Inside the Palace of Lalit (IPL)

Servant: Sir you have been so busy, no Max Mobile Time Out at all. Couldn’t tell you that one of your dogs is missing.
 

LM: What? Which one?

Servant: Million Dollar. We were airing her along with Tender, Franchise and Eyeball when Million Dollar broke loose.
 

LM: Gosh! What the hell you people do? All incompetent nincompoops. Now the Million Dollar question is where it could have gone?
 

Servant: Sir, actually Million Dollar had an affair with neighbourhood Subhashbabu’s dog.
 

LM: Subhashbabu’s dog! You mean that ICL! Have to teach a lesson to Subhashbabu. You just can’t have your dog hobnobbing with Million Dollar when you don’t have the official flirting rights.
 

Servant: Too late sir, damage has already been done. Million Dollar has delivered six kittens.
 

LM: What! A DLF Maximum! But that is an unauthorized association! We have to lure away the entire dog family. Dangle that Amnesty dog biscuit and bring them back. Whole family, you understand?
 

Servant: Whole family! Including ICL? Wow, that will be a Karbonn Kamal Catch sir!
 

LM: Yes, I’m waiting for that Citi Moment of Success when all the dogs will be here and Subhashbabu will have only himself to go airing with. Hahahah.

To Tigers, with love, from Tendulkar

Sachin Tendulkar dedicated his ton to the tigers. Well, hitting centuries is what he has been doing since birth and having exhausted the list of mankind, I reckon at some point of time, looking beyond was an inevitability.

At the same time, there are others as well who owe a similar dedication of their moments of glory to creatures other than human and it’s worth having a look at them.

1. Andrew Symonds to Fishes: Catching them is more fun than catching say, a Harbhajan Singh. Besides, fishes never taunted him, racially or otherwise;
2. Harbhajan Singh to Monkeys: As atonement for racially abusing them in the Sydneygate episode; alternatively,
Harbhajan Singh to Kiwis: For his new-found similarity with the guileless and flightless bird;
3. Mohd Yousuf to Chameleons: As a mark of appreciation after borrowing the whole range of colours from them and completing the ICL-IPL-ICL cycle;
4. M S Dhoni to Goats: Atonement for sacrificing one of them in a Ranchi temple; alternatively,
Dhoni to Buffalos: As a mark of gratitude after guzzling gallons of milk, triggering malnutrition among the livestock population in the country;
5. Ajit Agarkar to Ducks: For self-explanatory reasons;
6. Steve Bucknor to Rhinoceros: For lending him their hide and then forgetting about it;
7. Mudassar Nazar to Snails: Legend has it that Nazar’s longstanding jogging partner used to be a snail, which would patiently wait for him at the bend of the road in Lahore after they had started together in the morning.

Order of the Put Before Disorder

Australia is shrinking but environment activists need not disrobe or/and demonstrate. This is strictly about Australian representation at Indian Premier League II.

Epitome of larrikin patriotism Ricky Ponting put Country before IPL and summarily booked himself a Companion of the Order of Australia medallion. This was the precise the provocation behind putting together a list of seven other cricketers who put something before some other thing in recent past.

Sample what comes first for whom.

1. Mohd ‘Yo-Yo’ Yousuf: Put Christianity before Islam, Islam before Christianity, ICL before Pakistan, IPL before ICL, ICL before IPL, Pakistan before ICL…to be continued.

2. Brad ‘Machiavelli’ Haddin: Put gloves before stumps.

3. Michael ‘Love-struck’ Clarke: Pre-vice captaincy, put ailing father-in-law before team; post-vice captaincy, put team before marriage. Pup skipped IPL I to be with ailing Pop-in-Law and now cricket commitment puts his marriage with Lara Bingle on hold.

4. Allen ‘Fraud’ Stanford: Put himself before law. Now he comes first, followed by Vijay Singh, Michael Owen, Kevin Pietersen, ECB, WICB and FBI sleuthhounds.

