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Exclusive: Sourav Ganguly interview

Doosra interviewed Sourav Ganguly at Eden Gardens soon after he became the CAB president.

As his wont, dada was two hours late for the interview but he sort of made up with his frank views on Bengal and Indian cricket.

He chewed his nails throughout the interview until he was sufficiently manicured.

The tangled mass of assorted chains and lockets also made an appearance as he undid the first two buttons of his shirt which he, despite occasional provocations, did not take off or swirl.

We produce the interview verbatim below:

Doosra: Ah, here you are. We thought you won’t turn up at all.
Sourav Ganguly: Sorry, I’m late but don’t you think you should have got used to it by now? Bhagwan ke ghar der hain andher nahi. And you forgot they called me God of the off-side?

Doosra: Well, you have a point there, and a gully as well. Anyway, how does it feel to be the boss of Bengal cricket?
SG: Long ago, I asked “aapne dada ko bhule to nahin?” They proved they have not. I thank them for making me CAB boss though, honestly, I expected to lead ICC if not the UN. Anyway, CAB is a good launchpad I guess.

Doosra: So what are your plans for Bengal cricket?
SG: I promise a swift turnaround in Bengal cricket. They won’t have to wait for it like Steve Waugh had to wait for me at toss (bursts into laughter).

Doosra: Many expect you to identify youngsters who would form the nucleus of the future Bengal team, just as you did as Team India captain.
SG: I’m glad you asked this question. Well, I have decided Sehwag, Yuvraj, Kaif, Bhajji and Zaheer will form the core of the future Bengal team.

Doosra: What! But they are nearly done with competitive cricket and they play for other states!
SG: Sorry, I meant Sehwag junior, Yuvraj junior, Bhajji junior...See, it’s an ambitious, unprecedented project. Sehwag is so pissed off with Delhi that he won’t mind even if his son plays for Andaman Nicobar in Ranji Trophy. We have convinced Bhajji to get married soon and talks are on with Yuvraj as well to graduate from pie-chucker to bachelorhood-chucker. These are the baby steps for revival of Bengal cricket, if you know what I mean (winks).

Doosra: Quite radical, one must say.
SG: Yes, and if the plan materialises, it would rob other states of their own talents and enrich Bengal. So you can say I’m killing two Dickie Birds with one Sharon Stone -- I picked it from Sidhu, by the way.

Doosra: Hope you realise that cricket administration is not going to be a bed of roses. There will be people resisting every step. How do you plan to tackle them?
SG: Chappal se nahi, Chappell se maarunga. I will treat them like I used to treat left-arm spinners. You don’t worry about that.

Doosra: And what about Shah Rukh Khan?
SG: What about him?

Doosra: I mean he treated you badly at KKR, stripping you of captaincy then kicking you out of the team. Are we going to see him being banned at Eden Gardens just like he was at Wankhede?
SG: Don’t be silly. We are grown up men. I have put the entire KKR episode behind me. However, other members decided Shah Rukh will have to walk on his hands every time he wants to enter Eden Gardens, balancing an egg on a spoon in his mouth and two lighted candles on his soles. Well, I can’t always ignore majority view, you see. (winks)

Doosra: What are the reforms you have in mind for Bengal cricket?
SG: To improve our running between-the-wicket, we plan to abolish it altogether. We want our future generation batsmen to score only with 4s and 6s. We commissioned a study that suggests taking singles and twos significantly impedes a batsman’s ability to hit 4s and 6s in the same over, apart from greatly enhancing run-out risks. I agree, it’s not worth the risk.

Doosra: There is a rumour that your wife would be roped in as the team’s batting consultant. That’s not true for sure?
SG: What’s wrong with that? Dona will help our batsmen get their footwork right. Against the spinners, they need to come dancing down the track and who better than a professional dancer to teach them how to do it? Also she gets bored at home knitting sweater for me and the kids.

Doosra: And why did CAB choose Salman Khan, of all people, as the brand ambassador?
SG: I suspect you’re not aware of it but taking off shirt is universally recognized as a cathartic exercise, and my experience is no different. Modern cricket is much more stressful and the players need an outlet for their pent-up angst. Look at Salman, he has got into all sorts of troubles and still remains sane because he frequently goes topless. Besides, we wanted to tap into his hit-and-run experience. (winks)

Doosra: What is your immediate target as CAB chief?
SG: To get Ashok Dinda back down to earth. Poor lad, has leapt so high since his last delivery that got awkwardly stuck in one of the trees in maidan. Fire Brigade guys have reached there with ladder etc. Maybe we need to fill his boots with stones to keep him grounded or tether him to the stumps.

Doosra: And what’s your long-term target as the boss of Bengal cricket?
SG: To lead Bengal to a position where BCCI and eventually ICC will beg for CAB membership.

