Afridi’s Secret Diary: Ajmal Band for World Cup

I sewer touching my shampoo and hair conditioner that I'm anger like nobody's business.

If you steel not getting it, I'm mad for ICC who band our Saeed Ajmal for illegal action. And this six months in front of the World Cup. What massage ICC giving here?

I having no doubt this is a conspiracy and they not wanting us to victory. Ajmal is our best chucker spinner. If Pakistan cricket team is a army, he is a loyal shoulder. You band him, you handicraft us. In our country, first ballers are borning every day but chucker spinners we get rearly.

I don't know why they telling Ajmal having illegal action. When Asif played, he had illegal action. After match, he wented to shops to by nasha products. I except that us illegal action. Poor Ajmal has not even money to buy a packet of bidi.

Just I hearing ICC things he throws. It's uncorrect. Ajmal is a good boy. I know some boys once wanted to throw a match. It was just for fun, not money, I telling you. Butt Ajmal refuged. No, only Ajmal refuged. Butt did not. Also because Ajmal was not playing then.

This Ajmal band has effected our World Cup plan. We now needing a institute...or is it substitute? Otherwise, pressure mound on my soldier I loose my beautiful hairs.

Friends, time to shampoo my hair and conditioner then. I'll return back quickly. Also, I see Ajmal is 37 years old. I being so little, I take back all the "boys" in this diary and wish good luck to Ajmal chacha.

Cricket's Alternative Food Movement

Was it only my TV set that showed Djokovic sinking to his knees, plucking a few blades of grass and putting it in mouth after taming Nadal at Wimbledon?

It seemed an honest, pioneering effort by a tennis player of no uncertain scientific bend of mind to find out the edibility of grass and see if it can be the answer to the global food crisis.

Taking a cue from Djokovic, Doosra prepares a list of cricket’s own bizarre biters, eerie eaters, champion chewers and leading lickers:

1. Shahid Afridi: A ball-biter par excellence;

2. Mohd Asif: Single largest importer of poppy seeds;

3. Sourav Ganguly: Human Nail-Clipper. Mad enough, at his pomp, to chew nails and spit rivets;

4. Ewen Chatfield: A unique swallower of his own tongue;

5. Lalit Modi: A reckless biter but limited chewer;

6. Harbhajan Singh: Premium finger-licker;

7. ICC: A steady eater, out of BCCI’s hands.

P.S. Would be unfair to put up the shutters without a word about Kamran Akmal, held as the most promising of all. Even jealous teammates admit he’s so endowed that Akmal can start a bat-manufacturing business rightway without buying a chainsaw.

Afridi's Secret Diary: Shoaib Thinks He's Rajnigandha!

I'm joy like nobody's business. We beated Sri Lanka to win, which is not easy. If you asking me what is the because, it is I'm the captain of a mad team.

If you try to remind, I never like Shoaib Akhtar and I'm not fearful to say that. He speaks Urdu with an American accent!

Last night he powerfully took me to a pub. After drinking 3 glasses, I could understand he had drunk.

"We have to raise the bar," he said and I was real fearful. I told him the bar was big and had so many persons inside, so many furnitures etc. How two of we raise the hole bar? What he thinked of himself? That South Indian hero -- Rajnigandha?

I begged him not to create seen. He said "Ok pal, let's call it a day". I then lost my anger.

"Why should I call it a day when it's being a night? You are drunk or blind in the eye?"

But you have to say Shoaib has worked on fitness. He has become quite a racist, always asking all to race with him. Also doing stretching and jumping. I'm running also but coach said 2011 is not being a leap year so I'm not jumping.

We need Shoaib because Asif and Amir are banned, which is a handicraft for us. Gul bowling well but he is also mad type.

Other day, coach said we should have a cakewalk against Canada. Know what Gul did? He dropped a cake on floor and walked over it and said "Ho gaya sir, cakewalk."

The whole carpet was ugly and I made him wash that!

After that accident, our coach is out of order. He never ordering us anything. Inspite of him, I order now.

Anyway, I have received many wishes from many. I thank all of you from the heart of my bottom. We need your prayer.

7 Cricketers and their Favourite Books!

Apparently, George Bernard Shaw -- contrary to rumours he didn’t grandfather Hashim Amla, it’s their common beard that triggered the speculation –- once said his favourite book was his cheque book.

