I suspect that...

1. Alastair Cook and RP Singh endorse different mascara brands;

2. Pakistan Cricket Board has assured itself of the inaugural Gandhi Truth Award by revealing the minutiae of exactly what is keeping Shoaib Akhtar out of action these days;

3. When Lalit Modi mooted the two-IPLs-a-year theory, the scary thought fleeting through Glenn McGrath’s mind was that either his bum or the bench he is assigned to warm would invariably catch fire;

4. Sourav Ganguly is betting considerable money on Mashrafe Mortaza hurling three beamers on the trot at Brendon McCullum’s head at some stage in the T20 World Cup;

5. The only way to make Rohit Sharma click as a Team India player is to allow him wear a Deccan Chargers jersey inside;

6. Ventriloquism may seem as relevant to cricket as Paris Hilton is to rocket science but it might actually do the trick for MS Dhoni. History witness, Warne’s voice brings out the best in a Yusuf Pathan and Gilchrist’s words have magic on Rohit;

7. The recent attacks on the Indians in Australia is essentially a backlash of Harbhajan Singh’s highly misinterpreted invocation of Andrew Symonds’ mother in the infamous Monkeygate episode. Incidentally, Harbhajan’s nephew was recently killed by a taxi driver in Melbourne.

Indian Premier League: Circa 2011 and beyond

I didn’t see CNN’s ‘Talk Asia’ programme which featured IPL ring master Lalit Modi this weekend. For that matter, I haven’t seen any of the episodes, even if that makes me lesser a human. And to be honest, I don’t see myself seeing any of the ‘Talk Asia’ episodes either, of course unless I figure there.

But as a professional hazard, I read the transcript and found that during the course of answering a series of ego-massaging questions, Modi said he envisages two IPL seasons in the same year from the fourth edition onwards.

When not cricket ball, crystal ball gazing is my favourite pastime and allow me take a sneak peak into the future of IPL:

1. Sreesanth will be slapped twice a year and the PDCB (Prabhu Deva in Cricket Boots, for those who came in late) would maintain that Harbhajan is like his elder brother;

2. The contract for Bhajji, assuming he still finds a taker, would replace the mandatory post-match handshakes with a folded-hand namaskar and any deviation from there would incur immediate termination of the same;

3. Meanwhile, all roads would lead to Mohali as players, arms wide spread, would make a beeline for Kings XI Punjab, obviously drawn by the hugly incentives from the franchise owner;

4. Kolkata Knight Riders coach John Buchanan will take the opportunity to publish sequel of his “If Better Is Possible” in the Australian embassy. Shane Warne will once again buy a copy, tear the pages, make a kite and fly it over Sawai Mansingh Stadium;

5. Modi will depose in the Court of Arbitration for Sport, explaining why cheerleaders’ presence cannot be construed a performance-enhancing substance;

6. Darren Berry will stay put in Jaipur to issue travel advisory that India had become a dangerous place to visit since a kid burst two firecrackers somewhere in Mizoram;

7. Vijay Mallya will ask Mike Gascoyne to tutor Bangalore royal Challengers on how to get fast off the block;

8. Grandpa, I mean Glenn McGrath would still look inconsolable after conceding 11 runs off his four overs;

9. Sachin Tendulkar would insist that even though teammate Arjun Tendulkar outscored him, he still has lot of cricket left in him;

10. Shoaib Akhtar would manoeuvre his way to IPL, pointing out the precedence set by the previous appellate tribunal which had spared him for the previous drug offence which incurred him a previous life ban.

Image: Daily Mirror

Jayasuriya defies the age-old issue

One more myth lay in tatters as the apocalyptic Indian Premier League chugs on. Once again, the stereotype has been shattered and once more, pre-conceived notions were hit for a six -- 11 sixes to be precise -- at the Wankhede Stadium last night.

Champions of ageism preached Twenty20 is that brash drop-dead lass who woos the old as well but romances only the youth. It’s all about fresh faces, new blood and unabashed exuberance, asserted the modern day Dorian Grays.

But only till an unassuming 38-year-young from a nondescript city in the southern coast of Sri Lanka came to thumb nose at them.

Few player contradict their persona with their performance like Jayasuriya does and last night, the Matara Marauder not only stole the thunder from his illustrious opening partner but also proved that worshipping youth is alright, but the old trickster in him still have an ace or two up his sleeve.

