck cubs.

Have you seen a Hindustani classical singer in the process of uttering the name of his Guru? A light of veneration gleams in his eyes as he raises a polite hand to touch the earlobe with unalloyed veneration.

Next time India returns to Bangladesh, I can see the Tigers doing the same whenever they refer to Tendulkar. 'It's Sachin Ramesh Tendulkar,' they would point out with a silent rebuke.

As for Sehwag, well, I'm afraid it would be just the surname, preceded by a largely unparliamentary assortment of crossbones, asterisks, skulls, stars and practically what not!

Kanpur Test Day 1: My 7 suspects

1. The cake Amit Mishra -- he turned 27 today even though his look suggests 72 -- received from team management had 'Happy-Birthday-Omit' written across it;

2. "Sorry Bhai" is the Bollywood movie that pretty much sums up Pragyan Ojha's feeling towards Amit Mishra;

3. The only explanation of Sri Lanka's frequent dropping of anything flying off Sehwag's bat is -- they consider it below their dignity. They steadfastly refused in Ahmedabad till one accidentally got stuck to Angelo Mathews' reluctant palm. Here too Mahela dropped Sehwag on duck before Dilshan caught him. And that because Sehwag happens to be Dilshan's Delhi Daredevils comrade;

4. After their union in Ahmedabad, the Jayawardenes clicked in Kanpur as well. Well, this time for India, by collaborating to spill Sehwag on zero;

5. The secret behind Sehwag's uncharacteristic patience is Dhoni's threat to make him write Welegedara's full name -- Uda Walawwe Mahim Bandaralage Chanaka Asanga Welegedara -- 10 times if he got out early;

6. Harbhajan Singh's mild throat infection had the team management worried because they know his real craft lies in his larynx;

7. When Sehwag said Gambhir is the best Indian opener since Gavaskar, he meant Srikkanth was a motormouth madcap, Ganguly an ill-tempered mule and Tendulkar a petulant holy cow.

A profane post

It's potentially a fatwa-inviting post. A heresy, a sacrilege beyond redemption. But then someone had to say it I guess.

Just too much of saccharine, this Tendulkar20 business.

Deep inside, the Little Master himself must be embarrassed by the mindless hysteria he finds himself in and around him.

His fawning fans in the media have made such a vulgar song and dance of his 20 years in international cricket that I won't be surprised if he comes up with his own version of Karl Marx’s Thank-God-I'm-Not-A-Marxist renouncement.

When someone like Ravi Shastri advocates blanket imprisonment for every Tendulkar critic, you suspect fascism trying to stage a comeback with cricket as its vehicle.

Raj Thackeray can sleep peacefully. Indian cricket is in safe hands.

Elsewhere, the abysmal chumps in the media are foaming at the mouth, trying to convince us how longevity is the lone hallmark of greatness.

You wonder if they have heard about Wilfred Rhodes who had a 31-year-old international career and there are around 14 others as well who lingered for more than 20 years.

A humbug columnist questioned if any other player had hauled a nation from the depth of its sorrow like Tendulkar did by dedicating a century to the Mumbai terror victims.

While a heart-warming gesture it definitely was, the columnist apparently forgot Don Bradman had lifted the entire Australian spirit from the aftermath of the 'Great Depression'.

To be fair to Tendulkar, it's difficult to imagine him appreciating this sick media rush to usurp the milestone and milk some mileage. For, in this avalanche of feel-good interviews and familiar ego-massaging gibberish, objectivity has been sacrificed at the altar of sycophancy.

No sincere effort to gauge why two decades were not enough to silence claims that he did not win enough matches while the likes of Brian Lara won series on their own.

Reams spent on his 175 in Hyderabad against Australia, and rightly so, but not a single honest question on why he played that ugly, irresponsible shot completely unbecoming of a player of his stature.

Or for that matter, what about that steadfast political correctness, the opaqueness of which never allowed us to know actually what goes inside that great mind?

Lest you get me wrong, only fools would doubt Tendulkar's greatness. But the same fools would roam around with a superiority complex when they come across people who refuse to recognize a single grey shade in that pronounced greatness.

If anything, this eulogy deluge has cemented the notion that we are essentially, and probably incorrigibly, a nation of hyperbole and hysteria, which is ready to dump its sense of proportion at the slightest provocation.