Many suspect the cricketers are no better.

But recently the ICC listed favourite books of some of the cricketers we never suspected of being anything beyond a game-reader.

Well, Dravid probably reads Duckworth-Lewis method at leisure but others?

Doosra compiles a list of possible favourite books of some of our favourite players.

1. Harbhajan Singh: Geetanjali by Tagore. He bought the book under impression that it’s a biography of his actress-friend Geeta Basra.

2. Mohd Asif: Sea of Poppies by Amitav Ghosh.

3. Rahul Dravid: Catch 22 by Joseph Heller. He is looking for tips how to catch all 22 opponents batsmen in a Test.

4. Ramesh Powar: Who Moved My Cheese? by Spencer Johnson.

5. Kamran Akmal: Jaws by Peter Benchley.

6. Salman Butt: The Trial by Kafka

7. Lalit Modi: A Passage to India by E M Forster. Modi is searching for one.

Afridi’s Secret Diary: Sleeveless Nights!

If you ask me, I'm confucius. Three months in front of World Cup and I the captain can admit I'm having sleeveless nights like nobody's business.

The team having a head (which is I) but no butt...because salman butt is suspended. And I missing kamran akmal like nobody's business.

kamran is a key player. Late me tell you why. Once my hotel room was locked and he opened it with his tooth!

I don't wanting to talk about asif. One day, in my front, he questioned a pitch curator "You got grass there?". asif...I mean as if I don't know what grass meaning!

The hole team in a mesh. One day younus is captain, another one day yusuf and another one day misbah.

You will not believing me but one day in the nets, azhar ali was talking lonely. I thought he had becomed mad. Know what he was telling? "It was a team effort...boys played well...we played as unit…"

I asked him, what matter was and he said, "Shahid Bhai, who knows, maybe I'll be the captain tomorrow."

Think! Yesterday's kid wanting to be captain tomorrow! This new generation...so amphibious!

But his saying have truth. Nobody knowing who becoming captain yesterday....or is it tomorrow? whoever...

All bad thoughts eating me and I'm loosing piece of mind. Time to stop writing, it's getting darky...another sleeveless night.

SCOOP: International Cricket-Stricken Animals’ Conclave

While the chumps in the mainstream media sedulously twiddled their thumbs in the comfort of their air-conditioned offices, Doosra risked life to get you an exclusive.

An agitated herd of angry animals recently had a clandestine meeting where they blasted cricket and cricketers for making their life miserable.

Here are exclusive excerpts from the Inaugural International Cricket-Stricken Animals' Conclave:

1. Crocodile (S Africa): Guys, as you all know, one can't ignore hygiene these days. After you had a sumptuous deer for lunch, all you want is to muse open-mouthed, while those birds clean your teeth. But peace is never on us. Before you know what is what, you suddenly find yourself in a tangle with Dale Steyn, who insists this is the best way to prepare for a series against Australia. I feel like crying but can't because you'd say I'm shedding crocodile tears.

2. Cat (England): Well, I would say physical pain is bearable but what about mental agony? By the way, I’m Max and I die hundred deaths every time I say Graeme Swann owns me. Cops caught the bugger drink-driving and you know what the !@#$%^&* told them? He said he was tight but had to drive to buy a screwdriver and get me out of a trap! Trap my foot, have you heard a sillier excuse?

3. Mosquito(Sri Lanka): I can sympathise with you. Frankly speaking, I've lost my faith in humanity as a whole. I bit Yuvraj Singh the other day and gifted Virat Kohli a place in the playing XI. Well, one does not expect a drop of blood but a word of acknowledgment would surely not have been amiss? But what you get in the pre-match interview? Not a single word of gratitude from Kohli! This new generation, just taking things for granted.

4. Cricket: I seriously feel you guys are overreacting. All you whine about is one-off incident. What about the daily humiliation we go through? Our grasshopper cousins have already started making fun of us. A small cricket is ridiculed as T20, a bigger one called a Test…I wonder what the world is coming to!

5. Cockroach (Mohali): See, I'm not the Paris Hilton type, always publicity-hungry. Apart from occasionally appearing from nowhere to scare the hell out of the girls, we are a self-effacing community. Once I mistaken trod on Chris Broad's food and he made such a hue and cry, mentioning it in the ICC Match Referee's report. It brought so much of unwanted publicity that I had to kiss my private life goodbye.