McGrath and Warne have already made their retirement seem a mischief by novice rumour-mongers and now Jayasuriya gatecrashes into the party, which so far had a rude ONLY YOUTH sign hung at the entry.

Like McGrath and Warne, Jayasuriya made the point that it’s not about age but ability, not number but efficacy. Those who ridiculed the creaking bones, ageing legs and thinning thatch better take note. Age is just a number people unnecessary lose sleep about. It’s a matter of the mind, it doesn’t matter if you don’t mind. It’s all about delivering the goods, and especially when you need it most.

Enough of the age rub-a-dub. Let’s make performance the lone common currency.

Image: Cricinfo

IPL: Cricket Sans Frontiers

In another world, Ricky Ponting revealing Matthew Hayden’s only chink in the armour to Ashok Dinda could have amounted to treason. Likewise, AB de Villiers tipping off Sehwag on what snaps Dale Steyn’s rhythm could have been a perfect ground to make a Quisling out of the Protea bat.

Thanks to IPL, border – those haphazard scratches on Earth’s lovely round face- stands, if at all, blurred.

I had gone for Delhi Daredevils' practice session yesterday where TA Sekar, AB de Villiers, Rajat Bhatia and Manoj Tiwary were available for media interaction.

Sekar spoke in details how McGrath was mentoring the likes of V Yomahesh, Pradeep Sangwan and even Ferveez Maharoof, teaching them tricks of the trade and secrets of the craft which he learned during the course of his illustrious career.

Sekar said

If you saw the last match, you would remember how McGrath was trying to cool Maharoof who was getting some stick.

de Villiers too made it clear that he would not have any qualms sharing secrets about how to blunt Steyn.

He said

I’m more than willing to discuss the strength and weaknesses of the South African players. I would love to do everything that gives us an edge.

Lambasting IPL is a cottage industry among purists. I too had my fair share of potshots at it, even though I’m neither purists, nor the hoi polloi. But the peep into Delhi Daredevils camp came as a complete eye-opener. IPL has not bowled me over yet but I have to admit that it’s a paradigm shift indeed.

Past masters pass muster

The show was over. The old tricksters counted the coins, put the wares back in the sack, bowed one last time and left for good. Or so we thought.

It took Shane Warne and Glenn McGrath, the Kangaroo partners-in-crime for donkey’s years, an IPL to prove that they still have an ace up their sleeves.

On a format that perceives bowlers as cannon-fodders, mere props to massage the ego of the author-backed willowers in an obscenely lop-sided script, the necromancer and the metronome yet conjured up something outrageous, almost a rebellion against the rule of the game.

As if to make public his displeasure over the role assigned to his tribe, McGrath produced a maiden over, with a wicket to boot, in the Delhi Daredevils-Rajasthan Royals match and then Warne came up with a three-wicket haul against Kings XI Punjab that not only set the tone for the team’s first win, but also seemed his note of dissent to the rule-makers’ idea of the game.

It was a delight to see that through with the hustle and bustle of international cricket, the duo still retains the old charm. The tricks they picked, perfected and practised throughout their distinguished career still linger, almost like bad habits. Well, Twenty20 will still remain a batsman-biased business but they at least managed to dilute my cynicism.

Image: Phill Hillyard

Warne wants IPL to be part of ICC calendar

Shane Warne has a simple solution to rescue players from the moral dilemma of deciding between the Indian Premier League (IPL) and national commitments, if they coincide.

Make IPL part of international schedule, says the retired leggie.

Let's make it part of the international schedule and the ICC and the boards can create a new future tours program.

In his column for The Daily Telegraph, Warne also dismissed Cricket Australia’s objection that IPL might lead to a conflict of interests among the sponsors of the Australian team and those of the IPL.

… here in Australia, each state has cricket sponsors that differ from our national ones, so I don't buy that argument. This issue can be overcome

Warne simply can’t wait to get started and gushed

Imagine how good it would be seeing Glenn McGrath bowling to Adam Gilchrist, and M.S. Dhoni behind the stumps? Exciting, I reckon.

And he urges all to welcome the Twenty20 venture, instead of fighting it.

We should all be embracing the IPL rather than trying to fight it.

Image: Peter Nicholson (The Australian)

Gilly to go

Adam Gilchrist is about to hang up his gloves. Apparently, dropping VVS Laxman in the Perth Test prompted the decision.

Indeed, he has not been the same intimidating presence either in front or behind the stumps. But still cricket has not seen his kind before.