Tendulkar once swapped a dear bat for a Mark Knoffler guitar. He has an ear for music. But I'm not sure all that is written and aired about him would come as music to those blushed ears.

(P.S. Read 7 Tendulkar Q & A here.)

Live from Mohali

Welcome to What Neo Won't Show And Cricinfo Won't Report.

1410: Dhoni wins toss. Ponting inquires if Amitabh Bachchan had used the same coin in 'Sholay'. Umpire Ashoka de Silva grumbled 'Sholay' was never screened in Sri Lanka and hence he could not shed any light on it.

1430: Harbhajan shakes hand with Ashoka de Silva like long lost mate. Staying with Bhajji, I suspect he is subdued in this series because Chris Broad is the Match Referee. The same guy -- no doubt he hides a pair of horns under that trendy cap -- who had reported Bhajji twice in the past. Come on Chris, live upto your name -- surname to be precise -- and take a broad view of things. My heart bleeds for Bhajji since we are the last few remaining Doosra exponents.

1440: Statying with Chris, I think Stuart Little got the surname alright but goofed up the name when he complained to Pa that a neighbourhood Singh boy had hit him for six sixes. That was Yuvi, not Harbhajan, Chris. Stop scaring the kid.

1545: Sorry for the delay. The wi-fi in the press box is like Australian opening pair. Just not working.

1610: Raina in pain, trying to stop a ball that gets sandwiched between him and the turf. Looked like he was trying to sow the ball and maybe water it as well till it bore fruit. Balls I meant.

1645: Hear it here FIRST. BCCI Prez Shashank Manohar tells PCB chief Ejaj Butt -- both are here -- that no Ind-Pak series possible in the next 8 months. Promises to renew talk next year, provided the Government gives them the go-ahead.

1820: Australia settle for 250 when 300 looked a possibility. Something fairly akin to dating Katrina Kaif and then settling for/with Rakhi Sawant. Destiny, I guess.

2010: Ashoka de Silva just topped every Indian hate-list and his family would pray hard for his safe return after that howler of a decision against Tendulkar.

2025: Son of the soil Yuvraj clearly knows part of the crowd moving behind the sightscreen. You don't need lip-readers to tell you that he was referring to some of their mothers and sisters.

2030: India reach 111 for 3 in 22.4 overs. I'm missing David Shepherd (read my tribute here).

2121: Suddenly it springs to my mind - I have seen grandpa and grandson bat together in an ODI when Tendulkar and Yuvraj forged a brief partnership. And Yuvraj isn't alone to call Tendulkar grandpa.

2137: Today must be International Party-Pooper's Day. First Sehwag spoiled birthday boy Mitchell Johnson's party and then de Silva marred Tendulkar's.

2230: No more updates today, time for other serious stuff. Thanks for staying with Doosra, if anyone that is :)

Introducing Tendulkar, the grandpa!

First he was boy wonder who looked skywards in search of his deceased father whenever he hit a ton. Then he fathered Arjun and Sara and announced on telly "Mai bhi ek pitaa hun" (I'm also a father).

Doosra knows he is a godfather as well, to some of his younger teammates. But what we did not know, till last night, is that he is a grandfather too, at the tender age of 36!

Yuvraj Singh let the cat out of the bag.

"We have started calling him grandfather," Yuvraj said.

"He is an amazing man and I don't think any other player can go on to play for 20 years or more likle he has," Yuvraj gushed.

Tendulkar equals Rip Van Winkle!

"It (two decades of international cricket) has been a dream for me."

Sachin Tendulkar could not have been more forthright.

Alas, the abysmally chump mainstream media simply failed to grasp it.

I'm a traditionalist who insists reading the lines is the safest way to get the picture than admiring the white space in between them. But apparently, it's in vogue in the Fourth Estate these days to read only between the lines.

Well, let the chumps rot and understand what Tendulkar meant.

For a perfectly normal, average human being who doesn't consider metaphors something like O2 that he or she can't breathe without, for whom the bare stats and mere words are of the essence, beneath that innocuous-sounding sentence lurks a breaking news!

Here is a Doosra scoop.

A little bit of arithmetic and you know that Tendulkar has eclipsed Urmila, if you know your Ramayana well, and just equalled Rip Van Winkle in the Hypersomnia Hall of Fame!

Tendulkar's spooky bats!

Time to withdraw my hitherto-held views.

If my Google search serves me right, I remember cribbing how Tendulkar evoked only awe, not argument and was too polite to polarize.