6. Donkey (Pakistan): Don't you guys think that all these sound simple whining when compared to the treatment we were subjected to? Butt, Asif and Aamer filled their boots and we were pelted! We have been around for donkey’s years but I can tell you we never had to go through such mental agony and physical pain put together.

7. Calf (Ranchi): I can tell you the life of a calf is not an easy one when you live in Ranchi. Do you have any idea how starvation death looms large over our community? And all because Dhoni has got this silly idea in his fat head that he has to guzzle four litter milk a day to stay fit! I hope you don't mind but all these talk of mental agony and unwanted publicity is pure gibberish when the very existence of me and my cousins is at stake.

WHODUNNIT!

So cricket got its own Ben Johnson. Of course this is not the first time. Remember how we had to digest a World Cup sans Shane Warne? And a Champions Trophy without Shoaib Akhtar and Mohd Asif?

But then what’s World Cup or Champions Trophy vis-à-vis IPL? These are mere bagatelles, compared to the blockbuster that IPL is -- a veritable cricket Olympic with a slightly altered view on its frequency. Industrial baron Lalit Modi is cricket’s answer to Baron de Coubertin.

While IPL fountainheads are yet to lay all the cards on the table, the million dollar question is whose sample proved positive? Doosra looks at the options.

1. Shane Warne: Sick and tired of dal-bati-churma, Rajasthan’s Most Famous Son (he beat Greg Chappell in a photo finish) sent an SOS-SMS from his legendary cell phone (which has scalped as many victims, especially plump English nurses, as the spinner himself) to cricket’s second most famous mother (after Jane Boycott). Soon flew in a Qantas-load of baked beans and a familiar jar. Well, the Australian’s doting German mother thought his son was through with international cricket, so why care? After all, mom’s love knows no bound, WADA or not.

2. Shoaib Akhtar: Well, how else you expect a thirtysomething pacer to react after he is slapped a five-year ban? The ban simply left him fuming and smoking. The fault anyway lies with the appellate tribunal which still contrived a way to allow him grace the IPL when he was least expecting it.

3. PCB Appellate Tribunal Members: Even Shoaib Akhtar vouches they hardly looked in their senses when they waved the green signal for the Rawalpindi Express to chug into IPL.

4. Vijay Mallya: Even the cruellest of hearts would admit that the thrashing which the Bangalore Royal Challengers were receiving with an alarming regularity was reason enough to escape from harsh realities and hallucinate .

5. Lalit Modi: Mr Mint-in-Suit, are you sure it's not yours? After all, old habits, they say, die hard.

On is off, off is on, right or wrong

So here comes the official confirmation -- on his off, off is on, right or wrong.

As Pietersen the peacock goes swaggering around after MCC announces that the touch of madness is actually a stroke of genius, my cynicism hits nadir. Replacing leather-flingers -- already at the receiving end of cricket’s own state-sponsored pogrom -- with bowling machine seems the natural culmination of the process custodian and executives of the game have undertaken.

How else you explain MCC’s willingness to alter LBW and Wide Ball rules just to accommodate one of the most vulgar shots you can come across?

The only plausible logic put forward by the MCC eggheads was that it adds to entertainment. So does recreational drugs and I've Mohd Asif to vouch for that. So?

My sneaking suspicion is MCC’s decision to pander to the hoi polloi stems from its fear of redundancy. After all, cricket’s toothless watchdog is as relevant to the game as UN is to America’s foreign policy.

Consider the bowlers’ plight. Already pushed to the brink, he recalls the batsman’s chink in the armour, sets him up, makes minor field adjustment and then ambles in to bowl that delivery but lo and behold! Every bit of his plan is hit for a six because he did not come prepared to see mirror batting at the other end.

I don’t have problem with Pietersen’s wholesome hatred for tradition. But I don’t either think switch-hitting would make 'The Ego' any better a bat than what he is now. But of course it helps him remain the Prince of Foofaraw, whose coiffeur and cricket would continue to assume equal importance.

My problem is not with the shot, or any shot for that matter. I’m appalled by the sheer readiness of the MCC and ICC to play to the gallery and the absolute marginalization of the other, equally important, protagonist of the bat-ball drama. Beneath the haze, cricket is essentially an exercise where bowler initiates the action and the batsman merely reacts. But unfortunately, those who run the game are hell bent to make it a complete mismatch pitting the author-backed batsman against a no-hoper bowler.