He has nipped many a bowling career in the bud. His batting in one dayers has been a trauma for pacers and spinners alike. Ricky Ponting, coming at number three, could not stop grinning as he often faced bowlers who had been already beaten to pulp by the swashbuckler southpaw.

And with Gilly behind the stumps – and I’m talking about his salad days – McGraths, Warnes, Gillespies and Lees looked even more formidable. Despite not being in the best of terms with the leggie, Gilly has often been Warne’s partner-in-crime. More batsman have taken the caught-Gilchrist-bowled-Warne way than other available roads to peril.

And not to forget that in the bunch that has been schooled to stand ground and make life difficult for the umpires, Gilly has been a welcome exception, a walker.

Gilly already boasts of more dismissals and tons than any glovesman in the history of the game and Australia might struggle to remain the same force once he departs.

Of catcalls, monkey chants, Guy the Gorilla and Incredible India!

Well, finally the ill-tempered Ind-Aus ODI series is over. While the BCCI, Cricket Australia and ICC dwell on the degree of racism, I’ve been taken aback by the discrimination displayed by cricket players and administrators towards the animal kingdom at large!

Reams have been written about monkey chants and reporters/columnists foamed in the mouth explaining how racist it was. But did anyone bother to spare a thought for the hapless monkeys?

For starters, catcalls are not considered compliments, but why is it that monkey chants constitute racial abuse? I mean this is a serious prejudice that has in fact the entire monkey species up in arms, knocking the door of the Simian Primates Rights Organisation, demanding an answer.

Much to the monkeys’ dismay, cricketers walk in hoping to have a WHALE of a time out there, commentators’ hail HAWKeye, tailenders are called RABBITS and FERRETS, fielders are positioned in COW corner and the entire Bangladesh team boasts of being the TIGERS. Scratching furiously their heads, the monkeys simply don’t know why cricket has no problems with other animals but all hell breaks loose when it comes to monkeys!

In fact it has been a long-standing injustice that continues to upset the monkeys. Knighted Ian Botham does not object to his nickname Guy the GORRILLA; Arun Lal does not mind being called PIGGY; Ajit Agarkar remains the Mumbai DUCK: and then you have Joel “Big BIRD” Garner, Darren “RHINO” Gough, Anil “JUMBO” Kumble, Clive “Super CAT” Lloyd, Glenn “PIGEON” McGrath, Dave “TADPOLE” Mohammed, Graeme “Little DOG” Pollock, Peter “Big DOG” Pollock…well the list is endless.

And finally, I must share a doubt of mine. Did part of the Indian crowd really intend to insult Andrew Symonds when they hurled those monkey chants and aped the apes at Wankhede? My doubt is that the Australians simply went bananas in this case and before you bay for my headstrong head, let me explain.

Indian culture is a marriage of tradition and modernity and hence vulnerable to misinterpretation by ill-informed critics. Well, first get our basics right. Man’s evolution from monkey is something taught in schools and I believe therein lies the secret.

Well, those who know Hindi know that “Are, Yeh To Baap Nikla!” is a compliment of highest order by an awestruck speaker, which literally would mean “Gosh! He Proved Our Father” but would actually mean,”He proved who’s the boss.”

Andrew Symonds has been the batting mainstay for Australia in the series against India and when he came to bat in the last ODI at Wankhede, two gentlemen – bona fide ambassadors of Indian culture – aped monkeys to imply “Are Yeh To Baap Se Bhi Aage (which means forefathers= monkeys) Nikla”.

Now if that tribute is misconstrued as racial abuse, one can only hope that next time other teams visit India, they just get versed with the culture here to avoid any misunderstanding about Incredible India.

Image: Getty Images

Take a bow, Jhulan!

So it’s official. Blue Billion, eat your heart out. They maybe demigods back home but the naked truth is the Men in Blue simply do not match up to the best in the business. And you have International Cricket Council (ICC) to vouch for that.

The ICC shortlist for its annual award doesn’t include a single player from the bunch led by Rahul Dravid. However, for India, the lone saving grace is Jhulan Goswami, that beanpole from the women’s team who is in the fray for the Women Cricketer of the Year award.

Australian captain Ricky Ponting is gunning for his second Sir Garfield Sobers Trophy as the Cricketer of the Year, even though the field has ‘former’ Pakistan run-glutton Mohammad Yousuf (who has deserted Pakistan Cricket Board and defected to Indian Cricket League), spin-phobe Kevin Pietersen and West Indian Shivnarine Chanderpaul of the anti-glare-strips-beneath-the-eyes fame.

