7 IPL auction sub-plots!

1. IPL has precipitated the Armageddon by putting monkeygate protagonists Harbhajan Singh and Andrew Symonds in the same team;

2. Vadodara is about to seek separate nationhood, convinced that the money Pathan brothers fetched from IPL auction is enough to sustain a nascent nation;

3. One of the team owners with an obvious zombie expression was so thick-headed that auctioneer, at one point, asked her if he could use it as the hammer;

4. Anil Kumble opted out of IPL because he feared Rajasthan Royals might be interested in him and there are enough scientific evidences to prove the indelible scars that Shilpa Shetty's non-stop giggling can leave on human psyche;

5. Sid Mallya was the only owner with a scientific outlook. Few realised his mohawk was actually a subtle anti-thesis to Newton's law of gravitation;

6. There was so much coldness between Preity Zinta and Ness Wadia that every cappuccino they ordered turned tropical iceberg in no time:

7. In a last throw of dice, Pakistan agreed to export onions to India, offering one cricketer free per sack but IPL governing council members said they have got used to salad sans onion.

How KKR can still win IPL III

Apparently, we have seen the last of KKR in IPL III.

Ganguly’s rare athleticism, Gayle’s blings and shades, McCullum’s tattoos, Shah Rukh Khan’s soppy tweets, Juhi Chawla’s smiles that actually met at the back of her head, the foulness of the jersey's colour scheme…nothing could bring home the bacon.

But not everything is lost yet. Miracles do happen, although not as frequently as Lalit Modi’s Twitters.

With a pinch of enterprise and bit of luck, KKR can STILL win IPL III and here is how.

1. First the cinch. SRK unleashes a charm offensive and convinces Herr Lalit Modi to pluck Ramalinga Raju out of Chanchalguda jail and entrust him with the number-punching job.

It would take some persuasion indeed but once achieved, the only job left would be to put the bubbly on ice for an April 25 uncorking. Golly!

2. SRK gets Fuhrer Modi to tweak the rules and decide that the title would go to the team owner with most Tweets against his name. And no prize for guessing that SRK wins hands down here. Yippee! 

Of his rivals, Nita Ambani apparently reckons Twitter is another oil company owned by her husband and you can’t blame her for that. Among others, Preity Zinta suspects Twitter is a sequel to ‘Twister’, Vijay Mallya is cocksure it’s an F1 videogame while Shilpa Shetty believes it’s a reality show and is in fact planning to sue the racist producer for leaving her out.

3. SRK seeks divine intervention and the script goes along these lines.  Ganguly and gang are, as his wont, late in arriving for the prize giving ceremony at DY Patil Stadium and a devastating earthquake gobbles up other seven teams.

Deals have been signed and TV rights have been peddled. So Monsieur Modi sees no other option but to handover the title to the lone survivors KKR, who go home praising Ganguly’s vision. Whoopee!

4. IPL turns out to be actually a Karan Johar movie in which SRK looks utterly unconvincing and sensationally silly all along but still ends up on the winning side in the end.

Preity Zinta and her struggle to stay positive

Stripped of captaincy, your marquee player sulks all day and then sneaks out of team hotel in the dead of night.

The new captain feels awkward and doesn't even understand the language he is lampooned in.

You have an Englishman who just didn't want to be here before lucre did him in.

The long and short of it is that you find yourself pretty much in a hole.

So what do you do? You tell yourself you won’t cave in and remain positive, come what may.

Sensible indeed, one has to concede.

But getting an HIV positive woman to toss the coin! Isn’t it stretching the positive stuff too far Ms Zinta?

7 players and why they hit IPL jackpot

1. Kieron Pollard: To fill the Resident Hairdo Weirdo's post lying vacant since Robin Uthappa left Mumbai Indians;

2. Shane Bond: To bolster West Bengal Police which cut such a sorry figure against the Maoists;

3. Mohd Kaif: Owes his contract to misunderstanding. With Preity Zinta nursing a sore heart, Kings XI Punjab wanted an actress for their new video and thought Katrina Kaif was on offer. Ms Zinta later strongly resented this skullduggery by Lalit Modi;

4. Eoin Morgan: A man of well-known scruples, Vijay Mallya wanted a Catholic taster for his breweries. Besides, he was under the impression that the stripling was ICC chief David Morgan's offspring;

5. Damien Martyn: The mothballed veteran was plucked out of retirement to fill the babysitting void at Rajasthan Royals since Kamran Akmal was not at hand;

6. Wayne Parnell: Delhi Daredevils could not get over its infatuation for players nicknamed 'Pigeon';

7. Yousuf Abdulla: Hear it here first. A grateful Lalit Modi paid the money from his pocket as a Thank-You gesture to South Africa for hosting IPL II.