By and large, I observed he was far from a debater's delight.

But that was clearly another era when Australia held Ashes, Phillip Hughes did not twitter and Dhoni didn't own a Hummer.

Since then, as if to atone for his lack of form, Tendulkar has come out with some jaw-droppers, eyeball-poppers and mind-bogglers that cleared the cobwebs to offer a clear vision of his fascinating persona.

I was particularly intrigued by his recent comment that his bat speaks to him.

Tendulkar understands the languages of wood, and dead one at that!

I guess the Tendulkar household at La-Mer doesn't even raise a precursory eyebrow when one of his bats walks out of the storeroom to greet a groggy Tendulkar a polite 'Good morning sir'.

Or when it reappears at the end of the day to bid him a courteous 'Good night sir'.

Move over Dr Doolittle. Dr Little Master is here!

Contemporary cricket's 7 most talked-about body parts

Doosra gets physical. Well, make it anatomical. That would not only pre-empt dirty connotations but also lend the piece a rather serious tone.

Much like Stephen Fleming talking about blockhole. Or is it Stephen Hawking talking about blackhole?

Whatever.

Gone off the rails a bit? Well, let me put the record straight.

Doosra goes anatomical. Mind you, that is what we had agreed on. And a bit metaphorical as well.

You'll agree, any blogger worth his salt, sugar and jaggery would do everything to bring Lalit Modi and John Buchanan into the picture and hence the detour.

So here goes the list of contemporary cricket's 7 most talked-about body parts, both figurally and figuratively.

1. Spine: The vertebral column that Virender Sehwag, fed up of the invertebrates, insists on in every Delhi selector.

2. Nose: The Olfactory System belonging to John Buchanan, cricket's own Pinocchio, which has a mind of its own and a tendency to poke itself at the slightest opportunity.

3. Forefinger: The erratic appendix in Rudy Koertzen’s body. Some batsmen are ready to bear the expenses if Rudy agrees to get it surgically removed.

4. Toe: An average cricket administrator's most endangered part when Lalit Modi is around.

5. Ear: The portion of Sachin Tendulkar that the latent Mike Tyson in Phillip Hughes wants to 'chew off'.

6. Heel: The posterior end of the foot that actually belongs to Kevin Pietersen but medics insist on calling Achilles'.

7. Knee: The joint of Andrew Flintoff's right leg, a definitive testimonial of how dud NASA is.

Kebabs, Ashes and KP

And you thought Alastair is the only Cook in English ranks!

Move over Colonel's Kebabz. Here comes KP kebabs!

As an afterthought, I never suspected Dilip Vengsarkar of actually running kebab joints since I was rather under the impression that 'Colonel' had other fishes to fry at Mumbai Cricket Association.

Anyway, ignore the allusion and return to the protagonist of the piece.

You are the alpha bat but rendered hors de combat.

Your teammates do the unthinkable without you. They shot a poisoned arrow into Ricky Ponting's Achilles heel while you are left to nurse your own.

So what do you do? You swap the bat for skewer and make kebabs for Indian fans in a London club!

With no Onions, of the Graham variety, in the vicinity, the salad was bound to be as much a let-down as a Ravi Bopara or a Monty Panesar.

And it's not known either if they served T20 – as dessert is called in Tendulkar parlance -- in dinner.

What is known, to Doosra that is, is finally when the party had dispersed, KP removed the grill, collected the Ashes, filled the urn he had bought and pocketed the stuff with characteristic cockiness.

So now you know who has more Ashes under the belt, both figuratively and factually, among the Three Lions.

For the Strauss & Co and their vainglory, replace the Don Pedros, Benedicks and Claudios with Cook, Bell, Trott and similar monosyllables and you have, by and large, Much Ado About Nothing II.

Pix: Daily Mail

Sherpa Tendulkar eyes 15K Peak!

Many a bowlers would have gone Protea at their breakfast table.

I mean choked.

At that age, you should consider yourself fortunate if you can sight the caterpillar in your salad and stop in time to drop it.

And Sachin Tendulkar is eyeing Test 15K and 2011 World Cup! No less.

Of course you can point your finger at the ageless Sanath Jayasuriya and curl your lip in a smug smile.

But the modern day Darwins have already taken the Lankan woodcutter out of the homo sapiens column and placed him in the list of transitional fossils.

