A friend in need can be a spouse indeed!

There are certain things in life which defy logic but are inevitable. Baffling, yet unavoidable, if you know what I mean.

Like unsuspectingly stepping on the lone banana skin on the pavement as if a matter of destiny.

Like the penchant among taps to run dry, a phenomenon preceded by a humiliating gurgling sound, just after you have worked up an admirably rich lather all over your face.

Like the irresistible urge in certain quarters to taste Hari Mirch Pakoda – a palatable weapon of mass destruction -- despite knowing that the nearest available drop of H20 is some 5 kms away.

Like a malfunctioning MUTE button on your cell when the all-important meeting is well into its first quarter.

Like running into a rare traffic police at the signal you have jumped with impunity more often than Sergei Bubka has jumped in his entire career.

Like I said earlier, logic-defying yet unavoidable.

Like Himesh Reshammiya, if you know.

To cut it short, Mohammad Asif is the latest victim of the fatal attraction that draws a moth to the fire and a cricketer towards an actress.

Veena Malik, the actress, apparently stood by Asif in his seconds, minutes and hours of crises, bearing expenses of all his legal battles.

A friend in need can be a spouse indeed!

SCOOP: Why Daredevils dumped Asif

My only purpose and wish is to play for my nation Pakistan again, and for that I need to disengage from any other cricket engagements and work towards this.

Mohammad Asif wants all to believe that he is on a redemption mission and hence decided to 'disengage' himself from all cricket engagements so that he can work his way back to the Pakistan team again. Amen.

Apparently, the PCB forgot to tell the poor chap that it has already done that disengagement job by banning him from all forms of cricket pending the IPL drug inquiry.

So effectively Asif has volunteered to twiddle his thumbs till he digs himself a new hole, most probably in an airport that starts with the letter D.

In case Steven Spillberg makes a sequel to 'The Terminal', he can draw on Asif's experience.

Meanwhile, Doosra laid its hands on some classified information and here are the five genuine reasons that prompted the Daredevils to dump Asif:

1. Asif had inquired if Daredevils management could arrange some basic practice facilities at the detention centres of some of the airports around. Especially when the Daredevils owners are into the airport-building business.

2. Asif had revealed how he planned to argue his case before the IPL drug tribunal and escape with a minimum punishment for drug offence. "I'm going to tell the tribunal that regular customers get discounts everywhere," he said.

3. Asif deposited his sweater, cap, glass and mistakenly the chillum as well to Sehwag who was umpiring in the nets.

4. The Daredevils apparel makers informed the management that Asif had sought a special pocket in his trousers and sent a tube-shaped substance as the measurement.

5. Asked in the Daredevils promo what’s his favourite flower, Asif said ‘Poppy’.
(Pix: HiCric.com)

Doosra Annual Award 2008

Light…camera…action.

Time for red carpet, stealth light, stretch limos, bowties, pinstripes and black satin gowns. As another year goes by, welcome to the second Doosra Annual Award Gala Night. A tradition started last year, Doosra doles out the annual gongs and the winners are:

Col Gaddafi Club Membership: MS Dhoni, the only other living person with a retinue of female bodyguards.

Australian National Sportfishing Association (ANSA) Man of the Year: Andrew ‘gone-fishing’ Symonds (he’ll collect the award after returning from the fishing trip).

Yo-Yo award: Mohd Yousuf, for completing the ICL-IPL-ICL cycle.

Alcoholic Anonymous Citation: Paul Harris for his legendary candour after South Africa won the Melbourne Test. ("I don't think there's enough beer in all of Australia to satisfy us tonight.”)

Overthrow of the Year: Muntazer al-Zaidi. Having two simultaneous attempts at George W Bush and missing both speaks volume of his waywardness.

Best Ducking of the Year: George W Bush. Ducking two beamers at the same time is a feat beyond lesser mortals and this guy evaded two size 10 shoes hurled at him from less than 22 yards with no umpire to call it NO! Cricket’s loss has been politics’ loss as well.

Anti-Gambling Movement Appreciation Medal: Ishant Sharma for his taming of the ‘Punter’.

Lifetime Shit-Midas Trophy: Greg Chappell. Everything he touched became shit. Look at Australia.

Annual Humble Pie Award: Kevin Pietersen, for his pie-chucker comments.

Lapidary Association Medallion: Sachin Tendulkar, for advocating the evolutionary stone-to-milestone theory.

