7 punishments for Dhoni & Co for NZ flop show

BCCI sees only the Sunny side but never the funny side of it. So what if New Zealand plastered India by 200 runs?

That doesn't mean you cancel the home trip you had promised the players who have spent enough time in Lanka to be eligible for a citizenship there.

It was not just a low trick on the players but quite unimaginative too. Doosra suggests 7 alternative ways BCCI could have punished the players:

1. Make the whole team row its way back from Sri Lanka;

2. A favourite theme with Doosra. Ask them to write the full name of Welegedara on the grain of rice. To be fair, give them a choice between Uda Walawwe Mahim Bandaralage Chanaka Asanka Welegedara and Warnakulasuriya Patabendige Ushantha Joseph Chaminda Vaas.

3. Ask Yuvraj to share room with Suresh Raina before a Test series and come out in the morning without any culpable homicide charges against his name; alternatively ask him to report after three weeks without a bar brawl; or spend 15 minutes on the field without inviting frenzied chants from the spectators;

4. Thrust a shaving razor in Praveen Kumar’s hand and ask him to turn up clean-shaven for a match;

5. Make Ashish Nehra play a full Test with no ambulance facility within 10km of the stadium;

6. Let MS Dhoni bat with Nehra as his runner;

7. Ask Ishant Sharma to bowl with Nehra fielding at point.

Doosra Annual Award 2008

Light…camera…action.

Time for red carpet, stealth light, stretch limos, bowties, pinstripes and black satin gowns. As another year goes by, welcome to the second Doosra Annual Award Gala Night. A tradition started last year, Doosra doles out the annual gongs and the winners are:

Col Gaddafi Club Membership: MS Dhoni, the only other living person with a retinue of female bodyguards.

Australian National Sportfishing Association (ANSA) Man of the Year: Andrew ‘gone-fishing’ Symonds (he’ll collect the award after returning from the fishing trip).

Yo-Yo award: Mohd Yousuf, for completing the ICL-IPL-ICL cycle.

Alcoholic Anonymous Citation: Paul Harris for his legendary candour after South Africa won the Melbourne Test. ("I don't think there's enough beer in all of Australia to satisfy us tonight.”)

Overthrow of the Year: Muntazer al-Zaidi. Having two simultaneous attempts at George W Bush and missing both speaks volume of his waywardness.

Best Ducking of the Year: George W Bush. Ducking two beamers at the same time is a feat beyond lesser mortals and this guy evaded two size 10 shoes hurled at him from less than 22 yards with no umpire to call it NO! Cricket’s loss has been politics’ loss as well.

Anti-Gambling Movement Appreciation Medal: Ishant Sharma for his taming of the ‘Punter’.

Lifetime Shit-Midas Trophy: Greg Chappell. Everything he touched became shit. Look at Australia.

Annual Humble Pie Award: Kevin Pietersen, for his pie-chucker comments.

Lapidary Association Medallion: Sachin Tendulkar, for advocating the evolutionary stone-to-milestone theory.

The VIBGYOR Trophy: Adam Gilchrist, for badmouthing Tendulkar in ‘True Colours of My Life’ and then changing colour and crying hosanna of the Little Master.

Poppy Growers’ Appreciation Medal: Mohd Asif.

Gandhi Truth Award: Gautam Gambhir for his blatant truth that elbowing Shane Watson "wasn’t deliberate".

The Roundhead in oversized Cavalier’s guise

If there was a singularly poignant moment in last night’s Kolkata Knight Riders-Bangalore Royal Challengers encounter, it was the seventh ball of the Bangalore innings when Kolkata’s adopted son Ishant Sharma pegged back base of Rahul Dravid’s middle and off-stumps.

I’m afraid, apart from the money, Dravid probably has nothing to gain from the IPL. On the contrary, he has put his hard-earned reputation on the line. I pray he escapes unscathed six weeks from now, even though only an incurably optimist can actually expect so.

Dravid had the prudence to pull out of the Twenty20 World Cup. Alas, a similar sagacity eluded him this time. Was it money that cluttered his mind and denied him the clarity that Twenty20 is not his cup of tea but it surely can be his potential cup of woes? Or he just did not want to miss out on being part of the razzmatazz? Whatever be the reason, Dravid volunteered to be part of something which is so in contrast with his technique and temperament.

For someone whose personality found magnificent manifestation over the five days of a Test match, Dravid made a colossal mistake by hoping to thrive in the ephemerality of Twenty20.

And it did not take him long to realize what he was in for. He must have shrunk in horror when Brendon McCullum top edged Zaheer Khan and instead of finding any of the slip fielders, the ball went soaring over third man for a six. That shot perfectly captured the essence of Twenty20 and the purist in Dravid must have been shaken in his boot by the outrage.

I’m afraid, Twenty20 brings with it a new set of crowd, who throng the ground expecting to see a bowlers’ bloodbath, completely devoid of sympathy for anyone. Their patience fast wear thin and they can garland and guillotine a player with the same fervour. “Can’t hit the bowler out of the park? Budge off you bungler, let the next guy come in.”

I’m not the one who would like to see him being booed and barracked. He does not deserve that. But if that happens, Dravid would surely concede it was his own making.

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Wanted: Fit NRIs, holidaying Indians to join Men in Blue

These days, it’s not really safe for an NRI in the United Kingdom. Laid low by cold bug, Team India is struggling to put 11 fit men in the park and any holidaying Indian or NRI run the risk of being kidnapped and transported to Ireland to prop up Rahul Dravid, bowling his running nose, and his ailing team play South Africa.

S Sreesanth, MS Dhoni, Ramesh Powar, RP Singh and Ajit Agarkar have been worst hit by the bug, while Dravid, Yuvraj Singh and Zaheer – count Robin Singh too – are also not keeping well.

Rakesh Patel and Arjun Yadav simply could not believe their luck when they got SOS from the Indian team to join the ailment-hit squad. For a breakthrough, you have to be at the right place at the right time, and UK is surely the place for paceman Patel and all-rounder Yadav, son of former offie Shivlal Yadav.

Patel was playing for St Helens Club in Liverpool and Yadav was closer to the Team India base at Eglinton, Ireland. It’s a life-time chance for the duo and their best chance to make an impact at this level.

It was learnt that Monty Panesar was being persuaded to join the squad, after all it's the country of his origin. In case Monty declines, his brother Isher is a certainty. BCCI, however, assures it can also pencil in Samit Dravid and Arjun Tendulkar, if needed.

Back home, pace duo of Ishant Sharma (Delhi) and Ranadeb Bose (Bengal) were also handed over their plane tickets for Ireland.

The dressing room resembles a medical ward and Dravid seemed to be reading out a medical bulletin in his pre-match press conference. It’s an awkward situation for Team India and obviously Jacques Kallis is not perturbed.

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