Welcome to Cricket Inc, and that’s the way out gentlemen

# Australian players yet to see the money they were promised
# Kolkata Knight Riders shows the door to five players
# Royal Challengers Bangalore jettisons Charu Sharma
# Team Mohali asks fringe players to shift to less-opulent hotels

Well, I don’t expect foreign imports to be jolted out of their illusion of a dollar deluge yet. But by now, some of them must have regained enough sense to realize that the Indian Premier League is not exactly the El Dorado.

But to be honest, they are not the only ones who felt the moneybag franchise owners have ankle-deep pockets. So did we. And some of the players clearly saw only the chequebook on one hand of their owner, completely overlooking the whip on the other. Suddenly, quite a handful of them have been driven out of their comfort zone.

Welcome to Cricket Inc. Perform of perish.

Behind her bubbly eyes, Preity Zinta is as much an entrepreneur as her thoroughbred fiancé; beneath the veneer of his charm, Shah Rukh Khan is a fierce salesman who has succeeded in monetizing a dimpled smile; and for the Ambanis and Mallyas – they have been schooled to believe that loss is essentially a four-letter word, which also happens to be the eighth deadly sin.

With IPL reaching its business end, and this is the apt phrase, now it’s clearly showing who’s the boss. With Charu Sharma went out a clear message for Dravid, Kallis, Ponting, Laxman as well as Cheteshwar Pujara and Ranadeb Bose. It’s out and out a cut-throat business proposition. No wonder, Shah Rukh is dealing in flying kisses these days, and Preity in hugs. Mallya apparently doesn’t care a hoot for niceties and Ambani does not think it worth making an appearance in the venues. Wife Nita, no wonder she handles charitable arm of Reliance industries, is representing the family these days.

Well guys, welcome to Cricket Inc. and that is the way out. Thank you very much.

Indian Premier League woos celebs, biz bigwigs

The suspense is over and BCCI has finally laid the cards on table. Shahrukh Khan, Mukesh Ambani and Vijay Mallya have bagged some of the bids and it would be interesting to see how they fare in this uncharted territory. Analysis can wait, let's get the facts first.

I Thought I should share the BCCI release that landed in my inbox with you all (excerpts):

• Bids were received from: Red Chillies Entertainment, DLF, UB Group, Deccan Chronicle Holdings, GMR Holdings, RIL, India Cements, Deutsche Bank, Emeralds Telecoms, Priety Zinta and Emerging Media (UK).

• Late bids were received from: Sahara India, Future Group, ICICI Ventures

IPL Franchise Winners Are (And How Much They Are To Shell Out)

• Delhi – GMR Holdings at USD$ 84 m

• Mumbai – RIL Pvt Ltd at USD$ 111.9 m

• Chennai – The India Cements Ltd at USD$ 91m

• Bangalore – UB Group at USD$ 111.6 m

• Mohali – Preity Zinta/Ness Wadia/Karan Paul/ Mohit Burman at USD$ 76 m

• Jaipur – Emerging Media at USD$ 67 m

• Hyderabad – The Deccan Chronicle at USD$ 107.01

• Kolkata – Shahrukh Khan/Juhi Chawla/Jay Mehta at USD$75.09m

Some other points:

• Each Franchisee bid to own teams in any 8 of the 12 cities that satisfy the eligibility criteria

• The 12 cities are: Kolkata, Mumbai, Ahmedabad, Chennai, Bangalore, Cuttack, Kanpur, Gwalior, Mohali, Jaipur, Delhi, Hyderabad

• IPL has contracted the Top 80 Players according to ICC Rankings

• The IPL Player Auction to be held in Feb ’08, and will allow each Franchisee to bid for the Indian national team and overseas players contracted by the IPL

• A maximum of 8 overseas players will be allowed per Franchisee

• The Franchisees in consultation with IPL will finalize the appropriate Names for the Teams

• Team Names will be associated with the city or area they are based in

• The tournament will begin on 18th April ‘08

• There will be 59 matches spread over 44 days, with 2 matches every Saturday and every Sunday

• IPL franchisees to get following returns:

• 1. Central revenues:

• a. 80% of TV revenues in Yrs 1-5, and 60% from Yrs 5-10

• b. 60% of Sponsorship revenues from Yrs 1-10

• 2. 100% of Local revenues: Gate revenues, Franchisee Shirt sponsorship, Local sponsorship, Licensing programme, Uniform Merchandising, Hospitality and Premium seating, Match-day Concessions, Match-day promotions, Franchise media platforms.

• Till Date IPL has successfully raised a total of USD$ 1.749 billion which is INR 6996 crores.