Doosra Annual Awards 2018 (UNESCO certified)

That time of the year again.

Here goes Doosra Annual Awards 2018.

And remember, UNESCO has recognised it as the best set of awards!

Begana Wedding of the Year that had entire India Subcontinent Deewana ~ Virushka.

Kneeanderthal of the Year ~ Priyanka Chopra, for outraging a Sanskari nation by wearing a knee-length dress to a meeting with the PM.

Thesaurus Sale Booster of the Year ~ Shashi Tharoor, for his exasperating farrago of rodomontade and much more.

Best Kept Secret of the Year ~ Location of Virushka Wedding.

Worst Kept Secret of the Year ~ Rahul Gandhi's promotion.

The Annual Celeb-Kid-Shoved-Down-Our-Throat ~ Taimur Ali Khan.

Human Sriharikota of the Year ~ Salman Khan, who is launching his brother-in-law in Bollywood.

Neptune of Nepotism of the Year ~ Karan Johar, for launching yet another pair of Bollywood star kids -- Janhvi Kapoor and Ishan Khattar.

Disowned Loose Cannon of the Year ~ Mani Shankar Aiyyar.

Dogman Of the Year ~ Gurmeet Ram Rahim.

Ideal Neighbour of the Year ~ Sri Lanka, for continuing with their India tour even after their cricketers choked in toxic Delhi air and vomited their inside out.

Most Anticipated and Pending Return of the Year ~ A three-way tie featuring Black money from Swiss banks, Vijay Mallya and Lalit Modi.

Titanic Of the Year ~ RBI as its reputation hit the demonetisation iceberg and sank without trace.

Harry Houdini of the YearStudent of the Year ~ Virat Kohli, for successfully dumping 'headmaster' Anil Kumble.

Vincent Maruti Van Gogh of the Year ~ Mamata di, for her paintings like this.

Fickle Friend of the Year ~ Nitish Kumar, for dumping RJD.

Lord Hanuman of the 22 Yards ~ Rohit Sharma, for torching Lanka here and here.

Worst Investors of the Year - 'Padmavati' producers.

Doosra Annual Awards 2013

It was a night of red carpet, stealth light, stretch limos, bowties, pinstripes and black satin gowns.

In other words, it was Doosra Annual Awards Gala Night at an undisclosed location.

Ladies, gentlemen and otherwise, here are the annual gongs:

1. Innocent Lambs of The Year: Mumbai Police. Entire world, and some even in Mars, knows who was driving the Aston Martin, except Mumbai cops.

2. Friendly Politician of the Year: Narendra Modi. "Mitron..."

3. Political Astronomer of the Year: Rahul Gandhi. For suggesting Dalits need Jupiter's escape velocity to escape from Mayawati's clutch and succeed.

4. Pontificating Ponytail of the Year: Tarun Tejpal. He recused himself from the award ceremony, preferring prolonged laceration instead in a Goa jail.

5. Padma Bibhishan: Preet Bahara. The alacrity with which he handled the Devyani Khobragde case will give inferiority complex even to the younger sibling of the Lanka king from Ramayan.

6. Larynx of the Nation: Arnab Goswami. NASA has confirmed his is the only human voice audible even from outer world.

7. Sulabh Irrigation Idea of the Year: Ajit Pawar. For this radical suggestion of filling empty dams.

8. Jai Mata Di Scientist of the Year: ISRO chief K Radhakrishnan. For visiting Balaji temple to seek blessing for India’s Mars orbiter.

9. Retiree of the Year: Sorry to disappoint Sachin Tendulkar fans, it’s Uday Chopra. His decision to quit acting has plunged Pluto into great depression while his female fans in Mars, unable to bear the truth, refused breakfast.

10. Indian Domestic Help Association's Shiney Ahuja Medal: Devyani Khobragade for her treatment of Sangeeta Richard.

11. Bollywood Parole Model of the Year: Sanjay Dutt, for flying in and out of jail as and when he wishes.

12. Pathetic Pinocchio of the Year: Akhilesh Yadav, for presiding over UP riots and showing Nero's sensitivity when Rome burnt.

13. Ideal Father-in-law of the Year: N Srinivasan, for protecting G Meiyappan with the kind of ferocity that has set the bar higher for all pa-in-laws under the sun.

14. National Beans Spiller: Karan Johar. Latest data suggest more people consumed coffee at ‘Koffee With Karan’ than in CCD and Costa Café put together.

15. Goldie Bail Medal: Baba Ramdev’s Patanjali Yogpeeth which found gold in cow urine. Bappi Lahiri regrets buying 400 cows in hurry and is apparently planning to sue Ramdev for misleading gullible public.

How KKR can still win IPL III

Apparently, we have seen the last of KKR in IPL III.

Ganguly’s rare athleticism, Gayle’s blings and shades, McCullum’s tattoos, Shah Rukh Khan’s soppy tweets, Juhi Chawla’s smiles that actually met at the back of her head, the foulness of the jersey's colour scheme…nothing could bring home the bacon.

But not everything is lost yet. Miracles do happen, although not as frequently as Lalit Modi’s Twitters.

With a pinch of enterprise and bit of luck, KKR can STILL win IPL III and here is how.

1. First the cinch. SRK unleashes a charm offensive and convinces Herr Lalit Modi to pluck Ramalinga Raju out of Chanchalguda jail and entrust him with the number-punching job.

It would take some persuasion indeed but once achieved, the only job left would be to put the bubbly on ice for an April 25 uncorking. Golly!

2. SRK gets Fuhrer Modi to tweak the rules and decide that the title would go to the team owner with most Tweets against his name. And no prize for guessing that SRK wins hands down here. Yippee! 

Of his rivals, Nita Ambani apparently reckons Twitter is another oil company owned by her husband and you can’t blame her for that. Among others, Preity Zinta suspects Twitter is a sequel to ‘Twister’, Vijay Mallya is cocksure it’s an F1 videogame while Shilpa Shetty believes it’s a reality show and is in fact planning to sue the racist producer for leaving her out.

3. SRK seeks divine intervention and the script goes along these lines.  Ganguly and gang are, as his wont, late in arriving for the prize giving ceremony at DY Patil Stadium and a devastating earthquake gobbles up other seven teams.

Deals have been signed and TV rights have been peddled. So Monsieur Modi sees no other option but to handover the title to the lone survivors KKR, who go home praising Ganguly’s vision. Whoopee!

4. IPL turns out to be actually a Karan Johar movie in which SRK looks utterly unconvincing and sensationally silly all along but still ends up on the winning side in the end.