Why This Year’s Nobel Peace Prize Sucks

First a confession. Still in the clutch of a post-lunch siesta, initially I read this year’s Nobel Peace prize has gone to Kailash Kher and Malaika Arora which seemed to me a fair even if somewhat a left-field choice.

After all, Kher, even at the height of his fame, looks a perfectly humble and peaceful guy even though history tells us most of civilisation’s worst tyrants, such as Attila the Hun, Hitler and Don Bradman, have been people who traded vertical growth for career growth leaving (runs and) ruins in their wake.

Malaika was not an unnatural choice either, having done her bit in maintaining peace in
a Mumbai household which tops the muscle-per-family-member table but is not exactly known for emotional stability.

Furious rubbing of eyes revealed the jury has, not for the first time or last, made a complete ass of itself and has gone ahead and gifted it to some Kailash Satyarthi and Malala Yousafzai instead.

If you ask me, this year’s Nobel Peace prize should be called LoC, something India and Pakistan share and neither looks completely happy with the arrangement.

If you’ve seen his photos that have started littering the front pages of the newspapers, you’d agree with me what Satyarthi actually needed is not a Nobel prize but a stout razor and a tube of shaving cream. With the money he now has, he can obviously secure a lifetime supply of shaving kit but that’s a roundabout way of doing things.

What is more baffling is they made him share it with Malala Yousafzai. It’s not a paani-puri that you serve to a teenage girl and ask her to share it with her neighbourhood chacha.

Spare a thought for the girl! The poor girl is still recovering from the trauma of being shot by the Talibans and instead of helping her recuperate, you give her a nasty shock. Have a heart!

One completely understands the jury’s compulsion. Under a secret agreement, they have to announce a winner every year for the award that Alfred Nobel had started, for reasons best known to him, or be blown up by the good Swede’s most famous invention – dynamite.

What one doesn’t is their queer choice even when you had at least another dozen candidates who deserved it more.

Baba Siddique for instance. The Bandra MLA did the Bollywood equivalent of making Sourav Ganguly feed Greg Chappell with his right hand while fanning the feisty Aussie with his left. Siddique facilitated the epoch-making hug between Shah Rukh Khan and Salman Khan, whose followers, historians and Bollywood analysts predict, would fight World War III. If that doesn’t qualify for a Nobel then I don’t know what does.

One would go to the extent of saying that it could have been given to any Newshour panelist, for showing exemplary restraint and resisting the temptation to throttle Arnab Goswami.

And if the jury was keen on springing an obscure Indian in an unsuspecting world, Adi Pocha should have received it even if belatedly. Nobody spread peace more than Pocha has. He spread “Shanti” over 807 episodes and Mandira Bedi has not looked back since.

(Pix: DNA)
(P.S. Hope all realise it’s a humour piece and means no disrespect to anyone, however worthy)

How KKR can still win IPL III

Apparently, we have seen the last of KKR in IPL III.

Ganguly’s rare athleticism, Gayle’s blings and shades, McCullum’s tattoos, Shah Rukh Khan’s soppy tweets, Juhi Chawla’s smiles that actually met at the back of her head, the foulness of the jersey's colour scheme…nothing could bring home the bacon.

But not everything is lost yet. Miracles do happen, although not as frequently as Lalit Modi’s Twitters.

With a pinch of enterprise and bit of luck, KKR can STILL win IPL III and here is how.

1. First the cinch. SRK unleashes a charm offensive and convinces Herr Lalit Modi to pluck Ramalinga Raju out of Chanchalguda jail and entrust him with the number-punching job.

It would take some persuasion indeed but once achieved, the only job left would be to put the bubbly on ice for an April 25 uncorking. Golly!

2. SRK gets Fuhrer Modi to tweak the rules and decide that the title would go to the team owner with most Tweets against his name. And no prize for guessing that SRK wins hands down here. Yippee! 

Of his rivals, Nita Ambani apparently reckons Twitter is another oil company owned by her husband and you can’t blame her for that. Among others, Preity Zinta suspects Twitter is a sequel to ‘Twister’, Vijay Mallya is cocksure it’s an F1 videogame while Shilpa Shetty believes it’s a reality show and is in fact planning to sue the racist producer for leaving her out.

3. SRK seeks divine intervention and the script goes along these lines.  Ganguly and gang are, as his wont, late in arriving for the prize giving ceremony at DY Patil Stadium and a devastating earthquake gobbles up other seven teams.

Deals have been signed and TV rights have been peddled. So Monsieur Modi sees no other option but to handover the title to the lone survivors KKR, who go home praising Ganguly’s vision. Whoopee!

4. IPL turns out to be actually a Karan Johar movie in which SRK looks utterly unconvincing and sensationally silly all along but still ends up on the winning side in the end.

