Misssing chapter of Shoaib Akhtar's autobiography: Bradman, Sobers…

As you read in the previous post, Shoaib Akhtar, in the original manuscript of “Controversially Yours”, dismissed WG Grace in 11 paras.

The Pakistani iconoclast took his political incorrectness to another level, devoting just about three-and-half lines for Don Bradman and Gary Sobers each.

According to him, Bradman owes his immortality to a madcap statistician; Sobers’ six sixes off a Malcolm Nash over was fishier than any of those ponds in Poschimbongo; and that Muralitharan was robbed of 13 bona fide scalps by lazy-bum scorers.

He also claims umpire Billy Bowden is not actually an umpire!

For his views on some of cricket’s most compelling characters, read on:

Don Bradman: “Bradman’s test average was actually 9.996 but the record book has it 99.96 because the statistician with a strong sense of aesthetics felt placing the decimal in the middle with two digits on either side looked better.”

Garfield Sobers: “Sobers’ six sixes was the first instance of computer generated imagery, used subsequently in making movies like Jurassic Park and The Terminator”;

Jim Laker: “Laker's 19 wickets in the 1956 Old Trafford test included 5 that Tony Lock took but couldn't be credited for because the box next to Lock’s name in the scoresheet had been smudged by an inadvertent ink-drop from the leaking pen of the absent-minded scorer”.

Muttiah Muralitharan: “Murali actually took 813 wickets but 13 of them were awarded to Vaas by lazy scorers once they realised writing VAAS takes 1/3rd time of writing MURALITHARAN”;

Billy Bowden: “Bowden is actually contortonist umpiring under duress since Sharad Pawar has kidnapped his family”.

Live from Chennai : SA v Zimbabwe warm-up match!

1645: Zimbabwer 127/6 after 36 overs. S Africa skipper Graeme Smith has employed 8 bowlers so far. No South African seems safe anymore. By this rate, the ailing Nelson Mandela will be bowling the 49th over. Mind it, Mandela wished them luck before they started for India.

1647: South Africa unleashed their Pakistan-born spinner Imran Tahir in this match. He's an uncapped player. With such richly streaked hair, anyone would prefer to remain without a cap. Those who came late, Tahir settled in S Africa to marry a girl he had been stumped by in 1998 when he was a member of the visiting Pakistan U-19 team. True love took him to S Africa. I suspect, it could be the ISD bill.

1700: Tatenda Taibu fell for a golden duck. In yesterday's media session, Taibu said he was Shah Rukh Khan's son's favourite cricketer in KKR days. Let us forgive such childish immaturity.

1708: Tahir reminds us only change is constant. He changes end, from Pattabhiraman End to Pavilion End and back to Pattabhiraman End. You sort of feel for him. Cricket fields sure can have more than two ends.

1719: Zimbabwe all out for 152 in 42nd over. They looked in a greater hurry to leave the field than Mubarak would be to leave Cairo.
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1725: Five TNCA groundsmen roll the pitch at innings break. A recurring theme in Doosra, Ramesh Powar would have rendered the roller redundant.

1728: Nearly one thousand crowd turned up for the match. Either most of has have no purpose in life or we can't resist watching brothers fighting each other. As of now, Big Brother S Africa has pinned down continental brother Zimbabwe.

1731: S Africa open with Hashim Amla. Bowler Chris Mpofu can lodge a legitimate complain that he can't see 'keeper Taibu's face because of Amla's flowing beard that stands in the way.

1737: An obese South African support staff walks past sightscreen with great difficulty. If you know how to do it and have a nice knife, you can carve out two support staff out of him.

1901: Hashim Amla falls, Kallis walks in. Zimbabweans not sure if removing Amla was a good idea. Doosra seconds demand to call Amla the W.G. Grace of his generation (only the beard is black) and Kallis the modern-age Sobers.

1907: Salim Malik...err...Salim Ali would know the birds currently hovering over MA Chinnaswamy Stadium. Doosra can vouch it's not Dickie Bird. Circling like vultures would but Tsotsobe was only injured and got up after two minutes of his impersonation of a corpse.