5. Bryce ‘Sleepy’ McGain: Put a sound sleep before a cricket tour and missed the flight to South Africa. What else you expected from someone who knew Australia had sleepless nights ahead?

6. Andrew ‘Fredalo’ Flintoff: Uncannily, he too preferred a nap before a tour and almost missed England’s flight to the Windies. Doosra is told it was part of his preparation for the tour. The nocturnal booze cruise in the Caribbeans to be precise.

7. Mitchell ‘Cupid’ Johnson: Put girl friend before Queensland. ‘Midge’ dumped Queensland and moved to Western Australia to be with his lady love Jessica Bratich. Jessica being the national karate champion, it’s not known whether Midge did it under duress.

(P.S. Doosra takes a nine-day break, solely because it's my last chance to dissuade my parents from completely disowning their unworthy son. So friends, Roman and countrymen, make the most of my absence, enjoy every nano-second of it before I return and hit back with vengeance. See you all. Happy blogging)

Doosra Annual Award 2008

Light…camera…action.

Time for red carpet, stealth light, stretch limos, bowties, pinstripes and black satin gowns. As another year goes by, welcome to the second Doosra Annual Award Gala Night. A tradition started last year, Doosra doles out the annual gongs and the winners are:

Col Gaddafi Club Membership: MS Dhoni, the only other living person with a retinue of female bodyguards.

Australian National Sportfishing Association (ANSA) Man of the Year: Andrew ‘gone-fishing’ Symonds (he’ll collect the award after returning from the fishing trip).

Yo-Yo award: Mohd Yousuf, for completing the ICL-IPL-ICL cycle.

Alcoholic Anonymous Citation: Paul Harris for his legendary candour after South Africa won the Melbourne Test. ("I don't think there's enough beer in all of Australia to satisfy us tonight.”)

Overthrow of the Year: Muntazer al-Zaidi. Having two simultaneous attempts at George W Bush and missing both speaks volume of his waywardness.

Best Ducking of the Year: George W Bush. Ducking two beamers at the same time is a feat beyond lesser mortals and this guy evaded two size 10 shoes hurled at him from less than 22 yards with no umpire to call it NO! Cricket’s loss has been politics’ loss as well.

Anti-Gambling Movement Appreciation Medal: Ishant Sharma for his taming of the ‘Punter’.

Lifetime Shit-Midas Trophy: Greg Chappell. Everything he touched became shit. Look at Australia.

Annual Humble Pie Award: Kevin Pietersen, for his pie-chucker comments.

Lapidary Association Medallion: Sachin Tendulkar, for advocating the evolutionary stone-to-milestone theory.

The VIBGYOR Trophy: Adam Gilchrist, for badmouthing Tendulkar in ‘True Colours of My Life’ and then changing colour and crying hosanna of the Little Master.

Poppy Growers’ Appreciation Medal: Mohd Asif.

Gandhi Truth Award: Gautam Gambhir for his blatant truth that elbowing Shane Watson "wasn’t deliberate".

From toast of the nation to pariah

India doesn’t know how to treat her heroes – Arjuna Ranatunga.

Alas, only the context changes and Ranatunga remains as relevant as ever.

If you’ve followed BCCI moves over the past some months, you tend to believe:

i. it was the forefather of one of the Board mandarins who smote Eddie Hemmings for four sixes in a row to avoid follow-on in that 1990 Lord’s Test;

ii. Anil Kumble is the first Indian to take 400 Test wickets;

iii. India got 175 runs extras in that crucial 1983 World Cup tie against Zimbabwe; and

iv. India won the 1983 World Cup without a helmsman and with a 10-man squad.

Indeed, affluenza-stricken Sharad Pawar and his fellow partners-in-crime in the cash-awash Board have not left any stone unturned in their effort to establish that Kapil Dev simply didn’t exist!

Since aligning with the ICL, Kapil has been ousted from the NCA – a decision yet to be conveyed to him, lost his pension (maybe because he was donating the amount to an NGO dealing with children), plans were dropped to rename the Mohali stadium after him, his mural was removed from the stadium and BCCI grudgingly agreed to felicitate him along with the rest of the 1983 World Cup winning team.