The initial ICC long list had Zaheer Khan and Anil Kumble in the 'Test Player of the Year' category, while Yuvraj Singh figured in the ODI list. But when ICC announced a pruned up list, the Team India troika could not be sighted there.

Instead, Jhulan shines in company of Lisa Sthalekar (Australia) and Claire Taylor (England) and whether she wins the award or not, she has already stolen a march over her spoilt cousins in the Team India ranks. And for those unfamiliar with her, Jhulan bowls at a steady 120 kmph, slightly better than what a certain Irfan Pathan does these days.

For those who have not seen Jhulan in action, imagine Glenn McGrath undergoing a certain operation and turning up with the cherry in his…er…her…I mean, whatever, hand. The same, smooth run-up and the ability to land the ball on its seam delivery after delivery.

Jhulan was India’s vice captain in last year’s tour of England and left serious psychological dent in the opponent camp with her scorching pace. Thanks to her show, her side won the Test series there, and she the Player of the Series award.

So while we gloat and bloat over Dravid’s men’s comeback in the ODI series, spare a thought for Jhulan and take our hats off.

ICC Shortlist:

Cricketer of the Year: Shivnarine Chanderpaul (WI), Kevin Pietersen (Eng) ,Ricky Ponting (Aus) Mohammed Yousuf (Pak)

Test Player: Muttiah Muralitharan (SL), Kevin Pietersen (Eng), Ricky Ponting (Aus) , Mohammad Yousuf (Pak)

ODI Player: Matthew Hayden (Aus), Jacques Kallis (SA), Glenn McGrath (Aus), Ricky Ponting (Aus)

Emerging Player: Ravinder Bopara (Eng), Shakib Al Hasan (Bang), Shaun Tait (Aus), Ross Taylor (NZ)

Captain of the Year: Mahela Jayawardene (SL), Ricky Ponting (Aus)

Associate ODI Player of the Year: Ashish Bagai (Can), Thomas Odoyo (Ken), Ryan ten Doeschate (Neth), Steve Tikolo (Ken)

Umpire of the Year: Mark Benson, Steve Bucknor, Simon Taufel

Women's Cricketer of the Year: Jhulan Goswami (Ind), Lisa Sthalekar (Aus), Claire Taylor (Eng)

Image: Touchline Photo

ICL woos Gough, Deano out to rope in stars

(Gough ready to come to the party)


The rebel Indian Cricket League gets rolling with Darren Gough, the roly-poly England discard, saying that he is game for the ICL and Dean Jones, distinguished Executive Board member, hinting that he would add some Australian names to the line-up.

Since Gough won BBC’s ‘Strictly Come Dancing’, the England and Wales Cricket Board (ECB) started believing that ‘Dazzler’ is more adept at shaking the leg than hurling the cherry. Gough clung on to his World Cup dream but ECB did not relent. So where he goes from here? Gough said India.

"Of course it (ICL) would interest me, I hope they give me a call. I'm 36 now, Warney and Brian Lara are a year or so older than me, so if there is a chance to play in an older guys' Twenty20 then I'd be up for it," he added.

Gough was referring to reports that claimed Brian Lara, Glenn McGrath and Shane Warne are likely to be part of the circus.

Meanwhile, Prof Deano (Remember his pre-match analysis for an Indian channel? Alas
how low a former cricketer can stoop for a few bucks) is out on the prowl with a ‘hit list’ in his pocket.

Deano, however, sought to make a point when he said "We haven't got as much money as some people think".

Thanks to their scrapped Zimbabwe tour, Australian players have a long break till September and Deano wants to sound out the Aussies to find out if they are game to earn some easy bucks. Ditto with international players without any county cricket.

“There are always concerns about Australians playing county cricket because they play so much, but there will be openings for them to play in our matches. A) they can earn some extra money and, b) it won't be as taxing on their bodies. There are a few lining up," Deano said.

Image: ianvictoria.co.uk

Only if it could silence the guns…

(Can they apply balm to the war wounds with a win tomorrow?)

Hours before the final showdown, Ricky Ponting has expectedly initiated the psychological warfare.

“If Barbados has the pace and bounce it had for the last couple of games, it should play into our hands beautifully,” Punter thundered, hinting he would unleash his pace battery on a lively Barbados track to bounce out the Lankans.