According to them, Jayasuriya is the missing link between cricket's Grace and graceless eras and to be treated more as aberration than rule.

Asked if he applied his mind to the thought of quitting, Tendulkar took his sweet time before the sing-song voice rung "Tweeting? Sorry. I'm not in Twitter. See how Phillip Hughes landed in trouble there? I just don't understand the craze among today's generation for such weird thing."

And then he turned on the volume of his gramophone which wailed "Abhi to main jawan hu" (I'm still young).

Alas, he won't admit but his eyesight is indubitably failing him. So much so that he can't see himself quitting at all!

Doosra predicts that days are not far when bowlers, raised in an environment of values and morality, would touch Tendulkar's feet, seek his blessing and inquire about his health before reaching their run-up.

I always suspected that he has this burning desire to share Team India dressing room with son Arjun and his decision to play on leaves us with a fair chance of watching the high-fiving Tendulkars sharing an 'Ai La'.

Doosra also expects BCCI to press for a Senior Citizen scheme and threaten to float a new body if ICC doesn't exempt players with 575 plus international matches under their belt from bouncers.

The Seven...hic...Samurai

Let's give the dude his due. Andrew Symonds is a blogger's delight. An English-born Australian cricketer with West Indian roots with follies of all three ethnicities stuffed inside the 1.87m frame.

Now beat that.

So much so that I don’t mind trading Sachin Tendulkar for Symonds.

Come on, Tendulkar can’t be a debater’s delight. He evokes awe, not argument. He is too polite to polarize and I’ve always been intrigued more by the horn of the devil than the halo of the saint.

Once again, Symonds provided me the fodder for thought and here goes a list of seven cricketers who, I suspect, could have been wine bottle labels in their previous birth.

1. Andrew Symonds: The undisputed Baron of Booze, the Lord of Liquor, the al-Khalifa of al-cohol. There was not a rehab strong enough to bottle up his high spirit;

2. David Boon: His incredible feat of guzzling 52 cans of beer on a flight from Sydney to London is still intact. Pity that Symonds had to go when Boon is part of Australia’s selection panel. Smacks of lack of fellow-feeling somewhere.

3. Andrew Flintoff: Cork high and bottle deep, Flintoff discovered the alcoholic properties of the Caribbean Sea during 2007 World Cup and was about to drain it before sentries came to the sea’s rescue and an environmental disaster was averted.

4. Jesse Ryder: A firm believer that Bacchus airdropped him on dry earth with a specific purpose. Takes the opener’s job seriously even outside the field. Royal Challengers stats suggest no one opened more cans and bottles than Ryder in IPL II.

5. Herschelle Gibbs: Another rehab-proof alcoholic. One of his neighbours once refused his offer to donate blood fearing it might make him tipsy.

6. Praveen Kumar: Proudly carrying the tri-colour. To his credit, he doesn’t get into drunken brawl unless the other guy is a doctor.

7. Yuvraj Singh: When intoxicated, has a peculiar penchant of attacking his namesake, a tendency that can be traced to the sheer self-detest cemented in his subconscious.

Pix

To Tigers, with love, from Tendulkar

Sachin Tendulkar dedicated his ton to the tigers. Well, hitting centuries is what he has been doing since birth and having exhausted the list of mankind, I reckon at some point of time, looking beyond was an inevitability.

At the same time, there are others as well who owe a similar dedication of their moments of glory to creatures other than human and it’s worth having a look at them.

1. Andrew Symonds to Fishes: Catching them is more fun than catching say, a Harbhajan Singh. Besides, fishes never taunted him, racially or otherwise;
2. Harbhajan Singh to Monkeys: As atonement for racially abusing them in the Sydneygate episode; alternatively,
Harbhajan Singh to Kiwis: For his new-found similarity with the guileless and flightless bird;
3. Mohd Yousuf to Chameleons: As a mark of appreciation after borrowing the whole range of colours from them and completing the ICL-IPL-ICL cycle;
4. M S Dhoni to Goats: Atonement for sacrificing one of them in a Ranchi temple; alternatively,
Dhoni to Buffalos: As a mark of gratitude after guzzling gallons of milk, triggering malnutrition among the livestock population in the country;
5. Ajit Agarkar to Ducks: For self-explanatory reasons;
6. Steve Bucknor to Rhinoceros: For lending him their hide and then forgetting about it;
7. Mudassar Nazar to Snails: Legend has it that Nazar’s longstanding jogging partner used to be a snail, which would patiently wait for him at the bend of the road in Lahore after they had started together in the morning.