1911: Kallis loses his boot while running, which is any day better than getting the footwear. Voucher will Bouch...err...Boucher will vouch for that.

1919: Kallis hits Cremer for two sixes and Smith whacks Lamb for one. In the same area where the crowd number has swollen to 10K! They are playing to the galleries now.

0105: Match ended some 5 hours before. In the post-match press conference, Graeme Smith said the track was under-prepared. Maybe but as long as lives are not lost and the same track is offered to both sides, don't really know why he cribs. Team manager says there is still some life in Lonwabo Tsotsobe, who will be assessed in the morning. Will be back in Chennai for Kenya v NZ...quite a murky tie...err...make it marquee.

P.S. Soul? Forget it. At best, I'm the master of my sole and my posts would be erratic and sporadic throughout the World Cup. Readers have been kinder to Doosra than Manmohan Singh has been to A Raja and hope you bear with me.

Tributes to Gilchrist

As Adam Gilchrist prepares to hang up his gloves, teammates, former coach, peers and even the Australian Prime Minister doffed their hat at the wonderful entertainer.

Here is a collection of who said what:

Peter Roebuck, noted cricket writer and former Somerset captain:

Adam Gilchrist has given more outright joy to followers of the game than any cricketer since Sir Garfield Sobers. He will be missed as a cricketing force, as a contributor and as an entertainer.

Kim Hughes, former Australia captain:

Wicketkeeper-batsmen will always be compared to Gilly and they will never be as good.

Mark Boucher, days after losing his world record to Gilly:

He revolutionised the game in terms of being a wicketkeeper-batsman…He is the guy who set the tone for everyone else in the game, and he has changed it forever.

Rod Marsh, former Aussie stumper:

…whoever replaces him will have enormous shoes to fill.

Sourav Ganguly:

… he must be the greatest wicketkeeper-batsman ever.

Kevin Ruud, Australian Prime Minister:

As his prime minister (I) said, 'Gilly you need to reconsider,' and he told me he wasn't.

Ian Healy, who lost his place in the side to Gilly.

It's very easy to talk about his batting, but it was his glovework right from day one, in his first Test match in Brisbane, that I liked.

John Buchanan, former coach:

Possibly his loss is more than even Shane Warne and Glenn McGrath.

Jason Gillespie:

He just loved being around the lads in the dressing room, having a laugh.

Anil Kumble:

He changed the way countries would look at wicketkeepers.

Kumar Sangakkara:

He pioneered the wicketkeeper-batsman role.

England ODI captain Paul Collingwood gives voice to what bowlers worldwide felt:

Thank God for that.

Image: AFP

Sobers, Weeks defend Lara

The line of demarcation between good and great is fortunately rather thick and time and again, the greats amaze us by retaining their sanity while madness plagues the good. I'm talking about former players and this is in response to reports that Gary Sobers and Everton Weeks have thrown their weight behind the beleaguered Brian Lara.

You don't need to be a cricket pundit to say that Lara's team is struggling. The fact is you don't bother about helping hands and consoling words when your team is doing well. You need them in the hour of crisis and the trio of Michael Holding, Joel Garner and Colin Croft took just that opportunity to bay for Lara's blood. Notice the timing, in the middle of the World Cup.

West Indies cricket owes much of its slump to enemy within and the three-pronged attack against Lara only vindicates that.

Fortunately, as against them, we also have the likes of Sir Gary Sobers and Everton Weeks who retains the same sense of timing that has been te hallmark of their batting in its pomp.

“There have always been criticisms about Lara. I don’t know what people expect of him. I don’t know if the people expect him to hold their (the players) hands and to take them away and make them perform," Sobers wondered.

"...I don’t think there is a person who has that same knowledge and that same ability as Brian Lara."

Weeks reminded a captain is as good as the team he has at his disposal.

"All of the great captains had great teams. Lara has not got a great team and I wouldn’t go as far as saying that he should be fired."