The VIBGYOR Trophy: Adam Gilchrist, for badmouthing Tendulkar in ‘True Colours of My Life’ and then changing colour and crying hosanna of the Little Master.

Poppy Growers’ Appreciation Medal: Mohd Asif.

Gandhi Truth Award: Gautam Gambhir for his blatant truth that elbowing Shane Watson "wasn’t deliberate".

5 wonders that await Asif on his release

As Mohammad Asif packs his bag, hugs his new-found friends at the Dubai detention centre and heads for Pakistan, you cannot really rule out a Rip Van Winkle syndrome.

Cricket is no more the game it was when Asif was nabbed in Dubai and here are the five wonders that are bound to make him as hallucinated as he was at the time of his interception.

1. Kevin Pietersen switching on and off;
2. Brett Lee’s alternate profession as owner-cum-model for downmarket underwear;
3. Collingwood brandishing Trion-Z magic bracelets to counter Vettori’s smart-pant voodoo;
4. Appellate Tribunal decreeing that Shoaib Akhtar would be legally entitled to crack his bat on Asif's thigh in September 2009 and not in a distant 2013;
5. Sreesanth finally settling into a life without Harbhajan Singh and picking up a fight with hotel staff in Bangalore.

Image: AP

Dump the rogue: Cricket would be better off without Shoaib Akhtar

Geoff Lawson can’t be faulted if he packs his bag and catches the first available flight to Australia. After all, this was his first assignment with the Pakistani cricket team and what a way to begin!

Shoaib Akhtar, that rogue in flannel, has been sent home from Johannesburg for using the long handle that has left his new ball partner Mohammad Asif with a bruised thigh. Instead of playing in the Twenty20, the erratic ‘Rawalpindi Express’ will now be cooling his heels, admiring his supreme talent to run into trouble.

"I'm human and made a mistake in the heat of the moment. Asif said something to me that made me lose my temper. I apologised to him, but I was very upset," Shoaib told a channel.

And before one could doubt him being sincerely apologetic, Shoaib himself shatters the illusion when he compares his conduct with Zinedine Zidane’s headbutting of Marco Materazzi in the soccer World Cup final.

Now Pakistan Cricket Board might be interested in finding if Asif said something about Shamaila, Shoaib's sister.

PCB has already slapped an indefinite ban on the perennial controversy-courting speedster but it seems already too late. Shoaib has been both the ‘Rog’ and rogue in the Pakistan dressing room. He was more interested in tantrums than performance. Here you had a player who was so engrossed in putting up a show that he never hesitated to sacrifice team’s interest to achieve that.

Bob Woolmer, may he rest in peace in a world devoid of the likes of Shoaib, cried hoarse but could not convince the narcissist in Shoaib to cut down on his spectacular, and nothing else, run up, which often resulted in slow over rate for the side. Seduced by the speed-gun, Shoaib never felt for the colours he donned.

PCB had its share of the blame too. Shoaib would not sweat out with the team in the nets; would have his own physio -- Tauseef Razzaq – with him. Spoilt to the core and shamelessly pampered by a patronizing PCB, Shoaib gradually started believing he was bigger than the team.

Shoaib has proved a dismal disgrace not only for Pakistan, but the game of cricket as well. His very presence in the dressing room has been embarrassing for his captain (ask Inzamam) and depressing for the youngsters. His selfish approach to the game has scuttled many a team strategy and PCB would do well to permanently slam the door on the crook and breathe easy.

Image: AFP

Can Suresh Raina be the left-handed Tendulkar?

(Suresh Raina/Getty Images)


Before he left the Indian shores a riled man, Greg Chappell rued Suresh Raina had to pay the price for a few good words he spoke about the youngsters. Well, finally some good news for the UP youngster as the “Wisden Cricketer” magazine names him as one of the 10 players who would define the game in the next decade.

Raina is in the august company of Australians trio of Michael Clarke, Shaun Tait and Shane Watson, England batsman Kevin Pietersen, Pakistani paceman Mohammad Asif, Sri Lankan freak pacer Lasith Malinga, West Indian all-rounder Dwayne Bravo, New Zealand batsman Ross Taylor and Bangladesh vice captain Mohammad Ashraful.

Well-known British cricket writer Lawrence Booth went on to say that Raina had the talent to be a left-handed Sachin Tendulkar with even more intuitive flair” but he needs to be sensitively handled.

Raina himself was rather coy about the compliment and said he was itching to get back to the field after fully recovering from the knee injury. Good luck Sanu.