Why Dravid Should Quit ODIs

Once Ricky Ponting and Co. leaves the country with the Futures Cup, someone from the BCCI needs to take Rahul Dravid to the corner, lay a hand around his shoulder, appreciate his contribution and convey to him that the ODI series against Pakistan would be his last. And also tell him that the Board has a grand farewell plan for him at the end of the series.

Tough to put it in words but truth is Dravid has exceeded his shelf-life as a one day cricketer. Our affection for the man and his craft should not be allowed to clutter our common sense. An avid reader, “The Wall” surely has not missed the writing on the wall.

Of India’s Holy Trinity, Sachin Tendulkar is more effort than effervescence and Sourav Ganguly continues to oscillate between sublime and farce. But, at least, they have proved that Team India is yet to find their replacement. Unfortunately, that has not been the case with Dravid.

Dravid’s position in the batting order, especially while chasing, has become an additional woe for his captain. Mahendra Singh Dhoni can’t really toy with his former captain, who till the other day used to pass on the instructions. The Nagpur ODI is a moot case. As if explaining a defeat was not bad enough, Dhoni had to defend the decision to promote Dravid at number four. And then Ponting too made fun of the move, questioning the logic behind it.

It’s unfair to pan Dhoni. He was just trying to accommodate Dravid. I mean once the chase had gone down to the wire, Dravid is not the kind of batsman you expect to guide the side to home with some late charge. Dhoni had no other way but to send him up. And that precisely sums up Dravid’s position in the order.

Dravid was never cut out exclusively for one day cricket and all its thrill and frill and it was because of his sheer grit and industry, give credit where it’s due, that he went on to play 333-plus ODIs, scoring 10,000-plus runs – a feat any cricketer would have been proud of.

But despite his record, the series against Australia left a message, loud and clear, that Dravid does not command a place. Of course he still can play the sheet anchor’s role to perfection but often in chase, the role itself has become redundant. In such scenario, having Dravid in the ranks is a luxury India can ill-afford.

Personally for him, Dravid does not stand to gain anything from ODIs. On the contrary, he might lose his aura, which he acquired largely due to his exploits in the longer version of the game. He’s indispensable in the Test squad and is still the most bankable of Indian batsmen. He has been an intelligent cricketer throughout and he should not find trouble seeing wisdom behind quitting one dayers.

Image

Greg Chappell Snaps India Tie

Greg Chappell, undoubtedly the most controversial cricket coach, has just snapped his ties with Team India, citing "family and personal reasons."

Chappell has been at the eye of a storm after he accused senior players of behaving like "mafia" and even an otherwise reticent Sachin Tendulkar opened mouth against the coach.

"I am grateful to the players with whom I have worked in this time for the challenges that they presented me with and which I tried to meet in a professional, methodical and interesting way in the interests of the team and the individual," Chappell said in his letter.

Chappell had taken over from Kiwi John wright in 2005 and his contract expired with India's World Cup disaster.

BCCI Working Committee was to mee in Mumbai on April 6-7 to accept reports from the coach and team manager Sanjay Jagdale and determine Chappell's fate.

Tendulkar says he is hurt by Chappell’s allegations

Indian cricket is in a terrible mess. It’s a house divided, with each and every member of the family looking at each with suspicion. Never ever we got the feeling that a storm was brewing under the apparent calm exterior.

A deeply hurt Sachin Tendulkar finally broke the silence and said he was shattered after what came as the worst phase of his illustrious career.

Dragged in the Greg Chappell vs Team India Seniors battle, the big little champion is stunned by the coach’s allegation that the senior pros in the side behaved like “mafia” and undermined captain Rahul Dravid’s authority. Sourav Ganguly, Zaheer Khan, Virender Sehwag, Ajit Agarkar, Harbhajan Singh et al are reported to be at the end of Chappell’s ire.

Irked senior players are waiting to meet BCCI top brass to give their version of the story and they claim Chappell shattered their confidence, created a sense of insecurity among them, did not talk to them for 3-4 days and more importantly, often leaked confidential reports to the media.

This seems an unprecedented chaos in Team India and when BCCI meets in Mumbai on April 6-7, they would have to make a choice between Chappell and the Senior players. Indeed, no one could have scripted the horror story better.