Glenn McGrath too joined the skirmish before the war. The Pigeon has scalped Sanath Jayasuriya seven times in his career and he wants him one last time tomorrow.

"In Australia I have always been reasonably successful against him, and I think the bounce has nicked him out quite a few times," Pigeon squeaked. Again, this was expected. McGrath has always been fond of such pre-match banter.

What was not really expected was Sanath Jayasuriya, that Matara Marauder, matching Punter and Pigeon decibel for decibel.

“'It doesn't matter what they bowl to me. I have been around long enough in international cricket to face any sort of bowling-if they bounce me, I can pull and hook as well… It's not as if we haven't played on bouncier pitches," Jayasuriya replied.

But all these rhetoric and saber-rattling seem irrelevant, even vulgar, when Muttiah Muralitharan takes a broad view and says he wants to win the cup to help his strife-torn countrymen forget, even if for a few hours, their troubled times.

"It would be a bigger achievement than all my personal records…It will act as an inspiration for youngsters and we being a team of different nationalities, it could also help tide over the problems our nation faces.

"We are going through a bad situation in our country but this could achieve something different," said Murali, a minority Tamil player. In fact the current squad has a Sinhala Buddhist in Jayasuriya, a Sinhala catholic in Chaminda Vaas, a Muslim in Farveez Maharoof and also a Tamil Catholic in Russel Arnold. Cricket has shown in Sri Lanka what it is capable of and that’s the best part of the game.

For a change, the LTTE Tigers have remote control in their hands not to explode a mine, but just to switch on innocuous TV sets in their hideouts; for once, they would acknowledge Jayasuriya, and not a certain Velupillai Prabhakaran, is the real Master Blaster.

Now if one more World Cup triumph could have silenced all the guns in this teardrop island in the Indian Ocean, I guess even a title-hungry Ponting would not mind losing for once. May the deserving team win tomorrow’s World Cup final.

Tongue-in-Cheek and Foot-in-Mouth

(Usual suspect: McGrath exchanging pleasantries with Sarwan)


.....You don't want people saying to your kids, 'Your father is a bastard': Glenn McGrath

For some, sanity prevails late, but it does prevail in the end. Anyway, better late than never. Glenn McGrath suddenly woke up to a reality and says he does not want the world to remember him as a sledger.

This is what Pigoen said at the fag end of his career:

"You don't want people saying to your kids, 'Your father is a bastard'. I'm playing cricket because I love it, and if I'm out there getting angry all the time that's not what it's about. The times when I did blow up I used to regret it afterwards …"

Surprisingly, a sickly tribe still insists sledging is more a problem with the sub-continent countries which often fail to realise the culturtal difference and try to blow it out of proportion. Hopefully Pigeon’s admission would help them regain sanity.

Incidentally, McGrath is not the lone Aussie larrikin, Justin Langer too is disturbed by the menace.

"I don't believe in it (sledging) and it is something that has disturbed me over the years, particularly when Glenn McGrath and Ramnaresh Sarwan were involved in an ugly incident in 2003."

Punter, howeber, does not buy Pigeon’s theory. On the contrary, Ricky Ponting in fact ridiculed Langer's No Sledge Pledge.

"There must be two Justin Langers in the world I think. I don't know what's happened there. But I know the little fella was never too far away from it if something was going on."

Anyway, we take this opportunity to recall some of the sideshows that went along the cricket matches. Here goes some choicest expletives…A Perfect 10 for you.

1. Glenn McGrath v Eddo Brandes:

Pigeon was bowling to the Zimbabwe number 11 and Brandes’s bat was nowhere near the ball. A frustrated McGrath yelled "Why are you so fat?" Not to be outdone, Brandes replied,"Because every time I make love to your wife, she gives me a biscuit."

2. Viv Richards vs Greg Thomas:

Thomas, the Glamorgan pacer, thought he had won the battle after beating King Richards’ bat a couple of times. "It's red, round and weighs about five ounces, in case you were wondering," was his words to the batsman. The next ball duely disappeared over the ropes and Richards replied “Greg, you know what it looks like. Now go and find it."

3. Merv Hughes vs Robin Smith:

This one followed the same script. The Big Bad Hughes had beaten Smith a couple of times in the 1989 Lord's Test before giving him a piece of his mind. "You can't f***ing bat, mate."

Smith hit the next one for a four and shared his thought. "Hey Merv, we make a fine pair. I can't f***ing bat and you can't f***ing bowl."