Brace for the virtual pandemonium!

When BCC! members come together, miracle happens.

Geometrically speaking, it’s the diagonally opposite case of Shah Rukh Khan, Sourav Ganguly and John Buchanan coming together, when it needs miracle to make things happen.

As the race for the ugly trophy enters the last leg, the crème-de-la-crème of cricket blogosphere – and that naturally excludes yours truly – would go into a virtual huddle to give the Sambit Bals and Arun Lals a good run for their money.

So the Ankits, the Siamese twins from Mumbai, would pitch in, shoulder-to-virtual shoulder with Gaurav. And when I say Gaurav, I’m not necessarily alluding to the anorexic ape jumping up and down at the Sony Max studio.

John would be on hand and to clear the air, he has a surname which is not Buchanan. Ottayan, Achettup and Raja too would be lurking around in the corner but mind you, they can’t be cornered easily.

Pankaj would be insisting that his points are straight, while Nikhil, battered and bruised by Gilchrist’s semifinal knock, would moan about Jatman’s demise.

Q would be in the queue as well, exporting loads of T20 fundas, interrupted by the shy smile that apparently floored a certain Mayanti Langer in the recent past.

So you know, Bored Quickie is the place to be this evening, from 1930 IST to…sorry, can’t really predict the end.

Dance Shah Rukh, dance!

To fling my arms wide
In some place of the sun,
To whirl and to dance
Till the white day is done.

Then rest at cool evening
Beneath a tall tree
While night comes on gently,
Dark like me.

That is my dream!

To fling my arms wide
In the face of the sun,
Dance! Whirl! Whirl!
Till the quick day is done.

Rest at pale evening...

A tall, slim tree...
Night coming tenderly
Black like me.
(Dream Variations by Langston Hughes)
###

In the middle ages, once you are bitten by a venomous Tarantula, it caused hysterical ailments and the only cure was dancing Tarantella till you drop.

Considering how Kolkata Knight Riders have been lowering the bar in IPL with mind-boggling consistency, if Shah Rukh Khan behaves like a Tarantula-stung, only those with a boulder for a heart would find fault with him.

And the man knows how to sidestep his way out of the woes.

Casting couch...err...vote is just the red herring. SRK is back to what he does best, apart from stammering that is. Witnesses vouched, it was quite a dard-e-disco at a Mumbai builder's marriage party where SRK danced his woes away.

A cool Rs 2 crore cheque in his pocket, family sources assured SRK is feeling much better now.

In pursuit of the Fake IPL Player

At times, you have to shrug off inertia, wriggle yourself out of the comfort of your lair and even if reluctantly, respond to the call of the world.

And this was no fiddle-faddle after all.

The hitherto unflappable Barack Obama had grown fidgety; passer byes vouched there was a blood-curdling upheaval in Jade Goody’s grave in the Epping Forest; and even the stony Tiger Woods had started waggling!

It was as if the sky had dropped, hanging like a glass ceiling just above the head of a claustrophobe world which is struggling to breath in an air thick with suspense.

Who is this Fake IPL Player raking all the KKR muck?

My first suspect was Aamir Khan’s dog, which apparently shares its name with Shah Rukh Khan. Maybe spurred by its owner, the canine was out to deface...I mean defame...his namesake.

Dog running blog!

Well, YouTube is infested with videos of dogs using iPods. Trust me, some of them are more techno-savvy than most of us.

And there is a plausible explanation of the dog’s access to KKR dressing room dopes as well. Possibly it was his Colonial Cousin in SA, that same black mongrel which interrupted CSK-MI match, which is supplying him the fodder for thought!

So I ventured to get it from the horse’s...I mean dog’s...mouth but was stopped at the gate by Aamir himself.

“Have you voted? Show me your finger. Hey, what do you think of yourself, Greg Chappell? This is no Kolkata either. Show me the other one.”

Satisfied, he let me in and I politely asked the canine “Are you the Fake IPL Player?”

“Grrrrrrrrr.”

I asked Aamir to decode it but the Dr Dolittle did little other than leaving me with a muddier mind.

“From the angle of his erect ears and tail and the thickness of the saliva dripping from his quadrilateral tongue and considering the fact that he has been starving for the last three days...”

Before he had finished, I showed him a clean pair of heels and was back on the road, panting and gasping.

“It’s P Chidambaram, silly”. I heard the whisper but couldn’t see anyone in my eyeshot.

Well, not an impossibility altogether. In fact some felt it was PC who straight-drove IPL out of the country.

I sought and surprisingly got an appointment with him! Well, election time is the only time when you have access to the politicians. But his secretary made me do an MF Hussain and take my shoes off before letting me in and PC’s corrugated forehead smoothened only after he had inspected my feet.

