Spare the Dead, Please

Woody Allen insists he doesn’t dread death, but just doesn’t want to be there when it happens. My stance is more or less the same, fools never differ, after all.

And it’s even more grotesque when you drag the dead. The deceased should be allowed to rest in peace and nobody has any business to disturb that. Not even he’s Sunil Gavaskar.

When they are through with the game, retired cricketers earn their bread talking trash and thankfully, Gavaskar has been a glorious exception to that ever-increasing rule. And so it was even more unwarranted when he cited David Hookes’ death in front of a Melbourne bar to buttress his Ugly Australian Theory.

I don’t disagree with his UAT – again it’s great minds and fools, put me where you want – but to drag Hookes out of his grave left a bitter taste in mouth. Naturally, Ricky Ponting, Allan Border, Darren Lehmann, Glenn McGrath and Brad Hodge retorted with the kind of vengeance seen in them only during the Ashes.

Gavaskar finally came out with an apology and kudos to him for that. This was a complete unwanted mud-slinging and I think he can be forgiven after saying SORRY. Let Hookie rest in peace.

I simply abhor the idea of dragging the dead and the news that Woolmer’s autopsy was inconclusive and hence would require more tests pain me more. Post-mortem, autopsy, dissection, mortuary – these sickly words make me shrink. These are perhaps unavoidable in case of unnatural death but I detest body-tampering almost as much as ball-tampering. Even after the soul has left the world, rigor mortis has set in and stream of tears has started to trickle down on the surrounding cheeks, the body remains at the centre of a gruesome action.

At a time when science (or is it technology in that disguise?) is busy innovating flavoured condoms, Porridge Gun, Springy Boots, Techno Trousers, fruitless seed, I mean, seedless fruit, can’t they do something to save the deceased body from the disgrace? Or is it asking for too much?

Border, Lehmann Won't Let Sunny Off The 'Hookes'

This is spreading faster than a wild bushfire that Australia is so used to. Sunil Gavaskar’s blunt talk is likely to cost him his long-standing friendship with Allan Border. Gavaskar also apparently lost the admirer in a seething Darren Lehmann.

Sunny first stepped on a few Australian toes when he described the Aussies as the unpopular winners. Ricky “Punter the Huner” Ponting hit back soon at the big little man -- “Mr Perfect” in his words- and accusing him of being “high and mighty”.

Gavaskar stoked the fire again, saying the foul-mouth (he insisted he was not generalising) Aussies might get “whacked” in a bar if they behave like the way they do on-field. Here he cited the death of former cricketer David Hooke, who was punched to death by a bouncer outside a Melbourne bar three years ago.

This was probably least expected from a man of Sunny’s stature and you don’t need to have an Australian passport to admit that dragging the deceased doesn’t sound decent, especially when Hooke’s was a tragic end.

An upset Border says his 20-year friendship with Sunny is strained to a breaking point, while Lehmann says he has lost respect for the Indian legend.

Meanwhile, as it snowballs into a major distraction during World Cup, both Gavaskar and Border would do well to read the following joke:

Gavaskar was specially flew into Australia for premier of a movie called “GAVASKAR”. Sunny was conned into beliving that it was his bio-pic but he felt humiliated as the film ended without any trace of cricket, let alone Sunny. Left red in the face, he asked the authorities why they played the joke. “It was revenge Mr Gavaskar. You people too made a movie called BORDER and did they mention Allan for once?” pat came the reply.