Make no mistake, not that I’m a great admirer of the man. For sure, Kapil keeps dubious company and he may froth at the mouth but all his promoting-cricket blah-blah is complete crap and it was Subhas Chandra’s moolah that led him to ICL.

But how on earth can you deny the fact that he led us to the Holy Grail in 1983 and, apologies to innumerable imposters and perpetual pretenders hovering around, is the only genuine all-rounder produced by India?

The board has treated him like a pariah. He has been dealt as if a stigma, not only a persona non grata but also He Who Should Not Be Seen With.

But what the BCCI pooh-bahs forgot is that cricketers necessitate administrators, and not the other way round. Umpteen Pawars and Modis have come and history has dumped them in the bottomless pit of oblivion. But legends live on.

That magical knock against Zimbabwe, the stunning catch of King Richards running backward…Kapil presided over that unforgettable Triumph of the Underdogs, the biggest upset in the world since David slew Goliath.

You can remove a mural alright. But fortunately, they are yet to discover a way to erase what is etched in the collective memory of the umpteen cricket fans.

Auction? We are not livestock!

Adam Gilchrist felt like a cow and Rahul Dravid hopes it would not happen again. I had gone to meet captains of the all eight Indian Cricket League (ICL) where I asked them how they perceive the idea of cricketers being auctioned. Here is what some of them felt.

Inzamam-ul-Haq (Lahore Badshah): I think it does not sound nice to hear a cricketer being auctioned or sold. They could have easily avoided it and done it in a better way. It is not something I would be keen to see happening with myself. I’m happy with ICL and thank god, I’m not up for grabs.

Marvan Atapattu (Delhi Giants): I think the bidding was an indication of your worth. But they should not have done it in the open. Maybe some players found it humiliating. (Asked if it was a case of sour grapes and Marvan said). I’m where I opted for and I’m happy being here. I’m enjoying my assignment.

Stuart Law (Hyderabad Heroes): It was quite an innovative idea. You can see the auctioning from both ways. But I’m happy doing what I’m doing in ICL and I don’t regret anything.

Image: Reuters

IPL-bound Warne sees business opportunity in India

Trust Shane Warne to be explicit in whatever he does. All set to play to the gallery again at the Indian Premier League (IPL), Warne says he sees it as an opportunity to get in touch with the right people in India to find greener business pasture.

In his column for ‘The Times’, the man with the fastest – and dirtiest, claim detractors – fingers on keypad - says

Who knows what other opportunities in business may crop up through contact with people behind the franchises? For example, I would like to help to take Advanced Hair Studios into India and this may be a way in.

In the column, Warnie says both IPL and the rebel Indian Cricket League (ICL) would do a world of good to the game and the players.

He also rubbished reports that he preferred playing poker than playing for Hampshire.

In the same column, Warne finds it “ridiculous” that Shane Bond’s contract was terminated after he aligned with ICL.

Warne revealed he called up Sachin Tendulkar before his century at Adelaide and reminisced their meeting with Don Bradman.

Sachin has been a great ambassador and he deserved to leave on a strong personal note.

(Image: Illustration by Sydney Morning Herald artist John Shakespeare)

Poor Business, Mr Modi

I think I owe an apology to friends, who were, I guess, sick of listening time and again that Lalit Modi was BCCI’s Man with the Midas Touch. He was a bad investment as far as my hopes are concerned.

I thought this suave, bespectacled, though cocky, Mumbai-based Rajasthan Cricket Association supremo was a mastermind, conceiving one after another marketing ploy to fill in the BCCI coffers.

I thought, he was about to prove himself even better than the man he uprooted in a BCCI coup. It was no mean achievement toppling Jagmohan Dalmiya, who had everyone in the pocket of his safari suit as he ran the Board from his suitcase. Though I was apprehensive if anyone in the new regime could match the wily Kolkata-based Marwari’s business acumen, Modi sort of impressed me.