“Sir, are you the Fake IPL Player?” I asked timidly.

“Don’t be silly. I’m too busy with election duty. Well, if you suspect someone in the cabinet, it could be Dr Ramadoss.”

Now that was an eye-opener! Indeed, every time SRK smoked, Ramadoss fumed!

“Hello, Dr Ramadoss?”

“Yes, speaking.”

“Sir, are you the Fake IPL Player writing all those dirty stuff about SRK?”

“You nitwit, I would use a log rather than a blog when dealing with that *&%$#@,” he hung up.

Well, I know it doesn't augur well for the world bu I’m afraid, Obama will continue to fidget for some more time.

Pix: Jess Bucchino, ‘The Wizard of Draws’

IPL fantasy becomes a rewarding exercise!

Post-IPL, I often wondered what if Andrew Flintoff joined Kolkata Knight Riders. Would he and Sourav Ganguly relive the Lancashire dressing room drama, going shirty and possibly shirtless too? Or is it actually Shah Rukh Khan who would eventually lose his shirt in such a possibility?

Similarly, I wonder how many, if at all, teeth John Buchanan would have retained had he been the Rajasthan Royals coach and popped the multiple-captain theory to Shane Warne!

Wait before you dub me a loony. Let me tell you I’m not the only one to indulge in IPL fantasy. Evidences suggest it’s a systematic disorder which is spreading like a rash among those smitten by the T20 format of the game.

Those who goes by my track record and steadfastly refuses to believe me, sample Fantasy Cricket (FC). And no, it is in no way linked to Kentucky Fried Chicken. Fortunately at FC, you don’t need to be either a liquor baron, or a Forbes-rated magnate, or a Bollywood actor or at least her boyfriend to own a team. Just create a profile, get a budget, pick a squad and pit your brain against fellow T20 lunatics.

If winning weekly IPL team jerseys doesn’t appeal to you, the grand prize of ticket for two to the ICC T20 World Cup might. And the guys running the league apparently won’t object if your partner is Geoff Boycott’s mother, Ian Botham’s mother-in-law, the girl friend of your best friend, daughter of your landlord or even your maid servant!

And those who consider T20 as a disgrace to humanity and would rather spend the time reading about Andrew Symonds’ fishing, Kevin Pietersen’s wife or Suzie Bates’ diet, can anyway home in on Cricket News here.

Since my last post...

1. Brad Haddin has discovered the 11th way a batsman can get out;
2. Daniel Vettori's SMS to Haddin created frictions, sending sparks flying all over Australia. Doosra understands once the Victorian bushfire is under control, Vettori will be chargesheeted for arson.
3. It took a president, a shaman and a coiffeur to make Lasith Malinga's return from wilderness possible;
4. Rajasthan Royals ensured the support of Indian truckers, Richard Gere and subsequently HH Dalai Lama in this year's IPL by selling stakes to Shilpa Shetty;
5. Shah Rukh Khan's Kolkata Knight Riders helped Bangladesh double its Gross National Income by buying Mashrafe Mortaza.
6. West Indies unleashed an Australia-bred White West Indian, Brendan Nash, and a 6’7” high-extension tower in Suleiman Benn, whose deliveries, Poms claim, come like oracles from heaven;
7. Kevin Pietersen convulsed with laughter after he: i) topscored for Poms in the Sabina Park massacre; ii) derived sadistic pleasure as Strauss’ captaincy honeymoon got over before it started; and iii) found Vijay Mallya has emptied his pocket to engage his service.

Shah Rukh to buy IPL team, no hope for Tendulkar

Well, Russell “Gladiator” Crowe is not the lone actor, who is bidding to buy a team for next year’s Indian Premier League (IPL). According to reports, Shah Rukh “Chak De” Khan is among 90 people who have made a beeline to buy a franchise in the BCCI-conceived, ICC-backed Twenty20 extravaganza.

And media reports also claimed that Kishore Biyani’s Future Group was in talks with Sachin Tendulkar to convince for a joint bid to buy the Mumbai team. BCCI, however, has scuttled the move, making it clear that it won’t allow any of the current players to have stake in any of the teams.

Meanwhile, England-based industrialist Lord Swaraj Paul is reportedly interested to buy a team, as are liquour baron Vijay Mallya and Anil Ambani. English Premier League, some guys from the American National Basketball Association, couple of foreign banks and handful of investment bankers also harbour the same hope.

Naturally, BCCI Vice President Lalit Modi, mastermind behind the IPL, is sporting an ear-to-ear smile these days. Modi maybe a sworn enemy of Jagmohan Dalmiya but much like the wily Marwari from Kolkata, this firebrand BCCI official surely knows how to mint money.

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