This is surely not cricket!

Image: BBC

The rogue returns

There is something eerily uncanny about the rogue. He’s like a scam that umpteen hush-up efforts can’t suppress. The froth that will inevitably and eventually surface. Almost a leitmotif in a Wagnerian opera. Let’s give the devil its due, Shoaib Akhtar is an unputdownable story with intrigues galore and he may not be the best ambassador of the game, but like cricket itself, his career is all about uncertainty, occasionally glorious and often notorious.

Now that the IPL passage has been cleared by the appellate tribunal, the maverick is back. Indeed, it would have been a pity if he was missing from the mix. It’s not only his craft but also the theatricals that make Shoaib almost an indispensable character in the entire razzmatazz. In the end, it was poetic justice that he was eventually allowed to figure in the foofaraw which he has been so in love with throughout his career.

I’m not sure about his contribution but let’s admit he brings with him that nuisance value and adds to the entertainment quotient. That extraordinarily prolonged run-up, the glare, the snarl as the ball leaves his hand and that spectacular albatross celebration – Shoaib in action is one of the most compelling sights in contemporary cricket.

He maybe the child of hype but batsmen in their relatively vulnerable moments would tell you that the sight of him galloping along that never-ending run up still sends shivers down many a spine.

Welcome to IPL, Shoaib.

Mohammad Asif must be heaving a huge sigh of relief that he won’t have to share the dressing room with the erratic ‘Rawalpindi Express’. Umar Gul, however, is not similarly fortunate. Harbhajan Singh has already set the benchmark in compatriot-bashing and Gul would do well to exercise a little caution. Picking up a dressing-room fight with Shoaib has resulted in grave consequences in the past and history, after all, remains the best teacher.

Image: AFP

Will Pak players raise their hands, please?

Now that IPL is in its adolescence, stock-taking seems an irresistible idea. But hang on, will the Pakistani players please raise their hands, and possibly their game too?

Intriguingly, the T20 World Cup finalists have not set the IPL alight. On the contrary, barring the possible exception of Asif, none of the Pakistani players pass muster. What happened to the T20 World Cup finalists?

If headline-hogging is made the yardstick, I think the only Pakistani who really made some mark is Shoaib ‘Will-He-Won’t-He’ Akhtar.

Let’s delve into the details on a case-by-case, and occasionally nutcase-by-nutcase, basis.

Among the KKR trio, Salman Butt got a look-in against Rajasthan but the sight of Sohail Tanveer probably made him emotional and he could not deny the fellow Pakistani a wicket. No wonder Butt made all the effort to drag the ball onto his stumps.

To be fair, Butt still can lay a legitimate claim that he did not get enough matches, an excuse Mohammad Hafeez can’t afford. Four matches and the Pakistani young gun is still firing blank.

Worst is the case with Umar Gul, who clearly shot himself in the foot with his candour that Ganguly has miles to go before he can replicate his success as India’s ODI and Test captain in this format. Criticising your own skipper, especially when he’s struggling to digest a hat-trick of defeats, doesn’t make Gul an ideal candidate for any diplomatic job but my suspicion is he wanted to prove that post-retirement, he is a commentator material.

Meanwhile, of the Rajasthan Royals trio, Younis Khan is phantom, while Kamran Akmal’s contribution hardly goes beyond his toothy appeal. No wonder Tanveer is wearing a smug smile.

In the Delhi Daredevils camp, Shoaib Malik has been cagey and he treats every bowler as if his alleged Indian father-in-law. Asif, on his part, looks shrinking under Glenn McGrath’s widening shadow.

And no prize for guessing who takes the cake. We have seen enough mopping of hair. Can we have some action, please, Afridi?

But you can’t really fault Misbah if he looks a miserable misanthropist. As someone pointed out, he’s the guy behind the razzmatazz. Had he not scooped that shot in the T20 World Cup final, had not India won the title, had it not triggered frenzy in India, IPL would not have been a reality after all.

But such is the plight of the Bangalore Royal Challengers – no prize for guessing Charu Sharma is their CEO – that they had to bench Misbah. Now that Ross Taylor is gone, Misbah gets his rightful place and I feel he might turn out to be Pakistan’s redemption man.

Image: AFP