But my trust proved misplaced. So blind in his effort to take the wind out of Subhas Chandra’s ICL sail, Modi shelled out hell lot of money to rope in the Australians, who would make a fortune even though they would NOT play a single match of the Indian Premier League! Naturally, Ricky Ponting & Co can’t laugh enough.

About 10-12 Aussies would NOT be in a position to play in IPL FOR THE NEXT TWO YEARS because of their international commitment and they would still retain 10 per cent of their fee!

In other words, players like Ponting and Clarke would pocket $100,000 each just lending their name to IPL!

Poor investment by Modi and his comrades in the IPL Governing Council. He has looked like a spoilt child of a millionaire (well he actually is!) who’s on an acquiring spree even though he has no clue whether it’s worth it or not. Again, he actually is so, a failure within a family that owns the Modi Entertainment.

But what really upsets me is that Modi is NOT the pennywise mastermind, the dapper-dollar-dude, the money-minting-machine that he pretends to be. On the contrary, he proved a poor businessman, who ventured and invested in an area without any vision. In fact since Modi & Co took over, all the BCCI deals ran into problems and BCCI has spent half the time in troubleshooting.

I’m not sure whether the money BCCI earns can be called public money. Else, it could have been a huge scam, I guess.

Image: AFP

Kapil, Vengsarkar, Bedi in Lord’s Hall of Fame

As the Marylebone Cricket Club (MCC), guardian of the game’s law, decides to doff its hat at Indian cricket, which is celebrating its 75th year, the trio of Bishan Singh Bedi, Kapil Dev and Dilip Vengsarkar is set to adorn the gallery at cricket’s spiritual home at the Lord’s.

Vengsarkar, busy these days hunting for India’s next Test captain, managed to take time off to pose for his portrait, while Kapil – at the receiving end of BCCI’s wrath for siding with the rebel Indian Cricket League (ICL) – too allowed himself to be captured on canvas, as did Bedi, one of the most acerbic tongues around.

Lord’s has proved a happy hunting ground for all of them. Vengsarkar has lorded over at Lord’s, hitting three successive centuries on the ‘Mecca of Cricket’ – first non-English player to do so. Bedi too had a six-wicket haul there while Kapil led his Devils to India’s lone World Cup – well, I mean 50-50 cricket – triumph there in 1983.

Image: Times Now

ICL fallout: Shoaib blackmailed PCB to get charges dropped!

It’s not only BCCI top brass which is squirming in the heat turned on them by the Indian Cricket League. If recent media reports are to go by, ICL has created havoc on the other side of the Line of Control where Pakistani cricketers have resorted to arm-twisting and blackmailing their board, claiming they have multi-million dollar offers from the breakaway Indian league and they can take the plunge any time.

Shoaib Akhtar’s action maybe suspect but his propensity to throw tantrums is not. The “Rawalpindi Express” recently got all disciplinary charges dropped against him, reportedly after he threatened to join ICL. Having already lost four cricketers – including the run-glutton Mohd Yusuf – to ICL, PCB surely couldn’t take chance and hence Shoaib escaped scot-free. The penalty and charges were brought after the pacer had left a training camp in Karachi without informing the manager.

Even those players who have not been approached by the deep pocket ICL organizers are also creating pressure on the board. And those who have been approached, like Shoaib, Mohd Asif and Shahid Afridi, are quoting figures that are really difficult to believe and PCB insiders feel it’s just a ploy to keep the pressure on.

PCB thought they had cut the rogue in Shoaib Akhtar down to size and chairman Nasim Ashraf insisted the erratic pacer would be punished for his indiscipline. But post-ICL, things have gone sea change and PCB is among the first to feel the heat of the breakaway league.

Image: AP

You can't take us for a ride, Kapil!

As BCCI and ICL put on the gloves, now it’s turn of Kapil Dev, a pawn in the war, to take the gullible follower of the game for a massive ride.