4. Rod Marsh vs Ian Botham:

Beefy had just taken guard in the Ashes match when Iron Gloves greeted him saying: "So how's your wife and my kids?"

5. Daryll Cullinan vs Shane Warne:

Warne was licking lips in anticipation when Cullinan, his bunny, was taking guard. Warnie in fact could not resist but inform the Protea that he had been waiting two years for another chance to humiliate him. Cullinan decided he had to won this war. "Looks like you spent it eating" he retorted.

6. Adam Parore vs Daryll Cullinan (my favourite):

Cullinan – having already earned the reputation as Warne's bunny by then – carefully prodded a Chris Harris delivery in the match against New Zealand when Parore yelled "Bowled Warnie!".

7. James Ormond vs Mark Waugh:

Ormond was not particularly impressed during the Ashes tour when Mark Waugh greeted him with these words... "**** me, look who it is. Mate, what are you doing out here? There's no way you're god enough to play for England". Undaunted, Ormond replied: "Maybe not, but at least I'm the best cricketer in my family".

8. Ravi Shastri vs an Aussie 12th man:

Ah, an Indian at last. Ravi Shastri hit one to the fielder and was looking for a single. "If you leave the crease I'll break your ****ing head", the fielder said. Pat came Shastri’s reply, “If you could bat as well as you can talk you wouldn't be the ****ing 12th man".

9. Malcolm Marshall vs David Boon:

An Australian outsledged! A Marshall in his pomp had Boon in all sort of trouble. Finally the pace legend went forward with a proposal: "Now David, are you going to get out now or am I going to have to bowl around the wicket and kill you?"

10. Glen McGrath vs Ramnaresh Sarwan:

Ok, I don’t want my blog to run into trouble. You find it on the net for yourself. Sorry for the inconvenience.

McGrath says he has no offer for rebel league in India

Contradicting claims by the organisers, Glenn McGrath said he has not been approached for the rebel Indian Cricket League, with a winner's purse of $1m.

The Pigeon is not keen on joining the ICL either, once he calls it quits after the World Cup.

Presently busy plotting Australia's World Cup hat-trick in the Caribbeans, McGrath was rather irked by the rumour and his agent said,"Glenn can confirm that neither him nor his manager have been approached and his singular focus is on the World Cup."

The story doing the round was that the Essel Group, headed by Subhas Chandra, was on the verge of roping in the Aussie quartet of McGrath, his old partner-in-crime Shane Warne, Justin Langer and Michael Slater for the ICL.

And now Radio Jamaica adds fuel to the speculation fire claiming Brian Lara too is likely to be part of the circus.

Spare the Dead, Please

Woody Allen insists he doesn’t dread death, but just doesn’t want to be there when it happens. My stance is more or less the same, fools never differ, after all.

And it’s even more grotesque when you drag the dead. The deceased should be allowed to rest in peace and nobody has any business to disturb that. Not even he’s Sunil Gavaskar.

When they are through with the game, retired cricketers earn their bread talking trash and thankfully, Gavaskar has been a glorious exception to that ever-increasing rule. And so it was even more unwarranted when he cited David Hookes’ death in front of a Melbourne bar to buttress his Ugly Australian Theory.

I don’t disagree with his UAT – again it’s great minds and fools, put me where you want – but to drag Hookes out of his grave left a bitter taste in mouth. Naturally, Ricky Ponting, Allan Border, Darren Lehmann, Glenn McGrath and Brad Hodge retorted with the kind of vengeance seen in them only during the Ashes.

Gavaskar finally came out with an apology and kudos to him for that. This was a complete unwanted mud-slinging and I think he can be forgiven after saying SORRY. Let Hookie rest in peace.

I simply abhor the idea of dragging the dead and the news that Woolmer’s autopsy was inconclusive and hence would require more tests pain me more. Post-mortem, autopsy, dissection, mortuary – these sickly words make me shrink. These are perhaps unavoidable in case of unnatural death but I detest body-tampering almost as much as ball-tampering. Even after the soul has left the world, rigor mortis has set in and stream of tears has started to trickle down on the surrounding cheeks, the body remains at the centre of a gruesome action.

At a time when science (or is it technology in that disguise?) is busy innovating flavoured condoms, Porridge Gun, Springy Boots, Techno Trousers, fruitless seed, I mean, seedless fruit, can’t they do something to save the deceased body from the disgrace? Or is it asking for too much?