Caught in the crossfire between BCCI and ICL, Kapil has made it clear that he would head wherever moolah takes him, which is fair enough. If he decides to swap the chairman's chair at National Cricket Academy (NCA) with the more lucrative one at ICL's Executive Board, BCCI has no business to poke its bloody nose.

It's no secret that BCCI does not like competition and any possible threat to its vice-like monopoly has been nipped in the bud. It was hardly surprising that the Board refused permission to the Essel-group backed ICL and is now up to every dirty trick to deny the rebel league a venue. Former players and state associations have been told in clear terms to steer clear of ICL. Kiran More has already spurned Baroda Cricket Association secretary's post to join Kapil at ICL Board and now the former all-rounder is about to follow suit.

Have no illusion, ICL is Zee's deep pocket chief Subhash Chandra's sly, ambitious project to gain a toehold in organizing of cricket before he can take on BCCI and its misfit chief in their own game. BCCI, always quick on the uptake on issues other than cricket, is quick to sniff the hidden agenda and the first spanner it threw was to allot a one dayer to Chandigarh's Sector 16 Stadium -- last ODI there was held some 14 years back -- to pre-empt any ICL move to host the circus there.

Kapil, being the son of the soil, was entrusted to get the stadium for ICL and he must have thought it was just a matter of approaching the authorities before he can book the stadium. But the officials there told him that they simply can't afford to antagonise BCCI and that’s it.

UT Sports Director IS Sandhu said

Kapil brought up the topic (of having ICL matches at the Stadium) and we informed him of our intent; the Stadium has got an ODI after 14 years (the India-Australia match on October 8), and we don’t want to go against the BCCI. We will only be corresponding with the BCCI on cricketing matters.

As he remains defiant to BCCI diktat that you can’t be with BCCI and ICL at the same time, Kapil’s version as to why he is siding with ICL is naive to the point of being hilarious.

Kapil insists he wants to serve the game and the nation and that’s why he is with ICL. One understands his fascination with words like "the game of cricket" or "serving the nation" but sadly, Kapil is no more the same simpleton he was. Fame and fortune have transformed him into a 'show-me-the-money' guy, who can go any extent to milk his playing day reputation for money-mileage, which is again, I fear, fair enough. But what is grossly unfair is the trash about serving the game and the country. Nobody, even if you are country’s lone World Cup winning captain.

Image

McGrath says he has no offer for rebel league in India

Contradicting claims by the organisers, Glenn McGrath said he has not been approached for the rebel Indian Cricket League, with a winner's purse of $1m.

The Pigeon is not keen on joining the ICL either, once he calls it quits after the World Cup.

Presently busy plotting Australia's World Cup hat-trick in the Caribbeans, McGrath was rather irked by the rumour and his agent said,"Glenn can confirm that neither him nor his manager have been approached and his singular focus is on the World Cup."

The story doing the round was that the Essel Group, headed by Subhas Chandra, was on the verge of roping in the Aussie quartet of McGrath, his old partner-in-crime Shane Warne, Justin Langer and Michael Slater for the ICL.

And now Radio Jamaica adds fuel to the speculation fire claiming Brian Lara too is likely to be part of the circus.

Subhash Chandra does a Kerry Packer, launches Indian Cricket League!

This is surely going to be an interesting case as Subhash Chandra’s Zee Group just launched Indian Cricket League (ICL) with a lucrative $1m purse.

Chandra, however, insists it’s not taking on BCCI and described it as a “complimentary” venture.

Fuelled by a Rs 100 cr corpus, the ICL would have six teams or clubs in its initial year. Within 3 years the number of teams would be increased to 16. Each team in the league would have 4 international players. The league, an annual feature, is expected to take-off around October this year.

I saw Ajay Jadeja on a TV channel and quite liked his view.

“ICC is the lone company marketing cricket and it’s a complete monopoly. It’s too early to comment on whether it would survive or not but consumers surely benefit when there is competition in the market.”